Regular readers of this feature will remember the feature a few weeks ago on the Counting of the Omer. To recap, this is a ceremony which ensured that the Temple Priests would get edible pelf (in the form of barley) daily for seven weeks following Passover. And when we get to the end of the seven weeks… Shavuos, which translates to “sevens.” And like sevens in craps, it means a boatload more pelf for the priests, since it marks the wheat harvest, and the priests now start getting wheat and wheat products (bread, not the dreaded matzoh).

I can’t help but notice that the priests set up the holidays and make the rules for them. It is shocking that the holidays seem like they all benefit the people who made the rules. And it somehow seems familiar, at least for those of us who follow what Congress does. It is good to be a priest.

In any case, like many other holidays, Shavous has, in the manner of Velcro in a lint pile, picked up a boatload of unrelated accretions: besides the marking of the beginning of the wheat harvest season, it has somehow acquired the meaning of King David’s birthday and day of his death; how coincidental! It also is supposedly the day that Israel was handed the Torah, and transformed from a newly-freed tribe with vague monotheism to full-on Yahwist. And if that weren’t enough, it is also supposedly the Yorzeit day (anniversary of the death) for the Baal Shem Tov, a Polack who founded Hassidic Judaism, which teaches that one becomes closer to Yahweh by dressing and living like an 18th century Polish peasant.

Traditionally in Ashkenazi (Eastern European) Judaism, there are five customary things to do for the holiday:

  1. Akdamut, an Aramaic poem written by a Kraut
  2. Chalav, pigging out (wait, am I allowed to say “pig”?) on dairy products, especially cheeses
  3. Ruth, the reading of, you guessed it, the Book of Ruth
  4. Yerek, putting up ferns and potted plants everywhere around the house
  5. Torah, doing an all-night Torah cram session

Three out of the five seem dreary to me (I’m not much on decorating). The all-night Torah thing could be fun if there were alcohol and weapons involved, but no such luck. The reading of the Book of Ruth actually is pretty cool, though. Ruth is really a wonderful story of love, family, and loyalty, peopled with delightful and noble characters, unlike the assholes who seem to dominate the rest of the Bible. But the real fun is the chalav, mostly because I love cheese and have the stomach to prove it. Interestingly, the chalav custom is turned on its head by Yemeni Jews, who actually avoid dairy products on Shavuos.

Yemeni Jews

Putting aside the Yemenis, when Shavuos and cheese are mentioned, most Jews who lean more toward Ashkenazi (I’m half, with the other have being Mizrahi) think “blintzes.” As they should because blintzes are fucking awesome. Most blintzes that you goyim ever eat are remarkably shitty, either frozen food service items served at shitty chain restaurants, frozen low-bid blintzes bought from the freezer case at Walmart, or served at a deli run by beaners, and also likely to be low-bid frozen.

There’s no excuse for this- so much Jew food is just plain shitty that ruining one of the rare great dishes is a shonda. And as much as it embarrasses me to say this, a really good basic how-to to make great blintzes is provided by a wop, the great Chef John of Food Wishes. Well, let’s be honest, Italian cuisine is so much superior to Jew food that it’s not suprising that someone of Italian ancestry can make our food better than we can. And we’re Americans here, cultural and culinary appropriation is what we’re all about.

In any case, it’s a basic crepe batter (I use something similar, stolen directly from Julia Child) with a cheese filling:

Now, let me add some notes to this, some of which Good Chef John was too polite to mention.

First, some people use cottage cheese for the filling. Don’t be like those people. Cottage cheese is coagulated pus. John uses a mix of ricotta and mascarpone, which works well. But even better, and certainly more authentic, is farmer’s cheese, which is a dry-ish ricotta. A really excellent alternative is requeson, which is available at finer Mexican deli counters.

Second, this is a sweet version, but there’s no reason that blintzes can’t be savory. I’ve used ricotta and Parmesan (thus bringing them one step closer to manicotti), chevre for a tangy French touch, requeson and cotija to do them Mexican style… basically, you can get any palette of flavors you like, the key is the process of wrapping, sauteing, then baking. If you go savory, adjust the crepes as well! And they can be topped with sauces appropriate to the cuisine you’re appropriating.

I have not tried this with paneer and coconut chutney, but hey, it could work.

Now, I’m off to go read Ruth.