Pulling away from Andrews Air Force Base, Donald pawed at the intercom switch blindly.
“What do you want, Donald?” the hair murmured.
“Why didn’t we take the helicopter?” the hat asked.
“He wanted to drive home,” the hair replied.
“Where’s the fucking intercom?” Donald asked and farted irritably.
“Forward a bit,” the hair told him. “No, too far, back a bit.”
“I never want to go to Florida again,” the hat said mournfully.
Donald jammed the intercom button down and rumbled “I’m hungry,” to the front of the car.
“Donald,” the hair said, “There’ll be food at the party and we are late as it is.”
“I’m hungry, Argyle” he said again, pressing the intercom button so hard that his finger turned white.
“Yassuh, Mistah Prezident! Yassuh, right away!” the driver said cheerily. He could be heard informing the police escort of the change in route before Donald let go of the intercom.
“We don’t have time for this,” the hair said.
“Donald gets what Donald wants, combover,” the hat snapped.
Donald leaned over slightly as the limo took a left a little too fast and the hair groaned.
“What’s the matter with you?” the hat asked.
“He took too much Viagra last night,” the hair said. “I can feel it soaking into my roots. I think I’m turning blue? Do I look blue to you?”
“No,” the hat said, “Just sort of asshole-colored like always.”
Donald swayed as the motorcade pulled into the parking lot. Hope’s pale face appeared on the monitor. “What would you like, Mr. President?”
“Two Big Donalds, hold the buns, extra secret sauce, like extra extra. Three large fires, extra salt, so much salt. A chocolate shake. A large chocolate shake. Huge. Huge chocolate shake. And make the shake chocolate, Hope. And get yourself anything you want. And Argyle. At least get Argyle an apple pie. Argyle loves their apple pies. So American, apple pie. Get me three apple pies. So tremendous.”
Her maroon lips had compressed into a tight, thin line as he ordered and she seemed to have difficulty prying them apart to speak. “Yes, Mr. President,” she said.
The monitor went dark as the inside of the limo lit up under the bright lights in the parking lot. Donald scratched his Big Mac and sniffed his fingers. He watched the vague shape of Hope in the front seat through the smoked glass partition as she leaned over the driver to shout into the call box.
“Where’s her hand?” the hat asked and laughed. “I think Argyle is getting his holiday bonus.”
“You know his name’s not really ‘Argyle,’ right?” the hair asked.
“Who gives a shit? He makes Donald happy with his Stepin Fetchit act. And with what we pay him, he should just be happy with whatever he feels like calling him.”
Donald sighed contentedly as bag after bag of food was passed back to him and the limo began to fill with the odors of grease, low-grade Argentinian beef, agar-thickened dairy and economic desperation.
“FIGHT FOR 15!” the worker hanging out of the drive-thru window screamed as the limo and D.C. Police escort and Secret Service vehicles pulled away.
“Loser,” the hat sniffed. “Go back in time and get yourself unknocked-up at 15, ya dumb cunt.”
“Let them complain,” the hair retorted. “It’s all they have.”
“Merry fucking Christmas,” Donald said, through a mouthful of half-chewed fries and milkshake.
He was finishing his last burger as they pulled through the gates to the White House and pulled to a halt by the side entrance. Donald got out quickly and the fast food trash in his lap came out with him and fell to the asphalt. Secret Service goons chased after the blowing wrappers and Donald laughed at them until the distinctive buzz of a sniper round cut the night air and buried itself with a dull thud into the wood pillar beside him.
“Do your worst, Feminists!” he yelled, brazenly stopping to brush some of the food waste of off his shirt and tie as Hope and Argyle dove for cover.
“Keep the limo warm for me, Argyle,” he said. I might be going out later.”
“You are not going to Roy’s Christmas party!” the hat told him again. “The optics are terrible.”
“No, they aren’t,” Donald groused as he was herded inside. “He always gets the best looking girls.”
“Emphasis on ‘girls,’ Donald,” the hair told him. “That’s why you aren’t going.”
“Tiffany is bringing some of her friends,” the hair said, hoping to placate the lumbering man.
“She’s weird-looking,” Donald muttered.
“She’s your daughter, Donald,” the hair said.
“Doesn’t keep her from being weird-looking. Ivanka’s not weird-looking. Donny Jr and that other one’s not weird-looking,” Donald argued.
“Yeah, nothing weird-looking about the cast from American Psycho,” the hat muttered down into the tangled mass of the hair.
“Stop it,” the hair hissed back. “If I get to laughing, I’m not going to be able to stop.”
“Bret Easton Ellis is gonna sue them,” the hat replied and the hair rustled with suppressed laughter.
Donald lurched into the White House Christmas party and looked around. The usual hangers-on were about. Melania was shooting hateful glares at anyone who got near her. Ivanka was toting one of her children on a cocked hip, her ruined breasts spilling out of her elegant gown that was already stained with chocolate pudding or maybe blood. Jeff was backed into a corner–frightened, angry, making himself small and trying to be overlooked. Paul and Mitch were doing shots and looking miserable. Sarah had her face down in a trough of hors-d’oeuvre set up to keep her away from the rest of the human food.
Foreign dignitaries milled about in a tight knot out in the middle, with the sullen air of hostages already, and the painfully formal dinner hadn’t even been served yet. The Secret Service and Capitol Police providing security kept an eye on them, barking “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” at them every time one the foreign guests peeled away from the main group to try to go to the bar or the bathroom.
“Who invited all the beaners and ragheads?” the hat asked.
Donald burped loudly and then swallowed with some effort. He backed away down a hall when he saw Melania cutting across the ballroom floor toward him.
“Where have you been?” she hissed, her botox-frozen face attempting to twist in anger.
“Florida,” he said.
“You are late. You should have taken the helicopter.” She pronounced “helicopter” as four seemingly unconnected syllables.
“I’m the President. I can do whatever I fucking want.” Donald burped again and spat a half-digested french fry on the floor.
She glared at the hat and the hair. “Get him upstairs and clean him up. The guests are waiting.”
She turned on her heel and stalked away before the hat could think of a good insult. He just mumbled “whore” under his brim as Donald wandered away.
In the residence, the hair was resting on a mannequin head and the hat was on the table beside him as they watched Hope struggle to get Donald in his tuxedo. She had him down to his boxers, socks, and a stained undershirt and had put the TV on to try and calm him down–an old episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous on VHS that was worn from repeated watching, static on the scenes of a young Donald, the soundtrack warped and warbling.
“I want a Diet Coke,” Donald said distractedly, his eyes fixed on himself gesturing on the screen. Hope kept gingerly removing his hand from his crotch when he tried to masturbate. She tried to wrestle his pallid arms into a tuxedo shirt.
“Where’s my Diet Coke button?” he demanded, as automatic gunfire began downstairs.
Comments
237 responses to “HAT HARD: A Hat and Hair Christmas Special, Pt. 1”
“I’m hungry, Argyle” he said again, pressing the intercom button so hard that his finger turned white.
“Yassuh, Mistah Prezident! Yassuh, right away!” the driver said cheerily. He could be heard informing the police escort of the change in route before Donald let go of the intercom.
A black Scotsman? Interesting.
Makes me think of the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders…which makes me think of pipes and drums….and Almanian.
*sheds a single manly tear*
Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders on parade.
RIP Almanian.
I forgot about the bear.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSbgxcCoOy8
I’m a quarter Scottish, actually.
You’re a quarter everything.
True.
But ALL Heroic!
Hybrid vigor FTW!
2848 Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders was my sponsor reserve unit when I was in army cadets as a lad.
And my mother was born in Airdrie, aye.
*sniffles, remembering his hometown, growing up*
when I think economic depression, I think of the single parent trailor park homes I visited my friends in when I was a kid. Cigarette smoke, cat urine, and depression.
I grew up in one of those trailers for a spell. My mother could never give up the cigarettes or depression.
I missed a chance to comment in a timely manner on your trucking post the other day. Good article. Thanks.
Hey man, we’re all busy and can’t always be here with all of the non-workers Rufus hates so much.
Thanks for the compliment, I plan on contributing further.
Secret Service goons chased after the blowing wrappers and Donald laughed at them until the distinctive buzz of a sniper round cut the night air and buried itself with a dull thud into the wood pillar beside him.
“Do your worst, Feminists!” he yelled, brazenly stopping to brush some of the food waste of off his shirt and tie as Hope and Argyle dove for cover.
I was reminded of the shitty shooting in this video.
“Jeff was backed into a corner–frightened, angry, making himself small and trying to be overlooked.”
As well he should be.
He makes me wish we could put people in the stocks again. I’d spring for a ticket to DC to throw a couple of rotten handfuls of fruit at him, and jeer.
I’d eat 50 bucks worth of taco bell and take a steaming shit right under his face. But hey, you do you.
No man can eat 50 dollars of Taco Bell?! Why you got to go and say fifty dollars for? Why not thirty-five or thirty-nine?
I weigh 250 on a good day. $50 worth of taco bell is two meals max.
What we’ve got here is… failure to communicate. Some men you just can’t reach.
+1 failure to communicate.
+1 failure to refresh.
I really wish I knew what movie you were referencing… I really feel like its one I should already have watched.
It’s not a movie, it’s a Guns’N’Roses song, duh.
You’ve never seen “cool hand Luke”?
Cool Hand Luke starring Paul Newman.
Cool Hand Luke – I think you would like it, V.
An absolute classic. Watch it, V. You’ll thank us.
Koko: God she don’t know what she’s doing.
Luke: Oh boy, she knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s driving us crazy, and loving every minute of it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuuCr2UvOPs
You might as well flop your rotting corpse right on top of it. Oh wait… you said Taco Bell, not Chipotle.
I think 50 bucks of taco bell would kill me.
$5 almost did.. twice…
Needless to say I never went near one ever again.
I’ve still never been.
It’s like White Castle – something you should try, but not do too often.
You’re not missing anything. They split the “2am munchies” market with Jack-in-the-Box.
Just get the chicken or the steak. The spicy ground beef is usually a colon killer.
I like it. I thinks it’s good as far as fast food goes. It just does a number on my gut. SF thinks it’s the ground beef that’s the killer, but I think it’s actually the sauce. My wife brought home taco bell a few years ago and she forgot to get any sauce. I used some of my garden salsa on my burrito that evening and that was the only time I can remember eating taco bell and not having my gut torn up.
Enh, every Taco Bell I see, there’s always a Wendy’s or something similar nearby that I’d rather go to anyway. I’ve heard enough not to take any risks.
Huh. I’ve liberally used the sauce and never had a problem as long as I stuck with the steak. But we are all different.
I will suggest staying away from the Crunch Wraps, though, unless you have an affinity for hot lettuce.
In Kansas I saw a KenTacoHut. It was orgasmic.
I’ve eaten Taco Bell any number of times, and Chipotle several times (my go-to during short layovers at DFW), and never had disasterpants.
I like Chipotle – never any problems with it.
I’ve never seen one with the Hut. But almost every taco bell around where I live is a KFC/TacoBell.
I am highly wary of the KFC/Long John Silvers conjoined twins buildings I have seen.
We interrupt this hat and hair christmas special with a mid morning nut punch:
The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department keeps a secret list of about 300 deputies with histories of dishonesty and similar misconduct that could undermine their credibility when testifying in court. Even prosecutors and many high-ranking sheriff’s officials can’t see this so-called Brady list.
When Sheriff Jim McDonnell attempted to give the list to the Los Angeles County district attorney’s office, the deputies’ union sued him. Lower courts ruled that the list is confidential, and the California Supreme Court has announced it will decide the issue.
So, for the record, they have a list of their dirtiest cops, they know they are dirty, no you can’t see the list, and no we aren’t firing them. Because… (say it with me)
FUCK
YOU
THATS
WHY!
#notallcops
#awholelottacops?
#maybetheresagoodonesomewherebutdamnedificanfindhim
#allbutonecopOKmaybetwo
New Hampshire maintains a list of cops with credibility problems. NH is updating the list, and I’ll wait for you to get your shocked faces on, police chiefs have an extension on the deadline to submit names to the state DOJ.
Police chiefs are probably taking so long because they have yet to find an officer to not put on the list.
I’m surprised they aren’t all pleading the 5th.
Bailiff: “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
Cop: “On advice of counsel, I plead the 5th.”
https://youtu.be/ERm_WNxGs1U
There are so many amendments in the U.S. constitution. If I could only choose one….
One
Two
Three
Four
Fiiiiif!
I’m really surprised no one has leaked that list. Seems too juicy to keep secret.
Anyone with access to the list is on the list.
^^THIS^^
Sed quis cusodiet, ipsos custodiem?
Nocentibus hominem.
We gots a ferner here speakin fern! Isis!
I’m assuming that’s Latin for “mutually assured destruction”.
Who then shall watch the watchers?
The guilty man.
Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo.
For those that don’t know know the reference.
Harsh poetry, man…harsh!
Catullus in asserting that while the poet should be a respectable person, his work should not be constrained or restricted.[8]
Seems like we have the opposite of that now.
Root of the word “irrumatio”. Never been a fan, seems to result in at least modest amounts of vomit ~50% of the time.
Did I just get volunteered?
There is no such list. Someone got confused when they saw the list of officers on the duty rosters. Fake News.
*offers the Doctor a job as Public Relations director*
Any defense attorney should be able to get that list.
In fact, the failure to volunteer it could be a due process violation – exculpatory evidence and all that – especially if anyone on the list is involved in the arrest, investigation, etc.
The fact that the list even exists should be able to get anyone convicted on the testimony of any LASD officer an ability to sue for redress based on withholding evidence by the State.
Where can I find such a button? Asking for a friend.
…PSSST!
…I said “Coke Zero button”!
*slips into shadows*
I’m pretty sure *you* got *me* in the Christmas gift exchange, not the other way around!
I thought you would ask FOR me?!
You know how I don’t want people to know my fascination with Coke Ze… whoops.
*runs from room*
Is Donald pretending to be Bruce Willis doing his limo ride with Argyle?
^This guy understands^
Ten internet points for you, AlexinCT!
Why does The Hat have green stink lines coming off of it as it flutters to the ground, and why is a ginger with a huge mop top trying to jump out of the White House?
Maybe you need to learn to ART properly.
“Things haven’t been the same since we no longer have Bok cartoons to ridicule.” Pomp whined.
NEADZ MOAR LABELZ?
Now you’ve done it; you’ve made Chip Bok cry.
And for that CPRM is a jolly good fellow!
Video from the last Glibs meet-up.
Too many women.
Ladyboys.
*checks prog chart*
Ladyboys are women too!
Only if they want to be, you shitlord!
Don’t ever let anyone say the 80s wasn’t the best decade ever.
I was there. It wasn’t.
I was in school from ’80 – ’87. We had the drugs, sex, rock ‘n’ roll of the 70s without the AIDS panic that was coming. Clothing was a little unfortunate, but hey, we didn’t know any better. And, PC was something that people routinely mocked instead of living in fear of.
I had a blast, myself. When I got out, the economy was good (even the crash of ’87 didn’t really seem to disrupt things much). All in all, the ’80s were a’ight, as far as I’m concerned.
It took you eight years to finish high school? What a dummy!
He didn’t say anything about finishing.
Merry Christmas!
too soon?
Happy Chanukah! Once it’s sundown, anyway.
On the first night of Chanukah my Rabbi gave to me, 8 olden things
? And a senator in Alabama with questionable morals ?
I’m off work tomorrow. Only 7 more hours til I get to go home. Tonight will be the bi- weekly neighborhood FFA meeting. Should be a good time.
Free For All meeting? Tell me more!
Future Felons of Armenia?
Fluffing Fluffers Anonymous?
Fleeing Fugitives of Argentina?
*ducks*
Fabulous Fruitcakes of Arkansas.
Fully Functioning Alcoholics. That’s what we claim to be anyway. Some function better than others.
Glorious. Truly exquisite. By the final installment of this series I hope to be crying tears of unfathomable horror and puking up vomit of immeasurable joy.
Re: the Diet Coke thing, it reminded me of this stellar little tweet by Ace of Spades. That a sitting president’s dietary habits would make the adversarial press come so unglued, is a puzzling and hilarious phenomenon, and I hope it never stops.
The final installment is nigh upon us. Trump will be impeached and the hat and the hair banished any day now.
In this continuity I think some scholar will find a little known clause that if a president is impeached, he can appoint his favorite article of clothing as his successor.
They did the same thing with Reagan’s jellybeans, Bush I’s hatred of broccoli and Obama saying his favorite food is arugula.
I don’t remember a food freak out about Clinton, but then I guess he never flat-out told the press that his favorite thing to eat was white trash pussy.
Cigars for Clinton? Nothing else stands out that I can recall.
I seem to remember some commentary about Clinton’s affinity for hamburgers, which just went to show what a regular guy he is. Unlike the current occupant of the White House, whose affinity for hamburgers makes him an uncultured lout, which goes to show how deplorable he is.
I was able to find this NYT article on the subject. http://www.nytimes.com/1992/12/23/garden/bill-clinton-and-food-jack-sprat-he-s-not.html?pagewanted=all
Big Macs.
I seem to remember there were news stories about President Clinton’s love of McDonald’s, and how it showed he was normal guy, just like everyone else.
And now we can see who was following the news in the 90’s, and still remembers it.
Yup, whereas Trump’s love of Big Macs and apple pies is evidence of how nekulturny he is.
Yeah, I specifically remember reading some puff piece about how a Secret Service agent supposedly swiped a bag of McDonald’s out of the President’s hands because “it hadn’t been cleared yet” because he bought it while jogging or somesuch.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYt0khR_ej0
Hope’s pale face appeared on the monitor.
I read that as “hope” the emotion/concept, not as a person named “Hope”. Poetic.
*shrugs*
Now, if it turns out Hope is a holdover from Obama, and she has a colleague named Chang, well, that could set up some interesting dialogue.
Especially if the colleague is actually named Nakamoto, but given the pet name Chang.
“According to one legend, popularised in the 1956 film Sumpah Orang Minyak (The Curse of the Oily Man) directed by and starring P. Ramlee, the orang minyak was a man who was cursed in an attempt to win back his love with magic. In this version, the devil offered to help the creature and give him powers of the black arts, but only if the orang minyak worshipped him and raped 21 virgins within a week.”
STEVE SMITH LIVES.
STEVE SMITH JUST RAPE DEVIL UNTIL DEVIL GIVE IN!
STEVE SMITH ALSO JUST HAPPEN HAVE A GOLD FIDDLE FOR SALE.
FIRE IN CALIFORNIA, RUN GLIBS RUN
DEVIL GETTIN’ RAPED TO THE RISIN’ SUN
STEVE SMITH IN THE WOODS, DEALIN’ OUT RAPE
HE RAPES LIKE A 20 FOOT HALF SHAVED APE.
Can’t figure wether to sing this in the tune of ‘Beverly Hillbillies’ or a Dead Kennedys track.
You son of a
bitchgun!STEVE SMITH WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA
HE WAS LOOKING FOR SOME HIKERS TO RAPE
HE WAS IN A BIND FROM GETTING NO BEHIND
HE WAS WILLING TO RAPE A SEAL
THEN HE CAME ACROSS A YOUNG MAN, RAPIN A HIKER THAT WAS HOT
STEVE SMITH GOT HOT AND SAID TO THE BOY, LISTEN I’LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO
I GUESS YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT, BUT STEVE SMITH RAPE HIKERS TOO AND IF YOU CARE TO ENTER A DARE I’LL MAKE A RAPIN BET WITH YOU
I DONE TOLD YOU ONCE, YOU OLD SON OF A BITCH
I’M THE BEST THAT’S EVER RAPED
The Devil won that contest with Johnny and no one will out-rape STEVE SMITH. Yes I said it.
I think a STEVE SMITH cd would be great. Maybe start with A STEVE SMITH CHRISTMAS.
I’M DREAMING OF A RAPED CHRISTMAS. JUST LIKE THE ONES I USED TO DO. WHERE THE HIKERS ARE MERRY AND BRIGHT AND ALL THE HIKERS WERE RAPED TONIGHT.
STEVE SMITH CLIMB THROUGH CHIMNEY, AND LEAVE PRESENTS FOR ALL THE CHILDREN.
AND BY PRESENTS, MEAN RAPE.
HERE COME STEVE SMITH
HERE COME STEVE SMITH
RIGHT UP HERSHEY HIGHWAY
HE HAVE PRESENTS FOR BOYS AND GIRLS
AND BY PRESENTS, HE MEAN RAPE
GOOD STEVE SMITH LOOKED OUT
ON THE RAPENING EVENING
WHEN THE HIKERS DID RUN ABOUT
CRYING AND SOME WERE PLEADING
BRIGHTLY SHONE THEIR FLASHLIGHTS THAT NIGHT
THOUGH THE FROST WAS COOL
WHEN A POOR HIKER CAME IN SIGHT,
OH, THE UNLUCKY FOOL.
STEVE SMITH – ALWAYS A THREE HOUR
TOURRAPE.STEVE SMITH TIMELESS. MARY NOT ADMIT HOW JESUS CONCEIVED. LET JUST SAY NOT HER FIRST TIME IN MANGER.
*narrows gaze*
STEVE SMITH RAPING BY AN OPEN FIRE
SASQUATCH RAPING AT YOUR REAR
GRUNTS AND SCREAMS BEING SUNG BY A HIKER
AND NEXT VICTIMS TREMBLING IN FEAR
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT HIKERS AND SOME MISTLETOE
PUT STEVE SMITH IN THE MOOD TO RAPE
HIKER FOLKS WITH THEIR BUTTS FOR A GO
WILL FIND IT EASY TO POOP TONIGHT
THEY KNOW THAT SASQUATCH ON HIS WAY
HE’S BRINGING LOTS OF SPECIAL GOODIES IN HIS WAY
(AND HIS WAY MEAN RAPE)
AND EVERY YOUNG HIKER IS GONNA CRY
AND SO STEVE SMITH OFFERING THIS SIMPLE RAPE
TO HIKERS WHO HE ABOUT TO SCREW
ALTHOUGH YOU TRY TO RUN FROM HIS SCARY SHAPE
RAPEY CHRISTMAS, RAPEY CHRISTMAS, TO YOU!
WHEN STEVE SMITH RAPE HIM IN HIS BROWN EYE
Okay, mixed up one line:
STEVE SMITH RAPING BY AN OPEN FIRE
SASQUATCH RAPING AT YOUR REAR
GRUNTS AND SCREAMS BEING SUNG BY A HIKER
AND NEXT VICTIMS TREMBLING IN FEAR
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT HIKERS AND SOME MISTLETOE
PUT STEVE SMITH IN THE MOOD TO RAPE
HIKER FOLKS WITH THEIR BUTTS FOR A GO
WILL FIND IT EASY TO POOP TONIGHT
THEY KNOW THAT SASQUATCH ON HIS WAY
HE’S BRINGING LOTS OF SPECIAL GOODIES IN HIS WAY
(AND HIS WAY MEAN RAPE)
AND EVERY YOUNG HIKER IS GONNA CRY
WHEN STEVE SMITH RAPE HIM IN HIS BROWN EYE
AND SO STEVE SMITH OFFERING THIS SIMPLE RAPE
TO HIKERS WHO HE ABOUT TO SCREW
ALTHOUGH YOU TRY TO RUN FROM HIS SCARY SHAPE
RAPEY CHRISTMAS, RAPEY CHRISTMAS, TO YOU!
“Yeah, nothing weird-looking about the cast from American Psycho,”
Maybe it’s the Bateman connection, but they strike me as more of the cast of Arrested Development.
Come on, you just know Jared is a never-nude!
As just an aside: In the novel, Patrick Bateman is obsessed with Donald Trump and considers him the perfect role model.
“Loser,” the hat sniffed. “Go back in time and get yourself unknocked-up at 15, ya dumb cunt.”
Rasilio will be riding to the rescue any minute, now.
Many LOLs, might be my favorite one yet.
Will one of our heroes buy the farm in the next episode? Tune in to find out!
as automatic gunfire began downstairs.
Secret Service taking out some of the more energetic losers in Antifa.
The Last Jedi getting trashed.
http://www.nationalreview.com/article/454564/star-wars-last-jedi-unoriginal-tone-deaf-mess
burn:
Although that is one of the dumbest plot-holes that the prequels create. In the pre-trilogy the Jedi are these cosmic level badasses that have the Japanese-aliens shitting their pants that two might be on their ship, yet–depending on Luke’s age–just twenty years or so later they are sneered at for being an ancient and dead religion and a complete joke.
The only thing most people in 2017 think is a ridiculous myth from 1997 is Ethan Hawke’s movie career.
I prefer to believe that the prequels don’t exist. It’s better for my blood pressure.
I haven’t seen them so that’s easy for me.
But he did Training Day in 2001!
I don’t see that as a plot hole. By the time Tarkin was speaking, from his point of view the Jedi were a dead religion. After Order 66, The Emperor and Vader were believed to be the only Force users left. That the Jedi were punked during the Clone Wars is sneerable.
But being led by two Force users and thinking the Force is a myth is a little stupid.
So, you two realize you’re nerds, right?
Yeah, but we are both so goddamn good-looking that it really doesn’t matter.
This was never a subject of debate.
Tarkin never thought that the Force was a myth, he said that the Force’s time had past in response to Vader chiding him for being too confident in the Death Star’s abilities. Tarkin was saying that technology makes the Force antiquated, which seems to have been a popular sentiment for the time (Han Solo and hokey religions), which makes sense if the technology of clone troopers was all it took to kill all the Jedi.
Also, on paper, Tarkin outranked Vader. At least when it came to the Imperial Navy, at least that’s how I interpret the purpose of the scene.
Of course, Rogue One establishes that the Death Star ran on technology that the Jedis had mastered countless centuries before, so a prequel pulls the rug out from under the Imperials again.
Motti and Tarkin.
Well again, Tarkin’s arc is one of hubris.
Uh, apparently Last Jedi establishes that you can make intergalactic telepathic phone calls and fly around in interstellar vacuum without a space suit using the Force.
smdh
The prequel trilogy really should have showed the Jedi struggling with internal conflict and outsider mistrust from the first moments of episode one. In fact, their downfall should have mostly come from within:
– They can’t tell that the senator with an office just down the street is a super-powerful Sith Lord
– They’ve got this kid with unreal potential in their midst and don’t want to train him
– They stumble upon this colossal clone army and, instead of wondering how the hell this happened, just start throwing them into the meat-grinder
Of course, for the viewer this is all proof of a corrupt organization. But up until the end, they are portrayed heroically. It’s so stupid. Anakin should have been the reason the Jedi begin their infighting. Qui-Gon should have been a Jedi Council member and, when Yoda and Samuel Jackson decide Anakin is not to be trained, Qui-Gon resigns from the council to train him. Now Obi-Wan is conflicted between loyalty to his master and loyalty to the order, and he resents Anakin for being the wedge between the two. Then Qui-Gon dies, so Obi-Wan vows to train Anakin to honor his late master.
Episode two should have opened with Obi-Wan and Anakin dueling; turns out it’s simply training, but it’s obvious foreshadowing to the end of episode three. Et cetera.
I can somewhat see it, comparably, as a young Red Army officer who came up through the ranks in 1937 berating a former Tsarist…let’s say pilot (important that they are in different chains of command) or civilian representative. I mean, it was only 20 years, but his idea of what Tsarist Russia was like is probably completely out of touch with reality.
Then the old general who served in the Imperial Army before joining Bolsheviks* makes peace and mentions gently that yes, modernization has moved the country on, and fealty, honor and personal courage are no longer qualities that will bring victory.
*and there were quite a few, including Zhukov, who made it through the purges a year later.
Jedi Temple in prequels should have been mostly empty though, with very few young pupils. Would also add weight to decision to train Anakin. “Well, the kid is weird but fuck it, we just can’t find recruits anymore”
Unfortunately I’m going to watch this with the wife, no matter what I say.
Yeah…#metoo.
The Force Awakens was utterly forgettable, so I haven’t been too enthusiastic about this latest installment either. Rogue One was a pleasant surprise though.
Rogue One was a pretty decent war movie that turned in to a “STAR WARS” shit show in the finale. Still, it was miles ahead of The Force Awakens.
*shrug*
The only part of that brand exercise I liked was the ads for Battlefront and X-Wing at the end.
And WTF, EA? You like money? Fucking do HD Remaster of X-Wing and Tie Figther and roll in the profits!
I just re-watched The Force Awakens and… meh. Didn’t care for it the first time and it didn’t improve on a rewatch.
I’ve watched the first 10 minutes of Rogue One a few times then shut it off because I wasn’t paying attention and/or too tired. That “THE EMPIRE ARE WHITE SUPREMACIST NAZIS” idiocy from the creators didn’t exactly engender me to finish it quickly, either.
Pretty much my take.
The new one will likely be the first Star Wars movie I don’t see in the theaters. And yes, I’m so old I watched the first one on its first release back in the ’70s. I used to have a first edition paperback that would probably be worth a fortune if (a) I still had it and (b) me and my nerd buddies hadn’t passed it around like a drunk hooker.
I’m shocked – shocked I say! – that once again a Star Wars movie turns out to be turgid crap. I mean after 4 turkeys in a row, I thought they were due to make a good one!
I thought Brick was a great movie, so I was hoping that Rian Johnson would be able to unfuck this mess. I guess not.
Don’t want to link to Financial Times or Zero Hedge, but apparently China, Italy, France,, et al are pissed to high heaven about US Tax Reform.
Guess their welfare systems are based on the US never waking the fuck up.
Why do they care what we do? I’ve never even heard of those countries. No one has. MAGA.
Must be the corporate tax thingy?
If I were an optimist, I would be thinking that in response to lower U.S. corporate taxes, euro countries will lower their rates, triggering the U.S. to then lower theirs even more. I am not, however, an optimist.
Like this?
I’m no big fan of this tax reform bill, it should have gone for way deeper cuts in the corporate and paired them with meaningful spending cuts. The US would eat everyone’s lunch if they did a straight 10% corporate rate. But anyway, go fuck yourselves Ministers.
break international treaties on double taxation
So there are treaties that require double taxation?
That seemed curious to me as well – clarified in a later paragraph:
“Concerned that U.S. businesses will gain a competitive edge on international markets once the tax proposal is enacted, the five finance heads mentioned certain provisions of both the House and Senate bills. They argued a “base erosion” provision in the Senate bill that aims to prevent corporations from moving profits abroad could also adversely hurt banks by treating cross-border transactions as non-tax deductible. Separately, the ministers also took issue with the House bill’s call for a 20% tax on payments made to a foreign subsidiary—arguing that it could allow taxation of non-U.S. companies.”
“in a way that adheres with international obligations to which it has signed up”
Daring him to cancel those obligations that Obama signed. Should be pretty easy.
Snarking your customers seems like such a winning marketing strategy.
http://www.latimes.com/business/technology/la-fi-tn-netflix-tweet-20171211-story.html
Seriously, do these big multinationals hand over the keys to their twitter accounts to drunk interns?
They’re like that uncle who never had kids who still thinks he’s “hip”.
Ooh. That’s a little close to home.
Hey!
Does he have a leather jacket?
The Nick Gillespie of uncles?
Ouch…
If done right, its pretty awesome
wendy’s twitter person is a boss
Oh, that’s good.
they are skilled at the twitters
The pot shots they occasionally take at McDonald’s are the best.
Its hard to put your finger on, but Wendy’s is more good-natured, laughing with their customers not at their customers, and the Netflix tweets are just kinda mean to their customers.
It’s also pretty fucked up in how it serves as a reminder of everything they know about you and hints at the possibility that they share that info with people in the company that have no reason to be privy to it. It’s like hearing the receptionist at the doctor’s office making snide comments about your x-rays.
I had to have my hip x rayed a while back. There were a lot of comments about my x-ray.
http://imgur.com/0I6kzu4
Mazel tov!
The FBI is very open and forthcoming with Glenn Reynolds.
Glenn Reynolds is a Nazi or something
It has been infected with the Wasserman virus. KILL IT WITH FIRE!
https://i1.wp.com/i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/12/06/18/470D424D00000578-0-image-a-86_1512585371625.jpg
Is that his mistress? ewwwwwww…….
I can’t imagine how bad his wife looks.
https://pets-animals.blurtit.com/var/question/q/q1/q16/q161/q1612/q1612739_1520967_783_oldhag
He looks like a very happy 12 year-old boy posing beside the llama that bit my finger this one drunken time I visited the family farm.
it’s epic that POTUS is tweeting about Strzog and Page. Mueller’s probe’s credibility dashed by his own “dream” team.
the fact that all the kids still wear a 1980s Wall St haircut is one of the most disturbing things about the Trump clan. That, and the furniture. Gold leaf is so gross. Its like putting rims on a aston martin. it completely undermines the appearance of ‘class’ you were so desperately trying to attain.
Spinners!
Curb feelers
Continental tire, FTW!
You’re looking for class in the wrong place.
// Bentley Continental GT owner
I have that haircut… (and the hair to pull it off)
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DQ3CRi3UIAA0TUJ.jpg:large
In the words of Dan Rather “fake, but accurate”
Silencers are completely silent, it is known.
Wat? That’s can’t be real.
“fake, but accurate”
Pff, I don’t read the comments.
Well, the comments don’t read you either
(In all seriousness, I can’t believe you click links without reading the comment first. Have you seen some of the stuff that’s posted here? Especially HM’s stuff?)
Don’t hate the player.
Hate the game.
I love the player and the game. I just find your links to be disturbing sometimes
What Just Say’n said.
Completely unrelated to anything, Netflix has been adding more shows unannounced. Most recently, both seasons of Ash Vs. Evil Dead have been added. If you like Bruce Campbell, and the Evil Dead series, it is well worth watching.
I noticed Guardians of the Galaxy II was on the other day as well. I’ll be putting Ash in the queue! Thanks for the heads up.
OT from your OT: The Grand Tour 2nd season came out on Friday on Prime. 1st episode features a Lambo, a hybrid, and an all electric super car made in the…Czech Republic…
Check that. The electric car was made in…Croatia!
Sweet. I wonder if they will show anything about Hammond’s crash.
Yes, they showed the crash, and the fire.. (well the youtube of it, since their cameras weren’t expecting anything to happen after the finish line).
http://5newsonline.com/2017/12/11/almost-every-drug-you-can-think-of-and-more-seized-in-pea-ridge-drug-bust/
Every drug who can think of?
Not Keith Richards.
Normies, not libertarians.
https://twitter.com/FastCompany/status/940668937955573760
Barbie is woke AF
Everything is political.
Also, stupid move. You think the market for SJWs is bigger than the market in Middle America that considers Barbie a piece of childhood Americana? These companies are just as clueless and insular as DC.
I’ve gotten into the habit of reading author bios to see what caused the damage when I read stuff like this. I see in this case somebody already beat me to the punch:
i thought Barbie died with the strong-is-the-new-beautiful movement?
Another Oreo Barbie can’t be far behind.
Or interracial gangbang Barbie…
*runs off to bunk*
“Penis math is hard.”
You people do realize Ken never had a dick right?
It was one of the first things we inspected as kids.
Pull the pants down and observe.
“Where’s his cock?”
“Rufus was desperate to find cock” is all I’m getting from this story.
Silly Rufus! Not all boys have a bean and not all girls have a napper, so un-woke…