Among the odder Jew things is a ritual called “The counting of the omer.” It’s a very important ritual because something something something. OK, it’s not, but it’s commanded in the Torah (Leviticus 23:15 and 16 for you beforeskinned types) so when Yahweh says, “Do it,” you do it. Otherwise, there will be a plague, which seems to be Yahweh’s favorite hobby.
First obvious question: what’s an omer? I’m glad you asked, because I was prepared with an answer. It’s a unit of volume, analogous to a bushel, but much more Hebraic. In days of yore before the Temple got wasted, the priests there were recipients of all sorts of pelf, given to propitiate Yahweh- if you think televangelists begging for contributions claiming that the money is for God is something new, you’re a few millennia late to the party. One of the perks was omers of barley or wheat, which were required to be delivered daily between the second day of Pesach (which we talked about last week) and the first day of Shavuot (which we’ll talk about in 6 more weeks). Since pelf needed to be accounted for (Jews are punctilious about their graft), the priests developed a ritual, rituals being job security for them. Each day of that period, the supplicants would deliver the grain, then recite a prayer which ended in best Sesame Street fashion, “Today is x days, which is y week(s) and z day(s) of the omer,” with x, y, and z being sequential. The priests would then accept the grain as a gift to Yahweh, and go do some baking. Or maybe the Levantine equivalent of risotto, if they were smart. Being a priest was equivalent to being a GS-14 these days, short hours, easy work, lots of bribery opportunities, great pension.
Now, once the Temple was destroyed, what to do? This becomes a complicated story, involving certain schisms within Judaism (Pharisees vs. Sadducees, which ended up being Patriots vs Browns), deserving of a stand-alone story, and it is a story I shall surely tell when I’m not on assignment and have to keep things brief (“assignment” being “setting up cameras in the elementary school bathrooms, purely for security reasons”). But the result was the recitation ritual remained, the priests (who trended Sadducee) were cut out.
Oops, wrong pic. Siri, I said “omer” not “Omar.”
Now, this is indeed brief and boring, but even as pressed for time as I am, I can’t leave you without a small dose of death and destruction. This involves the legendary Rabbi Akiva, an uber-Pharisee who in retrospect reads like Ayatollah Khomeini. Despite the counting of the omer looking like an accounting function, the tradition is that these are days of mourning. Why? Because Akiva lost 24,000 students in either a plague or war deaths fighting Italians- it’s unclear which. If it was Italians, self-explanatory- Akiva was deeply involved in the Bar Kochba revolt against the wops, which went about as well as you’d expect. If it was a plague, it was Yahweh getting his divine panties in a holy wad about some rule or other that everyone wasn’t slavishly following. Yahweh was often a dick about stuff like that.
So because of the 24,000 ambiguous deaths, the omer-counting period is (with the exception of one day, more about which, later) treated as a period of mourning, which means no music, no sex, no shaving, mirrors covered, no TV. Being a Jew ain’t easy. It seems like every week, we’re losing 24,000 of us.
Next week, with more time on my hands, I’ll tell you gentiles about the Sadducees, the Pharisees, how they relate to constitutionalism, and how fighting over graft can really fuck up a religion. In the meantime, say your prayers and note that this is 8 days, which is 1 week and 1 day of the omer. And yes, you can actually buy an app to remind you of the daily count. Jews, smdh.
Ever watch one of those short flies where everyone converges, then stand around looking at one another as the ball drops neatly between them?
So you’ll excuse the thinn of today’s Links. Speed and necessity overcame quality.
This was a total bummer to see. Heap is, by all accounts, a fine human and was a great player, proving that the two are not mutually exclusive.
Let’s assume arguendo that there exists an attorney who has never disproved swirling rumors about his relationships with farm animals, but instead used the civil court system to bully people who offended him. This is totally hypothetical and is not meant to represent any real person, living or dead. Let’s also assume that such a hypothetical attorney weighed in on the Outrage du Jour. Let’s further assume that his analysis looks solid. I would guess that if such a hypothetical were true, the analysis might look something like this.
I am generally not in favor of important diplomatic posts being filled by appointments totally driven by politics, but sometimes you gotta make an exception.
The holiday most goyim know about is Hanukkah, mostly because it drops in the calendar at the same time as their big-deal holiday, Christmas. Too bad because Hanukkah is not only a lame little thing, it’s something no-one ever paid attention to until American Jewkids started whining about converting to Christianity because of the presents. Fuck Hanukkah, the real analog for the goyish holiday where everyone gets together, sings songs, drinks, and has family fights is Passover, or more correctly Pesach. And Pesach is a kick-ass holiday with a great back-story. The general backstory is pretty well known, and if you haven’t seen the sprawling epic The Ten Commandments, pour a few drinks and take in the splendor created by that notorious Jew, Cecil B. DeMille.
Unlike most other Jew holidays, Pesach is not synagogue-centric, but mostly home-based. It centers on a large ritual meal called a Seder (Hebrew for “order,” which generally does not describe real Seders). Because the Seder is a ritual, there is, of course, a guidebook, in this case, called by the euphonious appellation “Haggadah.”
The most obvious way that Pesach kicks ass is, not surprisingly, drinking. Part of the Seder ritual is the consumption of at least four glasses of wine per person, not including what you slurp down during dinner. This includes the kids, and until you’ve seen a shit-faced 8-year-old grab his Aunt Minnie’s tits and yell, “HONK! HONK!” you haven’t really experienced Pesach. The kids usually pass out shortly after this, which reminds the adults of why this requirement was traditionally put into the ceremony. The order in the Haggadah tries to space this out a bit, but the kids will still end up blowing a 0.15 BAC.
Highlights of the ritual include singing songs of praise to Yahweh for killing a bunch of Egyptians. But hey, we show our sorrow by spilling a drop of wine for each of the Ten Plagues. 100,000 dead Egyptians, 10 drops of wine, seems fair. The fun part is intoning the names of each of the plagues as the drops are spilled- we do it in Hebrew because “Dom, Tsvardayah, Kinim, Arov, Dever..” sounds much cooler than chanting, “Blood, frogs, flies, darkness, cattle disease…”
There’s a lot to choose from in the ceremony, but without a doubt, the best part was The Four Sons. Each son (with one exception) consisted of a question, which was then answered at length. Before you assume, no, the sons weren’t Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo, but rather Chachem (the wise son), Rasha (the evil son), Tam (the stupid son), and She’eino Yodaiah Lishol (the son who is too naive or young to ask a question). The questions start with “(son’s name), what does he ask?” or in Hebrew, “(son’s name), ma hu omair?” followed by the son’s question and the answer. For example, “Tam, ma hu omair? ‘What’s all this?’ You answer the dummy by saying. ‘Yahweh sprung us from Egypt and killed a shitload of them.’” Or something like that. I have a sentimental attachment to this ritual because inevitably when the reader started with “Rasha, ma hu omair?” (the evil son, what does he say?), everyone’s head would turn to look in my direction.
The answers to the remaining three of the Four Sons’s questions are pretty much what you’d expect. To the Evil Son’s, “Why do you even bother with this” the answer is to punch him in the mouth and tell him, “it’s because of what Yahweh did for me. Not for you. I’m not sure what the fuck you’re on about.” To the Wise Son’s, “What are all the laws, rules, and histories here?” you answer, “OK, hope you’ve got a few minutes, this is a long story…” then tell him all of the odd little rules and practices, interspersed with a history lesson. The Son Who Is Too Naive To Ask, well, just answer the question you wish he had asked, and tell him that Yahweh kicked 16 varieties of ass and sprung us from slavery.
The other fun ritual for the kids is the Ransom of the Afikomen. Y’all know about matzo, right? It’s like a large Communion wafer with even less flavor. Early in the Seder ceremony, a matzo is broken into thirds, and one of the thirds is wrapped up and set aside. Because we have a different word for everything, it’s called an afikomen, which loosely translates as “dessert.” Having a piece of matzo for dessert is just one more way we like to fuck ourselves over. Part of the ritual demands that the afikomen be used to end the meal and that the ceremony can’t end until the afikomen is eaten. So we train our kids to recognize a business opportunity, and they ritually steal the afikomen and hide it, demanding a ransom payment to produce it so the adults can finish up the ceremony and drink more wine (two glasses are supposed to follow the afikomen consumption). Our favorite hiding place was in my grandfather’s filing cabinet, under “A” for “afikomen.” We were not the most creative of children. In any case, the kid’s grubby little hands are greased with lucre, the afikomen is produced, and many Hebrew and Aramaic songs are sung.
Theoretically, the Seder of 1971 has not ended, because our Dalmatian sniffed out the afikomen hiding place and ate it while we were all busy opening the door for Elijah (who was, as usual, a no show). The Bible and the Talmud make no mention of what to do in these circumstances.
Unfortunately, all things Pesach have gone sharply downhill since I was a kid. Let’s start with the Haggadah itself. In the finest American mercantile tradition, the overwhelmingly most common Haggadah was published by… Maxwell House Coffee. Just about every American Jew Family had a set of them, typically stained with wine and food from previous years. And really, they were quite good, having both the traditional Hebrew/Aramaic text and on the facing page an English translation. For very common prayers, there was even a transliteration of the Semitic so that the benighted few who hadn’t attended Hebrew school could join in.
But, given that the main religion of contemporary American Jews is liberalism, you can predict what happened. Yes, they “revised” the Haggadah. A mere few thousand years of tradition cannot withstand the onslaught of Social Justice Warriors. The New and Improved Maxwell House Haggadah is “inclusive” and “gender neutral.” The Four Sons has transmuted to “The Four Kinds of Children.” And sometimes a Fifth is added, the oppressed child. Yahweh is no longer a King, he xe is a Monarch. Yahweh is also no longer a Father, but a Parent. It takes a lot to de-ball Yahweh, but the SJWs managed.
It gets worse.
One of the Pesach rituals is an unattended glass of wine for the prophet Elijah, just in case he shows up. Think “milk and cookies for Santa.” The SJWs, of course, find this intolerably sexist, so put out TWO cups, the other one for Maryam, mother of Moses. Because you never know.
Woke Jews will place Fair Trade coffee beans on the Seder plate to symbolize… something. They will also place an orange on the plate, not as you might think to symbolize Donald Trump, but to honor LGBTQ3M# Jews. Because Biblical Era Jews were all about tolerance and acceptance of homosexuality, right? If you’re going to do social signaling, might as well get Vitamin C with it.
Alternative Haggadahs are a big deal now. Here’s the Four Sons told in the Earth Justice Haggadah (I am not making that up!):
The Wise Child: This child knows that climate change is real and that they must act to combat its effects. The Wise Child has read that global temperatures and sea levels are rising every year, that more species are becoming endangered, and that more communities are experiencing extreme weather events and decreased crop viability. The Wise Child sees all this and is motivated to combat climate change in any way they can.
The Wicked Child: The Wicked Child has read about climate change and is aware that scientists predict a whole range of negative effects if we don’t reduce global carbon emissions. But the Wicked Child doesn’t think the issues caused by climate change apply to them. They believe climate change will only affect the poor and the vulnerable in places they will never visit. They remain unconcerned.
The Simple Child: The Simple Child is overwhelmed by the idea that humankind could be radically altering the entire face of the earth. They don’t believe it’s possible that scientific predictions are accurate. This child simply ignores the evidence that the problem is real at all.
The One Who Does Not Know How to Ask: This child is much more like The Wise Child than we may typically imagine. The One Who Does Not Know How to Ask has also read about climate change and knows that environmental degradation and the effects on the global population are a real and present threat. Unlike The Wise Child and much more like the Simple Child, this child is overwhelmed. How is this possible? This child might ask, How can I, alone, prevent this global catastrophe?
If Global warming isn’t your fashion statement in social signalling, you can also have Haggadahs centered on Conflict Minerals, LGBTQ (make sure you read the new prayer, “We’re Rainbow Folk” and have that orange out), Unions, Palestinian Arab issues (what’s the blessing for suicide bombers?)… anything on the Progressive menu. Fuck the actual meaning of the holiday, we have to show solidarity, resist, make our voices heard, and no better way to do this than by refocusing Pesach on our own moral preening.
OK, so what do we need to do here? My personal opinion is to troll troll troll. Wear a MAGA yarmulke. Bring along a BLT, toss it on the Seder plate, and point out that it’s just as traditional as the Fair Trade coffee beans. Blow out all the candles, pointing out that they’re contributing CO2 to global warming. Grab Maryam’s cup, lament that they didn’t fill it to only 70% of Elijah’s, chug it, and yell, “OK, grab her pussy!” Ask loudly, “How do you get a Jewish girl’s number” and when you get blank looks, roll up your sleeve and point to your arm.
Your problem of what to do for next year’s Progressive Seder will solve itself.
Of all the stories in the Bible, the story of Phineas is probably my favorite. It has it all: plague, badass gods, wizards, executions, intercourse, more executions, complete confusion, and random violence. It’s all about what ISIS wants to be when it grows up.
Phineas was the grandson of Aaron (who bore a striking resemblance to John Carradine), and thus the great nephew of Moses (who later became a spokesman for the NRA, but that’s a story for a different Bible). As a youth, he was distinguished by his zealotry, that being a euphemism for “crazed killer wrapping himself in religion.” He first comes to our attention with the Heresy of Peor.
The HoP was a bit of a complicated issue: it all started during the 40 Year Hike from Egypt to Israel with a wizard named Balaam. Balaam was hired by the King of Moab to curse the Jews. The King of Moab later went on to be the deputy chair of the DNC. Whatever, Balaam went up on a mountain (people seemed to do that a lot in those days) to do some sacrifices as part of the curse thing, but in a senior moment, he accidentally blessed the Jews. Don’t ask.
Anyway, realizing his mistake, he went back to the King and said, “This cursing shit is all well and good, but if you really want to stick it to Yahweh, what you need to do is get some pussy involved. The women you’ve got here, they’re some pretty fine shiksas, and Jew men cannot resist the lure of the shiksa. That’ll put ’em on Team Baal Peor!” The King thought that this seemed to be a pretty good idea. And what do you know, pretty soon, the Jews were banging Moabite women and worshiping Moabite gods (“Hey, bow down to Baal Peor or no nookie tonight!”).
This pissed off Yahweh something fierce, so he instructed Moses to grab the ringleaders and hang them, which he did with a combination of dispatch, glee, and rope. Now here’s where things get confusing: everyone was worried about the Moabites, but suddenly, the worry is about the Midianites. No explanation beyond, “Well, both names start with the letter mem.” OK, they didn’t even explain THAT much. Maybe it was just shitty copy editing when the Bible got assembled. But whatever, Jew men will fuck anything that’s not wearing a mezuzah and a sheitel, so who cares, bring on the Midianite babes!
Further confusion: apparently the still unmollified Yahweh started a plague which killed like 24,000 Jews, but no one seemed to think that this was worth writing down. Or they were scared to, because a pissed off Yahweh is not a good thing if you want to remain plague-free. Enter Phineas. He found out that there was a VIP from the tribe of Simeon named Zimri, who had a hankering for the strange. Zimri picked up a Midianite woman named Cozbi (or Cosby, which would be fitting) and took her back to the tent for some special desert hummina-hummina. I assume that, being experienced desert wanderers, they had worked out a system to avoid sand in the vagina, but the Bible is rather quiet about those details.
Phineas went to the Love Tent and saw Zimri and Cosby going at it like crazed weasels. Moses knew that this was an issue, but seemed hesitant to act. So Phineas, being a doer and not just a thinker, did what any of us would do in the same situation: he took his spear (which he had snuck past the Hebrew version of TSA, disguising it as a cane) and ran it through both of them. One of the disadvantages of the missionary position is that it really takes only one good spear thrust for both participants to die, but in the heat of the moment, they hadn’t really given this much thought, despite knowing that the homicidal nutbag Phineas was out and about. Phineas, being a lifter stud on the order of Warty, then used the spear as a bar, Cosby and Zimri as plates, deadlifted them, and carried them out of the tent.
Now with Jew-Midianite shishkabob on the menu, Yahweh smiled and stopped that plague that no-one wanted to mention. Phineas got onto the promotion track, pulled together an army, killed a shitload of Midianites, managed to pull this off with no Jewish losses (if you don’t count the 24,000 Yids offed by Yahweh and the newly-ventilated Zimri), and eventually got promoted to High Priest.
I always count on HuffPo for understanding science. Bill Nye, the actor who pretends to be a scientist, is waiting outside with handcuffs for Curry and Christie, actual scientists. And all is not smooth sailing in Nye-land.
If we had built that wall, this would not have happened. OMWC approves.
This undated photo released by the Tennessee Bureau of Investigations shows Elizabeth Thomas in Tennessee. The Tennessee Bureau of Investigation said it remains “extremely concerned” about the well-being of Thomas, a high school student who was last seen Monday, March, 13, 2017, in Columbia, Tenn. (Tennessee Bureau of Investigations via AP)
Despite my interest in and open-mindedness about other countries and cultures, I’m not one who could be described as a “cultural relativist.” There are some cultures which are just superior to others. And here, let me look toward the Middle East.
Jews vs. Muslims. Sorry, it’s not even close. Gather a bunch of hot women in the army and Jews will put them in bikinis and set up an Instagram account.
One of my insufferable Facebook friends posted about a social-signal dinner he flew over to Paris to attend, the theme of which was dishes from countries on Trump’s “banned” list. Because: “This is what people in decent, kind, intelligent countries do. Thus: not ours.” We certainly have work to do before we reach this level of kindness. And what France needs is common sense hammer control regulation.
The concept of moksha is characteristic of Hinduism, and may be attained in many ways. This may not be one of them.
Missing children numbers in DC have been declining, so we need to Do Something. Break out the milk cartons! The government is on the job!
I want these right now!
Folks who don’t live around here are likely unaware of the wonderful, junky deliciousness that is Wisconsin Cheese Curds. I’ll put in a plug for the ones from Culver’s, which are approximately 153,000 calories per serving, and absolutely irresistible. But besides imminent heart attack and stroke, they carry their own particular brand of insidious danger. (Warning: autoplay)
Nice rack!
Every once in a while- rarely, but not “never”- something positive for liberty happens. And this time, it happened in one of those flyover states. This is a state that our local Hate Radio guy ranted shouldn’t exist. And he was being serious. I can’t decide which is my guiltier pleasure, Culver’s cheese curds or Hate Radio. Anyway, celebrate this in an appropriate way, like randomly firing guns in the air.
One more category where you don’t immediately think “JEW” is that of rock guitarists. But even though the first names in rock guitar are a bit… goyish, (((we))) exerted our influence regardless, the puppet-masters pulling the strings. Maybe the goyim made (((our))) innovations famous, but the innovations were pure Jew. And as always, the names will not be obvious ones.
First, the guy who really should be remembered as the quintessential British electric blues god, Peter Green. And though Clapton got the glory, Green delivered the goods. After replacing Clapton in John Mayall’s Bluesbreakers (Mayall thought Green was a step up), Green dazzled with amazing songs like The Supernatural. Not just the riffs, but the expression and the tone. Oft imitated, never equalled.
Oh, and while he was kicking sixteen varieties of ass on the fretboard, he also managed to write some rock classics for the band he founded after leaving Mayall. A minor little group called Fleetwood Mac (which was originally Peter Green’s Fleetwood Mac).
Unless you’re old and gray, you may not have realized that Fleetwood Mac once was something better than a generic pop band.
Unfortunately, Green also pioneered the “drug and insanity rock star burnout” legend. Some blame the lack of the same sort of recognition afforded Clapton on Green’s rapid descent into the weeds of schizophrenia, but I know what the truth is: antisemitism. Like Hitler and 42, that’s always the answer.
Next up, the greatest band you’ve never heard of, Pure Food and Drug Act, and it had TWO Jew guitar legends, Harvey Mandel and Randy Resnick, both of whom, in common with Peter Green, came out of the Mayall band. Mandel was most famous, though, for his pioneering work in establishing the American blues-rock sound during his time with Canned Heat. Resnick’s style was a more spare, lean, and focused sound, and what should have made him a household name- the development of the oft-copied two-hand tapping style of playing- made a fortune for others. Maybe in our next IP brouhaha, I’ll bring that one up. PFDA had the talent, they had the sound, but what held them back was having violinist Don “Sugarcane” Harris as their frontman. Not that Sugarcane wasn’t talented- he was and then some- but his goal in life apparently was to be even more erratic than George Jones. So after releasing one lone brilliant album, Choice Cuts, the band broke up and each of the members went on their way to great careers elsewhere. But this album was a flawless gem and an outsized influence throughout rock. And that’s because of two Jew guitarists.
Anyway, here’s a sample of the music you should know but don’t (unless you’re a professional guitarist).
Now, goyish trivia extra: the bass player here was a fellow named Victor Conte. Yes, THAT Victor Conte. I suspect that steroids weren’t involved in his playing on this album.
And finally, though not a guitar legend, there was a (((Jew))) who was a music legend so big, so great, so towering, that he became a libertarian meme unparalleled since Abe Vigoda. Yes, the one and only.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxcP4jsal8o
What’s of interest here to aficionados of rock guitar is that sound, the pre-Belew, pre-digital effects animal screaming tone. Reed’s innovation here became known as Ostrich tuning in honor of this song, and involves having all six strings tuned to the same note, albeit across two or three octaves. Also called Trivial tuning, it allowed Reed’s limited technique to achieve a memorable and musically appropriate sound. This was music decades ahead of its time. And that’s why, rumors notwithstanding, Reed still walks this earth.
You goyim may be familiar with the High Holy Days (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur) as well as the Popular Trash Holiday (Hanukkah), but we save the best Jew holiday for ourselves. And now that it’s over, I can reveal it: Purim. Despite the lack of publicity, Purim is absolutely fucking awesome- it has a sexy backstory, bloodshed, Iranians, funny hats, and massive drunkenness. Really, what else can you want?
The Megilla
The holiday’s story is told in the Book of Esther, which is the Pluto of the Bible’s solar system: unlike every other book, it’s written on a single scroll (called The Megillah), rather than the usual double. And although, like the other books, it’s read in song, it has a wholly different set of notes and tunes than any other book. Set in ancient Persia, the story starts out on the right foot with a massive nationwide drinking binge. The king, a guy named Akhashveros (I’ll call him Heshie), based in a city called Shushan, had been joining in the celebration, accompanied by a bunch of his carousing buddies.
As drunk sausage-fests tend to do, the conversation turned to pussy. Heshie was married to some fine trim, housed in the body of Queen Vashti, and to prove why she was kingworthy, he directed her to strip and show the goods to his friends. OK, so far, this sounds like a typical Glibertarians get-together, but things took a bad turn- Vashti told him that he and his friends could go fuck themselves, SHE was keeping the clothes on. As was the custom in those days when royal women disobeyed, Heshie had Vashti de-queened and then set about finding some equally fine arm candy.
He organized the Iranian equivalent of Miss Teen USA, and had all the Persian girls who scored above a 9 brought in for judgement. This presaged several reality TV shows, another case of successful Biblical prophecy. Unlike Trump, Heshie didn’t have to barge into the dressing room to catch some young female nudity, they were happy to show it off to him. It’s good to be the King.
Of all the table pussy in the room, the standout was a Jewess named Esther. Not that you could tell that she was a Jewess, given the lack of female circumcision in those days. And she would have had pubes, anyway, and Jewesses tend to be a bit forest-y down there, especially Iranian Jewesses. Heshie spotted Esther and declared, “OK, that one!” and suddenly she was Queen of Persia. This came as a pleasant surprise to her Uncle Mordechai, who had raised her. Morty thought, “This is almost as good as winning the lottery!”
With a sudden interest in the goings-on at the Court, Morty caught wind of an assassination plot against Heshie. Sensing the possibility of reward, he informed the Iranian equivalent of the Secret Service, and the guys who were plotting were arrested, read their rights, and then hanged. As a reward, Morty’s story was recorded in the Congressional Record. And that… was it. Fuck.
What’s worse, Morty pissed off Haman, the Iranian Jeff Sessions, by refusing to bow down to him. Ever the vindictive bastard Haman, who decided, “Well Morty is a Jew, these Jews are annoying fucks, let’s just kill them all.” He wheedled Heshie about this idea, and Heshie, who really didn’t give a shit one way or another, said, “Sure, Haman, kill ’em if that will get you to stop bugging me.” Haman, always the planner, decided to roll dice to pick the day that the Hamancaust would happen. The reason for this is completely mysterious, but the word for dice is “purim” so if he hadn’t done that, we would have had to name the holiday Pussy or Bunch of Guys Getting Shitfaced or something like that.
Esther – Artist’s Depiction
The ever-snoopy Morty found out about the planned Jewkill, and understandably freaked out. He asked Esther to talk to her hubby. “Heshie hates when he’s nagged by his bitches,” she replied, “but seeing as how this is a bit of an emergency, let me see what I can do.” She set up a dinner with Heshie and Haman, during which she said, “Heshie, isn’t this fun? Let’s do it again tomorrow and maybe, you know, bumpetta-bumpetta after?” Heshie, always the horndog, eagerly agreed. In the meantime, Haman got dissed yet again by Morty, so he arranged to have a gallows built to give Morty the Big Drop the next day.
Heshie had trouble sleeping that night, perhaps because of a boner thinking about the next night, though that’s purely my speculation based on experience. “I know,” he thought, “I’ll have the Congressional Record read to me by a manservant and if that doesn’t put me to sleep, then three Seconal wouldn’t do it, either.” The reading began, and when the manservant got to the part about Morty saving Heshie’s life, Heshie asked, “Hey, did we end up doing anything for that guy? Cash award, Medal of Freedom, whatever?” “Nope,” was the answer.
Now, though Heshie was a horndog, he was actually a pretty decent guy. Feeling bad about this oversight, he called Haman in. “Haman,” he asked, “suppose there was someone who I wanted to reward for a great service to me, how would you do it?” Haman, being a bit groggy from being awakened by King Heshie’s whim, thought Heshie was talking about HIM and replied, “Well, dress him up like a king and lead him around on one of your horses as an honor.” Incentives in those days were apparently pretty lame, but still, when Heshie said, “Cool beans, the guy’s name is Morty, get ‘er done!” Haman could only think, “Fuuuuuuuck! This puts a crimp in my plans to hang the dude. Well, I can put it off for a day or two.”
The next evening, at Esther’s second dinner party, she told Heshie, “Haman wants to kill all the Jews, you know.” Heshie responded, “Yeah, whatevs. Are we doing the nasty tonight or what?” Esther said, “Well, that’ll be kinda hard since you’re going to kill all the Jews, and since I’m one of ’em…” “Wait, WHAT???” “Yeah, I’m a Jewess, and you told Haman to kill me and all of my relatives.” Heshie, who (unlike Justin Trudeau) was not a slow fellow, realized that this kill-the-Jews thing might not have been his best idea, then remembered that it was Haman’s idea. And with that, well, it’s always the underling who gets thrown under the chariot, so in a coincidence worthy of O Henry, Haman got hanged on the gallows he had intended for Morty. Yayyyy! Oops, not so fast, what about the Jewkill?
Heshie said, “There’s a bit of a problem. I gave the orders to kill the Jews and because of Article 3 subsection A of the King’s Rules, I can’t take that back.” With some Jewess trim hanging in the balance, Heshie came up with an inspired idea: “Hey, I can issue an order that the Jews can all be armed and kill the Iranians who are coming for them!” Actually, it was Mordechai and Esther’s idea, but one of the secrets to managing your manager is to convince him that your great idea was actually his.
So the Jews armed and killed a fuckton of Persians. If we’re to believe the Megillah, something like 76,000 of them. And that was OK because Heshie got laid.
In honor of killing a fuckton of Persians, every year (((we))) have the Purim celebration, in which (((we))) are commanded to get drunk, make a lot of noise in the synagogue, exchange gifts, get drunk, fuck, make noise, and get drunk. Oh yeah, we also eat some little triangular Danishes called Hamantashen. But really, who cares, get drunk and fuck.
Dr. Dean Ahmad, President and Director, Minaret of Freedom
In which a Palestinian Arab Muslim and a secular Zionist Jew find much accord.
Many take it as a given that Islam and any notion of liberty are diametrically opposed. People are quick to point out the number of Islamic dictatorships and repressive theocracies, and generalize that (for example) to Muslims in America. Dr. Imad Ad-Dean Ahmad, a scholar of Islam and history, would disagree. His organization, Minaret of Freedom, is dedicated to spreading a different narrative, that of a religion which values economic and social freedom, despite its use as a tool of repression by autocrats and theocrats in the Middle East and South Asia.
OMWC: Your background was originally in science. What sort of work were you doing?
Ahmad: My dissertation at the University of Arizona was on “Heavy Element Radio Recombination Lines from the Orion Complex.” (Robert Williams, then an Associate Professor at the astronomy program there, told me years later when he was the director of the Space Telescope Science Institute that mine was the only dissertation from which he could still remember the opening sentence: “From the belt of Orion hangs a sword.”) I focused on radio astronomy and on the conditions in the proto-stellar nebulae in which stars are formed. Comparing observations that I made with the National Radio Observatory’s 140-foot antenna with theoretical calculations I made with the Kitt Peak Observatory’s (at the time) state-of-the-art CDC 6400 computer, I was able to resolve an apparent contradiction in the astronomical literature as to the precise location from which the radiation was emitted.
I worked in astrophysics for another fifteen years after getting my doctorate, publishing models for the solar atmosphere and stellar winds, using mainly X-ray and ultra-violet data.
OMWC: What prompted your career change from science to social and religious activism?
Ahmad: By the late 1980s, I had become increasingly concerned about the inefficiency, immorality, and counter-productivity of American policy in the Middle East. I became painfully aware that of the role that ignorance and political agendas played in formation of bad policy. The so-called experts on the Muslim world had not seen the Iranian revolution coming and their retrospective attempts to account for it were incoherent. Having been a practicing Muslim and a libertarian all my adult life, I realized that the research discipline I had learned as a scientist was much more badly needed in the realm of Islamic studies.
I made the transition by writing a book on the role Islamic Civilization played in the development of modern science (Signs in the Heavens: A Muslim Astronomer’s Perspective on Religion and Science). After I gave a talk on the book for the Honors program at the University of Maryland (College Park) the head of the program invited me to offer a course there on Islamic Civilization. At the same time, the great libertarian historian Leonard Liggio introduced me to the good people at the Atlas Economic Research Foundation, who helped me to start the Minaret of Freedom Institute, the Islamic libertarian think tank I have headed for 23 years (www.minaret.org). The Muslim community also came to appreciate my work, initially because of my knowledge on issues related to the Islamic calendar, but gradually on an increasingly wide range of matters from Islamic civilization to Islamic law and chaplaincy.
OMWC: What was the thing or things which led you to libertarian thought in the first place? Were you raised with this or was it reading or experiences that took you in that direction?
Ahmad: My father (a businessman) was politically conservative and my mother (a teacher and media personality) was politically liberal, so my upbringing provided me a choice. The main sources that influenced how I managed to navigate between their very different views were, in order of encounter (and I think in order of importance) the Qur’an, Henry David Thoreau and Ayn Rand. From the Qur’an I learned the non-aggression principle (“Let there be no compulsion in religion” 2:256) and of the individual’s direct responsibility to the Creator (“There is none worthy of worship but God” 37:35) and the corollary of the idolatry inherent in arbitrary human authority over other humans (“Do not fear them but fear Me” 3:175). From Thoreau I learned of the value of individualism (Walden) and of the power that a righteous individual has over a corrupt state (“Civil Disobedience”). From Ayn Rand I first learned the how markets work and why state intervention is both morally evil and consequentially destructive.
OMWC: In some of your writing, you state that (in essence) you regard the Quran as axiomatic. Does your view of libertarianism derive from those axioms?
Ahmad: Axiomatic is your term, not mine. If by that you mean that I find the values articulated in the Qur’an to be the starting point of my weltanschauung, I agree: Every individual is directly responsible to God (37:35), no one bears the burdens of another (35:18); speak truth to power (28:37); stand for justice even against your own self or near of kin, rich or poor (4:135); say to those who reject your way of life, “to you your way and to me mine” (109:1-6); trade is good (4:29) and fraud (83:1-2) is bad; respond to an injury only in kind, or better yet forgive in order that you should be forgiven (42:40); defend yourself (22:39) but do not aggress (2:190).
OMWC: To clarify, I used the word “axiomatic” because of your statement “There are some things we shall take as a given. We shall not question the text of the Qur’an. While the Qur’an itself invites individuals to ascertain for themselves its authenticity by investigating its inimitability, we, as an institution, take the received Arabic text as our starting point.” So at least in my naive view, it would look like an axiom.
Ahmad: I see your point. The distinction is that an axiom is “self-evident,” whereas, the starting points for a Muslim are inherent in the definition of a Muslim. A Muslim, by definition, believes there is only one God and that Muhammad is His Messenger (i.e., that the Qur’an is His message). This is true regardless of whether the Muslim arrived at that point because he finds these things self-evident or because he had previously questioned them and found the answers convincing.
OMWC: Where in the current Muslim world do you see the possibility of libertarian approaches to social and cultural issues as having the greatest chance for a toehold? Can a Muslim country be culturally libertarian in the sense of treating all belief and disbelief equally under law?
Ahmad: I think that Tunisia is the most promising, with the Nahda Party holding fast to these principles whether their fortunes are good or bad. More secular people than I may think Dubai is the most promising since, despite its undemocratic political structure and strong religiosity of its rulers, it seems to be very tolerant socially and culturally. Until recently, Muslim countries were historically much more tolerant than the West on treating subjects of various religious belief under the law. When the Jews were evicted from Spain, they dared not move to any other Western country, but the Sultan of Turkey invited them to the Ottoman lands promising them absolute freedom to work, worship, and raise their families as they saw fit. Oppression of religious minorities in Muslim countries today is no more inherent in Islamic teachings than the oppression of Muslims (and others) in France is inherent in “Liberté, égalité, fraternité.” The one area in which Muslim tradition is a serious obstacle is in the question of equal citizenship. I do not see this as a problem inherent in Islamic law so much as in the conflict of the Westphalian notion of the modern nation-state with the Muslim traditional system of autonomous confessional communities. I am not the only one who has pointed out that the resolution to this conflict may be found in the Prophet Muhammad’s remarkable covenant for the governance of Medina.
OMWC: Do you think that the US has a responsibility to promote liberty in other countries and in other cultures? (This begs the question, of course, of whether the US has a responsibility to promote liberty internally!)
Ahmad: The best way to promote liberty in other countries is to be “the shining city on a hill” and practice it here. The next best way is to trade freely with other countries and facilitate, not impede, cultural and social exchange. Speaking frankly to them can be a good way, if done with discretion and respect. Direct intervention into their internal affairs is generally counter-productive, and military intervention is the absolutely worst way, being immoral, ineffective, and counter-productive.
OMWC: In a related question, does the US, in your view, have a moral imperative to assist in the overthrow of despots where there isn’t a specific threat to us?
Ahmad: No. And there would be far fewer despots if we would stop propping them up.
OMWC: In Europe, Muslims have not seemed to have been integrated into their societies in the same way as Muslims have been in the US. When I hear about the Muslim “threat” here and examples from (say) France or Germany are cited, I ask, “Where are the American banlieues? Why are Naperville, Devon, Lincolnwood, or Orland Park (to choose Chicago suburbs with significant Muslim populations) not hotbeds of crime?” In the US, Muslims tend to be better educated and more economically successful than average, and media posturing aside, apparently as integrated as Jews or Hindus. To what do you attribute that difference?
Ahmad: It is true that Muslims in Europe have not integrated as well as those in the U.S., and while, statistically, Muslims in the U.S. have above average educations and material success, those factors alone cannot account for the more successful integration, since even those American Muslims who are undereducated and in poverty are better integrated than European Muslims. I think the most important single factor accounting for the better integration of Muslims (and other minority religion members) in America than in Europe is the unique American notion of secularity that incorporates both the disestablishment of state from religion and complete freedom of religion. Allowing Muslims the ability to freely interpret and practice their religion with neither interference nor support from the state threatens neither Muslims (and other religious minorities) nor the majority. Under French secularism, the suppression of religion from public life such as the ban on headscarves (and yarmulkes) alienates Muslims (and Jews), and even “neutral” Switzerland bans minarets as a threat to national identity. In England, the state gives preference to Anglicans over other (especially non-Christian) religions, which is a driver of discontent. In Germany the state supports all religions, which provokes resentment in the Christian majority.
OMWC: A rather open-ended question: What would you consider, in general, to be a rational US immigration policy?
Ahmad: Anyone who comes here for a peaceful and positive purpose, including to work or study, should be allowed to do so with a path for citizenship if they want it. Those who demonstrably seek to engage in crime or violence should be denied. The government welfare system should be reformed (or abolished) so that it does not attract freeloaders, and lets private and religious social service agencies carry the load of resettlement.
OMWC: What do you think is the greatest misunderstanding among American libertarians about Islam in a cultural (rather than theological) sense? If a libertarian wanted to understand more about Islamic culture beyond the usual prejudices, what should he or she be reading as an introduction and overview to gain a clearer and more accurate understanding?
Ahmad: The greatest cultural misunderstanding about Islam is the belief that it is culturally monolithic. Islamic culture spans an enormous range of nationalities, ethnic groups, cuisines, literature, arts, architecture, and political systems. If I had to recommend a single book it would be The Cultural Atlas of Islam by Ismail and Lois Faruqi. When you’ve finished reading that book head over to your local mosque and chat with the people there. (Just make sure to talk to more than one person!) Better yet, visit a few different mosques. Muslims are your neighbors and most of them would be delighted to chat with you.
OMWC: And my final question: Given an audience of libertarians with a rather wide range of views on Islam and how it relates to American culture, which question do you wish I had asked? And what over-arching message would you want to convey?
Ahmad: Given that the apprehension about Muslim immigrants is found even among some professing libertarians, I would have welcomed a question along these lines: You note the wide diversity of political views among Muslims. Since you clearly see the Qur’an as a document with some strong libertarian content, why are overt libertarians such a small minority among Muslims? I would have replied that I also see the U.S. Constitution as with a document with some strong libertarian content, and I wonder why are overt libertarians are such a small minority among Americans? In both cases I believe that ignorance of the Quran and the Constitution respectively are the problem, a problem compounded by corrupt political leaders whose interest in power motivates them to keep their respective constituencies in a state of ignorance.
OMWC: I really appreciate the time you’ve taken and the information you’ve given us. My own feeling is that ignorance is the root cause of fear, and your mission to dispel ignorance is far more valuable and effective than the moral preening and name-calling that passes for political discussion these days.
ng the odder Jew things is a ritual called “The counting of the omer.” It’s a very important ritual because something something something. OK, it’s not, but it’s commanded in the Torah (Leviticus 23:15 and 16 for you beforeskinned types) so when Yahweh says, “Do it,” you do it. Otherwise, there will be a plague, which seems to be Yahweh’s favorite hobby.
There’s a lot to choose from in the ceremony, but without a doubt, the best part was The Four Sons. Each son (with one exception) consisted of a question, which was then answered at length. Before you assume, no, the sons weren’t Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo, but rather Chachem (the wise son), Rasha (the evil son), Tam (the stupid son), and She’eino Yodaiah Lishol (the son who is too naive or young to ask a question). The questions start with “(son’s name), what does he ask?” or in Hebrew, “(son’s name), ma hu omair?” followed by the son’s question and the answer. For example, “Tam, ma hu omair? ‘What’s all this?’ You answer the dummy by saying. ‘Yahweh sprung us from Egypt and killed a shitload of them.’” Or something like that. I have a sentimental attachment to this ritual because inevitably when the reader started with “Rasha, ma hu omair?” (the evil son, what does he say?), everyone’s head would turn to look in my direction.
If Global warming isn’t your fashion statement in social signalling, you can also have Haggadahs centered on 
Phineas was the grandson of Aaron (who bore a striking resemblance to John Carradine), and thus the great nephew of Moses (who later became a spokesman for the NRA, but that’s a story for a different Bible). As a youth, he was distinguished by his zealotry, that being a euphemism for “crazed killer wrapping himself in religion.” He first comes to our attention with the Heresy of Peor.
In honor of killing a fuckton of Persians, every year (((we))) have the Purim celebration, in which (((we))) are commanded to get drunk, make a lot of noise in the synagogue, exchange gifts, get drunk, fuck, make noise, and get drunk. Oh yeah, we also eat some little triangular Danishes called Hamantashen. But really, who cares, get drunk and fuck.