I think I’d like a sandwich today.
*Yells into other room*
Oi! Make me a Sandwich!
*Waits*
Dammit, I live alone. I have to do it myself. Welp, I guess I’m going to talk the Glibertariat through a process again. Let’s see, do we have any bread…
Nope.
I guess that’s where we have to start.
Garlic Cheddar Beer Bread
We need some ingredients. What are they?
- 3 Cups Flour
- 2 Teaspoons Salt
- 3 1/2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
- 2-6 Teaspoons minced Garlic
- 12 oz Beer
- 8 oz Sharp Cheddar
- 1 Tablespoon Butter
Before we forget, lets make sure the oven is empty, then set it to 350 degrees. That’s Fahrenheit for anyone from a country that measures based on water rather than humans. If you don’t want to do the math that’s 1.77 times the boiling point of water.
Let’s just toss the flour, salt, baking powder and garlic in the mixing bowl. There’s no special magic this early on in the process. We need to grate the cheese before adding it, or it won’t integrate too well. After that, it should look something like this:
Simple enough, now we mix those together. I have a stand mixer with a dough hook, but that really is overkill. We’re not going to knead the dough, the only reason I like the dough hook for this process is that it’s easier to clean in the end, and it still gets the job done. Now we have – mixed powdery substances in a bowl with some cheesy bits.
Time to add the beer.
Now Glibs have been known to have massive debates on the topic of beer, so I’m not going to bother telling you what you should pick. If you don’t have a preference, grab a basic American Lager, the cooking and the other ingredients will cover the flavor.
With the beer added, we mix until we get a fully integrated dough. It will be a wet dough and will cling to pretty much anything. We need a loaf pan either greased with butter, coated with oil, or spritzed with cooking spray, anything suitable as a release agent that you’re willing to ingest. Get the dough in said loaf pan and relatively evenly distributed. I find hands to be the best implment for doing this, but don’t want to interrupt the cooking to wash the dough remnants off again. So I keep a box of disposable gloves in the kitchen for just this sort of thing.
See:
We still have that tablespoon of butter. Melt it and get it across the top of the dough, either drizzle it, or brush it, or some combination of the two. Usually I melt it in the microwave because it’s fast and I’m lazy. Here, if you have extra cheese from the first grating, you can sprinkle it on the top. This produces an excellent effect when baked. Alas, I did not have sufficient cheese.
Drop the loaf pan into the oven at about the middle of the space and set a timer for forty-five minutes. While we wait, we have to resist wandering off for a little bit. A proper sandwich deserves accompaniment. Lets put together some classic tomato soup.
Simple Tomato Soup
I haven’t got any of the canned stuff, so we’re making this from scratch too. We’ll need ingredients. Where are my handy bullet points?
- 1/2 Stick Butter
- 1 Onion
- 28 Oz Crushed Tomatos
- Oregano
- Basil
- Bay leaf
- 12 Oz (1.5 cups) Stock
There they are.
We need to get rid of the onion skin and chop it into small pieces. Mostly because it would look silly to drop a whole onion in the pot. Cans of crushed tomato come in twenty-eight ounce sizes, so this is one such can. If you want to go through the trouble of processing your own, go right ahead. I’m in a bit of a hurry. Same thing with the stock. I used pre-made chicken stock because I had it.
All right, time to get cooking. Find our trusty dutch oven and make sure it’s been washed since the fish stew incident. Put it on medium heat and melt the half stick of butter. Once that is more or less liquid, add the other ingredients. If you need to know what it might look like, here’s an example:
Stir it up and bring to a simmer. Let it continue to simmer until the bread timer has gone off. That should be give or take forty minutes after it went on. It would be advisable to give it a stir every so often to make sure nothing is sticking to the bottom of the pan. If it does, take the edge off the heat some and give it the occasional stir. Do not cover the pan. We want it to boil off some of the excess liquid. After it’s been cooking for a while, it will start to look a bit like real soup:
Find the bay leaf and toss it. You don’t want to eat that now that it’s done its part. Now, the soup is perfectly edible as-is, but if you want to have consistancy closer to the canned variety, find a blender. Me? I just moved the pan to another burner and put a lid on it. My bread was done.
The Sandwiches (Finally)
Well, the bread fresh from the oven was too hot to slice. And since I didn’t have the extra cheese, looked a little pale. See:
But, once it cooled down, we could get on to the business at hand from an hour ago – making sandwiches. If you hadn’t guessed already from the tomato soup, I’m making grilled ham and cheese. Okay, the grilled cheese was probably obvious, the ham part is pretty common, too.
The best way to distribute butter for grilling sandwiches is about as contentious as the appropriate type of beer to cook with. You do what makes you happy. I’m going to butter the bread so that the second side is guaranteed a dose of butter equal to the first. Then we start our construction. On the unbuttered side, we lay out a slice of American cheese (It’s traditional, any melting cheese will work). Then some cubes of ham. I stopped here to take a picture because the next step would be another layer of cheese, then the second slice of bread.
Find a skillet or frying pan, or griddle, or whatever relatively flat bottomed, low-walled (or no-walled) cooking surface you want to use. Put it on medium heat and wait until you can feel the radiant heat a few inches above the pan. Gently lay the assembled sandwiches in.
Here’s the hard part – we wait.
We need the heat to brown the lower surface and conduct up into the cheese to turn it molten. This will inevitably take longer than I expect, leading to me standing there in irritation as thermodynamics thumbs its nose at me again. But once we do have it, we flip it over and…
Yes it is Browned! I know it doesn’t look it in the picture, that’s because it’s a low-contrast to the color of the bread. Take my word for it, it’s browned, and the cheese melted. We also have to wait for the same thing to happen to the other side. This is usually even more frustrating than the first wait, after all it’s been more than an hour since I yelled for an empty kitchen to make me a sandwich, and it’s still not quite done. But, once it is browned, we cut it on a bias (conservative in my case), array it on a plate and ladle out a bowl of our herb-laden tomato soup.
I need to get me a sandwich-making person.
Comments
249 responses to “UnCivil Cooks – Sandwich from Scratch”
The lunchtime spot, how apropos.
I forgot to bring a sandwich today and your article made me hungry. Check your privilege!
Look, I finished that sandwich a week and a half ago. I don’t have it anymore (good thing too, it would never have kept that long)
Are you denying how I feel? I’m literally shaking and my stomach is grumbling
Since when is 9 AM lunchtime?
It’s Noon real people time.
Pacific Time is real time.
And this is why Trump won
Don’t tell me you’re from flyover country. What, you going to try and claim that Mountain or Central time is real time? Please, everyone knows only the coasts count.
Central time is the only legitimate time zone and the Midwest is the only part of the country that is worthwhile.
Where else could you explore abandoned manufacturing plants and experience eight months of bone chilling winter? The opium epidemic is just the icing on the cake. The coasts are so lame they’re probably smoking crack- like it’s the 80’s or something
Please. You don’t get invites to cocktail parties in the Midwest with the time given in Central.
“Only part of the country that is worthwhile.”
Experience eight months of bone chilling winter?
Pfft. Americans complaining about winter is adorable, like college kids complaining about how its so ‘totes hard’ to do your own dishes.
Alaska says “Hi”.
Canadians are winter woke.
“Canadians are winter woke.”
I can imagine Titor going down to Florida and demanding that people ‘check your meteorological privilege’.
Only a leaf would think Ohio is midwest. What’s it like living in the Arctic circle?
Seems like Americans consider it the Midwest as well.
Alaska says “Hi”.
If Alaskans were the ones regularly complaining about winter we wouldn’t have a problem.
This is what happens when you let the government teach your kids. Ohio becomes midwest and Oklahoma becomes southern. What the actual fuck.
Oklahoma becomes southern. What the actual fuck.
In all fairness, they’re more “southern” than Maryland.
OH HELL I didn’t even catch that. Yeah the whole map needs to be shifted counterclockwise 1 state.
You can define the Midwest based either upon industry and history or geographical location. Ohio would be considered Midwestern, because it was the first expansion of the eastern colonies into the interior of the country. Also, Ohio’s economy was heavily reliant upon manufacturing, like other Midwestern states east of the Mississippi. Midwestern states west of the Mississippi (such as Iowa and Minnesota, for example) were never heavily reliant upon manufacturing in their local economies (Iowa had manufacturing along its eastern border along the Mississippi).
So, to be fair, the Midwest can be defined any number of ways.
I define it culturally, which makes Ohio very much northeast, along with Maryland, and makes Oklahoma the definition of ‘midwest’.
“My arbitrary regional boundaries are so much better than your arbitrary regional boundaries.”
Eastern Standard is God’s time.
So most of the year, CDT is real time.
Eastern Standard time is a disgrace and an abomination before God
That’s a nice 49th parallel you got there JT. Be a shame if something happened to it.
Alternate comeback: So what you’re saying is that you and Quebec are totally the same right?
Depends on the area. There’s some French-as-fuck places on the Ontario side and some English-as-fuck on the Quebec.
Bah! Maryland is the mid-Atlantic, as is VA, PA, NJ, DE, and most of NC. The dirty little secret is that Virginia has more in common culturally-speaking with New Jersey than it does with Georgia.
There! I said it!
So, I think we’re all in agreement.
– Canada still sucks
– Mountain time is just stupid
– Eastern Standard time is an abomination before God
– Pacific time should be ignored
– And the Midwest is a fungible concept, that should only be determined by people who live in the Midwest
And the Midwest is a fungible concept, that should only be determined by people who live in the Midwest
Ah, the ‘only Muslims get to decide what Islam is’ school of intellectual cowardice.
Ohio was midwest when Jesse James was robbing banks in Minnesota.
Ohio is mideast.
FIFY.
I went to college with many Alaskans in Chicago (mostly from Fairbanks and Anchorage). They were always the first to complain about the cold when the weather changed.
Where else could you explore abandoned manufacturing plants and experience eight months of bone chilling winter?
Rochester, NY?
– And the Midwest is a fungible concept, that should only be determined by people who live in the Midwest
Same for upstate New York (of which I in the Catskills am not a part).
New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania fought over who’d get the Catskills – New York Lost.
+-8 (-7 in the summer)
That does look like some good bread. Freshly baked bread is the best.
It’s even easy to make. I like that I don’t have to putz around with babying yeast.
I’ve been using a really simple beer bread recipe I got from an older issue of BeerAdvocate. Three ingredients:
3 cups self rising flour
3 tbsp granulated sugar
12 oz beer (the magazine recommended a Belgian beer, but I’ve had really good luck with a nut brown)
Mix everything together, and then bake in a preheated 375 degree oven for about an hour in a greased loaf pan.
I’d recommend not using a pilsner or an IPA in this, as the hops give the bread a grassy flavor.
Not enough cheese.
For cheese based breads, I prefer going with either a pepperoni bread with provolone and mozzarella or a basic focaccia bread with garlic and parmesan. the pepperoni bread you need to raise, punch down, roll out, layer out fillings, roll back up, and then let proof. Interestingly enough in that bread it works better to use cubed cheese instead of shredded, so you don’t need to worry about air pockets in the cheese areas. The focaccia bread just needs a quick rise, punch down, and roll out.
For cheese breads, I prefer that thing that some people insist on calling pizza, although it bears as much resemblance to actual pizza as the Starship Troopers movie resembles the Starship Troopers book.
Yum.
I’m really going to have to do a garden again because soup made from homegrown tomatoes is heaven.
Seconded. I make sala, soup, amd spaghetti sauce out of my tomatoes every year. I canned about 20 quarts of salsa this july. I have already eaten about half of it.
LOL I read the headline as UnCivil Cocks a Sandwich from scratch
No chicken in this.
-1 cockmeat sandwich
Didn’t know beer bread was that easy, not much of a baker because I’m lazy. Going to try this though. Last time I made my own bread it was bland…like it was missing something. Texture and look was perfect just seemed to be missing salt or something.
Yeah, bread needs salt or else it tastes like death and sadness.
Learn from my mistake, if you’re going to make this particular bread, have some additional cheese to put on the top before baking.
Here’s what it looks like that way (in mini-loaf format).
Kudos to you for standing up to all the haters and making some food from scratch. Making something with your own two hands is a valuable grounding experience.
Now, with the niceties out of the way – Did you just attempt to prove you don’t like bland food by making soup with no salt in it?
The Salt is added at the table.
In that case, good show. Grilled cheese and tomato is a classic combo for a reason.
I assumed there was salt in the stock.
Unless you buy a specific brand, crushed tomatoes have a lot of salt, as do most types of stock.
(I have severe heart defects, so I have to be fanatical about salt)
I’m disappointed you didn’t include instructions on what wheat to grind into flour, how you brewed the beer yourself and how you made the butter with the milk from your cow. I’m just assuming any fool can butcher a pig and cure ham of course.
I had to break it down into reasonable parcels.
You didn’t spend 6 months and $1500 dollars to make a sandwich? Is this really from scratch?
https://consumerist.com/2015/09/16/guy-spends-6-months-1500-to-make-a-sandwich-entirely-from-scratch/
The process reaches a point of diminishing returns.
Plus the Glibertarian remuneration scheme for articles is a bit… less than $1500.
Careful you don’t divide by zero doing that math.
To create an apple pie from scratch, first you must create the universe.
(Anyone miss the days when ‘science advocates’ just mostly complained about nuclear war and pot legalization under fake names once and awhile rather than spending the majority of their time screaming about climate change and gender dysphoria?
Nah just ask Eve for one.
Carl Sagan > Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Is what I think you are implying
Bill Nye more like, Tyson is actually worse because he thinks his internet fame allows him to talk about any topic on the goddamn planet with some kind of authority, i.e. ‘Rationalia’ and other horseshit.
His Rationalia idea reminded me of the episode of the Simpsons where the local mensa chapter takes control of the town.
Rationalia was Retardalia.
And he’s very articulate and obviously smart so…he can talk about literally anything according to people who stare at their superiors in awe.
So far as I know Neil Dumbass Tyson hasn’t called for The Deniers to be locked up.
Dammit John, using time traveler powers to post an hour before me isn’t fair.
To be fair, he doesn’t do that all that often.
Grilled cheese sandwich on a bread that already has cheese in it (and could have had more). When you submit your recipe to Taste of Home Magazine, it can be called the Cheese Lover’s Delight!
I’ve made tuna melts with that same bread (with the proper cheddar topping) using asiago slices. Those also turned out pretty good.
I call it ‘Cholesterol cosmopolitan’!
You can make buns out of same recipe and use for hot dogs. Name it “cheese dicks”. You. Are. Welcome.
Hey Just Say’n, look what I made in the strategy game Hearts of Iron 4.
*Sniff* It’s so beautiful, as English God intended.
Unified Hispanola? UNREALISTIC!
The Dominican Republic declared war on Haiti and conquered them. This is the Kaiserreich mod anyway, where the Germans won World War 1.
… But why? The Dominicans spend a lot of effort trying to keep Haitians out of their country.
If Haiti was flipping communist or national populist (Kaiserreich’s quasi-fascism) they could have been worried about the Haitians pulling in other major powers to attack them after they joined a faction.
Blasphemy
That game actually looks pretty sweet. I got to check it out.
In my defense, it was mostly accidental. Mostly.
I was trying to save you guys from the commies, and this is the thanks I get.
Canadians saving Americans from commies? Sounds fanciful
Kaiserreich mod, alternate history where the Germans won World War 1. In response the Berlin stock market becomes the major trading center of the world, leading to a gradual decline in the American economy and a way worse Great Depression in the 1930s and a disillusionment with the system. As a result the 1936 election is between radical parties under Huey Long and socialist Jack Reed. Douglas MacArthur declares martial law rather than let either of them win and the Second American Civil War starts. The commies were winning the civil war so I…’liberated’ their territory.
Thank you for your service
I’m on a serious conference call about Puerto Rico and you just made me laugh out loud.
Don’t thank me, thank Edward VIII, your King.
Eh…Puerto Rico was already trying to negotiate terms to avoid bankruptcy before the hurricane. So, to paraphrase your conference call: “Puerto Rico is screwed”
More like “Puerto Rico needs a bailout.”
A far more realistic scenario from video games.
The one where vacuum tubes are used in everything and radiation runs on 50s scifi rules?
Canada has advantages in the mod because after losing the Great War Britain went communist, causing millions of anti-communist Brits, including the monarchy and most of the Royal Navy, to move to Canada.
Considering the alternate timeline United States was annexed you to stop the red Chinese, this response send appropriate:
Hey, I’m run by a 97% Market Liberal majority, Fallout’s America is run by a quasi-fascist cabal of assholes.
…with Power Armor.
“
Fallout’sAmerica is run by a quasi-fascist cabal of assholes.”FTFY
And they don’t even have power armour, so what’s the point?
I just noticed – none of us gave a rat’s ass that you took Mexico.
They were also going commie. I was North America’s commie-stomping service.
I’ve been repeatedly told by the NYT that Communism is totes awesome; why’d you ruin our Utopia bro?
You actually get little newspaper articles whenever events like major cities get conquered by various groups in-game. When the commies were taking over American cities like D.C. and New York there were posts about how they were executing people in the streets and causing general terror.
Alternate history newspapers are more honest than the NYT.
New Game: Who Said That? The Daily Worker or the New York Times
“Why Women Had Better Sex Under Socialism”
“For All Its Flaws, the Communist Revolution Taught Chinese Women to Dream Big”
“Lenin’s Eco Warriors”
“How To Pull Down a Statue”
I know the first one was NYT so I’m assuming all of them are NYT.
All NYT articles published in the last two months
Let’s ask the German women on the way to Berlin how good the sex was.
See, you can’t mention that Titor, otherwise you are a Nazi apologist. You aren’t allowed to discuss the rapes committed by the Soviets in Berlin. You can’t talk about the rapes that occurred in Italy when the British sent the poorly trained Moroccan forces in to lessen English casualties (even though the British would drop leaflets before the Moroccans entered an area warning the inhabitants to hide their daughters and wives). You can’t talk about the firebombing of Dresden that served no military purpose. You can’t talk about the Junckers being forcibly removed from northern Poland after the war.
These things cannot be discussed. The Reds were good.
I’m sure the Mexican people didn’t mind either
Where else is he gonna get his ass sex and weed?
Boeing to Department of Commerce – Make me a Sammich!
Commerce delivers foot long sub, Justin Trudeau haz a sad.
Bombardier gets more money from the Canadian Taxpayer than they do from their customers.
Not sure about Boeing’s ratio.
They’re both bloated and full of cheese, kind of like your bread.
*EDIT FAIRY SAY “Fixed it for you…are you grateful?”*
Edit fairy? Fucking autocorrect
Help the bombardier!
We can help them by cutting off the taxpayer money funnel.
Yep. Corporate welfare is the worst kind; but which is worse, the welfare or tariffs? Either way the consumer and taxpayer are being screwed.
“Make me a Sammich!”
Name shame this man!
– ENB (totes loves free speech, kind of, but not really)
There was an editorial in the paper this week talking about how utterly clueless Canadian politicians are in response to America’s current trade views. The Premier of the province (Kathleen Wynne) threatened ‘consequences’ to America if they pursued a ‘buy American’ strategy. The editorial in the paper pointed out “what exactly are the ‘consequences’ that you’re going to threaten? Encourage people to ‘buy Canadian’ even though you have no power over trade policy?”
I’m glad someone is pointing this out. Otherwise it would all just be pointless gesturing….
Kathleen Wynne would be left to her hike by STEVE SMITH.
Hey we should expect a barrage of sternly worded letters any day now
Great recipes. I have a garden every year, and I’ve been getting into cooking things like this from scratch. Happily, it’s rubbed off on my 12 year old. If she has a taste for something, she just finds a recipe on Google and goes for it. She’s made from-scratch biscuits, pancakes, and brownies, and they all turned out great. She will love the beer bread.
Benghazi survivor to Clinton: get fucked, you lying sow.
Oh snap.
Some skeletons can still talk. Don’t worry, the Clinton outreach team will make sure he has a tragic woodchipper accident next week.
Nah, they kill you with media blackouts if you are a veteran.
“But why did he go in feet-first?”
I don’t know…that dude’s not a private school grad staffer. Just sayin’, he might have a more than passing acquaintance with avoiding being killed and possibly securing his future safety in a very permanent, dare I say mortal way.
If you were really making that sandwich from scratch, you would have included butchering instructions for how you got the ham.
I opened the package and cut it.
Ham steaks were on sale.
Carl Sagan paraphrase:
To make a sandwich from scratch, you first have to create the universe.
Is there an echo in here?
We do need more diversity of opinion…
I agree…..DAMN IT…I mean I disagree
Shut up Tulpa!
From scratch you say?
You didn’t even harvest forget grow your own wheat. You’re never gonna make it as a hipster cutting corners like that
Neither will you, being third to the trend.
What can I say, had to deal with an orphan uprising and I find it works better when you punish the ringleaders personally than when you farm the job out to your Brutals
Get a live-in sandwich maker erhm… wife already!
Another Clinton Success?
Paul Horner, writer of fake news about 2016 election, found dead
38 year old guy who embarrassed Clinton dies in his sleep. Nothing to see here people, move along.
I like how they made sure to mention that everything this conveniently dead guy said is a lie within the first sentence of the article.
It’s totally okay to drag a dead guy through the mud as long as he gave aid and comfort to the enemy. See: Colmes, Alan.
I sure hope that Donald Trump isn’t killing any journalists or anything.
I can imagine his tweet if he was:
“Some journalists have gone missing and they are blaming my concentration camps for this. SAD. #MAGA”
And then, of course, Hannity’s inevitable defense:
“Are you really sorry that Maggie Haberman is dead? Who cares? The concentration camps are employing thousands of people from Ohio and this president has kept his promise to bring the war to the media. RINO’s should just shut-up about this already”
I didn’t even realize that Hannity has become a Trumpet. I don’t watch Foxnews, so that’s probably why.
Well with O Reilly gone they needed someone to carry the torch.
Amazingly, Hannity is way worse than O’Reilly (granted I don’t watch these shows except for the few times that I’m flipping through the channels). And Lou Dobbs is right behind Hannity.
At least Dobbs, though, has been pimping economic nationalism since the Bush administration, so you can say he’s principled. But, Mr. Conservative Hannity will justify anything that the president does
A constant reminder that Hannity is so massively insecure that he constantly mentions the fact that he does karate.
Sean Hannity is such a tool. I use to listen to the beginning of his radio show, because it would start after a local radio show while I was driving and it was the most ridiculous intro ever. Conservatives should be ashamed to have a man like that on their ‘team’
I think Peter Suderman has already penned the article on that. He is just waiting to see who it will be so he can fill in the name before he publishes but I wont be shocked if he gets tired of waiting and publishes anyway.
Suderman already has the “Single Payer is Libertarian” article all ready to go, too. Reason has become a parody unto itself
Short answer: Don’t fly
Southwest Airlines apologizes after a woman was forcibly dragged off its plane by police
I was outraged by that video. I expected to see a pint-sized woman flung over the shoulder of an Amazonian officer, with the captive woman feebly kicking her legs and uselessly pounding her fists on the tall woman’s back.
I’m trying to feel bad for someone trying to get two animals removed from the plane due to a “life-threatening pet allergy” without medical certs that gets removed instead.
I read the story on this one, not quite the same as the United deal. Here, the passenger said she had a life threatening pet allergy, had no documentation and was on a plane with at least two animals.
This version includes the commentary from the other passengers and more detail about what happened.
You’d think that detail would be part of the headline.
What exactly did she expect at that point? They were all just going to stop and say ‘Well that changes EVERYTHING! Why didn’t you say so sooner?!’
There are cops out there that would view that as a legitimate escalation of force.
I’ve heard that before for restricted CU keys. We couldn’t even get the blank if we tried (medeco gives CU their own keyway)
“but im a professor!” “ok, and?” *angerrrrrrrrr*
Also heard Lawyer, as though that would change what i could do.
“She turns and says, “I’m a professor. ”
Oh well, it’s ok, then, you can be a CUNT in public anytime you want.
“
I’m a professor.Don’t you plebes know that I’m better than you!?”Back when I cooked for a living, the “gluten allergy” was just starting, but it was in it’s South Beach Diet phase. We’d get people who would claim to be allergic to garlic. Now, granted, it’s possible to be allergic to garlic, but people who are allergic to garlic are usually allergic to garlic touching their skin. Like they get hives. In our case, this was in an Italian bistro-style place with people who were drinking marinara by the gallon claiming that garlic atop a pizza would send them to their graves. Really, this translated to, “Hey, I really don’t like powdered garlic, so please don’t put any on my pizza.” Same with the “glutens”. It was basically their way of saying, “I really, really don’t want a bun.”
If you’re really that allergic to a thing, be it pets or peanuts, you’d know because they’re everywhere. You’d live in a bubble. Really, she either has a reaction to dander that is easily treatable with an OTC antihistamine, or she just doesn’t like being around animals in confined spaces. Both of which are fine, just don’t lie about shit.
The ‘gluten free’ shit is probably the biggest successful lie in the history of modern marketing.
I’ve seen it cropping up in a lot of facepalming places.
“Why yes, this salt is gluten-free”
Beef jerky. I found it on a package of beef jerky.
Soy sauce.
the bottle of Tito’s vodka I have had a giant all caps “GLUTEN FREE” tag around its neck.
It reminds me of the Y2K scare. I was working retail at the time, and I remember when the Epson printers started having Y2K compliant printed on the packaging. I gave the Epson rep shit for that the next time he came into our store.
When I downloaded a Perl compiler many years back, one of the questions in the FAQ was, “Is Perl Y2K-compliant”. The answer was something along the lines of “Is your pencil Y2K-compliant? Sure, but you can use it to write programs that aren’t Y2K-compliant.”
“Gluten-free vodka” is the one that annoys me.
I feel for pet allergy person. I have a bad allergy to some cats, and OTC antihistamines barely touch it. Bad enough I have to fly Greyhound-of-the-skies (though, that really applies to Spirit, not Southwest), now I have to do it with some douchebag who doesn’t want to check Fluffy in the baggage hold. Thus ensuring I get to sneeze and swell up the rest of the two hour flight. Awesome.
This would be one of the reasons why I drive most destinations.
The issue was that she tried to claim she has a deadly allergy and when she found out that they were removing her instead of the two other people she tried getting kicked off then she backpedaled like a circus unicyclist.
And pregnant, and going to see her father while he had surgery and a professor…
In fairness, going to a more restrictive diet can alleviate digestive symptoms. My wife did gluten free for a while as it gave her relief while I just nodded and accommodated her. Finally went to a doc and after testing, finds it was a ulcer/ulcer condition causing the underlying problem.
I have two grand-daughters with celiac disease. Shitting your guts out every day and losing weight is not all in your head.
I’m not saying celiac doesn’t exist, I’m saying it is one of the rarest diagnosed diseases and there is no freaking way that even a tenth of the people claiming they have it actually have it.
It’s not that rare, a quarter of my extended family is celiac. Genetics suck.
Everybody today needs some sort of struggle to overcome. If you don’t really have one, no problem. You can just make up a “gluten allergy” or something and go with that.
The book Cooking for Geeks has a whole section about this. First it explains the difference between a dislike, a sensitivity, and an allergy. It explains that if you are one of the assholes who lies about an allergy, you’re making everything worse for those with an actual allergy. There’s also some quotes from chefs calling bullshit on some of the allergies, like onions.
It explains that if you are one of the assholes who lies about an allergy, you’re making everything worse for those with an actual allergy.
I’ve never understood this logic and it amazes me when people go on a self-righteous rant about how they truly have a gluten allergy and everyone else are fakers. Do they not have the slightest concept of supply and demand? The large number of people demanding gluten-free foods, for whatever reason, is what enables people with a real allergy to gluten to be able to order a gluten-free pizza or off the increasingly large number of items on a separate gluten-free menu that most restaurants have started carrying.
The gluten-free craze is the best thing that could have happened to people with an allergy to gluten.
Boy who cried wolf scenario. If you don’t want to eat gluten, fine. But claiming that you’re allergic when you’re not, and subsequently not having anything resembling an allergic reaction when you do eat gluten or whatever you falsely claim you are allergic to, can skew the perspectives of other people on the seriousness of food allergies.
Possibly, but I find it hypocritical to complain about it while enjoying a meal in a restaurant only made possible by all those other people requesting such options. I know a few people who have a Celiac’s disease diagnosis and they couldn’t be happier about all of the choices that are now available.
If I had an allergy with life or death implications, I sure as hell wouldn’t rely on strangers for my survival.
Yes, until the time someone with celiac orders a “gluten-free” item from a restaurant that is just pandering. If you notice, a lot of the menus also state that their gluten-free items are produced in the same areas as everything else. If there’s actually an allergy, then you need a clean work surface, and clean utensils to prep it.
This wasn’t specific about the gluten thing, just food allergies in general. Similar to the person eating marinara claiming a garlic allergy.
So you’re saying Celiacs is the Ultra-Orthodox white people of diseases?
*a nod to one of the earlier links
I’m allergic to cats. It’s pretty bad. It is NOT life threatening.
If she ACTUALLY had a life threatening pet allergy, removing the animals wouldn’t make a difference. They’ve already been on the plane, and they’ve already shed.
The lady is a fucking liar.
That too. Doubt they’re vacuuming and steam cleaning the plane in between passenger loads.
I’d leave the plane, in her position, but I’d damn well want something extra for my trouble. A modest flight voucher’d work. Assuming I didn’t know that people flying with pets is a common occurrence in this day and age.
The two were an “emotional support animal” and a pet.
As RC notes below, it’s really a distinction w/o a difference. Though, given the airline horror stories of cooking pets in cargo holds during the summer, I can see why pet owners go through the rigamarole of emotional support/service animal certification, just to ensure they can get their pet through the flight process.
‘Hate the game, not the players,’ yadda…
At the time, there was an emotional support animal and a pet on board the flight.
That’s actually two pets. There is no such category as “emotional support animal”. There are service animals (dogs or miniature horses), and pets. The “emotional support animal” thing is a total fabrication that many believe triggers mandatory access for the pet as if they were a service animal.
That’s under ADA. The Air Carrier Access Act is more lenient than ADA no emotional support animal is a valid service animal under DOT’s interpretation.
https://www.transportation.gov/sites/dot.gov/files/docs/P3.SA_.HUD%20Matrix.6-28-6.pdf
Should be “and” not “no” before emotional support animal.
“Short answer: Don’t fly”
Not if you’re a cunt with allergies anyway.
So how long does it take to ride a boat across the pond these days?
6-9 days
http://www.cunard.com/cruise-search/book-a-cruise/cruises/qm/2430-m737-nyc1-sou1/
Why is SW apologizing? If there was any wrongdoing, it is on the woman for no documentation and resisting legit efforts to remover her or on the police for unnecessarily escalating a situation. Doubly so for United.
If there is a man shouting and causing a ruckus in my business and I call the cops and they beat the shit out of the guy, that’s not on me. It’s on the guy or the cops.
Agreed. In a just world, the apology would be along the lines of “We’re sorry this bitch caused trouble for everybody else.”
why would they apologize?
corporations apologize even if they did nothing wrong. Constant contrition is part of modern PR
“we’re sorry a customer shot a robber at one of our 7/11 locations”
Basically, she eliminated every single alternative except “kick her off the plane”
I am reminded of the lobster-vagina-artist. She claimed to be a “professor” as well.
I’m not so sure about that. People with fake service animals annoy the fuck out of me. They’re on the same very bottom rung of the morality and ethics ladder as lawyers that travel the country sniffing out potential ADA lawsuits.
BTW, I am by no means trying to defend the woman with the phony baloney “potentially fatal pet allergy” either. It sounds like everyone involved here is a total shitbag.
The justice system has just made us all a little safer
“Lady, you are sick as fuck. And now, for a totally appropriate and proportionate response, I’m going to lock you in a cage with people who beat, rape, and kill other people.”
Probably would.
How can you tell? They don’t show the dog at all.
I have a suspicion the dog isnt the one who complained.
Me to my badass little male dog – “Goddammit. You pissed on the coffee table again? Why the hell do you keep doing that? You are ruining all of the furniture.”
Him to me – *rolls eyes and shrugs* “Well, I cant eat it…or fuck it…so, you know…”
You never know… maybe she wanted to cuddle afterwards.
I thought Obamacare was going to fix this?
New STD cases hit record high in US, CDC says
Me hardest hit.
Best part:
Funding cutbacks? Pull the other one asshole.
Yeah, throw money at it; that’ll stop people from indiscriminately barebacking.
I’m pretty sure they can cut all funding to the CDC and we’d still be aware of the existence of STDs.
The best BEST part? Blaming ‘this administration’ for 2016s numbers. Trump’s policies can fucking time travel now.
He said he was running and that disrupted the universal vibrations of love, harmony, and multiculturalism. Duh!
They lost all funding to teach the most important message: “Don’t stick it in crazy.”
The spike in STDs?
If I could, I’d blame it on Medicaid, the income tax, Liz Warren, and NFL players kneeling during the national anthem.
At least they’re not blaming it on global warming or the Second Amendment. They would if they could!
“At least they’re not blaming it on global warming or the Second Amendment.”
Yet.
1. The warmer temperatures are making it more uncomfortable to wear condoms.
2. Guns are a twisted expression of psychosexual aggression and make people more likely to have risky sex.
I’ll take that job at Salon now thank you very much.
1a. Colder temperatures in some areas are making people huddle for warmth. And you know what they say, when there’s spooning, there’s forking.
2a. Guns are a symbol of toxic masculinity and a very real tool used to force women to conform to male-dominated sexual activity, including rape on college campuses.
Warmer temperatures result in people wearing less clothing, which gets people more hot and bothered.
They did blame it on Trump though. Not even joking.
Remember, you can’t spell STD without TDS.
Maybe the CDC should redirect some money from teenage date rape issues, smoking prevention, obesity, sugary drinks, biking safety, and the other NON-CONTAGIOUS DISEASES so they can focus on their actual mandate.
I think they teach in Bureaucracy 101 that one must answer reflexively “FUNDING WAS CUT” in regards to any inquiry.
It’s so weird how we spend increasingly large amounts of money, and yet funding has *always* been cut.
I have an MPA. I’ll have you know, the first thing they teach you in Bureaucracy 101 is there is no system identified that is more agile, and more efficient for large organizations, than the Max Weberian style bureaucracy.
That presumes that Weberian bureaucracy actually exists.
Yeah, its like that other 19th century concept they can never get right.
To create sex pants: Take one black plastic garbage bag. Cut three holes, two for your legs and one for your pecker. After applying condom, put on sex pants. Apply second condom on top of first one, thus creating a seal. Enjoy!
I see. Didn’t the chocolate jesus remove several STD’s from the list of diseases that render immigrants ineligible to enter the country a couple of years back?
And didn’t he also have some immigrants purposely exposed to some STD’s to see what would happen? Thought I read that Guatemalan immigrants were specifically targeted.
I read this thread from the bottom up. I had no idea where it could possibly have started.
I’d feel worse for you if you weren’t the majority cause.
Not a big fan of home-made bread but that bread looks fine. Putting on todo list for this weekend, thanks for posting!
You’re welcome. Do try to have enough cheese for the intended topping, it’s even better that way. (But is darned addictive right out of the oven regardless…)
Whew! Dodged a bullet, guys!
Shannon Watts decides against running to replace Jared Polis in the 2nd Congressional District
I always thought she had that cute, but crazy church lady thing going for her, which might fly in some parts of the front range.
She’s definitely a bunny boiler. Look at the eyes.
I wonder how often she demands action, ifyaknowwhadImean?
I will never forget a state house hearing on a gun rights bill (let “good” convicted felons have them back) where every D member of the committee tried to bend over backwards to accommodate the yoga pants wearing, volunteer lobbyist affiliated with that group. She was too dumb to notice, not smart enough to suggest a fig leaf and instead offered this gem, “the are no self-defense weapons, only self-offense weapons.” The bill had the ACLU, the NRA, and several criminal defense bar associations all in favor. It later died to procedural nonsense in the state senate.
I thought that stupid woman lived in Indiana. Maybe she moved.
It’s people like her that have ruined that state. I love it, but it’s been flooded with refugees trying to implement their failed state policies.
Doesn’t help that the CO Republican Party is even less capable of finding its ass with both hands than the national party.
Sandwich and soup. Best combo EVAH!
Steak and steak
Kegs and Eggs
“Legs and Eggs” was the name of the brunch at The Yellow Rose.
The Men’s Club in Houston as well. Which, weirdly, is supposed to be one of the better breakfast spreads in Houston.
Breakfast spread you say?
Knew I made a boo-boo as soon as I hit Reply.
I would think some naked chick in coconut oil, dripping glitter all over everything, would put me off my breakfast, but tastes vary.
Grilled ham and cheese is good but throw some sautéed mushrooms on as well as you’ve got a sandwich to die for. Thank you nameless Pakistani/Indian line cooks at Al Jaber.
False advertising. You didn’t make the cheese from scratch.
(Fine, I’ll make it anyway! It looks delicious! Thank you, you liar!)
Firearms enthusiasts, try making one of these the night before you go pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.