(((We))) name each of the books of the Torah by the first significant words in the Hebrew text. What you goyim call “Deuteronomy,” we call “Devarim” because, like the French, Jews have a different word for everything. Devarim means “words,” taken from the first line, which translates as, “These are the words of Moses…” Like Fidel Castro, once Moses got on a roll, the Jews hoped that everyone had gotten to pee first, ‘cuz they were going to be there a while. And though not spelled out explicitly, wandering off during that oration to find something more interesting to do would probably have started the old smiting shit, since unlike Castro, Moses wasn’t big on long-term imprisonment of people whom he felt had slighted him. Just smiting, with an occasional side order of stoning. So everyone was stuck there while Moses rattled on. And on. And on.
At its essence, Devarim is a collection of three of Chairman Moses’s speeches. And that’s all Devarim is, just a lot of rambling and reminiscing, no new content. No daughter fucking, no spearing of Jews banging Midianites, no bloody battles, no miracles, just Moses imitating Bernie Sanders. Nothing to advance the story, just a lengthy recap. So… boring.
The sedra for this week, Eikev, presages the Festivus ritual of The Airing of Grievances- “Here’s all of the ways you’ve disappointed me.”And trust me, Moses goes on about this at great length. But of all the Grievances, my favorite part is Moses bitching about the Graves of Lust, which isn’t nearly as interesting as the name implies.
To understand the Graves of Lust, we need to consider manna. We’ve all heard of manna, but no-one has the foggiest idea of what it is. It first appeared about a month and a half after the Jews bolted out of Egypt. The food they had brought with them, which featured the always-delicious matzoh, started to run out, and Jews being genetically programmed to whine, started whining. “I’M HUNGRY! FEED ME! GO MAKE ME A SAMMICH!” Just to shut up their whiny Jew-mouths, Yahweh sent down a rain of manna for them to eat. Understand that the root of “manna” is the Hebrew phrase, “WTF is that?” And indeed, it’s variously described as being like flakes, like coriander seeds, and like bdellium. Not that anyone knows what bdellium is, but still. In any event, Yahweh told Moses to tell the Jews, “Don’t ask questions, pick it up, eat it, and stop whining!” And he further told them, “This is nutritionally complete, fortified with iron, niacin, thiamine, and vitamins B12 and C. And lots of antioxidants! Don’t eat anything else, this is as free as government cheese.” Interestingly, the stuff miraculously fell from the sky, carried no economic cost, and couldn’t be sold for profit. Cage-free, no GMOs, all organic. This may be the origin of the Jewish affinity for Progressivism.
Now let me inundate you with Manna Trivia, just so if you’re ever on Jeopardy, you can say, “Miracle Foods for $100, Alex.” Besides the imprecision on its appearance, manna is described as tasting sweet and having a perfumed aroma. It would fall daily to be picked up, but the greedy Jews were warned not to gather more than a day’s worth. Of course, most of them didn’t listen, scooped up all they could, and found out that after a day, it went rancid and wormy. Pro Tip: next time, listen to Yahweh, OK?
More trivia: because Yahweh forbade picking shit up on the Sabbath, on Friday you could grab two days worth to tide you over and it wouldn’t go bad until Sunday. Miracles of Convenience.
Yet more trivia: Goyim couldn’t eat manna. When they tried to gather it, the manna magically turned into a mixture of Teflon and oil, so it would slip through their dirty goyish paws. JEWS ONLY.
Best trivia of all: manna contained only the purest of nutritional whatever. And what this meant was that if you followed Yahweh’s Manna Diet, you didn’t shit. I am not shitting you, that’s really what the rabbis teach. YOU STOP SHITTING WHEN YOU EAT MANNA. That will likely be the Final Jeopardy question: “When you eat this, you stop shitting.” “What is manna?”
After you win a pile on the show, remember, you owe me 10%.
Back to the story. Moses had said, “We’re going to eat manna. We’re going to eat manna so much. We’re going to eat manna when we’re wandering, we’re going to eat manna when we’re stopped. We’re going to eat manna so much, you’re going to be so sick and tired of eating manna, you’re going to come to me and go ‘Please, please, we can’t eat manna anymore.’ You’ve heard this one. You’ll say ‘Please, Moses, we beg you sir, we don’t want to eat manna anymore. It’s too much. It’s not fair to everybody else.’ And I’m going to say ‘I’m sorry, but we’re going to keep eating manna, eating manna, eating manna, We’re going to make Israel great again.” And he was right, the Jews did bitch to him about the rather monotonous diet. “In Egypt, we had meat, we had bread, we had falafel, we had hayse arbis, this manna shit is getting old.” Moses finally got sick of the bitching and he went to bitch at Yahweh about it. “Will you PLEASE get those fucking Jews off my back?” Yahweh, never known for tolerance or a sense of humor, responded, “Tell ya what, I’ll sent a bunch of birds your way, so me-damn many birds that those whiners will be vomiting bird meat out their nostrils!” And Yahweh, being the sort of god who does what he says, did what he said. The Jews went crazy with joy and started munching away on quail.
Now Yahweh had previously told the whiners Jews that manna was perfect, it was all they needed, and to just eat that. So despite the fact that he had fucked with their heads by sending them delicious birds to eat, he decided to punish them by, yeah, you guessed it, smiting them with a plague. He killed off thousands of potential future KFC customers by using this little trick. When they dropped the birds and went back to manna, the plague stopped. And because Hitler Yahweh had killed a bunch of Jews there, the area where all the birds were eaten and the plague hit was thereafter called “Graves of Lust.” No sex, just the munchies.
Yahweh is nothing if not consistent.
Comments
89 responses to “Jewsday Tuesday: In a Manna of Speaking”
Soylent Manna?
I could have been first 10 minutes ago, I just didn’t want to.
You just didn’t have anything funny to say.
The last shall be first and the first shall be last.
Wait, is my foreskin growing back???
Deep dish looks so fucking good. I’ll be making spaghetti with meatballs in red gravy. Vodka cranberrys.
Thanks OMWC for the (((info))). Always interesting.
We like having a Lou Malnati’s nearby. I do get into screaming matches with them about their very inappropriate terminology, but their deep dish is terrific.
Lou Malnati’s on N Wells is one of my favorite places in America.
What you goyim call “Deuteronomy,” we call “Devarim” because, like the French, Jews have a different word for everything. Devarim means “words,”
So what do they call “Numbers”?
B’midbar. “In The Desert.”
In the desert you can remember your name
‘Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain
Shaka, when the walls fell.
I thought that was (((talk))) for some really crazy shit you won’t believe.
Definitely NOT manna, and definitely not pizza
Needs at least one inch more thiccness?
“so me-damn many birds”
*Applause*
You know who else gave speeches and led their people?
Ken?
The Rev. Jim Jones?
The article was pre-Godwinned.
Imagine if God had Twitter
My chosen people, bitching again. Sad!
Are you familiar with the Book of Proverbs?
That made me LOL.
My dad has taken up the habit of texting me every morning around 8am — even weekends — with a daily Bible verse. I’m waiting for the morning I’m grumpy enough to reply with “Proverbs 27:14”.
M Bison?…
Not Vega?
Toastmasters?
President Whitmore?
Love these stories
So everyone was stuck there while Moses rattled on. And on. And on.
39 years of rambling and 1 year of wandering. Moses sounds like a Japanese tour guide.
Did the Jews have SLRs hanging around their necks too?
OT: Not sure if this was linked before….Mendacious hit piece that boils down to “SEE, MUH ROADZ!!!:
https://www.texasobserver.org/the-rise-and-fall-of-the-freest-little-city-in-texas/
In my links this past weekend. ANTISEMEET!
My bad, I slacked on my lurking this weekend (as in I was working…..don’t tell Rufus)
Sorry, antisemitism is the only explanation.
OliGopoly oooh, Disqus comments. Those are always fun.
There’s a heapin’ helpin’ of derp in them there comments.
According to the commentary in {{{our version}}} “the book can be seen as a kind of survival manual for Israel in their life as a people: how to live and what to avoid. This gives the book its hortatory style and tone of life-or-death urgency.”
Late last week I ended up reading about Matteo Ricci, a Jesuit priest that interacted extensively with the Ming court. It seemed appropriate to reserve this for the scheduled Jewry discussion.
Kaifeng Jews
The entire wikipedia entry about the Kaifeng Jews is even more interesting than the small introductory blockquote and I recommend reading both articles.
Seconded. Strangely, I happened to read that very article about two days ago.
Deut 19:1-13 gives a foreshadowing of the distinction between murder and manslaughter – if someone kills another by accident and not malice, the killer can got to a city of refuge and their life will be spared.
can go to
Sinead O’Connor posts disturbing video, says she’s ‘suicidal,’ living in a motel
Lol
*shreds photo of Pope on SNL*
She’s a “priest” in the “Catholic Latin Tridentine Church” – though of course I hope her Facebook cry for help gets heard before she does anything awful to herself.
She’ll be fine.
Nothing compares to her.
The longer I’m alive the less I believe about the past.
I’ve noticed a trend on television of flashing back to the old days where some overtly racist thing would happen. A kid from the 60’s would say “We don’t like your kind” if a black kid tries to join their club or game. But as time passed that flashback was the 70’s, then the 80’s. But I was around for the 80’s and the culture was 180 from that. Everyone would want to be friends with the black kid to show how not racist and cool they were.
I heard a story recently about how in the 80’s women were locked out of jobs by their husbands.
Now if I was born after that time maybe I would accept it as true. But then that’s what I’ve been doing about the supposed ever presen racism before my time. The 1964 CRA passed with majorities in both parties.
Another one I’ve noticed is talking to Vietnam vets. Their experiences have never been like the TV portrayal. Most of the guys I’ve talked to enjoyed Vietnam, none of them were angry at America or having psychological problems.
The Vietnam vets I know that have psychological problems had those problems before they went. The war just made it worse.
My little brother spent a signifigant amount of time in Iraq. He was always crazy in the sense of I’m gonna do what the fuck ever I want to and fuck the consequences. He decided that his brand of life wasn’t doing him a whole lot of good and joined the army.
He’s been out for a few years now and is doing great. He is almost done with an engineering degree that he started 3 years ago. He has worked the wh5ile time he’s in college and has incurred close to zero debt. He has avoided any legal trouble, which was a constant part of his premilitary life.
That said, he has really dark moments about his time overseas. I’m very close with mybrother. His time overseas has changed him. He has bouts of depression that he never had before and I blame this squarely on him being a combat soldier who had actual time under fire. He has a combat infantry badge.
I think you are painting with a little too broad a brush suthen. I know that war most certainly affected the psychological well being of my brother.
Never underestimate the power of survivor’s guilt.
My BIL was a Marine in Nam. He won’t talk about it. All he will say is he hopes LBJ died screaming in pain.
1. One of the things that makes me believe the Old Testament is fairly accurate and probably the most valuable historical document in the world is all the 19th Century British archaeologists who made their names by reading the OT, figuring out where a city or battle was based on the landmarks, digging, and hitting paydirt time after time.
2. Read Semper Cool: One Marine’s Fond Memories of Vietnam – I enjoyed my time in the Gulf War, not surprised he enjoyed his in Vietnam.
These people need to fight the good fight and they cant do that without a good villain. There are plenty of them around but they are scary and dangerous. Better to fight straw men.
Let’s say you wanted to distribute a piece of propaganda 300 years ago. It would have been difficult. You simply couldn’t reach the masses. Maybe if you had a network of street preachers or something. Today the President can reach a huge percentage of Americans through television. People probably formed much of their views by talking to people in their community, church, etc. propaganda was difficult to disseminate.
I think the last 100-200 years may have been an aberration in history. For the first time in history the elites could talk to the masses through radio, television, and newspapers. But there was limited resources so the creators of the content. More and more of their knowledge of the world came from fewer sources. It was the golden age of propaganda. A combination of ability to reach the masses, with the masses having limited ability to reach each other.
But television is just one medium today. The ability to reach the masses remains, but the barriers are gone and that makes propaganda much more difficult. I don’t know what that means for the world, but I think it means something.
Something good.
Taking OMWC’s warning to heart – don’t sound like a public-school teacher pushing Jewish role models, let me give you…St. Edith Stein – whom no public teacher who wants to keep their job would hold forth as an example to their Jewish students…
“In the midst of all her studies, Edith Stein was searching not only for the truth, but for Truth itself and she found both in the Catholic Church, after reading the autobiography of Saint Teresa of Avila. She was baptized on New Year’s Day, 1922.
“After her conversion, Edith spent her days teaching, lecturing, writing and translating, and she soon became known as a celebrated philosopher and author, but her own great longing was for the solitude and contemplation of Carmel, in which she could offer herself to God for her people….
“…the Nazis had invaded neutral Holland, and when the Dutch bishops issued a pastoral letter protesting the deportation of the Jews and the expulsion of Jewish children from the Catholic school system, the Nazis arrested all Catholics of Jewish extraction in Holland. Edith was taken from the Echt Carmel on 2 August 1942, and transported by cattle train to the death camp of Auschwitz, the conditions in the box cars being so inhuman that many died or went insane on the four day trip. She died in the gas chambers at Auschwitz on 9 August 1942.”
Moses wasn’t into long term imprisonment because (((he))) would have had to pay for keeping the prisoners.
Everyone is shitting their pants over the Norks nuclear missile capability. Apparently Kim Un is itching to use one and is threatening a strike on Guam.
I understand why psychopathic dictators crush their own people but this guy is insane enough to think he can treat the rest of the world the same way. He is gonna keep this shit up until he either extorts money from the world (meaning the US) or a lot of people get hurt.
Anyone get any word from Trump on what he plans to do? I got nothing.
If I could offer the N. Korean leadership a deal, it would be:
(1) they retire to a St. Helena-style island prison, but with more tropical amenities
(2) They turn their government over to a Chinese administrator pending a final treaty about the Korean Peninsula’s status
(3) no prosecution so long as they stay on their island and don’t try to make trouble
I don’t buy the Guam or mini nuke threat at all. It’s like – poor – first the new sanctions regime scones in to play last week, then suddenly sources are talking about their new miniature nukes that are ICBM-ready and can conveniently reach the US’s closest important Territory.
If NK has nukes, so what. It’s when the North decides it’s going to initiate and control the reunification process and terms, would be a good time for SK to buy its own arsenal that isnt assembled with used chewing gum and lower tier Chinese duct tape.
*poof
Even if the threat is empty now it wont be forever.
China could put a stop to this in five minutes if they wanted to. Getting leverage over China is the key to fixing this.
Funny you should ask. In a blast from the past, here’s a 1999! interview with Tim Russert where he’s asking Trump about NK.
Only 2 minutes or so, and awfully prescient.
Trump did not look happy when he gave that fire and fury talk today.
I think we shouldn’t do shit to the north Korean government.
A good foreign policy would be to do all we can to extract dissidents from north Korea and bring them to America. We could then broadcast those dissidents voices as loud as possible to north Korean citizen’s ears, ala freedom radio.
Force never works.
ideas do.
Unfortunately if you are caught listening to subversive material and/or are informed on and can’t afford to pay bribes, you are proper fucked for a short stint in reeducation or worse.
True, but a whole lot of East Germans listened anyway.
Also, people watching their friends and family being sent to camps for listening to ideas is a good way to get them to question the legitimacy of a givernment that sends people to camps for listening to ideas.
I have seen interviews with Norks. You cant believe how brainwashed they are and/or in terror of saying the wrong thing. The whole country is a max security prison lorded over by a sadistic psychopath. It is a real horror show.
Then we should make an effort to get more of them out of that prison, give them a taste of freedom and then let them talk to their fellow “zeks”
Alexander Solzhenitsyn did a lot of good with his writings. There is surely a Korean equivalent of him somewhere in that country
I’ve speculated on the effectiveness of dropping cases of food/tools/propaganda, like in the movie “The Empire of the Sun” (“Want a Hershey Bar, kid?”)
I suppose all the cases would be confiscated by the government. It’s what governments do.
The brainwashing has been going on for close to 80 years. It’s not just an open air prison, it’s a personality cult where anyone, your closest family members, can denounce you for the perception of slighting Dear Runt or his foredeities.
Drop anything on on NK, and I doubt any would make to actual people. Opened candy wrapper? Bye bye you and all of your family.
Force worked for WW2. Maybe it isn’t right here but North Korea isn’t the size of a city. That plan would not work.
What did WW2 accomplish? The solidification of Stalin’s power in Russian? The creation of the eastern block and the Warsaw pact? The defeat of Chiang Kai-shek and the rise of Mao Zedong?
The use of total war by the United states resulted in the destruction of the axis powers, but there was no real gain in terms of the betterment of humanity out of it. Sure, Japan capitulated and reformed and the facism regimes of mussolini and Hitler were defeated, but the trade off was extending the reign of stalin and Mao. Both of whom are more murderous than Hitler amd mussolini could have ever dreamed of being.
It stopped the NAZIs from controlling most of Europe and whatever mass murder with slave-state they had in mind.
There’s no evidence Stalin would have stopped being the leader of the USSR, and this whole tactic of claiming all bad thing that happened after WW2 wouldn’t have happened without WW2 is silly. An alternate universe where Europeans lay their weapons down to avoid force (which would just be one-sided force really) and just let the NAZIs take over to avoid war sounds like a universe filled with stupid people.
You are taking your mantra of “force never works” and trying to rewrite history to make it fit that ideological axiom. It would be easier to just throw away the axiom as stupid and simplistic since it’s easy to find counter examples.
Worked pretty well in dubya dubya two!
We should just air drop food, cell phones, and water. Destabilize that govt in three months.
Eh, I wouldn’t say it “never” works. I’d say half-assed military dick swinging usually doesn’t work. But overwhelming force, to the point where the people of the opposition country will abandon their country’s leadership nearly overnight, seems to be effective. Japan was faced with two options: surrender, and change your damn country for the better, or face extinction. Japan opted for the former, and they’re doing quite well today.
I will say that the ideals held by the country bombing you into submission absolutely matter as well. I’m sure it was easier for the people of Japan to submit to western ideals than it would have been if we were a country governed by Shariah.
Trump is going to tip over Guam into the ocean so the North Koreans can’t attack.
Mattis needs to start carrying a certain swagger stick
Mr. Plinkett reviews Ghostbusters (((2016)))
Mr. Plinkett’s Star Wars reviews made me realize a fundamental truth about myself, and possibly people in general.
He made clear that the entire prequel trilogy is garbage. I know this, because he is right. But I still like all three. Why?
I realized that merely wanting to like something might affect how much you might actually like that something. I wanted to like the new Star Wars, so I did. For some reason, it doesn’t matter to me that it sucks.
I tell myself this is the same reason why some people think socialism is tubular, but I don’t know if that’s true.
I haven’t watched anything more than a few minutes of the prequels but did watch Rogue One. Despite the crappy sound levels, the need to reference the original movies constantly through dialog or visuals, and the lack of grandeur of the first three in similar scenes, I found it quite satisfying.
Very nice review, Mr. Plinkett.
The Somerton Man Mystery. I listened to the “Unsolved Murders” podcast about this story today.
Closer to the “page topic”: I was listening to Matthew Colville’s podcast of his D&D game that he runs (Campaign Diary #10, the Revenant Vow meets the Shield of Gravesford)
In this episode, one of the player characters has been elevated to the nobility, and he is repairing the fortress he got as part of the deal. One of the workers is brought to him, and is accused of attempted theft. The PC is being tested to see what sort of leader/noble he would be. The options of jail time, corporal punishment, exile, and execution are discussed, and the player decides on corporal punishment. The DM (Colville) represents the people as being unsatisfied with a simple three days in jail, but satisfied with the kid (did I mention the NPC thief is supposed to be a 15 year old?) getting whipped by a dragonborn soldier. Some of the people really wanted the boy to hang, as a lesson to other would-be thieves.
I thought about what is a fitting punishment for thievery. As I understand it, theft in the Middle Ages could result in a death sentence, depending on what was stolen (Robin Hood was so sentenced for killing one of the king’s deer).
In the Bible/Old Covenant, the thief, if caught, had to pay back some multiple of the value of the object he stole (“Five oxen for a stolen oxen, four sheep for a stolen sheep, double whatever it is if the stolen object is still in his possession). Seems a better judgement than killing the thief.
OT: Cute Chinese-American Ancap woman’s videos. Including a couple gun vids.
for those still up: author of the google memo speaks out in interview
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN1vEfqHGro
That guy wrote what I’ve been thinking for years, e.g. just because there is not a perfect 50/50 gender balance in an organization does not mean that there’s some evil conspiracy to keep women out. Also, I don’t think they’d care if there were more women than men in said organization. Hell, they’d probably celebrate it.
It’s frustrating that if you say that, people automatically hear it as “women should be banned from Google”.
Well, since the Morning Links aren’t here yet:
But consider what we accomplished with education system more beholden to the local than the Federal level, before there was a Department of Education, before there was even a Department of Health, Education, and Welfare. We educated a population that took us from horse and buggies to the sound barrier and beyond. We educated a population that won two world wars, both of which involved significant technological advances. We went from Congreve Rockets to Earth Orbiting Satellites, to Man in Space, to the Moon.
Police hunt mother-of-one ‘who gave oral sex to man in the middle of a McDonald’s restaurant in broad daylight’
I was about to go into a burger king, once, but the girl in the van parked nearby got out and spat a stream of white fluid onto the ground. I left the burger king without making a purchase, which is probably for the best.