Florida Man returned to consciousness to that special headache and muscle pain that he knew from experience as the after-effects of electrocution. Judging by the pain in his back, someone had either jammed a taser or live wire into the base of his spine. He tried to move his right hand to explore the spot, but it wasn’t moving. Oh shit! He was paralyzed! Never to shoot a block of tannerite from way to close again. Wait, wait.
Maybe… maybe he wasn’t paralyzed. Maybe this was the OTHER kind of hospital he was in. Yep, given a moment to get his bearings, the arms weren’t moving because he wearing a straight-jacket. Thank The Mouse! Florida Man knew exactly what kind of scams go on in nursing homes to paralyzed patients. No way was he going to be a living sex doll for some oxycodone dependent semi-literate nursing home attendant to pimp out. Straight jacket, taser wounds, Florida Man could deal with that. It smelled like Lake County Hospital. Yes. Okay. It was starting to come back.
His minions had roughed up Papa Voudoun, who was also a Medicare fraudster. Florida Man could see now that just because a Santeria priest made a living by Medicare fraud didn’t mean that he didn’t have some powerful voodoo. Those two minions came back as flesh-eating zombies. Or maybe they’d just gotten into a bad bag of bath salts, but the timing was awfully suspicious. At any rate, he’d been forced to flee his lair and made the mistake of speaking openly about his fears of having his intestines eaten by his former minions. Officers were called, tasers were deployed, Florida Men were arrested.
“Hey!” He called.
“Hey! I’m not crazy anymore and I want to call my lawyer!”
A skinny little ferret of a redneck in a corrections uniform came to get him.
“You get ate up by any o’ them zombies?” The CO asked. “Heh, heh.”
Florida Man dialed up his lawyer. Actually, the CO dialed his lawyer and set the phone in the crook of Florida Man’s shoulder, the straight-jacket still being in place.
“Listen, Pam, its Florida Man. I’m in the Lake County jail and I need out.”
“What?! What do you mean, cash-flow problems?!”
From out of the phone speaker the tale emerged.
“It seems, uh, FM, as if the woman you put in charge of skimming Gainesville may have taken some liberties with your money. It does appear that she might have used some of the money for, uh, cosmetic surgery.”
Florida Man swore. “I’ll fucking rearrange her ass for her.”
“Well, she paid a doctor a lot of money to have that done.”
“What? Fuck. Fuck! Get me out of here.”
“Okay, okay. Its going to take a little while. You know I don’t front money to clients. I’ll have to get in touch with some of the others and maybe pawn a few things. What about the airboat?”
“No. No! Do not pawn or sell the airboat.”
“Yeah, okay. You’re breaking up, I’ll get someone down there, probably by tomorrow.”
Florida Man let the phone drop to the floor. He kicked it across the room and started beating his head against the wall and chanting, “I’ll kill her. I’ll kill her.”
Suddenly there was a sharp pinch and the warm, relaxing feeling of a lorazepam and haloperidol cocktail washed over his body. Florida Man was in jail for a while, and he didn’t care.
Comments
162 responses to “Florida Man Episodes III”
James Ellroy in a threesome with Larry Correia and Hunter S. Thompson.
Shaka, when the walls fell.
His eyes red, his condom unfurled!
STEVE SMITH AT TANAGRA
Something that just occurred to me, both of the aliens in that episode played Starfleet Captains in other Star Trek Shows.
The alien second in command of course went on to become Captain Sisco of DS9, the alien captain was the captain of the Reliant in Wrath of Khan
Reminds me of Tim Dorsey.
How does one become a contributor on this fine site?
Judging by Brett L and SugarFree, I would assume mental illness is a plus.
Fine site?
You must be insane, or depraved. You’ll fit in well.
Have you made a donation??
Of sorts
Nice work.
Is that like “leaving a deposit”?
Go here and fill out the form?
Huh. Whaddya know!
I appreciate that every Florida Man episode has a phone bit in it. Reminds me of Bob Newhart’s schtick. Very classy. Very funny.
Thanks Brett!
Newhart was incredible in his phone “conversation” bits – both in timing, and choice of gags.
Newhart’s timing was amazing. He could be funnier with a pause then most comics could with an actual bit.
I hope when FM finally gets out, he decides to go on a road trip. Fish outta water thing. Utah would be good.
Venezuela, the Florida of South America, now has an AIDS crisis on its hands worse than even the poorest African countries.
They even said the “S” word in the article!!!
hmph…..not REAL socialism
Yeah, the writer seems pretty enamored of the Real Thing as described in the 2nd paragraph.
2nd3rdIf only some running dog lackey capitalist like the Gates Foundation would swoop in and save them.
Why is the United States withholding cheap lifesaving items like drugs, condoms and infant formula from these people?
It’s clearly all the fault of the CIA for backing a failed coup fifteen years ago. Allegedly.
Washington Post has some unnamed, imaginary sources that have the whole truth.
Socialism ruined my sex life!
The real tragedy, apparently, is that there are still some in Venezuela who are not affected by such problems.
They’re just trolling at this point… right?
Sorry. Venezuela is the ILLINOIS of South America.
*scowls*
We still have toilet paper!!!!
When Crumby tried to push a deputy into a scrap metal pile, a deputy used his Taser on him.
This casual mention of the ‘scrap metal pile’ may be the funniest part of the story.
You must not be from Florida. Every other house has a pile of rusting metal somewhere on the property.
My grandpa had a great one. So many cuts, so many fond memories.
Also: “No. No! Do not pawn or sell the airboat.”
Yup.
So many cuts, so many fond memories.
If only you could tell us about them through your lockjaw.
Mmph! Hmumph!
OT: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! The insurance company for the city of Ferguson, Missouri, paid $1.5 million to settle a wrongful death lawsuit filed by Michael Brown’s parents, the city attorney said Friday.
The Ghetto Lottery.
Lawyer will taking 1/3rd.
Care less about his family getting the settlement and more about these settlements being paid by the taxpayers (even if through insurance companies) rather than out of the police budget.
An official with the Nebraska Democratic Party was shitcanned for saying he wished Scalise had died
earlier, he had this to say:
I’d love to know what he claims was the actual context of “I wish he were fucking dead”
“I wish he were fucking dead… ly gorgeous supermodels! Yeah, that’s the ticket!”
“I’m glad he got shot…s for tetanus. Those infections can be awful”
Seriously, this is the key question. WTF, man?
That sounds like something Beatty would have said instead of Montag.
+ 451
Yeah, but too bad about Clarisse…
Whoa! Mind. Blown.
Interesting, snips from the original story in Omaha:
“Kleeb removed Phil Montag on Thursday morning as co-chair of the state party’s technology committee after The World-Herald sent her a link to the recording on a black advocacy website…The conversation took place in a private home in Omaha between Montag, Nebraska Democratic Party Black Caucus Chair Chelsey Gentry-Tipton and a friend of hers.”
“The Omaha man who could be heard on the recording saying he made it, Destin Madison, could not immediately be reached for comment.”
And, finally:
“Kleeb had called for Gentry-Tipton to resign as the Black Caucus chairwoman last week because of comments Gentry-Tipton had posted on Facebook. She declined to resign from the elected position, saying her post was taken out of context by party officials.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNeZOh1JbOg
(applause)
i keep hearing bits of 1980s action-TV-show soundtrack when reading these episodes. Like “sax riff”-transition, ‘synth trill’ of fear, ‘electric piano of suspense’, etc
also, i keep this reference card handy to provide a visual-aid for characterization. i think they all have their applications, but ‘upper right’-guy feels very Florida Man today.
yeah, that wasn’t meant to be a reply.
(kicks something)
That guy looks like the bad-boy from a Harlequin romance cover
with a mullet and a chest tattoo!
OUR HERO
all, except one, have mustaches. I think we have a connection.
“shirts” are also notably absent
shirts come and go, mustaches are 4 life.
(Raises beer-cozy-wrapped-tall-boy in salute)
The context was that you weren’t supposed to know what he thinks. See, he said the magic words “I’m not gonna say [this] in public” which, as we’ve learned from the DNC leaks, means you’re supposed to ignore everything else. People can have impure motives in private as long as they have the right motives in public. Don’t look behind the curtain, peasant.
“I wish he were (part of the) fucking (Grateful) Dead. (They are my favorite of the rock and roll singing groups)”
Deceptive editing works!
When is Florida Man gonna go down to Dade and make some connections to Russian Hasidic Gangsters in Sunny Isles Beach? If he really wants world domination, he’s gonna need their help.
I think Brett L is trying to avoid a Carl Haiisen lawsuit for a little while longer.
Brett’s read more like Tim Dorsey’s, though.
Tim Dorsey was my first thought.
Maybe I should try to elevate him a little bit and make him a little more Archy McNally. But yes, FM does appear to be somewhere between Serge and Coleman.
So last night I posted about the AAUP asking members to defend academic freedom in the case of the prof in CT who posted to social media with the hashtage “LetThemFuckingDie.” I sent a sarc response to the AAUP. This morning I actually received a response:
“Thanks for your reply. We haven’t investigated or taken a position on the content of the faculty member’s speech in this instance. Our view is that if a faculty member does something that merits disciplinary action, action should be taken through proceedings available at the university, with due process. We don’t see threats of violence to the individual, the individual’s family and, in this case, bomb threats against the university that cause it to shut down as a reasonable response to a tweet.”
I fully agree with the last sentence. The first sentence is idiotic. No evidence if offered to support the allegations of threats of violence. As to the bomb threat, here’s a local news story:
“A college campus in Hartford was on alert for what police called a “non-credible” threat after a professor posted controversial comments on social media.
The Hartford Police Department said they assisted the Trinity College Campus Safety Department. They said they investigated multiple non-specific and non-credible threats related to a potential statement allegedly made by a staff member, and there was no active police presence on campus.
A spokesperson for Trinity College said they closed the campus “out of an abundance of caution.” The college allowed only card access on campus.”
LetThemFuckingClose#
The statement, while execrable, was not a threat (at least not as the first amendment would define it). It should be defended, as should all speech, no matter how terrible it is.
You start going down that road you get into hate speech bans, then more.
I agree. My point to the AAUP was that they provided no context whatsoever to what he said, in fact they made it sound like an innocuous social media post. I would rather they be up front about what was said and then defend his right to freedom of speech (IMO that would be a stronger statement anyway).
In both their original post and in their reply to me this morning, they cited death threats, bomb threats, etc. as the reason to defend the professor without once offering any evidence that such threats had happened.
Finally, I also called them out on their double standards in not addressing the assaults on free speech made by faculty on campuses – they did not reply to this.
In short, I totally agree with you and I should have explained my point better in the first place.
Nitpick:
Electrocution requires death.
Shocking but true!
Per my online dictionary, injury or death by electricity in current parlance, although it appears that the origin of the word is a portmanteau of “electricity” and “execution”.
So technically is the best type of correct.
I think we are both technically correct.
BTW, the dictionary I use as my default is older than I am. Its definition of inflation is monetary not price, so why would I go to any other source?
Merriam-Webster online agrees with me.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/electrocute
The Oxford Living Dictionary agrees with you. That sounds like a living constitution.
“Shocking but true!”
What an amped up statement!
Ohm my God. Are we doing this again?
Seriously, watt are you people doing keeping this up?
Well I did t see you offering any resistance.
Doing watt again?
I volt for this to continue.
I vote no. It’s too polarizing.
I get that, but I’d settle for and admittance of impedance.
*an admittance* – *an admittance* – fucking spellcheck…
…or me being drunk this early in the day …either – Goddammit. Whatevs, I blame technology.
It’s okay Penguin, nobody expects much in your current state.
\
/
\
(*)
See, this kind of pun thread has just lost its spark for me.
Is the thread too short for you?
It can sometimes be an impedence to serious conversation
but then there is no reason we could not have both in parallel
Not sure how to rectify the situation.
Probably you should all just die. OD, or something. There’s really no reason for your reluctance.
It’s just resistance.
These puns are what makes this place such a joule
I’m not current with how long we can go before being gazed at. But this has been one great series of puns.
Indeed, I can never understand why a series like this always has so many resistors
*narrows gaze at entire thread*
You keep making that face, it’s going to stay like that.
I come here for the slutty cartoon girls. Would!
OT: Watched the Vice News piece on Evergreen State University.
This is 100% exactly what I’d expect a gathering of Evergreen State University students to look like:
http://imgur.com/YpJOgB4
They better watch out, the creature on the left looks hungry.
Tubby’s the only kinda-doable one in that picture.
I… um… what?
Look at the others. Tubby is still sort of feminine. Granted, I can’t see much of the one in overalls.
I should have used the hyphenated word “most-doable” instead.
Ok, granted, she’s the only one that definitely had two X chromosomes, I’ll give you that.
That’s a dude.
You’re insane – Trigglypuff-in -training is as horrfic as the rest of them, maybe back hat wearing middle girl- maybe….
Oh, I’ve never denied that.
Middle girl is the only maybe in the group. And I’m not sure about that, because out of the 5 she’s the one I’m least sure has two X chromosomes.
Stranded on an island
“They better watch out, the creature on the left looks hungry.”
The fat one does, too.
I am now suddenly in favour of mandatory peacetime drafting.
So the draft dodgers end up in Canada? Think this through. I mean, no skin off my back, but you don’t have to go that far too make up for Beiber.
Hey, I didn’t say Canada wasn’t also mandating military service for its shithead hipster university students. They come up here they get to be part of the Penal Battalions.
The Quebecois foreign legion?
New Caledonia, watch out!
Vous vous conformerez!
I don’t want my penal anywhere near that battalion.
You can’t fool me, that’s the GRRL power group from PCU minus the female love interest.
Those aren’t womyn, Brett. Those are Womynysts.
20 years later, that parody that was so far over the top doesn’t come close to modern reality.
Needs more Kristy Swanson.
I am guessing that the townie girls have their pick of college boys.
*googles images of male evergreen students*
Oh. Never mind.
Are the shin tattoos supposed to direct attention towards or away from the cankles?
Sigh. “STRAIT jacket.” Because it’s narrow, not heterosexual.
Don’t judge my jacket’s preferences bro.
Straitjacket, it is a compound word. No spaces, though strait-jacket is an accepted if rare variation. -extra pedantic mode off
Fun fact, they’re still used under the name “argentino suit”, the name coming from the manufacturer. My father worked in an “asylum” for over twenty years. He hated the things.
I spent half that many working in a very large mental hospital. We did away with those many years ago. We used soft restraints but not straightjackets.
Go on…
The asylum wad in scare quotes for a reason. Dad was a nurse in a prison. This prison just so happened to be the only one in the state of PA with the facilities to handle people that were to unstable to be in normal gen pop.
They call it the “forensics department”. He wasn’t dealing with regular schizophrenics and bipolar people, he was dealing with people that raped infants and ate them afterward. They used a lot things a normal mental hospital never would.
Fuck.
I don’t now what else to say, other than I’m sorry for your dad.
We had a forensics unit. I know what you are talking about.
Did he have to weat a “suit” to eork every day?
No, he preferred to wear Hawaiian shirts.
“You see, the problem here is that my little brother this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave and uh my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out and hi-jacked a school bus full of penguins so you see it’s kind of a family crisis so…come back later? Great”
+Two Dollars
Regular day in the life of Florida
So someone who writes for Bill Nye said this….
Whatever, sooooo edgy!. Nothing noteworthy. I only brought it up because isn’t the Bachelors in Engineering Guy’s show supposed to be about knowledge and education? So why the fuck is this blithering idiot on staff?
Discussed? As in, it hasn’t even been discussed before? Let me translate that tweet into what she really meant:
There’s a tellingly openly tribalistic mindset to these statements, like the only reason that ‘old ass conservative white men’ support gun rights is because it’s just the niggers and the poor getting shot, and once they get threatened suddenly they’ll drop their principles. I mean, I can see that with some RINOs at least, but the Rand Pauls of the world probably have a bloody clause in their will that says “no, if I’m assassinated don’t name a fucking gun control bill after me”. Reagan didn’t suddenly start trying to pass gun regulations when he got shot. And this is ignoring the fact that even if they wanted to pass gun regulations their hands are probably tied by the Republican base, who would recognize the entire scenario as cowardly appeasement. So in short the more principled an ‘old ass conservative white man’ is, the more likely he is to take a bullet and not give a fuck about gun control. They fundamentally don’t understand their opponents and just project their own impulses on them.
Reagan is a poor example for this argument. It was reagan that banned open carry in california after the black panthers started tooling up for their marches, and if you look at his record on gun control post shooting he went pretty anti gun afterwards.
Unaware, noted.
Goes back to that Jonathan Haidt research. The right tends to be able to describe its opponents and their arguments.motives fairly accurately, while the left can only describe the gremlins infesting their brains.
Glad someone else has read his corpus. I think its telling that a number in his field turned on him after he started publishing his results.
Also see this one, which I’m pretty sure is racist, given that she sure looks white.
https://twitter.com/marcellacomedy/status/876153232694943744
Pfft, look, I’m not exactly what you’d call ‘with the urban culture’, but Barack Obama was the whitest damn black/mixed race guy you could install in the position, he was as a far from a ‘nigga’ as you can get. I mean, if they want to put Big Boi in power I’m cool with that.
I also like that the Resistance’s idea of creativity is rewording Trump’s signature hat and calling him Drumpf. He is up against some formidable minds, no doubt.
IIRC she’s either hispanic or mixed race, but anything she says is ok, according to her target demographic, because she’s as progtarded as the day is long. Remember, if you can check off a couple diversity boxes (non-straight, not-white-white) and say the right things, you can get away with anything.
From her re-tweet of someone else, or just someone else tweeting:
“Chelsea Peretti Verified account @chelseaperetti 2 Jul 2016
i dont understand how comedians are held more accountable for their words than politicians”
Like Michael Richards?
Not saying he didn’t deserve what was coming to him, just that this is bullshit.
Fuck, got that exactly wrong. Sorry.
Here I’ll save you. Remember when Trent Lott damned near lost his job for being nice to Strom Thurmond at his birthday party?
http://www.nytimes.com/2002/12/10/us/under-fire-lott-apologizes-for-his-comments-at-thurmond-s-party.html
Take that back he did lose his job, just not all of it.
Thx, Vhy, but I fucked up – completely. I’ll own it.
File under : “When good things happen for bad reasons”
#SoBrave
Hah, I should have scrolled way down earlier! So many gems….
Retweeted gibberish…
Apparently written pre-Salvadoran perp arrest…..
How in the fuck is stabbing a cop an act of terrorism
Because the attacker was shouting Allahu Akbar?
but raping and killing a muslim child isn’t?
Because the attacker gave no reason to think he was committing violence to advance a political/social goal?
I hope Marcella Arguello dies an agonizingly painful death from ovarian cancer.
I order to increase research into it, right?
I agree. We need more research creating diseases to kill vile individuals like Marcella Arguello.
She fights for YOU HM! Don’t you see?! ITS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!
Surprised no one has pointed out the inherent paradox of her statement
how did those old ass conservative white men die? At the hands of a heavily armed leftist.
she’s saying, “maybe we need to shoot more republicans in order to get gun control”
if you think political change flows from the barrel of a gun, gun control is in fact the least of your real desires.
What she’s really saying is =
“its ok – the right people got killed this time; but lets change the subject and pretend we’re the peace-loving ones.”
if you think political change flows from the barrel of a gun, gun control is in fact the least of your real desires.
Oh they want gun control, they just want the Right Men to be the ones controlling them.
Looking at that feed, the first thing to go through my mind was, “Ah, one of those sorts”. People who feel the need to announce their “edginess” invariably only announce their tepid mediocrity.
That was el mas excelente. Very nice work getting the links into the story. My favorite great reads of silly but great fiction are mostly FL related.