Before the abject pussification of the world through animal welfare regulation, there was a time when a man could bring his wife and children out on the town for an exciting evening of the finest blood sport. Perhaps as ritualistic payback for the all the millenia Homo sapiens sapiens and to spend huddling in caves, naked and afraid, hiding from roaming beasts,  from at least the time of the Roman venatio, for much of human history, entertainment meant seeing some animal get crushed or disemboweled, because fuck animals. This article recounts four such bad-ass entertainments, now lost to us, that could return in a more (g)libertarian world.

Cock Throwing

“Cock Throwing” is currently just what jesse.in.mb calls “Tuesday”; however, cock throwing was once also a popular British pastime until the early 19th century. The game was brilliant in its simplicity: a rooster is tied to a pole and then people throw sticks at it until it dies. A variation of cock throwing was basically “hit the piñata,” but with a live chicken instead of papier-mâché and blood and viscera instead of candy. Regardless of this, according to historians cock throwing was quite popular with children. Cock throwing was also a hallowed ritual associated with Shrove Tuesday, because Jesus Christ demands the blood of chickens offered in sacrifice.

Goose Pulling

While originating in Spain, until about 150 years ago, goose pulling was the favorite sport of the Dixie. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson most likely participated in goose pulling. Indeed, contemporary reports detail that a goose pulling was one of the few social events in which the entire spectrum of society, from slave to plantation aristocracy, could be found participating together.

“A Gander-Pull” by Fredric Remington (1894)

So, just what is goose pulling? As further evidence that Christianity is actually a demonic cult focused on blood sacrifice and cannibalism, as part of Easter celebrations, a live goose with its neck greased was tied to a pole so that it hung head-first over a road. Competitors on horseback rode through the road at full gallop while attempting to pull the head off the goose’s body. Sometimes, obstacles would be placed on the path. According to one account, riders had to ride through a gauntlet of whips on their way to the pole. Spectators would bet on the proceedings and drinking copious amounts of whisky was expected.

In the United States, goose pulling would fade into obscurity after the Civil War. Thanks, Lincoln!

Fuchsprellen

A pic from the last Glibertarians meet-up

As evidenced by their pornography, the Germans are fucking lunatics. As it turns out, such lunacy has a long and storied tradition. Fuchsprellen, or fox tossing, was a popular sport among the aristocracy of Europe during the 17th and 18th centuries. Fox tossing involved using a giant slingshot to launch foxes and other animals into the air. Whoever tossed the animal the furthest won. Of course, you can imagine it wouldn’t be easy to keep a snarling, scratching and biting fox in place for long so that you could send it flying to its doom. Despite that, expert fox tossers could launch an animal 24 feet into the air. According to Wikipedia’s article on the sport, “Augustus II the Strong, the King of Poland and Elector of Saxony, held a famous tossing contest in Dresden at which 647 foxes, 533 hares, 34 badgers and 21 wildcats were tossed and killed. Augustus himself participated, reportedly demonstrating his strength by holding the end of his sling by just one finger, with two of the strongest men in his court on the other end.” Whereas goose pulling was seen as a test of one’s manliness, fox tossing was considered a fun party game where couples paired off to compete with one another.

As if death by slingshot wasn’t indignity enough, sometimes the animals would be decorated with “bits of cardboard, gaudy cloth and tinsel” as part of a masquerade.

Good ol’ boys and their punkin’ chunkin’ ain’t nothing but pussies.

Human-Baiting

If goose pulling was the national sport of Dixie, then baiting was the sport of Victorian Britain. Baiting involves pitting a pack of dogs against a chained animal in a fight to the death while spectators bet on the outcome. Pretty much every combination could be found, bear-baiting, bull-baiting, duck-baiting, etc.. And since we’ve all wondered who would win in a fight, 10 toddlers or 1 pit bull, it wasn’t long before someone had the idea to pit a human versus a dog to find out. In 1807, The Sporting Times reported on one such human-baiting match:

A fight between a man and Bull Dog took place some time ago to settle a bet. With its first charge the Bull Dog already succeeded in throwing and pinning its opponent. Although the dog’s jaws were nearly closed by a muzzle, it succeeded in sinking its teeth into the man’s body. Had the dog not been pulled away immediately, it would have disemboweled the man.

If this depiction is to scale, the outcome is understandable:

Not content to let the collective honor of our species be forever sullied, other human vs. dog deathmatches were organized. In 1874, a dwarf who went by the name of Brummy, agreed to fight a bulldog named Physic on account of a bet to prove Brummy’s claim that “no dog could lick a man.” The fight went 11 rounds, in which Brummy suffered several deep bite wounds to his arms, and the dog received so many blows to the head that it lost 2 of its teeth and one eye was swollen shut. Brummy won by knockout.

Another account of human-baiting comes from 1892, where a man by the name of James Oxley went 22 minutes against a dog named Crib. As one of the many previous lives of Mike Tyson, in this incarnation, Crib won the match by jumping over Oxley’s left shoulder, clamping on to his right ear, and slamming him to the ground. Oxley forced the dog to release his grip through a choke-hold, but at the cost of the upper part of his ear.