Of all the stories in the Bible, the story of Phineas is probably my favorite. It has it all: plague, badass gods, wizards, executions, intercourse, more executions, complete confusion, and random violence. It’s all about what ISIS wants to be when it grows up.
Phineas was the grandson of Aaron (who bore a striking resemblance to John Carradine), and thus the great nephew of Moses (who later became a spokesman for the NRA, but that’s a story for a different Bible). As a youth, he was distinguished by his zealotry, that being a euphemism for “crazed killer wrapping himself in religion.” He first comes to our attention with the Heresy of Peor.
The HoP was a bit of a complicated issue: it all started during the 40 Year Hike from Egypt to Israel with a wizard named Balaam. Balaam was hired by the King of Moab to curse the Jews. The King of Moab later went on to be the deputy chair of the DNC. Whatever, Balaam went up on a mountain (people seemed to do that a lot in those days) to do some sacrifices as part of the curse thing, but in a senior moment, he accidentally blessed the Jews. Don’t ask.
Anyway, realizing his mistake, he went back to the King and said, “This cursing shit is all well and good, but if you really want to stick it to Yahweh, what you need to do is get some pussy involved. The women you’ve got here, they’re some pretty fine shiksas, and Jew men cannot resist the lure of the shiksa. That’ll put ’em on Team Baal Peor!” The King thought that this seemed to be a pretty good idea. And what do you know, pretty soon, the Jews were banging Moabite women and worshiping Moabite gods (“Hey, bow down to Baal Peor or no nookie tonight!”).
This pissed off Yahweh something fierce, so he instructed Moses to grab the ringleaders and hang them, which he did with a combination of dispatch, glee, and rope. Now here’s where things get confusing: everyone was worried about the Moabites, but suddenly, the worry is about the Midianites. No explanation beyond, “Well, both names start with the letter mem.” OK, they didn’t even explain THAT much. Maybe it was just shitty copy editing when the Bible got assembled. But whatever, Jew men will fuck anything that’s not wearing a mezuzah and a sheitel, so who cares, bring on the Midianite babes!
Further confusion: apparently the still unmollified Yahweh started a plague which killed like 24,000 Jews, but no one seemed to think that this was worth writing down. Or they were scared to, because a pissed off Yahweh is not a good thing if you want to remain plague-free. Enter Phineas. He found out that there was a VIP from the tribe of Simeon named Zimri, who had a hankering for the strange. Zimri picked up a Midianite woman named Cozbi (or Cosby, which would be fitting) and took her back to the tent for some special desert hummina-hummina. I assume that, being experienced desert wanderers, they had worked out a system to avoid sand in the vagina, but the Bible is rather quiet about those details.
Phineas went to the Love Tent and saw Zimri and Cosby going at it like crazed weasels. Moses knew that this was an issue, but seemed hesitant to act. So Phineas, being a doer and not just a thinker, did what any of us would do in the same situation: he took his spear (which he had snuck past the Hebrew version of TSA, disguising it as a cane) and ran it through both of them. One of the disadvantages of the missionary position is that it really takes only one good spear thrust for both participants to die, but in the heat of the moment, they hadn’t really given this much thought, despite knowing that the homicidal nutbag Phineas was out and about. Phineas, being a lifter stud on the order of Warty, then used the spear as a bar, Cosby and Zimri as plates, deadlifted them, and carried them out of the tent.
Now with Jew-Midianite shishkabob on the menu, Yahweh smiled and stopped that plague that no-one wanted to mention. Phineas got onto the promotion track, pulled together an army, killed a shitload of Midianites, managed to pull this off with no Jewish losses (if you don’t count the 24,000 Yids offed by Yahweh and the newly-ventilated Zimri), and eventually got promoted to High Priest.
Don’t you just love a happy ending?
Comments
149 responses to “Jewsday Tuesday”
You’d think killing Jew on Midianite couples would get you in trouble with צִפוֹרָה
I figured the jewsday post was the one about the bank. Looks like its a double header this week.
Gojira may be a Jap but he’s no (((Jew))).
I come from a long, proud line of giant radioactive Japanese Jews.
I can talk with so much phlegm in my throat, it manifests as flames.
Cool, but where was Ferb?
A few more weeks and I’ll be ready for my Bar Mitzvah.
Three Muslims from the Indian subcontinent who grew up in Norway perform a dance to a Thai pop song in a style originating from African-American culture while wearing hats symbolic of Chinese culture.
This is the future liberals want.
I have to confess, I kinda want that too. I say that as a Jew living in a Mexican neighborhood who listens to jazz while making Chinese food.
Cultural appropriation. Throw a hundred hail Mary’s, or something
+1 aaron rogers
Go Pack!
Incorrect, I see nothing that represents Amerindian culture, and that’s problematic.
It’s hard to tell behind their masks, but they’re also drunk.
As a man descended from the Metis I find your comment offensive regardless of its accuracy. I have contacted the Canadian Human Rights Tribunal and their death squad is on their way to your compound.
Molon Labe!
The Canadian Human Rights Tribunals don’t have guns, eh?
They bore you to death.
I’m confused. I thought liberals were opposed to cultural appropriation.
It’s reference to another meme, and if you scroll down far enough in the link, you’ll see a picture of Gojira and his wife.
I thought it was exactly the future “liberals” don’t want. Whole lot of cultural approbation there.
I suppose liking this is how I get my cosmo cred, no?
Wearing a style popularized among Russian chavs.
Can you have Russian chavs? I thought Englishness was part of the construction of what made a chav a chav.
The term you’re looking for is gopnik.
I dunno why this doesn’t work for me as well as the British underclass does. Russian slumming trip aborted.
I have no problem with that. They can dance as much as they want to whatever they want. Suits me fine.
As for the ‘this is the future the liberals want’ crap, it’s crap. It is the future the useful idiots think they are ushering in. This is what they will actually get:
http://warisacrime.org/node/40133
But if their friends don’t dance, then they’re no friends of mine.
They used to be men without hats; now they’re men without jobs!
+1 whatever Simpsons episode that was (Bart wins an elephant?)
Obligatory
WHAT’S THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
That psychos gain power?
If the tent is a flailin’, don’t come impalin’.
He was the first Jason.
If you recall, Jason did the same thing in Friday the 13th.
I confess that this totally cracked me up. I wish I had thought of it and put it in the story.
I find that people often say to me, “I confess” or “I hate to admit it” that made me laugh when I tell a funny. You know, it kind of stings.
*Mopes around, muttering*
Anyway, I like to think these Jew stories unfold in this manner:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqtOM03M8co
“The Winking Horse” was my nickname in college.
I saw no death or sex in that. Fake (((News)))
Every IWithout the government, who would protect us from theives?RS drone that was involved in one of these instances needs to be in prison for life.
Now there’s a new way to fuck up a link!
Interesting, you didn’t fuck up the link, you fucked up everything AROUND the link.
Keep it up, we might name a posting fuck up after you.
Warrening already has a meaning. It’s just too perverse to be discussed even in this company.
Pretending to be Native American is perverse?
SugarFree signal lit!
What the hell are they talking about? The vast majority of structuring seizures were legally obtained funds? Who the fuck cares? It isnt about that. It’s about seizure. The IRS took people’s money. That is all they care about.
I Love your Bible stories! I hope you’re collecting these. Great stuff:)
It’s not the same without felt cut-outs of the characters stuck to the wall as was the way in my youth.
You’re supposed to make them
Savages are gonna savage.
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/cops-gang-members-suspected-in-slaying-kidnapping-had-satanic-shrine/
I heard about this via someone who lives in Houston. Some little La Muerte group was operating there but none of the news orgs will report it as such. This shit happens more than we hear about, mostly south of the border but a few here as well.
It is funny to me that many modern westerners read about phineas and his ilk but dont see the connection because BIBLEWORDOFGOD.
The fucked up part is not the killing or the shrine, it’s the fact that these scumbags can hold a girl for two weeks in a motherfucking apartment in a major city without anyone noticing.
I was thinking the same thing. One argument in favor of sanctuary cities is that it will allow illegals to report such crimes to the police. But then, Houston is a sanctuary city, so I guess it didn’t work so well here. I wonder if the girl is one of those unaccompanied minors.
phineas and his ilk
Wasn’t Phineas the good guy here? Did I miss the part where Phineas didn’t get laurel-ed and a hearty promotion? Seems the BIBLEWORDOFGOD connection was made quite well by the Satanic spics.
That was my point. Primitive people with primitive religions behave similarly. The injuns down in Bolivia (and I suspect many places in LA) are still doing ceremonies with animal masks and making human sacrifices. It is still going on in the ME as well.
My bad, I thought you were accusing non believers ( your ‘modern westerners’) of ignoring the lesson because ‘BIble.’ I grok your conceptual continuity now.
Your columns are much more fun than Hebrew School was, OMWC.
There seems to be a copious amount of (((them))) on this site. I was told this was the evil yokel alt-right site, and I feel ripped off.
I’m more of a (((Yankel))).
I wonder how the alt right squares their supposed worship of Trump with the fact that his son in law and right hand man is (((one))). Has anyone asked them?
They’re some of the good ones.
Yes, it does make you wonder about this alt-right. They are everywhere and nowhere all at once.
I seem to recall from Spencer’s article about Trump winning the election that he merely represents a return to a ‘more sane’ perspective in terms of ‘race realist politics’, but in the long run he’d be a very weak and ‘moderate’ politician in Spencer’s fantasy Valhalla uberReich/Nietzsche misquote fan club. Bear in mind, that’s just Spencer, he doesn’t represent the entirety of the alt-right.
There are how many people in this alt-right? I haven’t gotten a solid definition of what the alt-right is. Aside from this fruitcake Spencer I haven’t seen any held up as examples. How many followers does Spencer have and how much influence?
The alt-right is in the same class as the Russians who stole the election.
I wouldn’t go that far. The alt-right does actually exist.
How many followers does Spencer have and how much influence?
About two dozen followers, and zero influence.
Underestimating the alt-right’s appeal is a poor strategy in my mind, their positions are very emotionally manipulative and tribalist and are obviously attractive to a certain kind of shitbag.
I don’t underestimate them or overestimate them. I don’t even consider them. I just remember the stupid picture of them doing the “heil Hitler” salute at one of their get togethers that made a big splash in the news. There was what 20 people in the picture?
I do not doubt there are many shitbags that buy into the race realist or whatever they want to call themselves. I have seen their comments on line. They are no political force though. They can live under their rock and fuck off as far as I am concerned. When they start telling me how to live my life, then I will care about them.
When they start telling me how to live my life, then I will care about them.
And that’s what I’m concerned about. With (what I see) as the likely rise of a vague nationalist populism in the 21st century, libertarians need to be willing to recognize and challenge alt-right ideology. Not just by simply screaming “YOU’RE RACIST”, but to actually provide coherent criticism of their ideals. Because I think they’re going to piggy-back onto the populist surge.
likely rise of a vague nationalist populism in the 21st century
Yes, that is a good point. Nothing good can come of that if it goes beyond mere patriotism, go team stuff. And I do see the race realist douche bags getting on board with that.
I think the nationalist populist dogma is a bigger threat as it relates to a free market rather than race though. I might be shallow in my thinking there. Who knows.
Meh. I’ll give a shit when they’re beating up people in the streets like antifa is doing. Until then I have bigger fish to shoot.
Alt-right exists, but in two forms: one, you’ve got the old school race realists on stuff like VDare and Radix (i.e. Spencer’s group, also associated partially with Jared Taylor, but he rejects their anti-Semitic positions). This ‘alt-right’ are the ‘race realists’, i.e. the racial tribalists. They number in probably the couple of thousand worldwide. Outside of their race tribalism a lot of their views are vaguely incoherent, because they’re a collection of race-based political theories rather than a coherent philosophical ideal. For example, Spencer hates Christianity because of its universalist elements, but other members of the alt-right see it as the only religion of the ‘white race’.
Then you’ve got the the ‘new’ alt-right, i.e. the more general populism being espoused by people supporting Trump (Milo is an example of this) with a bit of a European cultural supremacist angle. This is a much more vague and ill-defined group.
You’re correct in the sense that the only reason they’ve come to be discussed is because fucking Clinton threw them into the mainstream, but they have existed for an extended period and are not exactly happy-fun-times.
How does the first one differ from old-fashioned white supremacy?
@Fatty It does only in slightly different ways, it tends to be (hilariously) a lot more ‘inclusive’ than historical white supremacy (for example, the Irish and the Slavs are apparently whites now) and some ‘race realists’, like Taylor, openly admit that they see Asians as a superior race to whites (not a majority opinion). In general they constantly say they’re not white supremacists, but instead just want some kind of white homeland, and then constantly bitch and moan about ‘white genocide’ because of mixed race couples.
I keep hearing people refer to this alt-right as if it is some kind of political force to be reckoned with, as if it were sweeping the nation taking over. I dont see it. What I do see are typical conservatives and libertarian types being lumped in with racists in order to delegitimize them. This is being done because that is the real threat to the pinkos…but an actual alt-right? Yeah you can find a few of those kinds of nutbags around but the movement as a whole belongs in the same set as the GoldstienNaziBigfootLizardPeople crowd. They dont warrant a mention.
I once asked for examples and the secret nazi haircut was explained to me. I googled and the first thing I got was a lot of handwringing hysteria with a photo of Brad Pitt sporting a secret nazi haircut. I looked at the date of the photo and…yep…his haircut was for the movie Inglorious Bastards. The whole alt-right thing is laughable. It is a boogeyman conjured up by the left to try and cajole people into avoiding any kind of conservative or libertarian position. In other words – complete bullshit.
*No offense meant to Mr. Lizard
I keep hearing people refer to this alt-right as if it is some kind of political force to be reckoned with, as if it were sweeping the nation taking over. I dont see it.
That’s because they don’t exist, at least not in that form. If you want to know what the actual alt-right is, feel free to read Radix. That’s the core alt-right, and libertarians should be willing to challenge and argue against their positions. Because I think they’re a growing mass in Western culture largely as a product of progressive idiocy, and we will have to deal with them sometime in the future.
Since white supremacy or it variants used to be fairly powerful in this country, of course we want to keep an eye on it so it doesn’t flare up again, and to tamp it down when it does.
Conservatives and libertarians are well-placed to do this, since (apart from the cosmos) they don’t seem to have a compulsion to call everything in the world racist, thus making the term meaningless.
Thus, unlike the progressives, conservatives and libertarians have the credibility and the intelligence to distinguish actual white racism from the made-up kind.
Progs, on the other hand, have used up their “anti-racist” vocabulary to denounce mild federal budget cuts and cartoon frogs, so they don’t have much credibility when it comes to critiquing white racism.
@ John
I doubt this is something we will have to deal with seriously in the future. It will be a passing fad for the vast, vast majority of people. When ordinary people see the ugly face of it up close they will shun it.
Also, this notion of a white homeland..absurd. They are already trying to separate out the ‘other’ and peole who do that are doing it for the sake of that. Like all revolutions that can never end the white homeland would have to purge itself of undesirables…never endingly. The whole thing will implode.
I am not worried.
Frankly, @Suthenboy, it is less an concern of your generation, and more a concern of my generation.
Yeah, I’d agree a bit more with John T. The left has made identity politics central to their core, and the white nationalists are just the flip side to that.
That’s the beauty of the alt-right; it’s whatever you want it to be. You just have to put a Pepe in somewhere in newsletter.
I forgot about Pepe. I hav to hand it to the 4Chan crowd. They troll the shit out of the left. It’s like watching someone tease a dog into chasing a laser light.
(((THEM!!!)))
Very interesting.
Balaam was hired by the King of Moab to curse the Jews.
I have been to Moab. Lots of filthy hippies there. Good biking though, and the Canyon Lands are something to see.
That’s new. In my Utah days, all the hippies lived in The Avenues in SLC. Me among them.
Those are the uppity hippies who bathe that live in SLC these days. Posers.
Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers for the mother-lovin’ win, OMWC.
My dad turned me on to Wonder Wart-Hog when I was about 10 or 11. So I’ve been a Shelton fanatic ever since.
This is the 2nd fucked up Bible story by OMWC that I have read and enjoyed. I like the way you explain those children’s Bible stories in a sort of Clive Barker type way. I can read more of this.
You might enjoy this
*features death-metal and bears
A Class 3 smiting, lol.
Crikey, there’s a fucking owl/hawk war going on outside. Never heard any this like that before. Must be a territorial thing.
film it! hurry!
It’s almost dark. The owl is really loud, I was about to close the window, but they stopped now. Hopefully, they were fighting over the last bits of squirrel left.
When I lived in New Mexico I would awaken to the sound of flapping wings and loud screeching only to have my cat burst through the cat door moments later at mach 1 with an owl hot on his ass. My assumption was it was a burrowing owl but it could have been a great horned one as well. He never did get caught but he obviously took it seriously cause he hauled ass home every time it happened.
Isn’t that the moral of OMWC’s story? The great horned ones picking up someone else’s pussy.
There are barred owls. I haven’t seen the hawk yet, only heard it.
Are you sure? This is the time of year that owls like to fuck. Nothing makes more noise and commotion than owls making baby owls.
Yes, I’m sure. One of the owls was a hawk, 100% sure.
My sister thinks owls are creepy. Apparently it has something to do with the movie The Fourth Kind….
eh, they look very different without the feathers.
My wife thinks they’re creepy as well. They come really close to the house and sit and look at us. When I’m outside and they’re close, I keep a tennis racket in my hand. They’ve been known to attack. Try that shit with me and they’re going to regret it. Baked owl sounds yummy.
Owls are not kosher.
Well, I’m not Jewish, so it’s ok.
At least have some respect for the article you are on, man.
Well, I was trying. I live in a community that is probably like 80% Jewish, and I think some of the women have nice asses, does that count?
This story is bullsht. When does he go around the world in 80 days with some goofy Spaniard?
I thought he tilted at solar panels?
Pass part two was a frog.
I thought Cantiflas was Spanish but he was a Mexican.
And in the movie yes, he was a frog. Sleazy little fuck.
I was literally going by the book, however according to Wikipedia I was wrong. Passepartout is actually an agent of the Eridanians, a race of aliens hiding on Earth and opposed to the Capellans, whose servants include Captain Nemo and Professor Moriarty.
Goofy Spaniard.
Don Quixote?
What’s brown, furry, sleek, agile, and hangs with Don Quixote?
Sancho Panther.
If it rides in a tank it’s Sancho Panzer.
Too soon?
Who is Spanish, loves little kids and hangs with Don Quixote?
Sancho Pederast.
Who is getting an article here next Friday?
Sancho Panda.
What did Don Quixote, watching football, yell at his dead beat room mates when he went to get a beer and he saw them reaching for his snacks?
Sancho nachos!!!
You know what kind of mustache Don Quixote has?
Dirty Sancho.
And this is a perfect example of why OMWC isn’t allowed to tell the bedtime stories to the grandkids.
isn’t?
I thought it had something to do with the terms of his probation.
When in the fuck did The Federalist turn into MRA bullshit?
I’m all for free speech and the 8th amendment, but uttering the phrase “the friend zone” should be punishable by slow torture. I feel the same way about it as I do the word “problematic”
Also this, which is … I’m not even sure what it is, to tell you the truth.
Christ sake that guy made up strawmen inside of his strawmen. That’s gotta be some kind of new level of logical fallacy.
That asshole also wrote this article:4 Ways Pornography Hurts The Environment And National Security
Also: Dustin is a lawyer for the federal government. He has an LL.M speciality in international and operational law.
That’s why all lube should be biodegradable.
And taste like bacon
https://www.baconaddicts.com/products/bacon-lube-bacon-flavored-personal-lubricant
Who the fuck starts off an article with dictionary definitions and uses two different dictionaries for successive definitions? If you’re going to do that retardation, why not just use the same dictionary for both?
Trolling. He also wrote an article explaining how pornography is a threat to national security.
Bombs away
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/f5/1c/7f/f51c7fb8c2f91c1a4c4af75c9440ee65.jpg
Pr0n is a threat to national security in the same way global warming is. That is, in the bullshit way.
I am assuming this guy is trolling, because otherwise it’s pretty obvious this dude DESPERATELY wants to fuck a female acquaintance of his.
Chris Rock said it best when he said “Guys don’t have female friends. We have women we ain’t fucked… yet.”
You buried the lede:
“We need more white people like me,” says Hans Fiene’s haircut.
On his Twitter feed, Harsanyi points to the worst sort of cargo-cult science evolutionary psychology study that if it didn’t flatter his preconceived ideological notions, would have been savaged by him and his ilk.
He must get along well with Ron Bailey.
I’m just not sure exactly who are these men who don’t have friendships with women. I mean, how far along are you on the spectrum to not have a single female human you consider your friend?
Just because I would does not mean we are not friends.
Whoa. Cargo cult hardly covers it.
Wasn’t the last Bailey article bemoaning his missing immortality by one generation? I try so hard to like Bailey….
If I was the husband or father of a member of his congregation, I’d be more than a little worried about his pastoral work.
“I am Hans Fiene, sex machine. Come ladies, frolic in my intense and totally-not-made-up manliness. Smell my pheromones. Give in. Give in to The Hans.”
Always check out the New York Times for accurate political prognostications – you can’t go wrong.
WaPo putting the grey lady on blast. That’s some good shit right there.
Also
You know who else was once a demi-god of reactionary extremists?
Mithras?
Prometheus, of course.
Huey Long?
Theseus?
Barack Obama?
Bill Ayers
Me?…