Author: ZARDOZ

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. HAVING DISPATCHED THE BRUTAL ADVICE GIVERS “DEAR PRUDENCE” AND “DEAR ABBY”, ZARDOZ MUST DISPATCH ANOTHER INFERIOR ADVICE GIVING BRUTAL…”DEAR DEIDRE”

 

 

Q:  MY dad hit my boyfriend when I introduced them. This guy treats me like a princess. I have never felt so loved but my parents disapprove of the age difference. He is 44, I am 20. We met in my local and became friends. Then we fell in love and arranged a night for my parents to meet him. That’s where it went wrong. We walked into the pub and my dad went mad. He hit my boyfriend, called him a pervert and dragged me outside by the hair. My mum had already walked out. They told me either I end it or they’d disown me. I stayed at my boyfriend’s that night and went back the next day to find my things outside in bin bags. My dad came out and started throwing stones at us.

A: DISOBEDIENT BRUTAL! YOUR FATHER IS CORRECT TO REACT SO. YOUR “BOYFRIEND” NO DOUBT EXPERIENCES PENIC ERECTION WITH YOU. THIS IS WRONG. THE PENIS IS EVIL! THE PENIS SHOOTS SEEDS AND MAKES NEW LIFE TO POISON THE EARTH WITH A PLAGUE OF MEN. ZARDOZ IS PLEASED YOUR PARENTS WILL NO LONGER GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH YOU. DUMP THE BOYFRIEND AND PREPARE TO SERVE THE VORTEX AS A GRAIN SLAVE, ALL THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

Q: WHEN I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man, he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and cut my arms. My girlfriend is 24 and I’m 23. She was always hitting on other guys and thought it was funny, especially when I’d confront her and threaten to leave. She’d plead with me to stay with her. I got off work early one Friday last month and caught her in bed with another guy. I shouted at her and chased him downstairs. He must have thought I was going to hit him because he slashed me with a carving knife. I had to go to hospital and needed stitches. She insisted they hadn’t done anything but they were both in their underwear. We’ve since split up but she wants me back. I don’t know whether I still love her.

A: YOU ACTED SOMEWHAT CORRECTLY. BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ZARDOZ’S HIGH STANDARDS. ATTACKING THE CHEATING MALE BRUTAL WAS CORRECT, BUT YOU DID NOT GO FORTH AND KILL. YOU MUST HEED THE BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR ZED’S WORDS… “I love to see them running. I love the moments of their deaths – when I am one with Zardoz.”

NOW, THE CHEATING MALE BRUTAL AT LEAST FOUGHT WITH A WEAPON. BUT HE DID NOT KILL. THEREFOR, YOU AND THE CHEATING MALE BRUTAL MUST FIGHT TO THE DEATH. THE WINNER WILL BE ALLOWED TO JOIN THE CHOSEN ONES, AS A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR! ALSO, THE FEMALE BRUTAL IS A MISERABLE CREATURE – DO NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION, OR ENGAGE IN PENIC ERECTION ACTIVITIES WITH HER. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

Q: I’VE been having great sex with my housemate. I want a relationship but she keeps going cold on me. I moved into a house with my best mate when we both found jobs in the city near us and we advertised for two others to share. We are both 23 and we had in mind two other men but two girls applied. They could afford it and seemed all right, so they moved in. One of the girls was really hot and I fancied her straight away. She is 22 and single. We all work as baristas. One Friday evening I was alone at home when the girl I fancy came in. She had been out for a drink with workmates but wasn’t drunk. We chatted for a while and there was a real spark. We ended up sitting on the settee together cuddled up. I kissed her and she kissed me back. We then seemed to agree what was going to happen next without even saying anything and went to my room. The sex was fantastic but she was distant with me the next day. She told me that the sex meant nothing and then refused to say any more. We have had sex at least six times since. Sometimes she is ­distant afterwards and sometimes really sweet. She has said some truly hurtful things to me but also some truly nice things. We had a heart-to-heart one night after a hurtful incident and we both ended up crying. I told her the things she said were so painful because I love her. She said she didn’t feel the same and the sex had to stop. This lasted two weeks but the huge sexual tension brewed up and we had sex again. Then the next day she behaved like I had the plague. Her mate advised me to take a step back, because you do not know what you have got until it is gone. He said that would help her to realise a few things. I still sometimes think I am just being an idiot.

A: SOMETIMES AN IDIOT? ZARDOZ WOULD SAY YOU ARE ALL THE TIME A FOOL! YOU CANNOT RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE MERELY A BRUTAL WITH BENEFITS? OF COURSE THE FEMALE BRUTAL DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH YOU – SHE USES YOUR PENIC ERECTION AND CAN GO MEDITATE WITH OTHERS. YOUR CRYING SHOWS YOU ARE UNFIT FOR SERVICE AS A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR, AND YOUR “JOB” AS A BARISTA SHOWS YOU ARE MOST LIKELY UNFIT FOR GRAIN SLAVERY. STAND BY, BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED.

OH, AND 4 BARISTAS – TWO MALE BRUTALS, AND TWO FEMALE BRUTALS, IN A HOUSE. WHAT IS THIS, A BRITISH BRUTAL REMAKE OF FRIENDS? YOU SHALL ALL BE CLEANSED. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ SEES THAT DESPITE PREVIOUSLY CORRECTING THE BRUTAL KNOWN AS “DEAR ABBY” – SHE PERSISTS IN GIVING BAD ADVICE TO THE CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ, YOUR GOD, WILL CORRECT THAT WITH THE GIFT OF ADVICE. ADVICE IS GOOD! THE PENIS, HOWEVER, REMAINS EVIL.

Q:  My husband and I argue more than I’d like. I am pretty easygoing and passive; he likes his feelings to be known. Over time I have become worn down, and my patience has worn thin.

We are starting to rebound from what I call “the year from hell.” His drinking and poor choices nearly put us on the street, and I was ready to walk. Things are starting to get better, but what we can’t seem to agree on is communication during the day.

Abby, I am on the phone for a living. I cannot stand being on it more than I must be. He calls and/or texts me up to 12 times a day. I can’t stand it. Even when I’m busy or give him a time certain when I will call him back, he beeps in before I have the chance.

I am now at the end of my rope. With all that I have dealt with, worked through and put up with, this is something I will not compromise on.

I feel it’s more than sufficient to talk on my way in to work, maybe check in around lunch, then on the way home. He feels that because I don’t feel the need to call or talk that much that I don’t love him. I can’t stand listening to the dead air or breathing because there is nothing to talk about.

Am I being petty for letting this be the thing that will break us? — TALKS TOO MUCH IN TEXAS

 

A: FOOLISH BRUTAL! IF THIS “HUSBAND” INSISTS ON TOO MUCH COMMUNICATION, INFORM HIM YOU WILL NOT GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH HIM. AS FOR HIS OTHER ACTIVITIES – HE SHOULD BE TRIED, AND JUDGED, BY THE ETERNALS OF THE VORTEX. FOR HIS TRANSGRESSIONS, HE WILL BE PREMATURELY AGED INTO DOTAGE. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

Q: My sister-in-law is extremely allergic to cats. We have six cats, but live 1,000 miles away from her.

When her 8-year-old son comes to visit, he has a Ziploc bag full of clean clothes that he puts on before he goes home. The clothes he wore here are sealed up at the end of his trip to be washed.

I’m OK with this. But I need some advice for an upcoming big family holiday gathering. We have all been courteously asked to wash our clothes before coming, to vacuum our vehicles and to limit our contact with cats before arriving.

Am I wrong to feel like it’s her problem, not ours? — WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT

 

A: THE PROBLEM IS THAT OF THE WEAK BRUTAL SISTER IN LAW. ZARDOZ HAS RAISED YOU UP FROM BRUTALITY, TO KILL THE BRUTALS WHO MULTIPLY AND ARE LEGION. IF A LITTLE KITTEH ALLERGY WILL RID THE WORLD OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS, THEN ROLL IN CAT FUR BEFORE YOU VISIT! DO NOT TAKE IT OUT ON POOR LITTLE MR. WHISKERS! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

…

(ITS OK, KITTY, THE BAD BRUTALS WON’T HURT YOU! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.)

 

Q: Is it cheating to proofread your college-aged child’s final before he/she turns it in? — WONDERING IN ORANGE, CALIF.

 

A: ZARODZ IS STIRRED TO WRATH! HOW WILL YOUR MISERABLE OFFSPRING BECOME A BRUTAL EXTERMINATOR, IF HE HAS A HELICOPTER BRUTAL HOVERING OVER HIM. HE SHOULD BE GIVEN THE GIFT OF THE GUN, AND LEFT TO HIS OWN DEVICES. YOU, HOWEVER, SHALL BE CAST OUT OF THE CHOSEN ONES… AND CLEANSED. REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE, BRUTAL EXTERMINATORS ARE BEING DISPATCHED! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. IN THE PAST, ZARDOZ HAS SHOWN HIS ADVICE TO BE SUPERIOR TO THAT OF THE BRUTAL, “DEAR PRUDENCE”. YET SHE HAS NOT RESIGNED HER ADVICE COLUMN AND GONE TO BE A GRAIN SLAVE FOR THE VORTEX, AS SHE SHOULD HAVE. INSTEAD, SHE CONTINUES TO GIVE ADVICE TO BRUTALS.

 

 

A. BRUTAL, YOU HAVE COMMITTED GRAVE ERROR! WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT A FOOLISH COSTUME, WHEN YOU SAW NEW LIFE BEING CREATED, TO POISON THE EARTH WITH A PLAGUE OF MEN, AS IT ONCE WAS. YOU SAW THE PENIS SHOOTING SEEDS, AND DID NOT USE THE GIFT OF THE GUN TO SHOOT DEATH.

BUT IF YOU WISH TO CONCEAL YOUR FAILURE (AND THE YOUNG BRUTAL WEARING THE COSTUME) SIMPLY REFUSE TO GO TO SECOND LEVEL MEDITATION WITH THEM, EVEN IF YOU IMBIBE TOO MUCH. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

 

A. дурак! WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT LANGUAGE SHE SPEAKS. AS LONG AS SHE CAN GROW GRAIN FOR THE ETERNALS LIVING IN THE VORTEX, IT MATTERS NOT WHAT BRUTAL SPEECH SHE KNOWS. BESIDES, IN THESE DAYS OF RUSSIAN PARANOIA, IT IS NOT WISE TO BE MISTAKEN FOR A RUSSIAN AGENT. BRUTALS MAY THINK SHE IS TRYING TO STEAL MORE BRUTAL ELECTIONS! ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

 

A. YOUR APOLOGY IS WRONG, BRUTAL. YOU SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING FOR FAILING TO CLEANSE YOURSELF, AS YOU ARE PART OF THE FILTH OF BRUTALS. RETURN TO YOUR “DOCTORS” AND GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH THEM TO RECEIVE NEW INSTRUCTIONS – YOU WILL WORK IN THE GRAIN FIELDS TO SERVE THE VORTEX. ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.