Glibertarians.com 2017 Archive

Fur Friday

Written by

jesse.in.mb

in

It was recently brought to my attention that there is a hot new beard trend involving mascara and references to unicorns. In fact, several people let me know whenever there is a “hot new beard trend” because I am the token bearded-American in their lives.  These people mean well; they’re universally follicularly challenged (often women) and think that their beardo friends are just Ken dolls waiting to be adorned in whatever is trending on Pinterest today. And they also seem blissfully unaware that these “hot new trends” are mostly just two guys from Portland on Instagram with a shtick that has been escalating since 2014 when they stuck some flowers in their beard on a lark and got positive buzz from it. They dabbled in food stuffs and non-flowering plants, returning to more complicated floral arrangements periodically to hold the interest of their followers. At some point they crossed an unforgivable line into glitter beards. I assume anyone else who tried this on the internet has some kind of mental handicap, intense self-loathing or is very good at photoshopping, because only a masochist would put the herpes of crafting (thanks Dimitri Martin) into their beard. I’m not even sure how you would get rid of glitter in one’s beard that did not involve dying and being reincarnated as not-a-fool. More benignly they did Christmas ornaments for this Christmas.

So remember, kids. Next time you see a clickbaity article talking about a hot new beard grooming trend is sweeping the nation’s men, remember that it’s probably just a few instagram personalities having fun or trolling for clicks and not hot, new, or a trend.

A bizarre homage to last week’s Manly Monday:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BKrRbbRAy1j/

I do believe we wore the same plastic prop ax to the party. One of us will have to go home and change.

Comments

60 responses to “Fur Friday”

  1. Mad Scientist

    There’s this new beard style, but you probably haven’t heard of it.

    1. jesse.in.mb

      Let’s keep it that way.

  2. __Warren__

    What?

  3. one true athena

    so yesterday I went to amazon for the first time since Manly Monday. And what do I see? TRASHY ROMANCES WITH DAVID BYERS on them. I didn’t look him up, I didn’t do anything but look at the pictures here. Stop being creepy, Amazon!

    #thanksJesse

    1. jesse.in.mb

      I was joking with a friend with a banjo cooker that he should do a fried turkey last weekend and then Google floated it as a recipe I might be interested in a few days later. My first thought was “this isn’t seasonally appropriate at all”

      1. Vhyrus

        I am about 90% sure that your smartphone listens to your conversation 24/7 and if it picks up something it can monetize or search it presents it to you like “Oh hey thought you might like this!” I have had my phone do this several times to me.

        1. jesse.in.mb

          I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve had it happen with some oddly obscure things that couldn’t have been coincidental. Then I’m left wondering if I actually searched for them or was just discussing them…or if it’s reading my texts.

          1. Gilmore

            Since 2014

            Google Inc updated its terms of service on Monday, informing users that their incoming and outgoing emails are automatically analyzed by software to create targeted ads.

            The revisions more explicitly spell out the manner in which Google software scans users’ emails, both when messages are stored on Google’s servers and when they are in transit, a controversial practice that has been at the heart of litigation.

            Last month, a U.S. judge decided not to combine several lawsuits that accused Google of violating the privacy rights of hundreds of millions of email users into a single class action.

            Users of Google’s Gmail email service have accused the company of violating federal and state privacy and wiretapping laws by scanning their messages so it could compile secret profiles and target advertising. Google has argued that users implicitly consented to its activity, recognizing it as part of the email delivery process.

          2. jesse.in.mb

            Yeah, I’m aware of the ad-targeting with emails. I don’t email about frying turkeys THAT often though. I’m wondering how much other information they’re hoovering up, but wouldn’t be surprised if the answer was “all”

          3. Gilmore

            wouldn’t be surprised if the answer was “all”

            its an interesting question. I’d bet that deep within the EULA of many services you get for free is some caveat saying that Google Analytics apply to that service. few people probably grasp exactly what that means.

    2. Gustave Lytton

      That’s better than what I got– Amazon’s HQ being turned into a homeless shelter.

    3. Playa Manhattan

      Don’t click on his link to the 55 gallon drum of lube. I’m still getting related suggestions a year later.

  4. Brochettaward

    Beards aren’t meant to be stylish. When done properly, they are a fuck you to the world.

    Also, Richard the (Fucking) Lionheart was not gay. I feel the need to address this.

    1. Just Say’n

      ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that’

    2. jesse.in.mb

      Beards aren’t meant to be stylish.

      What if one’s stylish beard is a big fuck you to people who think they get to define what a beard should or should not be?

      1. SIV

        Beards are for ape-men who live in caves and struggle to make stone tools so dull they can’t even shave with them

        1. Tonio

          STEVE SMITH SADDENED BY TONE OF SIV’S COMMENT. WANT TALK IT OUT WITH SIV. BY TALK IT OUT MEAN RAPE.

      2. Brochettaward

        Listen, you can be whatever weird fetish, homosexual or straight you want. But a beard is a sacred thing with objective meaning. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow any shallow follower of trends to defame them. Do you hear me? I’LL BE DAMNED!

        1. jesse.in.mb

          I’m pretty sure everyone is comfortable with that outcome.

    3. The Last American Hero

      What do you think those historians meant when they say Henry II gave him “The Kiss of Peace”?

  5. Just Say’n

    Real men have beards. This is known. Bearded Americans unite! You have nothing to lose, but your razor!

    1. Riven

      I like just a bit of scruff, but I respect your right to wear a soup catcher on your face if you so choose

    2. CZmacure

      So you’re saying that many/most asian males aren’t Real Men?

  6. __Warren__

    Real men wear breads!

    1. Vhyrus

      Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!

    2. jesse.in.mb

      Will you accept cheese puffs?

      1. __Warren__

        Looks like they got a facial from the Syracuse mascot.

  7. AlmightyJB

    I can go 2 or 3 days without shaving, that’s about it. I’m too pretty to cover up with fur.

  8. Playa Manhattan

    I keep the trimmer set to 3mm. That’s the right length unless you’re trying to hide ugliness.

    1. Gustave Lytton

      *sets trimmer to maximum depth*

      Wha?

    2. straffinrun

      I do, too. I’ve tried shorter, but the wife won’t sit still.

  9. Riven

    The glittery beards just seem like they would be the nuisance that keeps on giving

  10. Pan Zagloba

    God dammit, Americans, this shit is your fault! Stop exporting your idiocy!

    Transgender rights bill threatens ‘female-born’ women’s spaces, activists say

    “We are worried that this well-intentioned legislation will be used to undermine the rights of women and the crucial work of women’s groups,” Hilla Kerner, a collective member of the Vancouver Rape Relief and Women’s Shelter, told the Red Chamber committee studying Bill C-16.

    “What we are saying is: If you were born a female, you are doomed. You are doomed in our society to be second-class. You do not have the privilege of growing as a male and have a choice to choose to be a woman. Surely, you cannot say these are the same thing.”

    1. Viking1865

      TERFs are hilarious bits of lefty infighting.

    2. John Titor

      You don’t blame the crack dealer for your crack addiction.

      1. Pan Zagloba

        You leave Games Workshop out of this!!!!!!!!

    3. Suthenboy

      I dont really follow any of that. Is she saying that if you are born with a pussy you dont get to choose to cut your dick off and have a fake pussy, or not cut it off and pretend you do?

      Whatever.

      *Goes outside to smoke a cigarette and piss in the yard*

      1. Pan Zagloba

        Pretend argument:

        “I was born a woman, which is a DOOOOOM! DOOOOOM! I AM OPPRESSED!”
        “You were born a man. You will ALWAYS be an oppressor. STOP PRETENDING TO BE OPPRESSED!”
        “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECIST!”

        Real argument:

        Social status and government money are limited resources. I want more and fuck you for muscling on my turf.

  11. Vhyrus

    I think I found Heroic Mulatto

    1. John Titor

      Nope, no pornstache.

    2. {|}===[|}:;:;:;:;:;:;:>

      Filmed on a potato.

      1. Vhyrus

        Well of COURSE anything showing HM’s face is going to be blurry and grainy.

  12. __Warren__

    Doctor Phil is a total scumbag.

    1. straffinrun

      I like how that doesn’t even require a link.

    2. Ted S.

      I prefer to call him Mr. Phil.

      1. RBS

        How about just “Phil?”

  13. straffinrun

    I rocked a new look for the Woman’s March. The Ketchup Beard.

    1. __Warren__

      You should always wear a condiment when fucking with these women.

  14. RBS

    Did something happen this week? My Facebook feed is extra derpy.

    1. Ted S.

      Former Finnish President Mauno Koivisto died. Does that count?

    2. __Warren__

      A one Donald Trump visited Comey island and this is expected by some that he has to eat some im-peach-mint pie.

    3. Viking1865

      I swear his goal is to literally kill progs by triggering them.

    4. Playa Manhattan

      Trump got 2 scoops

      1. Ted S.

        Trump should troll CNN by sending them a box of Raisin Bran.

        1. __Warren__

          Russian Bran.

          1. Ted S.

            In Russia, Bran eat you.

      2. SIV

        While the journalists only got one. If I were an editor at a cosmotarian blog I’d say this not only shows a dangerous disdain and contempt for the freedom of the press but a clear threat to the 1A.

        1. Suthenboy

          I remember reading that Marlon Brando used to have unwanted guests a lot so he would bake up a batch of cookies to offer them. He would invite them in, sit them down and offer them a cookie. They would stop chew and ask what kind of cookies they were to which he would answer “Shit. I made them myself. No, really. I made them with feces.”

          Perhaps Trump should get out the ol’ KitchenAid mixer and give it a workout.

          1. Suthenboy

            stop mid-chew…

            fuck auto-correct.

  15. jamrogie

    Yeah yeah, I know, late to the party seeing this thread, but I cannot let this go unmentioned… Behold, the Monkey Tail Beard! And no, it does not consist of weaving actual monkey tails into your facial hair. Although… Never mind.

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