Author’s note: Florida Man is a super-villain whose worthless minions are always causing him to run afoul of the law and press.
Florida Man regained consciousness in stages. With his eyes closed, he took stock of where he was. Industrial mattress, no sharp pain or fog of painkillers. Must be jail. Shit. Jail again. You’d think a guy who made meth for a living would take care handling product, but apparently not.
Florida Man had paid a lot of money, too much really, for the formula to the actual MK ULTRA drug. Exposure to which places its victim into a state of hyper-suggestibility for several minutes followed by about 12 hours of zombie-like attempt to comply with those suggestions. Finally, his useless minions would be able to execute simple commands like “go to the store and buy food” without getting themselves arrested for something stupid like road rage. “Note to self,” he said, “do NOT use anyone to formulate the compound if they insist on calling it a recipe.” That meth guy claimed to have helped make GHB for a biker gang, but if so, he must have done so by staying outside.
Sitting up, Florida Man found himself in a cell alone. Either the… whichever county… sheriff had finally started according him respect as a super-villain or this was going to be a bad one. Hearing footsteps coming up the row, FM came to the front of the cell. Coming up the line was the biggest, widest redneck FM had seen since he tried running a tutoring camp for football players too dumb to graduate from Florida high schools. This did not help Florida Man narrow down where he might be, except it wasn’t a Caribbean island. As the CO passed Florida Man’s cell, the redneck stopped for a second and looked down on FM with sparkling eyes. “Boy,” the CO said, “I jus’ want you to know that if was up to me, I’d let you go free. You was jus’ expressing an opinion. Except at that jew’s house, but he weren’t even there and you didn’t even try to steal his jew-gold. Like a jew rabbi can’t afford to lose a bottle of vodka once in a while. ” Palm Beach county uniform. Okay, at least he knew who to call for bail.
“Could I…” Florida Man swallowed hard, “Could I see the papers?”
“Sure, Boy. I’ll have that little black trustee bring them with your breakfast.”
Shit. Shit. That fucking knuckle-dragging, no teeth, white trash, loser meth cook had been ranting about a white ethnostate and the problems with “joos and mooslems” as he was bringing the formula out. The compound must have spilled. What in the Hell had FM done during his fugue?
About ten minutes later the trustee came down the line with breakfast. And the newspaper. This was going to be tough to explain to some of his foreign backers.
Comments
85 responses to “Florida Man Episodes I”
Second!
First?
Now this is the sort of fresh content that’ll keep me paying subscription dues!
We told you that last price increase would be worth it!
My brother’s writing out an American Express travelers check to cover the past due subscription fees.
…
I’d better check up, see how he’s doing, see I have to sign it too. I usually sit in the car and write it out on the glove compartment lid.
…
*runs to car and drives away*
Thank you. My kid and I have been watching movies from my youth. That one will be next.
Agreed! Though I was wondering, if we cancel our subscription do we have to return the monocle and top hat?
YES! A story that needs to be told.
I can’t wait until Florida Man, Warty Hugeman, and the Hat and the Hair all join forces in the manner of Marvel’s defenders.
They’ll be the villains in Wonder Woman II: The Glibening.
Don’t forget Libertarian Woman, whose powers of invisibility and non-existence make the group indestructible!
Seriously, that would be a great character. Go for it.
Expressed as a white, floating feather a la Forrest Gump.
I don’t think we can handle it.
“LATEST: Florida man breaks into rabbi’s house, drinks his vodka”
And now we know why the rabbi drinks.
Normally, when you see a giant alligator in your bathroom, that’s how you know you’ve been drinking too much.
But that won’t work in Florida, where alligators appear in the bathroom whether you’re drunk or sober.
I’d rather deal with that then those giant Australian spiders. Fuck those things.
Drop. Bears.
OT: Sorry, just the first time I have ever seen this particular type of derp in the wild:
From the comments – “Strange how it’s the “statist” societies that have the highest standard of living. We’re still waiting for Somalia to be the world’s most prosperous nation.”
Stupid people, stupid comments…
It’s just shitposting. The article doesn’t mention anarchism or statism.
I’ve got to learn to rein myself in so I quit wanting to go into rants.
A doctors visit costs like $5 in Somalia. Now that’s “Affordable Care”.
Vox headline: “Alt-Right Publication, FEE, Doesn’t Like Toy Story”
Strange how it’s the “statist” societies that have the highest standard of living.
Lessee, close to the top of that list would be:
(1) Communist China
(2) North Korea
(3) Cuba
(4) Venezuela
Sure you wanna make that claim, commentderper?
Those are not truly “statist’ countries and they lack the right top men, duh!
The focus on the “unseen” goes over way too many peoples heads.
Because regional warlords and Islamist terrorist organizations all claiming and trying to seize the monopoly position of power that comes with being a “state” is like totally anarchism and not at all statist.
I LOLed, fairly heartily. Great ideer!
BREAKING: Pelosi questions Trump’s mental fitness, calls him “Bush”.
This has not been a banner week for the Senate Association of Geezers, Grumps and Yobbos.
Link?i want to lol
It was live, and I was reading a string of alerts that came over my desktop…I’ll share a link when I get an alert that the video has been posted.
She has already done this a few times in the last few months, and I remember finding this linked at some site where they asked out that if she had if she had any handlers or help to makes sure she wouldn’t keep doing this.
Here she sez “BOOOOOSH!”
(holy fuck, she’s stupid)
Nice wristband. Did she just get back from a pickup 3 on 3 game at the Y?
To be fair, TRUUUUUUUUUUMP and BOOOOOOOOOOSH are indistinguishable to leftist ears.
Here she sez he’s unfit.
Very nice Brett. On a related note. I had to catch a snake in the pool this morning that my pit bull was barking at.
I second FM’s comment, except for the pit bull and the snake part.
See, my snake stays in it’s terrarium, and the pitbull hardly notices it.
It was a ring neck. Probably the biggest one I’ve ever seen.
These euphemisms.
So, Friday?
It was annoying because I had to make a liquor run before work and it took me awhile to catch him because he kept swimming to the bottom of the pool.
I’m disappointed that you didn’t go in after him
*hangs head*
Liquor run… before.., work? How did you go to work? Doesn’t the cap just “come off” in the car?
Mine killed a three-plus foot racer in their yard a couple weeks ago. Fortunately, being pits, they lose interest immediately when something stops struggling, so when they kill shit in their yard (usually lizards), at least they don’t eat it.
When I moved to Tucson, I was killing rattlers every month or so on our property. Then I stopped seeing them, and spotted a huge (probably six foot, and stout) rattler crossing the road near the house. I think he ran off the little ones. I figure as long as he’s the only one, I’ll leave him alone.
The pest control people might have also stopped dumping captured snakes near you.
We live within a half mile of a national park, just off the foothills of the Catalinas. We have a never-ending supply of pack rats, snakes, javelinas, you name it.
At least you don’t need to buy meat at the store.
The dog I have as my avatar kills everything that moves in the backyard. This one only survived because he jumped in the pool.
I need to borrow your snake RC.
Body count so far: 3 possums, 2 cats, 4 copperheads, 1 coon, 3 garter snakes, countless lizards…..
My catahoula is a stone killer.
When we lived in Florida, a snake attacked our dog in the backyard once. Not poisonous, at least.
Beautiful.
I imagine florida man to be pretty normal while sober.
That’s his secret; he’s never sober.
Florida man, SMASH!
Secret?
Regular people sober, or Florida Man sober?
Florida Man sober means he’s still drunk off his ass but stopped doing meth.
Thanks, Brett. Nice way to build suspense.
She forgot to say after 8 years of Obama and the left’s weaponization of government only to turn it over to trump I guess.
Jeremy Corbyn:
Thanks Hugo Chavez for showing that the poor matter and wealth can be shared. He made massive contributions to Venezuela & a very wide world
https://twitter.com/jeremycorbyn/status/309065744954580992
And this asshole gained seats in the last election. Civilization is so fucked.
OT: Glenne Headly dead at 63.
Too young. I enjoyed much of her work.
Shit. I was only talking about her yesterday with a coworker who hadn’t seen Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
Meh.
One of my all time favorite movies.
well shit… I liked her.
I mean, at least they’re reasonably attractive, for Brits.
ermmm, apparently they will.
That’s a flight to Ibiza. NOT representative of the Brit population as a whole.
I think they’re representing the chav/douchebag population pretty well.
Ryanair a leader in inflight entertainment? Never thought I’d say that.
The first thing the Hillary! people did after blowing the election was inventing a story about Russians hacking the election. I know some of you already read Shattered, but for those of us who haven’t it’s useful to see it.
What is funny about that is that Obumbles had just proclaimed that the Russians were unable to have any effect on our elections.
It just amazes me that people keep yammering on about Russian hacking even though its right out there in the open that the whole thing was made up by Hillary, and even Obama thinks its ridiculous.
The whole thing is a cover story for a Deep State slow-mo coup. And the Deep State is so entrenched that even Comey reflexively and without a moment’s thought breaches his employment agreement and likely several laws to do Deep State shit like keeping internal FBI memos after he is fired and leaking them to the press through a cutout.
A Facederp friend just “checked in” from this place: “Leahy Center for Lake Champlain”.
I had never heard of it before. Fuckin-a, I hate politicians. “Let’s name some shit after ME, but use other people’s money to do it!!”
When I become Supreme Head Bitch in Charge, I’m-a name everything “The Mrs. & Mr. John Q. Taxpayer Center for Awesomeness”
I would vote for you based on that promise..
Except sewage plants. I eagerly look forward to the “John McCain Center for Shit-Filtering”
Are you going to make them show up? Or are they less able to take a joke then Dave Barry?
Someone’s already producing your campaign swag.
You shut your mouth, Lahey was a respected member of the community.
“It’s gonna be a shitcenter, Randy! A shitcenter for the whole shitlake”