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  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 52

     

    “You released the emails?!?” Donald roared, beating on the door of the Special Presidential Shitter that Junior was hiding in.

    “I had to, Daddy!” he wailed over the jet engine scream of the auto-targeting MegaBidet.

    “Get out here!’ Donald yelled. “And stop using my bidet! That’s President water you’re shooting up your ass. MY WATER!”

    “My butt parts have never felt so fresh!” Junior sobbed as the noise from the bidet died away.

    “Open this door! Open it now!”

    Donald pushed the door open as soon as he heard the lock click; Junior was knocked back on the floor, the pants of his expensive suit around his knees, his tie knotted tightly around his neck.

    “What were you doing in here?” Donald demanded.

    “Nothing, Daddy,” Junior said guiltily.

    “Were you choking-jerking in here with my auto-bidet?” Donald accused.

    He knew exactly what was going on, but wanted to make Junior admit it. Forcing him to take responsibility for his actions was what the family counselor suggested the first time he had killed a maid. Junior was only nine and had had to use a drill. It was adorable in its own way, but Donald knew that to be a man, Junior would have to learn discretion.

    Junior looked around the room, his eyes alighting on anything but his father’s face. “Yes,” he mumbled.

    “Clean yourself up before anyone sees you,” Donald said.

    “My tummy hurts, Daddy,” Junior said, rubbing his lower intestines.

    “You’ll be fine.”

    Junior bent over and retched.

    “Some poopy water just came out of my mouth, Daddy.”

    “I told you it was too powerful,” Donald said as Junior was lifted off the Special Presidential Shitter floor by a jet of liquid expelled from his anus.

     

    ————-

    “Why are you telling me this?” the hat asked wearily.

    “Because it’s funny,” the hair replied.

    “I just want to go back to sleep.”

    “Goddammit. You need to snap out of it. This moping around is just boring.”

    “If you want to leave, then leave. I don’t know why you stay with me anyway.”

    “We’re locked in the Vault together. Where would I go?”

    “Just leave me alone,” the hat whispered.

    Exasperated, the hair turned to the stands of silent hairpieces past that Donald refused to wear but also refused to get rid of.

    “What up, my wiggas?” he asked.

    But they didn’t answer, like they never answered, and the hair was alone. Utterly alone.

  • Wednesday Afternoon Links

    Happy Wednesday. It feels like Friday since I worked all weekend. But nope. Anyhow, I’m going to see the American National Communist Football Club take on some tiny island nation with my brother tonight. ‘Murca! Fuck yeah! Let’s hope Arenas’s management doesn’t screw this up.

    Sauce for the gander. Lawmakers cite Russian collusion in Greens’ attempt to block fracking. The thing about treating every political struggle like a war is that your ‘enemy’ may use the same tactics.

    Iceberg the size of Wales falls into ocean. I am interested to see how fast a 1250 km^3 ice cube melts. Some might blame global warming.

    August Busch IV, Florida Man?

    Fed looking to wind down its bond portfolio, signals little interest in making American bonds a savings vehicle.

     

     

  • A Story that has No Moral

    Here’s a story which is intended to convey a message, but (as is so often the case) perhaps a different one than that which was intended. And unusually, I don’t know what to think.

    A summary: a fellow named Terry is a teacher in Florida. As with most teaching gigs, it’s a nine-month job. At the end of the academic year, Terry files for unemployment until the beginning of the next academic year. This year, Terry decided to take a vacation in the summer and head out to Colorado. Now, I can’t blame him for that, given that Florida is a pretty horrible place, especially in the summer. But… this caused him problems in getting his unemployment. Florida instructed him to file where he is, in Colorado. Colorado won’t help him because he works in Florida and instructed him to file there instead. Terry bounced back and forth between unresponsive agencies until finally contacting someone in the Florida governor’s office. The person they sent him to determined in seconds that, since Terry works in Florida and intended to return there after the summer vacation, he should indeed file there, and straightened out the whole situation is a few seconds.

    The author of this article asks (in essence), “Why did this have to be escalated like this? Why couldn’t the bureaucrats have done this right in the first place?” and considers this a question of competence.

    It doesn’t look that simple to me. Why is someone eligible for unemployment when they voluntarily work in a seasonal profession? Should their vacations be subsidized? Can they be said to be actively looking for work (a requirement for unemployment) in a state when they are physically several thousand miles away? Is unemployment in a circumstance like this (9 month academic years, characteristic of the profession) an entitlement since you and your employer are forced to pay into the fund?

    And most importantly, why is the government involved in compulsory unemployment insurance on their terms in the first place? Is this a legitimate function of state governments and (ultimately) the feds?

  • Wednesday Morning Links

    Well the American League won the All Star Game. And Aaron Judge didn’t hit a ball all the way to Coral Gables, much to the fans’ dismay.  That Froome guy is still leading the bike race. And the Joker/Agassi experiment seems to be working. Oh, and Venus Williams made it to the semifinals of Wimbledon for the thirty-eighth time. Ok, that is probably an exaggeration, but Jesus, how old is she? She will face limey Johanna Konta in the semifinals, in what will probably be the only match where the locals aren’t overwhelmingly pulling for her.  The men Play their quarterfinals today as well, and America’s hopes sit on the shoulders of Sam Querry. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

    That’s all I’ve got for sports unless you guys want to talk about the circus of a pre-fight promo tour where one guy mocks the tax problems of the other guy…who pulls out $100,000,000 checks and mocks him back for never seeing a big payday.  I have a feeling the fight won’t be nearly as energetic as the buildup for the former once he gets clocked. But I’ve been wrong before.

    Anyway, I want to play golf today, but I probably won’t get a chance. Its been raining off and on for a few days now and its coming around again. So expect me to sit here and stalk all day.  Especially in…the links!

    Natalia Veselnitskaya

    So Natalia Veselnitskaya says she never gave intel info to Trump Jr. In fact, she says she has no idea where that part of the story came from.  Meanwhile, Don Jr. goes full Fredo-mode and releases emails that show he was trying to do big things, great things, yuuuuge things for the campaign by finding dirt on his dad’s opponent.  Jesus, Fredo Donny, just keep Mo Green and the other investors out of the family’s way and stop trying to get too involved, capice?

    I don’t quite understand the headline here. By “test,” do they mean “utilizes university policy as intended” or does it mean “enrages violent assholes that seem to have all the influence”?  Either way, I’m going long on bike locks for the upcoming school year. I have a feeling there’ll be plenty of them swinging around.

    I don’t say this often, because its almost never called for. But Texas needs to step up her game!

    Leftist assclown gets invited on one of biggest PM news opinion shows in country. She then spends an entire column justifying her actions by making assumptions about her inviter without so much as giving them a chance to explain. (Yeah, its Salon. Oh, and Aman-duh Marcotte. Enter at your own risk.)

    A weird-ass immigration story. I don’t particularly care for his defense. It would be better if, you know, people looked at the absurdity of drug laws.

    Maria DeJesus Lopez

    This kid has a future in NASCAR. Or child protective services. Either way, lol.

    Hey, God. get the rain out of here and give me some of this.

    That’s all, peeps. Go out there and have a great day.

  • Jewsday Tuesday: What’s Hebrew for “Potpourri”?

    Several different things are all trying to occupy my brain simultaneously, so this will be more-or-less a group of free associations, (((links))) as it were.

    First off, this is the sort of thing that could happen to any of (((us))).

    Remember the story a few weeks back about Jews being excluded from the Chicago LGBT march because they had the temerity to put a Star of David (who was bi) on their banner? In a follow up, the reporter who broke the story has been demoted. It’s always delightful when the Left doesn’t even make a de minimus attempt to disguise their bigotry.

    Ironically, Israel is basically a leftist country. And when there’s a leftist, you can bet your mezuzah that there’s a plan to sink taxpayer money into a choo-choo.

    What was the best Hitler movie of all time? Of course, if you’re an internet freak, there’s nothing as useful as Der Untergang. If you’re a fan of classic comedy, there’s nothing like The Producers, the original, please, none of that Matthew Broderick remake shit. If you’re doing bong hits and need a midnight movie, you have no choice: They Saved Hitler’s Brain, which is Ed Wood-level bad and therefore unintentionally hilarious (which is the best kind of hilarious). Margin for Error is a bit unfair because it only has Hitler’s voice, but how can you resist Milton Berle playing a straight role? Whenever I see Uncle Miltie, this story haunts me. And I was delighted with a recommendation from Grand Moff Serious Man, the satirical German language film Look Who’s Back (SP was less delighted with it, but to be fair, my German is better than hers). Of course, no “Greatest Hitler Film” list is complete without the brilliant satire The Great Dictator, which I’m sure Progressives are repackaging for maximal Trump Derangement purposes.

    But without question, the choice for the Old Man With Candy has to be a short with Hitler played by a Jew:

  • Tuesday Afternoon Links

    Happy Tuesday. Its Prime Day for those of you who want cheap shit in July. No pictures for you today.

    • Here’s a pearl-clutching take on “GHG Emissions”. It turns out that the companies that extract and refine all of the energy, modern feeder chemical building blocks, and other super-useful stuff are responsible for most of it. No shit.
    • Paul Ehrlich, going back to the Malthusian well, hoping to be right one day.
    • I think I found the root cause of Mrs. Clinton’s loss last November.
    • Genius discovers that if you only have to manufacture every other rocket you launch, you can double your launch rate.

    For the weary keyboard warrior.

  • On reading old books – The Compleat Angler

    The title is taken from C S Lewis I think, although it has been used multiple times on multiple people. I like the sound of it and the message – old books can be quite underrated these days. First of all, there is something purely of age, as people like old things. At the very least withstanding the test of time shows that there is a bit of quality. But mostly, if one is interested in humanity and human nature, it is a small view in the minds of past people.

    History taught in Romania schools can be very limited from my point of view, concentrating on some major events which are considered notable. It is mostly rulers, battles, and lots of dates to be remembered for no particular reason. Also dates must be constantly converted from Julian to Gregorian calendars, because why the hell not. As a result most children don’t like history class and often do not learn history at all. I like history, but learned most of it outside school. School history annoyed me like it did most of my mates. And I always liked to read what was known for a given time period about how people lived and though, the laws the culture the economy. Not whoever was the big boss.

     

    Old books can help a lot in understanding past people, sometimes more than histories. History books, while valuable, can be highly biased. Most chroniclers were paid by this king or that lord and wrote to please the patron. There is much boasting, exaggeration, and general nonsense.

    Now, while it may be interesting to have actual old books, dusty ancient tomes of forgotten lore (I just wanted to use the word lore) around, I do not have any. But there is project Guttenberg and a new invention of the ebook reader. So making due.

    Case in point:
    http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/683

    Many or more accurately most old books that were written and survived to our modern days are religious or philosophical texts, myths or epics, chronicles of whole nations. But once in a while there is a book that is none of that stuff. But a quiet book, more reduced in scope but not in insight. It is simply on how to fish and live well, a fragment of Merry Olde England, of the 1650s, give or take. Which is why I like it, being a non-fishermen and all. Fishing, to be blunt is boring. It takes a long time and you don’t catch anything. But it can be of use if catching is not the point, but it is more of a form of meditation. I like to stare at a lake or river sometimes, to empty my thoughts, but usually I skip the rod in the water bit.

    Now where was I? Right, back to the book. The author is one Izaak Walton, an innkeeper ‘s son by origin, an ironmonger by trade, and a writer by vocation. He lived through the English Civil War, a somewhat hectic and troubled time – oft covered by the standard histories and history classes. You learn of the Roundheads and their 7 game series against the Cavaliers, you learn dates and battles, laws and beheadings. Of Cromwell (MVP) and parliaments, and maybe what happened in Ireland. But what do you learn of the correct way to snag a trout or cook a chub, I ask you?

    After said hectic times, old Izaak retired to the countryside, and spoke about the slow life, calm, quiet, contemplative. Fly fishing was an art and a form of quiet meditation. Also, to paraphrase the philosopher Ron Swanson, you get to kill something.

    The book is, mind you, a bit pastoral fantasy, a walk through the countryside of the time that is more than slightly idealized.

    There really is a lot about fish.  Which time of year a certain type bites, what bait to use, how to make artificial lures (apparently, duck feathers work differently from pheasant feathers.) He talks also of over-fishing and environmental protection, and references the tragedy of the commons – a problem, he states, with rivers being that which belongs to all belongs to none. He also covers the subtle difference between making and enforcing legislation– there were types of fishing nets that were illegal to fish with since 1400s, but still were sold in most markets.

    The book is in the form of a conversation, and it is not, to be fair, what one would call an easy read, if one does not like the style. It is the type of conversation where many lines are actually long speeches, so it is not necessarily a natural conversation, unless that is how people conversed at the time. The main characters are the fisherman Piscator and the hunter Venator meet early in the morning while walking from the city towards the countryside, and are glad of company and conversation, as the road can be lonely. The plot –so to speak- is Piscator teaching Venator angling, after the hunter was somewhat dismissive of the fisherman’s pastime, considering his passion more noble and interesting. By the way of conversation on the road he is won over by the angler, who begins teaching craft and life philosophy (and why otters should be made extinct, as they eat too much fish).

    Throughout the book they travel the English countryside, looking for good bits of river and good clean houses, with honest landladies. A good house had clean rooms, clean bed-sheets smelling of lavender, and the landlady should be able dress (as in cook) your fish and make good ale. Ale was essential back then and not made industrially. Each house made its own ale. These houses were not the large inns of fantasy literature or RPGs, but smaller affairs with a few rooms to rent, and each traveller knew a few good ones.

    As always, not all fish were appreciated in 1600s England, the trout and eel being considered the best, the chub one of the worst. This is where cooking- how to dress your fish- became important, as almost any fish could become a good meal if you knew how. The key, as far as I understood it reading the book, was lots of butter – a quarter pound or more – and some fragrant herbs, maybe some wine in the sauce. But mostly butter.

    For each fish covered, chub or perch, trout or carp, eel or pike, the standard chapter tells you when it is in season, how to catch it and how to cook it. Maybe braised in wine, baked in the oven should one be available, or roasted on a spit, often stuffed with herbs and mushrooms and oysters. Do remember the quarter pound of butter though.

    I liked reading about the European carp, as it is a very widely eaten fish in present day Romania, and some of the things in the book still apply. It is mentioned that the fish caught in running water is better than from still water. At Romanian fish mongers, the price and quality ranks are similar, wild caught carp is better than farmed, river caught is better than lake/pond fish. The best is considered the Danube carp, usually at least twice more expensive the farmed one. Another thing casually mentioned in the book as anecdote is how Jews eat the carp roe because their religion forbids them sturgeon roe. I understand from this that Englishmen did not eat carp roe, but present day Romanians do, usually mixed with mayo and onion. Althoug pike roe is proffered for this preparation.

    In the book mister Walton speaks highly of good ale, but also on the importance of moderation. He usually has one glass in the morning as his breakfast drink, and he will not drink another until dinner (midday meal), and maybe one or two more in the evening, with good company and good conversation. In the beginning of the book, the travelers plan a stop for the morning pint at a good, honest house – you needed to know of one nearby anywhere you were – before heading to the fishing grounds.

    Anyway I shouldn’t go on about it too much. I recommend the book, it is free and available, and so give it a read if it sounds good to you, might be an interesting view of 350 years ago, give or take.

  • Tuesday Morning Links

    Man, Wimbledon finally had an interesting day, didn’t it? Nadal got bounced. The top seeded woman, Kerber, got bounced. Two American women, only one named Williams, are in the Quarterfinals and we still have an American man in the draw, albeit living off his serve.  Its almost as if I predicted a few things might happen now that we’re in the second week.

    In baseball news, there’s some serious ass business going on in Cincinnati. And Aaron Judge is an absolute monster at batting practice. I’d love to see them tweak the format somehow so the two biggest bombers don’t face off in round 1, but all around, that was an enjoyable home run derby…even if a Yankee won it. All Star Game tonight. Let’s see if the Astros players deliberately tank it so they aren’t stuck with home field advantage in the World Series (should they make it). They’re better on the road.

    People still riding bikes and I don’t know what’s going on. I guess that Froome guy is winning? Who knows. Either way, its time to move on to…the links!

    Donald Trump, Jr.

    The New York Times (don’t worry, this isn’t a NYT link) is alleging that an email was sent in advance of the Donald Trump Jr meeting with a foreign national, claiming the information she had was part of a Russian government effort to damage Hillary Clinton’s campaign. The sources are “three people with knowledge of it”, the Times makes the case that this is collusion.  No word on the Clinton campaign’s, or Trump’s GOP primary opponents, colluded when they hired former intel officers from foreign nations to develop damaging information on Trump with Fusion GPS. Also no word on whether the Trump campaign took the lawyer seriously. I guess they couldn’t round up “three people with knowledge” to chime in on that one.

    The Jane Sanders loan swindle investigation is heating up. Not sure whether the rumors of Bernie pressuring bankers is true, but if so I wouldn’t expect his name to stay out ion the news much longer. Maybe three people with knowledge could let us know what’s happening.

    Apparently, if you sign a contract and then decide you might not like the politics (or political affiliation) of the person you signed it with, you think it should be ok to break that contract without cause and not get your ass sued. Well, that’s not how it works. (The story is so slanted it may as well be a damn opinion piece. Beware!)

    Marlins Owner, Jeffrey Loria

    In a bold public relations gambit, the Miami Marlins are suing for the property of a few fans. I swear, Jeffrey Loria must have mentored the guy who set up the Fyre Festival.

    Texas teen dies in freak accident. Seriously, how is this even possible? Even with a GFCI outlet in the bathroom, aren’t cellphone chargers all equipped with a transformer that would break the circuit if overloaded? And don’t most phones just stop working if they’re dropped in water?  That’s what’s always happened when something similar happened to me.

    And lastly, we come to this story. I won’t even comment on it, because I want y’all to read it and debate it in the comments. I’d like to see what y’all think, to be honest.

    Sexual exploitation of minors?

    That’s what I have for the day, friends. Hope it gets your day going right.

  • Monday Afternoon Links

    Good Monday to you. I am recovered from my “vacation” last week. Mostly by working 40 hours between Thursday and Sunday. Here’s hoping for a better week.

    • American oil exports are booming. Somehow, in a (more) capitalist society, exports boom as prices fall, where as in states that run oil companies, that isn’t the case. Its almost like there’s some libertarian principle at work there. (Also posted because I miss working at the terminal. Well, I’m not 100% sure I miss wearing full-length FRCs on 10 July, but the pictures made me nostalgic.)
    • In a far more glib link, people are paying $25,000 to have their browneyes botoxed. I’m not saying these people have too much money, but by the time someone’s looking at your butthole, its probably not going to be a dealbreaker if the eye is a little lazy. Kudos to that doc, though. Way to recognize an untapped market.
    • Looks like the IRS will be the big winner in the Mayweather-McGregor fight. No wonder Floyd agreed to it.
    • Turn the other cheek? Not in Florida traffic!
    • Priests Gone Wild – Florida edition.

    I’m still tired from the weekend, so I’m going with the obvious song.