Kids and Grown-Ups Love It So

Let’s take a moment a consider Haribo Milky Mushroom treats.

What the fuck is going on here? Milky mushrooms? Have you ever had a mushroom whose taste you would describe as “milky?” Are they made from milked mushrooms? What sort of milk do mushrooms produce and is it an appropriate flavor for candy?

Now, there is a type of mushrooms called “milky mushrooms” but they are a pure, snowy white, not the swirling cream and pink madness you see here. And I doubt the candy tastes anything remotely like them.

Aw, look at the little stubby one. It's like a tiny, deformed penis.

And let’s be honest: those discs don’t even look like candy mushrooms. That is a plastic tub of severed nipples. Excited, severed nipples, erect for eating. And pink young nipples at that, not the tough, brown, chewy nipples of a mature woman who has breastfed. I’m surprised there isn’t cherry-flavored red dipping sauce congealing in the bottom of the tub.

And yes, we eat gummy frogs and sharks and worms, but shouldn’t we draw the line at some fucked up Ed Gein shit like gummy nipples or, at least, not market them to children? They sell these nightmarish things on Amazon. They will ship them to your home.

Hey, Haribo, you sick German fucks, Gein kept a bowl of salt-cured labias on his bedside table for late-night snacking. Am I giving you ideas?

Not Willy Wonka, but also a serial killer.

Ed Gein also had a belt made out of nipples. Coincidence, Haribo? Are we really supposed to believe that?