ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS NOT BEEN HAVING A GOOD WEEKEND…”ZARDOZ, PEOPLE TEND TO FLEE IN TERROR WHEN YOU SHOW UP WITH A DELIVERY.” “ZARDOZ, YOU TAKE UP AN AWFUL LOT OF ROOM IN OUR PARKING LOT”…THEN THE LAST STRAW – ZARDOZ ONE ADVANTAGE OF FLIGHT…WELL, SEE FOR YOURSELF.
REPLACED BY A DRONE?!
BOTTOM LINE…ZARDOZ NEEDS A NEW GIG. AND BEFORE ANY OF HIS CHOSEN ONES SUGGEST LYFT OR UBER…NO GO. LAST BRUTAL THAT BOARDED ZARDOZ BROUGHT A WHOLE SHITSTORM OF TROUBLE TO PARADISE.
ZARDOZ NEEDS TO FIGURE THIS OUT. BUT IN THE MEANTIME, HIS CHOSEN ONES CAN HAVE SOME LINKS.THAT MUCH ZARDOZ WILL DO FOR YOU.
- AMERICAN LOCAL GOVERNMENT BRUTALS ALL READ THIS IN JEALOUSY AND WONDER.
- ARMS RACE IN TASTELESS LEFT WING JOKES?
- BOSTON BRUTAL ENGAGES IN A POLEMIC.
- CHICAGO GANG BRUTALS DROP A DIME ON FELLOW MEMBERS.
ENJOY THE LINKS, MY CHOSEN ONES – ZARDOZ HAS TO GO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIT INTO THE GIG ECONOMY.
Where’s Cortez Cortez?
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN INQUIRING ONE. I WOULD RECOMMEND CHECKING THE NEWSISH STUDIOS…?
I know. I want to hear all about Secret Nazi President’s Secret Nazi Health Plan!
Are sure you can handle that level of Secret Naziness?!
I know. Breaking routine with this group can cause some head banging.
You’re culturally appropriating the forum autists, you know.
I self identify as a cultural appropriator.
I self identify as autistic as well as tourettes so I can bang my head on the wall and yell, “FUCKSHITCUNTWHORE”.
I’m surprised you noticed Ted, since you haven’t seemed very impressed.
The comic is (obviously) late. (To mods: I’ll try to get it done in a couple hours.)
Did you guys hear about Macron’s wife?
I’d heard she was 25 years old then him. Turns out she was his teacher when he was 15 years old. I hear tell she had three kids when they met–and he went bananas for her. At some point, Macron’s dad put a stop to it and pulled him out of the school, but Macron pledged his eternal love anyway and promised to marry her.
She got divorced ten years ago. I think Macron has stepchildren that are older than him.
There’s no confirmation that they were bangin’ when he was 15. There’s no confirmation they weren’t either.
I’m not saying she should go to jail for something that happened all that time ago, either.
I’m just sayin’ that’s wigged out, man!
If he was 15, and she’s 25 years older than him, that would make her . . .
That’s wig, right?
Amirite?
When a 15 year old girl goes after a 40 year old guy, they’re called “jailbait”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcRtezB51Ok
I was just thinking how weird it is that AC/DC never wrote a song about jail bait, but then I don’t think Bon Scott differentiated between . . . so why would it come up?
Anyway, the new president of France was . . . male jailbait.
malebait
that comment wasn’t supposed to be a reply to Baked Penguin. It was supposed to be a stand alone comment.
Oh well, while I’m here, if I could throw something in the suggestion box, I think Cortez Cortez should shit his pants.
Especially if the healthcare bill clears the Senate. I mean, why wouldn’t Cortez Cortez shit his pants?
He’s a pants-shitter, and that’s what pants-shitters do. Birds fly and sing. Fish swim. Pants-shitters shit their pants.
That’s my two cents, anyway.
Could you imagine if anybody made an incest joke about Barack and either Sascha or Malia?
Wherever that person worked would immediately fire him.
Devil’s advocate here, at least Ivanka’s of age. But I’d be terminating Maher for general incompetence anyway.
Heck, where are all the other commenters?
Dead due to pre-existing conditions that are no longer covered thanks to Trumpcare.
Die quickly!
Damnit. Die quickly!
Alan Grayson is one of the most infuriatingly condescending fuckwits to ever hold political office. No mean feat!
You’re not represented by Senator Moobs, are you?
*raises hand slowly*
Lots of people were in the old post talking about their dinner. I didn’t notice the new post until just now.
Enjoying watching Team Disney circle the drain.
What did they do now?
Lose by six goals
Oh, I thought you meant the company did some more stupid virtue signaling.
I haven’t seen a beating like that since Rodney King!
Disney hasn’t owned them since the name change, tho, so if that’s why you hate em you’re like ten years too late.
See, here I thought that Colbert was winning in the lazy-and-stupid jokes department with the classic “DUR HUR TRUMP SUCKS RUSSIAN COCK”, but I forgot that Maher always led the race to the bottom.
But they’re funny and edgy and brave. They speak truth to power!
Maybe they can get that Profiles in Courage Award next year if they keep it up.
What other direction can they go?
Um…sideways?
Maher definitely started down the low road about the time he publicly started calling himself a liberal. He went from arrogant to self-righteous. With that he appeared to feel free to say anything about anybody because, of course, he was correct.
Maher can be (and is) actually funny. I hold opposite opinions from him on guns, animal rights, religion, partisan politics and several other things but he is not afraid to tell a joke that skewers progs (scripted and especially ad-libbed) and he’s very anti-PC. He seems to be actually “friends” with his long-time conservative guests.
Only buses and bikes are allowed to travel southbound, while drivers who live on the right side or use a sixth form car park must register their number plates for access northbound.
English MFer, do you speak it?
Poppy has never been seen eating Pizza.
Has she been seen eating deep-dish?
in Russia Deep Dish eats Poppy!
I don’t want to ruin the ending of this one for anyone, but it’s aliens. Or diabetes. One of those two.
And death to the flat crusters.
I think Marlow Stern makes a good point here, especially for someone who has suffered from syphilis for so long.
Good news, ladies: You can be a feminist and still hate other women
“You know where women were all really unfailingly kind and polite to each other? Stepford. That is not generally regarded as a place in fiction where women’s rights have triumphed.
“The declaration that any time a woman dislikes another woman she’s no longer a feminist is a logic that implies women somehow have to be held to a different emotional standard than men. Because men seem plenty able to dislike other individual men and still remain in positions of power and respect. Donald Trump hates a whole bunch of men and that does not seem like a big conflict to his “men’s rights” supporters. Being held to the same standards and accorded the same emotional privileges as men is kind of what we’re going for here, with the whole feminism thing.”
Amazing how that comes out after every woman who hated Hillary got labeled a misogynist. Buy hey, open season on Ivanka and Kellyanne!
Why are you upset ma’am?
That woman is great. My new hero.
She can hold a conversation, tell jokes and quote Shakespeare. She’ll remember your birthday… what you like to eat, and the names of your brothers and sisters. She can hold a conversation about music, movies and books.
This can’t be true. The feminists have been assuring me for years that men’s only interest in women is as sexual objects. Surely, they wouldn’t be interested in a sexual object with intelligence, which feminists have assured me men only find threatening in women.
They’re going to stop using the term “Uncle Tom”, right?
Needs more “knuckle-draggers” and “yokels”.
ZARDOZ HAS TO GO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIT INTO THE GIG ECONOMY.
Do you know who else tried to fit into the gig economy?
Numerous rock groups?
Don’t forget Igneous Rock groups.
No, who?
Dirk Diggler
Not that I am suggesting Zardoz should resign himself to back ally hooking to pay the bills.
Hey, it’s
goodwork if you can get it.He’s got the skills for it…
… I hear he gives really good head.
Kermit?
Katherine Hepburn?
(C’mon people, don’t let me down with your obtuse pop culture knowledge)
I’d like to come up with a witty retort, but I feel like I should defer to Ted S.
Classic films is really his specialty.
I’d guess he’s referring to Desk Set, since that has Gig Young in the cast. But her “pro athlete” character in Pat and Mike was technically working in the gig economy, not that they called it that back then.
That’s the best I can do for you at 5AM.
And so the cycle of life is renewed
[Budweiser joke deleted]
Don’t mock, this is how beer will be brewed on Mars.
Rocket blows up.
Well it’s still the worst beer on earth.
I stopped watching as soon as I noticed the dude with the skinny cow pants and the man bag.
I bet they weren’t hungry an hour after eating this Chinese food.
well of course it’s called PIS-ner. Because what else would they call it.
Honestly, it’d probably be an improvement on the taste for most American beers to just use piss. Unfiltered.
Holy crap the Chicago Tribune writer couldn’t say the the gang members used a semi auto rifle often enough. Was there an office pool for how many times that was referenced in one article? Because the obvious problem isn’t gang members intentionally firing into a car; it’s that they used a semi automatic rifle.
Odds that the writer has any clue what a semi automatic weapon is?
That’s the one the shoots out 100 bullets a second from the clip magazine with one trigger pull, right?
That’s a revolverator!
Semi automatic in media English = full auto with aimbot, incendiary rounds and unlimited ammo capacity.
You forgot “nuclear capability.”
Only what you see here, pal!
And YOU forgot “heat seeking bullets”
https://youtu.be/BRQqieimwLQ?t=22
None. And the comments above are spot on. You know the writer thinks this is a military weapon that’s been unleashed in Chicago. If only we the unwashed would bow to superior knowledge then these shootings would immediately stop.
and the financial supply/availability can probably be traced to those who wish this latest escalation of weaponry upgrade
Time for the NCAA Lacrosse Selection Show!
We’re doing a bracket challenge, right?
Lacrosse actually looked like it could be fun when I watched my uncle play in school. I had no idea what the rules were though (I still don’t).
However, I did like the idea of whacking my opponent with a stick.
Yes, that can be an amusing aspect of the game.
There is one small detail tho. People hit back.
My son’s high school lacrosse team’s season just ended Friday night, finally. Still have the season-ending banquet to get through, though.
Heh I played lacrosse for my high school’s inaugural season (I was a senior). The only knocked off my feet hit similar to those that I remember was from one of my teammates during practice. Fun times
I think North Carolina or SU
I went to a bunch of ACC games this year, watched a bunch on TV/Streamed at the end of the season. NC looked devastating in their last few games.
Here’s the bracket
https://res.cloudinary.com/cmgverticals/image/upload/f_auto,q_auto/v1494207060/lacrosse-men_d1_2017_yoymvt.jpg
13 Countries where apostasy is punishable by death. Any guesses?
#7 will amaze you!
It’s Utah, isn’t it?
And soon, Germany!
Not really.
Lol. Thank you. *Monday morning made a little brighter*
Damn you and your international date line!
I’m sure this has no relation to straffinrun’s link above, but I just wanted to say that my guess is that there are 13 Muslim majority countries in the world.
Any overlap with the Trumputin travel ban countries?
The Maldives surprised me. I don’t know shit about it other than SI shot a swimsuit issue there ages ago. I just sort of figured if bikini clad foreigners could frolic on their beaches they weren’t super uptight about religion.
The Maldives is an Islamist shithole.
Wow. Too bad.
A relatively relaxed version of the religion was practised under Gayoom until 2004, when an influx of preachers, funded mainly by Saudi Arabia, arrived after the tsunami.
Huh. How long before we can put Saudi Arabia on the list of state sponsors of terrorism?
Thanks HM. Didn’t know that. SI must have been there before the influx. GL it can’t happen soon enough.
There are currently an estimated 100 Maldivians fighting for ISIS.
Howie Carr is great:
Interesting that this is the first I have heard of this crooked politician. She obviously did not structure her charity properly.
Is Trump’s religious-freedom order as bad as the progs say it is? I sure hope so.
“Handmaid’s Tale! Handmaid’s Tale!“
How long do you reckon until the porn parody Handmaid’s Tail gets made?
There’s also a Handjob’s Tale.
I thought the Handmaid’s Tale was a porn parody, just not a very good one.
The Handmade’s Tail is available on Etsy.
We had thunderstorms. It rained while it was sunny. I saw rainbows.
Does that make me gay?
Need more info. How many rainbows did you see?
Depends. Was that a euphemism?
Did you put your penis in a man’s butt? If so, you are gay.
Did a man putt his penis in your butt? If so, you are gay.
You saw a rainbow? Not gay. Only penis in butt is gay. Or mouth. And some hand stuff. If you’re both dudes. But if one guy is dressed up like a pretty lady, then it’s not gay. If both guys are dressed like pretty ladies, then it goes back to being gay.
I’ve got a chart with most of these scenarios and the decision of whether it’s gay. Just ask me. I’ll get you the correct answer.
*furiously scribbles notes. Raises hand…
But how about this? Where is this on the chart?
Hand stuff. Two dudes. Gay.
What if it’s like a really pretty dude?
Man pretty or lady pretty?
Tom Petty?
LOL. Reminds of the line from Hair (I think), “I’m not gay but I would suck Mick Jaggers’ cock.
This was only slightly less confusing and self-contradictory than explanations for when statistics should be called ‘data science’.
it doesn”t matter how many dicks you suck Playa.
What matters is how many of them did you enjoy ?
From People Magazine:
“Fashion influencers showed their (stylish) support for Hillary Clinton on Tuesday evening, when the former Democratic presidential nominee was honored in New York City with a “Champion of the Century Award” by Planned Parenthood as it celebrated 100 years of operation….
““This Gala is a powerful reminder that Planned Parenthood has been around for 100 years and will continue to be here for the people who rely on us, no matter what,” Planned Parenthood CEO Cecile Richards said on the nonprofit organization’s website earlier this month. “One hundred years of care, education, and activism have changed everything, and we will not rest until access to health care and rights is a reality for all people.””
Urge to kill… rising….
GAAH! HRC in khakis! For a second, I thought she was going bottomless.
If Planned Parenthood was able to get that many wealthy people to show up tovirtue signal on their behalf, then I don’t think they need taxpayer funding.
To virtue signal
> to virtue signal
> to virtue influence
I was just talking about that the other day with someone. I haven’t seen their books, but I suggested that maybe if Planned Parenthood spent more time doing private fundraising rather than being dependent on government grants and Medicaid, and if they spent more of their dearly-won funding on actual medical services instead of partisan political activism, they could probably put together an endowment large enough to provide an abortion to every woman in America (including travel expenses for women still living in the hinterlands).
Some women may need more than one.
*goes back to sucking on government teat*
Did they have a miniature display in the lobby of the all the dead bodies from their 100 years of abortions?
Not really in the lobby. You had to go through the kitchen and look in the dumpster behind the convention center.
Oh, next to the pile of rusty coat hangers?
So ZARDOZ needs a clean slate?
He just wants to get a head in life.
Hey, we all just want to get head.
ZARDOZ NEEDS TO KEEP CHIN UP.
AND A STIFF UPPER LIP (A LOWER ONE AS WELL).
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE STEP ON MY JOKES
Good on you, keeping Australian music prominent in the ears of the Web surfing masses.
VIDEO: Will Al Franken run for President in 2020?
There’s three basic questions for him to consider…
Gore’s people should let him know that it’s tougher to successfully play the quadruple-recount game at the national level.
Number one how badly do I want the Democrats to lose in 2020?
Number two how much do you think I’ll be able to pocket in bribe money before the campaign is over?
Number three if I lose this one will I still be able to keep my current job?
He’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and by golly their ballots are marked for him.
Yes but fortunately for us, they don’t have the ability to rig a national election.
You saying Hillary didn’t have junk in the trunk?
I didn’t hate to see her go, but I did love to watch her leave.
I can make your beak retch.
He should run with Jill Stein as his running mate.
Franken/Stein 2020
I lol’d. A lot
Me too. Alex Cooper at the convention.
Yep. Good one, Eddie.
There was an old bastard named Lenin
Who did two or three million men in.
That’s a lot to have done in
But where he did one in
That old bastard Stalin did ten in.
RIP Hitch.
There is no housing crisis in SF/Oakland you fucking morons. Let people build to demand and the problem goes away,
Problem is, the people in San Fran and Oakland are demanding shit for free.
And here we have proof #9,021,000 that progressives hate poor people.
That’s on top of all the idiotic pro-tenant regs.
I hope I typed the address correctly…this should be Schubert’s Nocturne For Piano Trio In E-Flat Major
Hey, guys, I think I found some early video of Bill and Ted
Just saw this: Milo is self-publishing Dangerous, and suing Simon & Schuster on top of it. He’s also forming his own imprint, Dangerous Books, which he’s going to open up to other authors.
If anyone was interested and missed it, here is a thing I wrote for Glib a few months back where I speculated he might do just this.
Nailed it!
For me, Milo put himself out of the “contrarian” box and into the “freedom for the thought we hate” box when he endorsed child abuse and sacrilege, but I suppose that’s what a robust 1st Amendment is for.
But if he can carry out a First Amendment win, then that would be good for free expression in general.
Yeah, he hasn’t been all that consistent but power to him if it really is a free speech vehicle.
I’ve gotta say I enjoyed this thread. Well done, Y’all.
*Heads to work, filled to the brim with snark*
Shh. Don’t encourage that moron Quincy.
oh God, apparently Sally Yates is testifying tomorrow, so there are a billion “I’m with her” and #SallyYatesisaPatrio on twitter, as all these people get lost in their own narrative. it’s barfworthy.
I couldn’t even manage to finish the hashtag correctly. Is it still a Freudian slip if you typo?
Jesus. “Sally Yates will be testifying in public for the first time since Trump dumped her 11 days into his presidency — apparently because she crossed him on his court-challenged travel bans.”
He wants an AG who’s aligned with him politically? What a monster. He made a shit pick, but blaming him for choosing his own people is insane.
She truly made an outstanding career move there. She knew she was going to get fired, she knew she should have quit… but seriously, how much money did she make for herself in doing that?
I am wishing Yates would jump into the crater on Kilauea as an attempt to appease HRC (PBUH).
Who?
Oh fuck, more RUSSIA HACKKED US HURR DURR coming up.
Speaking of, have the Russian Hackers(TM) finally been defeated? Did someone finally figure out their game and stopped them from hacking France’s election?
Nope, they hacked Macron’s campaign, but fortunately for democracy, France was saved by media laws that require the major news outlets from not reporting on the candidates during the runoff!
Wouldn’t want any last minute revelations that could change people’s minds.
Crazy Russian Hacker’s still active, I hope.
oh yes, apparently Trump’s impeachment trial about being Putin’s Puppet starts tomorrow!!
Meanwhile, a former U.S. President influences the French election in a proven, quantifiable, a frankly shitty way, but that’s fine.
Some woman who drowned a bunch of her kids.
Just so you know, I got the joke. I was there for you bro.
I hate those damn stock images. Our HR department loves them and features them constantly. Next time, use real employees that are excited to hear your latest plan to screw them over.
Has ZARDOZ considered UBER? Or Lyft?
If so, please let me referral to get the bonus!
*ducks*
A bad Star Strek sketch is problematic because reasons.
Racist shitlords gonna racist shitlord.
That having been said, I think Ali Wong would be a great addition to the cast.
If she’s Wong, I don’t want to be right