Category: Literature

  • What Are We Reading – December 2017

    SugarFree

    Read another John Ferris novel, Fiends, a good take on the admittedly small psychic-Iceland-elves-take-over-a-small-Southern-town-and-skin-hippies genre. A shame really. Iceland elves are metal af. Despite the synopsis on Goodreads, the elves, The Unwashed Children of Eve, are not vampires at all, but Huldufólk. (“Elf” is apparently a pejorative, and Huldufólk is the polite term. I assume “elf” gets thrown around a lot on Huldufólk rap albums.)

    Next was A Grin of the Dark, by Ramsey Campbell. It is a clown-based twist on the book/film/book that kills you/drives you mad/compels you to murder idea. Tubby Thackeray’s silent films are almost impossible to find and even his name has been almost completely erased from film history, only a few mentions of a court case where the philosophy professor-turned-grotesque-clown was charged with inciting a riot after a screening of one of his films. Our protagonist, saddled with unemployment and a girlfriend whose parents might actually be from hell, hopes to revive his career by digging up Tubby’s lost body of work. It doesn’t go well. If you have clourophobia, avoid this, it’s all ghostly laughter and greasepaint, IT meets The Ring. But there is an internet troll in the plot that I swear is modeled on Tulpa at his most wound-up and the awful in-laws are hilariously awful indeed.

    And finally, I read The Haunted Vagina, by Carlton Mellick III. This is my second work by Mellick after being drawn in a year or so ago by his prosaically titled Baby Jesus Butt Plug. The Haunted Vagina is, as you might infer from the title, about a girl with a haunted vagina. Steve tries to learn to live with the ghostly voices from Stacy’s vagina because otherwise, she is perfect. But when an epic bout of 69 causes an adult human skeleton to crawl out of Stacy’s vagina and Steve is forced to beat it to pieces with a night table, he decides he has had enough. But the seductive Stacy convinces Steve to explore her haunted vagina, and he finds an entire haunted world. Short, to the point, and surprisingly sweet, I really liked like this novella. With such evocative titles as Satan Burger, The Faggiest Vampire, Zombies and Shit, The Menstruating Mall, and Razor Wire Pubic Hair, I will be reading more Mellick in the near future.

    Riven

    I’ve not made any progress, again, on The Skinner by Neal Asher. I’d make excuses, but I don’t have any that are good. I can’t even promise I’m going to get serious about reading next month, either, now that I have a Zelda game to play again. *And no one ever saw Riven again*

    SP

    I am simultaneously reading three very different biographies of Sir Richard Francis Burton.

    Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton: A Biography by Edward Rice (1990)

    A Rage to Live: A Biography of Richard & Isabel Burton by Mary S Lovell (1998)

    The Devil Drives: A Life of Sir Richard Burton by Fawn M Brodie (1967)

    Since I’m typing this on my phone in the dark so I don’t miss the morning deadline, I will share some commentary below later on. (I’ll also add links to save you having to enact your own book-acquiring labor.)

    Brett L

    I started 3 or 4 trashy urban fantasy “series” on Kindle unlimited. I just have to face the fact that I’ve reached the Sturgeon Limit on LitRPG and Urban Fantasy. The rest are crap. I did read Pianist in a Bordello, a debut novel that is an all-in-good-fun romp about a budding politician discussing his growing up around an often-absent (except as deus ex machina) lefist radical father and California Republican Senator grandfather. Despite the cartoonishness of his politics, a good read.

    Also, I listened to Adm. William McRaven’s Make Your Bed, which is an expansion of the great commencement speech he gave to the University of Texas’ graduating class of 2014. Still a short book, a quick listen, and great for gearing yourself up for the New Years’ resolutions and setting yourself up for the inevitable failure and disappointment.

    Old Man With Candy

    Because I cheerfully flaunt my nerdhood, I will confess to having received an e-book version of the classic Art of Electronics by Horowitz and Hill and am digging my way through. This is the 3rd edition, and it’s about double the size of my previous copy- and the additions ain’t filler. If you love electronics (and I do), this is the Torah.

    Web Dominatrix

    I’m nose deep in two great but distinctly different books right now. The first is Good Manners for Nice People who Sometimes Say Fuck, which was a delightful Christmas gift that explores how we became so rude and what we can do about it. And, after my usual Christmas Eve tradition of watching Hogfather, I’m back on a Terry Prachett kick that usually lasts til mid- February. I’m also reading his book Making Money.

  • ‘Twas the Night Before Glib-Mas

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    ‘Twas the night before Glib-Mas, and, purged of endorphins,
    Not a creature was stirring – not even the orphans.
    Booby traps and alarms were set, in fear
    That old rapist STEVE SMITH might decide to appear.

    The Glib Ones were nestled, each snug in their bunk,
    Each Glib Girl and Anarchist, and reg’lar old punk.
    Both I and my mistress, who looked really super,
    Were succumbing to an alcoholic stupor.

    When, all of a sudden, ere I could rebuke,
    Our Glib-house was hit with the force of a nuke!
    (I exaggerate, of course, but still, I was shook up
    And upset at the interruption of my hook-up.)

    I ran to the window and threw open the pane.
    Dark clouds had gathered, the moonlight did wane –
    And above the night wind’s blistering howl,
    I heard a voice; no, it was more of a growl:

    “ALL OF YOU TROLLS, BE READY FOR TAKEOFF!
    STEVE SMITH GO IN HERE, THEN WE WILL MAKE OFF
    WITH THEIR GIFTS AND PRESENTS AND CHRISTMAS BOOTY –
    ALL TROLL FLIGHT CREWS ATTEND TO YOUR DUTY!”

    I cowered in fear, for from childhood I knew
    Of the legend of STEVE SMITH and his murderous crew –
    Eight ugly trolls pulled his magical sled;
    The very sight of them filled grown men with dread.

    I stood frozen in fear, stuck right to the floor
    And heard massive footprints approaching my door;
    Then, at the last moment, dived back of a chair –
    My door was kicked open, and then, standing there

    Was STEVE SMITH, in all of his horrible glory,
    His dank body hair matted and gory.
    He possessed two incredibly bloodshot eyes;
    Oh, and a phallus of enormous size.

    The creature turned and gave me a wink,
    And just as I was beginning to think
    That I was a goner, now it appeared
    Perhaps things would not be quite as I feared.

    Instead, he turned his attention to see
    All of the Glib-gifts under the tree.
    Then it hit me like a clap of thunder –
    His purpose and intention to plunder!

    All the things we had bought, he stuffed into a sack,
    Our unopened presents, he proceeded to pack.
    All of the firearms, sex toys, and lube,
    Our home-brew kits, our blow-up dolls – hey, rube!

    This was our whole holiday he was stealing,
    But as I stood there, I had the feeling
    That if I tried to stop him, he’d pound me, I knew
    Into a greasy little pile of goo.

    So while I stood cowering, tame as a mouse,
    The creature went all about the house
    Taking all that he wanted; why, he even took
    Every Ayn Rand and Hayek and Mises book.

    When he was finally done, he heaved a great sigh,
    And again fixed me with a bloodshot eye.
    Though the beast seemed to be in a jovial mood
    I had only one thought: Holy crap, I am screwed.

    But as I stood there trembling, my mouth agape,
    The monster assured me: “DON’T WORRY, NO RAPE –
    STEVE SMITH EXHAUSTED AFTER LONG NIGHT OF THEFT.
    ALMOST FEEL SORRY, YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT.

    BUT REMEMBER THIS: GLIB-MAS NOT ABOUT EARTHLY THINGS
    BUT FREEDOM AND ALL THE JOY THAT IT BRINGS.”
    With that he stepped out, with his large pack fumbling,
    To his sled and his slave-trolls all a-grumbling.

    Within moments the over-burdened sleigh
    Rose into the sky, and then away –
    Leaving only a horrible stink.
    “No one will believe this,” I started to think.

    I was up the rest of the night explaining;
    I really don’t think I deserved the caning.
    Ah, well. As STEVE SMITH said, as he vanished from sight,
    ”MERRY GLIB-MAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”

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  • The Nick Gillespie of Posts

    Nick Gillespie is a total loser. Here’s why:

    1) Hangs out with teenagers.
    2) Dead end Editor-in-Chief job in a gas station.
    3) His office is in the bathroom at Al’s.
    4) Lives in a shitty apartment above the Cunningham’s garage.
    5) Dates bimbos like Pinky Tuscadero.
    6) Thumbs up + “AAAAAAAAYYYYY” is totally lame. Who does that?
    7) His middle name is John… only nerds are named John.
    8) Ripped off Al’s by punching the jukebox to play music rather then paying. Dick move.

  • What are we reading? November 2017

    Good day, jive turkeys! Now that we have you wrapped in a wooly blanket of tryptophan and some kind of gluttony-related guilt. We would like to discuss your reading habits.

    SugarFree

    My October horror kick held on through November. I read my first John Farris book. As much as I like the 70s and 80s horror novel boom, I missed Farris somehow. His biggest claim to fame is The Fury, the novel adapted into the film of the same name by Brian DePalma–DePalma and Amy Irving’s second swing at the telekinetic teen revenge drama that came out right after the masterful Carrie. I read All The Heads Turn As The Hunt Goes By, a pleasing blend of High Gothic’s Cursed Family, voodoo, and H. Rider Haggard’s She Who Must Be Obeyed. It starts strong, slows down for a good bit of exposition and then all hell breaks loose. Highly entertaining.

    Less so, was Colin Wilson ham-handed attempt at Lovecraft, The Mind Parasites. Written on a Dare from August Derleth after Wilson insulted Lovecraft, The Mind Parasites starts off well enough–Cyclopean cities pre-dating human civilization, madness, industrial psychology and mescaline–but collapses in a confused mess of vast mental powers unlocked through discovery and resistance to the titular Mind Parasites. If you are going to delve into Wilson, The Space Vampires is the way to go, even if, for some deranged reason, you aren’t a fan of Tobe Hooper’s lunatic 1985 adaption as Lifeforce, that movie people only watch for the nude mute space vampire girl that nearly destroys London. (Link is SFW)

    jesse

    I’ve been a bit audiobook heavy this month with Victor Gischler – Ink Mage: A Fire Beneath the Skin, (Book 1), Michael Crichton – The Great Train Robbery, and A. G. Riddle – Pandemic: The Extinction Files, (Book 1) Crichton remains a favorite light read and I’d never gotten to TGTR. The content was different than I expected but the pacing, informativeness and balance of tension and humor were exactly what I hope for when picking up a Crichton novel. Ink Mage was a solid fantasy novel that works fairly well as a standalone, but left enough hanging to make the sequel seem worthwhile. A young woman’s life is torn away from her by quisling traitors and by god she’s gonna get her duchy back. Pandemic actually reads (listens?) like a Crichton novel, although not quite to the level of one. If you like fictional conspiracies, pandemics and heroic epidemiologists, this may be the book for you.

    Napoleon Hill – Outwitting the Devil. Napoleon Hill is the godfather of the self-help movement and (allegedly) a “fraudster.Outwitting the Devil was written around the same time as his other works but was withheld from publication until everyone remotely associated with it had died. It’s a fascinating bit of autobiography and a rambling conversation with the Devil about what the Devil does to trip people up. My mother had started reading it and put it down because it was too weird (this is a woman who was telling anyone who would listen that a tetrad of blood moons on Jewish holidays over an arbitrary period of time was a portent of doom!). I’m glad I took it off her hands because while it’s an absolute hate-read, it’s an interesting insight into the completely bonkers source of modern self-help.

    Kai Ashante Wilson – A Taste of Honey is a short novel by the same author as The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps. These stories take place in a future earth with a set of gods who are really just more genetically advanced humans and mortals who are pretty standard issue, but have a bit of mutagenic witchery to them. Wilson has been lauded for queer characters of color enough that I thought I’d find Sorcerer a hamfisted trainwreck, but the diversity was handled deftly and never got in the way of storytelling. When I saw another book out, I picked it up immediately and have been delighted by the level of world-building Wilson is able to do in ~160 pages.

    Brett L

    What did I read this month? Ah yes, Mark Lawrence’s collection of shorts set in the Broken Empire world, Road Brothers. Two of these were really good and added to the whole Mark Lawrence does a great job of standing traditional fantasy on its head. The rest were not bad. The one featuring Jorg’s younger brother alive is — a bit heavy-handed.

    I also read A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch. I have read a good bit of the Gulag Archipelago, but this book has been much discussed by Jesse in particular of late. It seems like another planet where people could be worked and/or starved and/or beaten to death with great regularity for basically being exposed to other cultures. I had forgotten just how banal it all seems on the page there.

    JW

    Did you know that there’s 120 calories per serving for these Grape Nuts Flakes?

    Old Man With Candy

    SP laughs her ass off every time she sees the books in the bathroom. I’m currently immersed in Technology for Waterborne Coatings, which I got at a book sale for a buck. It’s delightful, every chapter making me wonder what’s going to happen next.

    A mystery in my life is who sent me Cork Dork, a saga of a writer’s quest to achieve the status of Master Sommelier. I know quite a few of the people she meets or discusses in this book, and if you want an account of all of the things I hated about the world of fine wine, it’s here. All of the shallowness, pretension, unhealthy obsession, gaudy show-off, and wasted lives are on display. Interestingly, at some points, you can see the author starting to face some basic economics, then quickly back away. One telling point for me was the New York restaurant-centric approach, which manages to miss the best sommeliers, Masters of Wine, wine lists, wine writers, and importers in the US- her mentors had never heard of Ann Noble, for example, which is like finding physicists who never heard of Poincaré. I have been sorely tempted to write about wine and how to avoid the sort of shit the author rolls around in. (And yes, I thought “Sideways” was an absolutely terrible movie)

    Riven

    I’m still working on The Skinner by Neal Asher. It’s been a busy month, so I’ve probably only read another chapter or two since weighing in last month. Wah wah. Maybe I’ll get more read this weekend while visiting in the in-laws?

    SP

    I’ve been enjoying revisiting the Cliff Janeway mystery series by John Dunning. I’d forgotten what a pleasure they are to read.

    Janeway is based in Denver, and although somewhat predictable in plot, I love the main character and I love the book seller tidbits sprinkled throughout. In a past life, I was tangentially involved in the rare and antiquarian book trade and these details are such fun.

    I listened to one volume from Audible while doing a cross-country drive recently. It was brilliantly read by George Guidall, perhaps my favorite book narrator of all time. It’s super handy that the audio book syncs with the e-book; a seamless transition from one device or location to the next.

     

  • What are we reading? October 2017

    It is time once again to pretend that we have education and class. Our one chance of getting invited to cocktail parties… Although I don’t know anyone who invites trashlit, science books, or self-improvement tomes to cocktail parties. We also want to know what you’re reading. Library Scientist or not, SF is going to run out of books to feed us some day.

    SugarFree

    October means I’m reading horror.

    Given the hype over the new movie (which I haven’t found a good copy to pirate seen yet,) I felt compelled to read It, probably for the 12th time since high school. It really is too bad about, ahem, that scene, because, without it, the huge novel could be pushed on anyone who ever wondered what Stephen King’s success was all about. It combines pretty much everything good King ever had to say with some of his best writing–even if a ruthless editor could have improved it by trimming away 100,000 words and a squicky sewer gangbang.

    On the other end of the scale, I also read Cujo. For such a King fan, I just never got around to Cujo, I think because someone warned me off of it. Whoever you were, you were totally right. Cujo is It as seen through a mirror darkly. At best a novella, the simple premise of Cujo is stretched kicking and screaming and biting and pissing itself to an unnecessary novel length with a boring cast of stock Maine characters who add nothing to the core conflict between mother, child and monster dog. The husband’s failing ad agency, the abusive father of the family that owns the dog, the hacky lottery ticket that sets up the deserted farm for the Cujo attack, the foul-mouthed drunk down the way who is Cujo’s first victim, and even the shithead who the mother had an affair with all mean nothing to the overall story. And the ham-fingered way King tries to tie a rabid dog back to Frank Dodd, the Castle Rock serial killer from The Dead Zone, only reminds the reader that they are reading a far, far inferior book (as does the attempt to bring back the third-person omniscient and time-bending narration from Carrie as an attempt at world-weariness.) Stephen King has admitted to being so out-of-his-mind drunk during this period that he has no conscious memory of writing the book whatsoever. He’s either lying to save face or alcoholism has a rare blessing after all.

    And since I was on a roll, I read two more 1970s books-to-movies (watching the movies again, of course, just like It and Cujo.) The Howling by Gary Brandner, the source novel for the 1981 movie of the same name–you know, the one where Elliot’s mom from E.T. turns into a Lhasa Apso–and Falling Angel by William Hjortsberg, made into 1987’s Angel Heart, where De Niro peels an egg while badly in need of a manicure and Mickey Rourke gives the second oldest Huxtable girl the Hottest Cosby of them all. The Howling is fairly mediocre, a they shouldn’t have gone there combined with man, rednecks are pretty creepy; the movie is far superior, with a kinky edge that the book couldn’t find even though it features much more werewolf sex. Falling Angel is very, very well written, and would have been a revelation to read in 1978, but decades of hard-boiled wizards has taken the punch out of its early fusion of Raymond Chandler and Dennis Wheatley.

    Brett L.

    I really don’t seem to have read much this month. Other than a couple of RFPs that included 180 page appendices on the unsuitability of their current system. Holy crap. Whoever did the consulting work on that study must have had a 2 page per thousand dollar rule. I’m sure they were aiming for exhaustive, but only reached exhausting. I did work my way through three of Tim Dorsey’s Serge Storms novels: The Big Bamboo, Hurricane Punch, and Atomic Lobster, because the Apple book store thingy had a collection and I had credits from some class action lawsuit. Anyhow, I enjoy the billion and one Florida facts Dorsey manages to cram into each book, and with several books taking place or passing through the Tampa Bay area, I’ve learned a lot of trivia about my local area. Also, in the last two, Dorsey took Serge back to doing what he does best: killing Florida Man inventively. These are fun leisure reading with all of the Florida and none of the sanctimony of that other Florida novelist from Miami.

    I also read The Skinner by Neal Asher, on SF’s recommendation. Not to steal any of Riven’s thunder, I’ll just say that Spatterjay is a fucked up universe. I’ll probably work my way through the whole thing eventually, but disembodied heads that skitter and giant killer space crabs are merely two of a host of violent and difficult to kill denizens. I will eventually work my way through more. Its good space opera that seems to center on “how can I buff these characters so I can kill them at least twice?” Which is actually a hell of a way to build a universe.

    I am listening to Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss based on a recommendation out of the comments (someone gave RC Dean credit, but if I’m wrong please correct me). Since everything is a hostage crisis negotiation when you have two toddlers, this may be the most helpful book I’ve ever read. The unfortunate downside is that I don’t have a SWAT team to bail me out when I make a mistake. Sometimes, I wish there was.

    jesse.in.mb

    Joe Abercrombie – The Blade Itself, so Brett read it last month and I largely agree with his assessment. I noticed several of you came to Abercrombie’s defense and I may be willing to pick up the next book in the series based on that, but there was some interesting world building and by the end of the book I wasn’t excited to see where the grand adventure would take me.

    Marie Kondo – Spark Joy is more practical than her declutterer’s manifesto The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, but I’m not entirely sure that I got that much more out of it than the first book. My book collection is now about 1/4 of what it was previously (Salvation Army ended up with just shy of 200 used books this weekend), and I can actually find clothes in my cabinet and closet, so I’m kinda digging the philosophy.

    Tom Merritt – Pilot X seems to be very much a play on Doctor Who plot and themes and a few times dropped some Easter Eggs related to the show “Spoilers sweeties” and the like. The story is fun and the narrator, Kevin T. Collins does a great job of bringing the story to life. The one down side is that I couldn’t stop thinking about how much the story reminded me of a Who arc.

    JW

    JW has been reading the back of a box of Post Toasties. Did you know they have thiamine, niacin, and riboflavin?

    Old Man With Candy

    I will make two confessions: first, the most interesting book I read this month was Handbook of Ring-Opening Polymerization. From the title, I thought it would be about anal sex, but I was mistaken. Nonetheless, excellent content if you’re into this sort of thing. I am tempted to experiment with microemulsification…

    Second, I never actually did read Primary Colors when it came out. I have corrected this. It’s certainly a good cynical look inside the Clinton campaign of 1996, surprisingly so for a liberal author. But my main complaint was, not nearly cynical enough.

    Riven

    So, I’m still working through The Skinner by Neal Asher, a SugarFree recommendation. I’m only about a quarter of the way through it so far as my free time this last month has definitely been on the short side. Additionally, it took me a while to “get into” this book. I was probably 10% in before things started to click into place, and the confusion surrounding the universe in which the book is set cleared to the point I could read it enjoyably. Not to say that Asher isn’t still introducing new creatures, concepts, etc., just that I think I finally have a basic grasp of the characters (and there are a lot of them) and how they relate to each other. So far the bulk of the action has taken place on one specific world, but there are references to other characters on other worlds and there have been a few scenes set off this main world, as well. It’s making for an interesting universe so far, to say the least. There are a lot of different plots all happening at the same time, and it’s sometimes difficult to see how one or another are going to tie in together. There’s still plenty of the book left for it all to come together and make some sense, though, and I can be patient.

    SugarFree here… I made this handy chart to Neal Asher’s Polity Universe that should easily clear up any questions about continuity or reading order:

     

  • What Are We Reading? September 2017

    SugarFree

    Finished the SPQR series by John Maddox Roberts. It stayed strong until the end of the books published so far in the series.

    To finally quiet the people demanding that I read it so we could discuss it, I read The Rise and Fall of D.O.D.O by Neal Stephenson. I don’t know what is going on with Stephenson anymore. D.O.D.O. is either a horribly-ended book (a Stephenson specialty) or the beginning of a series I’m not all that interested in continuing. It cribbed and remixed a bunch of different time-travel ideas from a bunch of much better books (most notably, The Doomsday Book by Connie Willis,) brewed it in a cauldron with a few characters that are either poorly-written or just uninteresting, poured it into an epistolary framework that did no one any favors and served the concoction indifferently as a competitor to far superior libations. A few interesting ideas flaccidly toyed with. Blah.

    I moved on to something I was more interested in, the new Charles Stross Laundry Files novel, The Delirium Brief.  Delirium Brief brings Bob back to the center of the action and a villian we thought long dead and mixes in the storyline from Mo’s stand-alone book, The Annihilation Score, and the serious political fallout from the events of The Nightmare Stacks. I get that Stross doesn’t want to write the same book over and over again–and I don’t want him to write the same book over and over again–but the mounting themes of middle-age ennui and marital strife are a drag, Chuck; “Less artsy, more fartsy” as Homer Simpson so eloquently put it.

    And then I got to the book I had been waiting for for a long time, the end of the Transformations trilogy by Neal Asher, Infinity Engine. For those who haven’t had the pleasure, Asher is just all science fiction high concept, wide-screen, technicolor blowshitupism. Unfolding from the events of Asher’s stand-alone novel, The Technician, the Transformation series covers one man’s war of revenge against an insane Artifical Intelligence implicated in a monstrous war crime of which he is the only known survivor. Complications ensue–wonderful, violent complications that involve vast swaths of the Polity universe, Asher’s playground for fifteen of his novels so far. My only complaint is a small one: the series is not a traditional trilogy and is best read as one long book published in three parts; it should have been one massive tome.

    Action-packed without being dumb, nuanced without being opaque, cosmic without disappearing up its own ass, Asher’s work is simply amazing. Read it. Read it now.

    Brett L

    I did my annual re-read of Taran Wanderer which is just about the most libertarian teen novel ever. If you have kids, or never got around to it, I highly recommend it. I also realized on this reading that I had long ago stolen a quotation from this book: “I’ve heard men complain about women’s work, and women complain about men’s work, but I’ve never heard the work complain about who does it.” I think my oldest is already tired of hearing: “the work doesn’t care who does it”.

    Then I read The Blade Itself, by Joe Abercrombie. Now maybe I’ve just completely burned out on the Sword & Sorcery genre, but I found this a completely inoffensive novel with some fun tweaks of the genre. And I have absolutely no desire to read the sequel. The once great kingdom has fallen to decadence, heroes are proven and gathered, and they are — at the end of the book, ready to set off on a Great Quest. That I don’t care about in the least.

    Old Man With Candy

    Besides the rather dull technical books that I love, I’ve been on an American writer kick. So to get myself out of that rut, I’ve returned to one of my favorite British writers, the one and only Eric Blair. Coming Up For Air was written and set in 1939 England, with the war about to engulf the island. It is structured as a memoir of a man who is living the proverbial life of quiet desperation and attempts to regain at least a small taste of the past. The wonderful thing about this novel is to see Blair becoming Orwell, with now-familiar motifs being presented in beta form. Absolutely delightful.

    Riven

    Well, I finished up the Sandman Slim series, or rather I finished reading all of the books that have been published. The end of The Kill Society would have been fine if there had been another book to pick up after it, but since that wasn’t the case, I was pretty disappointed. It was definitely not what I would consider a “real ending,” where most of the plot is wrapped up, nice and neat. I’ve heard it said that there will be more books to follow, and I do look forward to reading them. I’m hopeful the series will wrap at some point in the next couple/few books because I can’t stand when a series goes on long enough that it languishes. I have definitely enjoyed the ride, though. As I mentioned last month, I really dig the universe in which the story takes place. The fact that God and Lucifer are both just a couple of jerks, more or less, cracks me up, and all of the faith-based shenanigans and tomfoolery have been very entertaining, especially given my already tenuous grasp on the subject.

    I received two recommendations after I lamented the end of current reading material in the Sandman Slim series–one from HM and one from SF. Go ahead and guess who recommended which: The Skinner and Pimp: The Story of My Life. Usually I’m a one-book-at-a-time kind of woman, but I’m trying to read both of these at the same time. We’ll see how that goes.

    jesse.in.mb

    After last month’s WAWR I finished two more Audible audiobooks: Moby-Dick, which was 21 hours of unabridged audiobook…21 hours. I’m glad I’ve checked it off my list, but my interested waxed and waned quite while mainlining this over a few days. Much shorter was Octavia E. Butler’s Wild Seed. After chancing on a collection of essays and short stories, I’ve been not quite on a kick, but paying more attention to Butler. Her works are still fresh and different (Wild Seed came out in 1980) without being so unconventional as to be pretentious or jarring. I highly recommend.

    My Amazon’s Kindle First read was Soho Dead by Greg Keen. The novel was a light murder mystery in a seedy part of town and with seedy people who are trying to go straight.

    Marie Kondo, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. So I found out that there’s a potential chain of events that might lead to me moving on short notice right before Christmas and I figured now would be the right time to read a book on debulking. My main exposure to Kondo’s books—and the KonMari method in general—has been the strong responses, both cultish fandom and revulsion to her method. I don’t know that I completely buy into her position but she has decent advice on clearing away the cruft in one’s life and her perspective on our relationship to our stuff is an oddly Shinto-inflected utilitarianism, which keeps things interesting. For those who like more pictures and less text there is now The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up: A Magical Story, which I’m half-tempted to read next.

  • What are We Reading? August 2017

    SugarFree

    After the Matt Helm novels, I had to go back and read the first ten Destroyer books again. There’s was no particular reason I stopped at ten, just felt like a nice number. I’m not sure how many times I’ve read these books since I was a kid. I’ve read the series to #112, Brain Storm, and I have read all of the novels that Murphy and Sapir have written at least twice (i.e. the first 55 of them.) They are like corn chips; cheap, not very filling, salty and delicious. But reading them back-to-back shows the cracks in the formula and the wearying nature of that sort of serial fiction where at least 5% of the book is just recapitulation the set-up and background.

    In my quest to read things I wouldn’t normally try, I’ve been working my way through the John Maddox Roberts SPQR detective series, set in late-Republic Rome. This is a two-fold departure for me because I don’t read much detective fiction nor do regularly indulge in historical fiction. I’m up to the 7th book and find them very enjoyable. There is another ancient-Rome-detective series by Steven Saylor, Roma Sub Rosa, that appears to cover the exact same period. I’ll try it out in a year or so and see which is better. I’m not such a history buff that inaccuracies annoy me, so YMMY.

    jesse.in.mb

    Calexit #1. Matteo Pizzolo writes a near-future dystopia set in a besieged Los Angeles. While coming at it from a lefty slant he manages to humanize the people caught up in events regardless of side. I’m looking forward to future issues to see where he takes the series.

    A Canticle for Leibowitz. Walter M. Miller, Jr.’s 1960 novel about the collapse of society after a nuclear Holocaust, and a Catholic order founded by a Jewish weapons tech meant to keep whatever is left of civilization alive as benighted populists try to punish the literate for bringing down the fire. I was listening to this on the drive east and missed most of the saber rattling with North Korea. By the time I got caught up the novel felt frustratingly timely. Fuck.

    Little Boy Lost. I picked up this J. D. Trafford novel as a Kindle First and started reading it shortly after passing through St. Louis where the novel is set. The setting was painted lovingly and I’m massively frustrated that I didn’t get Bosnian food while there. The whodunnit aspect of the story had a great cadence although the solution was telegraphed too early. The novel touches on issues of class and race without feeling hamfisted, which is surprising these days.

    JW

    I’m reading Altered Carbon by Richard Morgan. Very enjoyable read and soon to be a series by Netflix. Recommended by SugarFree. SugarFree is a king among men–handsome, rich, virile—and the best friend I have ever had. I love SugarFree and he certainly didn’t write this for me.

    Gojira is re-reading the entire Lord of the Rings series, starting with the Silmarillion. He’s already on the last book. He hadn’t read them since college and forgot that they aren’t just the origin of so many fantasy tropes, but are actually fantastic books and a real joy to read.

    Old Man With Candy

    I’m doing a read and a re-read of two older books. In the former category, Garry Wills’s Inventing America is a deep dive into the background and creation of the Declaration of Independence, one of the most remarkable documents in human history. It’s not light reading, structured more as something like a PhD dissertation (back in the days before po-mo took over the academy), but it’s endlessly fascinating. Besides a detailed look at the creation and editing of the document, Wills makes a compelling case that the intellectual roots lie less with Locke and more with Hutcheson.

    The Vintage Mencken is a grab bag of essays and excerpts from the Bard of Baltimore, assembled by Alistair Cooke. Harsh, cynical, on point, and delightfully crafted prose, this is something you can pick up and dive into anywhere. It has been said that history never repeats itself, but it often rhymes, and reading Mencken’s political essays, one is struck by the truth of this aphorism.

    Riven

    So, I’ve been reading the Sandman Slim series. Right now I’m on book #5, Kill City Blues, and it’s been a lot of fun so far. I think the author does a decent job of giveth and taketh-away from the eponymous Slim, so he never really gets too overpowered. (And he doesn’t even walk away intact from some fights, which is fun, too.) Granted, you know he’s not going to get curb-stomped into oblivion because, c’mon, there are four more books after this one. But the author has built an interesting universe, and that helps me stay interested since I’ve always been one for the sundry details. All of the Heaven/Hell, God/Lucifer stuff is particularly fascinating to me, what with my very tenuous, Sunday school arts and crafts Bible background. Overall, I’ll finish the series unless something heinous happens in the next two or three books. I thank SugarFree again for the recommendation and for helping me realize that reading really can be fun. (It was for a long time when I was young, and then somewhere along the way it felt like anything I read needed to challenge me. Just like every movie doesn’t need to be Citizen Kane, not every book needs to be Crime and Punishment.)

    Brett L.

    Jesse and SF talked me into hate-reading Urban Enemies which featured a number of throwaway stories written from the perspective of the villain of some of the day’s hottest urban fantasy series. Most of it was mailed in. They can buy me $12 worth of drinks, each. Much more fun urban fantasy is John Conroe’s latest Demon Accords novel, Winterfall. Conroe delights in finding new and destructive ways for his demigod characters to kill people. There’s no pretense to it, just ever cooler ways of killing bad guys. I’ve read the whole series and had fun with all of them. Finally, I re-read The Half-Made World. I don’t know how to summarize this book. Animistic gods that have taken to inhabiting guns and trains respectively have squared off in a world that isn’t quite finished and can change in response to the people who inhabit it. One old man could undo both sides. A chase ensues. It’s set in a weird wold like China Meiville does, but toned down so that it doesn’t take over the whole story.

    I also read The Midnight Assassin, a non-fiction recounting of Austin’s first serial killer by long-time Texas Monthly feature writer Skip Hollandsworth. I think all of the reviews are correct. It is a good recounting, but frustrating because nobody knows who the killer was. But do stay until the end for a fun speculation on a Jack the Ripper connection.

    SP

    Revisiting Agatha Christie, re-reading some books by OMWC’s Favorite Jew, and beginning Italian Short Stories for Beginners (because I’m now 19% fluent according to Duolingo).

    sloopyinca

    I’m currently engrossed in Fun With Dick and Jane. If Puff gets run over at the end, I’ll be mightily pissed.

    Playa Manhattan

    Here’s my lame excuse for not reading: I’ve been gambling away my kids’ college funds in Vegas. But it’s OK, I have a system, and any moment now, the winning will start. I did begin reading this, but after ten minutes, my lips got tired. I figure that after the past few days, I’m due, and that’s really more important than that stupid math shit.

    Heroic Mulatto

    Pimps don’t read; they compose literature reviews. One article accepted with revisions, two other articles being prepared for submission, and one paper submitted for a conference.

  • What are We Reading? July 2017

    Sometimes you just need a good book to escape the brutal summer heat, humidity, mosquitoes plaguing America thanks to global warming (or the slushy mosquito filled taiga and bitter cold of Canadia).

    SugarFree

    Connie Willis’ The Doomsday Book, 1992 winner of the Hugo and the Nebula. Historians time travel to the past in order to record an accurate view of history, perfectly inevitable complications ensue. Not a completely new idea or anything, but Willis does a good job here, even if the novel itself could have used an editor with a strong hand. The book gets bogged down in the scenes set in the current time frame which runs as a comedy of manners set among the bumbling and back-biting academics of Oxford overseeing the project. The scenes in the past also have some repetition in the narrative which should have been caught.

    I’ve also been re-reading the Matt Helm books by Donald Hamilton for the first time since I was a teenager. They are satisfying little plot machines that chug along supported by Hamilton’s terse prose.

    I read quite a bit of the men’s adventure genre when I was in high school, like the first 80 or so Remo Williams the Destroyer novels by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir, the Proto-Punisher The Executioner series by Don Pendleton, Jerry Ahern’s The Survivalist, the Casca books by Barry Sadler (the artist behind “The Ballard of the Green Beret”) and even a smattering of the further regions of the genre as it overlapped with science fiction in C.A.D.S. (post-apocalypse man-rape Red Dawn) and T.N.T. (nuclear-powered superman acid trip.) It’s strange to think that the men’s adventure genre is almost completely dead. Not surprising, though, given the plunging reading rates for teenage and college-age males.

    jesse.in.mb

    Rhys Bowen’s In Farleigh Field: A Novel of World War II. If historical fiction about Britain in WWII and ladies working at Bletchley Park is your thing, this book’s for you.

    A little more frivolous is Shirtless Bear Fighter from Image Comics. I appreciate Image’s willingness to get weird, and weird is how they get with SBF. Imagine a world where a kickass and pretty frequently naked (and always shirtless) man raised by bears goes on a bear punching spree. It’s absolutely ridiculous and I’m looking forward to future issues.

    JW

    Playboy, but just for the pictures. He promises.

    Old Man With Candy

    It’s been a bad month for reading- work crunches, jesus-is-it-Tuesday-already? website demands, and trying to catch up on the writing I get paid for… shitty excuses. But I still did manage to pile through Robert Silverberg’s The Alien Years, which I had somehow skipped when it came out. In a sense, it’s The Aristocrats of science fiction, a story that’s been done a million times, but it’s still fun to watch someone masterful riff on it. There’s a lot of Niven-Pournelle influence on the story, and that’s not a bad thing. But at its core, it’s still pure Silverberg. 

    Riven

    After reading the entire Hollows series last month, I’ve really slowed down. You know when you finish a book series and it feels like you lost a good friend? Yeah. SugarFree recommended to me–you’ll notice I read a lot of SF recs–the Sandman Slim series to help fill the void. The first book was pretty enjoyable, but I’ve yet to pick up the second. It definitely had a pulpy, noir feel to go with the detective atmosphere. While it dealt with supernatural topics–demons, angels, vamps, etc.–it was firmly set in present-day Hollywood, but it managed not to pit these elements against each other. I liked the nuance in the characters: angels aren’t necessarily “good,” demons aren’t always 100% a dick, some characters are flawed and others are biased. I was also pleased that there wasn’t a big, sappy romance in the middle of what was essentially a story about revenge, and a rather gory one, at that. I’m sure ‘Slim’ will eventually meet and settle down with some seriously broken-inside femme fatale (and they’ll magically fix/complete each other), but I’m glad that it’s a story for another book in the series. It’s likely that I will pick up the next book next month, unless I’m still stuck on the Hollows, which I’ve debated rereading in its entirety.

    Brett L.

    Mark Lawrence’s latest work Red Sister, which I started pimping last month is totally worth your money. Yes, yes, it has the person-equivalent of a nuclear weapon living in a village far from anywhere who just happens to fall into the hands of someone who can train them to be great, but his ability to add some subtle twists and turns to the genre stable is what makes Lawrence a standout writer.

    In a disappointing moment, Charlie Stross’ latest Laundry novel Delirium Brief was like re-reading the 5th book of the Dark Tower series all over again. Watching a beloved series just fucking shred itself in front of your eyes is really sad. I will say that the action moves right along, but there are some ginormous fucking plot holes. Somehow this [SPOILER-LADEN RANT REDACTED]. Anyhow, I am disappoint.

    Additionally, I found the femlit equivalent to dudelit “harem building”. If you’re not familiar with the trope, somehow the brave male hero manages to attract not one but usually three or more women who should be a match for him and they are all willing to share him. It seems to run rampant in the Amazon Unlimited universe. In the Curse of the Gods series, a young woman of the serving race (yes, race) is taken to be a servant to a school of (basically) demigods, and what do you know the four most powerful brother who are outright demigods basically adopt her, demand that she be schooled with them, and make a pact to not have sex with her, even though they want to (and she seems pretty down), because being demigods they might literally kill her. I will probably not be reading any additional books in the series, but it was an interesting trope inversion.

    SP

    I’m looking through Real Artists Don’t Starve by Jeff Goins. If you aren’t familiar with him, you can learn a bit about what he’s about here. Nothing earth-shaking within, but I personally like Jeff, so I picked it up.

    With uncertainty swirling around us in the current work world, I’ve started reading Start Late, Finish Rich by David Bach. Not much new here, but Bach at least makes the reader feel as if they can change their condition. Spoiler: spend less, save more and invest more. (On a related side note, I’m a big fan of services that allow one to micro invest on autopilot. <– not intended to be financial advice.)

    In fiction, I’ve just started Justice Burning, the second outing for Scott Pratt’s Darren Street character, a traumatized former defense attorney. I am not as big a fan of Street as I am of Joe Dillard, Pratt’s protagonist in his earlier series, but I’ll probably finish it.

    sloopyinca

    Sloop is reading The Neverending Story and contemplating whether the chapters constitute a countable infinity.

    Playa Manhattan

    When I’m not enjoying the infographics at USA Today (McDonald’s newspaper of record), I read cookbooks.   Currently, I’m reading Modernist Cuisine.

     

  • Ellsworth Toohey on How to Rule All of Mankind (A Selection from “The Fountainhead”)

    As Jerome Tuccille once observed, it usually starts with Ayn Rand. In this section from The Fountainhead, she clearly outlines the master plan of all tyrants throughout history, and the parallels to our present situation are ominous, indeed.

    “What do you want Ellsworth ?”

    “Power, Petey. I want to rule. Like my spiritual predecessors. But I’m luckier than they were. I inherited the fruit of their efforts and I shall be the one who’ll see the great dream made real. I see it all around me today. I recognize it. I don’t like it. I didn’t expect to like it. Enjoyment is not my destiny. I shall find such satisfaction as my capacity permits. I shall rule.”

    “Whom…?”

    “You. The world. It’s only a matter of discovering the lever. If you learn how to rule one single man’s soul, you can get the rest of mankind. It’s the soul, Peter, the soul. Not whips or swords or fire or guns. That’s why the Caesars, the Attilas, the Napoleons were fools and did not last. We will. The soul, Peter, is that which can’t be ruled. It must be broken. Drive a wedge in, get your fingers on it – and the man is yours. You won’t need a whip – he’ll bring it to you and ask to be whipped. Set him in reverse – and his own mechanism will do your work for you. Use him against himself. Want to know how it’s done? See if I ever lied to you. See if you haven’t heard all this for years, but didn’t want to hear, and the fault is yours, not mine.

    There are many ways. Here’s one. Make man feel small. Make him feel guilty. Kill his aspiration and his integrity. That’s difficult. The worst among you gropes for an idol in his own twisted way. Kill integrity by internal corruption. Use it against himself. Direct it towards a goal destructive of all integrity. Preach selflessness. Tell man that altruism is the ideal. Not a single one has ever reached it and not a single one ever will. His every living instinct screams against it. But don’t you see what you accomplish ? Man realizes that he’s incapable of what he’s accepted as the noblest virtue – and it gives him a sense of guilt, of sin, of his own basic unworthiness. Since the supreme ideal is beyond his grasp, he gives up eventually all ideals, all aspiration, all sense of his personal value. He feels himself obliged to preach what he can’t practice. But one can’t be good halfway or honest approximately. To preserve one’s integrity is a hard battle. Why preserve that which one knows to be corrupt already? His soul gives up its self respect. You’ve got him. He’ll obey. He’ll be glad to obey – because he can’t trust himself, he feels uncertain, he feels unclean. That’s one way.

    Here’s another. Kill man’s sense of values. Kill his capacity to recognize greatness or to achieve it. Great men can’t be ruled. We don’t want any great men. Don’t deny conception of greatness. Destroy it from within. The great is the rare, the difficult, the exceptional. Set up standards of achievement open to all, to the least, to the most inept – and you stop the impetus to effort in men, great or small. You stop all incentive to improvement, to excellence, to perfection. Laugh at Roark and hold Peter Keating as a great architect. You’ve destroyed architecture. Build Lois Cook and you’ve destroyed literature. Hail Ike and you’ve destroyed the theater. Glorify Lancelot Clankey and you’ve destroyed the press. Don’t set out to raze all shrines – you’ll frighten men, Enshrine mediocrity – and the shrines are razed.

    Then there’s another way. Kill by laughter. Laughter is an instrument of human joy. Learn to use it as a weapon of destruction. Turn it into a sneer. It’s simple. Tell them to laugh at everything. Tell them that a sense of humor is an unlimited virtue. Don’t let anything remain sacred in a man’s soul – and his soul won’t be sacred to him. Kill reverence and you’ve killed the hero in man. One doesn’t reverence with a giggle. He’ll obey and he’ll set no limits to obedience – anything goes – nothing is too serious.

    Here’s another way. This is most important. Don’t allow men to be happy. Happiness is self-contained and self-sufficient. Happy men have no time and no use for you. Happy men are free men. So kill their joy in living. Take away from them what they want. Make them think that the mere thought of a personal desire is evil. Bring them to a state where saying ‘I want’ is no longer a natural right, but a shameful admission. Altruism is of great help in this. Unhappy men will come to you. They’ll need you. They’ll come for consolation, for support, for escape. Nature allows no vacuum. Empty man’s soul – and the space is yours to fill.

    I don’t see why you should look so shocked, Peter. This is the oldest one of all. Look back at history. Look at any great system of ethics, from the Orient up. Didn’t they all preach the sacrifice of personal joy ? Under all the complications of verbiage, haven’t they all had a single leitmotif: sacrifice, renunciation, self-denial ? Haven’t you been able to catch their theme song – ‘Give up, give up, give up, give up’ ? Look at the moral atmosphere of today. Everything enjoyable, from cigarettes to sex to ambition to the profit motive, is considered depraved or sinful. Just prove that a thing makes men happy and you’ve damned it. That’s how far we’ve come. We’ve tied happiness to guilt. And we’ve got mankind by the throat.

    Throw your first born into a sacrificial furnace – lie on a bed of nails – go into the desert to mortify the flesh – don’t dance – don’t go to the movies on Sunday – don’t try to get rich – don’t smoke – don’t drink. It’s all the same line. The great line. Fools don’t think that taboos of this nature are just nonsense. Something left over, old-fashioned. But there’s always a purpose in nonsense. Don’t bother to examine a folly – ask yourself only what it accomplishes. Every system of ethics that preached sacrifice grew into a world power and ruled millions of men.

    Of course, you must dress them up. You must tell people they’ll achieve a superior kind of happiness by giving up everything that makes them happy. You don’t have to be too clear about it. Use big vague words. ‘Universal Harmony’ – ‘Eternal Spirit’ – ‘Divine Purpose’ – ‘Nirvana’ – ‘Paradise’ – ‘Racial Supremacy’ – ‘the Dictatorship of the Proletariat.’ Internal corruption, Peter. That’s the oldest one of all. The farce has been going on for centuries and men still fall for it.

    Yet the test should be so simple: just listen to any prophet and if you hear him speak of sacrifice – run. Run faster than from a plague. It stands to reason that where there’s sacrifice, there’s someone collecting sacrificial offerings. Where there’s service, there’s someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice, speaks of slaves and masters. And intends to be the master. But if you ever hear a man telling you that you must be happy, that it’s your natural right, that your first duty is to yourself – that will be the man who has nothing to gain from you. But let him come and you’ll scream your empty heads off, howling that he’s a selfish monster. So the racket is safe for many, many centuries.

    But here you might have noticed something. I said, ‘It stands to reason’. Do you see ? Men have a weapon against you. Reason. So you must be very sure to take it away from them. Cut the props from under it. But be careful. Don’t deny outright. Never deny anything outright, you give your hand away. Don’t say reason is evil – though some have gone that far and with astonishing success. Just say that reason is limited. That there’s something above it. What ? You don’t have to be too clear about it either. The field’s inexhaustible. ‘Instinct’ – ‘Feeling’ – ‘Revelation’ – ‘Divine Intuition’ – ‘Dialectic Materialism’. If you get caught at some crucial point and somebody tells you that your doctrine doesn’t make sense – you’re ready for him. You tell him there’s something above sense. That here he must not try to think, he must feel. He must believe. Suspend reason and you play it deuces wild. Anything goes in any manner you wish whenever you need it. You’ve got him. Can you rule a thinking man ? We don’t want any thinking men.”

    Keating had sat down on the floor, by the side of the dresser. He did not want to abandon the dresser; he felt safer, leaning against it.

    “Peter, you’ve heard all this. You’ve seen me practicing it for ten years. You see it being practiced all over the world. Why are you disgusted ? You have no right to sit there and stare at me with the virtuous superiority of being shocked. You’re in on it. You’ve taken your share and you’ve got to go along. You’re afraid to see where it’s leading. I’m not. I’ll tell you.

    The world of the future. The world I want. A world of obedience and of unity. A world where the thought of each man will not be his own, but an attempt to guess the thought of the next neighbor who’ll have no thought – and so on, Peter, around the globe. Since all must agree with all. A world where no man will hold a desire for himself, but will direct all his efforts to satisfy the desires of his neighbor who’ll have no desires except to satisfy the desires of the next neighbor, who’ll have no desires – around the globe, Peter. Since all must serve all. A world in which man will not work for so innocent an incentive as money, but for that headless monster – prestige. The approval of his fellows – their good opinion – the opinion of men who’ll be allowed to hold no opinion. An octopus, all tentacles and no brain.

    Judgement, Peter ! Not judgement, but public polls. An average drawn upon zeroes – since no individuality will be permitted. A world with its motor cut off and a single heart, pumped by hand. My hand – and the hands of a few, a very few other men like me. Those who know what makes you tick – you great, wonderful average, you who have not risen in fury when we called you the average, the little, the common, you who’ve liked and accepted these names. You’ll sit enthroned and enshrined, you, the little people, the absolute ruler to make all past rulers squirm with envy, the absolute, the unlimited, God and Prophet and King combined. Vox populi. The average, the common, the general.

    Do you know the proper antonym for Ego ? Bromide, Peter. The rule of the bromide. But even the trite has to be organized by someone at some time. We’ll do the organizing. Vox dei. We’ll enjoy unlimited submission – from men who’ve learned nothing except to submit. We’ll call it ‘to serve’. We’ll give out medals for service. You’ll fall over one another in a scramble to see who can submit better and more. There will be no other distinction to seek. No other form of personal achievement.

    Can you see Howard Roark in this picture ? No ? Then don’t waste time on foolish questions. Everything that can’t be ruled, must go. And if freaks persist in being born occasionally, they will not survive beyond their twelfth year. When their brain begins to function, it will feel the pressure and it will explode. The pressure gauged to a vacuum. Do you know the fate of deep-sea creatures brought out to sunlight? So much for future Roarks. The rest of you will smile and obey. Have you noticed that the imbecile always smiles ? Man’s first frown is the first touch of God on his forehead. The touch of thought. But we’ll have neither God nor thought. Only voting by smiles. Automatic levers – all saying yes…

    Now if you were a little more intelligent, you’d ask: What of us, the rulers ? What of me, Ellsworth Monkton Toohey ? And I’d say, Yes, you’re right. I’ll achieve no more than you will. I’ll have no purpose save to keep you contended. To lie, to flatter you, to praise you, to inflate your vanity. To make speeches about the people and the common good. Peter, my poor old friend, I’m the most selfless man you’ve ever known. I have less independence than you, whom I just forced to sell your soul. You’ve used people at least for the sake of what you could get from them for yourself. I want nothing for myself. I use people for the sake of what I can do to them. It’s my only function and satisfaction. I have no private purpose. I want power. I want my world of the future. Let all live for all. Let all sacrifice and none profit. Let all suffer and none enjoy. Let progress stop. Let all stagnate. There’s equality in stagnation. All subjugated to the will of all. Universal slavery – without even the dignity of a master. Slavery to slavery. A great circle – and a total equality. The world of the future.”

    “Ellsworth… you’re…”

    “Insane ? Afraid to say it ? There you sit and the world’s written all over you, your last hope. Insane ? Look around you. Pick up any newspaper and read the headlines. Isn’t it coming ? Isn’t it here? Every single thing I told you ? Isn’t Europe swallowed already and we’re stumbling on to follow ? Everything I said is contained in a single word – collectivism. And isn’t that the god of our century. To act together. To think – together. To feel – together. To unite, to agree, to obey. To obey, to serve, to sacrifice. Divide and conquer – first. But then, unite and rule. We’ve discovered that one last. Remember the Roman Emperor who said he wished humanity had a single neck so he could cut it ? People have laughed at him for centuries. But we’ll have the last laugh. We’ve accomplished what he couldn’t accomplish. We’ve taught men to unite. This makes one neck ready for one leash. We found the magic word. Collectivism.

    Look at Europe, you fool. Can’t you see past the guff and recognize the essence ? One country is dedicated to the proposition that man has no rights, that the collective is all. The individual held as evil, the mass – as God. No motive and no virtue permitted – except that of service to the proletariat.

    That’s one version. Here’s another. A country dedicated to the proposition that man has no rights, that the State is all. The individual held as evil, the race – as God. No motive and no virtue permitted – except that of service to the race. Am I raving or is this the harsh reality of two continents already ? If you’re sick of one version, we push you in the other. We’ve fixed the coin. Heads – collectivism. Tails – collectivism. Give up your soul to a council – or give it up to a leader. But give it up, give it up, give it up. Offer poison as food and poison as antidote. Go fancy on the trimmings, but hang on to the main objective. Give the fools a chance, let them have their fun – but don’t forget the only purpose you have to accomplish. Kill the individual. Kill man’s soul. The rest will follow automatically.”

  • Florida Man Episodes IV

    Florida Man shook himself awake to the sound of cops banging on the door. Shit. Pausing only long enough to see whether he had pants to keep the police dog from chewing on his nuts if it was going to be that kind of chase, he staggered away from the sound of knocking. Where the Hell was he anyways? It was like he was in a boat, but it wasn’t rocking. Fuck. He hoped it wasn’t the FWC. The Grouper Troupers have all sorts of fun motorized vehicles that make escaping on foot (or by swimming) hard.

    Oh look, Florida Man, thought. I am in a boat. It’s just grounded. That makes sense, but you can’t assume things about what people will build for a house in Florida. Throwing a leg over the side, FM saw that there were cops waiting for him.

    “Please, bro. Don’t tase me!” Florida Man called, throwing up his hands and falling to his knees. “I’ve got a bitchin’ headache, my mouth tastes like a bus driver’s ass smells, and people spent all day yesterday punching the shit out of me.”

    A deputy approached and said, “Sir, is this your boat?”

    “Nope. Never seen it before in my life.”

    “So you don’t know whose boat this is? Because it seems to be lying on its side in the middle of a beach. Do you know how it got here?”

    Florida Man thought fast.

    “No, sir. I, uh, had just come aboard right before you got here to see if anyone was here or hurt. It does seem strange to come upon a nice boat like this on Daytona Beach.”

    The deputy was giving him the cop stare, hoping Florida Man would get nervous and say something else. The silence went on for half a minute. Then one of the other deputies walked up and said, “Hey, aren’t you that guy who got beat up yesterday at that softball game?”

    FM nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “That was me. I’m a little unclear on the in-between. I had, like, a bunch of 4Lokos and blacked out.”

    The second deputy said, “Well, anyone who is friends with a Polk County Sheriff’s deputy is friends with me. We ain’t kick your ass for trying to a good deed up here. You can go and have a nice day.”

    Florida Man turned and started walking away, amazed at his dumb luck.

    “Hey, boy!” A deputy shouted.

    Florida Man tensed to run, but turned around, his face a rictus grin of fear.

    “I think you dropped your cell phone and your wallet while you was in there!”

    Florida Man walked back to retrieve his phone and wallet, certain he was going to jail yet again.

    “You okay, boy?” The deputy with his possessions asked.

    “Yeah, I, uh. Bad seafood. I’m gonna have to find somewhere soon.”

    Florida Man retrieved his phone and wallet. He did a fine impression of a man with a bad shrimp about to paint his pants walking away. Thank goodness that the average Florida cop was recruited from the same pool as his minions, he thought, scrolling through his phone. It was the only thing that gave him the slightest hope of one day ruling all that the Mouse did not claim.