Hello, and welcome to (what may be) the first in an on-going series of film reviews. These will not be your ordinary film reviews, oh no sir, for your humble reviewer is no ordinary cis-gendered heteropatriarchal man. Much as our dear friend the Derpetologist plumbs the depths of the interwebz to bring you only the derpiest in modern derp, I, too, am an explorer in dangerous environs. My particular faculty, however, lies in obscure, campy, poorly made, misunderstood, niche horror and sci-fi films.
Let us begin with the most recent horror film I have seen – Darin Scott’s Dark House. This appears at first glance to be a meaningless addition to the already rich canon of poorly acted, poorly written, cheap computer FX DTV (direct to video) horror library. However, as our parents should have taught us, looks can be deceiving.
Some scant years ago, at a small private orphanage, a small gaggle of children are butchered by their insane caretaker, who then takes her own life in suitably gruesome fashion. Cutting to the present, a group of acting students at the local community college are approached by haunted house impresario Walston Rey to act as a skeleton crew for a press run of his new haunted attraction. The attraction is, of course, located in the previously seen massacre house, which over the years took on a “haunted” reputation in the local community. One of the students, Claire, is strangely eager to go. It turns out Claire had a terrifying experience there, and her shrink thinks spending time in the house would unlock her repressed trauma. Unable to go it alone, she believes this will be the perfect opportunity to revisit the house in a safe environment. Thankfully for us viewers, her supposition about the safety of said house turns out to be hideously wrong.
Box cover. I swear, sweet 80s VHS box covers are a lost art. We will discuss this, AT LENGTH, in a future post.
The film starts off in a very paint-by-numbers fashion (for low-budget horror) and is saved by the timely arrival of Walston, played by the always delightful Jeffrey Combs. Seriously, I would pay money to watch Jeffrey Combs read the Calcutta phone book. Many of you may know him from his recurring roles in various Star Trek series, notably both as the Vorta Weyoun and the Andorian Shran. True horror connoisseurs, though, will always think of him as Dr. Herbert West in the immortal and perfect in every way Re-Animator. Since Mr. Combs takes the stage (literally) while in a scene featuring the entire rest of the cast, the immediately noticeable gap between his talent, and that of the remainder, is almost jarring. It is here that we are introduced to Claire, played by Meghan Ory. This Canadian actress’s screen credits are ample, if mostly guest shots on TV shows. She plays the role of slightly nutsy Claire adequately, if not with any great enthusiasm. When the rest of her class expresses skepticism, she has some wonderful meta-lines about how many famous actors got their start in low-budget horror. For our readers who may not be aware, this is an actual fact, and will perhaps be the focus of a future post.
Our intrepid team of would-be actors (and I do mean that in both an in-universe sense and in a real life sense) show up to learn their roles for the press opening of the haunted attraction. Something unnatural goes wrong with the computer controlling the effects and…well, if you’ve ever seen a horror movie in your life, you know where this is headed. Thankfully Mr. Combs is not the first to go, as so often happens in these sorts of films when they spend the money to trot out a fan favorite, but can’t really afford to give their character more than minimal screen time.
It is at the ending that the film makes its first real attempt to separate itself from the pack. Without giving away too much, what appears to be the closing scene contains a plotting element that comes just…this…close to being interesting and at least a little different. That is something that many of you have no idea how hard it is to find in this genre of film: anything different.
Creative Commons image that comes up when you search, “horror”. That’s right, I’m lazy. Screw you.
Unfortunately, the filmmaker then completely shits it all away with an extra few minutes that wake us violently from the beautiful dream of a low-budget horror film that doesn’t feel like one has wasted 90 minutes of one’s life in viewing, and plants us firmly back in the reality in which most low-budget horror films feel like you’ve just wasted 90 minutes of your life in viewing. A real shame, honestly. This was only director Darin Scott’s second film, so he may be forgiven for not having fully developed his instincts yet. That’s what a good editor is for. He later helmed several other horror films, which you can find on IMDB if you are so inclined, and also directed what I’m sure was an underrated classic, House Party: Tonight’s the Night. That’s right, a House Party sequel, in 2013. When I’m having a hard time slogging through a particularly bad horror movie, I can look back on that fact and remind myself that it could always be worse.
I award Dark House two-and-a-half Naked Asian Batmen out of five. 
Know who else is Canadian?
All of the worstest worst people on this site?
John Titor?
Krystin Pellerin, the woman who perfectly fulfills my newfie fetish?
What’s up with those eyes?
They’ve been inbreeding for centuries.
Hey now…
She’s from St. John. They’re all bastards there, not inbred.
Don’t care
Someone needs a nice bowl of ‘Holy Crap’.
http://www.canadianfavourites.com/canadian_cereals_s/1.htm
Damn, look at this:
Quaker Muffets
Fucking Canucks! They killed Big Bird and Cookie Monster and ate them in a cereal!
mummm, mummm, mummm…..
Barack Hussein Obama?
That didn’t have the ‘u’. I took it as the sound of Rufus casually munching on the poor cerealized corpse of Cookie Monster.
Yes, The Crash Test Dummies are also Canadian.
Must be all the sugar in that cereal
I thought this said “Dark Horse” and said,” how do they know where I’m drinking right now?!”
i should really get that breathalyzer…
Love Dark Horse.
A really great bar. It’s my new local.
THE FOUNDERS KNOW ALL.
But in more serious news:
Time Crystals
They are also the first examples of a remarkable type of matter — a collection of quantum particles that constantly changes, and never reaches a steady state
So, we don’t know much about these exotic structures, yet, but we do know what they appear to be female.
This is what we use in the Atavachron.
Haven’t actually seen that, but I want to. I love how he stole every scene he was in in DS9.
Didn’t he though? It was great. He’s done a huge amount of random work, including a great deal in horror, and I’ve never not liked him in anything I’ve seen him in.
Frighteners was excellent. The scene when he opens his shirt is just great.
He tends to do that, even when he’s just voice acting.
Oh yes. His voice is what does it.
I didn’t care for the Brunt character although he did it well… but my god Weyoun was incredible.
Damn right!
Every scene in which Garak was not present, you surely meant to write.
I’ve only seen Re-Animator on acid. Like twice.
Watching the philly toronto game.
Watching me some baseball classic.
Whats on?
Canada/Dominican Republic; Italy/Mexico.
Rangers here. There not at MSG so they’re not losing.
My roommate needs you to lose.
Really, he just wants the islanders to lose. Im a bruins fan. Saturday should be fun at the apartment.
The Rangers are really a strange team to get a handle on.
They are. Theyre very good 90% of the time.
Yeah but I’m gonna go out and say this may very well be Washington’s year.
Yeah it really will be who the caps face for the cup.
I’d put that at more like 70% but yeah when they suck, boy do they suck.
BS ref call – Rangers lose.
That did look like nonsense.
I had red wings tickets for Sunday and then they changed the game time from 12:30 to 7pm so I’m trading them, because work.
First Test: NZ vs South Africa
Fancy international stuffs
It’s Championship Week. All this weekend and the next 3 are reserved for college basketball.
Okay. About the review. On a scale of 1 to 10 Jason masks, how scary/gory is it?
I don’t even know. I sometimes like weird obscure movies, like Aronofsky flicks, or even more weird and obscure, like Harmony Korine. But horror has never been my thing. The writers who are closest to horror that I like are King and Clive Barker, and it’s more of their fantasy I like, rather than horror.
But anyway. I always have a story, and when I don’t, I will make one up. This one, I’m not making up.
I was staying at the home of a guitarist I knew after my first failed romance. Ok, it was my 5th failed romance, something like that. But I was all heartbroken and needed someone to hang out with to listen to my sob stories, so who better than a thrash metal guitarist who looked sort of like Lemmy from Motorhead, and whose band appropriately did Motorhead cover tunes. Also, appropriately, guy lived in a trailer park with lots of white trash girls. Who knew, I might get lucky!
So I’m hanging out and drinking with Lemmy and these kids were riding their dirt bikes around the trailer park and it was like 11PM. So Lemmy was getting pissed at the noise and decided to put a stop to it. Fortunately, he didn’t kill them all with his shotgun. Instead he somehow found a Jason like mask, a baseball glove and bat, and a can of gas. We went outside and he waited for them to pass and then poured a line of gas across the road, put the mask on and waited for them to come back around. Just before they rounded the corner, he lit the gas which made a short wall of fire, and stood behind it with the mask on and holding the baseball bat, thumping it in the glove on his other hand. I think it worked because they stopped and turned around and then we didn’t see them anymore.
I swear to god this is a true story. I have more!
I mean, it was better than Canadian baseball, amirite?
Question is…do you still hang out with him?
No, but I would. He was a good musician and had a wicked sense of humor. I mean, like the people I see at our local Wholefoods, he hardly ever bathed, but he was a lot more interesting.
Hyperion – Bitches about Canadians, basically hangs out with the Trailer Park Boys.
A shark never washed up on anyone’s street!
Also, those were American trailer park boys! It’s ok when we do it
Midwesterners who live in trailor parks are the bravest people in the world.
Have you ever seen what a tornado can do to a mobile home?
I lived in Ohio and Indiana for half my life. I’ve seen several tornadoes touch down. Trailer parks are like tornado magnets for some reason. You’re brave enough to live there in a solid house with a basement that has a storm cellar entrance. You sort of get used to it, but I don’t want to go back, ever.
In 2011, An F4 basically wiped the small community I lived in off the map. I lI’ve about 30 miles from there now. One of the first things I did after buying my house was construct a storm cellar. The violence and randomness of tornados is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I was lucky to be at work when my place was destroyed. I don’t know if I would have survived if I wasnt. 4 people in my area were killed.
http://m.arkansasonline.com/news/2011/may/25/tornadoes-cause-damage-areas-state/
F4 is some serious shit. I’ll never forget the 1974 super outbreak. There were like 3 days of that. I was just a kid and it was terrifying. Worst storms I’ve ever seen. I was less than an hour away from Zenia, Ohio when the tornado hit there. I’ve never had a really close up and personal with a tornado, luckily, but I’ve seen them on the ground several times, it’s some scary shit. Just the storms that generate them are scary enough.
I own a property in Indiana. My wife and I were talking about moving in there for a while, it’s a really nice property, but I told her, the first time you see one of those storms, you’ll be ready to leave and never go back.
me neither.
i respect it; i’m a huge movie fan, and horror was probably one of the ‘first’ genres to define popular film … people fundamentally like to be scared/grossed out. its a thrill.
it doesn’t do anything for me. i first realized it when i was like 10. my reaction ranges from boredom to mild existential depression.
5 Jason masks on gore, 3 on scary.
There really is the seed of a decent flick trying to sprout, but it just fails.
Thanks for the review @Gojira!
SO, just to confirm, we’re definitely getting a Zardoz review?
^This
Yep, later. I’m doing a lot of giallo over the next several weeks gearing up for Texas Frightmare Weekend, where Dario Argento will be a guest!
Every time I see your avatar, it reminds me of this:
Panic Station
I think we need more than that. We need a treatment for a Zardoz sequel
Well that goal fucking sucks
Just got back from the dentist. As I’m getting work done, a 60ish man about 5’2″, 100lbs sits down in the next dentist chair. (Same room, kinda disquieting). He’s got his face bandaged up and the dentist asks, “Sir, what happened? You’ve lost 2 teeth!”. The old guy slobbers out, “I got in a fight. I lost.” I almost choked to death from laughing as the lady cleaned my teeth.
5’2″, 100lbs,
That’s a pretty big dude where you are right?
There are smaller adults.
I remember when he had to teach Korean exchange students how to play hockey and baseball.
What they lacked in size and strength they made up in tenacious persistent. Jesus they were a nightmare to play against.
persistence
“Well now the flyers need to crush you, doom.”
This could be a fun series. But are you going to be answering fan mail?
For those still up, this is the dumbest thing I read today.
Proof That the Pharma Business Model Actually Wants People Sick
Pharma-funded “patient” groups keep drug prices astronomical.
A better title would be: regulatory capture hinders use of generic drugs
But I guess it makes for better outrage porn to pretend drug companies keep prices high because they want people to be sick,
Is that a Scientology site?
Alternet are commies, of the particularly hysterically incoherent variety.
From the comments,
Americans still don’t understand the basic, glaring conflict of interest inherent in a profit-driven healthcare system.
A healthcare system in which certain people make money from other people’s sickness inevitably leads to profiteers seeking to increase sickness rather than cure it, simply because it’s more profitable to do so. There is always more money in merely treating the symptoms of an illness rather than curing it.
This is why the only feasible healthcare system is a universal single-payer system or public-option that lets people choose public healthcare, which will always cost less than private healthcare, since private profit adds 25-50% to basic healthcare costs.
Oh my the derp. I cringe when I read shit like this.
Yeah, that’s pretty retarded to say the least.
OP :
The Economist :
I love how “profit” suddenly changes people’s motivation when they work for a “non-profit” and therefore have to spend everything they earn. Certainly could never be any perverse incentives in such a structure, could there? Healthcare workers, including hospital administrators and plastic surgeons, are all virtuous healers.
Single-payer law. Because not one lawyer does anything worth more than minimum wage.
Yesterday, one of the inmates (in the prison mental health department waiting room) was complaining about what a terrible president Trump is and how America should have “free healthcare”. Some direct quotes: “Socialism WORKS!” “Canada has NO problems with their healthcare system!”
A few minutes later, she actually started bitching about having to wait so long and saying that “nobody in mental health does their damn jobs”. I don’t think she realizes that she lives in a socialist utopia right now.
“Americans still don’t understand the basic, glaring conflict of interest inherent in a profit-driven healthcare system.”
But you could say that about literally any industry, couldn’t you? Every single industry is there to remedy some kind of unfilled desire. According to this person’s screwy logic, the government should take over EVERYTHING because there’s a conflict of interest when people profit from an unmet desire.
It’s funny, because they’re *so close* to expressing the broken window fallacy, but they haven’t quite made the final step. It’s like they don’t quite get that the first pharma company that develops a cure for the common cold that results in, shit, a 50% success rate, is going to be rich as Croesus. And then, because companies are owned by investors, instead of just flogging the same cold cure and hoping nothing happens, they’re going to take that money and invest it in something else that will be profitable, i.e. desired by consumers.
They’re so stupid it hurts. When you see that there are groups of people whose self-interest motivates them to create things other people want and do things other people want done, how do you not recognize how powerful a force that is?
You should try explaining to them that the group most opposed to weed legalization are the police and prison guard unions.
I’ve tried explaining to lefties how police unions are a great contributor to the continuation of the drug war and unjustified shootings of black people (plus people of every other race). I’ve tried explaining that having a prison guard union is basically the same thing as a for-profit corporation operating prisons.
Their reactions have been bizarre. They don’t really dispute that these unions are a huge problem, but they just hem and haw about it before reverting back to their old leftist talking points about “institutionalized racism” and the horror of someone making a profit from incarceration.
I also have a love for horror movies – especially from the 70s – but prefer to watch the trailers since they are usually better than the movie.