Author: Old Man With Candy

I’m bracing myself for an all-day cooking and football orgy, capped off with a dinner that is threatening to complete the destruction of my liver. We love the holidays! No turkey here, but we shall not lack for ways of increasing avoirdupois. As I write this, it’s a few hours before dawn and the drinking has commenced. And the linking.

First, here’s a shock: if you make a technology better and cheaper, people buy more of it. So there MUST be a downside, even if we have to make it up. We cannot tolerate the wishes of the proletariat, Comrade.

This is the End Of The Internet, accompanied by furious pants-wetting. Why, this could take us back to the anarchic days of 2014, when the dead bytes were stacked like cord-wood at the side of every road. If we can’t regulate innovation, why, people might have more options, and we cannot tolerate that, either, Comrade.

Cook County’s repeal of the transparently money-grabbing soda tax has the inevitable consequence of having to reduce their municipal leeches labor force by a minuscule fraction. This is a MAJOR TRAGEDY- these people may be forced to get actual jobs. Hardest hit is the the board president’s office, which loses 15 workers. Get back to me when you think of a reason that they even needed 15 people, much less a large enough staff that 15 people being laid off can be done without real consequence.

Another shock- in a whining plea to get more funds, the most useless agency in the entire federal government is about to make the most miserable travel days of the year even more miserable. We really need more wood-chippers.

Finally, for Old Guy music, the obligatory Canadian Content. And I hope that you all play the role of the Conservative Uncle Who Must Be Devastated In Political Arguments in a way that makes us all laugh our asses off.

SP and I will be heading out shortly for our weekend in Green Bay. She went a bit nuts buying team-branded clothing and accessories, mostly for the wrong team. The weather is predicted to be below freezing, we have researched all the ways to smuggle alcohol past the NFL’s onerous TSA-level “security,” not that we’d ever do anything illegal like that, nossir, and she has mapped out exactly where supplementary beverages, brats, and cheese curds can be purchased. Uber is the Official Ride Sharing App of the Green Bay Packers, and saves us the hassles of parking. We have a 55 gallon drum of lube loaded into the car (purchased at Amazon, using jesse.in.mb’s affiliate link). Drinks are arranged with one of the local Glibertariat (CPRM), and we’ll have some birthday cake in honor of straffinrun-san.

While in the football vein, this story is a fascinating look at what might be a true root-cause of the Browns’ dysfunction,

Most unintentionally funny headline I’ve read this week. Really? REALLY?

I love what technology can do. Though I’m a vocal critic of most of NASA’s “work,” and feel that the majority of it has no business being funded by the Federal government, there are legitimate functions related to defense which are constitutionally justifiable, and this is one of them.

The guy who transformed DHS from an idea to a leviathan is recovering from a heart attack. Normally, I do not wish someone ill, but this is one of the exceptions. Now if only the same thing can happen to James Clapper, Jeff Sessions, Robert Patterson, Diane Feinstein…

I do have sympathy for the neighbors here…

And Obligatory Old Guy music, this time from my favorite ’90s band. Oh, and remember when Dennis Miller was still funny?

I’ll admit that after reading Swiss’s story yesterday, anything I could say would be weak tea indeed. It did make me glad that I did everything I could to stay out of Vietnam, which seemed like the Forever War then, but pales compared to the Bush/Obama adventures (which, to be fair, can now be called Bush/Obama/Trump). Following that, Links seem… superfluous. But potentially entertaining, somewhat. And I guess that’s all we’ve got left, since we’re all complicit in the brainless death machine that we call the US Government.

Imprecision in language pisses me off- when it becomes deliberate in an attempt to mislead, it pisses me off even more. CNN is a reliable culprit. “Meddling in an election” is not the same as “meddling in a campaign.” Zero evidence of the former, the latter is almost assuredly true, and our government does it routinely. But hey, CNN has taken a mission upon itself.

Never read internet comments. Never read internet comments. Never read internet comments.

I don’t know about you, but I’d want someone with thinner fingers. Ouch.

This is the worst goddamn way to be killed in action.

I’m shocked SHOCKED that Prince Charles is a loathsome bigot, not just a dummy with zero knowledge of history and demography.

And against popular demand, more Old Guy Music. This is one of my favorite songs, and man, having Leo Kottke covering it is delightful. Almost makes me smile.

Sorry, sometimes I really get into those characters. Fritz Freleng and Joe Dougherty were inadvertent geniuses. What puzzled me was that Porky always had a jacket on, but no pants. Was Porky really the proto-Louis CK? Did he jerk it for Tweety Bird, promising her Hollywood fame if she went along? Anyway, what’s in the news today?

OK, if this is really a Weapon of Mass Destruction, then in my Boy Scout days, I was guilty of this crime a few hundred times.

Team Red has a lose-lose situation on their hands and they don’t quite know what to do about it. My suggestion: lose. Chaos and gridlock is the best thing a libertarian can realistically hope for.

I’m shocked, SHOCKED that a self-righteous asshole might have sexual skeletons in his abandoned closet. Schadenfreude alert! I can only hope and pray that Bill Nye is next.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present you the modern MTA.

Start your Preet Bharara jokes now. Hmmm, I also wonder if Preet’s next in line for a sex scandal… nah, that would mean owning an actual penis.

And in this week’s installment of Old Guy music, something even a bit older than I am, archaic, entertaining, complex. And casually amazing talent and skill. I want that suit.

Those are the headlines, now the rumors behind the news.

Rand Paul gets his clock cleaned, assailant gets bailed out. What we learned: Paul mows his own lawn. This makes him a better human being than about 99 other senators.

Manafort offers a small fortune to be allowed to escape overseas, where he likely has a large fortune stashed. Not that I’m cynical… OK, I am, but as my unicorn SP likes to say, “Just because you’re cynical doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”

One of the Pirates of the Caribbean seems to have yo-ho-hoed more than just a bottle of rum.

I’m second to no-one in my contempt for Trump, but I have similar contempt for his predecessors. Bad enough that Obama won’t do the decent thing and go away, but jesus fucking christ, the ass-grabbing Cop-A-Feel Bush needs to join him. And his clueless son as well.

Thicc alert!!!!!

More Old Guy music, in this case, a wonderful cover of my favorite Magnetic Fields tune, played by one of the most interesting musicians I’ve ever met.

It’s a beautiful crisp fall day out, so instead of getting exercise and fresh air, you should try to maintain your pallor and paunch by staying in and commenting on these gems of news stories.

First up, a claque of civil servants, rent seekers, and true believers issued a “scientific” report confirming that Global Warming is HUGE and totally the fault of humans. Of course, they expected to have it suppressed, and seemed somewhat disappointed that this didn’t happen. It’s tough to prepare for martyrhood and then the vest-bomb turns out to be a dud. Now, how can we know that the report is bullshit?

“This new report simply confirms what we already knew. Human-caused climate change isn’t just a theory, it’s reality,” said Michael E. Mann, a professor of atmospheric science at Pennsylvania State University. “Whether we’re talking about unprecedented heat waves, increasingly destructive hurricanes, epic drought and inundation of our coastal cities, the impacts of climate change are no longer subtle. They are upon us. That’s the consensus of our best scientists, as laid bare by this latest report.”

There you go. Michael Mann confirms it. And also demonstrates that he doesn’t know the difference between a hypothesis and a theory. Someone gave him a Ph.D.? I actually read this trainwreck, and it boils (pun!) down to a combination of selective data picking and argumentum ad ignorantiam. Just what we expect from our government.

In sports news, when Draymond Green isn’t busy kicking other players in the nuts, he’s showing off his remarkable ignorance, feigning indignation that the owners of teams are called… owners. Here’s a delightful takedown by Mark Cuban, who every now and then actually says something coherent.

“Draymond can trash-talk on the court, but when he comes into our world, it doesn’t fly. … I guess it’s because he went to Michigan State and didn’t take any business classes, but you own equity. When you own a team, you own equity, shares of stock. That’s called ownership. Tell him if he wants to take classes at Indiana’s business school, I’ll even pay for his classes and we’ll help him learn that stuff.”

Ouch, that’s gonna leave a mark.

Speaking of which, the owner of Papa John’s continues to maintain that the drop in sales is due to NFL player protests, and that he may pull his sponsorship. The idea that his product sucks doesn’t enter into his calculus. But hey, if this means less of that annoying doofus Peyton Manning on TV (he rivals Hillary in his refusal to go away), I’m all for it.

With the House GOP tax “reform” proposal out, the lobbying begins. I have to declare a conflict-of-interest: this proposal will nearly double my federal tax burden. Given who’s lobbying, that part is likely to stay and the parts with actual campaign money behind the opposition will go. Ah, politics. Well, I understand that cardboard boxes make great shelter, so I’m already shopping for one.

And the obligatory Old Guys Music. This was punk long before punk, and truly one of the best American bands that birthed modern rock. They’re not unknown, but should be known much better than they are. Roky was a god.

For some reason, our village has decreed that trick or treating will not be on Halloween, but will be done tonight. Which is great- I love the idea of having a delivery service. So I may be scarce for a while, feasting on variety that only happens once a year. OK, so what’s happening in the world?

Can you imagine being trapped in a jury room with this gasbag? That’s cruel and unusual punishment right there.

Obviously, there’s no new news since Mueller announced he’s made his first ham sandwich, but why let that get in the way of empty speculation?

Not to get in the way of the fine ranting Swiss has been doing this week, but this strikes me as too cute by half. “We can depose you again, so sure, go for it, run again.”

A couple dozen attention-seeking losers make a big noise. A few hundred attention-seeking losers show up to make even a bigger noise. The news media has a field day, pumping up the importance of these non-important losers. Our national IQ drops ten points.

Iceland really does have better politicians than we do. I’ll be in my bunk.

And for today’s installment of Old People Music, the one-time pairing of the fabulous-but-forgotten vocalist Al Hibbler and the never-forgotten Count Basie, who practically invented the less-is-more style of jazz.

After a week on the road, I’m home and once again ready to dish up the news. And it was in a few ways a fun week, mainly because the hotel I stayed at had NFL Network, so I was able to enjoy watching the Other Ravens take the field and demonstrate the culinary art of preparing Puree du Dauphin. And to see the Astros cook Molé de Doyers  (I’m not a fan of the Astros, but I’m always happy to see the Dodgers flail). Anyway, busy news day, so with no further delay…

Muller takes his first scalp. Let’s have a pool, betting on which ham sandwich this will be; proceeds will go to the Almanian! Memorial Beer Fund. I have $1 on Manafort.

Cuba is, shockingly, a hotbed of racism. I think what Gurriel was trying to say was, “Be careful in the parking lot afterward, Darvish inherits his driving skills from his mother’s side of the family.”

This is from the Department of Shit That’s Wack. It’s not a handicap, it’s… something something culture, and anyone who works on technological fixes to restore hearing is clearly the same as Hitler, with Alexander Graham Bell being its Goering.

…the Deaf community is increasingly endangered by… a scientific community racing toward a cure for deafness without considering the ethical ramifications. There seems little concern about, for example, what inherent value a language or culture can have, or what it might mean to knowingly pursue its extinction.

Anyone who spends time in Wisconsin nods their head knowingly at this story.

And finally, the obligatory Old People Music. As far as I know, this is the only existing video record of the guy who was on a plane with Louie, Dizzy, and Miles. Died far too young and it still kills me that I never got to see him play.

Man, the games yesterday were really, really, really bad. I have a purple and black paper bag to put over my head when SP and I go to Lambeau to see the Rodgers-free packers take on the Ravens and Joe Flaccid. The other games were no better- just piss poor play. If I’m ever made King, I will take five actions:

1. Get rid of all domes and artificial turf.
2. Have all Superbowls schedled for outdoor stadiums in snow zones.
3. Fuck parity: no salary caps and reduce the number of teams by 50%. Eliminate any team playing in warm winter climates.
4. Get rid of the pussy rules that make hard hitting old fashioned football illegal.
5. Not allow any TV coverage that talks about anthems, social justice, or anything other than football. And lose that horrible chick announcer with the air-raid siren voice, the one who makes my wife scream at the TV, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU STUPID TWAT!”

But like Charlie Brown every year, I know Lucy isn’t going to pull the ball away, so I’m going to watch Monday Night Football tonight. Enough ranting, let’s see what’s in the news.

Apropos to my post this past weekend about Dr. Strangelove, it’s time to buy stock in the company that makes CRM-114s. Abandon all hope, ye who foolishly thought that Trump would be less war-bonered than Obama or Clinton.

Do you feel the same contempt that I do about Chris Christie? Do you feel like you couldn’t lose any more respect for him as a human being, that your regard for him is at rock-bottom? Well, here’s a diamond-tipped drill to prove you wrong.

So let me get this straight- Progs make numerous death threats to the EPA boss, then complain when he increases security. Ohhhhh-kay.

A Jewish pedophile? This cannot be.

They named a dog Strudel, then were shocked that he got fat. Humans, hmpf.

And of course, obligatory Old Guy Music. The finest feminist anthem ever written. And seriously, listen to it all the way through. Trust the Old Man.