There’s an old joke amongst progressives (which is not entirely untrue!) about the right wingers demanding that the government keep its hands off their Medicare and Social Security. Folks as old as I am will remember the clever-ish Vietnam-era slogan “Fighting for peace is like fucking for chastity.” What is less amusing to me as a scientist is the other side of that coin, which has been beautifully reified by the nascent “March for Science.” Yes, hanging on to the recent Women’s March like an infected appendix dangling from a shit-filled intestine is the oh-so-earnest March for Science in which “scientists” will descend on DC en masse demanding that the government keep their hands off grant funding (i.e, “shut up and keep giving me the money”) and remove any work restrictions from scientists on the public payroll. Their website and twitter feed has been quite amusing, in a sick sort of way. “There are certain things that we accept as facts with no alternatives.” Yeah, that’s science all right. Ditto the demand for scientists to guide “public policy,” at which we are no more competent than actors, plumbers, or stevedores.

The organizing committee seems to be dominated by students largely drawn from fringe areas, and all working on the taxpayer dime. The demands all have to do with keeping the taxpayer money pipeline flowing and job security for government-employed scientists. At the same time, their claim is that they want to prevent “the politicization of science.” Which didn’t seem to be an issue when Team Blue had their hands on the money-tap…

Fun fact: currently, about 2/3 of all science research is privately funded. Perhaps if one sincerely wanted politics out of science, the march might be demanding the end of government grants, government-paid scientists, and the notion of a government “science policy.” If you’re a good scientist, there’s plenty of private sector opportunity and support. But that might be a scary thing, and there’s no outsize public sector benefits or tenure or public sector unions. Just meritocracy. Produce quality work or hit the road.

In the words of the great Governor William J. LePetomane, “We’ve gotta protect our phony baloney jobs!”