We’re in the long break between (((holidays))), so you’re getting another bible story, though I’ll keep it short this time.

Before delving into this week’s story, though, I want to mention the Documentary Hypothesis, with which most of you are undoubtedly familiar (if you’re not, here’s a delightful book which explains it). Basically, the DH explains that the bible is actually a composite of four different books, woven together by an editor or editors around 500 BCE. The books are referred to as J, E, P, and D, with the P book representing the interests of the priest class and concerned mostly with details of ritual.

On to the story. This week’s sedrah is called Korach, named after a fellow who was unhappy with Moses and his clan running things during the 40 Year March, but didn’t get the Hollywood treatment of Dathan. Anyway, you’ll recall last week’s bit on the spies who checked out Canaan, Yahweh getting sand in his metaphorical vagina, and lots of smiting of the Jews. Following these unfortunate incidents, Yahweh had Moses build a refugee camp with about the permanence of contemporary ones in the area. There, the Jews had to sit and wait right outside of Canaan until the 40 years were finished and most of the adults were dead. As you can imagine, this did not sit well with the Jews, who kept demanding from the back seat, “ARE WE THERE YET?”

Korach was a bit of a malcontent. By the rules of inheritance, he should have been the High Priest, but for some strange and mysterious reason, he was bypassed so that Moses could install his brother Aaron in that position. This may seem vaguely familiar to anyone who is familiar with Chicago. Korach, like many Chicagoans, wondered who put Moses in charge; “I didn’t vote for him, did you?” Taking matters into his own hands, he rounded up 250 of his crew and confronted Moses. “Who the fuck made YOU king, Moshe Baby? Where’s MY cut? Whycome Aaron is getting the sweet ride that ought to be mine?”Moses responded, “Hey, you’re so fucking smart, go light your incense burners at Yahweh and ask him what’s what.” You see, only Real Priests were allowed to do that, and given the patronage aspects here, this would not include Korach et al.

This lese majeste did not exactly please Yahweh, who as you recall was something of a thin-skinned homicidal asshole. Yahweh thundered, “Everybody stand back, unauthorized incense, it’s clobberin’ time!” Moses, now emboldened, declared, “If these folks who did not respect muh authoritah are right, they’ll die of old age. But with Yahweh around, I bet something’s going to happen like, oh, the Earth swallowing them up.” Good guess, Moses, that’s exactly what happened. Korach and his leaders got swallowed up. Funny coincidence.

 

You’d think, that being done, Yahweh was through. Heh, you don’t know Yahweh. The rest of the rebels then got hit with Holy Cleansing Fire, because really, once you start killing, it’s hard to know when to stop. Much like eating potato chips.

The Jews, having had a night to think about this, gathered around and said, “This seems a bit excessive, eh? Killing 250 people because of some incense?” Not the thing to say when Yahweh is on a killing spree. Yahweh, being the kind of god he was, naturally started a plague. Yahweh loved plagues, it was sort of a hobby with him. But like good citizens, Aaron and Moses figured out that if everyone got plagued, there wouldn’t be anyone left to pay graft make holy sacrifices. So they lit their incense and jumped between Yahweh and the remaining Jews. Holy incense, you see, apparently acts on Yahweh the way Green Kryptonite works on Superman. The plague was stopped, but of course, too bad for the 15,000 Jews who had already been snuffed. Ah well, them’s the breaks.

Now, just to prove to the remaining Jews that they had better not fuck with Moses and Aaron again, Yahweh did a couple minor miracles involving walking sticks and almond trees. I don’t know about you, but if I just saw the earth swallow some rebel leaders, the rest of the rebels get instantly burned up, and a sudden massive plague, some cheap walking stick to almond tree transformation would not be the thing that convinces me. But somehow, it did the trick for the Jews.

Yahweh then told Aaron and Moses that they wouldn’t have to work on farms and ranches, that everyone else had to pay them 10% off the top. That was the setup and the Jews had to shut up and like it. Everyone toiled, the priests took their cut. Just like Chicago.

And that was really the point of the story, to make the Jews fearful if they didn’t pay protection make holy sacrifices to the priests. And circling back to the Documentary Hypothesis, you know who wrote THIS part of the bible. Yep, it’s part of the P narrative. Huh, funny coincidence, that.