Glibertarians.com 2017 Archive

Category: Florida

  • Wednesday Afternoon ULTRALINKS

    It appears that Brett is actually working for a living…I know, right? (jesse: my Brett joke was…less kind) So, while I idle away on the fondue plantation, I have managed to scrape a few links together….at the same time, Jesse wanted to help. So with two sets of links done, we did the only proper thing…combine them for ULTRALINKS!

    Links….COMBINE!
    • So…this sounds about par for the course.
    • Mr. Arkwright say make Nigerian students no worry!
    • A cop…guilty?! Look what it takes to actually get a cop in trouble. [Alternate title: SugarFree scripts a cop drama episode?]
    • A reminder, that while there are still checks in the book…we are broke.
    • Get this man a presidency: Justin Amash wrangles broad bipartisan support for rolling back Jeff Sessions’ rolling back of an Obama-era curtailment of asset forfeiture. *takes deep breath*
    • Speaking of presidencies: Sanders will introduce universal health care, backed by 15 Democrats. There’s your field for the next election cycle. Now for three years of attrition and attempts to out lefticate each other with proposals that will turn us into Venezuela if enacted.
    • “Nun with a chainsaw“, a phrase sure to instill terror in hearts of Catholic school graduates, is the surprise feel-good story of the day.
    • Katie Quackenbush, you haven’t heard of her yet, but her music career is gonna be huuuuuuge…at least after she finishes serving time for assault with a deadly weapon.
    • This one even has Old Man With Candy scratching his head. “No be di uncle get di pickin.”

    Bonus Link: Drunk European says “who needs you anyways?!”

    Them’s the links. Now go take on the day.

     

  • Florida Man Episodes III

    Florida Man returned to consciousness to that special headache and muscle pain that he knew from experience as the after-effects of electrocution. Judging by the pain in his back, someone had either jammed a taser or live wire into the base of his spine. He tried to move his right hand to explore the spot, but it wasn’t moving. Oh shit! He was paralyzed! Never to shoot a block of tannerite from way to close again. Wait, wait.

    Maybe… maybe he wasn’t paralyzed. Maybe this was the OTHER kind of hospital he was in. Yep, given a moment to get his bearings, the arms weren’t moving because he wearing a straight-jacket. Thank The Mouse! Florida Man knew exactly what kind of scams go on in nursing homes to paralyzed patients. No way was he going to be a living sex doll for some oxycodone dependent semi-literate nursing home attendant to pimp out. Straight jacket, taser wounds, Florida Man could deal with that. It smelled like Lake County Hospital. Yes. Okay. It was starting to come back.

    His minions had roughed up Papa Voudoun, who was also a Medicare fraudster. Florida Man could see now that just because a Santeria priest made a living by Medicare fraud didn’t mean that he didn’t have some powerful voodoo. Those two minions came back as flesh-eating zombies. Or maybe they’d just gotten into a bad bag of bath salts, but the timing was awfully suspicious. At any rate, he’d been forced to flee his lair and made the mistake of speaking openly about his fears of having his intestines eaten by his former minions.  Officers were called, tasers were deployed, Florida Men were arrested.

    “Hey!” He called.

    “Hey! I’m not crazy anymore and I want to call my lawyer!”

    A skinny little ferret of a redneck in a corrections uniform came to get him.

    “You get ate up by any o’ them zombies?” The CO asked.  “Heh, heh.”

    Florida Man dialed up his lawyer. Actually, the CO dialed his lawyer and set the phone in the crook of Florida Man’s shoulder, the straight-jacket still being in place.

    “Listen, Pam, its Florida Man. I’m in the Lake County jail and I need out.”

     

    “What?! What do you mean, cash-flow problems?!”

    From out of the phone speaker the tale emerged.

    “It seems, uh, FM, as if the woman you put in charge of skimming Gainesville may have taken some liberties with your money. It does appear that she might have used some of the money for, uh, cosmetic surgery.”

    Florida Man swore. “I’ll fucking rearrange her ass for her.”

    “Well, she paid a doctor a lot of money to have that done.”

    “What? Fuck. Fuck! Get me out of here.”

    “Okay, okay. Its going to take a little while. You know I don’t front money to clients. I’ll have to get in touch with some of the others and maybe pawn a few things. What about the airboat?”

    “No. No! Do not pawn or sell the airboat.”

    “Yeah, okay. You’re breaking up, I’ll get someone down there, probably by tomorrow.”

    Florida Man let the phone drop to the floor. He kicked it across the room and started beating his head against the wall and chanting, “I’ll kill her. I’ll kill her.”

    Suddenly there was a sharp pinch and the warm, relaxing feeling of a lorazepam and haloperidol cocktail washed over his body. Florida Man was in jail for a while, and he didn’t care.

  • Wood Wednesday

    Manchineel tree just chillin’ there all innocent

    Beloved commenter and Glibertarian co-overlord, Brett L., recently shared a fascinating Atlas Obscura link with the rest of the secret Glibertarian cabal that controls your thoughts and feelings and bends the Glibertarian firmament to its slightest whim. Because Florida is America’s Australia, it has the deadliest tree, the  tree whose Spanish names translate to “tree of death” and “death apple tree” The author gives us an appropriately dramatic intro to the tree:

    You might be tempted to eat the fruit. Do not eat the fruit. You might want to rest your hand on the trunk, or touch a branch. Do not touch the tree trunk or any branches. Do not stand under or even near the tree for any length of time whatsoever. Do not touch your eyes while near the tree. Do not pick up any of the ominously shiny, tropic-green leaves. If you want to slowly but firmly back away from this tree, you would not find any argument from any botanist who has studied it.

    And the whole thing gets more entertaining from there. Of special note: the manichneel tree is the deadliest tree in North America, but not the deadliest plant, which apparently goes to the spotted water hemlock…also a resident of Florida, because…Florida.

    If you’re not woke to Atlas Obscura, you probably should be. Click here for their main page.

  • When A Game Of Chicken Goes Horribly Wrong

    I know its a week old, so sue me!

    Florida Man?  Pshaw!  Alabama Man, not to be outdone by his panhandly (it could be a word) neighbors, decided it was a good idea to play chicken at 4:00 am.  His son, rather than talk him out of the plan, decided to participate in the festivities.

    This is not how they did it.

    An Alabama father and son were killed in a head-on collision with each other on Saturday morning, police said.

    Police said that alcohol was a factor in the crash that killed Jeffrey Morris Brasher, 50, and his son, Austin Blaine Brasher, 22, but they are continuing to investigate.

    The crash occurred at around 4:10 a.m. when the 2006 Ford pickup the Brasher was driving collided with his son’s 2004 Chevrolet pickup, according to police.

    Neither Brasher was wearing a seatbelt, according to reports.

    Neither was available for comment.

  • Three Florida Men

    Read the story here.