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‘Twas the night before Glib-Mas, and, purged of endorphins,
Not a creature was stirring – not even the orphans.
Booby traps and alarms were set, in fear
That old rapist STEVE SMITH might decide to appear.
The Glib Ones were nestled, each snug in their bunk,
Each Glib Girl and Anarchist, and reg’lar old punk.
Both I and my mistress, who looked really super,
Were succumbing to an alcoholic stupor.
When, all of a sudden, ere I could rebuke,
Our Glib-house was hit with the force of a nuke!
(I exaggerate, of course, but still, I was shook up
And upset at the interruption of my hook-up.)
I ran to the window and threw open the pane.
Dark clouds had gathered, the moonlight did wane –
And above the night wind’s blistering howl,
I heard a voice; no, it was more of a growl:
“ALL OF YOU TROLLS, BE READY FOR TAKEOFF!
STEVE SMITH GO IN HERE, THEN WE WILL MAKE OFF
WITH THEIR GIFTS AND PRESENTS AND CHRISTMAS BOOTY –
ALL TROLL FLIGHT CREWS ATTEND TO YOUR DUTY!”
I cowered in fear, for from childhood I knew
Of the legend of STEVE SMITH and his murderous crew –
Eight ugly trolls pulled his magical sled;
The very sight of them filled grown men with dread.
I stood frozen in fear, stuck right to the floor
And heard massive footprints approaching my door;
Then, at the last moment, dived back of a chair –
My door was kicked open, and then, standing there
Was STEVE SMITH, in all of his horrible glory,
His dank body hair matted and gory.
He possessed two incredibly bloodshot eyes;
Oh, and a phallus of enormous size.
The creature turned and gave me a wink,
And just as I was beginning to think
That I was a goner, now it appeared
Perhaps things would not be quite as I feared.
Instead, he turned his attention to see
All of the Glib-gifts under the tree.
Then it hit me like a clap of thunder –
His purpose and intention to plunder!
All the things we had bought, he stuffed into a sack,
Our unopened presents, he proceeded to pack.
All of the firearms, sex toys, and lube,
Our home-brew kits, our blow-up dolls – hey, rube!
This was our whole holiday he was stealing,
But as I stood there, I had the feeling
That if I tried to stop him, he’d pound me, I knew
Into a greasy little pile of goo.
So while I stood cowering, tame as a mouse,
The creature went all about the house
Taking all that he wanted; why, he even took
Every Ayn Rand and Hayek and Mises book.
When he was finally done, he heaved a great sigh,
And again fixed me with a bloodshot eye.
Though the beast seemed to be in a jovial mood
I had only one thought: Holy crap, I am screwed.
But as I stood there trembling, my mouth agape,
The monster assured me: “DON’T WORRY, NO RAPE –
STEVE SMITH EXHAUSTED AFTER LONG NIGHT OF THEFT.
ALMOST FEEL SORRY, YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT.
BUT REMEMBER THIS: GLIB-MAS NOT ABOUT EARTHLY THINGS
BUT FREEDOM AND ALL THE JOY THAT IT BRINGS.”
With that he stepped out, with his large pack fumbling,
To his sled and his slave-trolls all a-grumbling.
Within moments the over-burdened sleigh
Rose into the sky, and then away –
Leaving only a horrible stink.
“No one will believe this,” I started to think.
I was up the rest of the night explaining;
I really don’t think I deserved the caning.
Ah, well. As STEVE SMITH said, as he vanished from sight,
”MERRY GLIB-MAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”
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Comments
101 responses to “‘Twas the Night Before Glib-Mas”
Bravo!
These #1 gifs are my favorite thing ever
Damned. It is nearly dark here and it is only 3pm. It is cold and damp outside and pissing rain. And I am already drunk.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas. I am. Wife is cooking up a pot of gumbo which should help with the cold.
I’m getting snow overnight, so I should have a white Christmas.
Bright sunshine and in the 60s here in old San Antone.
100% chance of precipitation, but only about 20% chance of snow.
So, expect black ice and lots of insurance claims. Gotcha.
Freezing rain this morning, then unfreezing rain later today through end of forecast. Doesn’t really matter because we’re all inside. Going to grill a steak later for the missus, with sweet potato.
Snow coming in here tonight or early tomorrow. We’ll see if the power stays on. A lot of branches are still weighed down by the ice and snow from yesterday’s storm. The sun came out and there was some melting, but not enough.
82 and sunny. Expecting the same tomorrow for Christmas day.
Three days ago my wife was calling restaurants to see who is open Christmas day. Friday I came home to a big turkey in the frig and other stuff all over the counters. I guess we are cooking.
Sunny in the lower 80’s with pleasant Trade Winds. Ocean is still around 78 degrees with a nice swell for body surfing.
Enjoying a rum drink and watching the Cowboys lose. Life is okay.
Awesome.
Open borders, fuck yeah!
STEVE SMITH SAD…HE NO STEAL, HE RAPE!
MAYBE CALL LAWYER FOR DEFAMATION CASE! WAIT…HE RAPE LAST LAWYER. WORD GET AROUND, AND STEVE SMITH NO HAVE COUNSEL ANYMORE.
LOOK LIKE YOU GET AWAY WITH IT…THIS TIME.
Your Future Reptilian Overlords could use a mammal like you in one of our contract disputes. Would be up for a bit of STEVE SMITH INTERGALACTIC RAPE?
Don’t be sad, STEVE.
Too long; Ken Shultz.
Very well done,
Merry GlibMas! to all!
OT: Watched TOS episode “Metamorphosis” last night. That one is going to get memory holed by the SJWs. Has a line in it that male and female are universal constructs. Oops. Kirk won’t be able to make out his way of that one.
“…male and female are universal constructs.”
I have no idea what that means.
IT MEANS STEVE SMITH MUST WEAR SAFTEY VEST AND HARD HAT?
Sorry, should be universal constants
Bonus points for Cochrane getting raped:
that was cool, thanks!
Yeah, that certainly fits along side the memory holed Bill Nye episode mentioning sex; “you’re either a boy or a girl.”
Merry Christmas.
And damn the NFC South just does not have any gimme games. Go Panthers
Merry Christmas Eve, Glibs! ‘Bout to open a bottle of port and ruin a roast!
Very nice!
All the Grand kids are gone, so now I’m going to Help the wife Shower, then make lil Smokies in BBQ sauce, leftover chips, dip, Pie and Candy,
and Lagunitas Imperial Stout, Good Evening to relax,
Excellent plan!
I am currently enjoying the exact same beverage while watching the Cowboys/Seahawks snooze fest.
Poetry! Sheer poetry! wchipperdove, an A+!
*dances around room adding extra pluses all over the walls*
You’ll shoot your eye out.
Weyerbacher 22 to start the night.
Merry Christmas to all!
Punishing a single malt with Pater Dean, Brother Dean, Mrs. Dean, etc. busy in the kitchen, lovely Dean nieces watching a LOTR marathon in the next room.
Life is good.
Yes it is. Merry Christmas RC, and everyone else too. I had to lay off of the spirits for a while but not the gumbo. Mmmm hot steamy gumbo.
Excellent,
Yeah, Merry Christmas to all the Glibs!
Family stuff tonight and most of tomorrow so probably won’t see y’all until Tuesday.
Since you have an awesome kitchen…. what’s being served?
Some kind of lasagna with homemade noodles, innumerable sides. Turkey dry timing for tomorrow. I stay clear when serious cooking is being done, so I’m light on detail ( but full of Scotch).
Merry Christmas!
Flake warns: Trump headed for GOP primary challenge in 2020
Wah! Wah! RINO warns about establishment backlash from an establishment that never accepted Trump. Where’s my shocked face? Oh, fuck off Flake. Go move to your new K Street office already. Merry Christmas you little shit!
However, Flake said that he doesn’t plan on seeking the GOP presidential nomination in 2020.
“I don’t rule anything out, but it’s not in my plans,” he told ABC News.
I think I’d have a better chance. So would STEVE SMITH.
3 Antifa decide to protest portland ‘march for Jesus’.
highlights:
– “the cross is a known white supremecist symbol” – they say while pointing at a crowd littered with black, hispanic, asian marchers.
– they explain how communism will eventually win
– then one gets hit by a pickup truck
fixed link
Just what I wanted. You shouldn’t have, Gil.
Many years ago, when my nephew was about four or five, his parents taught him how to be polite and thankful for his Christmas gifts. All of us family were together at Christmas, and somebody got him a battery-operated toy, wrapping the toy in one package, and the batteries in a separate, smaller package.
The kid opens up the batteries first, and theme holds them up, saying, “Just what I always wanted.
Poor kid couldn’t figure out why everybody was laughing hysterically.
smdh
That poor pickup driver. And all of those other people behind that were inconveniences by those assholes playing (and losing) chicken with traffic.
He wouldn’t have felt nearly so bad if he knew how close he came to improving the gene pool.
That third thing… I like it.
It’s like the Christmas gift I never asked for, but nonetheless appreciate very much.
do they charge the driver for that?
I think he was working pro-bono
More wah wah.
http://www.jpost.com/Arab-Israeli-Conflict/Trumps-peace-team-keeps-its-head-down-amid-Abbas-onslaught-519938
Meanie Trump tore away polite fictions. How can we ever negotiate a peace without building it on a pack of lies?
The detail peace plan should be a single page with “Work it out amongst yourselves”. As long as the Palis idea of permanent peace is rooted in the destruction of Israel, it’s not gonna happen no matter how much the Nazi, Vichy, and Communist descendants wag their tongues from the sidelines.
The detailed peace plan should be “Admit it, Palestinians, you lost.”
And your Arab “allies” are laughing at using you as a prop with Israel for the past 70 years. How does it feel to be Charlie McCarthy?
Abbas says he will no longer accept US proposals for peace.
The bigger question now is, will Abbas also refuse American money ?
OK. I downloaded all 4 Die Hards in 1080p. Are any of them appropriate for a 9 year old?
Let me rephrase:
Which one will get me in the least amount of trouble after I watch it with my 9 year old?
Just go with 1. It’s a classic.
Plus Alan Rickman. He might get a kick out of seeing Prof Snape as a terrorist if he’s seen Harry Potter.
4 is pg13
On it. Thx
i watched The Day After at age 9.
i’m pretty sure anything short of “imminent potential for the nuclear eradication of our entire society” is appropriate for that age group
I member, and they Meant to scare us!!!
/Fur muh Childerns!!!!
Damn, I thought it was a comedy when I saw it.
The only issue is the bad language that I can remember in #1. If he can be exposed to “Yipee-ki-ya, muthafaucka” you’re good to go.
Then there are a couple of unexpected murders. Pretty much another day in any big city.
Some nice art and crafts ideas in that movie. Is the kid a Trump supporter?
We watched The Kingsman last night. Samuel L. Jackson was awesome in that.
I think there are 5. Four are rated R, Live Free or Die Hard is PG-13. I only remember seeing the first 2. All will have a lot of violence and language. Any Bruce Lee movies on Netflix?
There are only three Die Hard movies.
I suppose you want to argue with the die hard fans?
Next and probably last beer. The bourbon taste is overwhelming, it’s more like drinking a bourbon than drinking a beer.
I’m not really a fan of the bourbon beers. I’d rather just sip bourbon along with a lighter beer.
I’ve had some excellent ones. This is not one of them. If I wanted to have a bourbon, I would have had some bourbon. Instead, I want to taste how bourbon and beer interplay. All I taste is bourbon.
Just found out my wife used the rest of my E&J Brandy in her Sangria mix for tomorrow. I don’t think there was much left though.
I had that Coconut porter BB aged, it was nice
Excellent!
I also had a Sin Tax, one that MS reviewed, a Peanut butter Stout, really good but some flavor kept getting in the way of the PB, I couldn’t figure it out,
I’m playing Yahtzee right now online, pretty fun, a French guy beat me by 7 points! ARGGG!
https://en.boardgamearena.com/#!welcome
I’m on that site as well (and wrote a bit about it for the next board game column). Have you tried Can’t Stop? It’s a decent press your luck game that’s stupidly overpriced if you purchase the actual board game.
You’re the reason I went back out to explore, I love Old school games, but with the kids gone and the Parents passed on, it can be hard to find a game, Maybe we could set up some Glib games?
BTW, I’m also Yusef drives a kia there as well,
I use the same handle there as I do here, so feel free to hit me up.
I’ll read up on Can’t stop, we’ll hookup for sure
/Glibs!
Prime Rib and <a href=“https://beaus.ca/beer/lug-tread/” Lug Treads at my sisters place tonight.
Storm coming in and it doesn’t matter because Food Coma and Beer.
Merry Christmas eh!
awwwww geeze
Gilmore?
Not sure what he has to do with it. I’m sure he’d like a Lug Tread, though.
You’re not new here,
Blown link? Gilmored?
I thought it a blown link was SF’d. But then I reposted it.
you are correct. A “me” is technically a mis-thread, where you reply to something unintentionally.
I do not wish SF to be stripped of his title
the more you know….
Superb contribution. I was however waiting for you to shoot the fucker that broke into your house. And his trolls for trespassing.
Obligatory
I love it!
Thanks and Merry Christmas, wchipperdove!
I don’t know if I’ll be around tomorrow or not. Possibly…
Merry Christmas to all you Glibs.
???
Merry Christmas Sean!
STEVE SMITH IRS AGENT?
Thanks for the compliments, everyone.
Why do you look like a cute little Girl? grand daughter maybe?
Ha! No, she’s a little girl named Chloe who’s appeared in some amusing YouTube videos. This reaction face of hers has become a meme.
Assistant YUSEF: thank God for 3.5 days off! no OMM and his Jihad, I’m sick of having to sacrifice things every day, where do I put all these Heads?
Anyway, Merry Christmas and hope I survive into the new Year, I’m back on Tuesday at 6 A.M. OMM has many duties lined up
ALLAHLOLOLOOOLOLO!