Category: Opinion

  • A charlatan, a Bagdhad Battery and a six year old pixie

    While I was at work, I was given a menial task requiring that I extract medical documentation for an audit. Given the mindless nature I decided I needed some background noise and I wasn’t really up for music at that point in the day so I pulled up YouTube and came across this video from Stefan Molyneux titled, “Why I was wrong about Libertarians.”

    Yeah, I know. So here’s where I engage a bit in a little virtue signaling over Molyneux. He is basically a personified version of Mike Hihn. No, I am not saying he is a 68 year old shell of a person, waiting for a male nurse to change his diaper while still living in his mother’s basement. What I am saying are his arguments and his approach to principle requires such rigid adherence, it is nearly impossible to apply it in the real world. Nobody can realistically live to such a standard. That said, many of his arguments are very well researched and he does put a lot of effort in building the logical framework to support his conclusions.

    I should warn you, it’s mostly him staring into the camera 12 inches from his face in his steely-eyed, condescending, bald white guy with an accent, shtick. Watch the video, (or don’t) but fair warning: it’s almost an hour long.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZzeC06hVvA

    Since nobody clicks links around here, here’s the Cliff’s Note’s version: In general, we have so little influence over the culture that we seem to believe it, gives us a pass for not living up to principle. Actions speak louder than words, as they say. If we are to preach NAP, but don’t live it, nobody will take us seriously. I’m a Federal worker, so I am very much guilty of this myself. I won’t get mad if you call me a mexican slaver, it’s probably true. To his credit, he does give an example or two where we can make such a change.

    Specifically what hit me is around the 6:30 mark where he talks about spanking your children.

    Does spanking violate NAP? Molyneux seems to think so. I find this a bit problematic because I have spanked my children in the past, mostly because I was spanked as well. I approached libertarianism from the cultural right like many. Yes, like nearly all Hispanics (or whatever adjective you prefer), I am Catholic and that authoritarian “there are rules to life” attitude, coupled with a patriarchal culture, generally means corporeal punishment fell neatly into the child rearing toolbox. Plus, since I was often around 18-19 year olds in the Air Force and working on high voltage power lines, it was a handy tool as an NCO, as well, because NCOs are often surrogate parents. It’s quick, to the point, and most importantly, the idea that you did something wrong has a tendency to stick around for a while—quite literally, because it hurts. Great for that stupid Airman looking to get himself electrocuted. I also go for hand slapping, and egregious offenses (mostly Airman) got a hand to the occipital bone; they recover quickly.

    Yet, violence begets violence. While nobody died on my worksite, a fact I am still somewhat proud of given the tendency for high voltage military assets to explode due to operator error, I could have easily been charged with assault. I was called to my son’s school when he punched a kid for reasons he still won’t tell me. Growing up, one of the few memories of my dad was my being scared to death after I talked back. My youngest son is now the same age I was from that memory. I could be a terrifying figure as he is one tenth my size.

    The easiest way to create another libertarian is to be one in front of your children; chances are they will emulate you, so to make a long story short, that douchebag has a point.

    Which brings me to last Saturday. My oldest son has a book filled with random projects he can build with household items. One of them he was interested in was the classic, potato powered light bulb. We decided to take it a step further by assembling a small lamp powered by a Bagdhad Battery.

    Off to the hardware store we go with my six year old daughter deciding to tag along. Now, my relationship with my daughter is much different than my two sons. I don’t believe children bond with their parents as an infant; it comes about 3-4 months later when they begin to walk and interact with the world. I was in Iraq while my oldest son was that age so there is something…missing. That same thing is missing between my wife and daughter, as my wife was in Afghanistan while she was that age–my daughter and I are very close. So we get to Ace Hardware, I pay for our material, we hop back in the Jeep, and head home.

    She took a long time hopping out of the Jeep and had a curious gait walking back into the house. I stopped her, and asked what she was hiding and she says, “Nothing.” I asked again, pointing out she has a square item hidden under her dress, that she is holding in her hand and she again replied, “Nothing.” I pull up her dress (don’t go there) and reveal a small tin of Altoids. She then proceeded to tell me that my sister gave her that and said she could eat it in the car.

    Bullshit. NOBODY EATS IN MY CAR.

    Oddly enough, when I told my wife what happened she told me that she shoplifted on occasion until the age of ten, which added another WTF to my weekend.

    Eventually, I got it out of my daughter that she found it at the hardware store in the impulse buy section and she slipped it under her dress while the cashier and I were verifying that I cut my body length of stranded, #14 AWG copper wire, exactly 71 inches, priced appropriately at $0.49/foot. I could’ve slapped her hand then but I decided not to. You people are always complaining that there are no libertarian women, so maybe I’ll try to do my part. Don’t get any bad ideas OMWC…

    I first told her since she was going to steal from the store, I was going to steal from her. I had her pick her favorite shoes (she likes shoes) and set them in a box. I then considered this was non-productive because her favorite shoes are silver boots, and since we live in Phoenix she won’t wear them until October, anyway. This also creates a double standard a six year old can recognize. I settled for making her watch her brothers eat strawberry shortcake that evening.

    This upset her, so I took her to her room and explained to her why she wasn’t getting cake. The lesson however, was the can of mints was an item for sale. Selling the mints means the store gets money for the mints. If the store has money, they can continue to stay open and sell more mints for people that want them. If enough people want or need mints, the store will have to hire people to be able to stock and sell these mints. To sum it up for a 6 year old, she was stealing from the workers, because the mints pay their salary. She was stealing from the store owner (ACE is a franchise, it’s why I shop there), the cranky old man in the back that makes keys, because the mints help pay his lease and his livelihood. Finally, she was stealing from me, because all crime is the theft of something valuable. In this case, she stole my trust.

    She was crying after that so in a way, maybe I did hit her. She recovered fairly quickly and is still a six year old pixie.

    How’d I do?

  • Firearms Friday: Funny Gun Guys

    Let’s take it down a notch and have a little fun this week. This… is Carnik Con.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFpvY1lIp4g

    Carnik con is what you would get if you took Homestar Runner, added a class 3 FFL, and served it on top of some Monty Python. It is hands down the absolute funniest and most awesome gun related youtube channel, probably of all time. Carnik con was created by Dugan Ashley, who also starred in, directed, and edited the videos as well. It launched in 2013 and quickly gained popularity in the circles of the ballistically inclined for its humor, slick production quality, and fuckton of awesome guns. What’s notable is the sheer variety of different types of content produced. There’s general gun knowledge:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0ACX6ZcqTU

    Insightful firearms reviews:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZTRjXD7AVU

    Tactical training for operators:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZepJFmFB7BE

    Historical Content:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqpHU0oLG2Y

    And of course, the musical smash hit ‘Hold an AK’, whose single went triple platinum mere days after release.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgpEuCUm6SE

    Sadly, we will never realize the full potential of this bold visionary. Dugan ended the Carnik con program near the end of March 2015, which I have determined to be the cruelest and most effective April fools prank in history. Thankfully the videos are still up, and despite the last video airing almost 2 years ago it still has over 100,000 subscribers.

    Just when it seems darkest, however, a light appears on the horizon. The torch may have been passed to a new generation. Allow me to introduce Firepower United, starring Phuc Long:

    Marvel at his tactical skills:

    Gaze in awe at his mastery of common vernacular:

    Be dazzled by his historical knowledge:

    Phuc’s videos lack the polish and finesse of his sweater clad predecessor, but I find his videos wildly entertaining nonetheless. Needless to say, I recommend you check out both channels.

     

  • Firearms Friday: NFA Noncompliance

    My kind of tea party.

    I have been a libertarian, to varying degrees and levels of enlightenment, for all of my adult life and probably most of my childhood as well. There is not really a defining event I can point to as a road to Damascus moment regarding politics. If there is one thing, however, that I can hold up as a shining example of why I believe that government is inept, corrupt, and generally full of more shit than the third member of the human centipede, it is the National Firearms Act. The NFA is quite possibly the worst law in America. It simultaneously violates the constitution, endangers human health, gives bureaucrats massive power, places unreasonable burdens on civil rights, bans or heavily restricts otherwise common products, and does all of this while not actually performing any useful function. Add in the fact that we have had this dumpster fire on the books for over EIGHTY FUCKING YEARS and the prospects for recovery are grim. In order to keep this post out of the novella section, I won’t go too deeply into details, but the cliff notes version is that rifles with barrels less than 16 inches in length are considered ‘short barreled rifles’ and are a royal pain in the ass to buy and make. They cost an extra $200 dollars per gun to register and registration can take up to a year. Silencers are also similarly restricted because… reasons? I honestly don’t know. I guess they just hated gun owners so much they wanted them all to blow their eardrums out. If you want to know more the Wikipedia page is linked above.

    The gun on the left is considered a short barreled rifle, subject to heavy regulation and a federal felony for unlicensed possession. The gun on the right is an AR pistol, legal almost everywhere with no special permits.

    Fortunately, like most bad laws, the NFA is complex and poorly written. This allows freedom loving capitalists to find loopholes to exploit for fun and profit. And exploit them we have! Using just a bit of technical understanding and a careful reading of the law, some clever individuals have found suitable workarounds for most of the restrictions that the NFA has created. The most common of these available are AR/AK pistols. As I stated before, if you have a rifle with an overall length less than 26 inches or a barrel less than 16 inches, it is considered a sbr. If the gun does not have a stock, however, then the ATF has decided in their benevolence that this is a pistol. I wrote about these kinds of pistols in my last post so I won’t repeat myself too much, but these can be extremely fun and useful guns if you need something handy and compact with lots of firepower. By themselves, these guns are fairly awkward to handle, but if you attach a single point sling or an arm brace (more on that below), they become extremely viable systems. They are very common and affordable. You cannot, however, just take a normal rifle and cut it down. If you make a pistol out of a rifle, then by law you have made a SBR or AOW even if you remove the stock. It has to come from the factory as a pistol or you have to build it as a pistol from parts. You can take a pistol and make into a rifle though, and then take that rifle back to a pistol with no problems. The other thing you cannot do is attach a vertical foregrip to a pistol, ANY pistol. Doing this makes the gun an AOW in the eyes of the ATF and you go to prison. Angled foregrips, however, are completely kosher. I told you this law was retarded.

    I mentioned before that a SBR is a gun that has a barrel length less than 16 inches or an overall length less than 26 inches. What if you have a gun with no stock, a barrel length less than 16 inches and an overall length greater than 26 inches? Is it a rifle? Nope. Is it a SBR? Wrong again. Is it a handgun? Not that either. What you have is a class of weapons known simply as ‘firearms’. This is a relatively new breed of gun that first came to the forefront when a company named Franklin Armory debuted their XO 26. It is an AR with an 11 inch barrel, no stock, and a foregrip. Normally foregrips on this type of gun are verboten, but because it is longer than 26 inches it is beyond the purview of the NFA as long as you don’t put a stock on it. The vertical foregrip doesn’t sound like much but it actually does make a gun like this a lot easier to shoot. Plus it’s a nice fuck you to the gov, which is a reward unto itself. You don’t have to buy that version, you can make your own if you like. As long as the gun was not originally a rifle, it can be made into a firearm. Just make sure the overall length is greater than 26 inches. 

    The remake of 'Hobo With a Shotgun' looks kind of lame.
    Dual wield for extra DPS.

    Okay, so a foregrip on an AR is probably not the most exciting thing ever. How about a short barreled pistol grip shotgun? As I said before, a shotgun must have a barrel length greater than 18 inches. Unlike rifles, there are no pistol loopholes in regard to smooth bore guns, so you can’t simply build a stockless shotgun and call it a pistol. BUT, if you have a shotgun with an overall length greater than 26 inches, a barrel length less than 18 inches, and no stock, you officially have a ‘firearm’. Enter the Mossberg Shockwave. This is a pump action 12 gauge with a 14 inch barrel. The secret is the shockwave birds head grip. The grip sticks out almost inline with the barrel, unlike a traditional pistol grip. This grip is what gives the gun the overall length needed to beat the NFA and escape regulation. They still lack a stock so they are not the most stable shooting platform, but they are definitely useful at close range, and they are short enough to be holstered like a large handgun. They would make an excellent car gun or even home defense weapon. I plan on picking one of these up when prices level off.

    Now let’s get into some really fun stuff. How do you get around the machine gun ban? When you get right down to it, the functional difference between a semi auto gun and a full auto one is simply a matter of how fast you can pull the trigger. Some of you may be familiar with a technique known as bump firing, in which you hold a gun in such a way that the recoil of the gun causes your finger to bump the trigger, resulting in what appears to be fully automatic fire. A company figured out a way to design a stock that slides freely and allows you to bump fire the gun while actually controlling and aiming it. Enter the slide fire stock. They make models for ARs and AKs that start around $200. It is a bit gimmicky and it takes some practice to get used to it, but it does work. It’s still more than I am willing to pay for such a device, but anything that make gun grabbers shit their pants can’t be a bad thing. 

    So slide fire stocks are a good first step, but let’s take things to the next level. The legal definition of a machine gun is any gun that fires more than 1 bullet per motion of the trigger. The ATF considers pulling the trigger and releasing the trigger as two separate motions. Some clever guy decided to make a trigger that fires when you pull the trigger and then fires again when you release the trigger. The result looks something like this:

    That is not a full auto AR. It is a binary trigger. It is completely legal and stamp free. I can hear you creaming your panties from here. They are pretty expensive though, coming in around $400 for just the trigger pack. It is considerably less expensive than even the cheapest full auto gun, however, and much more accessible. Franklin Armory was the first company to come out with a binary trigger (I think their unofficial slogan is ‘We love to fuck with the ATF’) but there are now a few of them on the market.

    Now it’s time to talk about a slightly more controversial topic: pistol arm braces. These caused quite the stir when they were released a few years ago. They are designed so that a person who is disabled or has weak arm strength can put a brace on an AR pistol, slide his or her arm into the brace, and hold and fire the pistol more easily. If you remember my last post, I showed you a picture of one. They look a lot like a stock. They also work a lot like a stock, too, if you shoulder them. When these first came out, the ATF issued an opinion letter that stated that these were not considered stocks and would not make your pistol into a SBR no matter how you used them, as long as they were not modified. Thousands of these braces were sold, most of them probably not to disabled veterans. People declared it the death of the SBR. Videos popped up showing smiling people happily shouldering and firing AR and AK pistols while wiping their asses with the ATF logo*. The world was at peace. Then people got a little reckless. Other companies came out with their own, more stock like designs. People started modifying the braces, increasing their lengths, making them collapsible and foldable. The tipping point was when a company called Black Aces Tactical actually put one on a short barreled shotgun and got it declared as a firearm. The ATF took the unusual step of specifically articulating that people were not allowed to shoulder these guns. Why were these guns singled out? Well, they weren’t. A few weeks after that declaration, the ATF sent out a new open letter stating that, in their opinion, touching a gun equipped with an arm brace to your shoulder was redesigning a pistol into a short barreled rifle, and that anyone doing that was making an unregistered SBR. Was the ruling arbitrary, capricious, completely devoid of legal backing, and nigh impossible to enforce? Of course it was, it’s the fucking ATF! Despite this, few people wanted to risk their freedom over such a thing, and the pistol brace craze was over… until recently. Last month, in a stunning bout of clarity and common sense, the ATF reversed their reversal, and once again you can shoulder your arm brace like a boss. Being the ATF, they may change their mind again at any point, so buyer beware.

    Silencer? What silencer?

    The last thing on this list requires a bit of explanation. Say you’re an environmentally conscious gun owner. I mean a really environmentally conscious one. You only use lead free, shade grown ammo, you only buy guns made from non old growth forests, and you ensure your targets are made from 100% recycled paper. Yet that still is not enough to soothe your aching guilt. Well, my friend, you need a solvent trap. Simply thread one of these cylindrical tubes full of tiny cups onto the end of your rifle and it automatically catches all 8 drops of the used, contaminated gun cleaner that washes out of your barrel during cleaning, ready for proper disposal at your nearest hazardous waste facility. What’s that? It looks like a silencer? Gee… I guess it does. Huh, that is one strange and completely uncanny coincidence. It can’t be a silencer, though.. I mean, you would have to own a drill press and at least 1 extra long drill bit to make it into a functional silencer, and everyone knows that kind of technology is far out of the reach of your average yokel. Okay, okay, fine, how bout this: For a more heavy duty option, you can buy one of these handy adapters that let you thread a common automotive filter right onto the end of your gun. That thing will hold enough solvent to last a lifetime, and there is simply no possible way that an oil filter could be used as an effective silencer. Nope, no way at all.

    All kidding aside, don’t fuck with these. You can probably bullshit your way through even the most flagrant violation of one of the other rules listed above. It’s not like cops are going to pull out a tape measure and check your barrel length if they see you at the range. But there is no way on God’s green earth you are fooling anyone into thinking that big fucking can on the end of your gun is anything other than a silencer. You can buy these online and at most large gun shows, but ffs just say no. Assuming the republicans pull their heads out of their own asses sometime in the next 18 months (asking a lot, I know) we might even get silencers off the NFA list. Until then, you’re just going to have to wear ear plugs and deal with it like we all have. Oh yeah, and for the record, I am not a lawyer so don’t take anything I just said as legal advice.

    *Not really.

  • Reviews You’ll Never Use: Class of 1999 II: The Substitute

    Hello my macabre menagerie of malcontents, and welcome once again to the only thing on the internet better than Asian spit-roast porn, Reviews You’ll Never Use. This week, we’ll review…the sequel to the movie we took a look at last week *sad trombone sound*.

    Actually it was a stroke of fortune; the reason I dusted off Class of 1999 last week was because I saw it on El Rey Network as I was channel surfing one evening, and it turns out they started playing the sequel, as well. So I taped it (yes, I’m old enough I still refer to all program capture off of a television as “taping”, even though it’s done on the dvr) and gave it a whirl. And let me say: worth it. I mean, not really, but in the sense of, it was every bit as dumb as I thought it would be, and so in that perverse sense, did not disappoint.

    Released in some territories as “Class of 2001”, which I think goes with the theme of “Class of 1984” and “Class of 1999” a little better. But like everything else having to do with this movie, they took the stupid way out.

    First, let me say some lovely words about El Rey Network. I’m not being paid to do this, but this and Chiller (the horror channel; I used to have two horror channels, but the superior Fearnet was bought out and ceased operations, to my never ending regret) are my go-to channels when turning on the television. Ostensibly started by Robert Rodriguez to try and cater to the young Hispanic market, instead it is simply a reflection of Robert Rodriguez’s (and my own) taste in film. Which is to say, grindhouse, kung-fu, big dumb action, and z-grade horror. Seriously, look at the site I linked and scroll down just a bit to where it says, “El Rey Is…” and see the categories. I watch that channel like 5-6 hours per week, and that’s a lot for me as outside of live sports, I’m not a big TV guy. What the fuck any of this has to do with young Hispanics I’ll never know, because I’m 90% certain from the many that I am acquainted with and friends with both professionally and personally (I live in Texas) that most of them aren’t into this shit. Robert Rodriguez is into this shit, and apparently nobody has the stones to tell him he isn’t representative of the young Hispanic zeitgeist in this country. I was zeroed in over the Memorial Day break because they ran a three day marathon of old The Incredible Hulk episodes. Over Christmas, they had Kaiju Christmas, and just ran Godzilla movies on loop for like three or four days. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH WEED THIS CAUSES ME TO BURN THROUGH? I DIDN’T GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CHAIR EXCEPT TO STUMBLE TO THE DOOR TO GET DELIVERY FOR LIKE 48 STRAIGHT HOURS. I LOVE THIS NETWORK!!! They do have some sort of Lucha show, which I suppose is Hispanic-y, but that’s about it.

    But I digress. Four years after the world-record smashing success of Class of 1999, some sharp marble decided it would be a good idea to do a sequel. Most of the top names in Hollywood were attached to direct at some point or another, but the studio was very choosy, and told Spielberg, Scorsese, Coppola, et al to take a fuckin’ hike. I heard Spielberg even offered to pay them to be allowed to direct this film, but was given Saving Private Ryan as a consolation prize when he couldn’t get this one. What’s that Cameron? You already did a successful killbot movie, and want in on this action? FUCK you, I’ll kill your family. There is no one smarter than studio execs, and they knew that there was only man who could bring this puppy to life. And that man was career stunt coordinator Spiro Razatos. You will undoubtedly remember him as the deft hand behind six episodes of Team Knight Rider from 1997-98 which, if taken collectively and combined with this movie, constitute 2/3rds of his lifetime directorial experience. And so was born Class of 1999 II: The Substitute.

    Eyeliner, lipstick, and purple hair spray? Once again, upper middle class white America, *this is not what a gang member looks like*

    So now that they had their director, they needed a star. And nobody on the whole wide Earth was a bigger star in 1994 than Sasha Mitchell. He played the dumb older kid on Step By Step. The handsome leading man needed a sexy lady to play against, so in steps Caitlin Dulany, from no fuckin’ thing. She makes up for lack of pedigree by showing her tittays in a romping sex scene with none other than…Nick Cassavetes! That’s right, the much less famous son of the great John Cassavetes steps in to give Caitlin the ol’ D, and otherwise kind of play an on-again off-again douchebag. I shouldn’t make fun of him too much, though – he directed his own mother Gena Rowlands in The Notebook, so that’s legitimately kind of a big deal. Good for him. More than I’ve done with my life. I bet he got to fuck  Rachel McAdams. I’d fuck Rachel McAdams. If I was a director, I’d be one of those sleazy old-timey ones you always hear about who makes the actresses “audition” their sucky-fucky skills. Hey, it’s a condition of employment, no physical coercion, and thus fully libertarian, so, you know…blow.

    Anyway, the film is very loosely tied to the events of the previous one by the exposition of Department of Educational Defense agent G. D. Ash, played by some dude named named Rick Hill. I almost didn’t even check the link to his name while doing my prelim work for this article, but I’m glad I did, because hole-ee fucking shit, lookee lookee what I found. That bitch is goin’ on the list hard. That shit makes The Beastmaster look like big-budget Oscar bait. I literally have a hard-on in anticipation of the lovely, melty pure Velveeta that is that movie. Soon *strokes penis back to sleep*, soon my pet (for this one time only, “strokes penis back to sleep” is not a masturbation metaphor…or is it?). A hilarious part of the exposition and occasional flash-backs is that they only show the killbot played by the unfortunately named Patrick Kilpatrick. I get not showing Pam Grier, because she’s a “name” and the money to use her image might have been too much for this no-budget schlock-fest. But why not show any of the old English professor killbot, played by John Ryan? The only fucking thing that guy’s ever done of note was be the lead in It’s Alive, which is admittedly a pretty good thing to have done. That’s a badass movie, and I may review it at some point in the future here. You can’t go wrong with Larry Cohen directing, I’ll just leave it at that. If you check that link, ignore the “Known For” bullshit and just look at the directorial work. If you’re into this kind of stuff, at least three or four of those will jump out at you as classics.

    I…I…I just can’t. It’s too easy. Feel free to caption this one yourselves in the comments.

    Moving on, turns out there was one killbot left in a bunker after the whole operation went south, and it broke out and has posed as a substitute teacher going up and down the west coast murdering delinquent students. He winds up in a small California town, where a teacher (Dulany) is set to testify against one of her own former students, whom she saw fatally shoot another student. There’s a lot of tension as gangs in the school are trying to intimidate the teacher into recanting her statements and not testifying. Even the school leadership wants her to back down, because they can’t handle the heat. Here’s where Nick Cassavetes shows up and in one scene seems like a complete tool telling her how to run her life, and a few scenes later will seem to be all supportive. I don’t know if it was a ham-fisted way to try and display depth to the character or what, but it’s poorly written. He’s also some kind of military enthusiast who keeps a military “museum” consisting of a trailer full of memorabilia on his paintball range, which includes an underground bunker full of surplus MREs, weapons, detonators…you know, the usual. We never find out if he’s a militia guy or anything, but I suppose it was nice to show him as being a pretty normal dude for the most part who just happens to have an extreme interest in survivalism and military paraphernalia, instead of being the wild-eyed gun nut prepper of so many other films. He goes Rambo on one of the gang members at one point, but is strongly provoked into doing so, so I don’t think that counts.

    Long story short (too late!), killbot Sasha does things like take inspiration from poems, look in on Caitlin as she’s undressing, and also look in her window while she’s fucking Nick Cassavetes. This is where we get to see her tits. Also, check out her bed – if this movie wasn’t made in 1994, I’d have sworn it was 1984, because her bed frame has functional neon lighting all over it. He alternatively saves Caitlin, and seems to be ready to kill her because she’s getting too close to him. Their whole relationship is very confusingly depicted.

    I love this bed! So 80s sextastic! I’d do coke and fuck in this bed like a fucking champ. I’d fuck in this bed like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet and listen to Flock of Seagulls while I PIIHB. Put the Disco Peacock from Suspiria on the nightstand, and it’s like my dream bedroom.

    The day of the big JROTC paintball game arrives, and the nefarious gang-members are angling to arrange an “accident” to kill the stool pigeon teacher. Natch, Sasha shows up and kills everybody, including setting trip wires that somehow throw spiked metal ninja balls at people which Cassavetes describes as an, “old Navy Seal trick”. Uh-huh.

    Eventually we find out that Sasha isn’t a killbot – he’s the demented son of Stacy Keach from the previous film, who is looking to take over his old man’s student-killing ways. He just acts like a robot because he’s apparently just fucking crazy. He wore a bullet-proof suit that looks like some Evel Knievel spandex because it’s future armor from the fantastic year of 1999. After taking several armor-piercing slugs point-blank and bleeding out, he still functions without any noticeable decline in ability, though eventually gets trapped in the bunker and blown sky high. It’s never explained how he found the damn bunker, or why he suddenly went off the reservation and started slaughtering innocent students along with the troublemakers. We end with Caitlin on the phone describing how she’s taking on a class of troublesome remedial students, because after all she’s been through, now she’s a badass I guess. A badass whose tits we got to see, as they were bouncing up and down while she was riding Nick Cassavetes like he was the horse son of a more famous horse, on her neon-bedecked bed.

    The most hardcore paintball session evah.

    Look, I ain’t gonna sugar coat it – this one’s bad. The performances from Caitlin and Nick are passable given what they had to work with, and kudos to them for giving it the old college try, but Sasha is trying to pull a Terminator stoic thing while still making corny one-liners (“Class is dismissed” after tossing a hand-grenade into a car full of kids). Even if atrocious writing wasn’t his fault, he comes across as wooden, but not in the way I believe the director had in mind. More like Anakin from The Phantom Menace, and less like a killbot. There are no fewer than two shots of two different explosions happening behind him while he dramatically faces the camera without flinching. I mean, one is bad enough, but two? And the whole, “He wasn’t a robot the entire time!” thing doesn’t work, because 1) the robots in the first movie already made dumb puns and displayed maniacal emotions, so taking an interest in poetry and peeping don’t seem like that far of a stretch even though it’s supposed to clue us in that he isn’t what he seems, and 2) he stands there without flinching while being shot many, many times. Even in bullet-resistant armor, the force of the impacts would still throw you backwards. I mean, he takes a full magazine from an Uzi at point-blank range and doesn’t even blink or push back an inch. I don’t give a shit how much you think you’re a robot, that’s fucking stupid. Oh, and don’t forget being treated to sharp exchanges such as this:

    Caitlin: Go to hell.

    Sasha: You first.

    Nick, standing behind Caitlin: You first.

    This is merely the first of two identical scenes you get treated to, that are in no way, shape, or form cliched.

    That’s right, a surprise rescue from the kinda-hero just parrots back the antagonist’s words before shooting him. I hope they paid the scriptwriter in party tacos, because that’s all this drivel is worth.

    Or Sasha’s mantra that without discipline, there can be no order, and without order, there is anarchy. This is used to justify his mass killing, by the way. If you aren’t willing to meet out the death penalty for truancy, you support unfettered chaos in the streets.

    So ultimately I can’t recommend this movie. Hell, it still hasn’t even had a Region 1 dvd release – that should tell you something. Fucking Killdozer has a Region 1 dvd release. I mean goddamn dude, this is just sorry all around.

    I have to give Class of 1999 II: The Substitute, a paltry 2 1/2 Corgi Butts out of 7. It would have been two flat, except for getting to see Caitlin’s tittay’s bouncing all over the place, which will automatically add extra credit to any film. This is the first time during the run of this column that I feel I’ve actually suffered for my art, and that means ultimately, for you, my legions of adoring readers. Never say Gojira doesn’t love ya.

     

  • The Nation Misses The Point on Counterterrorism

    It was brought up in the morning links (h/t: AmSoc), but deserves expanding upon.

    Grande and Mattis

    The Nation is more concerned with making President Trump and his administration look foolish than they are about taking terrorism or counterterrorism seriously. And I have no doubt that Ariana Grande means well, but she’s dead wrong.  Inclusiveness is no strategy to fight terrorism. It is a strategy to offer people an opportunity to assimilate to an enlightened western culture.  Some people will take that opportunity, as evidenced by the millions of Muslims that live peacefully among people of other religions as well as agnostics and atheists throughout the western world.  But some won’t. And you can be as inclusive as you want to be, but that won’t take away their desire to impose their beliefs upon everyone else, often resorting to terrorism when people aren’t receptive.

    Juan Cole writes:

    Secretary of Defense Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis said in an interview on Sunday that US strategy toward ISIL has moved from attrition to annihilation. Since 2014, he said, the United States has been making it difficult for them to stay in one place, disrupting them and chasing them out of their strongholds (through airstrikes). Now, he said, the new strategy is to surround them and kill them all, to prevent the foreign fighters from returning home to foment more terrorism. He also urged a battle of humiliation against them in cyberspace, depriving them of any mantle of legitimacy. He was unapologetic about the recent Pentagon finding that a US air raid set off explosives in a Mosul apartment building, killing over 100 civilians, and seemed to pledge more reckless airstrikes.

    Certainly there is a case to be made for non-interventionism.  But that’s not the case Ariana Grande is calling for. (If she were, I’d be happy to cheer her on.) She calls for inclusion.  Now tell me, what possible good can come from being “inclusive” toward a regime built on terror? Can we “include” into western culture their belief that women caught without an escort should be stoned to death? Can we “include” into western culture their belief that gay men and women should be tossed to their death from the highest point in town? Can we “include” into western culture the taking of sex slaves when they conquer a city?  And lastly, can we “include” into western culture the celebration of slaughtering innocent people in our cities because we resist the importation of their insane lifestyle? That’s not inclusion. That’s tolerance and acceptance of barbarism.  We, as a society, are better than that.  And while I believe we should remain non-interventionist when it comes to global meddling, once they import that activity to out nations, we should destroy those who would perpetrate those violences with every tool that is constitutionally available to us.

    The strategy of annihilation is sort of like fighting forest fires with gasoline hoses.

    Actually, its not.  An enemy can be annihilated. It can be rooted out and extracted like a cancer. Sure it may pop back up again at a future date, but that doesn’t mean its not worth fighting to eradicate. And its a damn sight better to have tried and failed that to succumb to evil in any form. And I have to say, the strain of any religion that accepts massacring innocent people at a concert for the spread of it, or the killing of any gay person for the spread of it, or the taking of sex slaves and stoning of women not adequately subservient for the spread of it, deserves to be wiped from the face of the earth with all haste possible.

    I will give him partial credit, though. He wrote this:

    George W. Bush’s war on Iraq, in other words, created the exact conditions in that country that were guaranteed to foster terrorism. Washington has never come to terms with its own responsibility for destabilizing the region.

    However, he completely omits the expanded war on terror Obama waged, expanding it to nations Bush never bombed. He fomented rebellion in Libya and Syria, directly leading to the soldiers, and in all likelihood the arms, necessary for ISIS to gain a foothold. He also forgets the overwhelming bipartisan support Bush and Obama both received to wage their wars in parts of the world that posed no threat to us.  I’m sure it was an oversight and not a deliberate attempt to score cheap political points. But it deserves to be mentioned.

    This is real.

    Look, there is no surefire way to prevent terrorism. But once it reaches our shores, the individuals carrying it out deserve to be treated harshly, so long as it is within constitutional limits. And people that are guests here who return to the battlefields of the middle east should be forbidden re-entry. We are under no obligation to “include” their idiocy any longer. Neither does Britain, Germany, Sweden or any other nation that chooses to eject those whose sole purpose is conquest through barbarism.

    If this runs counter to open borders libertarianism, I’ll happily accept the scorn of those friends of mine on this one issue. But open borders can exist at the same time a strong counter-terrorism operation can be waged within the confines of our Constitution. And its time we allowed the warriors to stand up and properly defend us from those who are using “inclusive” appeasement as a means to infect our society with their oppressive, pre-enlightenment form of barbarism.

    **The views in this are mine alone and do not represent the views of other Glibs staff.

  • Firearms Friday: Long Post on Long Guns

    Expecting your favorite barbarian sodomite? Not today, ladies! I kicked his happy ass to the curb* and we’re going to be talking about the most American of pastimes: Shooting shit! You need a dose of some good old fashioned testosterone up in this joint, and Vhyrus is filling your prescription weekly. This post was originally going to be part 2 of my get home bag series, but it’s now become the premiere post of Firearm Fridays. So sit down and start reading, and don’t mind that itching under your blouse… that’s just all the hair this gun talk is putting on your chest. This week I have a long, boring post in which I show off my guns and talk about how much of gun nerd I am. I promise future posts will be a bit lighter.

    You’ll recall in part 1 we discussed a basic functional layout for a get home bag, of which the primary element is a long gun. For the sake of clarity (if not brevity), I did not go into great detail about the possible choices for a defensive rifle. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of different long guns available for purchase on the market. Some of these naturally lend themselves to a combat or defensive role more readily than others, while some are less obvious but have a few benefits that may outweigh their shortcomings in certain situations. We’re now going down the rabbit hole into hardcore ammosexuality to take a look at the various types of guns, their advantages and disadvantages, and what would make a good weapon for your particular case. SVD (that’s Standard Vhyrus Disclaimer, which is cool cause it’s also the name of a sniper rifle) that this is entirely based on my opinion and that I am a moron so you should stop reading and ignore everything I have to say.

    I am going to organize these guns by tiers. Tier 1 guns are the absolute most effective in terms of overall capability. They are usually based around a proven military design and many are well known throughout the world. Barring any legal or financial obstacles, this should be the gun you want. Tier 2 guns lack either the firepower or the dexterity of tier 1 weapons, but make up for it in other ways. Tier 2 guns are still extremely effective, just not as much as tier 1. Tier 3 guns are guns that are picked because they are legal or more practical in places tier 1 and 2 guns are not. In this tier are the non self loading firearms. These guns usually have reduced capacity and rate of fire, but are still decent weapons in their own right, and some make up their shortcomings with excellent knockdown power and/or accuracy. Tier 3 guns are definitely compromises, but with training they can be wielded with great success. Tier 4 guns are not recommended except for very limited conditions. These weapons are hunting type rifles or WW1 or 2 era surplus rifles. They are simply too slow, too large, and too heavy to be effective. Mind you, these guns will still put a bullet on target, and they are generally the most accurate of the 4 tiers, but their disadvantages are numerous. Avoid if possible. One final note: I will avoid naming brands as anything other than examples, unless a specific model of gun does something special or noteworthy, in which case I will call it out for consideration.

    We will start with the best possible choices, the tier 1 guns. The two most obvious, and by far the most common, are the AR 15 and the AK 47. The AR 15 is the civilian version of the M4 and M16 in use by the US and other various militaries since the 1960s. It is commonly chambered in 5.56×45, also called .223 remington. While 5.56 and .223 are not technically interchangeable, any AR made in the last 15 years will be able to shoot both so you can ignore the distinction. The primary advantages of the AR include light weight, low price, enhanced accuracy, commonly available parts and ammo, excellent ergonomics and extremely modular design. Disadvantages include a difficult cleaning, many small parts during field stripping, and a non folding stock. The AK refers to a number of semi automatic clones of the Russian AK 47 in service throughout the world. It can be found in the armories of just about every banana republic and tin pot dictator from Castro to Kim Jong. AKs are commonly chambered in 7.62×39, henceforth referred to as 7.62S. Advantages of the AK are a robust, simple design, ease of maintenance, available folding stock, and an abundance of inexpensive ammo. Disadvantages include reduced accuracy, higher weight, awkward controls, and a lack of customization. A decent AK is now also slightly more expensive than a base model AR currently.

    The main difference between these guns primarily lies in their common calibers. The 5.56 is a very small, fast round. It uses kinetic energy over weight to inflict most of its damage. This gives the AR a very flat trajectory and long range. It also gives the AR one other distinct advantage: it can penetrate all but the highest level body armor using 55 grain M193 rounds, which are commonly available under the Federal ammunition brand. It is the only common semi automatic caliber I am aware of capable of doing this. While this advantage would be highly situational in use, it is still worth considering. The 7.62S round used by the AK is much larger and slower. It has more drop at longer ranges and slightly more recoil. As a result it is not considered useful past 300 yards. It does, however, possess superior wounding capabilities at close range compared to the 5.56. With this in mind, I offer this recommendation: If armor penetration, extreme accuracy, or long range effectiveness are of critical importance to you, the 5.56 is the better caliber. If close range performance is your most important factor, 7.62S is what you want. If you want 7.62S performance in an AR, there are conversions which allow you to shoot it from an AR platform using special magazines, or you can look into 300 blackout, which is specifically designed to feed in an AR platform. This is a bit outside the realm of this article so I will let you do your own research into those options if you are so inclined.

    A whole article (hell a whole book) could be written about the various different calibers and options available for the AR platform, so I will add one final note about twist rate and move on. The most common barrel twist rates available for the 5.56 are 1:9, 1:8, and 1:7. This refers to the number of rotations a bullet in the barrel makes while travelling down the barrel. 1:9 means one rotation every 9 inches, 1:8 means one rotation in 8 inches, etc. The tighter the barrel, the heavier a projectile it will adequately stabilize, but a twist rate too high will over spin a lighter bullet and cause poor accuracy. Most military barrels are 1:7, and most higher end ARs are as well, but I actually recommend a 1:8 twist. A 1:7 will allow you to stabilize 70 and even 80 grain projectiles, but most people never shoot anything heavier than 62 grains. A 1:8 will allow you to stabilize everything between 40 and 80 grains, with the sweet spot right around 60 grains. This will allow you to shoot essentially every commercially available load for the AR with at least reasonable accuracy. This matter is still hotly debated, and I encourage you to research more, but I have noticed that many of the newest ARs are coming with 1:8 barrels from the factory so I believe this idea is catching on. A few years ago you would have been hard pressed to find any 1:8 barrels and now they are sold on almost every gun website.

    While the AR and AK will give you the best bang for the buck in terms of an affordable lead slinger, there is another class of rifles I feel deserve mentioning, because these offer something a bit extra for those inclined. I am referring to bullpup rifles. A bullpup rifle is a rifle that moves the action behind the trigger, where the stock would be. On most rifles the stock is just a useless piece of wood or plastic to rest your shoulder on, but bullpups actually use that space to house the working components. The result is a gun with a full length barrel that is 20% shorter than a traditional rifle. This makes the bullpups the shortest rifles legally available without an NFA tax stamp. They are usually as short or shorter than an AK with the stock folded, yet they are always ready to go. They excel if you have to get in and out of vehicles or work in cramped hallways and doorways due to their small size. There are some drawbacks, however. Bullpups can be a little ergonomically awkward, requiring some extra training to master. They are generally not ambidextrous, although there are exceptions. They are also not cheap. While a base model AR can be had for as little as $400, the cheapest bullpups start at $1000 and go up past $2000. I am personally a huge proponent of bullpup rifles, and if you have the money I definitely recommend at least swinging by a gun store and checking a few out.

    If I keep this up they're going to rename humblebrag to 'Vhyrus'.
    A small selection of the author’s firearms. From Top: IWI Tavor X95, Zastava M70 (AK clone) with stock folded, AR-15, and AR pistol with 10” barrel. You can see the pistol is actually longer than the bullpup at the top or the AK with the stock folded, with worse performance.

    Now let’s discuss tier 2 weapons. These are guns that offer some sort of compromise or trade vs the tier 1 guns. This is a rather large category so I will have to break it into sections. The first set of guns in this tier are what I call the featureless or ranch rifles. These are guns that have the same basic function as an AR or AK but look more like a traditional hunting rifle. The two most common are the Ruger mini 14 and the Kel Tec SU 16 that I mentioned in the first article. Both of these guns shoot the 5.56 cartridge (Ruger also makes a version called the mini 30 that shoots 7.62S). The Ruger takes proprietary magazines while the SU-16 takes AR magazines. The Kel Tec has the added bonus of folding in half. These guns are less intimidating and/or conspicuous than the assault rifles** in tier 1, but they shoot just as fast and hit just as hard. They lack some of the features of the assault rifles, such a pistol grips or muzzle brakes, which means they can skirt some of the more onerous assault weapons bans in the less free states. If you want the most firepower but you live in a ban state, a gun like this is your best option. If you are on a budget you can also look for a SKS. These guns are a cousin of the AK and shoot the same round, but they feed from 10 round internal magazines and can be reloaded with stripper clips. You can usually get them from around $400 – $500. The trade off is that these guns will not have the level of aftermarket accessories and magazines available to them. You may have to pay more to get what you want, if they even offer it at all, and the controls are generally less user friendly on these guns. Some of these guns can also be fairly pricey for what you get, especially the Rugers. Also, if you are picking these to get around assault weapons bans then you are probably limited to 10 round magazines which makes these guns a bit of a weak choice. With so few rounds a larger caliber may be more desirable.

    The next set of guns up for discussion are short barreled rifles or SBRs. These are rifles (usually ARs or AKs although there are others available) which have a barrel shorter than 16 inches. These rifles can be extremely light and compact, taking up no more space than a laptop, yet still able to give a high rate of firepower in a controllable package. In theory, these are the best of both worlds: the size of a large pistol, the firepower of a rifle. So why are they not tier 1 guns? Well, for one thing they’re almost illegal. In fact they are illegal in some places. Even where they are not banned by state law, they are heavily regulated by federal law. In order to make or buy one, you must go through a lengthy registration process and pay a $200 tax per gun for the privilege to have one. You have to keep this paperwork with the gun wherever it goes. You cannot allow anyone not authorized to possess it to use it or even have access to it outside of your direct supervision, and you must file paperwork with the ATF if you plan on taking it across state lines. That’s every time you cross state lines, not just once. Oh, and it usually takes 6 to 12 months for the feds to approve your application. In short, it is the definition of a pain in the ass. This alone should make you think twice about going this route.

    The gun on the top is an AR pistol, completely legal and unrestricted in most of the US. The gun on the bottom is a SBR, an extremely dangerous and highly regulated assault weapon which will net you 10-25 in federal prison without the proper permits. See the difference? Yeah, me neither.

    If you look at an AR SBR (the easiest one to make) you are not even saving any space. Because an AR stock does not fold, even an AR SBR with a 10 inch barrel is going to be roughly the same length as a bullpup, but a bullpup doesn’t come with a suitcase of red tape and you are not compromising your barrel length. Furthermore, because the gun has a short barrel, you are significantly hindering your firepower. In general, the shorter the barrel, the less velocity you produce. Reduced velocity equals reduced power, which means your rifle isn’t hitting like a rifle. In fact it is this reason that I do not recommend using any short barreled AR weapon chambered in 5.56. 5.56 is a very velocity dependent cartridge and using short barrels cuts too much velocity off the round for it to work effectively. There are commercially available rounds that are effective out of a 10 inch barrel but that is beyond the purview of this article so I leave it to you to do your research if you want to go that route. The only SBR I can comfortably recommend is an AK SBR with a folding stock. It is small enough to actually gain significant movement and concealment but still large enough to hit with authority. You are still going to pay out of the ass for it and have a suitcase of paperwork to haul around, and God forbid if the thing gets stolen out of your car.

    Not mine, sadly.
    Modified SKS on the top, AK in the middle, AK pistol bottom right. You can see how much smaller the pistol is compared to the rifles.

    So, if SBRs are out, what can you do? Well, there is another option. It is called the AK pistol. You see, we have kind of screwed up gun laws in America. If you take an AK and chop the barrel down, that’s a short barreled rifle, but if you chop the barrel down AND take the stock off, that’s a handgun. Makes total sense, doesn’t it? With an AK pistol, you can run a single point sling off the back of the gun and use the sling as a stabilization point, kind of like a reverse stock. This gives you a nice small gun with lots of maneuverability and plenty of power. The downside is that an AK pistol is simply not as stable as a rifle. The stock adds a lot to the accuracy of a gun, and your follow up shots are definitely going to be slower and less consistent. AR pistols also exist but because the problems with AR SBRs extend to AR pistols I would not recommend them either. If you want maximum concealment and maximum firepower, this is the only way to roll.

    Or is it? You see, there is a third way. A company called SB Tactical makes something called an arm brace. Here is a picture of it on my AR pistol:

    Totally not a rifle. Trust me.

    Now, you are probably thinking “Gee Vhyrus, that looks an awful lot like a stock.” Why, yes it does! Despite this, the ATF has ruled that this thing is not a stock and can be placed on any pistol without making it a SBR. I am not going to sugar coat it: this thing is the definition of ‘grey area’. Up until very recently, the ATF publicly stated that if you had one of these on a gun you could not legally touch it to your shoulder or you would be making a short barreled rifle. They backed off of this very shaky and nigh indefensible stance in the last few weeks, but being the arbitrary and capricious motherfuckers that they are, they could change their mind at any moment. Still, as of this writing, there is nothing explicitly forbidding you from equipping a brace to your pistol and using it like a short little stock. I have used one of these, and while it is short it is definitely usable, especially if you’re wearing a plate carrier. The only way to really get the most out of it is to put one on a folding stock tube so you can get the smallest possible package, otherwise you might as well just get a bullpup. This adds about $200 – $300 to the price of the gun but you are getting an almost SBR with none of the SBR legal entanglements. The brace comes with it’s own legal baggage though, so you have to weigh the pros and cons. FWIW, if you’re dead set on a SBR I would go with a AK pistol equipped with a brace on a folding tube. You can get a Yugo M92 with the brace and 3 mags for about $650 right now and then you would need to do a little work to add in the folding mechanism.

    Also not mine. I should really get one.
    AK pistol (specifically a Zastava M92) with a folding arm brace.

    On the other end of the spectrum are the .308 rifles. These are semi automatic military rifles of usually cold war origin chambered in .308 winchester or 7.62×51 (also called 7.62 NATO). The 308 is a considerably more capable round than 5.56 or 7.62S. It flies farther and hits harder. There are many effective guns chambered in this caliber that make excellent defensive rifles. The AR-10, M14, SCAR, FAL, CETME, HK91, and their derivatives are all available and reliable systems. I would never feel outgunned with one of these in my hands. The drawbacks are primarily related to size and weight. A 308 is simply overkill for most situations. Most people do not need an 800 yard effective range in a defensive rifle, and the additional power is wasted. Recoil is increased significantly over 5.56 or 7.62S. Furthermore, a 308 is going to be larger and heavier than an intermediate caliber rifle, and the ammo is larger and heavier as well which means you won’t carry as much. These guns also have reduced capacity compared to the tier 1 rifles, with magazine capacity typically around 20 rounds. 308 is also twice as expensive as 5.56, and the guns are usually more expensive as well. If you live in a ban state and are limited to 10 round magazines then it would actually make sense to go with 308 since you need all the power you can get to make up for the lack of capacity, but otherwise it’s a lot of unnecessary weight.

    These are also mine. Don't hate me cause I have more firepower than Lithuania.
    A VEPR 12 semi auto shotgun on top, a Hawk 982 pump action 12 gauge in the middle, and an AR 15 at the bottom for comparison. You can see how much larger the shotguns are compared to the AR. There are folding stocks available but you’re still looking at a large package.

    The final type of guns in this tier are semi auto 12 gauge shotguns. A shotgun is a very versatile and capable platform, able to shoot many different kinds of ammo to fill various roles and can adapt to many different scenarios quickly. In terms of close range lethality, there is absolutely nothing more powerful than a semi automatic shotgun loaded with buckshot. Each trigger pull sends nine 9mm sized shots at your target, and you could easily empty 10 rounds out of a modern shotgun in less than 3 seconds, making a semi auto shotgun as powerful as a full auto mp5. Using slugs, a shotgun can make hits at 100 and even 200 yards with practice. Ammo is plentiful and readily available, and can be changed at will to suit your particular needs. Sounds like an excellent platform, so what are the drawbacks? There is a reason the shotgun is a niche weapons in all modern militaries. Shotguns are large and heavy, for one. Secondly, ammo capacity is severely limited. The average tube fed shotgun has a maximum capacity of about 9 rounds, and even magazine fed shotguns usually top out at 10 unless you use heavy and expensive drums. Recoil is punishing, especially with slugs. Reliability can be hit and miss with certain loads or models. Reloading is slow, especially with tube fed guns. Ammo is large and heavy, which means you will be able to carry less. Accuracy is considerably diminished over rifles, and range is greatly reduced. Groups at 100 yards will be around 6 inches with slugs, and will most likely require some holdover to get on target. Buckshot is essentially useless beyond 50 yards.

    Now we get into tier 3 guns, which includes pump and lever guns, and pistol caliber carbines. Pistol caliber carbines (henceforth abbreviated at PCCs) are rifles that shoot handgun rounds. 9mm is the most common, but you can get PCCs in just about every popular autoloading caliber, including 40, 45, and 10mm. PCCs can use either proprietary magazines or feed from commonly available handgun mags. GLOCK mags are the most common. Obviously one immediate advantage is that your rifle and pistol can use the same round and the same magazines interchangeably, which greatly simplifies your loadout. Also PCCs tend to be light with almost zero recoil. The disadvantages of a PCC lie in their ammo. To be blunt, pistol rounds suck. They are low power, have poor penetration, poor ballistics, and poor range. 200 yards is a stretch for a PCC and would require significant hold over. Not only that, but because of our barrel length laws, a PCC is going to be roughly the same size as a full size AR or AK. You aren’t gaining any advantage size wise but you are taking a real firepower hit. These guns are usually subject to the same assault weapons bans that the rifles have, so you aren’t winning on that front either. The only major advantage is magazine commonality, and that is a lot to pay for a relatively minor advantage. Unless you are extremely recoil sensitive I would not go for a PCC as my first choice.

    There are two notable exceptions to this that I must mention. Two specific PCCs get a pass into tier 2 due to their design. The first one is the Kel Tec Sub 2000. The Sub 2k is a PCC chambered in 9 or 40 that takes mags from one of several major handgun brands. What makes the S2K unique is that it can fold completely in half without tools and deploy in seconds. This gives you a gun no wider than a standard laptop that can deliver rounds on target and then fold back up into a small backpack. You are still dealing with a PCC so range and firepower are limited, but it’s extremely low weight and folding ability are enough to put it above the rest. If you have to pick a true PCC, pick that one. The second gun that moves up a slot is the FN PS90. The PS90 is the duck billed platypus of the gun world. It is neither a rifle nor PCC but it shares characteristics of both. The centerpiece of the PS90 is the 5.7×28 round. It is designed like a shrunk down 5.56 cartridge, so while technically a handgun round it has similar ballistics to a rifle. It is effective out to around 200 yards with minimal drop. The gun itself is a bullpup design which keeps the size to the minimum allowed by law. What makes it really stand out is that the proprietary magazines can hold 50 rounds, almost double the standard capacity of an AR or AK. The rounds themselves are very small and light which means you can carry more. A standard loadout consists of only 2 or 3 full magazines vs the 4 or 5 needed for an AR. Ammo and mags are somewhat pricey and you aren’t going to find them at your local walmart, but it is definitely one to look into if you have the money.

    The other half of the tier 3 guns are lever/pump action firearms. These are manually operated firearms usually fed from a tube under the barrel, although some do use detachable magazines. If you’ve ever seen an old west movie, you have probably seen a lever action. These are chambered in older rimmed calibers like 357, 30-30, 44, 45-70, or 45 LC. They are simple steel guns with wood stocks and basic sights. Some have been modernized and can mount a scope or a red dot. They are very light, simple, and reliable firearms. Their greatest asset is that they are not semi auto so they can get around even the most restrictive firearms laws in the US. Since they are not scary black assault rifles there is a very good chance that most people that would normally get agitated from the sight of a rifle would ignore or discount a simple cowboy gun like a lever action. Make no mistake, though. These are serious guns. They fire fast and hit hard. They have the added bonus of being chambered in revolver calibers, so if you carry a revolver you only need to carry 1 type of ammo for both. A 357 or 44 magnum out of a 16 inch barrel is no joke, and will do a real number on whatever you hit. Range is limited by ballistics but 100 – 200 yard shots should not be too much trouble for most calibers. The downsides are the obviously low rate of fire and low capacity, as well as outdated cartridges. No lever action is going to keep up with a semi auto, and rounds must be hand loaded individually. If you do get a lever action, I strongly recommend getting one with a side loading gate which will greatly decrease your reloading times. Rossi makes a very affordable version in many calibers. If this is the best you are able to get, train hard with it and learn what it can and cannot do. As for shotguns, pump action is much more common than lever action, though both do exist. Manual shotguns have the same drawbacks as semi auto shotguns but a slower fire rate. Their reliability is much better, however. The main advantage to pump shotguns are their low price and accessibility. Many people already have a pump shotgun they can simply put a shorter barrel on, and those that don’t can pick up a simple 12 gauge for as little as $200 brand new. Many police still carry 12 gauge pumps as their long gun, so they definitely have their uses as defensive weapons. If you want simple, reliable, and cheap, you can’t do much better than a 12 gauge.

    There is one shotgun I feel I should call out as a cut above the rest feature wise. I don’t feel that it’s good enough to be considered a tier 2 weapon, but if you really want a pump shotgun and money is not an issue, I would recommend looking into the Kel Tec KSG. The KSG is a pump action 12 gauge but it is nothing like any other gun on the market. For one, it is a bullpup, which makes it a very compact and handy weapon. You could easily stash one in a large backpack. Secondly, the KSG had dual feed tubes. Fully loaded it holds 15 rounds. That is double the average shotgun and more than even most magazine fed shotguns. Because it feeds from each tube independently, you could do some really clever things like fill one with slugs and one with buckshot, which would allow you to switch back and forth whenever you like. They are considerably more expensive than a standard pump 12 gauge, coming in around 700, but the added features are worth the extra price.

    Finally, we’ve reached the bottom of the barrel, tier 4. These guns are simply not recommended for defensive use. They are fine weapons, but they are simply too outdated or outclassed by more modern guns. I am talking about bolt action and single shot rifles and shotguns. These can be hunting weapons or surplus arms from the world wars. They can also be super expensive precision rifles for shooting the wings off a fly at 1000 yards. They come in literally every known caliber and price range, from $100 all the way up to many thousands of dollars. Most are fed from internal magazines, although some do have detachable box mags. They are simple, reliable, and ballistically they can have impressive numbers, but the downsides are just too great. They are slow to load, slow to reload, have very limited capacity, and are not ambidextrous. If you live in a very rural area where shot placement and extreme accuracy are your only considerations, then a bolt gun may be the ticket, but in a defensive situation it would be extremely rare to justify shooting at someone from hundreds of yards away from ambush, which would be the only place a bolt gun would really work. It simply doesn’t make sense.

    That about covers it. This was considerably drier than my last post so hopefully it was at least somewhat educational. This is a huge topic but I tried to give the best possible overview of the situation without going too deep into any particular detail. If you have specific questions or want to call me a moron, comment below.  

    *Not really. I begged them to let me do this and they felt sorry for me. 

    **I know they’re not really assault rifles. Just let me trigger some progs for a bit.

  • What are we reading? May 2017

    It’s the last Friday of the Month, which means it’s time once again for Oprah’s The Glibs’ Book Club:

    SugarFree

    I’ve been reading the Rivers of London series by Ben Aaronovitch off of jesse’s recommendation. I’m through the fifth book and I am really enjoying it. It’s a deft mash-up of The Dresden Files and British police procedurals. I’m not sure how many books he is shooting for, but the formula is set-up for dozens and dozens if he felt like it. And the series is popular enough to have tie-in comics series. The most baffling part of reading them is that it hasn’t been made into a TV series yet. Aaronovitch started as a TV writer and he has the rhythms of serial television down pat.

    Speaking of The Dresden Files, I also read Jim Butcher’s Codex Alera series this month. I liked them quite a bit. They magnify both Butcher’s strengths and weaknesses as a writer. His battle and fight scene are superb; his character’s relationships with women range from baffled to mildly horrified. People are either really, really good or really, really bad; Butcher doesn’t care much for subtle. They are big books, widescreen epics that manage to pull-off the central conceit entertainingly, despite leaning on many of the most groan-worthy of fantasy conventions.

    jesse.in.mb

    Put a hustle on to finish the books from last month as this month’s What are we reading? approached, and have mostly succeeded (Luz Gabas writes better sex than Dan Simmons’ turgid descriptions of erections could hope to match). I’m lollygagging on picking the next read as Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84 has been staring at me (literally one eye is poking out from my shelf) for years, and I want to reread Gaiman’s American Gods before I watch the series or Call Me By Your Name by André Aciman before the movie comes out. Ultimately I’ll probably settle on Beach Lawyer by Avery Duff, part of the Kindle First early release program for novels (underrated Prime perk). As far as I can tell many of the novels they select are blander versions of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo with heavy themes of violence against women. Zygmunt Miloszewski’s Rage was the most emblematic of this trend.

     

    JW

    He dead.

    Old Man With Candy

    I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that my reading this month, beyond technical stuff, has comprised re-reading. I have to get out more. Nonetheless, I’m rereading these because I think they’re damn good.

    Tom O’Bedlam is very underrated scifi written by Robert Silverberg, a very underrated writer. Ever since reading Stephen Vincent Benet’s “By the Waters of Babylon” when I was a kid, I’ve had a deep love for post-apocalyptic stories. And I also have a weakness for the sort of novel that develops several different storylines, then skillfully brings them together at the end. Combine that with hallucinogenic ecstasy and a deliciously ambiguous conclusion, this is my favorite Silverberg and a novel that seems almost tailor-made for my tastes in fiction. Chungira-he-will-come, he will come.

    My geeky side drew me to Uncertainty, a retelling of the early history of quantum mechanics. The book’s focus is much more on the personalities and dynamics of the theory’s origins than any explanation of the wonderful weirdness of the new physics, which was just fine for me- get your physics from Feynman. The author, David Lindley, transforms the names I only knew from various equations and theories into three dimensional human beings. As a bonus, he shares my scorn for the pomos and sociological types who, without any actual understanding of the uncertainty principle, love to invoke it to support their confused world-views.

    Riven:

    Still reading Dead Witch Walking… But I swear I’m actually going to start it this weekend. Pinky-promise.

    Brett L:

    I blew through the latest installment of Nathan Lowell’s Golden Age of the Solar Clipper series To Fire Called. Although the books have gotten a little darker, and certainly the universe a little deeper since Quarter Share, it remains the same fun kind of low-calorie high fun series you can inhale in short sittings, feel good about universes where they (mostly) live happily ever after, and capitalism works thanks to having to get a long way from habitable space before you can magically be somewhere else. I’m also slogging through Gaiman’s Norse Mythology.  As someone who liked a couple of his books but doesn’t think he’s THE towering literary figure of the 21st century that this is a labor of love where he has (thus far) failed to sway me to his love of the mythology. I remain entirely bored by the canon mythology. Stay tuned for June when I binge read Neal Stephenson’s attempt to jump into the (thus far British) “magic is real and there’s a government agency for that” genre. And I think in July I’ll be (based on the story arc as I understand it) hate reading Charlie Stross’s latest Laundry File like it was written by an ex-girlfriend I’m still not over.

    SP

    I tend to read several books at once, one of which is usually a mystery or spy thriller. While I’m waiting for the new Scot Harvath from Brad Thor (out on June 27), and the new Chief Inspector Gamache from Louise Penny (out on August 29), I’m reading through the V.I. Warshawski novels by Sara Paretsky. I’m currently on book 11, Blacklist. Set in Chicago and the western suburbs right after 9/11, the usually very lefty Vic is thrown into several puzzles involving events around the HUAC and complications from the Patriot Act. There is much to please a libertarian heart in this one, from diatribes against the gutting of the Bill of Rights to our heroine actively subverting the police. DO NOT read any of the reviews. They all seem to contain spoilers. (What’s up with that?!)

    Also in process: Daybook by Anne Truitt, a look into an artist’s  journals (recommended to me by an older artist I admire whom I was recently privileged to meet); and 3 Steps to Yes: The Gentle Art of Getting Your Way by Gene Bedell. It seems to be working. It’s been much easier to live with OMWC since I started this book.

    Banjos

    Banjos is currently reading Everybody Poops for the 127th time per her toddlers’ request. It is their most holy text.

    sloopyinca

    Sloop is reading The Neverending Story and will have an update when he’s done.

  • Reviews You’ll Never Use: Class of 1999

    Welcome once again fellow aficionados of the absurd to another round of your favorite thing on the Information Superhighway, REVIEWS YOU’LL NEVER USE! This week, we’ll do something a bit unusual, and review a sequel to a film instead of the original. Why? Because this movie came in one of those four-movie $10 DVD multipacks when I bought it several years ago, and I had no idea it was a freaking sequel until I was doing my preliminary research for this column, so fuck me I guess.

    To be fair, it’s only a sequel in the loosest sense of the word. The film is Class of 1999, by veteran action director Mark L. Lester. Middle name starts with an L, huh, and last name is Lester. I never liked that. I don’t like alliteration in names, or even using the same beginning letter. I don’t know why, it just rubs me the wrong way. I dislike it just like I dislike it when people have two first names, like Clippers roundball player Chris Paul. Chris Paul? FUCK…YOU, get a last name! Be Chris Paulson, or something like that. Anything, just don’t have two first names! I hate it SO MUCH! I hate you for not changing your name, I hate your parents for having that name, just fucking die!

    Stacy Keach, menacingly eating a banana. The crudely stereotyped gay jokes write themselves.

    Anyway enough about my hang-ups. Mark Lester directed such endearing childhood memories as Firestarter and Commando. Lately, however, his IMDB reads like the resume of a director only someone like me could love. Dragons of Camelot? Poseidon Rex? Dragon Wasps (the cover art is of a giant wasp breathing fire)? Sand Sharks? Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon? Game of Swords? Holy shit man, I’ve hit the junk cinema jackpot. Oddly, he’s credited as a producer for all of these things on his IMDB page, but if you actually go to the links for the movies themselves, he’s the director. I wonder what that’s all about. Whatever’s wrong, I’m sure it’s the fault of a progressive.

    Our three killbots. For some reason one of the military robots was designed to look like an old professor, complete with smoking a pipe. FFS.

    Moving on, apparently in 1982 he directed a film called Class of 1984. I’ll not link it, in case I run across it and review it someday. By not linking directly from here, I have thereby prevented any of you from being able to access any information about this film on the World Wide Web on your own initiative. But the gist of it seems to be another one of those, “The kids aren’t alright” movies about an inner-city high school overrun by gangs, new teacher comes in and has to get shit done, yada yada yada.

    In 1990, still not satisfied that society wasn’t spiraling downward into an inevitable collapse, he trotted the idea back out and directed Class of 1999. Only now instead of an inner-city decay theme, he decided to make it an action movie about street gangs vs. killbots. It was the right, nay, only move. No shit, this movie stars Pam Grier, Stacy Keach, and Malcolm McDowell as The Principal! Well, they all have supporting roles, but significant screen time, even if the titular stars are the teenage gang-bangers (not people in gangs, but rather, people who regularly engage in gang-bangs).

    The film was produced by Vestron Pictures & released by Vestron Video, and had only a very limited theatrical release, but really, check out those links. I thought it sounded familiar, and I immediately saw why. Scroll down a bit and take a look at the gems this company produced back in the day. Great low-budget awesome crap like Street Trash (which I wouldn’t have seen without the recommendation of one of the original H&R schismatics, who unfortunately left prior to the website launch) and Chopping Mall, all the way up to Princess Bride and Dirty Dancing! I had completely forgotten about these guys, but reading through this company’s history brings back a lot of fond memories. Do check out both, as the films for the two branches of the company don’t entirely overlap.

    So our film opens with some lazy exposition detailing how by 1999, gangs had taken over the city cores of most major American urban centers and turned them into “free-fire zones” where cops were scared to enter (HA, if only! -ed). In response to the crisis not of apparently ceding sovereignty to gangs but of the fact that the damned gangs aren’t going to school, the gubbmint creates the Department of Education Defense. They’re like hyper-militarized truancy…divisions. One would think that it would be a better use of resources to regain control of the cities first and then run the schools like normal, rather than simply run military ops in no-man’s land for the sole purpose of getting kids to and from schools over which no adults exercise any control, but what would I know, I’m not the visionary director of Dragon Wasps.

    This is what upper-class white people thought gangs looked like. Shit, maybe in Seattle, it *is* what gangs look like.

    The former gang-leader of the Blackhearts gang, “Cody” (because badass gang leaders are always named that), is let out of prison to resume school in his free-fire zone of Seattle as part of a pilot program. The Blackhearts, by the way, all have this dumbass little tattoo of a black heart on their cheeks to show their affiliation. It doesn’t make me afraid of them, it just makes me want to help them sign up for HIV screening. Cody acts like he wants to lay low to not violate his parole, but bizarrely insists on driving home through the turf of the Blackheart’s rivals, the Razorheads (this is what middle-aged white people actually thought gangs were named). A firefight ensues, and he makes it home only to find his friends, younger brother, and mother all living in decrepitude and addicted to drugs.

    Going to school, he meets the new principal’s goody two shoes daughter, Christie. They bond over his bad-boy image and not wanting to be in a gang anymore. We’re introduced to evil corporate CEO Stacy Keach’s trio of new teachers, two of which are people you’ve never heard of, and one of which is Pam Grier. They’re androids programmed to teach, and to be able to physically handle the violent students.

    Well of course since Stacy Keach is the head of a profit-making kkkorporation, it turns out he’s evil and only in it for the money, without caring about killing kids, because hey, what’s a few (dozen) dead kids when there’s a buck to be made? THAT’S HOW CAPITALISM WORKS. You see, the three android teachers are actually reprogrammed military robots, and this whole setup is a test run to see how they’ll work in urban combat environments. Unfortunately when Malcolm McDowell finally gets wise, he gets his throat punctured for his troubles.

    Robo-view camera angle. Notice there is a selection for unspecified, “Karate Moves”. That’s Grade A schlock for you, right there.

    So the androids first discreetly kill a few troublesome kids, then for some reason flip their shit and decide to spark a war between the Razorheads and Blackhearts. While this war of many people firing automatic and semi-automatic weapons at each other from like 10 meters apart with nobody hitting anything rages, the androids sneak behind the lines and go on a murder-spree. There is one rather delightful scene of a kid being pulled backwards through a small hole in the wall, snapping the kid’s torso in half. Afterward, they kidnap Christie and take her to the school, trying to lure the competing gangs into a trap to restart their earlier battle. The gangs figure out what’s up, heroically join forces to defeat the androids, and after a bloodbath battle in the school, literally only Cody & Christie remain alive at the end. At one point, Cody also hilariously accurately hurls a fire axe across a classroom. Seriously, like 50 kids are killed over the course of this movie – it’s like Total Recall only with teenagers.

    The effects are workable for being a low-budget grindjob. At the end, when the androids are showing more of their robot parts, it isn’t too hysterical. Also you get to see a fake Pam Grier titty after her chest rips open. There is a gratuitous enough amount of violence to satisfy most people watching this who went into it with eyes open for what they were getting. Unfortunately the writing and directing are where this falls short (the director of Commando not being particularly adept? Gasp!). It suffers from something all of the movies of this particular subgenre suffer from, in a wildly unrealistic depiction of gangs, how gang members interact with each other, what gangs are named, what symbolism they use, etc. It’s more like what worried parents imagined in their heads when the first Hot Topic opened in their lily-white suburban mall and they saw their kids with a Dead Kennedys CD, which, as you probably know, bears precisely zero resemblance to actual gang members and activities. Movies pull shit like that all the time though. What bothers me more is that the robots really go off the reservation, and begin making stupid, witty remarks. At one point, one of them with a drill-hand (which seems much less useful on the battlefield than the other robots’ flamethrower hand and rocket-launcher hand) is drilling into a kid’s head, and he says, “I love to mold young minds!” while grinning manically. They’re robots, dude. They don’t get a boner for killing and make puns. The stupid killbots even slaughter their own support staff. During an earlier chase scene when the robots are driving after Christie & Cody after the teenagers broke into the robot’s shared apartment looking for clues, as they’re flying off a dock into the ocean, one of them says he hates getting wet. I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I really think the whole Terminator approach to killbots is preferable to the hokey-jokey variety you see here.

    Pam Grier finally shedding her limiting human outer shell to reveal the foxy killbot beneath. Notice the look of rapturous joy on her face? I don’t think Mark L. Lester knows what robots are.

    Also the guy who plays Cody sounds oddly like Corey Feldman. It was bugging me the whole time.

    So to sum up, if you’re not looking for much except a mildly amusing way to kill 90 minutes, it certainly isn’t that bad. Christ knows I’ve seen a lot worse. But don’t let the somewhat interesting premise trick you into thinking you’re getting anything particularly great here, some overlooked low-budget gem. Those movies exist, but this isn’t one of them. It’s one rung above a made-for-TV SyFy Channel Saturday Night Special, which is apparently what Mark L. Lester is churning out these days. The real waste is seeing three good-to-great actors slumming it here.

    And oh yes, lest I forget: there is a third film in this series. But that’s a tale for another time.

    I rate this film 4 psychotic killbots out of 10.

  • Take That For Data

    I’ve been mulling over a segment focusing on statistics and data for a while now. But since I suffer from (highly likely) ADHD and can’t seem to find time to properly give such a segment justice, I’ve sat on it. Aieee, sit on it, Potsie!

    With that sparkling opening introducing a new feature, enjoy these “Take that for data!”

    Ever wonder who the ‘drinkiest’ people in the world are?

    Worry no more. 

    What goes best with pizza? I know. Infographs!

    I did notice a foul habit in one of the graphs. 36% of Americans dip the crust in….ranch dressing?

    Two hours has passed since my last link. It seems I fainted and hit my head on the fall leaving me woozy after reading that stat.

    Sitting in a meeting about things relating to my business – I think. I forget – I wondered, who are the biggest producers of cured meats in the world? 

    Holland is 2nd? La-dee-daw.

    I’m not sure what contract I signed.

    Moving along. Here are countries with the highest self-employment rates. Please note, racists, graph is in White but text is in Italian.

    Greeks top the list. Us Nerf Americans languish at the bottom. Meh. How many entrepreneurs do you need, right Comrade Bernie?

    How many parasites do we need sucking off the productive classes, Grandpa Gulag? Eh? Hm?

    World’s healthiest countries. 

     

    And now for some sports.

    It’s been put forth the New England Patriots benefit from being in a weak AFC east. So I investigated. 

    Let’s start in the AFC north with the Steelers and Ravens. In the Belichick era: The Patriots are 6-3 against the Steelers in regular season play and 4-0 in the playoffs. They’re 5-1 against the Ravens but are 2-2 in the post-season facing them. Nonetheless, it’s a dominant edge for New England.

    Moving onto to the AFC south. The key team there are the Colts (who played in the AFC east for two seasons). Regardless, different team and division same result. New England is 12-5 against the Colts in the regular seasons and 5-1 in the playoffs. Again. Dominant.

    The only team to give them a run are the Broncos out in the AFC west. The Pats are 7-5 against them in the regular season but 1-3 in the playoffs.
     
    All-combined the Pats are 23-10 against those teams in the regular season and 12-6 in the playoffs. 35-16 overall.
     
    Not enough to weaken Graca’s argument you say?
     
    Check this out. Since 2000 the Patriots are:
     
    77-29 against all AFC east divisional teams – .726%
    70-26 against the AFC – .729%
    53-17 against the NFC – .757%
     
    That’s a .737% winning percentage for those of you scoring at home.
     
    That’s a lot of cheating, eh?
     
    Anyway. They won 74% of their games in the Brady/Belichick era. In addition, they’ve compiled a 25-9 record in the playoffs (.735%). In other words, they maintain their excellence in the playoffs.
     
    The New England Patriots would likely be just as successful no matter what division they played in. The only division that *could* conceivably halted the is the NFC east. It’s historically a ferociously competitive division with strong teams at different intervals. Alas, they’re not an NFC team. 
     
    They’re AFC.
     
    And they’re dominant.
  • Reviews You’ll Never Use: The Battle Wizard

    Greetings once again, my fellow luxuriants of the ludicrous, to another edition of Reviews You’ll Never Use. This week, let’s dip our toes into another great and underappreciated genre of film, Hong Kong wuxia (kung fu) films of the 70s & 80s. Today we’ll be taking a look at 天龍八部, or as you round-eyed devils have dubbed it, The Battle Wizard.

    Magic thigh-bone gun of ultimate devastation!

    I must profess to having a soft place in my heart for old trashy kung fu movies. Those of you my age or a bit older probably remember these as being staples on late-night cable, when they were just trying to fill air space. The silly dubbing, ham-fisted acting, convoluted story lines, and most importantly, the high-flying martial arts action are ambrosia for the aficionado of trash cinema.

    And brother, The Battle Wizard delivers on all these fronts. It’s a Shaw Bros. production, which may not mean anything to you, until I tell you that if you ever saw a fucked up cheesy Technicolor kung fu movie on tv at 2 a.m., it was probably from this production company. This particular film is based on a serialized novel whose title variously translates as Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils or Eight Books of the Heavenly Dragon. The novel deals in archetypes based on Buddhist cosmology, so it’s all a bit complicated to explain in a blog post.

    Pew pew!

    The film opens with a guy getting caught in bed with his mistress, by her husband. Rookie mistake. Of course they immediately fight, but it turns out the philanderer has mastered the ancient martial art technique of shooting lasers out of your finger. He shoots the husband in the knees, and then as he tries to flee, injured, he gets shot again by the finger laser, which results in both of his legs falling off below the knee. Somehow the husband disappears over the roof, running away on his stubs. Back inside, the philanderer’s wife reveals to his side-piece that he’s actually a prince and could never marry gutter trash like her. Take THAT, bitch!

    Reptile laughing uproariously. Seriously, if you watch these movies, the bad guys are *constantly* laughing their assess off for no reason. It’s really weird.

    Twenty years later, we cut to an underground cave. The cuckold has built extendable iron bird-legs for himself that can destroy rocks, because of course he has. He’s hanging out with a half-human reptile-man of some sort, whose provenance is never explained. Through the magic of exposition, we learn that Prince Philanderer is now king, and has a boy. Killing the son should be just the revenge Iron Bird Legs is looking for, so he dispatches Reptile to the surface world to enact his revenge labor for him.

    On the other side of the street, Gutter Trash’s daughter by Prince Philanderer is all grown up, and has mastered the ancient martial arts technique of firing lasers out of the end of an oversized novelty thigh bone. Her mother sends her out into the world to enact her revenge labor, on Prince Philanderer’s wife. She also tells Bone Shooter to always veil her face, because all men are worthless scum. See, SJWs aren’t new, they even existed in China 1,000 years ago.

    MEANWHILE, AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE, sonny-boy is moping about because his old man, now King Philanderer, is trying to make him study kung fu. All the boy wants to do is read old Chinese sages and be a scholar-philosopher. After fighting with his parents over it (who claim that no one can govern unless they can also kick ass), he sullenly runs away to prove that you don’t have to be Chuck Norris to make it in the world.

    Ambush by Iron Bird Legs, who it turns out 2/3 of the way through the film can also breath fire!

    Here’s where shit really starts to get weird. Deep breath: he meets a woman who can mind-control snakes and kicks his ass because she knows kung fu. They’re captured by bandits, but Snake Woman uses her powers to help Pacifist Son escape. She sends him to find a particular woman that can rescue her. Pacifist Son asks several wanderers in the forest, and eventually learns that the chick is a hated witch. Heart in throat he approaches her hideout to beg for help for Snake Woman. Turns out, the witch is Bone Shooter. What a twist! So Bone Shooter shows up, kills the bandits, frees Snake Woman (who promptly fucks right off until near the end of the film), and has to allow Pacifist Son to see her face because he sucked poison out of her wound sustained during the fight with the bandits. They’re then ambushed by Reptile, but survive because it turns out a giant red snake lives in the river and because it ate nothing but ginseng and deer antlers it’s whole life, it somehow grants magic super martial arts powers to anybody who drinks it’s blood (I swear that is the exact explanation given in the film). So in desperation Pacifist Son bites the snake and drinks it’s blood, sending Reptile scurrying back to tell Iron Bird Legs about this intriguing development. Pacifist Son and Bone Shooter go back to the palace because they want to get married, but find out they’re half-siblings through King Philanderer. Iron Bird Legs springs an ambush and captures Pacifist Son and Bone Shooter, throwing them into a pit (after an awkwardly weird scene of Reptile stripping and fondling the woman) where they have to fight a super-strong man in a cheap gorilla costume. Pacifist Son uses his snake invincibility to eat a magic poisonous frog that Snake Woman had given him earlier; this somehow makes him go Super Saiyan, and he defeats the magic carnivorous gorilla and escapes from the pit. There’s a final show-down with Bone Shooter, Snake Woman, Reptile, Pacifist Son, and Iron Bird Legs, where everybody shoots a shit-ton of lasers out of their hands at each other. Eventually the good guys kill all the bad guys, the end.

    Seriously, lasers everywhere.

    This is an amusing diversion for a variety of reasons. The effects are, of course, garish and silly by today’s standards, but I profess a certain fondness for the earnestness of the efforts of people burdened by a lack of both money, and skill. The plot is simply marvelous. Everyone trying to get revenge on everyone else, magical beings all over the place, the most crowded fucking forest I’ve ever seen in my life. The most interesting aspect to me, though, is the explicit turning of the usual trope of the weakling Chinese valuing faggoty scholarship in the classics over the vigorous manly martial valor that we value in the West. In this movie, the protagonist explicitly tries to be the very model of a perfect Confucian ruler, and is ridiculed for it, and basically gives up on it like 15 minutes into the film when he first agrees to let Snake Woman try and teach him kung fu.

    Carnivorous gorilla of doom. I hope Iron Bird Legs takes revenge on a lot of people, because that seems to be the only way the ape gets fed.

    If you’re already partial to this kind of film, you’ll love it. It’s got everything you could ever want from a 1970s low-budget Hong Kong import, including a hilarious scene of a horse falling to it’s death over a cliff. If you don’t already like this kind of film, it has nothing for you that would make you change your mind. I rate this film 3.5 Glowing Hands out of 7. Props to anybody who can name the movie this image is from without looking it up.