Blog

  • Reviews You’ll Never Use: Dark House

    Hello, and welcome to (what may be) the first in an on-going series of film reviews. These will not be your ordinary film reviews, oh no sir, for your humble reviewer is no ordinary cis-gendered heteropatriarchal man. Much as our dear friend the Derpetologist plumbs the depths of the interwebz to bring you only the derpiest in modern derp, I, too, am an explorer in dangerous environs. My particular faculty, however, lies in obscure, campy, poorly made, misunderstood, niche horror and sci-fi films.

    Let us begin with the most recent horror film I have seen – Darin Scott’s Dark House. This appears at first glance to be a meaningless addition to the already rich canon of poorly acted, poorly written, cheap computer FX DTV (direct to video) horror library. However, as our parents should have taught us, looks can be deceiving.

    Some scant years ago, at a small private orphanage, a small gaggle of children are butchered by their insane caretaker, who then takes her own life in suitably gruesome fashion. Cutting to the present, a group of acting students at the local community college are approached by haunted house impresario Walston Rey to act as a skeleton crew for a press run of his new haunted attraction. The attraction is, of course, located in the previously seen massacre house, which over the years took on a “haunted” reputation in the local community. One of the students, Claire, is strangely eager to go. It turns out Claire had a terrifying experience there, and her shrink thinks spending time in the house would unlock her repressed trauma. Unable to go it alone, she believes this will be the perfect opportunity to revisit the house in a safe environment. Thankfully for us viewers, her supposition about the safety of said house turns out to be hideously wrong.

    https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTU3NDQxMTAxOV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwOTE0Njg1Mw@@._V1_UY268_CR4,0,182,268_AL_.jpg
    Box cover. I swear, sweet 80s VHS box covers are a lost art. We will discuss this, AT LENGTH, in a future post.

    The film starts off in a very paint-by-numbers fashion (for low-budget horror) and is saved by the timely arrival of Walston, played by the always delightful Jeffrey Combs. Seriously, I would pay money to watch Jeffrey Combs read the Calcutta phone book. Many of you may know him from his recurring roles in various Star Trek series, notably both as the Vorta Weyoun and the Andorian Shran. True horror connoisseurs, though, will always think of him as Dr. Herbert West in the immortal and perfect in every way Re-Animator. Since Mr. Combs takes the stage (literally) while in a scene featuring the entire rest of the cast, the immediately noticeable gap between his talent, and that of the remainder, is almost jarring. It is here that we are introduced to Claire, played by Meghan Ory. This Canadian actress’s screen credits are ample, if mostly guest shots on TV shows. She plays the role of slightly nutsy Claire adequately, if not with any great enthusiasm. When the rest of her class expresses skepticism, she has some wonderful meta-lines about how many famous actors got their start in low-budget horror. For our readers who may not be aware, this is an actual fact, and will perhaps be the focus of a future post.

    Our intrepid team of would-be actors (and I do mean that in both an in-universe sense and in a real life sense) show up to learn their roles for the press opening of the haunted attraction. Something unnatural goes wrong with the computer controlling the effects and…well, if you’ve ever seen a horror movie in your life, you know where this is headed. Thankfully Mr. Combs is not the first to go, as so often happens in these sorts of films when they spend the money to trot out a fan favorite, but can’t really afford to give their character more than minimal screen time.

    It is at the ending that the film makes its first real attempt to separate itself from the pack. Without giving away too much, what appears to be the closing scene contains a plotting element that comes just…this…close to being interesting and at least a little different. That is something that many of you have no idea how hard it is to find in this genre of film: anything different.

    OH SHIT SON!!!
    Creative Commons image that comes up when you search, “horror”. That’s right, I’m lazy. Screw you.

    Unfortunately, the filmmaker then completely shits it all away with an extra few minutes that wake us violently from the beautiful dream of a low-budget horror film that doesn’t feel like one has wasted 90 minutes of one’s life in viewing, and plants us firmly back in the reality in which most low-budget horror films feel like you’ve just wasted 90 minutes of your life in viewing. A real shame, honestly. This was only director Darin Scott’s second film, so he may be forgiven for not having fully developed his instincts yet. That’s what a good editor is for. He later helmed several other horror films, which you can find on IMDB if you are so inclined, and also directed what I’m sure was an underrated classic, House Party: Tonight’s the Night. That’s right, a House Party sequel, in 2013. When I’m having a hard time slogging through a particularly bad horror movie, I can look back on that fact and remind myself that it could always be worse.

    I award Dark House two-and-a-half Naked Asian Batmen out of five. Image result for pixelated dicks  Image result for pixelated dicks Image result for pixelated dicks

  • Thicc Thursday

    After 3 weeks of waiting, it is my pleasure to present to you the first PAWG to grace this site.

    In honor of this momentous occasion, I ask that before we get to the topic at hand, you join me in a song of praise that is the tradition of (half) my people:

    https://youtu.be/tI-g7un9lEE?t=3m47s

    Without further ado, Tifanie Ascherl (aka Snowphat) is thicc.

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BD0xvcmA7GV

     

    https://www.instagram.com/p/_5B9Ibg7LR

     

    https://www.instagram.com/p/uRbZRXg7Gd

  • Thursday Afternoon Links

    Sorry – Thicc Thursday is in a little while yet. You will just have to bat these links around for a bit until then.

    1. Another police killing…wait a minute!
    2. Hi, GOP…(hint, the author is displeased with ObamaCare Lite)
    3. Liar, lawyer, pants, fire, etc.
    4. OK, you know I have a weakness for the Daily Fail, so here is one from them that makes me jealous of the British way of politics.

    OK, bide your time until Thicc Thursday.

    Thicc Tock Thicc Tock
    “How long until the Thicc?”
  • Fair Share

    Of course cats are grumpy... they are nature's perfect killers but we keep picking them up and kissing them.
    Stick it to the fat cats, man.

    Winston Churchill said that a nation that tries to tax itself into prosperity is like a man trying to fly by standing in a bucket and pulling the handle. These sort of statements show why he never gained a reputation for wit and remained a minor British politician.

    Wealth is like a pie and everyone deserves a slice. Right now, a few rich people get most of it and everyone else gets what’s left. Some only get crumbs. The pie needs to be sliced more fairly. There is only so much money out there, so no one can get richer unless someone else gets poorer. This is why our bank accounts get smaller anytime someone wins the lottery. Right-wing nut jobs will tell you that poverty is caused by poor decisions and bad luck, but the truth is it is rich people who push down the poor. Life is better in countries like China and Cuba where the government takes control. That way the common people, not the rich, are in charge. Or just look at Zimbabwe, Africa’s most prosperous country. There, the government went even further. It printed lots of money and gave it to the poor, and everyone became rich because money is the same as wealth.

    Taxing the rich is good for everybody. That’s why the most prosperous period in US history was the 1930s when the top tax rate was 77%. This why the period of FDR’s presidency is called The Great Prosperity. If the government needs more money, it should just raise taxes. The rich people will grumble, but they will pay up because rich people never, ever try to avoid paying taxes by earning less or hiding their money overseas. Also, every time the government raises taxes, the extra money is used to pay down the debt, which reduces the amount of money the government needs to create. This is why everything is cheaper now than 100 years ago and why old people always talk about how a dollar used to be worth a lot less.

    Anyone who disagrees just doesn’t understand economics.

  • One State Libertarianism

    Cast your mind back to 2006. It wasn’t a good year for the Republicans; not with George W and his muddled and seemingly endless war. This was the time when a New Republic article came out – one that is still referenced today – concerning the supposed new political fusion called Liberaltarians. There were, of course, several responses to this. Lost in the mix was John Derbyshire’s take. This was before his expulsion from Nation Review for saying, to put it kindly, less than politically correct things about African-Americans. But I won’t dwell on that, but will instead cover his idea of Libertarianism in One Country which, as to be expected, involves immigration restriction.

    First some snippets to put this in context:

    A liberal, in the current sense of the term, is a person who favors a massive welfare state, expansive and intrusive government, high taxation, preferential allocation of social goods to designated “victim” groups, and deference to international bureaucracies in matters of foreign policy.

    It is not difficult to see why such a person would favor lax policies towards both legal and illegal immigration. Immigration, legal or otherwise, concerns the crossing of borders, and a liberal regards borders, along with all other manifestations of the nation-state, with distaste. “International” trumps “national” in every context. The preferences a citizen might have for his own countrymen over foreigners, for his own language over other tongues, for his own traditions and folkways over imported ones, are all, in the minds of a modern liberal, manifestations of ugly, primitive, and outdated notions — nativism, xenophobia, racism. The liberal proudly declares himself a citizen of the world, and looks with scorn and contempt on those narrow souls who limit their citizenly affections to just one nation.

    This is some pretty strong proto-alt-right stuff. Viewed eleven years on it prophesied, though to what degree is uncertain, of the rise of Trumpism. There are several issues that I have with this description of liberalism, but let’s move on to the meat of his problem with libertarians.

    The affection of liberals for mass immigration, both legal and illegal, is thus very easy to understand. Why, though, do libertarians favor it? And why do I think they are nuts to do so?

    So far as the first of those questions is concerned, I confess myself baffled. I think that what is going on here is just a sort of ideological overshoot. Suspicion of state power is of course at the center of classical libertarianism. If the state is making and enforcing decisions about who may settle in territories under the state’s jurisdiction, that is certainly a manifestation of state power, and therefore comes under libertarian suspicion. Just why libertarians consider it an obnoxious manifestation — well, that’s where my bafflement begins. (That some exercises of state power are necessary and un-obnoxious is conceded by nearly all libertarians.)

    After some quotes from Charles Murray, Derbyshire continues:

    As to why I think libertarians are nuts to favor mass uncontrolled immigration from the third world: I think they are nuts because their enthusiasm on this matter is suicidal to their cause. Their ideological passion is blinding them to a rather obvious fact: that libertarianism is a peculiarly American doctrine, with very little appeal to the huddled masses of the third world. If libertarianism implies mass third-world immigration, then it is self-destroying. Libertarianism is simply not attractive either to illiterate peasants from mercantilist Latin American states, or to East Asians with traditions of imperial-bureaucratic paternalism, or to the products of Middle Eastern Muslim theocracies.

    And here lies, at least to my eyes, the battle of Open Borders within the (American) libertarian community. What is the effect of culture on an individual? Is there something about American Dynamism that is unique in our historical place? Or, to put it another way, are the concepts of freedom, liberty, and, most importantly of all, individualism truly universal? This outlook, one started by the Reformation, created in the firestorm of 18th century European philosophy, and finally crystallized in the American Revolution may be unique in history. Or maybe not. I’ll let the commentators hash that one out since I know I don’t have an answer.

    Now Mr. Derbyshire goes a bit off the rails. I wouldn’t let Stalin run a lemonade stand because he would do more than squeeze the lemons.

    The people who made Russia’s Communist revolution in 1917 believed that they were merely striking a spark that would ignite a worldwide fire. They regarded Russia as a deeply unpromising place in which to “build socialism,” her tiny urban proletariat and multitudinous medieval peasantry poor material from which to fashion New Soviet Man. Their hope was that the modern industrial nations of the world would take inspiration from them — that the proletarians of those nations would rise up against their capitalist masters and inaugurate a new age of world history, coming to the aid of the Russian pioneers.

    When it was plain that none of this was going to happen, the party ideologues got to work revising the revolutionary dogmas. One of them — it was actually Joseph Stalin — came up with a new slogan: “Socialism in One Country!”

    Derbyshire’s final point:

    I think that libertarians should take a leaf from Stalin’s book. They should acknowledge that the USA is, of all nations, the one whose political traditions offer the most hospitable soil for libertarianism. Foreigners, including foreigners possessed of the urge to come and settle in modern, welfare-state America, are much less well-disposed towards libertarianism.

    If less than one in seven American voters is inclined to libertarianism, then there is much missionary work to be done among present-day American citizens. To think that this missionary effort will be made any easier by a steady stream of arrivals from foreign parts, most of which have never known rational, consensual government, is highly unrealistic, to the point of delusion.

    That is why I say that libertarians who favor mass immigration are nuts. If there is any hope at all for libertarianism, it rests in the libertarianism of my title: libertarianism in one country.

    What say you?  Is libertarianism a unique strain of political thought that resides most strongly in American tradition?  Or is it universal – something that transcends across time and culture?  If one was to magically transport to Xia Dynasty in China, or to the height of the Roman Empire, would the citizens there understand individualism and freedom in the ways that we do?  Or, to put it in more modern terms, would a person with a tribal background, let’ say from the depths of Borneo, understand the basics of the philosophy?  (Am I beginning to sound like a certain judge?)

     

  • We’re Living in a Post-Digital-Evidence Age

    Revelations from Wikileaks have far deeper implications than have been covered by the media as yet. The CIA has lost control of not only a trove of documents about the organization’s cyber warfare capabilities. It’s lost control of the weapons themselves.

    WikiLeaks has dropped a bomb on the CIA

    In digital warfare, there exists the concept of a zero-day exploit. In hacker/information security parlance, a zero-day is an undisclosed vulnerability in software that has been discovered. Ordinarily, watchdog groups and the organizations that produce software have procedures in place to discuss vulnerabilities and issue patches before releasing details of exploits to the general public. Only in the extreme circumstance of an organization deliberately ignoring reports by security researchers of exploitable weaknesses do ethical hackers resort to releasing details of the attack to the general public. The obvious ramification of knowledge being openly available before a patch is released is that anyone can use it prior to patching.

    There is the obvious issue, raised by Wikileaks itself, that the CIA has duplicated the functions of the NSA, but very likely with even less oversight for the use of their arsenal. This is not only a waste of taxpayers’ money, but possibly a revelation that unconstitutional attacks on the privacy of American citizens may be taking place by more than one government agency. If that is the case, it is a clear violation of the CIA’s mission, as laid out by Congress.

    The ultimate effect of losing this digital arsenal, which may now be in the hands of anyone, is that literally any digital evidence may be called into question. The scope of who may have access to it is completely unknown, and this genie cannot be put back into its bottle. The evidentiary value of criminal activity stored on computers could be disclaimed as planted evidence. This has wide-ranging implications not only for cases under consideration, but for future cases which may be brought.

    The CIA now has an obligation to the American people to disclose all of the methods of its infiltration to software developers in advance of the coming storm. It must shatter the weapons it created and, if Congress deems it necessary, it may rebuild a new arsenal.

    Furthermore, Congress must probe the agency deeply and potentially reform the country’s spying agencies completely. There is evidently far too much overlap for which the taxpayer is expected to foot the bill. It is also evident that there is too little civilian oversight and too much delegation of powers in the name of national security, a long-standing problem which has now become an emergency. Ethical considerations of spying on foreign powers aside, this lapse has made it clear that our own spying agencies are as much a danger to our own citizens as they are to the rest of the world.

  • Thursday Morning Links

    Thursday, baby!  The Thiccness is on its way, don’t worry.  Now, let’s see if I can keep you amused for the first part of the day.

    Rand is finding his voice again.
    Mick and Keith are finding their friends.

    Here’s the last decent song the Rolling Stones put out. (Don’t say “Hang Fire”. That was a good one too, but this was the final track on that album so it counts as “last”)

    Last thing: I’ll be putting together a college basketball tourney pick em for the Glibs and for any of our old friends that haven’t joined us but participated in the years I used to do it over there.  I know I failed to put one together last year, but I’m climbing back in the saddle again this year and will have it up shortly so you guys can get registered.  It’ll be a Yahoo! deal, just to give you a heads-up.

     

  • Weird Wednesday: The Anatomy Lesson

    Can't we ever get a girl for this stuff? This is like the ninth dong I've had to look at this semester.
    “Anatomy Lesson by Dr. F. Ruysch,” Adriaen Backer, 1670

    I was never quite sure how Frances started hanging out with us. I think maybe she came to a few parties thrown by friends of friends and that’s how she got to know Miller.

    I do know why she kept hanging out with us: she liked Miller. No girls liked Miller. He was good-looking enough and as a transplant from Pittsburgh, he counted as an exotic in small town Kentucky, but he was girl-repellant for the most part. And even when pressed by Cooper or me, girls couldn’t tell us exactly why they didn’t like Miller, just that they didn’t. He got his share of first dates, but never any second ones.

    Frances was thin and short, a nervous type that either didn’t speak or spoke in rapid bursts, like suppressing fire from a machine gun nest. There wasn’t anything notable about her body, small breasts, hipless, pale skin with a sprinkling of moles. She hid her face behind large glasses and never wore any make-up. She favored plaid western wear and too long skirts that she seemed to have trouble walking in. I think at first I probably assumed she was Pentecostal.

    Her most prominent feature was her terrible hair, dishwater blonde and incurably frizzy. She wore it in a thick braid down her back most of the time, scraped back from her face in a way that made her head look tiny. She even got in Miller’s pool with it in a braid, and when she got out her hair never seemed to be wet.

    She followed the three of us around that summer, showing up at parties where she didn’t know anyone but us, huddling near us like she hoped no one else would talk to her. Maybe she liked all three of us, but I had a girlfriend and Cooper always had a rotating cast of girls he was dating, and she really did seem strangely drawn to Miller. When they finally end up making out on his couch at one of his pool parties, no one was really surprised.

    The only result was that Frances was around more. It became impossible to go to Miller’s house and not see her as well. Cooper even started bringing his thin little alien girlfriend Tracey over now that it was just the three guys. Frances and Tracey even became friends after a fashion, going off to talk to each other quietly. My girlfriend tried to befriend them as well, but it didn’t work.

    After a few weeks, Miller called Cooper and me to come over to his house. It was just the three of us. Miller was disturbed. He talked around the subject for a little while until we pressed him. He and Frances had finally had sex, a squalid scene in his car in a public park, and he had discovered a secret. Her clitoris was large. Very large. He held up his bony pinkie and menaced us with it. He admitted that when he first reached into her pants and found it, he had reached past it to confirm she had a vagina and not a set of balls. He worked through his misgivings in the heat of the moment and had sex with her away.

    Miller was very angry with Cooper and me for laughing the whole time. And asking if she had tried to fuck him with it, and if this meant he had finally given his first blowjob, and if she had jizzed on him.

    Miller became obsessed with Frances’ large clitoris. It seemed like it was all he could talk about: why it was there, what it meant, if he was still straight after jerking her off. It proved too much and he broke up with Frances over the phone after just a few days.

    We didn’t hear from Frances for a while. She stopped coming to parties and dropped the oddball friendship she had with Tracey. None of us saw her until school started back in the fall and Cooper ended up having two classes with her. He talked about how uncomfortable it was to see her and life went on.

    Cooper and Tracey broke up for the seventh time. At some point after that, Cooper slept with Frances and experienced the large clitoris for himself. He told me about their encounter and the clitoris itself in harrowing detail but kept it as a guilty secret from Miller. It seems he never quite believed Miller about how large it was but now he knew the horrible truth firsthand.

    Now, I wasn’t kidding when I said Cooper was popular with girls. He was tall, and in shape, and had long black thick hair that was just feminine enough to put girls at ease. He slept with most of the girls I knew in high school, and the rest fantasized over him. And, of course, there were a number of bad break-ups. More than one girl had said he had a small penis.

    It was a standard break-up insult but it came up so often that I finally asked one of the girls he had dated, my best female friend, about it, and soberly she confirmed that Cooper had a dick “No bigger than my thumb.” And she had held up her small, delicate hands.

    This did start off a tirade of penis information I never wanted: Derek’s was short and thick—“like a soup can” and it had hurt; Jeff’s was long and thin—“like being fucked by a candle”; Tommy was uncut and —“it tasted like he kept it up his own ass.” She then demanded to know about the girls I had slept with: Who was really hairy? Who stank? Who had “swamp pussy?”

    I deflected by talking about Frances and her large clitoris. And we spent the rest of that night theorizing on the intimate geometry required for a guy with a thumb-dick and a girl with a pinkie-clit to find an angle for mutual pleasure.

  • Review: Horizon Zero Dawn

    Horizon Zero Dawn is a third-person action RPG developed by the same folks who put together the many, many Killzone games–none of which I have played.

    Mr. Riven and I had been following the news about this game since we saw the first trailer for it. As time went on, we both had concerns that it was going to be an Assassin’s Creed clone …but with a pre-historic feel and metal dinosaurs guise!!11! Thankfully, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

    Not that I didn't try, of course
    Too beautiful to kill

    The game doesn’t have much in the way of traditional tutorials other than some very brief scenes when you’re a child. I, personally, love that. A game that encourages you to learn by playing it takes me back to simpler times. That’s not to say that prompts won’t appear on screen to help you out–press triangle to gather herbs or loot downed enemies, etc.–but you also won’t have to go through 10-minutes of forced actions with a new weapon, either. (“OK, use this weapon to kill enemies this way, now that way, now this other way, congratulations on completing the mandatory tutorial!” I’m looking at you, Batman: Arkham Knight, even though I think you’re otherwise a fabulous game.)

    The world map looks small …until you start playing. Fast traveling costs resources, but I found that I preferred to hoof it from one place to another, anyway. The absolutely stunning world is populated with plenty of machines and wildlife, all of which you are free to kill as you please or not. I highly recommend killing everything that moves because I dislike being resource-starved. That said, as meticulously as I do hunt and gather, I haven’t out-paced the economy; there’s quite a few shinies for sale that encourage “saving up.”

    You could say he has a predilection
    “Mecha-raptor butt-hacking has never been so beautiful.” – Mr. Riven

    The skill point system and accompanying skill trees offer some decent customization options regarding gameplay. Consider yourself a brawler? There’s a tree for that. Prefer a stealthier style? There’s a tree for that. The last tree seems to be largely environmental: gather more resources from fewer sources, override machines for longer, that sort of thing. But it should be noted–so, y’know, note it–that you will certainly max out each of these trees by the end of the game, so it really comes down to what you want first. I’d also like to point out that Mr. Riven plays like Deadshot (lots of ranged combat), while I prefer more of a Deathstroke approach (up close melee combat). So, like I said earlier, options.

    Finally, the story is compelling and downright beautiful, and it shows you right away in the first thirty minutes (ish) of gameplay that the dialogue choices you make might come up again later. Not having played through the entire game, I can only hope that this continues to be the case. Mr. Riven is further along than I am, and there seem to be all kinds of tangled webs to unweave and mysteries to solve. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing how it unfolds, especially considering how gorgeous that unfolding has been so far. (Seriously, the main character’s hair [and hips] are mesmerizing.)

    9/10; will continue to bang.

    If you have questions, please feel free to leave them in the comments below, and I will do my best to address them in a spoiler-free manner…after I put this game down for two goddamn seconds.

  • Wednesday Afternoon Links

    Happy Wednesday, Glibertarians. I’ve started asking my iPhone things that include the words, “bomb”, “America”, and “ISIS” a lot.

    We had to go all the way or no jury would have convicted her.

     

    If we’re going to start doing music with the links, I submit Ann and Nancy Wilson with a special appearance by Luke Skywalker.