Well, here we are. Another week down. The news is getting hot, might as well start us off with something from the other side of the pacific this time.
#1 
Meanwhile, in Venezuela.
#2 
A picture I took in Taos. They wouldn’t let you go inside. Irony?
#3 
#1
“14.5mm. 23mm. 57mm.”
A riff,
1# 40 mm
2# 9 mm
3# 35 mm
#1 The Swiss Paradox: *Applause followed by a Narrow Gaze*
*narrows gaze, then applauds*
#1 “Kimchee fart?! I’ll have to have these three killed later.”
#2 “Is there food at the jail?”
#3 A lesson ne’er taken to heart
Meme form.
VERY nice!
*applauds Nork style*
Wildly, but with a pensive look?
Quite so.
Kinda not fair… they ALWAYS have a narrow gaze.
*runs*
BOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
#1 “I want a hat, why don’t I get a hat?”
“Oh man, I hope it’s chocolate pudding day today!”
“Nah, the one on the left looks too chewy.”
“Why won’t he call me back?”
1) “The first one of these schlubs to stop clapping gets to test pilot the next rocket”
2) “No, no, this is the food riot, the anti-communist riot is three vlocks that way”
3) “This is why we can’t have unlicenced librarians!”
three vlocks
Is that a vertical block?
Venezuelan Block, clearly.
I thought was some Aspy slang for chastity belt.
Or an antifa weapon? “violent lock”
#3 “Women and minorities hardest hit”
“Is this what Mitt Romney meant by ‘Binders full of women’?”
*studio audience applause*
EPA Mission Statement
“You want us to ‘read the bill’, do you?”
#1
“I see some of you aren’t holding your hands at the correct height.”
1) “Applause training is hard, how do these guys do it?”
2) “I’m letting you go with a warning – next time, don’t take fashion advice from early 90’s boy bands”
3) “The new printing robots were too efficient – by the time anyone realized the ruler wasn’t set to pica, it was too late”
#2 “Ididdineatnuffin”
#1) I don’t think these guys are squinting hard enough. Definitely traitors.
#2) What? No I want a nice glass of shut the fuck up!
got nothing for 3.
Dammit I meant to say I *don’t* wan’t a nice glass of shut the fuck up. Whichever is funnier, read it that way.
If you’re hungry enough, you might go for a glass of shut the fuck up.
Works as a caption for #1.
*begins to narrow gaze….shrugs and wanders off*
1. _I_ set the pace. Fuck that. Executioners!
2. ¿Perros? ¡No tenemos perros! Necesitamos comida más ahora.
3. Do you even lift, Atlas?
1) “I don’t see Dennis here. I thought Dennis was going to be here for this.”
2) “I don’t care how funny it is, don’t superglue your friend’s hands together.”
3) “The newest regulation on large print books proved to be a bit overwhelming.”
#3 That feeling when you’re in a comment thread with Ken.
😉 Ken.
Or a Derpetologist link storm?
3) The Fusionist’s complete bibliography of citations.
1) “I know I threatened these guys to be out here, but now I want to go back in.”
2) “How are you not sweating in that?”
#1 This photograph is thought to capture the moment that Kim Jong Un began to suspect that General Hyung was committing ration card fraud.
#2 A Venezuelan police office faces off with desperate citizens pleading for him to give them his body armor, which they can sell to smugglers for a week’s worth of food to smugglers who will smuggle them into the U.S. American criminals prize Venezualan body armor for its ability to neutralize hand-guns used for self defense while keeping the wearer cool in hot temperatures. The FBI has reported that a complete set of Venezuelan body armor has a street value of $20,000 on the streets of Washington DC.
#3 This poster, which used to hang on the wall of Ayn Rand’s office, sold for $30,000 at auction in Sotheby’s. It is widely rumored that Ayn Rand would spend hours staring at that poster and that she used it for inspiration when preparing to write love scenes into her novels and described it as a signature example of rational eroticism.
That lady on the bottom seems to be very into that book.
I try to keep my bindings dry.
What, no “harrumph” reference, yet?
#1 “I didn’t get a harrumph outta that guy!”
+1 phony baloney job
#2 C’mon guys. We promise to get socialism right next time.
#2 “Dude, seriously, we’re with the band. Check the list again.”
1) “These are the guys plotting to take over – they can’t even clap right”
2) “What do you mean getting pepper-sprayed counts against my spice ration?”
3) “After being forced to switch to renewable energy, the Internet archive had to find creative ways to store data.”
#1 When is this crap going to be over. I have whores to fuck.
#2. Officer: I want 3 tacos. Protester: You do realize, we have no fucking food.
#3. It’s a training manual.
1) “Is that a food truck?”
2) “The bathroom is where!?”
3) “The wreckers and hoarders thought they’d found the perfect hiding spot for the Venezuelan toilet paper haul.”
1# sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
2# State Capitalist business meetings
3# Sadly this resulted only in paperless billing.
#1: “I didn’t get a harumph outta that guy.”
#2: “You have 30 seconds to comply.”
#3: The “sexy boudoir print” on Chuck Schumer’s bedroom wall
You beat me to #1. First thought when I saw that pic.
#1. Are these really the fattest Koreans they could find to put next to me?
#2 I keep telling you. I’m not Lou Diamond Phillips!
#3 But the intentions were good, to be sure.
– Robby S.
#2: “I know, I get the Benjamin Bratt thing all the time”
“Oh YEA?! Well YOU have a weird white residue around YOUR eye!!”
“Do you think I should get these fingers checked out?”
#2 What memo? I don’t even work at Google.
1) “Am I the spy?”
2) “What do you mean ‘why was I not clapping’? Where do you think this is, North Korea?”
3) “December is Logorrea awareness month. Don’t fall prey to verbosity.”
#1 – “?If you’re Juche and you know it, clap your hands?”
#2 – “I was told this was going to be shirts/skins?”
#3 – Art Critic: “Clearly triggering on multiple levels”
Alt #2 = “I keep telling you, this isn’t Real Socialism!”
Dammit!
Dammit! Wait, I beat you both.
Predictable joke is predictable?
#1 Unciv loosening up.
Needz moar Imodium?
*applauds #1*
Get your thumb off the scale. I’m writing these jokes for Doom, not you; otherwise all my jokes would be fondue themed.
Hey, I’m not judging…this.
I’m sure that stack of “get out of cat-butt cards” on Doom’s desk is a no strings attached present.
*looks innocent*
Doom? I’m writing mine for myself.
Might explain why no one’s laughing.
Ha-ha! Now that was funny!
#1 These skinny fuckers are making me look bad! Imma gonna have to kill them.
#2 Yo solo quiero una maldita arepa, I me estas diciendo que me vas a pegar? Tengo hambre bro!
#3 All within the state, nothing outside the state, nothing against the state!
OT: Understatement Award of the Day
“Guglielmi said police believe there might have been some tension in Lathem and Cornell-Duranleau’s relationship.“
1) “Are they waiting for me to stop?”
2) “I keep telling you, I don’t speak spanish.”
3) “The Revised Paperwork Reduction Act at work.”
#2 “Can I borrow That? I ran out of toilet paper two weeks ago.”
1) “Watchu talkin’ bout, Wirris?
2) “It’s okay, this isn’t real socialism!”
2) “If only comrade Maduro knew, he would put a stop to this!”
3) “Hey, it’s either this or anarchy!”
#1 “Who farted?”
#2 “I’m just saying that at this point I’d even emigrate to Cuba”
#3 “A graphic illustration of the Democratic Party platform”
Winner.
3) “Thank God congress is no longer gridlocked!”
1. Squirrel!
2. Dude, where are your fingertips?
3. Might, might, wouldn’t, would
#1: “We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the same tradition as our ancestors. The Great Successor is a magnificent leader. He has our gratitude. Let’s all give the Great Successor a great big gut!”
#1 Your Out of Time!!
1) “Hey, I think I had all of these guys shot already.”
2) “The current conversion rate is three slices of bread for ten squares of toilet paper”
3) “The revised rule was praised for being leaner than its predcessor.”
1) “Hey, I think I had all of these guys shot already.” “Fuck it, they all look alike.”
1# These three wore the same outfit. They must be mortified.
2# We’ve got money for spaceball outfits, but no money for food?!?
3# bottom guy to middle guy: you need to squat moar, bro.
1) “Let us turn the whole country into a socialist fairyland by the joint operation of the army and people!”
Ah, an old classic!
Yeah, I figured this was an opportunity to trot it out.
1)”I bet you’re the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I’ll be watching you.”
#1 Shit, I saw what Trump did to the last person to wear a pant suit like this.
lol
3) “NO! It was supposed to say ‘Super-Fluent Law Offices!’ in both languages.”
2) “What do you mean the water park’s closed? Can’t you break out the fire hoses then?”
1) “Aww, I wanted a real country for my birthday.”
#1 Clap harder, bitches
#2 Hey Diego, I read in the Washington Post that Trump is wrecking the Grand Bolivarian Revolution. What do you think?
#3 ignorantia legis neminem excusat – This advisory message brought to you by your local district attorney.
1. The diversity program for generals is not working. I should send a memo about it
2. Spare some change mister? Regime change that is
3. Legaliza acid
3) “The congress-shaped woochippers were neat, but about as useful as the instituion they resembled”
2) “Dude – we asked you to bring three girls, not some guys named ‘Trey’.”
1) “I knew it! Those guys in back are just faking it.”
#1 “Laugh it up, assholes. I’m getting MAGA Prime!”
#2 “For the last time, I have no idea where Thicc Thursday is!”
#3 “I thought threesomes were supposed to be fun!”
#1 I didn’t get a “Huzzah” out of him. Get me the 20mm cannon.
#2 No you can’t have it. It’s my last ass wiping shirt.
#3 Two girls, one dump.
1. Did I remember to lock the door when I left the silo? Oh well I’ll just blame it on these three.
2. I’m praying to God you did not just say LeBron is better than Jordan. Two words: flu game, boom this discussion is over.
3. I wanted a giant Kindle but no you had to have books, because they feel better in your hands.
1. Every single one of these guys looks more dictator-y than me. I knew the Mao pantsuit was out of style.
2. No, I swear, this is a shirt, not my toilet paper ration!
3. The recent advertising push to get teenagers to read had…bizarre consequences.
1. Is dat Ree? Why is Ree crapping? I tot I sent Ree to da Rabor Camp.
#2: I come in peace, I did not bring bags of shit. I am begging you with tears in my eyes, please do not fuck with me or I will be forced to kill you all
#2: I come in peace, I did not bring bags of shit. I am begging you with tears in my eyes, please do not fuck with me or I will be forced to
killenfece you allFixed?
STOP MESSING WITH THE CONTEST!
I was going to try to work lampposts in there, but I gave up.
2. In the Venezuelan justice system, bread line skipping offenses are considered especially heinous. In Caracas the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the No Skipsies Unit, these are their stories.
#1 Note to self: Execute General #3 for clapping out of cadence
1) He won’t be smirking when I send him to oversee the launch site.
2) Wait, you said meet at the lightposts to hang that hijo de puta Maduro. You didn’t say we needed to bring rope! We traded it all for toilet paper!
3) Words are literally violence. Shaking!
#1 — “Is my fucking half-brother really trying to pick up that chick during my “Kim rules!” ceremony? Looks like Christmas just got a little cheaper this year.”
#1 Is that Araska acloss the way?
#2 No, you can’t have my Che shirt!
#3 …shouldn’t have worn that dress.
Confirmed: thousand island dressing is an acceptable substitute for mayonnaise in chicken salad.
you americans use the word salad wrong. Salad is mostly leaves with lemon and olive oil
Chicken salad is immediately superior to regular salad because it does not contain said leaves.
I am with Pie on this one.
Although olives themselves are a necessary if not sufficient requirement for a salad.
The presense of olives disqualifies something from being a “Salad” or even “food”
Get the fuck outta here. Olives are delicious!
No, they are not. they are little hate-mines that foul anything they’re littered in.
Yer crazy.
^^This. Olives are Satan’s little non-fruit fruits.
Buddy, you don’t even know.
and i haven’t even gotten to the “jailhouse” use of the term.
Let Chris Rock help you out.
Would you like some salad?
#3 Here children we see an example of Caucasoid-Neanderthal propaganda.
#HomoErectusMasterRace
#1: “I just noticed those hats look like butts. Are these assholes mooning me!?”
1) The sound of one hive mind clapping
2) The Fashion Police in Venezuela take it very seriously when douches try buy a t-shirt at the merch table and wear it during the show.
3) This is what it looks like when you try to read Atlas Shrugged in Spanish
The North Korean internet’s version of Glibertarians.com will give you a hat-butt for an offensive post.
Just kidding, you’ll be executed.
Obviously I was replying to Mad Scientist. Did I just GILMORE that reply?
The intro to this week’s LWC was the best thing they’ve ever done.
#3) Lady at bottom: “Get..this..shit..OFF of me!”
https://livingnewdeal.org/projects/old-taos-county-courthouse-lockwood-murals-taos-nm/
Well, that’s ironic.
We’d have more murals like this if Trump hadn’t cut arts funding!
That’s the place.
#1: [thought bubble over Kim’s head] “Would, would, wouldn’t.”
#2: Can I pay the fine in leggy supermodels instead?
#3: Ayn Rand tries her hand at painting
2) “C’mon, play Get Lucky for us. Please?”
#1 Where’s my homie Dennis to watch my back?
#2 Sir, please tell him soccer is not a gay sport.
#3 The books have been thrown.
#1: Generals-“Here is the church. Here is the steeple. Open the doors and see all the people.”
Kim Jong Un-“I’M the church, steeple and people! You motherfuckers best not get it twisted.”
1) They’ve got the clap.
2) Are you sure this is Venezuela? I thought it was Uruguay.
3) Look at that chick under the book.
Must I do everything?
#1 “SO RONERY!”
or
“Where the fuck is my UnberEats?”
My submission for #1
1. Keep it up boys, I’m not looking to get purged.
2. Hey man, you looking to buy some weed. I’m holding.
3. Advice ignored since the invention of laws.
#0 (i.e., the pic on the front page): Oops, maybe we shouldn’t have fired that missile at Hawaii. Now we’re all going to die!
I had that caption in mind even before clicking through, and was disappointed that wasn’t one of the pics. (If you’re wondering why they are smiling, after all, they are crazy.)
Submission for #2
1) Kim: Small hands? I don’t have small hands!!
#1 Damnit, I knew I should have shown up for Happy Hands Club practice at least once. I guess I’ll have to have the group liquidated.
2) Trooper: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
Submission for #3
3) “Come on, woman!”
The woman knelt among the books, touching the drenched leather and cardboard, reading the porn titles with her fingers while her eyes accused SugarFree.
“You can’t ever have my books,” she said.
#2 Look, either you wear the Tron costume like the rest of the group or you can’t come to the party with us.
1) Cake. Where is the damn cake? I like cake. He is a dead man.
2) Somebody’s police force watched Robocop one too many times.
3) We need to institute a department to evaluate if we have enough superfluous laws and recommend any missed opportunities for law making.
/Taos city council
#1) I bet Mao didn’t have to deal with idiots like these.
#2) Look. I swear to you; I am not Poppy!
#3) Titled in English and Latin, but not Spanish. Racist!