Winners!
#1
#2
#3
Notable Entries
#1
One True Athena
“Homeowner arrested for animal cruelty when dog found on the floor”
#2
MikeS
SP made me go all the way out here to eat my pineapple pizza
#3
Florida man
*not available in Pakistan
Several of them could have been chosen, they were all great. I hope the next one goes just as well.
I’ll be collecting some good photos while I finish my vacation in VT.
So some people thought this might be a good idea. I like the biweekly pattern, though, so that’s what you’ll get. I like the name, and hope the FCC will stick. I hope I can find some good photos for you all to ruin. I’ll alternate the contest and the winners every week.
Let’s start with a few off my computer.
#1 This is one of the family dogs. This was about a year ago.
#2 DOOM, unhappy there’s a camera taking his picture.
#3 This is a picture I took at some national park between Boulder and Taos.
I’ll pick the top few for each, but this is no dictatorship.
Florida Man shook himself awake to the sound of cops banging on the door. Shit. Pausing only long enough to see whether he had pants to keep the police dog from chewing on his nuts if it was going to be that kind of chase, he staggered away from the sound of knocking. Where the Hell was he anyways? It was like he was in a boat, but it wasn’t rocking. Fuck. He hoped it wasn’t the FWC. The Grouper Troupers have all sorts of fun motorized vehicles that make escaping on foot (or by swimming) hard.
Oh look, Florida Man, thought. I am in a boat. It’s just grounded. That makes sense, but you can’t assume things about what people will build for a house in Florida. Throwing a leg over the side, FM saw that there were cops waiting for him.
“Please, bro. Don’t tase me!” Florida Man called, throwing up his hands and falling to his knees. “I’ve got a bitchin’ headache, my mouth tastes like a bus driver’s ass smells, and people spent all day yesterday punching the shit out of me.”
A deputy approached and said, “Sir, is this your boat?”
“Nope. Never seen it before in my life.”
“So you don’t know whose boat this is? Because it seems to be lying on its side in the middle of a beach. Do you know how it got here?”
Florida Man thought fast.
“No, sir. I, uh, had just come aboard right before you got here to see if anyone was here or hurt. It does seem strange to come upon a nice boat like this on Daytona Beach.”
The deputy was giving him the cop stare, hoping Florida Man would get nervous and say something else. The silence went on for half a minute. Then one of the other deputies walked up and said, “Hey, aren’t you that guy who got beat up yesterday at that softball game?”
FM nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “That was me. I’m a little unclear on the in-between. I had, like, a bunch of 4Lokos and blacked out.”
The second deputy said, “Well, anyone who is friends with a Polk County Sheriff’s deputy is friends with me. We ain’t kick your ass for trying to a good deed up here. You can go and have a nice day.”
Florida Man turned and started walking away, amazed at his dumb luck.
“Hey, boy!” A deputy shouted.
Florida Man tensed to run, but turned around, his face a rictus grin of fear.
“I think you dropped your cell phone and your wallet while you was in there!”
Florida Man walked back to retrieve his phone and wallet, certain he was going to jail yet again.
“You okay, boy?” The deputy with his possessions asked.
“Yeah, I, uh. Bad seafood. I’m gonna have to find somewhere soon.”
Florida Man retrieved his phone and wallet. He did a fine impression of a man with a bad shrimp about to paint his pants walking away. Thank goodness that the average Florida cop was recruited from the same pool as his minions, he thought, scrolling through his phone. It was the only thing that gave him the slightest hope of one day ruling all that the Mouse did not claim.
DOOM’s Drinking Game Guide
By 1337n00bers – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, Link
Sometimes, friends get together and make an evening consuming alcohol together. People they don’t know get invited as well, and people start looking to activities to help them drink. Some games we play are social and involve some planning. Games like beer pong or flip cup. Those games, while fun, are a bit too boring sometimes. So I thought today I would share a few of the games my friends and I play.
First, the games we always play. 24/7, 365.
Game Of Life
This one is rather easy, but requires cans of beer. Although they do can wine at this point, so who knows. The rules are simple. The goal is to keep the tab at the top bent to a side. When you open your beer and take a sip, the beer becomes ‘in play’. You turn the tab off to one side, and keep drinking and socializing like normal. An opponent attempts to move the tab back to the 12 o’clock position without you noticing. If you take a sip with the tab at 12, and get called, you finish you beer. That’s it!
Our house plays this every day. It also helps with ID’ing your beer (my tab always goes to the right, 2-3 o’clock)
BUFFALO
By Ikiwaner – Own work, GFDL 1.2, Link
Another game we play everyday all day. This game requires some knowledge of your peers, but is pretty easy.
You can no longer drink with your dominant hand. All drinks must be held by your off hand, in my case left. If someone catches you holding your drink in your dominant hand, they say “Buffalo!” and you have to take a good swig. It was originally the whole drink, like Game Of Life, but we changed that after a half liter of vodka was being passed around. I suppose it’s mostly on an honor system in the house at this point. There’s a great twist! If someone calls buffalo on you and you were not using your dominant hand, they drink. If you have a drink in both hands, they must drink the beverage in your dominant hand. This leads to great trickery; you can hide your beer under the table and let people call you out.
I have to note, I was introduced to this game back in Montana- I have no idea where it came from.
Now some games that require some planning.
Chandelier
Warning! This game will get you drunk very fast.
Players:3-as many as can fit.
Needed items: pong balls, solo cups, beer.
Table, preferably round.
This game needs at least 3 people, I’ve found that 4-6 is pretty ideal. A version of this can be found online, but is far slower than I like. For the ease of explaining, I’ll pretend there are 5 people playing.
To set up, we need 6 solo cups. Everyone gets one, and one is filled with water*.
Place the water cup in the middle of the table, and spread the people around the table as evenly as possible.
Everyone’s cups go in front of them, somewhere near the center cup. I prefer a few inches between center cup and the player cup, but you do you.
For a game of 5 players, 3 pong balls are needed. This step is the most important when it comes to what pace you want.
Everyone puts some beer in their cup, and we are ready to start.
To begin, 3 players grab a pong ball each. They try to bounce the ball off the table into an opponents cup. If the ball goes in an opponents cup, they take the ball, drink, and then shoot at another opponent. They then refill their cup as quickly as possible.
If a ball is thrown and it misses, it is free game. There are no turns. Whoever picks a pong ball up gets to throw. If the ball goes in the center cup, the whole game changes.
At that point, everyone playing must play a modified flip cup. Everyone chugs, and places their cup at the edge of the table. They must flip the cup over, so it lands upside down on the table. The last person to accomplish this must drink an extra time.
The game then resets. Everyone refills their cup, people grab pong balls, and its back to it.
You should probably do this game in short periods. Maybe with a mandatory water break half-time or something.
*this cup could be beer to drink after flip cup. I think it depends on what’s being consumed and desire to not share germs.
Stump
This game also needs some things.
A stump or log- ideally 2-3 ft long, and from the base of the tree. A short barstool.
A hammer- I like a lighter ball-peen
Box of nails- no finishing nails, people.
2-6ish people
If you haven’t played Stump, you haven’t been to a summer party with me. Which is too bad, because I’m pretty good at it.
The idea is to strike your opponents nail into the stump before yours goes.
To start, someone puts all the players nails into the stump. The less the better, just enough to not fall out of the stump if there’s a poor hit.
Players stand in front of their nail, and open a beer, and pick the direction of play (clockwise?)
The player throws the hammer in the air, flipping it at least 360 degrees. The player can not touch the hammer until it has done this flip. They then catch the hammer, and in one motion, brings it down on an opponents nail.
If there is contact, and the nail goes in at all or is bent, the opponent who owns the nail must drink (proportional to the damage done).
The hammer is then passed to the next player, around and around.
If there is a glancing blow and sparks appear, someone yells “Sparks!” and everyone drinks.
If you drop the hammer, you must drink and you lose your next turn.
If the hammer is dropped but lands on the stump, the person the handle is pointing to must also drink with the person who dropped it.
When the head of the nail is fully below the surface of the stump, that player is out.
If it is your turn, you can use it to conduct “Home Improvement” and straighten your bent nail. You can take as long as you want but you will be mocked. You can not pull the nail further out. You do not get to throw the hammer if you use your turn for home improvement.
Well, those are the games I enjoy the most. Next time, I may do one on different drinking games for movies.
By Neptuul – Own work, CC BY 3.0, Link
Derpetologist’s Spot the Not: Louis Farrakhan
1. America is in trouble, and I say God is about to wipe this nation from the face of the Earth. I’m not crazy, I’m not drunk, how long do you think a nation can do evil and not face the wrath of god?
2. You see everybody always talk about Hitler exterminating six million Jews. That’s right. But don’t nobody ever ask what did they do to Hitler.
3. The Mother Wheel is a heavily armed spaceship the size of a city, which will rain destruction upon white America but save those who embrace the Nation of Islam.
4. If somebody told me I only had one hour to live, I’d spend it choking a White man. I’d do it nice and slow.
5. White people are potential humans – they haven’t evolved yet.
6. Qaddafi is hated because he is the leader of a small country that is rich, but he uses his money to finance liberation struggles.
Since May 2013 I have made note of the annual Herndon Climb at the US Naval Academy. The short version is that the first years must work together to scale a lard-greased (they’re claiming shortening this year) granite obelisk and put a hat on top marking the end of their first year.
This years climb was broadcast live by Fox5DC, and is airing live as I type (but will likely be over by the time you read it), so I’m gonna get back to that, but if you have any interest in lads slathered in grease, grappling in the mud with phallic symbols and each other to achieve something together that they cannot do alone, this might be an event worth following. Update: it took about 2:15/
So last Saturday night I attended my first bout of the 2017 season with my new home team – the Charlottesville Derby Dames. Technically it was a doubleheader, but due to the location – about 45+ min away and my busy weekend, I didn’t stay for the second bout. Still, I had a blast watching the Derby Dames All Stars crush Mother State Roller Derby 318 to 104.
Apparently leaving early was a mistake though – it looks like the second match was a lot closer. That comes as a bit of a surprise though because most of the matches I’ve attended have been fairly one-sided. The scoring format tends to favor that – but it really depends on the teams too.
A little more background is probably in order – all the teams I’ve followed have been members of the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA) – which definitely seems to be the most common format these days (as opposed to the older tilted track). I attended one multi-team bout in Honolulu, but most of my experience has been attending bouts of the Fredericksburg Roller Derby (formerly 540 Roller Girls) team the last couple of years.
Rather than trying to explain it all, I’ll let the graphic above break down the basics (more here). Starting with what’s essentially a rolling scrum, it takes some effort to break through the inertial crush and get a good lead. Then to actually score, you need to pass at least one member of the opposing team on your second time around the track. And that gets to be a lot more complicated due to all the blocking and checking. The Jammer (scorer) can also end the Jam (play) at any point once they’ve taken the initial lead by getting through the initial scrum – whether or not any points have been scored. Generally, each team has 3 or 4 members that take turns as Jammers rotating on and off the track while the blockers stay on the track for extended periods of time.
On the whole, though, it tends to be very entertaining. I think for me it’s a combination of factors – between the overall athletic factor of amateur sports, the retro/vintage/pin-up crossover themes, the family-friendly entertainment and the general sense of humor involved (I also have a lot of nostalgia from rollerskating as a kid). I’ve never been a big fan of sports in general (at UNC-CH I attended a grand total of 2 exhibition basketball games and 1/2 a football game – and those were free) – but as a form of entertainment, this appeals to my sensibilities a lot more.
Every bout is a mini-event in itself – lots of merch (I like to collect t-shirts and can cozies – the pin-up designs are always a draw). Generally, there’s a variety of additional mini-events – pinball tournaments, raffles, giveaways and other family-friendly attractions – not to mention craft beer or local winery promotions along with the other sponsors – and after-parties (not that I’ve made it to one yet).
As I understand it, a lot of the recent cultural interest was reignited by Drew Barrymore’s 2009 film “Whip It“. I’ve seen some references that call out 3rd Wave Feminism as being a major influence in Roller Derby, but I can’t say that I’ve really seen much of that in the sport from my limited experience (certainly nothing toxic). I’d say it appears to be an empowering experience for the participants and entertaining for the audience, but it doesn’t have any of the negative side effects that come from some other cultural events – for one thing, there’s no competition with men (forced, implied or otherwise). Of course, that’s based on my experiences – I know in some areas they allow men or trans participants as well – for the bouts I’ve seen, men are only coaches, referees or other non-skating officials. From my perspective attending events in Hawaii and more frequently/recently in Virginia, these bouts have been far more “A League of Their Own” and far less “SJWs on Ice” – YMMV depending on region.
Unlike many sports (amateur or otherwise), there’s little to no barrier to entry – most teams host regular events for folks interesting in joining up. All it takes is an interest and some energy – no prior experience required.
I’m definitely looking forward to the next double header on 3 June. You’ll be able to recognize me in my new shirt.
If you’re interested in checking out local events, I’d start here. Alternatively just googling “Roller Derby [your location here]” seems to have pretty good results.
All right so I’m sure we’ve all seen the Big Lebowski and are familiar with a classic White Russian*:
My school newpsaper editorial staff used to get hammered on these the night before copy was due. Someone would bring in a handle of vodka and a gallon of whole milk and we’d shoot for the Ballmer Peak, and aggressively miss.
As time passed, I realized that a great opportunity was being missed for maximal fat-assery and I set out to combine the deleterious effects of both alcohol and ice cream in (probably not) new and (definitely) exciting ways.
You will need a decent blender, milkshake/malt mixer or food processor for this to work.
Put your Kahlúa coffee liqueur and vodka in the freezer, buy a vanilla ice cream made from a custard base (eggs should be an ingredient). You want it to be a rich, dense ice cream, but not as rich and dense as Häagen-Dazs. I’ve experimented here so you don’t have to, the frozen vodka keeps the densest ice creams so solid they don’t blend, but isn’t able to keep the cheaper air-beaten stuff–like Dryers/Bryers or heaven forefend a 5 quart pail of generic–thick. I’d recommend Double Rainbow or Trader Joe’s house brand (potentially the same thing).
Exact proportions are for suckers here. Put as much ice cream as you want in your blender, add as much coffee liqueur as you prefer and turn the thing on. Add in enough vodka to achieve a Frostee consistency (with a high fat ice cream and very cold vodka it’s more than you’d expect) and serve.
Start or restart your diet the next day.
*jesse.in.mb. would like to extend his sincerest apologies to those triggered by the terms “White,” “Russian,” or “classic” in any combination, as well as those who are lactose or A2 protein intolerant, alcohol intolerant, alcoholics, diabetics, fattasses, averse to coffee and alcohol in the same place at the same time, or averse to dairy and alcohol in the same place at the same time.
1. The The
2. Full Throttle Aristotle
3. Barney Rubble and the Cunt Stubble
4. Satanic Clown Orgy
5. Hitler Stole My Potato
6. Gee That’s A Large Beetle I Wonder If It’s Poisonous
7. Iron Prostate
8. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”
Ah, Chuck Heston… If anyone needed a nice stiff drink more than Taylor, I’d hate to be that poor bastard.
I first made this as a goof for a party, but we all decided it was so damn tasty it went into our regular rotation. And, yes, you will have to buy a bottle of Créme de Banana, but it is worth it.
The Planet of the Apes
2 oz dark rum
1 oz pineapple juice
1 oz orange juice
1/2 oz lime juice
3/4 oz créme de banana
Shake together with ice and serve up in a martini glass or over large chunks of ice in a whiskey glass. Fresh juices are highly recommended.
And avoid the temptation to go with Myers, the dark rum of many a frat boy’s nightmares. Appleton Estate VX Jamaican Rum is my go-to for any dark rum application.
Derpetologist’s Spot the Not: Mitch McConnell
1. Nobody is happy about losing lives but, remember, these are not draftees.
These are full-time professional soldiers.
2. We need to strengthen and save Social Security for today’s workers.
If we don’t act now, this system, born out of the New Deal, will become a bad deal.
3. The problem with the world today is people have put away their Bibles.
They’re living by the law of the jungle and not the law of the land.
4. We all know that Social Security is one of this country’s greatest success stories in the 20th century.
5. The Patriot Act is one of the most important and overdue pieces of legislation in a generation.
6. Under ordinary circumstances, I would have opposed such a measure.
Government intervention in the marketplace cuts against all my ordinary impulses. But this was not an ordinary event.
It was recently brought to my attention that there is a hot new beard trend involving mascara and references to unicorns. In fact, several people let me know whenever there is a “hot new beard trend” because I am the token bearded-American in their lives. These people mean well; they’re universally follicularly challenged (often women) and think that their beardo friends are just Ken dolls waiting to be adorned in whatever is trending on Pinterest today. And they also seem blissfully unaware that these “hot new trends” are mostly just two guys from Portland on Instagram with a shtick that has been escalating since 2014 when they stuck some flowers in their beard on a lark and got positive buzz from it. They dabbled in food stuffs and non-flowering plants, returning to more complicated floral arrangements periodically to hold the interest of their followers. At some point they crossed an unforgivable line into glitter beards. I assume anyone else who tried this on the internet has some kind of mental handicap, intense self-loathing or is very good at photoshopping, because only a masochist would put the herpes of crafting (thanks Dimitri Martin) into their beard. I’m not even sure how you would get rid of glitter in one’s beard that did not involve dying and being reincarnated as not-a-fool. More benignly they did Christmas ornaments for this Christmas.
So remember, kids. Next time you see a clickbaity article talking about a hot new beard grooming trend is sweeping the nation’s men, remember that it’s probably just a few instagram personalities having fun or trolling for clicks and not hot, new, or a trend.
A bizarre homage to last week’s Manly Monday:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BKrRbbRAy1j/
I do believe we wore the same plastic prop ax to the party. One of us will have to go home and change.
