ZAROZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS AGAIN REVIEWED THE ADVICE COLUMN BY THE BRUTAL “DEAR PRUDENCE”. YOU MAY READ THE INADEQUATE ANSWERS SHE GIVE HERE.

ZARDOZ WILL GIVE HIS ADVICE, SO HIS CHOSEN ONES ARE NOT LED ASTRAY!

 

Dear Prudence,
For medical reasons, I cannot drive. Happily, my husband enjoys driving and can be counted on to get us where we need to go. I’m very fortunate; he never complains, and he’s a very skilled driver. Unfortunately, he’s not a safe driver. He always pushes the speed limit, frequently at dangerously high speeds of over 100 mph. He perceives other drivers as threats and aggressively weaves through traffic to outmaneuver them. He’s been involved in no shortage of road-rage close calls as a result, even with me in the car screaming at him, begging him, pleading with him to slow down.

More than once, I’ve genuinely feared for my life and called 911, but I hung up when he slowed down. This is the only way his anger manifests, but when it does, it is truly terrifying. He’s put my life, and the lives of other people on the road, at risk of death more times than I can count. We’ve fought so many times over this. I’ve brought it up while he’s driving, while he’s not driving, while we’re having dinner, in “we need to talk”–style conversations. I’ve cried. He’s made half-hearted promises to change but never followed through.

I love him. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with who otherwise completely “gets” me. He’s supportive of me in all my endeavors. Our physical chemistry is great. I don’t want to leave him. But I also don’t have the option of taking over the driver’s seat, and I don’t want to die in a fiery car crash. The fact that he dismisses my fears and tells me I’m overreacting when all of our friends are terrified of his driving just strikes me as a terrible disconnect. How can I make him see that the risks that he takes as a driver are unacceptable, once and for all?

—Terrified Passenger

 

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS TERRIFIED CHOSEN PASSENGER. ZARDOZ IS PLEASED WITH THE BRUTAL HUSBAND’S DRIVING. IF IT THREATENS LIFE OF THE BRUTALS WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH – IT MUST BE PERMITTED…NO, ENCOURAGED.  CEASE YOUR ATTEMPTS TO CALL ENFORCERS. ACCOMPANY YOUR HUSBAND IN HIS AUTO. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

Dear Prudence,
In February I had a manic episode and was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. During my mania I sent a colleague a romantic message (to which he sent a terse reply), followed by a couple of aggressive emails. While I was in the hospital I sent him messages apologizing for my behavior, and after I’d been out for a month, I sent him a letter. I haven’t heard from him at all.

I am torn because I don’t know how he feels. What can I do to forgive myself for my mania if he has no interest in forgiving me?

—Letting Go of Bipolar Behavior

 

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO HIS CHOSEN BI-POLAR ONE. WERE YOU NOT RAISED UP FROM BRUTALITY TO KILL BRUTALS, WHO MULTIPLY AND ARE LEGION? YOU MUST EMBRACE YOUR MANIA – AND MANIFEST IT IN VIOLENCE AGAINST YOUR FELLOW BRUTALS. YOU MUST FIND THE BRUTAL REJECTOR OF YOUR ADVANCE AND KILL! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

Dear Prudence,
My husband is in the process of coming out as trans. This means that I, a heretofore assumed straight male, am also coming out as bisexual. I’m so happy that this is something that my partner and I can experience together. But I am dreading coming out to my image-obsessed mother. My mom is a truth-suppression machine. As a teenager, she compelled me to live with the secret of my father’s arrest for sex crimes. When I was in college, I made the mistake of being honest with her about my atheism, which led to her attempt to manipulate and even intimidate me into hiding this as well. Truth be told, she succeeded in part. Although I told a few friends and family members, against her wishes, it was almost two years before I went public. She felt free to tell anyone she felt like talking to. But I was supposed to take these “shameful” secrets to my grave.

My mother’s family is hostile to the LGBT community, and I have little doubt that her reaction to the dual revelations that her daughter-in-law is actually her son-in-law, and yes, her son is equally happy being married to another man, will be to try to sweep everything under the rug. Our relationship is barely starting to mend as things are. I won’t be able forgive her for this again, especially since she hasn’t asked for forgiveness for the last two times she did this to me, although I told her very clearly how I had been hurt. I am desperate for any way to forestall her knee-jerk reaction, but I can’t not tell my family forever. What should I do?

—Happy With Him, Not Sure About Her

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO HIS NOT SURE CHOSEN ONE. ZARDOZ WILL STRETCH THE BOUNDARIES OF HIS ARTHUR FRAYN PROVIDED INTELLIGENCE AND ASSUME THIS IS “REAL”. ZARDOZ HAS CONSULTED THE ETERNALS IN THE VORTEX AND THE ETERNAL MAY ADVISES:

“For the sake of science, I will keep this knowledge from the others, for the time being. But you must follow me, obey me, be circumspect, make no disruption, quietly do whatever work is given you. I will watch over you.”

YOU MUST FOLLOW THIS COMMAND. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

Dear Prudence,
I recently got new health insurance (a bare-bones HMO plan). I want to get the birth control arm implant, but none of the doctors in my network offer this procedure, nor will my insurance authorize me to go elsewhere to get it done. I can get the pill or an IUD for free under my insurance, but I’ve had a lot of problems with IUDs before and hate taking a pill every day and making frequent visits to the pharmacy. I want something long-term that I can “set and forget.” I could pay out of pocket for the implant at a Planned Parenthood, but it would cost $800. I could dip into my savings to make it work, but it would hurt. My long-term boyfriend makes more than twice what I do, and I know if I asked him outright to help pay for half, he’d oblige, but I don’t know if that’s a reasonable request. I know not having a baby is worth well over $400 to him, but since I could technically afford it, it feels like mooching. Should I suck it up and pay for it myself or ask him to chip in?

—Babies Ain’t Cheap, Either

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO HIS CHEAP, CHOSEN ONE. HAS ZADOZ NOT REPEATEDLY ADVISED YOU, THE PENIS IS EVIL?! THE PENIS SHOOTS SEEDS, AND MAKES NEW LIFE TO POISON THE EARTH WITH A PLAGUE OF MEN, AS ONCE IT WAS. IF YOUR “LONG-TERM BOYFRIEND” BRUTAL WILL NOT PAY TO PREVENT THE MAKING OF NEW LIFE, THEN USE THE GIFT OF THE GUN. FOR THE GUN SHOOTS DEATH AND PURIFIES THE EARTH OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. GO FORTH AND GET THE SHOT, OR KILL. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.