Six feet of asphyxiating love
“Goddam invasive species!” Florida Man shouted, firing several more rounds into the python that had just strangled his goat. “Fuck you right in your… do pythons have asses or just a single opening?” Several of his minions looked at one in particular. What was his name? DeWayne? DeWitt? Whatever his name was, he was apparently into snakes. Sexually.
“No, boss, they just got one opening. Its got a reallll good squeeze if you know what I mean.”
How in the hell could he ever rule Florida, driving the old and the tourists before him, making the Seminole tribal wealth his own, establishing the seat of his power at the top of the phallic Capitol with minions like this? Florida Man shot DeWhatever until the slide locked. The minion twitched, kicked, and gurgled for a ridiculously long time. Some of these minions were harder to kill than a palmetto bug. Probably the fact that some of those guys couldn’t possibly have a functioning brain. It was like watching Paul Reubens die in Buffy.
We bring in the goats to eat the kudzu, we bring in the pythons to…
The goat being dead was a problem. A Santeria priest was supposed to sacrifice that goat in the dark of the new moon to remove any curses from Florida Man’s soul. That goat. Not another one. He’d already lost two minions to chupacabra duty (or maybe a hungry Skunk Ape — there wasn’t much left of the minions or the animal — hard to believe anything would like the taste of that weary keyboard warrior) and killed another who thought it was dinner on the hoof. And now a damned python had strangled it. Fuck!
Pulling his cellphone from his utility belt, Florida Man called the priest’s 900 number. Papa Voudoun was the most in demand curse-lifter in Southern Florida. Weirdly, sometimes Papa Voudoun sounded Haitian and sometimes Hayseed. Like maybe he was possessed or something.
“Papa Voudon, Florida Man.
“No, no. THE Florida Man! Right! Yes.
“Listen, I have some… news about that goat I was supposed to get you… It got strangled by a python…
“I know… They totally should have an open season.
“Absolutely… Criminal that our delicate ecosystem is being raped by these invaders…
“Like the boys from the Islands? I thought you… Ohhh. Right. Yeah. Those Puerto Ricans…
“So about that goat…
“Wait, it transferred its power to the python? But I shot the python!
“The curse is worse?! How do I get it removed?
“A new goat and a $5000 pair of cayman-skin boots size 11EE?
“Papa Voudoun! Did the police just knock at your door? Anthony Jefferson?! That ain’t no voodoo name!
“Medicare fraud? You… Monster!”
Florida Man turned to two of his minions. “Get yourselves down to Miami. Punch a cop. Get arrested. I want you to find Anthony Jefferson in the jail and see if he really knows voodoo. Beat him until he curses you and see if you die badly. Go.”
Florida Man jumped on his airboat. He’d heard stories of a more aggressive Nile crocodile in the swamps. Fake voodoo priests! He’d feed that fake priest to an invasive crocodile and then kill it and have boots made. And then give them to a Puerto Rican! Maybe that would break the curse.
Nice shooting Florida Man.
Which was better, the roast goat or barbecued python?
If he’d waited until the python swallowed the goat he could’ve roasted the whole thing together for a local variant of turducken.
Pyoat?
Gothon?
I mean if we’re following the naming convention I guess it’d have to be pyoat. It doesn’t have much of a ring to it though.
pycapra?
Is there a third animal we could shove up the goats ass or something first? or can the whole thing be swallowed by gators?
Allipyoat could work.
Is there a third animal we could shove up the goats ass
I can’t wait for the SF crossover special.
You little minx, Jesse. Fixated on hamsters *again*!
People are animals.
STEVE SMITH NO BE MEAL FOR HUMAN, WAIT FOR STEVE SMITH TO FINISH WITH GOAT PENETRATION BEFORE EAT
Allipyoat would be the most Florida.
Goats’ll eat anything, right? Take your pick of small animal.
Bravo good sir, bravo
DAMMIT!
Dude, it’s not like you reposted my link. It’s ok, I’ll share.
*bows*
BRAVO!
I am choking back laughter here at work. This is much more fun than this CLE course.
I sometimes wonder what a person who stumbles onto this website with no context must think.
“Oh well this is nice.”
*closes browser, shuts down Windows safely, douses computer with fire*
Oh come on, we’re far from the worst thing on the internet.
We don’t rate pyrophoric purification.
You’re at a website where Sugar Free is a founding member. That alone rates suttee.
*quietly opens laptop, pours several gallons of boiling bleach on it*
What’s next? Do you wipe it? Like with a cloth or something??
*retreives grapefuit spoon from drawer, presses to corner of eye socket*
Actually, our bounce rate is quite favorable. (Visitors to the who visit one or more pages after their first pages.)
That would be us. The “run away screaming” demographic would be statistical noise, as it’s somewhat small in proportion to the number of consistant members of the Glibertariat.
Oh god, this place is my college cafeteria lunch crew. We’d make space for anyone to sit with us and the people who survived the first day felt like they’d finally found a home and the people who didn’t never made eye contact again.
I can never think of the college cafeteria without remembering the day when I turned around to see a little skinny Jewish guy snorting a line right across the middle of the lunch table.
Sounds like you went a good college
I showed my brother an episode of “The Adventures of the Secret Nazi President” a few weeks back. He’s a total Trumpeñero, but he gave me a weird look. Now that I think about it I have not talked to him since.
It might be related.
Now that I think about it I have not talked to him since.
Sounds like mission accomplished, then?
Just got off the phone with him, actually. He needs somebody to buy him booze…
Killing invasive species, Australian style:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm3hd1pxHME
That’s hilarious
Honestly I was expecting to see a combine through a field of rabbits, so… not bad.
Another way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqfP4F7iUpo
Mostly OT (*there may technically be something related to Goats in here) =
So last night i came across another ‘start-up libertarian web publication’.
https://bilanreport.com/
It seems to follow a roughly similar model as here; i think its wordpress-based? (maybe not, tho i was reading it on my phone and i think it told me it was), and it takes submissions from a variety of voluntary contributors who range from “anonymous avatar”, to ‘people who blog elsewhere’ and are re-purposing their stuff, and actual journalists/academics who do one-off pieces. Its centered around 1-2 core guys who wrote a lot of the early stuff, but seems to have opened up to include ‘just about anyone’ since May.
I read about a half dozen pieces; the quality, as you might expect, ranged from surprisingly good, to …. really, really, really not.
The latter seemed to be stuff in the “philosophy” category from people who have recently discovered libertarianism, wildly misunderstand lots of it, but feel compelled to write an analysis of it anyway.
I sympathize, because they mean well. But there’s only so much “old hippy woman discovers economics” and “20-something kid who used to be an anarchist but now realizes the merits of not smashing stuff and also = Cops Are Actually Pretty Important” I can take before i get a little irritable.
I’m still trying to not be mad at them for “10 Worst President’s“. I mean, normally misused apostrophes are an instant death sentence, but… I want them to do better.
I’ve added it to a list of new publications (like Areo Magazine) which seem to reflect a growing amount of political journalism which tries to get out of the godawful Team Red/Team Blue echo chambers. I plan to dig a little further when i have more time and see if there’s anything worth sharing in there.
Let’s not ignore
Samizdata
Ages ago, before I ran into a firewall problem, I contributed a few posts there and commented. I’ll have to put them back in the rotation.
I still can’t convince anyone that it should be ’90s instead of 90’s. I blame Lynn Truss from taking apostrophe use from mild annoyance to bugbear.
What if we’re talking about ’90’s music or ’90’s fashion? The ’90s own Ace of Bass and parachute pants, and it’s not like any other decade wants to claim them, so a possessive apostrophe seems appropriate there.
’90’s would be music of 1990, not the 1990s. I suppose you’d have to go with ’90s’ which looks like you’re doing an internal quote of 90s. When I started my job I was going through old reports and kept finding phrases like “The patient had a prior accident in 98′ in which she sustained mild whiplash” and couldn’t figure out how he’d managed to fubar apostrophe use so badly, and then I realized it was the logical conclusion of putting an apostrophe between the number and the s instead of using it to make a contraction form of 1998.
Parachute pants were ’80s.
“U Can’t Touch This” was a #1 hit in the US in 1990, and MC Hammer popularized parachute pants. I don’t remember anybody any in the 80’s wearing Parachute pants. The 1990’s own that fashion faux pas.
Those were hammer pants, homie. Parachute pants were something different
Definitely 80’s. I can *ahem* remember them from 1986, please don’t judge.
1990’s
*weeps*
You saw the signs and it opened up your eyes.
U Can’t Touch This wasn’t actually a #1 hit.
[/pedantic bastard]
You don’t need to convince me, ‘cos I’m already convinced.
The alternative rendition makes no sense. A year cannot ‘own’ anything in a meaningful way.
It does look interesting but I dont see much in the way of comments. I wonder how many readers they actually have.
It was basically 1 guys blog (Roman Bilan) until ~march 2017
but since then its accrued a lot of contributors. A google search for libertarian related topics actually pulled it up pretty quickly alongside Reason, and other mags. Apparently (tho it could be fake) chris caldwell of the Weekly Standard shouted it out as a new, interesting source.
i think you might assume that “comments” = high readership. not all places are like that at all. and it takes years for a community to build up around a website and create a lot of chit-chat.
https://bilanreport.com/2017/04/11/the-case-for-the-catholic-church/
Oh, look at this article “The Case for the Catholic Church”.
Eddie?
*ducks*
Hey, that article is pretty good. You can tell it’s not me because of its lack of tasteless jokes.
I just posted over there to see just how ‘libertarian’ they are.
-1 Purity Test.
I don’t think anyone should get away with claiming that Islam is compatible with Libertarianism. It’s an injustice and a slur which cannot go unchallenged.
Woah, woah there Milo. We should support religious tests now? How reactionary (and progressive, but I repeat myself)
Shit. This is awkward.
I would have been on that like white on rice if I’d signed up by then.
Shorter me: “It’s hard to reconcile the NAP with calls for the execution of apostates. How (if at all) can one square that circle unless as a devout muslim, you’re going to gut the hadiths?”
*CAN* a devout muslim gut the hadiths. And most importantly, can *ALL* muslims gut the hadiths and live within an Islamic jurisprudential framework that consists solely of the inerrant, literal word of god, stripped of subsequent interpretation?
… I’ll shut up now …
http://www.minaret.org/
“Muslim ban first strike in militant whitening of America – The Muslim ban and the ethnic cleansing of America”
Am I missing something here? I see it’s a list of stories at other sources but their choices seem a bit…odd
Certain individuals can be, sure, but on the whole no.
Leviticus ain’t exactly Libertarian, but some of those (((people))) hang out here, and I got nothing against them. Of course, I can only afford to be racist, I’m not really rich enough to be an anti-semite.
As for the Muslims, I’ve got nothing against them in general terms. (The explody types I could do without.) I’ve known a few that came to America trying to live the American Dream. Where a guy can have a beer after working a double shift, without worrying about the Local Committee on Vice and Virtue trying to lock them up for drinking a PBR. Or a girl can escape from a burning schoolhouse without wearing a burqa. (Yes that’s a thing that actually happened.)
You’re just misreading Leviticus, bro.
if a man lies with another man as he does with a woman he must be stoned was just an injunction to ass-sex and weed. Super libertarian.
“I know… They totally should have an open season.
RIGHT?!?
*throws FSU hat in the air*
“HAVOC! NO QUARTER FOR THE PYTHONS!”
Outstanding.
Someone posted the ol’ ’24 types of libertarians’ strawman comic in the other thread.
Figured I’d post the counterpoint.
Nice. You win
Trump announcing changes to Cuba policy. Huh. Is he going to undo Obama’s giant middle finger to the Cubans?
No, he’s going to Reverse McKinley’s policy of not annexing Cuba.
Do you guys really want a bigger, more annoying Puerto Rico?
I’d need to see some back-of-the-napkin math about whether annexing Cuba would make cane sugar cheaper than HFCS for soda making.
If it makes Cuba step up their game with cigars, because frankly they’ve lost their cachet after decades of communism, it might be worth it.
Headlines from google search:
CNN – Changes in Cuba policy could adversely impact Trump’s hotel competitors
NYT – Moving to scuttle Obama legacy Trump moves to crack down on Cuba
Mother Jones – How a crew of hardliners hijacked Donald Trump’s Cuba policy
My take – Trump reinstates haven for victims of one of the world’s most horrific regimes
He is railing against the horrors of communism now.
You know who else railed against communism?
Jow McKarthy?
*Joe
*sheepishly slinks away*
*raises hand*
Hyperion?
The leftist media will find (make up) a reason to criticize anything that Trump does. Or any Republican for that matter. And what they are doing with this special investigation is nothing more than an attempted coup. The Clinton’s are behind all of this with their buddy Comey and the entire bunch who are all butthurt because Trump is raining on the big party they’ve been having for decades on the taxpayer’s dime. I don’t see this ending well for the Democrat, but it’s apparently the only strategy they have left to try and save their mortally wounded brand.
They could pull their bacon out of the fire anytime they get ready to. They could take the old advice – If you dont like being called an asshole then stop being an asshole.
I think they are so far up their own asses that they cant see that. The deranged behavior we are seeing from them is nothing more than their death throes. At least I hope it is.
https://twitter.com/brhodes/status/875770884161773569
Ben Rhodes continues to embarrass himself. Yes, Obama bro, please tell me who stupid Cuban exiles are?
“how stupid Cuban exiles are”
Damn it, I can’t spell for chit today
*shit
Damn it!
Hands Say’n a shovel.
Good old failed novelist and nepotism hire Ben Rhodes, the brain behind Obama foreign policy.
That said, the embargo was a failure. I have much sympathy for Cuban exiles, but they can’t be allowed to dictate American foreign policy.
I think the reversal on the Cuba policy is useless at best, harmful at worst. 50 years of embargo didn’t bring the Castro’s down, reinstating it is just virtue-signaling on a national scale.
We’ve got a monument to Communism 90 miles from our shores. The embargo is stupid. Cuba’s not about to start setting up Nuke launch sites against us anytime soon.
Everyone should go visit Cuba. Go see the glories of Socialism. Just bring lots of cash, because the ATMs don’t work, and nobody wants to get paid in Cuban Pesos, because toilet paper is more valuable than Cuban pesos. Also, bring lots of toilet paper. Also. there is no Wi-Fi outside of government approved stations.
Go visit the glorious People’s housing, a glorious production of Soviet Architecture and public housing projects.
Or just spend some romantic beach connecting with a cute Cuban gal. Better wear a condom, because those Cuban gals are synonymous with sex tourism. Last week she was probably getting banged by a Chinese oil ship captain.
So you are saying they all have the Hong Kong Cooties.
*shitcans Cuban travel brochure*
I wouldn’t spend a dime in Cuba, since it all goes directly to Castro.
Same here.
How much longer can Raul last? He’s almost as old as Fidel was. What happens then, military coup or Raul just picks the nearest bus driver that he sees?
Generals form a circular firing squad until only one is left.
Aren’t they now paying people to hunt these things? Sounds like fun and profit to me.
I thought they did. We really need Pro Lib on this one, this is his bailiwick.
Greetings, glibs.
I have a little extra free time before the mandatory fun begins, so here’s some random things to chew on:
NJ Democratic Strategist Launches #HuntRepublicans and #HuntRepublicanCongressmen
https://heatst.com/politics/nj-democratic-strategist-starts-huntrepublicans-and-huntrepublicancongressman/
***
After a shooter in Alexandria left House Majority Whip Steve Scalise in critical condition and wounded four other people, a longtime New Jersey Democratic political strategist responded by introducing the hashtags #HuntRepublicans and #HuntRepublicanCongressmen.
“We are in a war with selfish, foolish & narcissistic rich people,” wrote James Devine on Twitter. “Why is it a shock when things turn violent? #HuntRepublicanCongressmen.”
Devine has run for office, consulted for numerous New Jersey campaigns, and worked in the offices of state lawmakers. He’s also a blogger.
In an interview with MyCentralNewJersey.com, Devine said, “If you want to invite a class war, then you have to expect people to fight back at some point.” The Democratic strategist also wrote on Facebook that he had “little sympathy” for Scalise because of his lack of support for gun control.
Several New Jersey Democrats criticized Devine’s comments and said they did not endorse violence.
…
In 2014, Devine was convicted for shoplifting lettuce, protein powder and hair conditioner.
***
I am Jack’s lack of surprise.
Oh, he’s going to be disappointed when conservatives start trending #shootback
The history books will note: “It was a short civil war”
I don’t know. The left has mob violence down to a tee, and they’ve proven much more willing to murder in the past.
The left has mob violence down to a tee
The American left is actually really bad at mob violence. Because its been so fringe and ignorable, it pretty much has been until recently. Look at how easily they are routed by any kind of organized response at all. Jeebus, their last major riot ended with them getting pantsed and wedgied.
The worst thing they could do is get good at it, so people actually care enough to respond in an effective manner.
It seems like the left really owns political violence these days. All the sort of right or right-ish groups I can think of are guys like the Oathkeepers or the Threepers. Sure, violence is potentially on the table, but mostly the emphasis is on using violence in defense, where the Antifa types and so forth seem more interested in using violence to defeat political opponents. The analogy isn’t perfect, but just picture what the Bundy Ranch standoff would’ve been like if it were “black bloc” people instead.
It’s been weird seeing some of my righty friends get excited about the coming violence. Like it’ll be justifiable to participate as soon as the antifa types strike the first blow, but they’re usually armchair philosopher types who would never actually be in the streets. The breakdown of civil discourse is fascinating, but I can’t imagine it ending well for anybody.
I am not. Jesus. They aren’t thinking. It could mean the collapse of the civil society, the collapse of the economy. Before every war people think it will be short and glorious. That idea usually evaporates pretty quickly but once you break the dam you have to wait until the whole damned lake drains. You cant stop it.
Agreed. A lot of my coursework was in European Revolutionary history. And it never goes well for everyone excited about it at the beginning. Never.
There’s a quote Antony Beevor uses in the introduction to his book on the Spanish Civil War. I forget whom he was quoting, but whoever it was discussed how, shortly before the war, he watched a gorgeous, well dressed, obviously wealthy young woman getting on a bus. The bus driver smiled at her as she got on, but as the speaker watched him, the driver’s expression turned to pure hatred after she went past him. The speaker said something like “I knew at that moment that we were doomed, when class conflict was overriding the biological drive for lust.”
I cant remember which battle, but early in the civil war a battle took place near D.C. and many residents went out in their sunday best with umbrellas and picnic tables to have a party while they watched their side route those damned rebels. They ended up fleeing in terror. I wonder how many of them ended up losing children to that war.
That one cost us over half a million lives, left half of the country in ashes and gave us a century of hard feelings.
Anyone looking forward to this is psychotic or ignorant as hell.
That was First Bull Run (or First Manassas, depending on your persuasion). From Wiki:
I think it was Antietam where the Washington D.C. gentry thought they could just have a picnic while the North steamrolled over the South. Yeah. that didn’t exactly work out well. I don’t see it working out any better for future conflicts.
My friends joke about the upcoming barista brigades staging a violent coup and shooting themselves in the knees or just going into full-blown panic as soon as some guy with an NRA hat and an AR shows up on the scene. We’re all gun nuts, and either libertarians or conservatives, and there’s a certain guilty pleasure in daydreaming about taking the piss out of a bunch of suburban Marxist “revolutionaries”, but I think the reality would be much uglier and is something I hope I never see in my lifetime.
Barista brigades. Nice.
Seems likelier we’ll see another Kent State before we see shooting violence between mobs.
Well, they were armchair philosophers, who, like Cincinnatus, will shoulder the heavy responsibility of becoming armchair warriors.
When their foe is bested, they will lay down their armchair AR-15’s, heave a deep sigh, and retire to their den, and become armchair farmers.
AR-15’s
Was that intentional?
Guns have agency, Jesse. Hence, they could own things.
I’m guessing none of those people have been in a country in the midst of an insurrection or civil war. It is almost uniformly horrible and the end state is usually worse than what came before.
I think those on the right who seem to be eagerly awaiting open armed conflict are motivated by a couple of things
1)A desire to see the violent elements of the left get their comeuppance.
2)A notion that the right is who would succeed in such a conflict, since it’s the left who finds guns icky
3)A belief that all it will take to set the country straight is a good asskicking of the left. Do that, and everything else will fall into place.
#3 is the one that truly baffles me. Liberty is always suppressed during times of armed conflict.
I am confident that the constitutional subscribing side will win but I would much rather see it won at the ballot box. The problem is that as the left loses more and more at the ballot box they become more and more willing to use violence. They just dont seem willing to accept a loss and wait for the pendulum to swing back. Even when it swings their way it never goes far enough for them. I think violence is the only strategy they see as a way to get what they really want. They seem motivated primarily by hate. Even after 8 years in power their candidate was still talking ab out how a large part of the citizenry were deplorable and irredeemable and she said it to applause and laughter. Scary shit.
I also think that while few *embrace* the NAP in a totemic sense as most of us do, many people – even foreign policy hawks – agree with it when applied within their/our own culture.
In a parallel to the Roper dialog concerning the law in A Man for All Seasons, it’s really unwise for certain political tribes to openly reject the protection that the NAP should confer upon all, because one day, they’ll want the protection it affords, they’ll turn around and all that ‘soft’ compliance with the NAP will be denied them.
When it comes to rampaging hordes of baristas in my ‘hood though? I am unafraid. I have a stack of signs for my perimeter that state that all food supplies in the house are from GMO sources, and may contain nuts and gluten.
I think this is well understood by most people who are not living in fantasy land. The Antifa and their idiot allies might trash up cars, break windows, and set fires in the cities, but they get out to the burbs and country side, they’re going to get themselves full of lead. I just think that it will mostly be the cops who are filling them full of lead before most citizens get their chance.
I don’t see any of this really happening, not a full scale civil war. A total breakdown of law and collapse of the economy would have to happen first. This is not 1850, or even 1940. Back then any man would fight, to not do so would be so shameful that you would make yourself a pariah by doing so. It would be better to fight for any man. Today? Half of the fucking men in the country are emasculated pussies, who while calling for a ‘revolution’, a very large percentage of them would run and hide under their bed at first signs of armed conflict. A full scale civil war will not happen, because of this. Also, while most of the gun crazies on the right would fight if shots are fired, most of them do not want a civil war, they’re not that stupid, they have families.
But the left are going to keep it up until something bad happens. I expect it to be limited in scale. They really do need to be taken out behind the woodshed and smacked around a little. I actually expect that what might finally stop it is when a bunch of them unexpectedly commit suicide by cop. They’re so stupid that they think the authorities are on their side. Yeah, right you dummies, when the cops are beating your asses and shooting you to death, remember that we told you so.
What the left might actually succeed in if they’re not stopped in the near future and are allowed to keep up this behavior, is that they could actually get their revolution by causing a breakdown of law and order and an economic collapse. Then they’re going to get the consequences they deserve. But unfortunately, it will get ugly for a great deal of innocent people.
If you want to invite a class war, then you have to expect people to fight back at some point.
Yeah, you might want to take a moment and think that through, Jack.
The Whiskey-Fueled Riot That Forged West Point
In the 19th century, the vaunted school was more ‘Animal House’ than military academy
https://warisboring.com/the-whiskey-fueled-riot-that-forged-west-point/
It’s amusing to see that attempts to enforce prohibition on young men in the military worked about as well then as it does now.
Also, when Jefferson Davis (yes, that one) was a young cadet a West Point, he got wasted and fell down a 60-ft ravine while stumbling back from a tavern.
OT: self-contained – and oblivious – irony from the AAUP.
First sentence: “Higher education is dangerous because it raises expectations.”
ahh, such lofty goals and self-importance.
What expectations was the AAUP raising on Capitol Hill yesterday?
“Their message was clear: make college accessible and affordable and block harmful Trump budget cuts to student aid and federal research and humanities programs.”
Yep, the expectations that someone else should pay for your life choices.
From what I can tell from a brief internet search, the main pants-shitting is over the proposal to abolish the public service loan forgiveness program starting in 2018 (those already in the program will continue). This particular program allows all student loan debt to be forgiven after 10 years of service in any government or non-profit agency. Hmm, wonder why the AAUP has a problem with that.
Tennessee man just one-upped Florida man. He caught the two escaped convicts trying to steal his vehicle – and of course he was armed. So he held them at gunpoint until cops showed up with his $130k in reward money.
I saw that. As I suspected CNN buried that fact near the end of a long tedious description of everything that happened.