Category: Fun

  • Game Review: NieR:Automata

    I love Carnivals!

     

    This review comes from my 30+ hours of gameplay. I have not exactly 100% completed the entire game, but I did finish approximately 70% of all the missions and quests before I finished the game’s story. I will not reveal any spoilers.

    Before I go into the nitty gritty details about NieR:Automata, I would like to quickly go into the game’s background, such as the series it’s a part of and its creators. NieR:Automata is a sequel to the 2010 PS3/Xbox360 title Nier, which is itself a spin-off from the Drakengard series. The series and franchise as a whole were directed by Japanese game developer Yoko Taro, who is quite known in the industry for having multiple endings in his games. He is also known for his narrative style consisting of dark topics and atmospheres with a few little happy and funny rays of sunshine to lighten you (the player) up. Very important to keep in mind about all this is that this game is mostly stand-alone so please do not worry, you are not missing out! If you do find yourself curious for more background information on the series, however, please check out the other games yourself for more fun and sad times!

    “I don’t like sand…”

    Now that we got that little introduction out of the way, let’s get to the main course! In a nutshell, the game’s story revolves around a cold, stern female android named YoRHa No.2 Model B (2B), an inquisitive and somewhat sensitive male android named YoRHa No.9 Model S (9S), and an embittered, lonely female android named YoRHa Model A No. 2 (A2). These androids are a few among many in a war between their organization (YoRHa and the Council of Humanity) and machines on Earth thousands of years after they (the machines) and their alien masters drove humanity off the planet. That’s as far as I can go with the story, but there is A LOT for the player to go and discover for him or herself and there are many twists and turns out there. For now, let’s move on to the gameplay.

    Kicking robutt!

    The gameplay is third-person hack-and-slash action with a few hints of RPG elements. RPG elements include weapon upgrading (which you will have to farm the materials for), leveling, and managing your Android’s chip systems which can affect your stats and combat capabilities (e.g. bonus health, exp gain, damage from counter-attacks, etc.). The combat system is very smooth, and the particle effects look great even when you’re juggling multiple machines in the air with your katanas! Hacking enemies and making them fight or blow each other up as 9S is also VERY satisfying. There are also some bullet-hell flight sequences. (For a probably well-known and simple example, think of Galaga or Galaxia, and for all you weeaboos/Japanophiles, think of the Touhou games). Controls in the game can be a bit awkward at times since the dodge button is located where the trigger would be on a controller, but the player can change the settings for their own pleasure.

    Taking a break

    Now, concerning the environment or the game’s general world, the game has an open-world, but it is not quite on the same scale as The Elder Scrolls: Morrowind or Skyrim (not that this is necessarily a bad thing). Fast-travel can only be utilized in a few places at first, but as the player progress to a certain point in the story/main quest, many more FT (fast-travel) spots become unlocked. This gives players quite some time to explore the different areas and scenery as much as they want (the FT system feature, however, is VERY convenient for the many side-quests in the game). The player will also be traveling with a companion for a good majority of the game so they won’t feel totally lonely. The game is also meant to be played in multiple runs, so just beating it only one time will not complete the full picture of the story or give the player the full experience. There are also many side-quests the player can do across multiple playthroughs (progress for some side-quests is saved, too!), so do not worry about doing everything in one run. Just enjoy the current run you are on and play at your pace. Now for the music and graphics aka A E S T H E T I C S.

    I walk this lonely road…

    The music composition composed by the franchise’s veteran composers Keiichi Okabe and Keigo Hoashi is spot-on for many parts of the game. If one played the original Nier or Drakengard 3, they may find some nice remixes or familiar sounds in this new title. However, the original tracks are especially interesting and fitting for the game’s settings. For example, in one of the game’s early areas is a ruined, abandoned city being reclaimed by nature, the gentle piano background music amplifies that somber and dreary feeling of loneliness the area exudes. The tune however also carries the sound of a gentle and lively guitar that plays while one sees animals such as a boar or a moose running through the rampantly growing nature. During boss battles or action intensive scenes, the score greatly swells and the themes fit the bosses to a T, going with a variety of styles ranging from full orchestras to wild techno/synthetic. The voice acting is also very well done, both in the original Japanese and English languages. Either way you play it, the voices are very satisfying, and I feel they accurately conveyed the emotions and personalities of the characters.

    Fire the MISSILES!

    The scenery and graphics are also particularly beautiful and may even distract you from playing at times. In most of the areas the player will go to, they will mostly find no one but enemies, and I feel this helps further emphasize a sense of isolation that only makes you appreciate the interactions and relationships between the main characters and their companions so much more. The character designs also shine in this title. Prime example is the main cover girl, 2B, complete with her skirt and high heels. (Fun fact: when Yoko Taro was asked why 2B had high heels even with all the combat and action, he stated, “I just really like girls.”) Besides 2B, the rest of the ensemble are well designed, and some of the machine enemies you fight may even look surprisingly cute and endearing.

    The Great Ascent

    Some final thoughts and observations about the game: Many moments in the game touch upon topics that lurk in the darkest parts of our hearts and minds. However, the thing that makes all of this interesting is that only a few, if any, of those moments feel forced. A lot of these moments appear in casual and intimate conversations between 2B and 9S throughout their journey, and their interactions come across as a bit awkward at times (they are androids after all). But still, these conversations have an uncanny, natural feel to it. Topics brought up throughout the game include duty, life, death, emotions such as love, the concept of a soul or an afterlife, the futility or purpose of life itself, free will, why people kill, personal motivation, and prejudice. These topics/themes may not be entirely novel or original concepts in video games or science fiction, but I feel that it is in the presentation and application of these ideas that makes this game truly shine. It does take quite some time to get into those previously mentioned interactions, but I believe the emotional pay-off is well worth the hours of fighting machines and traveling with your partner. Another observation I found was that in a lot of the side-quests, players can make their own choices that are neither necessarily good nor bad, but all of these choices rely on what you feel is important to yourself and your own motivations.

    ZA BOSS

    A final interesting observation about the game is the rather egalitarian relationship between the androids 2B and 9S. There are moments in the game when 2B has to save 9S and vice-versa; both characters have their strong and weak points that complement each other (2B’s physical prowess and 9S’s hacking powers). And neither of them appear to have more authority or importance than the other. Now, one may be surprised at how a simple-looking Japanese hack-and-slash title can have such depth, but trust me, I was very surprised myself and I’m happy to say I’ve never been happier to have been wrong about a game.

    TL;DR

    PROS: Rich and deep narrative, beautiful graphics, and the music is expertly composed by the series’s veterans, Keiichi Okabe and Keigo Hoashi. Voice acting is also very crisp and fitting. The characters are relatable (it does take a bit of time to really feel them through) and each have their quirks/personalities making them each interesting to learn and care more about. Combat is very smooth, and boy, do you feel cool fighting robot samurai with your combat bracers or katanas.

    The infinite vastness of space…

    MAYBES: The dark and odd humor of director Yoko Taro can come across as awkward or too quirky at times, so that may or may not be off-putting. The story can also get a bit convoluted or chaotic at times. A few feels or serious moments may/can come across as forced.

    CONS: Some framerate issues on PC (it is not exactly a buttery smooth 60fps at the moment, but there are unofficial patches available), fullscreen mode tends to cause a bit of lag, but windowed mode seems to work just fine. There is also occasional lag during pre-rendered cutscenes (this may have been due to my own fault/system, but it is still something to potentially keep in mind.) Combat may be a bit repetitive at times for some. Controls can also be a bit confusing, especially for beginner action game players.

    Final Verdict: 9.5/10 would play again for the Glory of Mankind.

  • Belly Up to the Bar

    The Good Stuff

    By RC Dean

    I can tell this crowd has its fair share of folks who like their liquor straight up, with none of that faggy “mixology” or “artisanal” bullshit [mental note: must Google to see if “Artisanal Bullshit” is a cocktail already]. So, this week’s post is for you lot.

    Liquor that’s enjoyable straight out of the bottle is the Good Stuff; at some level, cocktails are what you do to make liquor that isn’t as palatable more drinkable. You can use the Good Stuff in cocktails and it will often make a better cocktail – although we use Casa Noble for margaritas due to Mrs. Dean’s unfortunate reaction to other tequilas, it is plenty good enough to drink straight up.

    For me, mixed drinks are more social – I just associate them and generally drink them in groups when there is a lot of chatter and whatnot. Drinking liquor neat is more contemplative for me – I’ve done some of my best thinking with a glass of Scotch, a cigar, and a sunset. As Timothy Leary taught us way back in the day, set and setting are important when monkeying with your brain chemistry, and those are the sets and settings I use/associate with different kinds of drinking.

    Ice? Water? Hey, de gustibus. I don’t drink the Good Stuff on the rocks, but I put a splash of water in my Scotch. Do what thou wilt, I say.

    Things about the Good Stuff to keep in mind:

    There is a deliriously huge number of brands and varieties. No matter how hard you try, there will always be a ton of things you haven’t tried yet. I always try to have two or three bottles of sippin’ likker in the cabinet, and not just Scotch (I’m a Scotch guy, not a Bourbon guy, when it comes to drinking neat). I always have a good Scotch and tend to rotate rum, mescal/tequila, and Armagnac. I am a creature of habit; I typically get the same booze for mixing, but the variety of the Good Stuff on offer practically demands that I try different ones. The good news is that it’s hard to go far wrong, so that $50 bet you just made on a new bottle is likely to pay off. Worst case – you can use it for making cocktails.

    Unfortunately, it’s the Good Stuff, and it is priced accordingly. While my palate for wine runs out around $20/bottle (retail, not restaurant, pricing), in that I just don’t taste what’s “better” about more expensive wines, my palate for liquor hardly ever runs out as the price goes up. Sure, there are bottles that cost $60 that are as good as bottles that cost $100, but by and large the older, more expensive stuff tastes better, sometimes a lot better. That said, anything that is the latest, hottest booze is probably going to be overpriced – I’ve never had Whistle Pig or Balcones because I figure the hype on these has run the price too high. My personal price cap for stuff I drink neat is around $60/bottle (subject to moments of weakness); I’ve never paid much more than $80/bottle for anything but a gift.

    So, a few recommendations:

    Scotch: I’m an Islay guy. Laphroiag Quarter Cask is a regular visitor to the liquor cabinet, and their 18 year old bottling is reliably divine (I’ve never had the 25 year old). One of these years I hope to make it to the Islay Festival. Caol Ila (thanks to Ron for the recommendation over at TSTSNBN) is excellent, not as peaty/oily/smoky as Laphroiag. Honestly, the problem isn’t finding excellent Scotch, it’s affording excellent Scotch. Personally, I blame hipsters.

    Mezcal: The Del Maguey Single Village line-up is excellent. They have contacts with OG local distillers, and some of it is amazing (and priced accordingly – the spendy Chichicapa tastes like the love child of an excellent Scotch and a very naughty tequila). I tend to have a bottle of the more affordable Vida available for those evenings when the world needs that particular mescal vibe.

    Rum: The Ron Zacapa Solera 23 has to be tried to be believed. They age it like brandy, and, well, just try it. Honestly, I’ve never even tried another rum for drinking neat. I sprung for a bottle of their XO once, but that was one of the few times when I just couldn’t quite taste the extra money.

    Armagnac: Basically, Cognac’s country cousin – I think the only real difference is that each is grown in a particular region (yeah, I’m sure the terroir is totes different, but whatev). I have the vague impression that Armagnac is a little more affordable. This one is more occasional, but I’ve enjoyed the Dartigalongue XO and Hors d’Age, which are both affordable(ish) and not a bad place to start if you are curious.

    Derpetologist’s Spot the Not:  Thomas Piketty

    1. My premise is not to tax to destroy the wealth of the wealthy; it’s to increase the wealth of the bottom and the middle class.

    2. I draw my inspiration from Sweden, not the Soviet Union. I have never advocated a centrally-planned economy.

    3. I am not political. It is not my job. But I would be happy if politicians could read my work and draw some conclusions from it.

    4. One way to have broader access to wealth is to reduce the tax on the large group and increase the tax on the very top so concentration of wealth doesn’t get to extreme levels.

    5. I loved American universities. In many ways, they are better organized – certainly than French universities.

    6. To put it bluntly, the discipline of economics has yet to get over its childish passion for mathematics.

  • Fur Friday

    In a world run by animals, It’ll take more than a man to survive.

    Florida Man accidentally set me on a disastrous quest last night, dear reader; a disastrous quest to find a furry spoof of Mad Max Fury Road. The disaster came about because he misremembered the title and set me looking on Amazon and Google for “Furry Road” and have since had to raze my internet identity to the ground and start fresh as Ásbjӧrn Bernhard of Oshkosh, WI. I have also learned important lessons about using the term furry in GIS with safe search disabled.

    After letting me twist in the wind for a bit, FM found the correct name for the movie Furry Fury and let me know it was only six minutes long. Back to Amazon, more searching for furry-related content, and I’m settling in for six minutes of the worst cinema I’ve seen in a long time… possibly since I saw Battlefield Earth in theaters, which has a 3% on Rotten Tomatoes. That said, at only six minutes, I didn’t come away feeling cheated for time, though certainly this movie lacked the muzzled post-apocalyptic Tom Hardy which made Fury Road watchable. We live in an era where even fan films can have a significant amount of polish; Furry Fury feels like an intentional nostalgia trip to low-budget ’80s movies. Every element of it is poorly executed and somehow that works as an homage to the B-movies of yesteryear. I’m sure Gojira would love this film were he not so triggered by furries (and homemade ice cream, but that’s a tale for another time).

    The plot is elegant: Wolf encounters the feline Furryosa in some post-apocalyptic ruins while she is running away from a gang comprised of Bear, Dog, and Kangareau (with puppet joey) and must battle to save her. The action is delightfully gory in classic B-movie style, and the cuts and edits are painfully obvious. There is no yiffing and the film is entirely safe for work (although if your coworkers catch you watching a movie with entirely furry actors they may judge you).

    Available on Amazon with Prime and YouTube

  • Reviews You’ll Never Use: Kong: Skull Island

    I’m going to break one of my own rules established when I began this review column and provide a review for a new, mainstream blockbuster film. In a broad sense, I’m doing this simply because I can; admin power is not worth having unless it is wielded capriciously. But in a much more focused sense, I’m doing this because this film falls firmly in my wheelhouse. It is an American kaiju eiga, and there are damned few bigger fans of this genre in the world than your intrepid author.

    I hope that it is not too much of a letdown when I tell you that even as someone radically predisposed to enjoying this sort of film, I found Kong: Skull Island to be an unsatisfying experience. Let’s delve a little into what brought this film about, and see where things went wrong.

    Image result for kong skull island
    Promotional poster for the film

    This movie is a direct result of the existence of Marvel Comics. More specifically, the new Hollywood craze of “shared universe” largely instituted by the success of the Marvel films, beginning with 2008’s Iron Man. Shared universes existed previously, of course, mostly in linear sequels which often only obliquely referenced the events of prior films in the series. Perhaps the most famous and successful shared universe pre-Marvel was the Star Wars franchise. However, Marvel took it to an entirely new level, with cross-over cameos, and explicit tie-ins canonically linking each movie into a specific place and event sequence in the universe, and where actions in each film had direct repercussions upon the subsequent films in other lines (Agent Smith’s capture of the Tesseract in the first Captain America story having a direct influence not only on the first Avengers movie, but also creating the overarching story of the hunt for the Infinity Gems/Stones, as they are called in the comics and film series, respectively). This level of cross-promotional bonanza was unheard of before the wild success enjoyed by Marvel, and other studios have been scrambling to catch up ever since (and mostly failing – suck it, Warner Bros.!). Even one of the previews for this film is for another franchise-starter for a shared universe, The Mummy. Universal is hoping to rehash all their classic monsters in new, gritty films in which the monsters will all presumably eventually work together. This will lead to a steaming pile of crap, OR possibly be one of the greatest movies ever made.

    Never ones to pass up an opportunity to copy something else more successful, studio after studio began planning sessions on which properties they could franchise into endless streams of summer blockbusters in shared universes. In 2010, Legendary Entertainment had acquired the rights from Toho Co. for a big-budget American Godzilla film. This led to the Gareth Edwards 2014 film, titled simply, Godzilla. I thought it was very well done, but I’ll not say more lest you heathens receive two reviews for the price of one.

    After the success of that film, in which Legendary partnered with Warner Bros. for financing and distribution, some bright bulb thought to check and see if WB had or could secure the rights to our own homegrown giant monster, King Kong. Sure enough, they did, and Shared Universe Mania did the rest.

    Image result for king kong vs. godzilla
    What this is all ultimately leading up to. Read on!

    However, you can’t simply launch straight into a two-marquee monster mash-up without the mortar of the shared universe structure, which in the industry is called universe building. A more prosaic term might be “let’s see how many of these cash-grabs we can shit out before having to get to the main event”. And so Kong: Skull Island was born in their small, fevered minds.

    Our story takes place in 1973. Fancy-pants cryptozoologist (fun fact: Microsoft Office does not recognize that as a real word, just like it isn’t a real job) John Goodman has discovered a new island in the South Pacific, where he believes be dragons. He fakes an interest in cartography and securing any unknown natural resources of this island before the Soviets can get their red claws on it, and manages to convince the gub’mint to provide him with an Air Cav escort led by regular-pants Samuel L. Jackson. Jackson is an officer who is bitter over America’s seeming defeat in the Vietnam War, and looking for one last mission to find meaning in an otherwise meaningless age.

    Image result for full metal jacket hooker
    Pictured here: all you need to know about Vietnam

    With Too Tall and Snake Shit in tow (damn, wrong movie), along with stock issue anti-war journalist Brie Larson, and drunken burned out former SAS devastatingly handsome devil-may-care mercenary Tom Hiddleston, the stage is set. Upon flying over Skull Island on an investigatory bombing run (yes, I meant what I typed: it’s part of a geological survey cover story so preposterous I don’t want to spoil it for you), the entire force is knocked out of the sky by Kong. The remainder of the film is the story of groups of survivors trying to make their way to a pre-planned rendezvous with a resupply mission from the cargo ship they arrived in. Jackson wants to kill Kong to avenge his dead soldiers, whereas the civilians are only worried about getting the hell off the island. Various giant beasties make their usually violent appearances, and we meet the taciturn natives of the island, who have taken in stranded World War II fighter pilot John C. Reilly.

    It’s a hell of a cast. Legendary obviously was willing to spend All Of The Money to make this thing work. The problems, though, begin to surface early.

    First, I honestly thought that Goodman and Reilly turned in the only worthwhile performances in this film, and even then barely. The characters are written so thinly that they all come across as clichéd archetypes, from the Handsomely Brooding Very Serious Hiddleston to Jackson’s bitter war vet, played by the actor shockingly against type as a loud badass angry black man. Reilly is genuinely funny as the comic relief, though there’s nothing in his performance that you haven’t seen before, so if you weren’t a fan of him in Talladega Nights or Step Brothers, there won’t be much for you here.

    Director Jordan Vogt-Roberts seems to be aware of the paucity of actual artistic effort going into this movie, and we’re introduced to the titular giant ape extremely early in the film. I suppose he knows why people are coming to see this movie, and it isn’t just to find out it was a fucking sled from his fucking childhood (I still get angry thinking about that, at random times throughout the day). His only other full-length efforts prior to this were the indy film The Kings of Summer, and 49-minute runtime made-for-tv movie Cocked. Being given the keys to the kingdom on such a large production so early in one’s career paid off handsomely with an at-the-time still relatively unknown Gareth Edwards and Godzilla (Gareth got that job on the really quite good indy alien invasion film, Monsters, before using his kaiju success to then land the plum directorial job for Rogue One), but here Vogt-Roberts’s fails to bring life to an already torpid script.

    A small sampling of my personal Godzilla memorabilia collection, and every film except for the 1998 Matthew Broderick abortion.

    The effects, always of paramount concern in a film such as this, are passable. It is, of course, a CGI crap-fest, but since that is the future of all film, I suppose I have to rein in my old man frustration and forever bury my man-crushes for the masters of the practical. If the names Tom Savini, Rick Baker, and Rob Bottin mean nothing to you, you are a sad, deprived little person.

    There are call-backs to Jurassic Park (Mr. Jackson tells his men to, “Hold on to your butts!”), the original King Kong Vs. Godzilla (giant octopus fight scene), and universe building with the 2014 Godzilla. The secretive government-sponsored Monarch Corporation is a prime player, and Godzilla-related past events shown in the earlier film are referenced again in this one.

    Already announced: the next film to be released will be Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019), followed by Godzilla vs. Kong (2020). Hold on to your butts.

    Ultimately I rate Kong: Skull Island 12 Bags of Cat Food out of a possible 20.

  • Belly Up to the Bar

    Gearing Up for Cocktails 

    By RC Dean

    Last week’s post on the Dark and Stormy dabbled in the equipment and supplies that can be put to good use by the home bartender. This week we will survey the Casa Dean’s loadout for cocktailing, which by its nature invites a plethora of tools and ingredients.

    Casa Dean Gear

    In addition to the cocktail measuring glass and soda syphon mentioned last week for the Dark and Stormy (ginger beer syrup edition), and the eyedropper the week before (to dose Pernod properly for a Monkey Gland), there’s also a few other items that we use:

    • Shaker. There are some variations on this, and a lot of [real] bartenders use a Boston shaker (two stainless steel containers, the top of one fitting inside the top of the other) or a variation with a pint glass and a stainless container. These are tricky to pour out of and prone to accidents, so I use a pretty standard shaker, the kind with a cap that has a strainer.

    Shaking your drink does a couple of things, in addition to mixing the ingredients: it chills the drink, and it dilutes the drink a little (remember: a proper shake is 10 – 15 seconds). Both of these are Good Things – water is one of the unacknowledged ingredients of many cocktails, which just taste better a little diluted. Hell, it’s acceptable, even expected, to add a splash of water to even the finest single malts.

    • Spherical ice makers. This is a recent addition to our setup, and we’ve started using them almost exclusively for “rocks” drinks. Highballs still get the usual cubes from our icemaker. The spheres have a couple of advantages; they just look cool, and they melt more slowly, so your drink doesn’t get as watery. The 1 ½ inch size seems pretty standard. It does take them a little longer to cool the drink, if it started at room temperature.

    I’ve been using this SVERES Jumbo Ice Ball Tray, which makes six at a time. A little more labor intensive than just pushing the lever on the front of the fridge, but worth it, IMO. I’ve also got a pair of these Tovolo Sphere Clear makers, but they’re kind of a pain in the ass to use. I think they make somewhat better spheres than the tray.

    • Glasses. For highballs, we just use whatever. For rocks drinks, I’ve been using these Bodum double wall glasses. They slow the melting of the ice balls even more and look pretty cool. These used to be pretty fragile, but they’ve been beefed up enough we haven’t had any problems.

    Casa Dean Supplies

    Confession time: I don’t fresh squeeze my citrus juices; I get good lime, lemon, and orange juice in bottles and just use that. I also don’t generally garnish. When I’m thirsty, I get lazy, OK?

    For liqueurs, we have the following:

    • Pernod, for Monkey Glands. I haven’t found another use for it that I liked, so that’s about it. Its basically licorice concentrate, to my palate.

    • Amaretto, mostly for Polar Vortexes (to be written up one of these weeks). It’s a sweetener, mainly, but even in small amounts it changes up the drink.

    • Salerno, for margaritas, sangria, anything that calls for orange liqueur. I’ve got some Grand Marnier, but just don’t really use it much since I found Salerno, which isn’t as sweet and “heavy” as most orange liqueurs.

    • Luxardo Maraschino Liqueur. I pretty much just use this to make my own maraschino cherries, which are completely different than the dyed candied cherries passed off as such in the grocery store. Real maraschino cherries on chocolate ice cream is just divine, BTW, and justifies making your own all by itself.

    • Drambuie. For the occasional Rusty Nail. Mrs. Dean also likes it sometimes just over ice.

    • We also have Rivata sweet and dry vermouth. I mostly use the sweet to make Rob Roys and Manhattans. I’ve tried olde schoole martinis, but just don’t come back to them.

    For bitters and mixers, there’s a few standards and a lot of interesting stuff to try. As mentioned last week, Pickett’s Ginger Beer Syrup is excellent. The Jack Rudy Classic Tonic syrup gets a real workout in hot weather, as well – it produces a vastly more flavorful gin and tonic than what you get in the store. You need a soda syphon to use these, or you can just crack open a soda water or club soda and pour in. But the soda syphon’s more fun.

    I like the Bittermilk lineup, and use several of their mixers off and on (the Charred Grapefruit with light rum is way too easy to drink in hot weather). Others make their way in and out of the pantry from time to time as experiments (I have this Maple-Bacon Syrup going through testing right now), and it is remarkable how many smaller companies are putting out good stuff. These will get called out as needed in future recipes.

     

    Derpetologist’s Spot the Not: Leonard Peikoff (a famous Randroid)

    1. [Regarding the so-called Ground Zero Mosque] Any way possible permission should be refused and if they go ahead and build it, the government should bomb it out of existence, evacuating it first, with no compensation to any of the property owners involved in this monstrosity.

    2. Responsible parenthood involves decades devoted to the child’s proper nurture. To sentence a woman to bear a child against her will is an unspeakable violation of her rights: her right to liberty (to the functions of her body), her right to the pursuit of happiness, and, sometimes, her right to life itself, even as a serf.

    3. Every argument for God and every attribute ascribed to Him rests on a false metaphysical premise. None can survive for a moment on a correct metaphysics.

    4. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Facts. Facts alone are wanted in life. Plant nothing else, and root out everything else. You can only form the minds of reasoning animals upon facts.

    5. Statism and the advocacy of reason are philosophical opposites. They cannot coexist—neither in a philosophic system nor in a nation.

    6. What is is. Perceive It. Integrate it. Act on it. Idealize it.

  • Wacky Wednesday: Chewy Treat Edition

    Kids and Grown-Ups Love It So

    Let’s take a moment a consider Haribo Milky Mushroom treats.

    What the fuck is going on here? Milky mushrooms? Have you ever had a mushroom whose taste you would describe as “milky?” Are they made from milked mushrooms? What sort of milk do mushrooms produce and is it an appropriate flavor for candy?

    Now, there is a type of mushrooms called “milky mushrooms” but they are a pure, snowy white, not the swirling cream and pink madness you see here. And I doubt the candy tastes anything remotely like them.

    Aw, look at the little stubby one. It's like a tiny, deformed penis.

    And let’s be honest: those discs don’t even look like candy mushrooms. That is a plastic tub of severed nipples. Excited, severed nipples, erect for eating. And pink young nipples at that, not the tough, brown, chewy nipples of a mature woman who has breastfed. I’m surprised there isn’t cherry-flavored red dipping sauce congealing in the bottom of the tub.

    And yes, we eat gummy frogs and sharks and worms, but shouldn’t we draw the line at some fucked up Ed Gein shit like gummy nipples or, at least, not market them to children? They sell these nightmarish things on Amazon. They will ship them to your home.

    Hey, Haribo, you sick German fucks, Gein kept a bowl of salt-cured labias on his bedside table for late-night snacking. Am I giving you ideas?

    Not Willy Wonka, but also a serial killer.
    Ed Gein also had a belt made out of nipples. Coincidence, Haribo? Are we really supposed to believe that?
  • The Derponomicon: Part 2

    "Please kill me," the book of the dead wailed.
    I’ll swallow your derp!

    On the name Derponomicon: it is a combination of derp and the Greek words nomos (law) and ikona (image). Thus, the name may be translated as “an image of the laws of the dumb.”

    A few years ago, I compiled The Derponomicon from a series of dialogs with a prog who was by far the most infuriatingly stupid person I have ever known. His responses are below. I did not correct his typos.

    In this excerpt, his topic was the following quote from Augustine of Hippo:

    “Justice being taken away, then, what are kingdoms but great robberies? For what are robberies themselves, but little kingdoms? The band itself is made up of men; it is ruled by the authority of a prince, it is knit together by the pact of the confederacy; the booty is divided by the law agreed on. If, by the admittance of abandoned men, this evil increases to such a degree that it holds places, fixes abodes, takes possession of cities, and subdues peoples, it assumes more plainly the name of a kingdom, because the reality is now manifestly conferred on it, not by the removal of covetousness, but by the addition of impunity. Indeed, that was an apt and true reply which was given to Alexander the Great by a pirate who had been seized. For when that king had asked the man what he meant by keeping hostile possession of the sea, he answered with bold pride, ‘What thou meanest by seizing the whole earth; but because I do it with a petty ship, I am called a robber, whilst thou who dost it with a great fleet art styled emperor.’”

    As far at the Augustine of Hippo quote, it is most certainly in reference to a mideval kingdom system of government. Equating a mideval kingdoms system of government to the modern day US government is once again, like comparing apples and hippos. In modern day US, tax dollars pay for roads, bridges, air traffic safety, clean air, clean water, inspected food, the military, satellites, the infrastructure of plumbing/electric/utilities/etc. we all enjoy, and about a zillion other things. In a kingdom, the people were lucky to get a water source. You literally cannot exist in modern society without taking advantage of what society (I.e. The government) provides. When you step on a sidewalk, or use electricity, or drive on a street in a car that isn’t exploding, etc. You are taking advantage of what the government provided to you.

    Ignorance of history, a conflation of society with govt, and an argument from ignorance.

    A response to my favorite Sowell quote:

    “The first lesson of economics is scarcity: there is never enough of anything to fully satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics.”

    -Thomas Sowell

    On the Thomas Sowell quote, As I have mentioned before, he is a favorite of the white supremacist crowd, which really says a lot about who he speaks to. Of course the lesson of economics is a finite amount of everything, otherwise no one would need to buy it. But that general statement isn’t new casserole true. The first lesson of economics is laziness. People will pay for anything that requires the least amount of work. When people are given the choice between growing their own food for free in their backyard, or buying food at a restaurant or a prepared meal, what will most people choose? When given the choice between paying for produce and meat and making food yourself, and ordering a pizza, what will most people choose? MOST aspects of our economy are built on taking advantage of people’s laziness. People are willing to pay for any product or service that will make their life easier. So generally speaking there is pretty much an unlimited amount of goods and services that Americans are willing to buy if they can afford it, from a service that cleans up dog shit in your yard, to custom hats for your baby. So in America that rule doesn’t really apply. What does however have a finite amount to go around is wealth, and the more wealth we hand up to the top percentages, who know how to manipulate and hide it, in the most literal way takes from everyone else. There are only so many slices of the pie to go around, and when the richest people get the most pieces of pie, that leaves nothing but a slice and some crumbs for everyone else to fight over.

    More baseless smears, more deflection, more yammering that the economy is a zero-sum game. The denial of scarcity is the cherry on top.

  • Understanding Peak Derp

    Much as cosmologists have debated whether the universe will expand forever or reach steady state at some maximum size, derpetologists have debated the existence of Peak Derp. That is, is there a limit to stupidity? Einstein said the only two infinite things are the universe and stupidity, and he wasn’t sure about the universe.

    I believe Peak Derp is best understood via an analogy to Planck Temperature. Planck Temperature is basically the opposite of Absolute Zero, the lowest possible temperature. At extremely high temperatures (1.4 x 10^32 K) the velocity of the particles approaches light speed and further acceleration becomes impossible. The increase in mass of the particles would also create gravitational forces on the subatomic scale as strong as the other fundamental forces, a situation which cannot be described by the current laws of physics.

    So, Peak Derp does exist. There is a level of stupidity so intense that it mocks the very laws of nature. However, much like Planck Temperature, that level is so absurdly high that for practical purposes, there is no limit. No matter how stupid something is, it is certain that something even dumber exists. This is the first law of derpodynamics.