You, yes you, <user_ID>, should unload your problems, concerns and worries about life and love on us so that we might advise you.
Is your spouse a progressive? Has one of your orphans picked up Das Kapital and a concerning amount of facial hair? Do your coworkers know that you’re a lunatic gun nut and avoid inviting your to their children’s birthday parties?
Tell us your woes and help us help you!
Send your submissions to advice@glibertarians.com today! (Letters may be edited for length,
[It won’t be me, but the solution to your problem may be a 55 gallon drum of personal lubricant for $1,468.80 on Amazon now. The staff makes no promises. –jesse.in.mb]
Comments
97 responses to “A Little Help From Your Friends”
Will it ever stop?
Thank you in advance for your response.
Yes. Google “heat death universe”.
Good to see you here, R C. I was upset to see you leave H&R.
Well I thought I had a problem, but the Amazon link fixed everything! Thanks Jesse!
“the solution to your problem may be a 55 gallon drum of personal lubricant ”
Now you can’t just keep giving that out as an answer, darn it!
“Dear Jesse:
I am currently trapped in the middle of a small West Africa nation, leading a convoy of desperate needed medical supplies. Unfortunately, our gears have become dry and damaged as time as gone on. Is there anything that we can do to improve the lifespan of our transmissions?”
Dear Jesse:
My daft child has gotten her head stuck in the railings of staircase again and we’re all out of lard. My grandfather was a good libertarian and forced a team of artisanal wood carvers to carve the bannister by hand from now extinct trees and we’d hate to damage this heirloom. Is there a way to get her unstuck without damaging the wood?
I’d submit a letter, but I think I have to check my privilege first.
A *ahem* friend of mine has a question about answering a question his pregnant wife asked him. She asked “I don’t think I’m getting big enough for the baby, do you think I’m big enough for her?” How
do Idoes he answer that?“You’re having a baby, not a litter. Now, where’s my sammich, woman?”
Danger!
Alternatively.
If it’s the first baby, she’ll get bigger much more slowly than if it were a second or third baby. On our first, my wife stayed pretty small until month 7, and then blew up.
Oh, wait: Was she asking if her ass is getting fat?
Pics?
Wait for the pics until after the hooter fairy visits. Fun times.
Lol, she was actually telling me exactly that today. Something about tight abs and stuff. She just has a little irrational fear on occasion and asks questions like that. I usually assuage her fears by telling her that she has gotten YUUUUUUUUUUUUGE. It’s a wonder she hasn’t killed me.
Yes. It takes until much later in the pregnancy for the abs to distend.
A girl at work announced that she was pregnant. After everyone got through exclaiming and congratulating, I said. “Oh, thank God… I just thought you were getting fat.”
Oh no you di’int!
I got punched in the arm but it was worth it.
You don’t. You look around dramatically, exclaim “Did you hear that?”, and run away.
“My planet needs me.”
*trashmnstr disappears out of frame*
Away!!!!!
Some women carry “in their back”. I know, it sounds like something off ST: Voyager. Tell her to just enjoy it, it means she can wear proper clothes longer than most and still have guys check out her ass.
Here’s a handy diagram.
Hopefully that doesn’t dick it up – any chance we can get TinyMCE buttons for replies?
greasonable is working on something to assist with formatting replies. I can’t really say more than that.
IIRC healthy weight gain during pregnancy is only about 12~15lbs. Stack her on a scale and vary your response accordingly, fat shame as appropriate.
Seriously though, overweight is a huge risk factor for birth complications.
She’s a fitness trainer, so she’s on track weight wise. It comes in fits and spurts, and that causes her to have irrational fear. According to the mid-wife, “you’re pregnant for the first time, you’re allowed to worry about your baby.”
As there is a lot to worry about for new parents, that is the expected and probably appropriate answer from the midwife. I assume you’re looking to minimize c-section risk and it sounds like your old lady will be on the low end of that risk. Nothing good comes from them, unless of course you need one. I know mine was pretty far into the pregnancy before she really had to modify her workout.
I think I may have racist and misogynist thoughts. What should I do? Volunteer somewhere? Do a detox? PLEASE ADVISE!!!
Spray paint your opinions on the nearest mosque or battered women’s shelter. Very cathartic.
Write a manifesto expressing your opinions online, and then find your local Norwegian summer camp.
Get it out of your system: Imbibe Gin. Find a fat-bottom negro woman to romp with.
What’s the Column’s name gonna be?
Shut up, stop your bitching and moaning, here’s a Sacagawea dollar, and polish my monocle.
polish my monocle
These euphemisms are getting entirely predictable.
“Make Somalia Great Again”
Burning Sensations
STEVE SMITH HELPING
God help the poor soul that comes to you guys for advice. They need help about seeking the help that they need.
If anyone is thinking about giving up booze, I can certainly talk them out of it.
Why would you talk them out of it? Have them give it to you, or at least to me!
It’s going to be worse than you think. Trust me on this.
Nah, I doubt it will be worse than what I think. Remember where I’ve been.
Newark?
*rises to begin prolonged ovation*
How is babby formed?
How girl get pragnent?
Can I get pregnant in my butt?
I can’t stop laughing.
those yahoo answers are great.
Of course, Jesse’s “solution” to every problem is going to be to go gay.
“It won’t be me” someone else is doing the column. I’m just putting out the call for questions. AND providing you with alt-text when nobody else will. Because I’m a mensch like that.
Although going gay immediately solves all of the “my wife/girlfriend” and “pregnant” questions.
That’s “pragnent”, thanks.
+1 How is babby formed?
No, it’s pragernant.
I’m pretty sure there’s a question about that out there.
Maybe, but it opens up another set of alimony, child support and equitable division problems
Your website has the momentum of a run-away freight train. Why are you so popular?
Wrong way on a one-way track.
Dear Glibertarians,
I have a rival, let’s call him Johnny. For decades now I’ve been trying to best him, but he’s just too good. He’s a master of disguise, an expert escape artist, and exceedingly good at handball. That’s not to mention his intimidating combover and toothbrush mustache.
Can you please kill the Kraut bastard?
Patriotically yours,
Feathered & Frustrated
I like listening/reading libertarian views on things, but all two of the websites I go to for that have no edit button. How am I supposed to fix errors in my posts when I don’t spot them until after I hit post?
YOU FUCK OFF, THAT’S HOW
/needlesslyantagonisticguy
Don’t make errors.
geet gud scrub
Um…I’ve had this erection for 240 minutes…
Sounds like you need to fuck on.
You need to call your doctor. AFTER you call every girl you know.
Well as long as it hasn’t been like that for 4 hours, you’re fine.
Have you tried Deflazacort?
So I will advertise once again that one of my favorite comedies is on Netflix. Mystery Team is well worth a watch.
Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Do you feel that I can see your soul?
Your avatar makes me giggle.
Youtube pallas’ cat, and giggle for awhile longer
Can I be the glibertarian resident bachelor? And drunk? Is either position available? Or both? I feel like being a sot should be worth something.
I’m the brains, you’re the looks, Charlie’s Wildcard.
resident bachelor
THAT’S OUR WORD, SHITLORD.
But yeah, go for broke. I’ll expect your first daily column Monday on whether or not you did the dishes or picked up the random piece of garbage in your hallway that you’ve walked past six times already.
I assume you’re the sort of gay who pales at an unclean bathroom. Mine would appall you. You’d not think toothpaste dribbles would accumulate into potential substrate for animals with vertebrae, and to judge by my sink, you’d be mistaken.
My (lady) roommate doesn’t believe in cleaning. I’ve gotten pretty good at taking a deep breath and not hosing the entire house down with bleach on the daily. Our sink stays pretty clean just because whenever I shave or trim my beard I clean the sink.
At some point today I’ll make breakfast, do all the dishes including the containers she’s left “soaking” since Tuesday while she idly watches television in a hedonism bot recline. She will bring her breakfast dishes into the kitchen just as I’m drying my hands and look helpless.
On the upside rent is absurdly cheap, so I can’t really complain.
I’m grateful my bathroom’s private. I’d feel guilty otherwise.
Confusing turn of events:
Roommate: Hey thanks for making breakfast, I’ll do the dishes, most of them are mine anyway.
I wonder if she’s lurking.
The call seems to be coming from… inside the computer.
Yeah, that’s my apartment.
I thought you people owned the southern term “gentleman batchelor”?
Dear Glibertarians,
How do I most effectively erase Teen Vogue from the face of the earth? Because I have blocked their accounts everywhere I can, and yet I am still inundated with adulating sycophants subjecting me to their Wokeness via individual link posts or just saying their name over and over and over. Drastic measures may be required at this point. Please advise.
MLW
It’s okay we’re a safe space from that stuff here.
Troll them hard by pretending to be one of them, while simultaneously insulting them in clever ways. If they start to suspect you might be a member of the “alt-right”, they’ll start actively blocking you.
Perhaps we should ask how this misfortune befell you to begin with? But anyway, say these magic words: I’m a libertarian.
Being a YA author and attempting to interact with other authors on a professional level leads to a lot of involuntary derp ingestion.
Travel back to 1892 and kill Arthur Turnure, duh.
Not all of us are time travelers, Mr. Titor.
Well you’re not trying hard enough then. All you need is dual micro-singularities and a car with standard drive.
ah yes, the famous magazine edited by a twenty- year old who learned everything from Tumblr. It really just proves that if you give someone a title suddenly they get granted authority among the progs, even if she’s obviously ignorant of anything but parroting the stuff she’s been fed. It’s all such a shallow circle-jerk.
How do I change a tire?
-someone from somewhere else
Take the tire to therapy. It might take a while, and the tire has to really want to change.
Change comes from within.
Make sure to cover the wee-wee when you remove the diaper. You don’t want to be peed on.
Why do you want to change the tire? Its beautiful just the way it is.
With a lot of hair gel and a lot of wokeness