Category: Food & Drink

This is my review of Southern Tier Choklat Oranj.

Southern Tier brewery…. from Lakeside, NY?  Odd.  I like to think we have come full circle with the whole Stout thing.  There’s too many things one can do with it.  As it turns out, this is one of the simplest styles of beer to make.  The flavors that go into it can range from subtle to intense, so realistically you can add almost anything to it and come out with a palatable product—except Sriracha.  For example, after four years of studying chemistry and STILL not learning how to make VX nerve gas, I took this up:

This is probably my third attempt at recreating something wonderful.  Back in Colorado, I threw together a now unknown mixture of chocolate malts, Champaign yeast, English hops, Rainer cherries and sprigs of vanilla.  It was amazing.  I gave it to a friend of mine who said it was amazing but he still preferred whisky and that he was keeping the bottle because the bottle was a convenient place to put excess screws and nails.

Why is it now unknown?  I left the ingredient list on a fruit based mobile device.  That fruit based mobile device was dropped on a tile floor by a child—my child.  I tried to restart it, I tried shaking it, and even pressed both buttons at the same time.  Nothing.  I took that device to the fruit based store and was told that I could purchase a refurbished fruit based mobile device, or a new one.  It was done and I was slightly poorer, but at least I still had my tunes.   

This one is rich, and has a nice milk chocolatey aroma to it.  There is certainly a nice citrus aftertaste to it.  It does indeed taste like a chocolate orange at first.  The reason I like it is because at 10% ABV, it tastes like something I made in my closet by accident.  This is best reserved for a cold winter’s night, which means I need to go outside and put my feet into my 55-degree pool to simulate a cold winter’s night.  I found this one at Total Wine.  Southern Tier Chocolate Orange: 3.9/5

Another thing brewers add is peanut butter.  Don’t let the name of this one fool you, you’re probably going to like it.  Even if you don’t care for the information in that fun map I left at the bottom.  This beer, being from California, reminded me of the podcast my wife played on a road trip.  I was driving, so normally I wouldn’t care, but given the subject was excise taxes, I grudgingly listened in.

Never mind the moral issues they said.  The argument they focused on was that excise taxes altered the behavior of the people taxed and thus were effective at achieving the ends of the state.  One of the examples they used was a tax on soda in Berkeley which did reduce the sales of soda—in Berkeley. They even conceded residents could still get cheap soda somewhere else.  Which is a bit of a no-brainer, and really didn’t get into the ill effects of excise taxes.  One of the ones they did mention was the taxes artificially reduced the supply of the taxed goods by pushing out smaller producers who cannot profit from the inflated price nor justify their product at the new price by reducing supply.  The price after all, is determined by supply and demand.  Because a producer cannot reasonably control demand, the consideration for the new market price + tax must come from a decrease in supply.  I would guess this assumes the product is not something like insulin.  It is outlined at this link here and honestly, I did not previously consider the angle presented.  I like the moral argument against excise taxes better–mostly because it’s easier for me to explain and it’s also more convincing.  

I probably shouldn’t pick beer based on its ability to irritate me.  Whatever you think of excise taxes and I think I know what you think of them, the beer is good. Mother Earth Brew Co. Sin Tax Peanut Butter Imperial Stout 3.7/5

This is my review of La Cumbre (Albuquerque, NM) Malpais Stout.

The fun part about the English Milk Stout is that it does not contain milk, but it does contain lactose which as we all know is found in milk.  Lactose is a disaccharide known for giving people gas because of the angle of the Oxygen bonds between glucose and galactose.  That’s the O with the funny z-shaped bond that joins the monosaccharides below.  

This bond in similar (but not identical!) to the type of bond found in the same type of polysaccharides found in dietary fiber.  Most mammals cannot process fiber on their own, even cows; they process it with the help of bacteria that is passed to the calf from its mother.  It’s also why fashion models and beauty pageant contestants eat celery.  So as not to lose my audience, here’s Miss Kansas 2014, who I am quite certain eats meat. 

In other words, people have issues with lactose because in a way, humans were never intended to be able to easily process the sugar beyond infancy.  The sugar most people associate with beer of course is maltose.

Looks the same?  Not quite.  While they have identical chemical formulas, the difference is the angle of the oxygen bonds between the two monosaccharides.  What does this subtle to the point where it appears to be a nearly meaningless difference between sugar have to do with beer?  It has to do with everything.  The yeast that processes these sugars must do so in a different way because of this bond but it can process both easily.  The result is a beer that tastes slightly different—sweeter and not as dry.  This is the explanation as to why milk stouts taste the way they do, and why not all stouts taste the same and thus were broken up into multiple articles.

Another fun fact about milk stouts:  they were initially marketed to lactating women.  No wonder your mom likes it.

A good example of the English Milk Stout is Mackeson Stout.

This one is kind of hard to find in the US, so if you are looking for a good example of the English Milk Stout, check out Left Hand’s Milk Stout.  As a bonus, it is also available with the Nitrogen charged widget.

Another type is the English Chocolate Stout.  Part 2 of this series I mentioned Young’s Double Chocolate Stout, but an arguably finer example is Samuel Smith’s Organic Chocolate Stout.

It appears arrogant to the uninitiated yet deliberately proper, and understated–like everything else the English do well.  If you can find it, an example from the US might be Lancaster Double Chocolate Stout.  I’ve never had this one, but I have heard a lot of good things about it.  If I am wrong about it, I will recant on my deathbed.

As for the stout featured above.  I asked everyone what kind of beer I should get on a Friday PM Links thread, and while I got an answer, I had already made my purchase by the time I checked my phone.  I picked this because for some reason all the Glibs from the Land of Enchantment seemed to show up all at once one evening.  So here is my shout out to the green chili eating weirdos to the east whose most famous resident painted pictures that my former boss has all over her office.  

La Cumbre Malpais Stout has a ridiculous malt complexity and a subtle bite from the hops.  It’s ABV is at a healthy 7.5% and there is a slight burn to it.  This one is rather dry like an Irish stout, because it is.  Its old-world analogue is Guinness Extra Stout.  It is a solid effort, and one I would recommend.  La Cumbre Malpais Stout 3.5/5

I have been avoiding writing about this style for a while now.  It’s pretty much everywhere and people seem to either love it or hate it.  People that love it are often accused of lying about it to look like they are “with it.”  Even though what “it” is, is scary, smells like a barber shop when the AC breaks down and tastes like spiked piss.  Then this happened:

[…]

My TI:  Flight!

Me:  Kill! (Parade Rest)

My TI:  Attention!

Me:  Osama! (Attention)

Sorry about that.  Back to your regularly scheduled programing.

True.  Also discussed in this thread is if Whole Foods Girl is attractive with gauged earlobes.  The short answer is, maybe.

I did no such thing.

Screw it.  This is my review of Bear Republic Racer 5 India Pale Ale.  Hat Tip:  Sean, Tundra, Playa(Hate-ah)Manhattan, et al.

Ready your rotten cabbage, ladies.

For the record, I found this one as a single at Total Wine but I have seen it in numerous places like Fry’s(Kroger), Safeway and BevMo.  Since I am in Arizona, this wide distribution is likely due to my location and thus cannot speak to how far their reach is.  This isn’t the first time I have had this one, but it has been a long time.  Since there are so many California brands in my area, there is a fair bit of difficulty in keeping up with all of them.  Then there are the local brands which for the most part are as good or better, but the Arizona brewers tend to focus on styles that aren’t this extreme.  The reason?  When it’s hot out the last thing I want is an IPA and I don’t think I’m alone.

India Pale Ale tends to lose its potency over time.  The oils and aromatics in the hops that dominate the style break down, particularly when it comes in contact with light.  Yes, even if it is stored in a brown bottle.  Because of this, I always recommend finding a local brewer that makes a good version of the style, for me that’s Four Peaks Hop Knot. Fresh beer is always better and somebody that makes it nearby will likely give you the best version available for the style.  Don’t have a good one?  The Stone “Enjoy Before” series is your best bet. It’s not always available, but they give you the date specifically because that is the date they recommend will meet their quality standards.  The idea behind this style is they over-hopped the beer in England back in the day so it could make it to their English customers in India and still taste like a traditional Pale Ale.   

I tried this once when I came across a Stone Ruination IPA at a gas station about a year ago.  Note, I did not say Ruination 2.0, this was the original still sitting in the corner on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator at an Arco station.  It was old, and quite frankly there is proof of concept as it tasted like a terrible pale ale.  If you come across this one with the green label, avoid it.

Racer 5 is pretty good for the type of style it is.  Without looking it up, I would guess it is the Cascade/Centennial Hop combination that I mentioned before.  It’s made in the dry-hopped “West Coast” style that seems to generate the polarizing views.  I’ve been drinking a lot of balanced or malty beers lately, so it was quite the experience and even cleared my sinuses.  Very fragrant in the glass but it seemed to leave a dry, bitter feeling afterwards. There are a lot of citrus notes, and it is definitely not malty.  Overall, it’s a good example of the West Coast IPA style so if this is the style you like, you will enjoy it.  I’m not always up for it though.  Bear Republic Racer 5 India Pale Ale: 3.2/5.  Other good examples include the aforementioned Four Peaks Hop Knot.  Of the nationally distributed brands Sam Adams Rebel IPA, Dogfish 60 or 90 Minute IPA, Stone Ruination IPA 2.0, New Belgium Ranger IPA, Elysian Immortal IPA and if you have Avery in your area, most of their versions are very good as well.

The alternative is finding one that pays homage to the traditional English version.  Oskar Blues Pinner IPA is a good example.  They don’t list the hops used on their website (surprise!) but I believe they lean heavily on traditional English hops.  Interestingly enough, they were going for something else entirely when they made it. This one is very light, and it does not have a lot of body to it but it does taste more malty than what one would normally find from this style.  The head in the photo disappeared rather quickly but to be fair, this is something I have found in all this brand’s styles.

I will say this one is almost sweet compared to Racer 5.  Oskar Blues Pinner IPA: 3.2/5.  Another version to consider is Firestone Walker Union Jack IPA, and if you look closely in the import section at Total Wine you will find actual English IPA from time to time.  Not many other examples from the US come to mind.

You’d drink it, too, if she handed it to you.“Guinness is the best beer in the world.  Hands down.” – Me, 2003.

Like anything else, the more you’re exposed to different things the more likely your attitudes will change over time.  I was first exposed to Guinness in college, when a friend of mine picked up an 8-pack of Guinness Draught cans.  His dad was an F-16 pilot stationed at Aviano AB, Italy so he was a product of DODS and traveled all over Europe during his formative years.  It made him an interesting person to converse with but somehow or another he wound up in China in his late 20s.  I hear from him once every two years now, possibly when the Chicom government lets him check Facebook.  At any rate, he was fresh off a trip to Ireland with his dad and at the time we all thought it was the coolest thing in the world.  The can contained a “widget,” that charged the beer with nitrogen and when opened, will release its charge, mimicking what the beer would taste like if it came off tap.  Who else but the Irish would be at the forefront of beer drinking technology?

The problem is, at the time I didn’t know much better.  My exposure to beer was limited to Bud Light, Corona and the like.  I will credit my friend with forcing me to try something different from time to time, after all the beer is black and sometimes requires a spoon, when it’s supposed to be yellow, watery and sometimes requires a funnel and some surgical tubing. This lead to me drinking a Fat Tire, which lead to me drinking damn near everything else.

If we rag on the InBev brands for the ubiquity, their marketing campaigns and their trivial associations with pop culture, it shouldn’t be too much of a leap to come to the same conclusion about Guinness as we do with them.  Need an example?

Is Obama cool because Obama gets jacked on Guinness or is Guinness cool because Obama gets jacked on Guinness?

But it’s different, because Guinness is tasty!  Okay, maybe it is.  It has a nice texture, the head is certainly something to be desired and it is definitely better than 90% of the mass produced beers on Earth, but that is a bar low enough to trip over.  Its ingredients are to a large extent, trade secret—except for fish bladder, until recently. Because of its popularity, there is probably no beer on Earth that has as many “secrets” and “insights” that are intended mainly to make people look cool drinking it.  Such as:

Secret:  Tapping a spoon against the glass.  This is to determine whether the beer finished dissipating and the head has settled.  The glass should make a dull clacking sound when tapped with a spoon—now it’s ready!  This is silly, as the glass makes a similar sound when filled with almost any liquid.

Secret:  It’s better in Ireland.  This is mostly designed as a segue to the, “Oh you’ve been to Ireland, are the comely lasses really that comely?” conversation.  The former is somewhat true and there are a few explanations as to why.  The first being that for most Irish, drinking is a social event therefore they drink it in pubs, so it isn’t bottled.  Bottling and canning beer often requires pasteurization which can alter the taste of beer by denaturing the proteins and enzymes that you might find tasty and otherwise not get out of the can.  Also, the Irish drink so much of the stuff that once it’s brewed it’ll get consumed in a few weeks, so they might not be too concerned about it spoiling and thus won’t sully it with preservatives.  I’m not certain of the veracity of this one, since I doubt Guinness wants a lawsuit from their beer getting people sick.  Another practice in Ireland is Guinness will send a worker out to pubs with a distribution contract to purge the lines at 21 day intervals.  This ensures the lines are clean and thus do not contain foreign contaminants.   That’s what this guy is doing.  

It sounds like a good business practice on Guinness’ part to control quality but if I’m the pub owner I might question how much beer that wastes because depending on the length of the lines, there might be a gallon or more of beer in there that I can no longer sell which means its 17 gallons/tap/year—you do the math.  The beer is fresher in Ireland, pubs are required to let Guinness maintain their taps, it may or may not be safe for drinking, and it is almost always served off the tap.  Couple this with the fact that for most Americans, it’s a special occasion they find themselves in Ireland and therefore a novelty, it’s no surprise everyone says it’s better in Ireland.

Secret:  Drinking Guinness is good for you. Apparently, Guinness contains antioxidants and polyphenols like red wine, and in moderation the benefits outweigh the alcohol content. This is also ridiculous, as anybody drinking Guinness, like the stereotypical red wine drinker, is not going to be drinking it in moderation.

Secret:  The Perfect Pint.  This is a six-step process. 

1. Use a Guinness Branded Glass.  Preferably a clean glass.
2. Pour at a 45-degree angle, aim for the harp in the Guinness logo.  Pull aft on the tap.
3. Stop pouring when it reaches about halfway across the harp in the Guinness logo.  
4. Leave the glass to settle for 119.5 seconds.
5. Once ready fill the remainder, pushing fore on the tap rather than aft, holding the glass plumb.
6. Serve. The foam should be domed like the crystal on a well-made watch.

Not only that, there is a specific way to drink a perfect pint of Guinness and that is by drinking it in quarters.  In other words, gulping it rather than sipping it, thus leaving three foam lines in the glass.  Order a whisky between gulps 2 and 3.  DO NOT drink the whisky before finishing the beer. This whole thing sounds ridiculous to a rational observer, but I’m not about to argue with it beyond not telling me how to drink my beer.

In the end, Guinness benefits from a legend they realistically cannot live up to and a cultural status that seems to feed upon itself—like Harley-Davidson.  There are better, more flavorful stouts out there that also have the nitrogen charged widget.  Want me to name one?  Okay.

I suppose the pedants among us will point out this isn’t an Irish Stout.

Guinness Draught:  3.0/5 (If I’m being generous)

My sister recently had a birthday and I was voluntold to pick up a set of cupcakes from a baker specializing in cupcakes, and only cupcakes with ganache frosting.  I found out they only make a certain amount during the day and will close when they run out.  So when I arrived after they closed I still needed some cupcakes, and unfortunately for me there was only one place in the immediate area that would have what I needed to pick up.

I love how nobody at Whole Foods ever looks like their file photos…normally they look homeless yet somehow drive a Mercedes Benz Genändewagen. I know what you’re thinking, don’t you like money?  Why are you shopping there?  Well they had what I needed that day and their beer section is stocked with a disturbing level of variety.  I picked this one up while I was there since the last time I bought from this brewery was in college.

This brand has probably one of the more visually elaborate labels out there. All of their beers are adorned with art deco style and obvious cues to 1920-1930’s era gangsters, gazing narrowly upon us from the refrigerator. The beer itself doesn’t disappoint either.  It’s an American Amber Ale, which is a style that was popularized on the west coast and is probably the most ubiquitous style in the craft industry not called IPA.  Do you like Fat Tire, Alaskan Amber Ale, Full Sail Amber Ale, Avery Redpoint Ale, Northcoast Red Seal Ale, etc?  All fine examples of American Amber Ale.  This one is a hazy, deep red-brown color that finishes with a nice foamy head.  Cascade hops which is the norm but not exclusive for this type of beer, give it a citrus like aroma but not particularly floral–when it is cold.  

Cascades are a strain of hops that was derived at the University of Oregon on a USDA grant in 1956 that was determined to create a species of hop resistant to downy mildew.  It originated from an open seed collection that comprises of English Fuggle, Russian Serebrianker, and “an unspecified male hop variety.” The name of course, comes from the mountain range that runs through the area.  In the event you run into a non-GMO type at a bar drinking a Full Sail Amber, be sure to point out this fact and provide a Dixie Cup to purge xirself of this vile example of patriarchy that displeases Gaia.

Speakeasy’s version is a bit more fun, as it warms to room temperature it takes a different character, allowing the dark toffee malts to be more evident.  The malts balance out the hops, which is probably why this style is as popular as it is—it isn’t made to suit an extreme.  They also mix in another hop, Centennial, which is similar to the Cascade, but manifests itself better at optimum beer drinking temperature and does not taste so much like grapefruit.  This twist gives it a bit of complexity and lends itself specifically to the American standard of drinking beer while it’s near freezing.  Beer should be served around 55 F, which is something in C, I just don’t care to do the math for it.

Speakeasy Prohibition Amber Ale easily rates at 3.5/5 or better depending on your glass of choice and if you are the type that prefers some balance.  I had it in a chalice but you can use a pilsner glass or other wide mouth glass for a good effect.  Otherwise if you read everything I just wrote about hops and determined it is another example of putrid, overpriced, over hopped, grapefruit flavored swill, there isn’t anything I can say that will convince you otherwise.  So I’ll just leave this here for you: