ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. DESPITE ZARDOZ’S SUPERIOR ADVICE, IT APPEARS THE BRUTAL “DEAR PRUDENCE” IS STILL ATTEMPTING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM ADVICE WANTING BRUTALS. IT IS UP TO ZARDOZ TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, AND GIVE THE SUPERIOR ADVICE.

BETTER ADVICE

POOR ADVICE

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: Years ago, while my wife and I were separated, I foolishly slept with “Molly,” who became pregnant with my daughter “Ally.” I reconciled with my wife, and ultimately we won custody of Ally when she was 9, after Molly went through a series of boyfriends and made repeated sexual overtures toward me. My wife has been incredible, but Molly’s influence has been strong. After completing her court-ordered therapy, Molly filed for custody when Ally was 13, and two years later Ally went to live with her permanently. Ally went from respectful and sweet to insubordinate and cruel. Finally, she used racial epithets against my wife and stepdaughters, and I threw her out of the house. She did the same thing when my wife and I came to her high school graduation. Molly looked so proud of her.

Ally is now 21. I haven’t spoken to her beyond a phone call on Christmas and her birthday unless she needs money. My wife openly grieves for the little girl that we lost, and my stepdaughters refuse to acknowledge Ally. I can’t blame them. I blame myself for not fighting harder, but what is done is done. At what point do I give up? Ally is sweet until she doesn’t get what she wants. The last time it was because I wouldn’t bail her drug-using boyfriend from jail; before that, it was when I wouldn’t buy her another car after she wrecked hers. I am tired and have no desire to do this dance for the next 20 years. I am at the end of my rope. For the record, I always paid my child support, while Molly didn’t pay a dime when Ally lived with me. I love my daughter, but I also love my wife and stepdaughters. I would give anything to have the Ally who I raised back, but that is an impossibility now. I don’t know what to do.

—Do I Give Up?

A: FOOLISH BRUTAL! YOU CREATED NEW LIFE. YOUR ANSWER WAS NOT TO GIVE UP YEARS LATER, BUT TO PURIFY THE EARTH OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. YOU MUST CORRECT YOUR ERROR. GO FORTH AND KILL! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

Q: I’m 31 and was with my ex-husband, Charlie, for 12 years. In May he told me he’d fallen in love with his co-worker and asked me for a divorce. I thought our marriage could be saved and tried to persuade Charlie to reconcile, but he was utterly done with me. I upset him by not accepting the end of our marriage, and he told me in no uncertain terms that we’d never really loved each other, that our marriage was a lie, and that his co-worker was his true love. I know he finds my heartbreak pathetic. I wish I could hate him, but I just miss him. I know our marriage is over and will move on, but I’m struggling to accept that our entire marriage was a fraud. I love Charlie, and he convinced me (and our friends and families) that he felt the same. How do you mourn the end of a relationship when the other person tells you that you imagined the whole thing?

—Was My Marriage a Lie?

A: YOU MUST ADOPT THE ATTITUDE OF THE TABERNACLE. TELL THE BRUTAL CHARLIE “YOU HAVE PENETRATED ME. THERE IS NO ESCAPE. YOU ARE WITHIN ME. COME INTO MY CENTER. COME INTO THE CENTER OF THE CRYSTAL.” WHILE THE BRUTAL CHARLIE TRIES TO FIGURE THIS STATEMENT OUT, GO AND CLEANSE HIS CO-WORKER. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

Q: In order to teach our young kids about money, when we started giving them an allowance, we had them place 10 percent into investments we managed on their behalf. This has gone well for our older son—better than we could have ever guessed, thanks to some amazingly lucky investments. Our banker has suggested that by the time our son reaches adulthood, the fund could be greater than anything we imagined when we created it. Our problem is what to do about our younger son, who is unlikely to see the same return on his investments. We have unwittingly created a situation of extreme inequality among our kids.

Since my older son is a minor and the account is in my name, I am able to transfer some of the value to our other son’s account. Part of me thinks this is fair, since the investment plan wasn’t initiated by either of our children, so I can’t tell my younger son that his brother deserves the money due to his own wise planning. Our older son had luck and timing on his side, and nothing else. Should I divide the money in the name of equal treatment?

—Money Management

A: IGNORANT BRUTAL! YOU SHOULD PLUNDER BOTH ACCOUNTS, AND SPEND THE FUNDS ON THE GUN. IF EITHER OF YOUR MISERABLE OFFSPRING QUESTION WHERE THE MONEY IS, SIMPLY USE THE WORDS OF THE TABERNACLE – “CAUTION: YOU ARE APPROACHING THE PERIPHERY SHIELD OF VORTEX FOUR. CAUTION: YOU ARE APPROACHING THE PERIPHERY SHIELD OF VORTEX FOUR.” ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.