Chapter VI
INT—HALLWAY–THE MEDOWS—NIGHT
Orderlies and nurses move through the hallway cleaning up the damage Ted caused during the escape. I nurse kneels down to attend an injured Chris, who suddenly sits straight up.
CHRIS
Tingles!
Chris gets up and walks out of the hallway like the Terminator.
INT—CHUCK E.’S SUITE—DAY
Ted wakes, groggy. He rubs his eyes and notices the Brazilian Woman sleeping on a couch, Harvey is standing over her masturbating.
TED
Fuckin’ stop that!
Harvey is startled, he turns to Ted.
HARVEY
Come on! Ya gotta let me finish! I don’t want to walk around all day wit blue balls!
TED
Well, yer fuckin gonna. Now put yer dick away, and let’s get movin’. We got a six-hour drive ahead of us.
HARVEY
Where we goin’?
TED
Hollywood.
HARVEY
I can’t go back there. I’ll get recognized!
TED
Don’t flatter yerself. Your name is famous, not your dumbshit face. And that is the rendezvous.
HARVEY
Fuck you! I’m fuckin’ famous!
Ted stands up, walks over to Harvey and punches him in the gut. Harvey doubles over, Ted pats him on the back.
TED
I don’t fuckin’ care. Now go out to the truck and wait for me.
Harvey stumbles to the door holding his gut and exits. Ted looks down at the naked Brazilian Woman sleeping peacefully. STRANGLE HOLD begins playing over the soundtrack.
EXT—CHUCK E.’s DEN HALLWAY—DAY
Ted emerges from the room in slow motion as the soundtrack continues to play STRANGLE HOLD. He pulls his gun and begins to shoot down employees in the hall. He kicks down doors in the hall, to reveal perverts in all kinds of disgusting situations and he guns them down: An old man in tightie-whities holding an over-sized lollipop, leering at two young crying boys in sailor suits BANG; A naked man painted all blue drawing numbers on screaming teenage girls BANG; a black guy dressed as a skeleton molesting an asian schoolgirl with an ass so big she can’t stand straight BANG; a man wearing nothing but a Trump wig with two ladyboys dressed as Hillary and Huma wearing MAGA hats BANG; A man with a handlebar mustache humping the OSU mascot BANG. The final room is simply a portly man-eating bacon and vaping, confused Ted leaves him be.
EXT—CHUCK E. CHEESE—DAY
The building is on fire. Ted exits the building followed by a horde of sex trafficked individuals he has freed. He walks up to the Truck and gets in.
INSERT of truck tires burning rubber. The truck speeds out the parking lot and down the street.
Chapter VII
EXT—CHINESE THEATER—NIGHT
Ted’s truck pulls up outside the famous theater. Ted and Harvey exit the truck. The area is cordoned off with police tape. A body lies on the ground while a coroner takes photos. Two policemen stand near the police tape, Ted and Harvey walk up to them.
TED
Eh, officers, what’s going on here?
OFFICER 1
That shitbag Kevin Spacey got killed.
OFFICER 2
Yeah, it was a typical mugging gone wrong. Two shots to the head, from like a thousand yards away with a fifty-cal.
OFFICER 1
The mugger musta been scared off. He didn’t take nothin’.
OFFICER 2
But this piece of shit deserved it, for allegedly maybe hitting on a kid 30 years ago. Asshole.
A girl who is clearly a pre-teen approaches the police line, both officers walk over to her.
OFFICER 1
Hey baby, you gettin’ too close. Maybe we’ll have to pat you down.
OFFICER 2
What’s a pretty girl like you doin’ here, eh?
OFFICER 1
(GRABBING HIS OWN CROTCH)
I think I feel a loaded weapon!
Ted and Harvey move away from the cordon.
TED
Shit!
HARVEY
What?!
TED
Kevin Spacey was my inside man!
HARVEY
What?! Everyone knew he was a fuckin’ fag!
TED
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
HARVEY
Cuz…people like you…you’re homophobic…which means you’re bad…
TED
You got damn piece of shit! Can you stop virtue signaling for one damn second! We’re fucked. He was my contact. What the fuck do we do now?
HARVEY
I…what about…no…Oh!…no…I do have one friend who could help. Just follow me.
TED
Fuck that, I ain’t goin to no damn Chuck E. Cheese again!
HARVEY
No, this guy is more..upscale. How long will it take to drive to Illinois?
TED
No! No! No! We can’t trust him!
HARVEY
He isn’t who you think he is.
Harvey turns in a huff, twirling his tattered robe and heads back to the truck. Ted Takes off his hat and hits it on his knee.
Chapter VIII
EXT—OBAMA’S CHICAGO HOME—NIGHT
Ted’s truck hops the curb and stops in front of the gated house. Armed Secret Service agents guard the compound. Ted exits the truck and silently takes out the guards with karate chops and choke holds, clearly showing no deadly use of force. As Ted and Harvey approach the house Barack can be seen through the window, sitting in the study. Ted uses military signals to direct Harvey, who just shrugs and waddles towards the house carrying the grappling hook. Ted winds the grappling hook around in the air and launches it. Harvey climbs on Ted’s back and they silently, in comedic form with Ted wincing under the strain, ascend the structure.
INT—OBAMA’S CHICAGO HOME-BEDROOM—NIGHT
Ted and Harvey tumble through the bedroom window, awkward and in a comedic fashion.
HARVEY
Stop fuckin touchin’ me!
TED
You’re the one fuckin touchin’ me!
They engage in a slap-fight, then a door squeaks. The door opens just enough to paint a thin triangle of light across the room. Slowly a dark menacing shadow encompasses the sliver of light. A dark, hulking shadow. Then, the squeaks and squawks of a shortwave radio and the fuzz sound fill the air.
RUSSIAN
приходите в агента. да.
A pause.
RUSSIAN
приходите в агента. да.
Harvey begins masturbating, Ted slaps him. The sound is louder than Ted anticipated. The hulking shadow from the next room turns and bursts through the door.
HARVEY
Michelle! Great to see you!
Michelle stands hulking in the doorway. Without her wig and fake breasts in place, it is very clear she is very masculine (Terry Cruise in a dress).
TED
What the fuck?
MICHELLE
Harvey?! What the fuck are you doing here?
She readjusts her penis in her skirt and steps menacingly forward.
HARVEY
The plan has gone to shit.
MICHELLE
I know.
TED
What the fuck?
HARVEY
Ted and I are just trying to straighten things out.
MICHELLE
You weren’t supposed to make contact!
HARVEY
How the hell did you let things get so out of control?
TED
What the fuck?
MICHELLE
You were supposed to handle her!
HARVEY
I tried, I really thought we could do this Vegas thing.
MICHELLE
That wasn’t part of the plan.
HARVEY
But if it worked, it woulda been perfect.
TED
What the fuck?
The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs interrupts the conversation. Harvey and Michelle both move to stop Ted from making any sounds.
BARACK
Uh…Honey…what…uh…is going on? I…uh…thought I…uh heard a…uh…noise…I’m scared.
Michelle clears her throat in a very masculine way, then in a slightly higher pitched sort of feminine way speaks.
MICHELLE
It was nothing. I just had some gas.
Ted tries to speak but Harvey and Michelle both put their hands on his mouth to muffle his voice.
TED
hhmtfk?
BARAK
Ok…uh…But just in case I uh…am going to uh…snuggle with my uh…Eleroo doll.
The sound of his footsteps trails off. Ted tries to speak once again, but his voice is still muffled by the hands of Harvey and Michelle.
TED
hhmtfk?
Michelle cocks her fist and punches Ted out cold.