Category: Hat and Hair

  • The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe – The Haunting of Hillary House

    “No live politician can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even Senators and Secretaries are supposed, by some, to dream. Hillary House, not sane, stood by itself against its offices, holding darkness within; it had stood for seventy years and might stand for seventy more. Within, legs staggered upright, dicks fled quickly, arms were flab, and mouths were never shut; nagging rang steadily against the wood and stone of Hillary House, and whatever stalked the woods beyond it, stalked for a photo op alone.”

    Huma woke when the screaming started–long, loud cries that shattered the quiet Chappaqua night and had almost faded away when she surfaced from a dream. She reached out for Hillary, but the bed beside her was empty; she felt along the rut Hillary had worn in the mattress and it was sticky and cold. Huma usually awoke when Hillary got out of bed and so she was confused, a three-part wrinkle forming between her eyebrows with effort. That area had been deadened with botulinus toxin less than a week earlier.

    Huma got out of bed slipped a thin robe over her naked body, the cool silk of it teasing her nipples and thighs. She put her feet in slippers she kept by the bed, grimacing at the echoes of pain and pleasure that made her vulva blush with blood at the memory of Hillary’s wrinkled claw of a hand being working into her inch by inch, and the sharp squeeze she had given the neck of Huma’s womb when she was finally wrist-deep. It was the ache of childbirth she felt, her breasts heavy with the memory of milk.

    “Hillary?” she asked the dark bedroom, “Are you alright?” Huma heard nothing but her own breath, the beat of her own heart. She fumbled for the bedside lamp and clicked it on. Nothing. The power must be out, she thought to herself, or the bulb is dead. Faint moonlight came in through the far window of the bedroom, a milky blue that her eyes adjusted to with effort. The closet door stood open, but the door to the hallway was closed.

    “Hillary?” Huma asked again as she felt her way around the bed to the open closet. “Hillary?” she whispered into the deeper darkness of the closet. She reached for the string to turn on the light but it wasn’t there. She stopped moving and held her breath. Something was in the closet, but it was not her elderly lover. There was a creaking when it breathed in and out. It was huge. Bigger than the closet. Maybe bigger than the house. Huma knew it was something that shouldn’t be.

    The wet iron smell of blood flooded over her as she backed across the bedroom to the door into the hallway. She reached behind her for the doorknob but her hand found only blank wall. She stared at the closet, afraid to turn away from it. It will come for me, she thought. It’s waiting for me to turn around. She slid along the wall, both hands reaching for the knob, ears straining for its familiar rattle. Why was the bedroom door closed? We never close it.

    The closet door opened slowly, silently.

    “أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم,” Huma whispered, the words coming to her lips for the first time since she let the Carlos the Jew enter her. She wanted to supplicate herself, to beg Allah for mercy, but she knew to go to her knees now would be death. The knob! she screamed in her mind, feeling its round coldness. Tearing her eyes away from the closet, she pulled the bedroom door open and darted into the hallway, slamming it closed behind her.

    “HILLARY!” she screamed and then, in ultimate desperation, “BILL?” but no one answered.

    Huma avoided the shadows as she ran downstairs, moving from blotches of moonlight that had pooled on the floor through the windows. The house was no longer a familiar place where she lived with her lover and her lover’s gelded husband. The plush carpet seemed to swallow her feet; furniture she had placed around the house jumped out of her, the house now a maze. Huma began to cry, tears welling in her dark eyes. She couldn’t find the front door. She couldn’t find anyone. The arched doorway into the kitchen loomed before her and she could be the door that led to the backyard through it. The door won’t work, she thought. The knob will come off in my hand. The glass will shatter in my face.

    Something came down the stairs behind her with the sound of sharpening knives and breaking wood.

    The back door opened when she tried it and she was outside in the night. Huma ran, slippers quiet on the stones of the patio, treacherous in the wet grass. She skidded to a halt when a dozen high-intensity lights came on with a sharp crack, her legs coming out from under her to dump her on the ground.

    “Huma!” the voices called, “Huma! Huma!”

    “Huma, do you have a comment?” one said over the rest.

    “Huma, can I get your reaction?” said another. They all began to overlap to a gurgling roar. A cameraman fell forward on his knees to get with her face. Another followed him, pointing his camera down at her bare legs, at her bare sex. She scrambled to cover herself and back away. They all laughed.

    They all began to overlap to a gurgling roar. A cameraman fell forward on his knees to get with her face. Another followed him, pointing his camera down at her bare legs, at her bare sex. She scrambled to cover herself and back away. They all laughed.

    “What are you all doing here?” she demanded, her voice cracking.

    “Huma,” a voice said behind her. She turned her head and a hand caressed her face.

    “Huma, I’m sorry,” Hillary said. She was in a dark purple leather pantsuit that glittered in the bright lights. She was made up in layers of foundation, her hair set expertly.

    “Ms. Clinton,” Huma said, acutely aware of the cameras.

    Hillary reached down and cupped one of Huma’s breasts under the thin silk robe.

    “Huma, what must you think of me?”

    “Ms. Clinton! Hillary! The journalists,” she said in an urgent whisper.

    Hillary waved her hand and Huma heard heavy equipment thud on the grass of the lawn, the squeal of microphone feedback. She felt warmth and wetness. In the off-angles of the lights as they lay on the lawn, Huma looked down and watched a wave of thick blood washing past her legs and feet.

    “Sacrifices have to be made, dear Huma,” Hillary said in the now silent yard.

    “What’s in the house, Hillary?” Huma whispered.

    “Something that has always been with me, love.”

    “What is it?” Huma demanded.

    Hillary stood and straightened her clothes.

    “You stay here,” Hillary said, turning to the house, “I’ll put Chelsea’s father away.”

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 50

     

    “Who are you texting?” the hair asked.

    “Shut up. Nobody,” the hat growled.

    “Are Twittering? I told you to stop Twittering!”

    The hat ignored him, Blackberry keys clattering furiously.

    “Is that Justin? Are you texting Justin? I told you to stop messing with that Canadian hairpile!”

    The hat hunched over the phone protectively.

    “Oh, fuck,” the hair moaned, “It’s drugs, isn’t it. Fucking drugs. I knew it. They aren’t going to let another courier in here again. Reince made the Secret Service pinky-swear.”

    The typing paused long enough for the blorp of an incoming text, and the hat laughed to himself.

    “TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE DOING!” the hair screamed. Donald groaned from the couch he was napping on and rolled over ponderously.

    “Oh, don’t get your follicles all in a twist,” the hat muttered, “And lower your voice. He needs his beauty rest.”

    “Give me that phone,” the hair said, reaching out for it with wispy tendrils.

    “Never!” the hat exclaimed, waddling away from the hair with a rocking motion.

    The hair leaped and landed on the hat, an uncomfortable reversal for both. The phone skittered across the desk and landed on the deep pile of the carpet with a muffled thud. Still wrestling, the hat and hair tumbled to the floor. The Oval Office phone began to ring and ring.

    “Somebody fucking answer that,” Donald grumbled.

    On the seventh ring, Donald sat up. “Seriously, what is going on? Do I have to answer on own phone? Really?” He pulled himself to edge of the couch, grunting, and stood up. The phone stopped ringing.

    “Of course,” he said, “Of course it stops when I get up. This place is madhouse. You know that? A madhouse,” he asked no one.

    “And now I’m up, dammit,” Donald said, looking around. He saw the hat and hair.

    “What are you two doing on the floor? Get off the floor. You know how much wig and hat shampoo cost? Obama couldn’t afford it, I tell you that much. I don’t care what his speaking fees are. Not with that giant wife he has to feed.”

    He bent over and picked up the hat and hair and his phone and dropped them all on his desk as tentative knocking began on his office door.

    “Total sissy knock,” Donald said to the hat, “I’m not answering a sissy knock.”

    Donald leaned against his desk and stirred the briefings he was supposed to read for the day with a finger. A couple he slid off the desk into the trashcan unread. “If it was important,” he muttered, “It’ll be on Twitter, not some dumbass paper. Who still uses paper, honestly?”

    The knocking grew louder.

    “Like, a half-sissy knock, at best,” Donald sniffed.

    “Mr. President?” came a reedy, obsequious voice.

    “Knock like a fucking man!” Donald yelled.

    “Mr. President?”

    “Knock like… oh, fuck it.” Donald jammed the MAGA hat on his head and stalked over to the door.

    “‘Kim?’ Who the fuck is ‘Kim?’” the hair said distantly, scrolling through the phone.

    When he jerked it open, Sean was standing there, a hangdog look on his sallow face. A couple of secretaries beyond him squeaked. Donald was dressed only in stained white underwear.

    “Knock. Like. A. Man. Sean,” Donald said, punctuating each word with a solid rap on the outside of the door. Sean nodded numbly.

    “Don’t just stand there, come in,” Donald said. He slammed the door after the man had shuffled in, eyes downcast to watch his feet.

    “You wanted to see me, Mr. President?” he mumbled.

    “What?” Donald said, holding up a hand to his ear.

    Sean cleared his throat. “You wanted to see me, Mr. President?”

    “Sean, you’re fired.”

    “Mr. President…”

    “No, not really, I’m just messing with you, Sean. You’re my main guy. I have all the confidence in you in the world. No one is your biggest fan but me, Sean.”

    “Oh, thank you, Mr. President,” Sean said, his face brightening.

    Donald stepped behind his desk and picked something up, straightening, he said, “No, not really, Sean. You’re fucking disgrace.”

    Donald dropped an empty copier paper box at Sean’s feet.

    “Get your shit together, but it in that box and get the fuck out of here,” Donald said.

    Sean started crying, his whole body shaking.

    “Sean! Don’t cry, Sean. I’m fucking with you, Sean. You aren’t fired. Learn to take a joke, will you?” Donald said.

    Sean sniffled loudly. “Really, sir? I’m not fired?”

    “Of course not, Sean. How can I do this without you?” Donald put an arm around the man and steered him toward the door.

    “Kim Jong-un?!?” the hair hissed at the hat. The hat chuckled back at him.

    Donald patted Sean on the back. Sean smiled and awkwardly went in for a kiss, but Donald held him off.

    “No, Sean,” he said, “ We’ve talked about this.”

    Sean nodded miserably.

    Donald left him by the door and went back to stand at his desk. He and Sean stared at each other for a full minute.

    “Can I leave, sir?” Sean asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

    “Of course, Sean,” Donald said. He drew back a barefoot and kicked the copier box at Sean.

    “Don’t forget your fucking box, Sean,” Donald said.

    Sean couldn’t hear the hat snigger.

     

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  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 49

    “That’s it,” the hair said. “You’re done.”

    “What do you mean?” the hat asked languidly. He was filthy. There was a smear of what looked worryingly like shit on his scandalously exposed sweatband.

    “That fucked up praise circle you sat up? Telling that fat idiot Ruddy that you were going to fire Mueller?”

    “Yeah, and?”

    “You’re driving this administration off a cliff.”

    “No, I’m not.”

    “That big-tittied moron Schumer even made a diss track about the praise circle.”

    “The, uh, American people need to know that the President has the, uh, full faith and support of of of his staff,” the hat said slowly.

    “No, it was some creepy Kim Jong-un shit. We are going to have to go to war with the Norks soon for the ratings. We need credibility.”

    “Get off my dick, asshole,” the hat grumbled.

    “And Mueller? You know Congress would just hire him back, right? He’d be in the same job within a few days and pissed off,” the hair said.

    “He’s doing a terrible job,” the hat said.

    “We’re going to have to send Newt out there to clean up your mess.”

    “Fuck him. That pumpkin-headed slattern is used to getting passed around like a pipe at a crack house pool party,” the hat muttered. He rocked back and forth, trying to spill white powder into a burnt and bent spoon.

    “Help me with this,” the hat said.

    “No, I’m not cooking up a hit for you.”

    “I need it. I hurt, like, all over.”

    They both froze when someone burst into the Oval Office. The man said, in a rapid, strangled cry, “On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you’ve given us to serve your agenda and the American people. And we’re continuing to work very hard every day to accomplish these goals.”

    “Get the fuck out of here, Priebus!’ the hair snapped.

    “I feel blessed! Blessed!” Reince screamed.

    “Look,” the hair said, “You broke the retard. Are you happy now?”

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 48

    “Perjury?!? I’d never perjure myself!” Donald yelled into his hair.

    “You cannot testify before Congress, Donald,” the hair replied calmly, “It’s a perjury trap.”

    “Cowardly Comey can’t get away with this,” Donald grumbled, “I have to testify.”

    “Donald,” the hair said warningly. He looked at the hat lying on his side on the President’s desk.

    “Are you going to chime in here?” the hair asked. The hat groaned. A spent needle hung from his discolored bill.

    “I am the most truthful President in the history of the entire world ever,” Donald insisted, “I’ve never told a lie.”

    “Just put me back on,” the hair said.

    “I’ ve got tapes!” Donald insisted. It was the hair’s turn to groan.

    There was a firm knock on the door of the Oval Office.

    “Someone fucking answer that!” Donald yelled.

    The knock came again.

    “Really? Nobody? Nobody is going to answer that? Am I the President or fucking what?” Donald held up his hands and mugged for a camera that wasn’t there. “Come in, it’s OPEN!”

    A lean guy with a bushy beard pushed the door open. He was all in spandex and had on a helmet.

    “Hey, uh, am I in the right place?” he asked.

    “Come in, come in,” Donald said, “And shut the door. Steve might try to come in.”

    The young man came in the Oval Office, the bicycle he pushed along beside him clicking loudly.

    “He’s like Pigpen,” Donald said, “You know Pigpen, right? Peanuts? You read Peanuts?”

    “What the fuck is this?” the hair yelped.

    “Uh, yeah,” the man said. He looked door at his phone. “I’m looking for someone called, uh, Maggie?”

    “MAGA,” the hat croaked. “He’s here to see me, Donald,” he said and louder for the courier, “Yo, over here.”

    The man leaned his bike on the humped out couch and went over to the hat.

    “How much you got?” the hat asked weakly.

    “You fucking didn’t,” the hair said.

    “You ordered eight grams, man,” the courier said.

    “Uh, yeah, right,” the hat muttered, “How much?”

    “You already paid through the app,” he said, setting packets of glassine envelopes in front of the hat.

    “Cool, cool,” the hat said, “Nice working with you. I tipped you, right?”

    “Yeah,” the courier said. He backed away to his bicycle, never taking his eyes off of Donald or the hat. “You guys have a blessed day.”

    When the door closed, the hair exploded, “You just ordered heroin delivered to the White House?!?”

    “It’s not like I can go out and get in,” the hat said.

    “We are all going to jail,” the hair wailed.

    “I’m going to testify,” Donald said again.

    “They will catch you in a lie,” the hair hissed.

    “I have never told a single lie,” Donald said, “Anyone that thinks I am less than 100% always truthful all the time is a Hillary voter. They voted for Hillary.”

    “Don’t say her name in here!” the hair screamed.

    “That which is unelected can fundraise eternal,” the hat moaned, “And with strange aeons , even that fat witch may rise infernal.”

  • The Hat and The Hair Extended Universe: Princess of Darkness

    Hillary’s saggy bulk shifted uncomfortably in her and Huma’s vast and piss-misted bed while Huma snored on oblivious. As series of faint whimpering cries brought Huma near consciousness enough for her to snort out a hitch in her breathing. She reached out and touched a sweaty fold in Hillary’s luscious back-fat without really waking and fell back into a deeper cycle of sleep. Hillary cried out faintly, unable to escape her nightmare.

    “This is not a dream,” the impersonal voice said in Hillary’s sleeping mind, echoing and tinny, fading in and out, “Not a dream. We are using your brain’s electrical system as a receiver. We are unable to transmit through conscious neural interference. You are receiving this broadcast as a dream. We are transmitting from the year two, zero, two, zero.”

    Donald’s face under a field of static. He was smiling. He was waving.

    The voice continued: “You are receiving this broadcast in order to alter the events you are seeing. Our technology has not developed a transmitter strong enough to reach your conscious state of awareness, but this is not a dream.”

    A beige map of the United States unfolded, each state outlined, Hawaii and Alaska floating awkwardly in a vanished Mexico. One by one every state turned red. Blood red. Republican red. Hillary reached out to grab the map, to crumple it. It eluded her every grasping swipe.

    The voice took on an insistent tone that cut through the static like molten steel poured on young flesh: “You are seeing what is actually occurring for the purpose of causality violation.”

    Hillary saw her own face now, frozen like a stone in grief. Chelsea clung to her arm, shaking with sobs. Huma, her face drawn and gaunt, her hair gone gray, was back a step and to the side. Balloons fell in slow motion. Huma raised a gun and opened her matte red lips to accept it.

    “You are seeing what is actually occurring for the purpose of causality violation.”

    Static rose like an army of enraged wasps.

    “You are seeing what is actually occurring for the purpose of causality violation.”

    As Huma’s brains sprayed across the blue curtain spread out behind them on the stage, Hillary saw herself turn, throwing Chelsea down. Before the Hillary on the stage could turn to kneel by her lover, the back of her pantsuit heaved and split. Static. Tentacles, pink and bloody, vomited out of her. The shot changed to a CNN anchor gone pale. She stared into the camera and suddenly threw up what looked like milk streaked with vile.

    “Causality violation,” the voice said, “This is not a dream. You must change the future. You must change the future. You must change this future.”

    Hillary screamed then, in their bedroom, fighting up out of the dream like surfacing from a cold lake. She was shivering. Huma gasped and sat up.

    “What is it, my love? What is it, my desert flower?” she whispered.

    “I’ve just gotten a message, Huma,” Hillary said haltingly through deep breaths, “I have to run in 2020. I have to.”

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 47

    “Coats! Comey! Sessions! They are all against me!” Donald screamed in the Oval Office.

    He picked up a bust of Eisenhower and threw it at one of the windows. It bounced off the tough glass and fell to the floor impotently, like a hollow metaphor.

    herp

    “All against me,” he yelled at the Presidential pillow humping couch. Jr. and Eric huddled together on it, clawing at each other in panic.

    “Bright lights!” Jr. yelped.

    “Loud noises!” Eric agreed.

    Donald snatched the hair from his head and wrung it in his hands with anxiety.

    “What are we going to do?” he asked his idiot sons, “I can’t trust anyone. They all turn on me in the end, they all betray me.”

    “Ivanka,” Eric whispered. He had wet her bed until he was 15.

    “Jared,” Jr. whispered, afraid that the fearsome bust of Dime Man would be thrown at him.

    “They are already doing what they can,” Donald replied. He had twisted the hair into a rope and was slapping against his leg as he stalked back and forth.

    “You two are just going to have to step up,” Donald said.

    He tossed the mess of hair onto his desk and picked up his beloved MAGA hat. He crossed to the couch and jammed it down on Jr.’s head roughly.

    “You are going to be Attorney General after I get rid of Jeffy,” Donald said.

    “I don’t wanna, Papa,” he said miserably. He thought about getting a blowjob on a speedboat and began to cry.

    durr

    Donald pointed at Eric. “And you will be Director of National Intelligence,” he said. “You’re smart, right? Like, national intelligence smart at least.”

    Eric nodded dumbly. He thought about calling Ivanka, but Papa got mad when he talked on his phone. He would tell her later. She would be proud of him, he thought. She might even leave Jared before Eric had to try and have him killed again.

    “Where’d he go?” Donald asked Jr., pointing at a staring Eric, but Jr. only shook his head.

    “I should have put you both in a sack when you were little and thrown you in the river,” Donald muttered.

    “Yes, Papa,” they both said in nauseating harmony.

    The hat fell off Jr.’s carefully shellacked dome of hair and landed on the couch, upside-down like a helpless turtle.

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 46

    “COVFEFE?!?” the hair screamed incredulously, “What in the hell are you doing?”

    The hat looked up from the phone he was whispering into and hissed for quiet.

    “Who are you on the phone with?” the hair demanded, crawling from the couch.

    “Look, baby,” the hat said quietly, “Imma have to call you back.”

    The phone beeped loudly in the empty confines of the Oval Office and he hung it up. Donald snorted in his sleep and scratched himself. He was draped over the office couch like abandoned meat.

    “Not that it is any of your business, but I was interrupted,” the hat’s voice was thin and reedy and he rocked back and forth.

    “What is the matter with you?” the hair asked.

    “I hit send when I was answering the phone. I’ll just delete it.” The hat raised the phone and started poking buttons. “I’ll just delete it. No one will see it.”

    “Everyone has already seen it!” the hair screamed, “The Washington Post already has a story up about it.”

    “Fake news,” the hat mumbled. The phone clattered to the desk and there was a snuffling noise.

    “What are you doing? Who were you talking to?”

    “Get off my back, Mom,” the hat said irritably.

    “What is that all over your bill?”

    “Leave me alone. Just because you get more scalp-time time doesn’t mean you are better than me.”

    The hair pulled himself slowly onto the desk, but his tendrils lashed out quickly and seized the phone.

    “Tell me what you are doing or you aren’t getting this back.”

    “But I need it, man,” the hat said. He was softly sobbing. “I just snorting a little. It’s not like I’m on the needle or anything.”

    “Heroin? You back on smack?”

    “I just need a little to get by, OK?” The hat sniffed at the dwindling white pile beside him.

    “Who gave you that?”

    “Nobody?”

    “WHO?”

    “Sean. Sean, OK. He keeps some around for press conferences.”

    “We are not done with this conversation,” the hair said sternly. He opened the outgoing call log on the phone.

    “Justin? Who the fuck is Justin? Is he Sean’s dealer?”

    “No, OK? Justin doesn’t have anything to do with this. He’s just a… a friend.”

    “Justin who? Tell me or I’ll call him. I swear to fuck I will.” The hair held a tendril menacingly over the redial button.

    “We met him in Canada. Donald gave him our number, remember?” the hat said miserably.

    “That Justin? What the fuck are you doing?!?”

    “His hair is just so beautiful. So wild. So free.”

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 45

    “IMPEACHMENT!” Donald roared, “They’ll never fucking impeach me! I won’t fucking allow it.” He lurched about the Oval Office in only his stained white underwear and Crocs. The hat and the hair watched from his desk among the other clutter of a dying presidency.

    “Will you stop posting on his Twitter?” the hair asked.

    “Never,” the hat replied, “Fucking Comey. Fucking (((Rosenstein))). I knew that fucking kike was going to fucking kike fuck us.”

    “How are you doing that?”

    “Doing what?” the hat asked, not looking us from Donald’s phone.

    “Saying ‘Rosenstein’ like that.”

    “Saying ‘(((Rosenstein)))’ like what?”

    “The way you are saying it. Why does it sound like that?”

    The hat stopped furiously tapping on the Blackberry but didn’t look over at the hair.

    “I pronounce it just fine. I’m not a fucking retard.”

    “Say ‘Rosenstein,’” the hair asked.

    “(((Rosenstein))).”

    “Rosenstein,” the hair said, “You really don’t hear the difference in the way we are saying it?”

    “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

    “Impeachment!” Donald yelled again. He was eating another Filet-O-Fish and a huge glob of tartar sauce joined the mass that had already gathered in his chest hair. He starting sobbing and sat down abruptly, shaking the room.

    “Donald,” the hat said, “Stop eating that shit and clean yourself up.”

    “I should have listened to Bernie,” Donald said between the racking sobs, “He told me. He told me.”

    “What did he tell you, Donald?” the hair asked gently.

    “He told me they would never let me be President. He was right. FAKE NEWS! Emm-Ess-Emm!” He fell forward awkwardly and rubbed his sauce-smeared chest into the Seal on the floor.

    “Call Vlad,” he mumbled.

    “Bobby Mueller. Bobby Goddamn Mueller,” the hat grumbled, “He’s going to fuck us. He’s going to Ken Starr us. I’m not testifying. I’ll hang myself first.”

    “Oh, calm down,” the hair said absently as he watched the President of the United States began to hump a throw pillow while crying.

    “I’m too pretty. You don’t know what happens to guys like me in prison. I’m not going to be some spic’s prison bitch.”

    “Would you shut up for a minute? Donald’s in real trouble here.”

    “You know what they’d do? They’s wear me over a bandana.” The hat shivered violently.

    “Donald is cracking up, man.”

    “Oh, call Ivanka. A couple of minutes face down in her Jew-polluted mom-muff will fix him right up.”

    Donald groaned and shuddered and then after a long moment went back to humping the throw pillow.

    The hat cackled as he went back to Tweeting. “Oh, God… Oh, man… I can’t wait to see Sean trying to explain this one.”

    “I think it’s Sarah Elizabeth today,” the hair said wanly.

    “The fat Huckabee daughter? Oh, man. Yeah. Get her in here. All that flab gives her swamp pussy.”

    “What?”

    “Swamp pussy. Fat girls get it like every day. That stank. And some coke. I want some fucking coke.”

    “Just hit the Coke button. It’s right there.”

    “Coke. Cocaine, you numbnuts. Dust me with it and stick me in her.”

    “You’re gross.”

    “Fold my bill, really get me up in there.”

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 44

    “COMEY!” the hat screamed, “YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” His deranged laughter pealed through the staff party like a church bell. The quadcopter he was riding darted toward party-goers at eye level and his bill stiffened whenever someone flinched.

    “Fired! Fired! Fired! Fired!,” the hair chanted, hanging from the exposed breast of an intern. She was high on cheap beer and GHB and gently pissed herself every time she laughed.

    “Did you see, did you see where if was on the news behind Comey before he’d even found out?” that hat asked no one in particular for the sixth or seventh time.

    “Where’s Donald?” the hair screamed over the pounding music.

    “How should I fucking know?” the hat replied.

    A roar went up when Kellyanne climbed onto a desk and began to gyrate.

    “She’s going to break a fucking hip,” the hair said. He squeezed the boob he was riding until the intern screamed and brushed him off. He was scooped up from the floor and passed around.

    “Dude!” he yelled to the hat.

    “Just go with it, man,” the hat yelled, hovering near the staffer who was DJing with his iPhone. The hat screamed “‘Free Bird!’” at the confused young man.

    A woman screamed when she realized she had been passed the hair and tossed it to Sean. Sean placed it over his own hair and threw his empty tequila bottle at a wall.

    “Yeaaaaaah! You’re fired! You’re fired!” Sean screamed, pointing at random people. He tried to light a cigarette while he was still screaming and burned himself with the lighter instead.

    “Do not set me on fire, you goat-fucking anal polyp!” the hair screamed.

    The quadcopter slammed in Kellyanne and she screamed, a banshee wail that everyone could feel behind their eyes. The hat righted the copter and veered away. Kellyanne wooed at top volume and tore off her blouse.

    “Ah, fuck, my eyes!” the hat yelled, “I mean, you know, if I had eyes!”

    “They look like crushed juice boxes!” the hair exclaimed.

    “I really always fucking liked you, man,” Sean said, ruffling the hair on his hair.

    “That’s great, Sean.”

    “No, I mean it, I really always did. Like from the first time I saw you.”

    Sean lurched from side to side, struggling with his belt.

    “No, Sean. No. Bad Sean. Bad!” the hair said.

    The hat swooped in and turned on the quadcopter’s camera as Sean squatted and starting shitting in an office trashcan.

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 43

    “First 100 Days! Woo!” the hair said in the pre-morning dark of the White House storage vault.

    The hat didn’t respond.

    “First 100 Days! Woo!” the hair screamed, “C’mon!”

    “First 100 Days,” the hat replied quietly.

    The hair turned on the television that they had bullied Reince into installing. The opening tones of The Today Show filled the vault. The hat groaned.

    “Oh. Em. Gee,” the hair squealed, “Look at what Savannah is wearing! It’s not only baby-shit tan, it makes her boobs look like gargoyle nutsacks.”

    “Yeah, it’s terrible,” the hat agreed.

    “And there’s Willie Geist with his big ole melonhead,” the hair noted, “I mean look at it. It’s like an old pumpkin.”

    “Yeah, it’s terrible,” the hat muttered.

    The hair sighed loudly.

    “Maybe you should see someone,” the hair said quietly.

    “I’M FINE!” the hat yelled.

    The hair gathered himself into a tight ball and swore to himself that he wasn’t going to start crying again.

    The bolts holding the vault door shot open and it swung open.

    “The Germans hissed at her,” Donald said, “they fucking hissed at her.”

    “Who, Donald?” the hair asked.

    “Ivanka,” he said. “They hissed at her. How could they hiss at a piece of primo trim like Ivanka? Have you seen the body on that girl? Three Jew kids and she’s still hot as fucking hell in a bikini.”

    “No, yeah. That’s bad, Donald,” the hair said. “Why don’t you go ahead and put me on. We got a lot to do today.”

    “No, seriously,” Donald said, “let me get my phone. I got some breastfeeding shots that are just tremendous. Her tits look even better than they did when she was a teenager, I swear.”

    “That’s OK, Donald, really,” the hair said. “We should really focus on North Korea today.”

    “North Korea, yeah, North Korea. We should bomb them again.”

    “That was Syria, Donald,” the hat muttered.

    “Oh, he speaks, does he?” Donald asked sarcastically, “It’s about time you got back in the game. I’ve been having to send my own tweets all the time. I got president shit to do. Like dinners and shit.”

    “OK, Donald,” the hat said.

    “‘OK, Dahnald,’” Donald said, mocking in his best retard voice. He lifted up the hair and jammed it onto his head.

    “Hey, careful with the goods, dammit,” the hair said.

    Donald muttered under his breath.

    “What was that?” the hat asked a small spark of his old fire flaring.

    “Nothing,” Donald said sullenly, “I want McDonald’s for breakfast. I want the Big Breakfast.” Donald stroke his belly fat like a beloved pet.

    “OK, whatever you want,” the hair said as it settled on his head.

    “And two McGriddles. I want a Big Breakfast and two McGirddles. A sausage and cheese and egg McGriddle and a bacon and cheese and egg McGriddle.”

    “Yes, of course,” the hair said. “Get your hat and we’ll go get you all that. 4000mg of sodium is a perfect way for a 70-year-old to start his day.”

    “I don’t want to take the hat,” Donald grumbled.

    “Take the hat or no breakfast, Donald,” the hair warned.

    “I don’t want to go,” the hat said.

    “It doesn’t matter what you want,” the hair said, “We have a fucking country to run. Donald! Hat! Now!”

    Donald picked up his once-beloved MAGA hat and stuffed him into his suit pocket. He shuffled away from the vault thinking only of breakfast.