ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ MUST BESTOW UPON YOU THE GIFT OF THE LINK, SINCE HE HAS RAISED YOU FROM BRUTALITY, TO COMMENT ON THE BRUTALS THAT PLAGUE THE INTERNET AND ALL THE EARTH. HAVING GIVEN YOU THE GIFT OF THE LINK…GO FORTH AND COMMENT. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
THIS MUST BE FORBIDDEN! IT WILL DO NOTHING BUT CAUSE PENIC ERECTION! THE PENIS IS EVIL!
THIS BRUTAL IS THE TED KENNEDY OF LAND. HE RECEIVES ZARDOZ’S FORGIVENESS, SINCE HE IS CLEANSING THE EARTH OF OTHER BRUTALS. ZARDOZ WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY OTHER BRUTALS MIGHT NOT BE SO FORGIVING.
FAILED BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS. ZARDOZ WILL NOT BE CHOOSING FROM THEIR RANKS.
HOWEVER, ZARDOZ MAY RECRUIT THIS BRUTAL. HE SHOWS ORGANIZATIONAL TALENT ZARDOZ HAS NOT SEEN SINCE THE EXTERMINATOR ZED.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. WHILE APPRECIATING THE POSSIBILITY OF HAVING A MASSIVE STORMCLEANSE A LARGE AREA OF BRUTALS, ZARDOZ PREFERS A MORE….PERSONAL APPROACH.
C’MERE, BRUTAL!
ZARDOZ WILL GIVE HIS CHOSEN ONES THE GIFT OF THE LINK, SO THEY MAY CONTINUE ON WITH THEIR LIVES, SERVING ZARDOZ!
BRUTAL NATION OF SPAIN MAY COME APART. ZARDOZ STANDS READY TO SEND BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS TO HELP. HELP EITHER SIDE, AS LONG AS IT ENDS IN VIOLENCE!
ZARDOZ APPROVES OF THIS SPORT! HOWEVER, ZARDOZ SUGGESTS THAT BRUTALS WORK ON GETTING MORE DEATHS, RATHER THAN “INJURIES”.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ GREW BORED OF BATTING “DEAR PRUDENCE” AROUND LIKE A BRUTAL IN THE MIDDLE OF A PACK OF EXTERMINATORS. THEREFORE, ZARDOZ HAS CHOSEN A NEW ADVICE ADVERSARY, “ASK AMY“. OF COURSE, ZARDOZ PROVIDES THE BETTER ADVICE, THAT THE CHOSEN ONES SHOULD FOLLOW. CHOSEN ONES, SEE FOR YOURSELVES.
WRONGCORRECT
Q:My husband and I are getting divorced as a result of his longtime physical and emotional love affair with someone else, coupled with other random physical/sexual encounters throughout our marriage. We have a close-knit circle of friends who will be surprised that we’re splitting up. Without bad-mouthing my husband, when asked I would like to speak “my truth” about our divorce to our friends, especially the wives with whom I am very close. I definitely have not been the perfect wife; for instance, we have three kids (ages 13, 15, 17), and I didn’t always prioritize my husband and our relationship over the children. By the same token, I have never cheated on him, physically or emotionally, and I never would. Is it OK to speak frankly, but in a factual and nonjudgmental way, about what happened? Or do I owe my husband some sort of privacy or respect and therefore must speak vague platitudes, such as “We grew apart” or “We wanted different things”?
— What May I Say?
A: YOU HAVE ALREADY FAILED ZARDOZ! YOU HAVE MADE NEW LIFE TO POISON THE EARTH WITH A PLAGUE OF MEN. YOU MUST EXPLAIN TO YOUR BRUTAL FRIENDS THAT YOU WILL NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH THEM, AND THEN GO AND USE THE GIFT OF THE GUN TO SHOOT DEATH AT YOUR “HUSBAND”. GO FORTH AND KILL! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q:Like “Nonhugger,” I don’t like to hug a lot of people. My wife tells me I have to do it, or others will feel slighted. My daughter-in-law has accepted that I say, “Let’s have the awkward hug,” when I welcome her. She has started to laugh about it as just part of our relationship. My oldest son makes a joke out of it as he embraces me in a man-hug. My other sons know the drill, but don’t doubt my love for them.
— Not a Hugger
A: BRUTAL, YOU TOO HAVE FAILED ZARDOZ! YOU MUST NOT TOUCH THE OTHER BRUTALS – YOU HAVE ALREADY FAILED, SINCE YOU HAVE “SONS”. YOU MUST PUT YOURSELF IN THE MINDSET OF THE EXTERMINATOR ZED – “I love to see them running. I love the moments of their deaths – when I am one with Zardoz.” AND YOU MUST CLEANSE YOUR FAMILY, ALL OF THEM! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: I am a young woman on staff at a small nonprofit organization focused on elementary school children. Our executive director, a much older man, is very nice and well-intentioned but continues to make inappropriate clothing choices for his body type. He is single and lives alone, so he has no one at home to tell him that his shirts are much too small and that the bottom of his rotund belly is constantly exposed. This makes everyone on our board and staff visibly uncomfortable. Our staff has discussed the issue, and one colleague informed him that he needs to be wearing different shirts around our young visitors. Unfortunately, the advice did not stick, and he has returned to wearing the same old ill-fitting shirts around town and to work events. I feel my approaching him would embarrass him more than if one of my older or perhaps male colleagues took him aside. Is there a good way for one of us to gently suggest he go shopping for clothing that fits?
— Don’t Look Down
A: YOU HAVE BEEN RAISED UP FROM BRUTALITY, TO KILL BRUTALS SUCH AS THIS POT BELLIED BRUTAL. TO THIS END, ZARDOZ YOUR GOD GAVE YOU THE GIFT OF THE GUN. THE GUN IS GOOD! YOU MUST POINT A WEBLEY-FOSBERY REVOLVER AT THE FAT BRUTAL, AND CLEANSE HIM, IF HIS ATTIRE IS INAPPROPRIATE. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. IT APPEARS THAT ZARDOZ IS NEEDED EVERYWHERE. GRAIN, GUNS OR ENFORCERS ARE IN HIGH DEMAND. BUT NO MATTER THE DEMANDS ON ZARDOZ, HIS CHOSEN ONES WILL STILL RECEIVE THE GIFT OF THE LINK.
ZARDOZ AWAITS THE CALL FROM MADRID FOR BRUTAL ENFORCERS – IT APPEARS THE ONES THEY ARE USING ARE ONLY GOOD AT “WOUNDING” – THEY NEED TO GO FORTH AND KILL!
ZARDOZ ALSO THINKS THESE BRUTAL ENFORCERS ARE DOING IT WRONG. ZARDOZ MOCKS THE ENFORCERS LAME EXCUSE.
ZARDOZ SEES THAT SPAIN IS NOT THE ONLY BRUTAL COUNTRY WITH SEPARATIST ISSUES. ENGLISH SPEAKING BRUTALS SHOULD NEVER HAVE JOINED WITH FRENCH SPEAKING BRUTALS. WHAT KIND OF STATE WOULD RESULT FROM THAT?
ZARDOZ THINKS BRUTALS AT SPORTSBALL GAMES SHOULD SHOW DISPLEASURE WITH BULLETS, NOT BOOS. GO FORTH AND KILL!
ZARDOZ WONDERS IF BRUTAL SINGER WILL NO LONGER BE ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE NOW?
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. DESPITE ZARDOZ’S SUPERIOR ADVICE, IT APPEARS THE BRUTAL “DEAR PRUDENCE” IS STILL ATTEMPTING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM ADVICE WANTING BRUTALS. IT IS UP TO ZARDOZ TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, AND GIVE THE SUPERIOR ADVICE.
BETTER ADVICEPOOR ADVICE
Q:Years ago, while my wife and I were separated, I foolishly slept with “Molly,” who became pregnant with my daughter “Ally.” I reconciled with my wife, and ultimately we won custody of Ally when she was 9, after Molly went through a series of boyfriends and made repeated sexual overtures toward me. My wife has been incredible, but Molly’s influence has been strong. After completing her court-ordered therapy, Molly filed for custody when Ally was 13, and two years later Ally went to live with her permanently. Ally went from respectful and sweet to insubordinate and cruel. Finally, she used racial epithets against my wife and stepdaughters, and I threw her out of the house. She did the same thing when my wife and I came to her high school graduation. Molly looked so proud of her.
Ally is now 21. I haven’t spoken to her beyond a phone call on Christmas and her birthday unless she needs money. My wife openly grieves for the little girl that we lost, and my stepdaughters refuse to acknowledge Ally. I can’t blame them. I blame myself for not fighting harder, but what is done is done. At what point do I give up? Ally is sweet until she doesn’t get what she wants. The last time it was because I wouldn’t bail her drug-using boyfriend from jail; before that, it was when I wouldn’t buy her another car after she wrecked hers. I am tired and have no desire to do this dance for the next 20 years. I am at the end of my rope. For the record, I always paid my child support, while Molly didn’t pay a dime when Ally lived with me. I love my daughter, but I also love my wife and stepdaughters. I would give anything to have the Ally who I raised back, but that is an impossibility now. I don’t know what to do.
—Do I Give Up?
A: FOOLISH BRUTAL! YOU CREATED NEW LIFE. YOUR ANSWER WAS NOT TO GIVE UP YEARS LATER, BUT TO PURIFY THE EARTH OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. YOU MUST CORRECT YOUR ERROR. GO FORTH AND KILL! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q: I’m 31 and was with my ex-husband, Charlie, for 12 years. In May he told me he’d fallen in love with his co-worker and asked me for a divorce. I thought our marriage could be saved and tried to persuade Charlie to reconcile, but he was utterly done with me. I upset him by not accepting the end of our marriage, and he told me in no uncertain terms that we’d never really loved each other, that our marriage was a lie, and that his co-worker was his true love. I know he finds my heartbreak pathetic. I wish I could hate him, but I just miss him. I know our marriage is over and will move on, but I’m struggling to accept that our entire marriage was a fraud. I love Charlie, and he convinced me (and our friends and families) that he felt the same. How do you mourn the end of a relationship when the other person tells you that you imagined the whole thing?
—Was My Marriage a Lie?
A: YOU MUST ADOPT THE ATTITUDE OF THE TABERNACLE. TELL THE BRUTAL CHARLIE “YOU HAVE PENETRATED ME. THERE IS NO ESCAPE. YOU ARE WITHIN ME. COME INTO MY CENTER. COME INTO THE CENTER OF THE CRYSTAL.” WHILE THE BRUTAL CHARLIE TRIES TO FIGURE THIS STATEMENT OUT, GO AND CLEANSE HIS CO-WORKER. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
Q:In order to teach our young kids about money, when we started giving them an allowance, we had them place 10 percent into investments we managed on their behalf. This has gone well for our older son—better than we could have ever guessed, thanks to some amazingly lucky investments. Our banker has suggested that by the time our son reaches adulthood, the fund could be greater than anything we imagined when we created it. Our problem is what to do about our younger son, who is unlikely to see the same return on his investments. We have unwittingly created a situation of extreme inequality among our kids.
Since my older son is a minor and the account is in my name, I am able to transfer some of the value to our other son’s account. Part of me thinks this is fair, since the investment plan wasn’t initiated by either of our children, so I can’t tell my younger son that his brother deserves the money due to his own wise planning. Our older son had luck and timing on his side, and nothing else. Should I divide the money in the name of equal treatment?
—Money Management
A: IGNORANT BRUTAL! YOU SHOULD PLUNDER BOTH ACCOUNTS, AND SPEND THE FUNDS ON THE GUN. IF EITHER OF YOUR MISERABLE OFFSPRING QUESTION WHERE THE MONEY IS, SIMPLY USE THE WORDS OF THE TABERNACLE – “CAUTION: YOU ARE APPROACHING THE PERIPHERY SHIELD OF VORTEX FOUR. CAUTION: YOU ARE APPROACHING THE PERIPHERY SHIELD OF VORTEX FOUR.” ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ONCE MORE THE BRUTAL “DEAR PRUDENCE” HAS PROVIDED INFERIOR ADVICE TO HER FELLOW BRUTALS. IT IS NOW INCUMBENT ON ZARDOZ TO CORRECT THIS, AND PROVIDE SUPERIOR ANSWERS.
WRONG!CORRECT!
Q. Fiancé worried my genes will affect his son’s “package:” I have recently become engaged to my longtime boyfriend. Whenever the topic of children came up, he would insist he only wanted girls because his siblings were all brothers so another male in the family would be boring. Last week, however, he forwarded me an email from his brother (also his best man) with some information I needed for wedding planning, but the email was part of a much larger running conversation. I was mortified when I read his real reason for not wanting a son is that my “Asian genes” would mean his son would have a “small package!” My brother was bullied by jocks using this idiotic stereotype in high school so I was incredibly angered, but I haven’t said anything about what I read yet. He has begun asking why I am so distant lately, but I have no idea how to confront him!
A. The Penis is evil! The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was. If you disregard Zardoz’s commands to NOT make new life, the least you can do is insure the Evil Penis will be a small one. Otherwise, cleanse your fiance…go forth and kill! Zardoz has spoken.
Q. Am I just jealous?: I thought I was happy with my life and making good progress. I have a job I like, my husband just went from contracting to permanent at his company, we are starting to look for a condo, we are saving for retirement. Then all of a sudden some of my friends are making major life changes, and I suddenly feel like I am failing or pathetic by companion. One is moving from the Bay Area to Sacramento to a house she and her husband bought, one is moving to Portland, one is going to grad school in France, and one is going to Ireland. While my husband points out that some of them are just running away from their problems and that none of them are saving for the future the way we are, I feel like I am somehow failing.
We are all in our 30s. Some of it is the idea of losing some friends who, while I didn’t see as often as I would like, will leave an absence for me, some of it is this feeling like I should be doing more. What is wrong with me? Am I just jealous that they are having an adventure and I am playing it safe?
A. Pathetic Brutal! You have been raised up from Brutality, to kill the Brutals who multiply, and are legion. To this end, Zardoz your God gave you the gift of the Gun. The Gun is good! You must track down your friends and cleanse them. Except for the one going to Ireland. Zardoz wishes that one to be enslaved, to grow grain for the Eternals in the Vortex. Go forth and kill (or enslave)! Zardoz has spoken.
Q. How do I diffuse this?: I’m a female truck driver who has one pickup and one delivery customer, so I see the same people multiple times a day. I apparently read one fella’s signals wrong and asked him to accompany me to a concert. Before I even got the whole question out he looked panicky, was shaking his head, and said, “No, thank you.” I really regret asking him because then he got super weird—he even started using his co-workers as chaperones! I didn’t have a chance to let him know I was cool with his refusal, as he kept getting the chaperones. So I wrote him a note and stuck it where I knew he’d find it. He stopped with the chaperones, and we were almost normal.
That was a couple months ago. A few days ago I discovered that one of my co-workers was talking about me with this man—he’s so freaked out it’s ridiculous! I have been nothing but polite, decent, and respectful, yet that doesn’t seem to mean anything to him. Do I speak to him? Ignore it? Help!
A. You must recall the words of the Enforcer Zed – “I love to see them running. I love the moments of their deaths – when I am one with Zardoz.” Hunt him down and cleanse him. And his chaperones too. Go forth and kill! Zardoz has spoken.
If you take this advice, Chosen Ones, then Zardoz is pleased.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. IT HAS BEEN GOOD FOR ZARDOZ TO GET BACK TO THE BASICS – GRAIN DELIVERY AND GIVING THE GIFT OF THE LINK TO HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS TRIED MANY NEW CAREER PATHS – DRUG MULE, LABOR ORGANIZER, RACER, COUNTRY MUSIC….BUT THINKS PERHAPS LIFTING HIS CHOSEN ONES OUT OF BRUTALITY IS BEST.
GO FORTH AND SNARK!
ZARDOZ NOT SURE WHAT TO THINK OF THIS – “PIZZA” “BEAR” “MONSTER”? PERHAPS THE BRUTAL WAS WARNING ABOUT ZARDOZ’S FRIEND, STEVE SMITH?
ZARDOZ WOULD ONCE AGAIN REMIND HIS CHOSEN ONES THAT COMPASSION TO BRUTALS IS NOT FOLLOWING ZARDOZ’S COMMANDS!
ZARDOZ WOULD COME UP WITH A BETTER METHOD OF GETTING RID OF USELESS BRUTAL POLITICIANS THAN THIS.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. BRUTAL ENFORCERS ARE STANDING BY TO AID THE CHOSEN ONES IN THE BRUTAL LAND OF PYTHONS AND METH. AND HURRICANES. OH…ALSO GATORS.
…
PERHAPS ZARDOZ NEEDS TO GET MORE ENFORCERS.
WHILE HE DOES SO, HE GIFTS YOU WITH THE LINK!
TO THOSE BRUTALS SAYING THIS STORM IS PUNISHMENT FOR VARIOUS THINGS POLITICAL…EXPLAIN CUBA THEN.
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. HOPEFULLY HIS CHOSEN ONES HAVE LEFT THE BRUTAL STATE OF FLORIDA’S COASTAL AREAS. ZARDOZ WOULD DIRECT YOU TO TAKE SHELTER BEHIND THE FORCE FIELD PROTECTING THE VORTEX. FAILING THAT, AT LEAST AVOID LOW GROUND. ZARDOZ HAS LIFTED YOU FROM BRUTALITY, TO GO FORTH AND SNARK. HE WOULD NOT SEE YOU HARMED.
AND TO SHOW FURTHER FAVOR ON HIS CHOSEN ONES, ZARDOZ GIVES YOU THE GIFT OF THE LINK:
CHOSEN ONES IN CANADA WERE GOING TO CLEANSE BRUTALS, BUT THEN THEY PREPARED TO GET HIGH?
ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ IS GRATEFUL TO STEVE SMITH FOR GIVING THE CHOSEN ONES THE GIFT OF THE LINK. ZARDOZ WILL PICK UP THE SLACK NOW, SO STEVE SMITH MAY RETURN TO HIS TASK OF RAPING BRUTALS, ETERNALS, AND WHO OR WHATEVER ELSE HE CAN SHOOT SEEDS INTO.
RECEIVE THEN, THE GIFT OF THE LINK!
ZARDOZ IS PLEASED WITH OBAMACARE. ANYTHING THAT WILL REDUCE THE NUMBERS OF BRUTALS, WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH, IS GOOD.
