Good morning!  Yesterday sure was an interesting day.  TCU bounced aTm from the CWS. The Astros won. Everybody seems to be getting jazzed up for one of the weakest NBA drafts ever. But the biggest sports story happened off the field. (Rolls eyes) I guess they didn’t have room to report on how his recruiting, and performance in The Game, is sadly lagging his contemporary to the south. But whatever. The thing that pisses me off so bad is that they’re deleting comments making fun of the publicity-hound. Oh well, the only thing that matters are championships and wins in The Game. And based on his performance in those two categories, he’s a failure.  So carry on, Jimmy. You keep getting press and St Urban will keep getting gold pants.

::wipes spittle from computer monitor::

OK, that’s enough ranting. Let’s delve into…the links!

Jon Ossoff: Election Loser

Jon Ossoff will be happy that he’s represented by a Democrat in the US Congress. Of course, that’s because he lives in GA-05, not in GA-06. GA-06 will be represented by Karen Handel, who absolutely smoked him last night and made everybody from Nate Silver to all the other pollsters that had her chances of winning well below 50%. Hell, the race was three points outside the margin of error on almost all the polls. (TW: HuffPo piece. I would bring a 55 gallon barrel for the tears. But also be prepared for every conspiracy you can think of that doesn’t include aliens.)

Alternate headline for this story: In a Selfish Act, Asshole Kills Himself, Endangers Others on Public Street. I wonder if taxpayers will be on the hook for a survivorship pension for the next 30-40 years.  I also wonder if they’re gonna find that he was “involved?” with one of those students he worked with. Because happy, well-grounded people don’t off themselves while literally driving down the street.

Just in case you were worried you wouldn’t find the most retarded ass story imaginable today to read, fear not! I found it for you. (TW: Salon going full fucking Salon.)

Stephen Hawking is feeling pretty generous…with other peoples’ money. Hey, Stevie. Why don’t you run a bake sale instead of trying to put your robot hand into my pocket to fund your little ideas. Besides, we’ve already been to the damn moon. The greatest human being ever, and sharer of my birthday, was the first man to set foot on it.

Some dude, whose name reminds me of having water sprayed up my asshole, finally quit his job. I guess the pressure finally got to him. Or he ran out of sexist jokes.  Either way, its probably time they found a professional COP to run the show.

Texas Mom

And lastly, in strange shit, Texas people can be just as weird as their contemporaries from Florida. However, I will go ahead and say that’s a nice rack.

Innuendo.

That’s it, friends. Go out and have a great day. I may be underwater by tomorrow morning if this damn storm Cindy makes landfall in the wrong place. Let’s cross our fingers it doesn’t.