Good Friday is upon us. Hope your day goes better than a certain Lord and Savior’s did a couple thousand years ago. And I hope most of you managed to wrangle a day off work at least. So let’s get started with…the links!
With neither head of state backing down and a terrified South Korea and Japan hoping for a peaceable resolution, the North Korea – United States standoff is in a vicious cycle. Yeah, that’s the understatement of the week.
Pittsburgh Steelers chairman Dan Rooney died yesterday. You may know him as the guy that helmed the Steelers organization to SIX Super Bowl championships. Or you may know him as the guy responsible for teams not being able to immediately hire who they want for a job until they check off a few PC boxes first. Either way, he was an influential guy in football.
According to one HuffPo writer, this should be abolished. (But just for men)
Apparently Planned Parenthood is under siege. Because other people not being forced to pay for your abortions is akin to a holocaust. “You’ve come a long way baby”, my ass. Money is fungible. And if you’re marching in the streets because you can’t force other people to pay for your mistakes, then you might need to lose your collective right to vote. (Just kidding!)
Although I shouldn’t joke about an entire sex (or gender?) losing their right to vote. This whacked out idiot sure isn’t joking about it. (TW: HuffPo being more insane than usual. Want to know how bad it is? Even they turned comments off for the piece.)
Your tax dollars hard at work. And by “hard at work”, I mean being totally pissed away on studies to determine how racist roads projects are. I shit you not.
Greetings Boils and Ghouls, and whatever other gender you may be currently identifying as. For the next three weeks, I’ll be reviewing films from that wonderful splendiforous genre, my personal favorite, giallo. I’ll be doing this due to the presence of several well-known giallo guests at Texas Frightmare Weekend, coming up May 5th-7th. I’ll choose three different films from three of the genre masters. And don’t worry, my beloved readers, you’ll get a full report of Texas Frightmare after it’s finished and I’ve recovered from my biggest drinking & spending weekend of the year.
But since most of you probably either haven’t heard of that genre or don’t care for it because you are philistines with no taste, who drink knock-off Colt 45 in paper cups drawn out of a large plastic bag being sold by that elderly Mexican fellow pushing it around in the little cart, I won’t subject you to four straight weeks of the best 1970s Italy had to offer. This week we’ll go with a popcorn goofy horror film, one of my favorites from my woefully mundane childhood, Monster Squad. Or more correctly,The Monster Squad. But seriously nobody calls it that in casual conversation, and if you do, you’ll stand out as being that guy.
The movie poster. Pretty much does what it says on the tin.
Monster Squad is a 1987 creature feature with a set-up so ludicrous you can’t help but love it. Dracula is trying to take over the world, and to do so, gets the old band back together. Only our impetuous band of child heroes can stop him.
Monster Squad was directed by Fred Dekker, a man who writes much more than he directs. His few other directing efforts are…hit and miss. You have RoboCop 3 (boo, hiss!), but also Night of the Creeps (huzzah!). More interestingly, the film was written by Shane Black. Now if that name doesn’t ring a bell to you, see if this does: “Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend. I said to her, “Jeez, you got a big pussy. Jeez, you got a big pussy.”
That’s right, Monster Squad was written by fucking Hawkins.
Seriously though, check out his IMDB. In addition to being Hawkins, he’s written Lethal Weapon, Iron Man 3, and is directing the upcoming The Predator film. Nuts, huh?
Aside from that, Monster Squad is peopled largely with actors that you may probably kinda sorta recognize, but probably not (depending, of course, on how big a film fan you are). Mary Ellen Trainor (RIP), mostly known from the Lethal Weapon series. Leonardo Cimino, who plays the weird little bald guy with an accent in every movie which called for that role (also RIP). Jason Hervey, who played asshole older brother Wayne on The Wonder Years. Tom Noonan, from all sorts of things like Last Action Hero, and decent little Satanic Panic throwback horror film The House of the Devil. The IMDB photo for the main protagonist, Andre Gower, kind of has a rapey murder vibe going on. Finally, Drac himself is played by Duncan Regehr, whom our friends from north of the border will recognize as also being Canadian. He was in several episodes of DS9 as a Bajoran dude getting to occupy Major Kira’s wormhole and was also the ghost-but-really-it’s-an-alien-who-likes-fucking-Dr. Crusher-and-lives-in-a-candle-for-some-reason on that one episode of Next Generation where they go to Planet Scotland. You know exactly the episode I’m talking about, you fucking nerds.
ANYhoo, our story opens 100 years ago, with Dr. Van Helsing botching an attempt at killing Duncan’s Dracula – Dracan…Duncula? I like Duncula, let’s go with that.
Cut to present. Duncula has set up shop in Red Stick, Louisiana, and has recruited The Mummy (who escapes from the local museum), The Creature from the Black Lagoon (whom I could totally see living in Louisiana), some poor schmuck who has been turned into a werewolf, and even managed to rob Frankenstein’s Monster from an airplane carrying it God-knows-where. Does Red Stick even have a museum that would be fancy enough to host an actual mummy as part of an exhibition? I dunno. Suthenboy, what of it? You’re the closest one I know to that area.
The Jackson Five, as re-imagined by…well, me, I suppose.
Turns out, Mary Ellen Trainor just so happens to buy Van Helsing’s diary at a fucking garage sale (not making that up) and gives it to Rapey McMurderface as a gift. See, he’s really into monsters and has an after school club where they go up in a treehouse and talk about monsters. The only problem is, the diary’s in German.
So off we go to Leonardo Cimino, playing a Holocaust survivor, who translates it for them. Turns out there’s an amulet that balances good and evil in the world, and once every hundred years, you can bust that shit up and then evil will rule the world. So this is Duncula’s plan in a nutshell.
Our plucky protagonists manage to defeat the monsters one at a time (the mummy never does a goddamn thing except shuffle around and then get destroyed) and even recruit Frankenstein’s Monster onto the Good Team. Finally, we’re left with only Dracula, who, in a pretty badass scene that somewhat presages what you see at the end of Rogue One, purposefully strides through the middle of town casually massacring the entire police force as they run up to him one at a time.
Of course, in the end, a hole is opened to Limbo by having a virgin read some words (that’s how Limbo works, right?), and the mean monsters are sucked into Purgatory forever. Frankenstein’s Monster is also banished, punished for looking weird regardless of the morality of his behavior. Just like in real life. Being an 80s movie, there is, of course, a bitchin’ training montage, and a contrived rap song for the final credits.
Look, the movie has tremendous heart. And the monster effects, particularly the Gillman, are honestly quite good (thanks to the wizardry of Stan Winston). I also personally have always preferred the half-man, half-wolf bipedal werewolves to the “he just turns into a big wolf” variety. And there are some background scenes that still warm my nerdy child heart (one of the characters wears RoboTech pajamas. I wish I had RoboTech pajamas as an adult!). It’s genuinely great for kids, or even for adults just looking for a cotton candy movie on an otherwise boring Saturday night. But ultimately, there are just too many plot holes that you can drive a bulldozer through. How the hell do all these monsters manage to converge in Red Stick? Actual non-monstrous humans have a hard enough time converging there. Why the hell does the US Army show up at the end entirely in response to a letter written to them in crayon by a little kid? Why does Duncula have so much fucking dynamite on him at all times? He casually tosses dynamite at people that he just pulls out of a pocket on his tux at least twice – I don’t remember that as being a known method of attack, and I’ve read a lot of vampire lore.
I have no clue who this guy is wearing the shirt, but he’s pretty fucking awesome, I can tell you that.
Still, it’s impossible not to like this movie down on some level, in the cockles of your heart. Just don’t go into it expecting it to be anything more than it is. The film didn’t do well when it was released but became a “cult classic,” and when the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin held a screening featuring many of the cast & the director in 2006, it sold out with lines around the block. So if you’ve got an hour and a half to kill and want a little old-style Universal Monster action updated to mid-80s standards, give it a shot. You’ve really got nothing to lose except time, which if you’re a frequent guest of this site we all know you have plenty of, and you may find yourself smiling here and there.
Two quick anecdotes: first, there’s a scene where one of the characters (a fat kid who died of pneumonia in real life in 1997; I can’t help but feel it would be more tragic if he wasn’t so goddamn fat) remarks to Leonardo Cimino that he knows an awful lot about monsters. Cimino says that he supposes he does and closes the door to his house, where we see a concentration camp number tattooed on his forearm. As a kid, I had no idea what that was and thought it was Dracula’s phone number. Why else would he be saying he knew a lot about monsters, with the camera then focusing on those numbers with menacing music playing?
The Mummy, right when he realizes he’s about to be vanquished after accomplishing exactly Jack and Shit towards Dracula’s goal.
Also, Rapey McMurderface wears a shirt through the first portion of the film that’s just a red t-shirt with yellow screen-printed letters that say, “Stephen King Rules”. My wife loved that shirt so much she found it at Texas Frightmare Weekend three years ago and wears it around all the time. I think maybe only two people have gotten the reference in all that time, though lots of people just think it’s a pro-Stephen King t-shirt and comment on how much they enjoy that author. I love my wife. I love having sex with my wife. I think I’m going to go have sex with my wife right now while you’re reading this. Think about it.
I rate Monster Squad 15 Weather Penises out of 27.
Tiziano Vecellio, more commonly known by his street name, Titian, was an Italian painter, the most OG member of the 16th-Century gang, The Ventian School, so named after a street corner where they would sling the freshest frescos and drop mad canvas on the masses.
Madonna and Child, 1510. This was before her music career took off.
Titian was loved by his crew and even given the nickname, “The Sun Amidst Small Stars,” which was the 16th-Century equivalent of calling him the 1996 Chicago Bulls. Titian created over four hundred known tracks and around three hundred have survived.
Titian even has a color named after him, Titian Red, because Titian was all about white girls, especially redheads, and used his trademark color to capture the look of their hair on canvas. Even the Virgin Mary was a redhead to this firecrotch chaser.
Titian was also one of The Godfathers of Thicc.
The Venus of Urbino, 1538
I don’t know where Urbino is but if all Urbino girls got a thicc like that, I’m going on vacation there once my tax check comes in.
Venus Anadyomene, c 1520
Where is the beach that has all this juicy?
Penitent Mary Magdalene, 1531
I can only assume that “penitent” means “thirsty,” because that girl is thirsty.
Nymph and Shepherd, c. 1570-1575
Titian also like to show off those big ole butts. She could use some squats, though.
Diana and Callisto, c.1488–1576
Just a whole mess of thicc girls just hanging out.
Venus and the Organ Player, 1500
Should have called this one “Damn, girl… Let me squeeze your tit-tay.”
Titian also knew an eternal truth… Thicc girls LOVE severed heads.
So…rain here for most of the day. I fully expect taunting about either clear and warm weather. Or maybe snow you can ski. I would think the less of all of you did you not.
Something for everyone in this? [hint – Thor and his wife. No rain joke]
Ad execs are going to be raining out of the sky for this one.
So grumble about the rain, gloat about the sun or remain calmly weather aloof….whatever your preference.
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SugarFree here with a late-breaking link…
Ever thought to yourself “I don’t look stupid enough. Is there some way I can lower the estimation of me held by all my friends, relatives and passers-by?” Well, there is. There is.
Honey is not an item one thinks about very often unless you are fermenting a tasty mead or like to use the natural sweetener (gag) on your morning toast. But there are lessons to be learned from honey: the effects of tariffs and as a parallel to the drug war.
Americans apparently love their bee squeezings, consuming a yearly average of 1.3 pounds per person for nearly 400 million pounds in total. Since demand is so high, U.S beekeepers can only supply forty-eight percent of this amount, with forty-one other countries making up the rest. But honey, like so many other market products, is controlled (to some degree as we are about to find out), and foreign imports are, in theory, kept in check by tariffs. Chinese honey, in particular, has been targeted since the year 2001 with a stiff tariff, tripling the import duty to $2.63 per net kilogram. This was enacted because American producers complained that the Chinese were undercutting “fair market” prices (whatever those are!), making it difficult for domestic beekeepers to compete.
Since the tariff on Chinese honey, to no one’s surprise, the imports from other countries suddenly spiked, as Chinese producers found other means to move their product. Honey Laundering, as it is called, happens by shipping the product from China to a neutral port, changing the country of origin, and then sending the barrels onward to the United States. Recent estimates say that a third of the honey consumed here comes from such illegal sources. And because of filtration methods, the pollen – used to determine the country of origin – can be scrubbed clean, creating an untraceable product. Some Chinese producers also create fake honey – make from artificial sweeteners and mixed with other liquids to look like the real thing.
China, as to be expected, views the tariff as a protectionist measure. The domestic producers counter that Asian honey has antibiotics and the presence of lead; also the tariff not only protects American beekeepers but is an important health issue. For example, in India, honey tested for export in 2010 found lead and antibiotics in twenty-three percent of the samples. These samples were assumed to have come from Chinese sources, relabeled as Indian production.
Over the past few years, there have been indictments and arrests for honey laundering, spanning several countries. There are federal agencies at work here, too: the Department of Justice, ICE, and the FDA, busy busting illegal importers but only making a minor dent in the flow of illegal honey. Honey laundering continues, and will continue as long as there are incentives to do so.
Sources: various articles found online (take that!).
Sauces and stocks are the foundation of good cooking. For any quality construction a good, solid foundation is necessary. In French cooking there are five basic sauces and from those countless other sauces are made. They are called Mother Sauces. One of those is unique in that it is a stand-alone sauce. I am talking about Hollandaise sauce. It is considered the most difficult sauce to master, by far. It requires lots of practice, a double boiler, time, careful timing, and lots of attention.
Except it doesn’t.
You can easily whip up a perfect Hollandaise in under ten minutes with almost no equipment. Five if you are practiced.
Place one half of a stick of salted butter (4 tablespoons) in a 2-cup glass measuring cup. Put in the microwave and heat on high for 15 seconds. You should be able to see some of the butter has melted, usually leaving a hole in the base of the stick. If some of the butter is still cool place back in the microwave on high for five seconds. Continue doing this at 5 second intervals until the butter is about half melted and half soft-solid. Swish it around and mash it up a bit with a small whisk. If the bottom of the glass measuring cup feels warm – around body temperature or just above – you did it right. If it feels hot, even slightly, you have heated too much, in which case you can let it cool.
Place two raw egg yolks, one tablespoon of lemon juice, a pinch of cayenne pepper, and a pinch of allspice in with the butter. Whisk vigorously. After a few minutes the mixture should start to look a bit lumpy. Don’t worry. Ordinarily this would mean you have ‘broken’ the sauce, which means your butter was too hot and has cooked the egg yolk. If you heated the butter to body temp or just above, the mixture will look this way but will not be broken. Keep whisking. After a minute or two it will suddenly go from slightly lumpy to creamy smooth. It should cling generously to your whisk when you lift it.
Congratulations – you have made a perfect Hollandaise in less time than it takes to brush your teeth. It should have a very tangy, buttery, delightful taste. This will be enough sauce for four eggs. I start my eggs in a skillet, make the hollandaise and set it aside, and then start microwaving the bacon. I put the English muffins in the toaster, and go back to flip the eggs. It should all be ready about the same time with the sauce waiting – 15 minutes start to finish.
For a Sunday morning breakfast, spoon the hollandaise generously onto a toasted half of an English muffin. Place one fried (or poached) egg on top of that. Salt and pepper the egg. Serve with bacon or sausage and orange juice. You have whipped up a fancy Eggs Benedict breakfast for your significant other. I promise they will appreciate it.
*Hollandaise is an excellent sauce for putting on cooked vegetables, particularly for asparagus. Cook your asparagus in chicken stock until tender, top with the sauce and pepper to taste.
China urges against American military force being used on North Korea. And at the same time, they urge the hermit kingdom to halt its nuclear program. I sure hope everybody listens, because while I think it would be a pretty short war once those Norks saw what a well-fed military with proper weapons looks like, I believe it would be an utter disaster with a lot of bloodshed. Plus its none our damn business.
Remember how that race in Kansas earlier this week was gonna be the first big test on Trump? Well, now that the GOP prevailed, pundits are saying the first REAL big test is coming up in Georgia. I wonder how much bitching they’d be doing if it was the GOP candidate who had 95% of his campaign’s money coming from outside of the state?
Washington shooting victim. Or recipient. You decide.
Artist of “Charging Bull” sculpture sues over addition of “Fearless Girl”. One hopes that if he wins (and I’m not really sure he has much of a case), we’ll be treated to some burly workmen hitting the girl statue with a sledge hammer or some other progressive-outrage-inducing image.
Somebody needs to get these guys a pallet of Twinkies and a pallet of Mountain Dew
. Fat man competition in Ethiopia. They look pretty fit with potbellies to me.
Oh look, this cop has been taking lessons from the same book the cops who attacked Sloopy’s mom. My local PD stopped me around Christmas and gave me a free ham for using the crosswalk.
Today I won’t focus on Wartime Abraham Lincoln, the Emancipator…
Francis Carpenter, “First Reading of the Emancipation Proclamation of President Lincoln” (1864)
…but on Peacetime Lincoln, circa 1854-1860, the gradualist opponent of slavery.
Campaign photo, 1860
I’m going to suggest that during this period, Lincoln’s antislavery views made a good deal of sense.
Let’s look at 1858, when Lincoln famously laid out his views in the Lincoln-Douglas debates. On the surface, Lincoln and Douglas both seemed to be on the same side. Both Senatorial candidates – the incumbent Stephen Douglas and the upstart ex-Congressman Lincoln – wanted the territory of Kansas to be a free state, and both opposed President James Buchanan’s efforts to have Kansas admitted as a slave state under the proslavery Lecompton Constitution.
Constitution Hall, Lecompton, Kansas
But the two candidates took different routes to reach their respective conclusions.
Douglas believed that the important thing was to let the white settlers of Kansas decide the slavery issue for themselves. Since most white settlers didn’t want slavery in Kansas, that should end the matter. Buchanan’s people had tried to rig the elections so that proslavery whites dominated over the antislavery white majority, and this was the scandal, Douglas said.
Lincoln said that it went beyond what the white people in the territory wanted. Federal territories should be free of slavery. Lincoln claimed that the Founding Fathers had wanted to keep slavery from spreading – confining it to the states in which it already existed but not allowing slavery to be brought into the federally-controlled territories. The nation could not endure half slave and half free, but, said Lincoln, a proslavery plot, including both Southerners and northern collaborators like Douglas, was on foot to overturn the Founders’ vision and extend slavery everywhere – ultimately, perhaps, into the free states like Illinois.
Douglas said that this was all nonsense. He appealed to the racism of his audience and said that the rights of black people meant nothing, that it was only the will of the white majority – whether that majority was proslavery or antislavery – which mattered in any given territory. The founders contemplated a diverse country, with slavery in some states and territories, and not in others, based on local whites’ assessment of local needs, free from any foolishness about rights for black people.
Lincoln made clear that, while he was a racist, he was less racist than Douglas. While Lincoln didn’t want black people to vote, and he was even open to resettling them out of the country (biases that he began overcoming during the coming war), Lincoln defended the right of any person, regardless of color, to own his own labor and not to have the fruits of their labor stolen by anyone else. This was the famous Republican “Free Labor ideology” much mocked by modern historians for its naive belief in the ability of hardworking people to rise in the world if given the chance to do so.
In the debates with Douglas and elsewhere, Lincoln made some exceptions to the right of free labor. For one thing there was the positive law of the Constitution, which required fugitive slaves from the South to be sent back to slavery. Lincoln supported this part of the Constitution as part of his loyalty to constitutional government. In that specific case, the positive-law provisions for slavery overcame the natural right to be free. Likewise, Lincoln recognized the validity of Southern laws providing for the enslavement of most of their black population – thus he denounced the John Brown raid seeking to overturn slavery by violence.
So Lincoln’s thought was: be careful to respect slavery where it existed, but don’t let it spread beyond the existing slave states.
Lincoln himself gave the best summary of his ideas, in a speech in New Haven:
If I saw a venomous snake crawling in the road, any man would say I might seize the nearest stick and kill it; but if I found that snake in bed with my children, that would be another question. [Laughter.] I might hurt the children more than the snake, and it might bite them. [Applause.] Much more if I found it in bed with my neighbor’s children, and I had bound myself by a solemn compact not to meddle with his children under any circumstances, it would become me to let that particular mode of getting rid of the gentleman alone. [Great laughter.] But if there was a bed newly made up, to which the children were to be taken, and it was proposed to take a batch of young snakes and put them there with them, I take it no man would say there was any question how I ought to decide! [Prolonged applause and cheers.]
As for slavery where it existed, it should be allowed to wither away with time, as was bound to happen if it wasn’t allowed to spread.
Father Time waits for the slaves to be free
John Brown, of course, didn’t go in for that sort of gradualism.
Brown thought slaves were oppressed now, and they should be freed now. Just before he was hanged, Brown said that America’s sin of slavery would only be washed out with blood.
Not a historically accurate painting
But Lincoln was, I believe, right about the Founders and the replacement of the Founders’ wisdom with an aggressive proslavery consensus among Southern leaders and their allies
The Founders may have been hypocrites, they may have been naive about slavery gradually withering away, they may not have knocked themselves out fighting against slavery, but they did mostly realize that slavery was wrong and that it was incompatible with the principles of the Declaration of Independence.
They set up the biggest anti-slavery territory in the world with the Northwest Ordinance. They got rid of the institution in the Northern states. They banned the importation of slaves from Africa into the United States. And at least in theory, they banned U. S. citizens and U. S. ships from taking part in the slave trade from Africa to Latin America.
Statue of Alexander Hamilton, National Constitution Center, Philadelphia
George Mason was a Virginia slaveholder whose papers contained considerable denunciation of slavery.
George Mason
George Mason’s grandson James, a Virginia Senator, wrote in 1857 that poor old Grandpa George had been unduly harsh on slavery, but should be excused because of the circumstances of the time, when going all-out for freedom was the fashionable thing. Senator Mason told the historian George Bancroft not to use the antislavery stuff in Grandpa George’s papers, because even poor deluded Grandpa George wouldn’t want his slavery-bashing writings to come into “profane or depraved hands” (probably meaning opponents of slavery).
Senator James Murray Mason
John C. Calhoun, one of the foremost supporters of slavery, admitted that the language in the Preamble to the Declaration of Independence was inconvenient to the proslavery cause:
We now begin to experience the danger of admitting so great an error to have a place in the Declaration of our Independence. For a long time it lay dormant; but in the process of time it began to germinate, and produce its poisonous fruits. It had strong hold on the mind of Mr. Jefferson, the author of that document, which caused him to take an utterly false view of the subordinate relation of the black to the white race in the South, and to hold, in consequence, that the latter, though utterly unqualified to possess liberty, were as fully entitled to both liberty and equality as the former, and that to deprive them of it was unjust and immoral. To this error his proposition to exclude slavery from the territory northwest of the Ohio may be traced, and to that the ordinance of ’87, and through it the deep and dangerous agitation which now threatens to ingulf, and will certainly ingulf, if not speedily settled, our political institutions, and involve the country in countless woes.
John C. Calhoun statute, Statuary Hall, Capitol building, Washington, D. C.
So it seems Lincoln was onto something when he said that slavery apologists in his time were abandoning the pro-freedom ideals of the Founders.
As for a conspiracy to spread slavery – perhaps it should be called a competition among pro-slavery forces rather than a conspiracy. The various slavery supporters were at the time vying with each other to show proslavery voters in the South that they were more proslavery than the other guys.
So with these limitations – allowing that he did not recognize human equality to the same extent as did abolitionists, allowing that his wartime behavior raises a whole new set of issues, allowing that he had a background (and a future) as a Whiggish pro-big-government guy, we can say that the Lincoln of 1854-1860 was right.
Right, that is, about two specific things: (a) The Founders didn’t like slavery, and looked forward to a day when slavery didn’t exist in the U. S., and (b) there was by Lincoln’s time a strong faction which rejected the Founders’ wisdom and was committed to spreading slavery.
Place one half of a stick of salted butter (4 tablespoons) in a 2-cup glass measuring cup. Put in the microwave and heat on high for 15 seconds. You should be able to see some of the butter has melted, usually leaving a hole in the base of the stick. If some of the butter is still cool place back in the microwave on high for five seconds. Continue doing this at 5 second intervals until the butter is about half melted and half soft-solid. Swish it around and mash it up a bit with a small whisk. If the bottom of the glass measuring cup feels warm – around body temperature or just above – you did it right. If it feels hot, even slightly, you have heated too much, in which case you can let it cool.
Congratulations – you have made a perfect Hollandaise in less time than it takes to brush your teeth. It should have a very tangy, buttery, delightful taste. This will be enough sauce for four eggs. I start my eggs in a skillet, make the hollandaise and set it aside, and then start microwaving the bacon. I put the English muffins in the toaster, and go back to flip the eggs. It should all be ready about the same time with the sauce waiting – 15 minutes start to finish.
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