“It was really terrible to go through, but I have to admit that I feel better after detox,” the hat admitted. He was sunning himself on the floor in the Oval Office, a bottle of Perrier beside him. He never went anywhere without fancy fizzy water.
“I’m really glad to hear it,” the hair said from his perch on a napping Donald’s head. “I thought we might lose you there for a little while.”
“Yup, you was powerful sick there, brother,” the USA hat said from Donald’s crotch, hanging there on an erection driven by erectile dysfunction meds and a filthy dream about Barbara Bach.
“OH MY GOD, SHUT UP YOU RETARD!” the hat screamed.
FLOTUS hat giggled from the back of the couch and Windbreaker One laughed hollowly from the coat rack.
“It’s getting crowded in here,” the hair said. “I liked it better when it was just you and me.”
“It hasn’t been just you and me in a long time,” the hat snapped. “It didn’t get to go to Puerto Rico, I didn’t get to go to Las Vegas. America is starting to forget all about me.”
“Nonsense. You’re the hat they love. You’re the hat that triggers college students all across the country.”
The two other hats and the jacket all made noises of agreement.
“I just don’t know…” the hat whined.
“Besides,” the hair said, “You hate Puerto Rico. I tried to get Donald to Agent Orange the whole island back in March.”
“But I really hated missing throwing paper towels to the downtrodden and destitute,” the hat whined. “It was Donald’s ‘Let them eat cake’ moment and I missed out.”
“Yours is the name that will go down in herstory, dear,” the FLOTUS hat cooed.
The USA hat giggled.
“You have something to add, Cletus the Slackjawed Headgear?” the hat asked.
“Naw, I was still thinking about whitlin’. And what Donald would do with this here i-rection ifin we had a comely lass of anal virtue true.”
“We could just order a girl,” Windbreaker One said in his deep, rich tones. “I haven’t been draped over an unconscious whore in what seems like months.”
FLOTUS hat gasped. “My Donald would never do such a thing!”
The hair and two other hats and jackets all laughed uproariously.
Donald stirred in his sleep, sat up and reached for the USA hat as it slid onto the floor. “What’s going on? Are the nig… football players still not standing up? Mike said he’d put those dirty nightfighters straight!”
The three hats, jacket, and hair said nothing.
“Answer me, dammit. I heard you all talking about me.” His voice, still bleary from sleep, rang out in the Oval Office.
“ANSWER ME!”
In the silence that followed he began to mash the Diet Coke button repeatedly. He was still pushing it when a frightened intern pushed open a door into the office with her foot and ran in carrying a dozen Diet Cokes.
“Sir,” she said, “I brought all the ones we had cold.”
Donald pushed the button a few more times, slowly, deliberately, staring at the intern as she squirmed under the baleful glare of his piggish eyes.
“Set those on the desk,” he said. “And get me some cocaine, a pound of bologna, the Presidential Pimp, my haberdasher, a cordless phone, an overhead projector, three mannequin heads and the Nuclear Football.”
“Sir?” the pale girl asked.
“Now! And make it four mannequin heads, goddammit!”
Comments
204 responses to “The Hat and The Hair: Episode 61”
Was the intern wearing a blue dress, by any chance?
also, first
I think Donald only Weinsteins.
aka jacks off into potted plants.
plants need love too, I guess
Do you want Audrey’s, cause that’s how we get audrey’s
Audrey II’s
/pedant
I mean I really meant it more as a plural of sentient carnivorous plants
/counter-pedant
Audrey was the flower shop girl. The carnivorous plant was named Audrey 2 in her honor.
/counter-counter-pedant
Well looks like we got ourselves a smart guy.
In either case, the apostrophe is incorrect.
/pedant-squared
In either case, the apostrophe is incorrect.
/pedant-squared
*Savagely pummels proof reading orphan*
proof-reading orphan
proof-reading orphan
He’s dead now. Are you happy?
Spare the rod . . . . .
I thought I was the Grammar Nazi around here!
When you read The Hat and the Hair know you that The Hat and the Hair is reading you
Whoa…
Finally, something I can make sense of in these stupid, stupid times.
Definitely made more sense than Trump’s interview with Forbes. I have a policy I just shat out this morning – it’s fantastic.
Of course he’s going to throw it the intern’s ass then eat it off her body.
Or feed it to the hats?
Let the hats eat it off her ass.
That sounds Donald-esque.
“What’s going on? Are the nig… football players still not standing up? Mike said he’d put those dirty nightfighters straight!”
What is a ‘nightfighter’?
An old derogatory term for black people. I keep my racism retro.
I’ve not heard that one, but I also didn’t know potato nigger was actually a thing. (still giggling about that, I should be mad or something *takes swig of whiskey to wash down hash browns*)
There’s a ton of “*insert thing here* nigger” insults for various European groups. Dutch people are apparently ‘swamp niggers’. I’m very disappointed that Norwegians aren’t known as ‘fjord niggers’.
They can be, John. They can be.
Because most of us aren’t from areas with fjords.
Filthy wegee bastard.
Sure I use it amongst my friends to rob the word of its hurtful power.
/lilt
Old timey racist terms sound so tame
“He says the sheriff is near?”
“Can’t you see this man is a ni-?”
“More beans Mr. Taggart?”
“I’d say you boys have had enough.”
You got that right, mackerel snapper.
Moon cricket is still my all time favorite. Say it with a deep Scottish accent for maximum giggles.
So I went to my LGS this morning and they have a silencerco maxim 9 in the case…$1500. I didn’t realize they had them distributed already.
Me at that gun store.
That was almost me. I already used “come on baby, it’s my birthday!” for the year.
Yard ape for me.
I’ve always heard yard ape as slang for kids. Hmm, the more you know.
It can be both. I have heard it used to describe prisoners too.
Rug rats become yard apes.
Soccer Monkeys
A variant of “porch monkey” I assume?
Has a Scottish fellow who worked for … a certain security company, call the Filipino guards he had around the facility we were at, “tree frogs”. When a rocket would come slamming in, he said all their chatter sounded like a bunch of tree frogs.
In a Scottish accent, it was sort of amusing.
Are you sure it wasn’t “wee wogs”?
He emphasized the “t”.
Besides, he was about 5’01” himself.
So he was a legit dwarf. I’m pretty sure I would have been fired after asking him to say ‘and my axe’ for the 50th time.
I’m partial to Darkies.
“Spear chucker” is underused, but I’ve always had a soft spot for “jigaboo”, which was my maternal grandmother’s favorite. Shortened to “jigs” if need be.
Spearchucker Jones
You old too, kinnath?
I thought we were all old, and that’s why we make fun of millenials.
Yes. I thought that was well established. Three score and counting.
In the original MASH, the black surgeon’s name was Spearchucker Jones.
It was a simpler (and funnier) time.
He was recruited as a ringer for the football squad.
Hawkeye – We tell Henry to ask for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
Duke – Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?
Hawkeye – Better known as Spearchucker Jones.
“Branch Manager” was a fave growing up with redneck-types.
As brought up the other day, as a young one with relatives in SW Minnesoda, ‘prairie spook’ was referring to Indians.
I was just about to complain that your stories aren’t racist enough.
Thank you for giving your audience what it wants.
By visiting this site we have automatically disqualified ourselves for political office. I for one, regret nothing.
But it’s Family Friendly!
Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.
*Widens gaze*
Too soon?
*Hint*
Never too soon…yeah yeah I know.
’tis a quote from Dr. Strangelove.
http://quotegeek.com/quotes-from-movies/dr-strangelove/2109/
I’ve not seen it. *wanders into traffic*
You should, young bacon.
It’s a classic. Add it to your watch list.
Young! lol I’m so happy now.
Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here.
I’ve not seen it.
We’ve got a Kubrick gap!
It’s overrated.
It’s the movie in which Peter Sellers started the slide into obnoxiously unfunny.
…and Ted S. wanders in the room, farts, and strolls out.
Ted probably doesn’t like Son of the Pink Panther either
Which itself was a “too soon” joke. The word “Vegas” was dubbed over the word “Dallas”.
I watch that movie at once a year or so, it’s absolutely sublime, hilarious and terrifying.
Rick, have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water?
I first felt the sensation after the act of physical love.
I do not… avoid women, Rick. But I do deny them my essence.
Gentlemen, there is no fighting in the War Room!
Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!
But he’ll see everything! He’ll see the Big Board!
Too soon?
Cool trivia fact. If you watch Slim Pickens’ lips, he actually says “Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Dalllas with all that stuff.” They actually changed it to Vegas because of the Kennedy Assassination. It was too soon.
Windbreaker One
Wasn’t sure if that was a light jacket, or the Secret Service codename for Donald…
Trump Has Ruined the Presidential Windbreaker
*hovers over link*
We shan’t be clicking that, shall we?
Thanks Swiss I almost clicked. *tips glass to Swiss*
Ah come on, if you can handle me, derptologist and HM then you can handle a little Slate fashion criticism.
Why the fuck do you people even have a Presidential windbreaker? The desire to slap that logo onto anything is stupid.
I mean, say what you will about the PM, he doesn’t have arbitrary vapid fashion stateme…*remembers Zoolander’s sock collection*
Goddammit.
Sock collection?!
If you ever needed more evidence that Trudeau is Canada’s dumber Obama, look no further than the media sycophants gushing over his fucking dumb socks.
The 2019 election can’t come sooner.
Oh FFS…
*facepalm*
Michelle Obama socks?
Tube socks.
Did they have maple leaf logos? “Make Eh Great Again?”
Nope, gay pride flag with Islamic scripture.
Which I’m sure isn’t some kind of terrorist recruitment device or anything.
El oh el
Your action in that location was seen
So the socks were thrown off the roof of the Iranian Embassy?
It looks like one of our neighbors is petit jaloux.
Least European monarchs look classy in their ridiculous uniforms.
Tell me King Felipe VI of Spain
Is not a cross of
and
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Pretty strong chin for a Hapsburg.
“The Most Obvious Man In The World”
Not Habsburg, House of Bourbon.
If I owned that getup I would wear it to Friday happy hour every damn time.
lo – fucken – l.
Poorer-people do dress especially gaudy. Most American bazillionaires are too lazy to even put on a shirt with a collar.
That ‘tard is eatin’ toast, Mister Gilmore.
/USA Hat
You are two steps away from the horror that is a Presidential tracksuit. Once the real Russian puppet gets elected he’s going to wear it for the State of the Union address.
HERE IS NEXT PRESIDENT!
I imagine the Gopnik Administration to be like the Boss President from Saints Row 4, but with more cyka blyat and people passed on the floor.
Once the real Russian puppet gets elected he’s going to wear it for the State of the Union address.
Track suit with black socks and 1980s looking blue running shoes
*Hint*
Kids these days. No sense of history or culture. If it’s more an five minutes old, it might as well be the work of the ancient Etruscans.
Hey SF, at the next KY glibs meet you can read some of work and frighten the normies.
Impromptu poetry slam.
How did it go? Did you guys get kicked out of West Sixth? Has it stopped smelling like bleach in there?
Well I think I scared are the hipster parents away with my swearing and smoking and mad science, Jefe tried to run an adhoc brothel, there may have been flames and possibly bodily fluids involved.
Overall great success, though west sixth may not reoup the losses from the insurance company.
the next KY glibs meet
State, or lubricant?
Yes
…Ivanka FLOTUS or Melania FLOTUS?
It was Ivana, the ex-wife, who was complaining.
Ivanka as the real First Lady is too close to the truth.
I meant Ivana, but yes. Of the three.
*shudder*
“Naw, I was still thinking about whitlin’. And what Donald would do with this here i-rection ifin we had a comely lass of anal virtue true.”
This is not iambic pentameter.
But tis poetry.
Tis anally true.
*Misreads iambic as lambic, gets excited for beer, realizes mistake, becomes depressed*
Lambic pentameter is SFs preference for writing
I could use a comely lass of anal virtue true right about now.
I’ve not seen it.
I’ve been to one World’s Fair, a picnic and a rodeo, and that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a pair of earphones.
Edit faerie this.
It’s the dead, soulless eyes that do it for me.
Question: When you’ve been drinking all night and it’s time to go home, what do you listen to on your headphone?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-mi0r0LpXo
Midnight Rider, because I hope the police don’t catch me.
*flips FM an Eisenhower Silver Dollar*
Damn son, this is worth like 20 bucks nowadays!
https://youtu.be/JqowmHgxVJQ
That song was written about grooming “Punks” for Hoboes so not as innocent as you might imagine. Think Pinnochio but darker and with more box-car anal violation.
What do you think he does when he’s been drinking all night and it’s time to go home?
“Renegade” by Styx
Newfie music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJJp01asKgg
im just kidding i’d never listen to that.
this is more like me
I can’t listen to that without visualizing a guy in flip-flops carrying a cordless drill.
PC LOAD LETTER????
This.
Not what I listen, but approximately how I walk.
Do you know what it’s like for your dad to do the Nitty Gritty at your 12th birthday party in front of all of your friends?
Because I do.
That’s awesome.
All I got was a dinner at Chi Chi’s and a bad case of the shits.
NOT AWESOME. It took me a week to recover. He did it just to embarrass me.
It’s funny, because I find myself doing the same stuff to my kids now.
Actually, I take that back. I also got to see Quest For Fire in the movie theater. Which was AWESOME!
Depends, Happy drunk The Hyperbole or Melancholy drunk The Hyperbole?
Actually it doesn’t matter that much, it gonna be a Tom Waits song either way just a matter of which.
…that’s pretty tame for some of the stuff that gets sold on AmiAmi.
Yeah, it’s classy.
At the expiration of Trump’s second term, can we expect a bound anthology of all Hat and Hair episodes?
Speaking of Trump’s second term (somewhat OT):
https://newrepublic.com/article/144964/culture-stupid-identity-politics-problem-democrats-solution
That’s some hella projection right there. But good, good for them doubling down and missing the point of Trumps election, the electoral college and the reason the blue states keep getting bluer.
It also underlines a basic truth about party politics. It’s all about winning with these assholes. There are no principles that matter other than the ones that get you votes.
I’m starting to think the ones that get contributions are more important. Republicans and Democrats seems to be ignoring a whole lot of voters these days in order to protect their revenue streams.
With a special “what might have been” retrospective of “Hillary and Huma” episodes as a bonus.
NO! NONONONONO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I want to be able to sleep at nights!
“We could just order a girl,” Windbreaker One said in his deep, rich tones. “I haven’t been draped over an unconscious whore in what seems like months.”
Poetry, man. Poetry.
James Earl Jones as the voice of windbreaker one.
Someone get me in touch with miramax pronto.
It’s too bad Putin’s shirtless all the time, or we could have a great villain clothes voiced by Keith David.
It’s the perfect villain hat.
When you’ve been drinking all night and it’s time to go home, what do you listen to on your headphone?
This might be appropriate. (Thorogood version)
oops
better?
Hank Williams or GTFO.
I would like to see this FLOTUS hat trajectory uh, fleshed out.
Laughed out loud several times, SF. Thanks!
The Lumineers are crap.
John C. Wright seems to be slipping into crazy-person diatribes about how everything wrong with the world is because of ‘MUH SECULARISM’.
A homeless person followed me for a block in NYC once and delivered the same basic monologue.
I’m pretty sure I could replace every ‘secularism’ with ‘patriarchy’, every ‘Mohammdanism’ with ‘Christianity’ and every value judgement like ‘but rejects the monotheism which alone makes human dignity and freedom logically permissible’ with things like ‘enables white supremacy and the mistreatment of women’ and I’d be the best writer on Everyday Feminism.
That’s a pretty low bar to hurdle.
He’s pretty convinced progs and Muslims are exactly alike.
He’s pretty convinced everyone who isn’t a Catholic is a crazy person or a fascist.
Eddie writes science fiction?
I’m not sure if that’s an insult to Wright or high praise for Eddie.
A little from Column A and a little from Column B.
Fascist Banjos on tour, coming to a city near you!
I didn’t need to know that much about Sloopy’s home life.
arbeit macht twang
Blood, Soil, and Foggy Mountain Breakdown
Lebenstrum?
Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Five String
“At least he made the bluegrass concerts run on time…”
Three scary words: Millennial folk festival.
Fighting for social justice.
There’s two great band names in there,
Fascist Banjos
and
Millenarian Heresy
Millenarian Heresy sounds like some gimmick band that plays Warhammer 40k themed songs.
It sounds like a Paul Mitchell haircare product
The pain in spain is about get extreme (fuck you its a hard rhyme)
Official: Spain won’t accept Catalan declaration
Seems like they won’t have to.
http://www.itv.com/news/2017-10-10/catalan-president-carles-puigdemont-suspends-independence-to-allow-talks-with-spanish-government/
I don’t see Catalan having enough leverage to pull this off. It’s kind of like the time the Florida Keys seceded and became the conch republic. Great on paper, not enough guns.
Cletus the Slackjawed Headgear
Genius.
Where are the afternoon links?
The correct term, sir, is:
(begins banging forks on table)