FROM: OFFICE MANAGER MOHAMMED

TO: ALL OFFICE STAFF

 

It has come to my attention that a large portion of the office staff has requested to use their time off during the INFIDEL holidays soon to be celebrated. Although it is official corporate policy to shut down the office during these BLASPHEMOUS AND SACRILEGIOUS RITUALS, I have received special dispensation from the corporate executives to keep our building open. I know that you, my hard working SLAVES staff will RECEIVE DIVINE INSPIRATION FROM ALLAH AND REJECT THE BLASPHEMERS WHO WORSHIP FALSE GODS! AS WE TURN TO MECCA THIS DAY MAY MUHAMMAD (PBUH) TRUMPET FROM THE RAMPARTS THE CONQUEST OF THE INFIDELS AS WE KILL THOSE STUBBORN WITH UNBELIEF!! YOU TREACHEROUS LOT, YOU IMPETUOUS SLAVES, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR LEISURE, IT IS THE TIME FOR GLORIOUS JIHAD!!

Also, whoever wrote “Halal-lelujah” in the men’s bathroom stall with the image of that UNCLEAN SWINE has been reported to the HR department Bias Response Team. We do not tolerate BLASPHEMY AND SACRILEGE in this office, and mocking THE ONE TRUE FAITH is unacceptable. For those FLEA BITTEN DOGS who have been snickering and giggling about that DEBAUCHED FILTH, THE PROPHET (PBUH) HAS DECREED YOUR DEATH! YOUR BLOOD WILL RUN THROUGH THE BUILDING AND INTO THE STREETS! THE GLORIOUS SOLDIERS OF JIHAD WILL TRAMPLE OVER YOUR CORPSES AND TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AS SLAVES!! ALLAH WILL WIPE YOU FROM THE BOOKS OF HISTORY AND SELL YOUR WIVES INTO BROTHELS!!!

Many thanks to Susan for the nice Ramadan party. Even though only three people were able to attend and Susan ordered A DISGRACEFUL AND IMMORAL lunch, the party was quite the CALL TO JIHAD! However, Susan has been let go by the HR Bias Response Team for catering a sandwich platter with INEDIBLE, FILTHY SWINE! DISHONORING ALLAH IN SUCH A DEBASED MANNER DISPLAYS THE FULL DESPICABLE NATURE OF THE INFIDEL!! THE PROPHET (PBUH) DECREES THAT THE SWINE EATING INFIDEL SHALL BE TIED TO A POLE AND GIVEN 50 LASHES FOR HER INTRANSIGENCE!!

We had a great “Bring Your Kids to Work” day thanks to Linda. However, whoever put my wife in the group of elementary school kids is a SCOUNDREL OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY BRIDE BY TREATING HER AS IF SHE IS MY CHILD!! YOU DIRTY BEASTS DISHONOR MY FAMILY AS IF YOU NO LONGER UNDERSTAND YOUR SUBJUGATION TO ME AND TO ALLAH!! YOUR BODIES WILL BE FLAYED OPEN AND HUNG FOR ALL TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE WHO UNDERMINE THE SOLDIERS OF ALLAH!!!

Finally, there have been some complaints about the attire worn by the UNBELIEVING WHORES in finance. Excessive exposed skin is AN AFFRONT AGAINST ALLAH! YOU SCURRILOUS WENCHES DESERVE NOTHING MORE THAN TO MEET AN UNTIMELY DEATH FROM THE STONE! YOUR ATTEMPTS TO DISTRACT THE SOLDIERS OF JIHAD FROM THEIR MEDITATIONS TOWARD MECCA ARE BEGGING FOR THE PUNISHMENT BEFITTING A JEZEBEL!! YOU WILL BE BEHEADED EVEN IF I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF!!! WEAR THE BURQA OR DIE A MOST PAINFUL DEATH!!!

 

Warmest Regards,

OFFICE MANAGER MOHAMMED

 

OMM/tm

 

BONUS FEATURE:

By Yusef Drives a Kia

OFFICE MANAGER MOHAMMED: Today We start on a new project, We shall build a minaret in the parking lot, so that We may Hear the Call to Prayer better.

Lead project manager: But we’re a software company

OFFICE MANAGER MOHAMMED:Allah wishes a minaret, We will build it, now Everyone grab all the unopened reams of paper and follow OFFICE MANAGER MOHAMMED.

After several ankle sprains and back injuries, the several hundred reams are assembled in a crooked, off center pile, about 20 foot high.

OFFICE MANAGER MOHAMMED: You, IT support INFIDEL, climb to the top and make the call to prayer.

ITS: It’s kind of high, do we have like, a ladder or something?

OFFICE MANAGER MOHAMMED: No, climb on your knees INFIDEL if Allah wills it you will get to the top.

IT support proceeds to carefully pick his way amongst the #20 bond and reaches the pinnacle, a bunch of post it notes bound with Scotch tape, and makes the call.

OFFICE MANAGER MOHAMMED: Excellent, you are assured your 72 Virgins

IT support: but I’m not a Jihadist.

 

OFFICE MANAGER MOHAMMED, cackling with glee, gambols to his waiting Mercedes 500 SL, and drives away at the approach of ALABAMA MAN, carrying a blowtorch and 5 gallons of gas.