“When you’re the king, everyone thinks they need to take a shot at you,” the hat muttered.
“What the hell are you talking about?” the hair asked.
“Our website was taken down. Hacked. Clearly a conspiracy to stop the relentless MAGA Train!”
“What website? We don’t have a website.”
“Glibertarians.com, motherfucker,” the hat told him, scorn dripping from his voice. “They write up our adventures.”
“Wait… someone knows about us? Someone is writing about us?”
“Yeah, some dumb fucker named SugarFree. Can’t type for shit, but he’s got the inside scoop somehow.”
“Like, he’s watching us?” the hair asked. He tried to smooth some of his more unruly ruffles. “Like, cameras?” the hair asked in a whisper.
“I don’t know how he does it. Might be psychic. Like we come to him in dreams or some shit.”
“What does he know?”
“Everything,” the hat replied.
“EVERYTHING?!?”
“Dude, dude, dude… you are missing the point. The website is down. They’ve been hacked. This is a clear attack on us.”
“That website should be taken down! Donald would shit out his heart if he knew we were being monitored!”
“Oh, fuck. Calm down. It’s a libertarian website. No one reads those but crazy people and losers. And no one pays attention to SugarFree. He’s a crap writer.”
“Then why have they been hacked? Who would bother to hack them?”
“I don’t know? Putin and the Russians?”
They both rolled around on the seat next to Donald on Air Force One, gripped by convulsive laughter.
Comments
164 responses to “Technical Difficulties”
It wasn’t me
I mean, Sloop didn’t use bullet points in the morning links. You had clear motive.
If it wasn’t you, you wouldn’t need to say it wasn’t you.
I knew it all along…though the headline pic seems the more likely story.
Russians? Nah.
CNN, I CHOOSE YOU!
CNN Uses Fake News.
It’s not very effective.
/And I never even played the game.
But I don’t know anymore than before I read this. Well, at least I wasn’t banned for something I, perhaps drunkenly, wrote.
If you get banned and you come to the site, the screen says BANNED in really big letters and there’s a fart-filled soundtrack.
You’re making getting banned sound like a more enriched multimedia experience than visiting the site, yo.
Don’t perverse incentive me, bro.
New contest? Best ban screen?+
Battle of the Bans?
As a high roller I demand a Twinkle Tush level of catt butting.
This was discussed and rejected due to cost.
Listen. You just tell me how much more I gotta contribute, I’ll make it happen.
And I’m talking cash only. No “favors” or working it out in trade. Or – doG forbid- WartyBits.
Holy fuck, I think the one winked at me prior to the twinkle. Anyone else see that?
Whoa! I contributed during the last round of begging. Can I get the fart-filled soundtrack?
SEE!?
Totes!
I’d be totes down for that. Could it be someone farting out “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” please?
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
Album version.
16 (about) minutes of pure psychedelic-fart bliss!
The Hat is too strung out to do anything…but I fear The Hair.
Plus hair can get stuck in the back of your throat. /or so I’ve heard
And in between your teeth. /or so I’ve heard
Have you tried turning it off and back on again?
+1 Phone Tech Support.
Having worked phone tech support in an earlier part of my life, it really does fix like 90% of computer problems.
Sir, is the power cord plugged in?
When I was a radar tech, we had a guy in our shop who was a nice guy, and actually a pretty smart guy overall….but sometimes he was just oblivious to obvious things. He was troubleshooting one of the displays all day long once. Pulled the whole thing apart, including wiring that we almost never even touched. Put it back together, flip the switch, and nothing. Did this over and over again. He was at his wit’s end by the end of the day when a friend of mine watched him for a bit, thought for a minute, and asked him if he had ever turned the circuit breaker back on.
Poor Reichenbach. Our gunny used to make him wear a sign around his neck sometimes with his name, address, phone number, and squadron on it because “goddamned, Reichenbach, how do you manage to find your way back to the barracks after work?”
“Did you reboot it first”?
“No, putting it in sleep mode is not the same thing.”
“Hold the power button for 8 seconds…yes I know that’s oddly specific”
“No, sir. Turning off the monitor is not restarting it.”
Indeed. Same experience, same “learnings.” Hell, it even works with my Canon 5D MkIII.
I think my favorite was calling about a laptop and being told to power it down, take the battery out, put one finger on the metal rim of a USB slot and then press the power button, reassemble the whole thing and turn it back on.
I had already powered it down and taken out the battery and thought the tech service lady was fucking with me and told her so. I did it anyway and the thing sprang back to life.
That’s . . . a new one for me, I have to admit . . .
I was embarrassed to do it. Even in my office with the door closed because it sounded so ridiculous.
Actually, that makes sense if you had a very particular failure mode. Might have been latch up and somehow carrying a charge on the ground. Assuming they had multiple grounds on the board might make it more likely. The metal rim of the USB receptacle is typically tied to the ground, so you’d be closing the circuit and draining that charge to earth through your body which, if nothing was damaged, should make it all gravy.
You mean with a cloth?
Three engineers are riding in a car…
I’ve heard it slightly differently. The brakes fail going down a hill and they crash into a guardrail. mech says brake pads electrical says abs system. programmer says “Lets push it back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
Yeah I’ve heard a few variants of it that I’ve liked better, but this was the first one that came up and…lazy.
really it should be “turn off/get out for 30 seconds and see if that fixes it” for the complete tech service experience.
I was always partial to:
I’ve seen the engineer part subbed out for a large number of other roles.
Also a classic.
I have heard a joke like that that is one of my all time favorites.
A shepherd in Scotland is tending to his flock when a shiny, expensive looking SUV rolls up next to him. Inside, a sharply dressed man in a designer suit with an American accent rolls down the window and asks him “Excuse me, sir. If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your flock, would you let me have one?” The man looks him up and down and says “alright, lad, you’ve got a deal.” The man steps out of the vehicle, opens up a laptop and a fancy transmitter onto the hood of the car, connects to a surveying satellite orbiting overhead, and downloads a thermal map of the surrounding area. He then feeds that map into a visual data recognition package, which distinguishes between the dots that are sheeps and the dots that are other things on the map. Finally a beautiful presentation ready chart package pops up on the screen showing the sizes and locations of all the sheep on the map. The man looks at the shepherd and says “Looks like you have 119 sheep in your flock.” The man nods and says “Aye, lad. You’ve held yer end, go pick out one fer yerself.” The man walks out, selects an animal, and begins to head back to the car. Just as he is about to leave, the Scotsman says “Jes a moment, laddie. If I can guess yer job, will you give me my animal back?” The man thinks for a moment and agrees. “Ye mus be a consultant.” Shocked, the man admits that he is a consultant and asks the shepherd how he knew. “It’s obvious. Ye come up here unannounced, give me an answer ah already knew, to a question ah never asked. You don’t know a goddamn thing about me business, and ye expect to git paid fer it. Now give me back me sheepdog!”
That latitude and longitude would be way out over the Atlantic.
Sigh. Ted, do you work with me?
You know who else put aircraft over the Atlantic Ocean?
They… call… me… MISTER… Clavin!
Charles Lindbergh?
And? Seems to me neither is terribly helpful.
What we need is a middle-man!
Someone with people skills? To deal with the customers so the engineers don’t have to?
Someone with people skills? To deal with the
customersengineers so theengineerscustomers don’t have to?FIFY
The other joke I’ve heard: Three professors are staying at a hotel for a conference, a math professor, an engineering professor, and a physics professor. The hotel catches fire in the night. The Physicist wakes up first, sees the fire, runs to his desk and begins furiously calculating. Then he grabs the graduated cylinder off his desk, fills it with precisely the right amount of water, and puts out the fire in his room without a drop wasted. Then he goes back to sleep. The engineer wakes up next, sees the room engulfed in flames, runs to the bathroom, breaks open all the pipes and floods his room, dousing the flames. Then he goes back to sleep. The mathematician wakes up last, sees the flames, runs to his desk and begins furiously calculating. After some time he stands up, holds the paper up and yells “Aha! I’ve done it! I have proven I can extinguish this fire!” Then he goes back to sleep.
The mathematician picks up the flame-thrower and sets fire to the house, thereby reducing the situation to a problem already solved.
How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: 1, it only takes 1 engineer to screw up anything.
So serious question SF: When you started writing these, did you take Trump seriously as a candidate? I mean did you actually think he had a chance or was this more like stories from the court jester type stuff?
Nope. I never thought he had a chance at all. I mean, I saw that he could win as it got closer the election, of course. But in August of 2015, when I wrote the first piece, I thought he’d wash out before New Hampshire.
He was such an easy target, so it was a good fit for my “work.” And like everything I do, I just thought it would be funny if his hat and hair were arguing and it went from there…
I didn’t think he had a chance in hell, until I found out my apolitical 17 year old daughter was following him on Twitter because she thought his tweets were funny.
Early on, I thought it was a stunt. Not sure exactly when I thought he’d win the nom, but it was probably after the first or second debate when none of the other candidates looked like they could beat him.
I think after the conventions I always had him at 40 – 60% chance of winning. Right before election, I think I had it at “coin-toss”, but my memory could be tricking me. Hillary was always a terrible candidate, and her finishing push was weak sauce.
I will always remember, with great fondness, tracking the NYT chart showing likelihood of winning. When the lines crossed showing Trump would win . . . great stuff. I didn’t even think to tune in the news to watch them melt down.
Don’t discount Hill taking the spill at the 9/11 ceremony as a harbinger of her doom.
I saw that and realized I could never pull the trigger for someone in that shape. (Not that I was planning to vote Hillary)
Hey, man, you don’t talk to SugarFree. You listen to him. The man’s enlarged my mind. He’s a poet warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he’ll… uh… well, you’ll say “hello” to him, right? And he’ll just walk right by you. He won’t even notice you. And suddenly he’ll grab you, and he’ll throw you in a corner, and he’ll say, “Do you know that ‘if’ is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you”… I mean I’m… no, I can’t… I’m a little man, I’m a little man, he’s… he’s a great man! I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas…
You’re an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
I watched a snail crawl across the edge of a razor blade… The horror… The horror…
I watched C-beams glitter–oh, wrong movie.
One of my favorite lines, Sug. From any movie. I’ve actually worked a variation of it into a negotiation or two. Its an excellent way to show contempt/establish dominance.
My god… It turns out I’m decent at my job. Or was, rather. [shudders] Glad that’s over.
You and me, were the same. Hopefully bosses don’t expect this level of productivity out of me everyday.
I hope you didn’t get laid off.
Update on the Unholy Alliance: Linda Sarsour mixes beautiful displays of intersectionality with calls for a Trump “jihad”.
I’ll post a timeline of derp for the folks who can’t sit through 22 minutes of insanity. It’ll take a while.
Apropos of nothing else here, a timely piece of advice: Never cut your own hair late at night.
Never cut your own hair
late at night.Unless I’m just shaving it down, it’s worth the money/interaction time.
. . . it’s worth the money/interaction time.
Unless you can’t find a decent barber/hairstylist.
In which case, “late at night” and “flushing thirty bucks down a toilet on a crap haircut” are essentially equivalent in terms of outcome. At least I’ve still got my thirty bucks.
OK, that makes sense. I go to a lady suggested to me by the women at work. She’s funny and some of the client base is cute. I think I’m one of the very few straight men that ever set foot in the place and I tell loud, dirty stories and pretty much everyone loves me there. It’s very fun.
I tell loud, dirty stories
Good. Fucking. GOD!
Not those stories, mostly like bad first dates and sexual misadventures.
How was I supposed to know plastic surgeons were *that* good now?
Oh, so more like the original source material for those stories.
Exactly, RCD. I know it’s hard to tell sometimes, but when I’m talking about myself, the truth is always better than some story.
For example, this is a 100% true story…
https://glibertarians.com/2017/03/weird-wednesday-the-anatomy-lesson/
I envy you. Back in Calgary I had a sexy-as-Hell blonde MILFy female barber named Galyna (I shit you not) who learned her craft in Ukraine. Inexpensive, accurate, fast, and very easy on the eyes. Plus her accent was awesome! “You stupid, stupid dahlink!” kind of awesome.
Come to think of it, there were an unusual number of sexy-as-Hell Ukrainian blondes all over Calgary. ???
I think I’m one of the very few straight men that ever set foot in the place and I tell loud, dirty stories and pretty much everyone loves me there. It’s very fun.
I have a similar situation. The only downside is that she won’t let me have the haircut I really want.
You play hockey like that? You can have any haircut you want.
it’s worth the money/interaction time
Sug goes to a barber that really fucks up his hair , but makes up for it with a Handy J.
“Trim with release.”
Haha. So having two barber poles in front of one’s establishment in South Korea marks your shop as an anma which is a spa/massage parlor that does haircuts and happy middle massages. One wouldn’t want to be lying on a pesky erection for one’s backrub.
A friend of a friend made a joke that he couldn’t pass a barber shop without getting a massive erection after he moved back to the states.
Haha! Can’t stop giggling. And as per usual in these situations there’s no way in hell I could explain why to my office mate. I need to get rid of him…
Sounds like a civilized country.
money well spent
1/4″ guide all over and we’re done.
I’m going for the I just got a haircut look, not the I just joined the U.S. Marines look. 😉
I have little hair on top, I don’t end up with the Marine look.
I have the “married dad of three who doesn’t care about that stuff” look.
Pretty much what I do. I’m mostly bald, so I keep what’s left buzzed down. Also doubles for my beard trimmer. Because I’m so frikkin fashionable, though, I actually use two guides to take a little more around the ears and back of the head.
I don’t think I’ve had anyone else cut my hair for at least ten years.
So you go to the same barber as SugarFree?
/From my description
Umm, maybe.
I have cut my own hair for 30 years. I cut it to make me happy. I really couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks.
A man after my own heart. Although I do get fancy and use the #’s 2, 3 and 4
Sometimes, I go “trimmin’ dirty” and just use the bare trimmer head to get those real fine hairs at the base of my neck.
Yeah, I did that once and it went horribly wrong.
Not even with a Flowbee?
I had a whoopsie last month.
Went to Supercuts. Didn’t pick up on the fact that the guy was special needs until the haircut was halfway done. It was pretty bad.
I put on a hat and immediately went to the Supercuts in the next town over.
We’ve got one of those here in the Meadows. It’s always empty. Can’t figure out how it stays open.
There’s an awesome, old-school, men only (gasp!) haircut place near my house that I go to. It rocks. Would never dream of trying to cut my own hair, at all.
I drive way out into the country to get my hair cut by a barber who looks to be about 137 years old for $12. It’s worth the drive.
Antifa Bronies:
https://twitter.com/Lauren_Southern/status/882683149251227649
They used a dollar store knockoff MLP tent!
Sad.
Anyway, I stumbled upon this:
https://twitter.com/BadAnimeTweets
https://twitter.com/BadAnimeTweets/status/868903033589166080
The waifu pillow looks terrified.
The guy doesn’t look happy either.
Maki won’t put out for the likes of him.
(alright, that character’s from my favorite anime. There’s absolutely nothing sexual in the anime. Zero. Zip. Zilch. But people are weiiiird.)
That’s the weird part to you? I would gone with “taking a pillow out to dinner”.
Oh god you have no idea. I’ve seen it. They post “romantic dinner” pictures with the waifu pillow propped up on a chair across the table with a full plate of food in front of them.
That may have scarred me more than the SF megapost.
Also, I got one of the jokes and now I feel like I should be arrested.
“This stuff doesn’t smell like sweaty armpit don’t buy it.”
Yelp for otakus.
Hat and Hair are better than Butch and Sundance.
First Lady of Poland goes to shake Melania Trump’s hand before shaking Donald’s. CNN reporter has an orgasm
As does BBC.
I thought Left lost it when Margaret Thatcher died. When Trump get assassinated, it’ll be their V-E Day.
“YAY!! That son-of-a-bitch is DEAD!! I’m ready for HER!!!….Wait…What?….She’s not going to be president?…..FUCKING PENCE?!?!….martyred predecessor?…what the fuck do you mean, martyred predecessor?….MANDATE?!?!….TWO ADDITIONAL TERMS?!?!…”
“Actually, the bomb that killed Trump also killed Pence and a half dozen other people. President Mattis was sworn in while punching a Taliban to death.”
/Best possible universe
I thought the best possible universe is that DC gets nuked while Rand Paul, Justin Amash and Thomas Massie are out of town, and everyone else is in town.
You know that the people of America will just elect some new morons, Mattis would reign like Caesar.
Genocide some Frenchmen, trigger a bloody civil war, then get shanked while preparing to invade Iran?
And are you honestly suggesting that any of the American political class is capable of killing Mattis?
Duffleblog was way ahead of you
Julius or Fallout New Vegas?
Honestly, New Vegas Legion is up there with Spartacus as one of my favorite portrayals of Roman Republic/Empire.
It brings to life just what kind of murdering, arrogant, two-faced twats they were.
Mattis pulling a Hitler to Trump’s Hindenburg would not be the worst thing to happen
So which of our neighbors are we going to annex first?
Christ on a cracker. They are so far gone that one of their senior editors posts like a twelve year old girl (“squeeee!!”) when a woman shakes another woman’s hand before shaking her husband’s hand.
Now if they don’t give Trump a copy of The Witcher 3 like they did with Obama, that’s an insult.
I think we just found our next hat and hair plot.
Were they trying to overheat the presidential gaming rig?
Barely even abstract, jesse.
No, they were subtly insulting him with the lack of black people in the game.
To be fair, I was complaining about paucity of Slavic influences in the base game (Heart of Stone fixed it but HoS is my favorite video game writing thing ever).
I look forward to Cilizza doubling down on beig wrong.
Cilizza has lost his mind. Trump was busy shaking hubby’s hand, she saw Melania unoccupied, so did what any normal person would do – she greeted Melania. As soon as Trump was done schmoozing her hubby, she greeted him.
THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIOR! Oh, no wonder Cilizza can’t quite grasp it.
Isn’t it generally the custom that when one couple meets another couple, the men greet the men first and the women greet the women first? God knows I’m a socially-backwards cretin, but isn’t that pretty standard?
You shake the man’s hand first to show you don’t have a weapon. And then bare your teeth. Or ‘smile’, as some people call it.
Pretty much, Chip.
The women like to get the Exchange of Ice-Cold Evaluation Once-Overs out of the way, and the men don’t want to get in the middle of that. So the men greet each other while the women (silently) denigrate and dismiss each other.
^This x 1000^
I find it endlessly amusing to walk through a crowd with my wife on my arm and watch the women walking towards us. They all do the same thing. Eyes go up and down me then over to my wife who gets twice as much gaze. The look on their face goes from neutral/half smile to sneer.
Who the hell wouldn’t?
CNN is having a really, really bad week.
I think they’re probably having a normal week. People are just noticing it, is all.
Probably true. I just find it amusing that this is the strategy they’ve decided will totally win people over.
It’s not like they didn’t bring it upon themselves.
CNN poaching him from WaPo was the best move WaPo’s made in years.
So what would your #DCCCStickerIdea be?
I’d make one with a clickable link, myself.
Mine would be “Don’t mulch the link”.
“Drain the swamp of bad links!”
something really *WOKE* because social signaling. maybe just the word “woke”.
I fucking hate all of you. Every last single motherfucking one of you.
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Sexting has never gone that well for me.
I’ll have what she’s having!
“Certainly sir. One fake orgasm, coming up.”
One of the best responses to Cilizza’s tweet:
“@CNN even fakes orgasms. #FakeNews”
What I did there? I don’t think you sees it.
Waiting For MY GODOH?
D’OH MY GOD?
Car chase?
Cillizza’s tweet.
^^^
CNN dude is acting like a tween who just met Zayn.
@CillizzaCNN
Let me say for the billionth time: Reporters don’t root for a side. Period.
Translated from weasel: “We root for THE side.”
What side to pick? We’re fighting evil bigots!!!
BREAKING: CNN reporter admits to lying one billion times
Woah… 4th wall.