Chapter I

He brushed aside the Pringle’s crumbs from his Adidas jumper, pulled the coffee table as close as his distended gut would allow. He would show that therapist that could treat himself. Pen in hand, he began to scribble on the complimentary notepad the facility had provided:
“Sure, I like pussy. Sue me. People look at me like I just won the Oscar for Best Supporting Pervert, but why am I to be judged by losers? These girls come from across the globe, hauling around the only talent they have. Sucking a mogul’s cock. They want me to make them a star. Make them a shit load of cash. Make them famous. Yet, they don’t want to pay the price of admission. This isn’t a fucking charity.
You may think this is immoral, but you aren’t an artist (and yes, I am an artist. I pay the motherfuckers). My cum is the lifeblood of this entire industry. My cum is the fertilizer that causes tremendous growth. You call me a degenerate, but you don’t understand. Call me “sick” if you want because I have no choice. I have this magic elixir inside of me and I have to let it loose on any living organism within arm’s reach.
And that bitch, Hillary? I helped her get millions of women to pull the lever for her and she can’t overlook having a few pull mine? My jizz has created more stars than the big bang. I’ve put the wood in Hollywood and you motherfuckers judge me?”

Something didn’t feel quite right to Harvey. He hurled the notepad at the wall. Something was wrong. There it is; his cock had been rock hard the entire time he’d been writing his manifesto. The Arizona sunset coupled with his pent-up rage had resulted in a purple, throbbing pecker. He got up, went into the bathroom and shed his clothes. The complimentary cotton robe beckoned him to slip into it. Perfect. It only circumnavigated three-quarters of his bulging gut.

Semi-robed, Harvey peered out into the hallway. Where the hell was that Mexican maid? Panic washed over him as he realized he would be wasting his life-enhancing potion on the cotton robe. He burst into the hallway, pecker ramrod hard, searching for something alive to squirt into. “There! By the elevator!”. He ripped his robe off and ran toward the elevator. There was the fern he had eyed on his way to his room earlier in the day. As he rigorously pumped the juicy nectar from his shaft, he reached down to stroke the luscious plant. A giant howl of soul-crushing pain escaped Harvey’s mouth right as he shot his load. “Nooooooooo. Fucking plastic.”

 

Chapter II

There was no return address. Inside the brown package was a single videotape with a small note that read, “No plant was harmed in production”. Jared, the TMZ intern, was used to viewing bogus submissions from “leakers” and that evening he had already watched a fake Tom Cruise slaughtering a vegan on a Scientology altar, listened to an obviously edited recording of Lindsay Graham offering a female prostitute $200 for a rim job and seen a clutch of photos of Oprah shaving her lower Afro into a swastika. Now Jared was at the bottom of the stack and when this was done he could finally go back to his shit hole apartment in North Hollywood. The empty office at night made Jared nervous. OK. Last one. He popped in the tape.

The video showed only snowy static for an obnoxiously long time. Jared peeled off the foil from the remaining half of his burrito from lunch. Taking a particularly large bite, the screen flickered and Jared could make out a hallway in what looked like a Holiday Inn. Surely this was security camera footage. There was a pair of elevators to the right and some Native American art hanging on the wall. Jared shifted in his chair and took another bite of his burrito. Security camera footage was excellent. It was the over-produced videos that were bullshit.
After a minute or so, Jared spotted a head pop out from a door at the far end of the hallway. “What the hell is he looking for?” Jared whispered aloud as he scooped a large dollop of sour cream into his mouth. Leaning in close to his monitor, Jared’s jaw went slack and sour cream splattered onto his burrito. “Holy shit. Is that…?” The intern was unable to complete the sentence thanks to a bullet ripping into the back of his skull and coating the remains of his late night snack with gray matter.

. . . .

She tapped on his door lightly with her pinky knuckle. The security guard had been slid a hundred bucks to shut down the cameras for ten minutes, but she wore a scarf over her head and bug-eyed sunglasses just in case. She tapped again more insistently. Goddammit. She pressed her ear to the door and heard what sounded like a hairless cat being stuffed into a surgical glove. She couldn’t suppress the image in her mind; he was rolling around naked on the leather couch, pleasuring himself. Is this really worth three million dollars? “Fuck you, Harvey”, she yelled at the door, “I’m done. Don’t call me anymore.” She slid the tape through the mail slot in the door and heard the thud as it hit the floor. From the other side of the door came, “You *pant, pant* wanna come *pant, pant* in? Please. I’m sorry. Just *pant, pant* come in.”

Lisa turned and hustled up the hallway, down the stairs and into the parking garage where her driver had the car idling. She hopped in the passenger seat and slammed the door with all her might. “It’s done. Let’s get the fuck out of here. I don’t know how you do this.” The Lexus squealed out of the parking garage and into the Arizona night. Lisa started sobbing into her hands as they cruised down the empty highway. The driver reached over and started stroking her hair, “You’ll be fine, honey. Mommy is here.” A small wad of sour cream pooled in the corner of Mommy’s mouth.

 

Chapter III

INT–LUXURY SUITE-THE MEADOWS—NIGHT

The room is dark, illuminated only by the TV. HARVEY is sprawled on the velvet couch in front of the TV, his robe open, nothing underneath. He is sobbing and masturbating to the image on the screen. A pile of tissues on his lap, another to his right for the tears. The video on the screen is a security video of Harvey masturbating onto a plant.

HARVEY
Plastic, fucking plastic. Just like all those sluts. Made up to look perfect, then they call me a creep!?

His motion grows faster. Tears roll down his cheek. Suddenly there is a noise. He stops masturbating, pauses the video and turns. Tears streaming down his face.

HARVEY
Who’s there? Huh, one of those paparazzi fucks?

There is only silence. He un-pauses the video and resumes. A shadow emerges from the darkness behind him. The Emperor Palpatine-esque features of GEORGE’S face slowly emerge from the shadows. Harvey doesn’t notice him. George speaks in a thick Eastern European accent, pausing for deep breaths.

GEORGE
Have you learned your lesson, Harvey?

Harvey TURNS startled, sobbing.

HARVEY
George, I wasn’t expecting…Here, have a seat.

Harvey tries to wipe a cum stain off the cushion next to him.

GEORGE
No thank you, I vill stand.

HARVEY
George, ya gotta know, I never touched them broads…well some of them. But mostly I just wanted them to wa…

GEORGE
Zat is not the issue. You botched ze Vegas job. Hillary vanted Micheal to do it. He vould have gotten zat fuel tank to explode. Zat fucker loves explosions. But, I vas sure you could handle it.

HARVEY
I…I…It was under control, then that damn security guard wandered on set. I…

GEORGE
Shh…I’m not blaming you. But you understand. Ve needed something to get the media to focus…elsewhere. After ze facts didn’t, what’s the saying? Add up.

HARVEY
But come on, I done some good work for you!

GEORGE
Stop masturbating damnit! Zis is important.

Harvey closes his robe in shame and wipes his hand on the couch.

HARVEY
Come on. It woulda worked. You just didn’t have enough patience.

GEORGE

(lashing out)
No. It was sloppy!

(Composes himself)

Now I have to double my funding efforts. All it managed to accomplish is some bullshit on bump-stocks. Who the hell even knew vhat a bump-stock was!? No, this vas supposed to be the nail in ze coffin. And you fucked up!

HARVEY (sobbing)
Please. You already ruined my career!

GEORGE
Hush now, it is ok. Just remember, zis was a light punishment. It can get much vorse.

Harvey breaks down, an emotional mess. George adjusts his impeccable suit and walks out the door.

EXT—THE MEADOWS-NIGHT

George exits the main entrance. George meets KIETH at the limo, Kieth is rubbing his leg with excitement.

KIETH
Tingles! Tingles!
(TO GEORGE)
So, what should I do with him?

GEORGE
Kill him.

George enters the limo and it drives off. Keith walks to the front entrance, dragging his leg and rubbing it, he pulls out a silenced pistol and enters the building.

CUT TO

TED, who has been watching from the bushes, he stealthily approaches the building.

 

Chapter IV

INT–LUXURY SUITE-THE MEADOWS—NIGHT

Harvey is still masturbating to the video footage. Sobbing like a child. He is startled by gunfire and explosions in the hall. The door to the suite is blown off its hinges and Ted emerges from the smoke, wearing his cowboy hat and a sleeveless shirt, holding his compound bow, a gun on his hip.

TED
Get yer fuckin dick out of your hand and get moving. This is a God Damn rescue!

Harvey grabs a tissue to wipe the tears away. He realizes it was from the wrong pile.

INT/EXT—TED’S TRUCK-HWY 60—NIGHT

The pick-up screams down the highway, a pair of antlers mounted to the hood, a small doe in the bed. On the tailgate is a bumper sticker that reads “Never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on two for you”. Harvey’s robe flaps in the breeze out the open window.

HARVEY
OK. So now what? Where the hell are we goin?

TED
Shit man, that’s up to you. Arizona ain’t exactly my bag. They elected John McCain for fuck sake.

HARVEY
What!? You ain’t got no fuckin’ plan?

TED
Well, shit. I can pull over and drop you off anytime you want. Good luck.

HARVEY
No…No…Ok…I can think of somthin’.

TED
And for love of God, put some damn pants on!

Ted reaches behind him, grabs a pair of pants and throws them at Harvey who fumbles and wiggles his way into the pants. He tries to button them, but gets exhausted and gives up.

Harvey pulls out his cellphone, taps on the screen and issues a command.

HARVEY
Turn left on Bell Road. After 8.4 miles, turn right into the parking lot.

TED
Where the fuck are we going.

HARVEY
It’s better if you don’t ask questions. Things are about to get…weird. By the way, thanks for believing I’m innocent.

TED
What!? Hell if I do. If there’s one thing Uncle Ted knows about it’s sex addiction. And you ain’t no sex addict. You’re just a fucking piece if shit.

HARVEY
So why did you rescue me?

TED
Got word, from an inside man, that this whole shitstorm is to cover up the Vegas shooting and the liberal plan to confiscate firearms from good ol Americans. And hell, Uncle Ted is always up for some adventure. But that don’t mean you ain’t a piece of shit.

HARVEY
Turn here!

The truck careens across several lanes of traffic to make the turn, horns blare.

EXT—CHUCK E. CHEESE PARKING LOT—NIGHT

Ted’s truck jumps the curb entering the parking lot and slides to a halt in front of the front door. Ted gets out of the truck and stares at the building in bewilderment. He places his hand on his holstered gun.

TED
What the fuck!?

HARVEY
(EXITING TRUCK)
Just, let me do the talking. I told you, shit is gonna get weird.

 

Chapter V

INT—CHUCK E. CHEESE—NIGHT

Ted and Harvey enter the restaurant trying to look inconspicuous. Ted nervously pats the gun on his hip. Harvey’s robe catches on the velvet rope, he struggles and gets it free, just in time to stop his unbuttoned pants from falling down. They get their hands stamped by the attendant.

HARVEY
We didn’t bring no kids. We’re meeting some friends, for a birthday party.

Ted nods nervously, an awkward grin on his face. The attendant gives a quizzical look and lets them through. The pair make their way through the restaurant, having to randomly dodge running children. The siren on an arcade game goes off and Harvey jumps, then he composes himself. They make their way to CHUCK E. CHEEZE (or the guy in the mascot outfit).

HARVEY
I’m a LOST BOY.

CHUCK E. CHEESE
Do you have a License To Drive?

HARVEY
No, but I can Dream A Little Dream.

CHUCK E. CHEESE
Ok, this way.

Chuck E. Cheese motions to the back of the restaurant and heads that way. Ted and Harvey follow. Chuck E. Cheese leads them to a door marked ‘Management Only’, and opens it, motioning for them to enter.

CHUCK E. CHEESE
Go ahead.

Ted and Harvey go through the door and it is shut behind them.

INT—HALLWAY-CHUCK E.’S DEN—NIGHT

Ted and Harvey walk down a dimly lit hallway lined with glass windows into rooms with red lights. A hostess leads them down the hall. Behind each window is a stereotype of a sexual proclivity; A man in a gimp mask, an Asian girl in a school uniform, a young boy crying, a sneering transvestite, a furry and so on. Ted looks on in disgust.

TED
What the fuck!?

HARVEY
Remember pizzagate?

TED
The guy who thought there was a child sex ring in a DC pizza shop?

HARVEY
Yeah. Wrong pizza shop, and so much more than child sex.

Harvey stops to leer at one of the windows, then snaps back to the moment and continues down the hall.

Harvey (CONT’D)
People like me, we tend to travel. Whether we are in entertainment, news or government. We needed a… safe space, that was available anywhere we went.

TED
This is fucked up, even for me.

Harvey stops suddenly and turns to Ted.

HARVEY
Right now, this is the only place to hide, so just fucking play cool!

TED
Whoa. Lead on Kemosabe. We got shit to take care of. I’ll deal with all of this later.

Ted makes a clockwise pointing movement. They resume walking down the hall. The hostess opens a door and motions for them to enter.

HOSTESS
And what is your order?

HARVEY
What is vintage of the thirty-two tonight?

HOSTESS
Twenty-two year old Brazilian.

HARVEY
We’ll take that.

INT—CHUCK E.’s DEN SUITE—NIGHT

Harvey shuts the door, leans against it and slides to the floor. The suite is lit in a red light; small tables around the room are topped with buckets of ice with champagne nestled inside. Richard Cheese’s cover of NIN’s ‘CLOSER’ plays over the speaker system. Harvey begins to rub his groin.

TED
Fucking stop that!

HARVEY
Sorry, nervous tick.

TED
You mind explaining what the fuck is going on?

Harvey jumps up to an accusatory stance.

HARVEY
No! Why don’t you tell me?! You’re the one who seems to know so much. Who is this ‘inside man’?

TED
We don’t have time for this horseshit!

HARVEY (PARANOID)
You seem to know too much! This feels like a sting!

TED
Listen, I’m just…

Ted is interrupted when the door to the suite is flung open and a naked BRAZILIAN WOMAN is cast into the room as the door shuts behind her. She has a look of fear in her eyes, she notices one of the champagne bottles, lunges for it and smashes it to make a jagged weapon.

BRAZILIAN WOMAN
Não me toque os filhos da puta!

TED
Now calm down there honey; we ain’t lookin’ for trouble.

They circle each other in a tense standoff.

TED (CONT’D)
What the fuck is goin’ on!?

HARVEY
It’s the number thirty-two I ordered.

TED
What?! This is all kinds of fucked up! Can you at least keep her quiet! I don’t wanna get found out.

BRAZILIAN WOMAN
Chegue um passo mais perto e vou cortar seus testicais!

HARVEY
Don’t worry, the suites are sound proof. But I had to order something, or they’d get suspicious. Just, hold on.
(TO BRAZILIAN WOMAN)
Eu sou famoso. Eu posso te fazer um emprego.

The Brazilian woman calmy sets down the broken bottle and takes a seat.

TED
What the fuck did you say?

HARVEY
That I’m famous and I can get her work.

Just then TED’S PHONE buzzes as a new call is coming in and it is on vibrate. He looks at the screen.

TED
Here are your answers. I’ll put it on speaker.
(TO THE CALLER)
Yellow. You got Ted.

INSIDE MAN
Did you, get the package?

TED
Yes, I did. Safe and sound.

INSIDE MAN
Good. I won’t make this long. We don’t know who’s listening.
Meet at the rendezvous in 24 hours.

TED
Gotchya.

The call ends.

HARVEY
What was that? That didn’t answer no damn questions! Listen I’m a very impor…

Ted pulls his gun and fires a round into Harvey’s leg. The Brazilian woman smiles and claps.

HARVEY
You fuckin shot me! Why the fuck did you shoot me?!

TED
Cuz you’re a piece of shit. Now wrap that up and get some sleep. We got a long road ahead of us.

Harvey rips a piece a piece of his dirty tattered robe and wraps his leg. Ted plops down on the plush bed and tilts.

 

PART TWO