Glibertarians.com 2017 Archive

Category: Recipes

  • Easy Last-Minute Food Gifts, Part the Second

    Today I present some simple-yet-tasty spice mixes that make great gifts. For an extra pretty presentation, layer the ingredients in a decorative container without mixing. Make sure you include instructions to mix thoroughly before using!

    But, wait, there’s more! Scroll down for a special bonus chai spice mix from Webdominatrix.


    SP's Taco Seasoning

    • 2 tbsp powdered chiles (I use a mix of aji amarillo and smoked red savina)
    • 1-1/2 tbsp ground cumin
    • 1-1/2 tbsp paprika (smoked or plain, hot or not)
    • 1 tbsp onion powder
    • 1 tbsp garlic powder
    • 1/4 tsp ground cayenne pepper

    1. To make: In a small bowl, combine all ingredients thoroughly.

    2. Store in an airtight container.

    3. To use: Add 2 tbsp (or to taste) to season one pound of a protein for taco filling. 


    SP's Creole Inspired Seasoning

    • 2-1/2 tbsp paprika (I like to use smoked, hot paprika)
    • 2 tbsp garlic powder
    • 2 tbsp salt
    • 1 -1/4 tbsp ground black pepper
    • 1 tbsp onion powder
    • 1 tbsp ground habanero pepper (or drop the heat with cayenne or premade chili powder)
    • 1 tbsp dried thyme
    • 1 tbsp dried oregano

    1. To make: Combine all ingredients thoroughly. Store in an airtight container.

    2. To use: Sprinkle on proteins or sandwiches, to taste.



    Old Harbor Seasoning

    • 2 tablespoons bay leaf, powdered
    • 2 tablespoons celery salt
    • 1 tablespoon dry mustard
    • 2 teaspoons ground black pepper
    • 2 teaspoons ground ginger
    • 2 teaspoons smoked paprika
    • 1 teaspoon white pepper
    • 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
    • 1 teaspoon ground cloves
    • 1 teaspoon ground allspice
    • 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
    • 1/2 teaspoon ground mace
    • 1/2 teaspoon ground cardamom
    • 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

    1. To make: Combine all ingredients thoroughly. 

    2. Store in an airtight container.

    3. To use: Add to seafood and other dishes to taste.



    SP's Rosemary Lemon Seasoning

    • 1/4 cup dried rosemary
    • 1 tbsp kosher salt
    • 1 tbsp garlic powder
    • 1-1/2 tsp dried lemon zest
    • 1/2 tsp black pepper

    1. To make: Place all ingredients in a spice grinder or blender jar. Process until finely ground. (If layering for presentation, grind the rosemary and lemon peel.)

    2. Store in an airtight container.

    3. To use: Sprinkle on proteins or vegetables to taste.


    Webdominatrix's Chai Spice Mix

    • 4 tsp ground cardamom
    • 3 tsp ground ginger
    • 3 tsp ground cinnamon
    • 2 tsp vanilla powder
    • 1.5 tsp ground allspice
    • 1 tsp ground nutmeg
    • 1 tsp ground cloves
    • 1/8 tsp sea salt
    • 1/8 tsp ground black pepper

    1. To make: Mix thoroughly and store in an airtight container.

    2. To use: Add 1 tsp to a cup of black tea.


  • Easy Last-Minute Food Gifts, Part the First

    Need a quick and easy gift for the holidays? Consumables are a great option. Here are three variations on a nutty theme.

    I’ll be posting some other last minute food gift recipes later in the week.



    Spicy Pecan Praline Bites

    • 2 cups pecan halves
    • 1/2 cup brown sugar
    • 1/4 cup heavy cream
    • 2 tsp maple syrup
    • 1 tsp smoked habanero powder
    • 1 tsp salt
    1. Mix all ingredients together thoroughly. Spread mixture on a baking
    2. sheet with a silicone baking sheet.
    3. Bake at 350° for 20 minutes stirring a couple times.
    4. Remove from oven and cool completely. Store in airtight container.
    I bump up the habanero powder quite a bit, but you could use less, or sub in cayenne or a less spicy option such as smoked paprika.

    Candied Cashews

    • 2 cups whole cashews
    • 1 egg white
    • 1 tsp water
    • 2/3 cup granulated white sugar
    • 1/4 tsp salt
    • 1/2 tsp cinnamon

    1. Preheat oven to 325F. Line a baking sheet with a silicone baking mat or parchment paper.

    2. Beat egg white with the water in a medium bowl until foamy and light.

    3. Add the cashews, sugar, salt and cinnamon to the bowl. Stir thoroughly; nuts should be completely coated.

    4. Spread the mixture as evenly as possible on the baking sheet. Bake for about 30 minutes or until nuts are beginning to caramelize.

    5. Remove from the oven and allow nuts to cool.  Store in an air tight container.

    Chile Pecan Brittle

    • 1 cup sugar
    • 1/2 cup light corn syrup
    • 1 1/2 cups pecans
    • 1 tablespoon butter
    • 1/4 teaspoon salt
    • 1 teaspoon vanilla
    • 1 teaspoon smoked habanero powder (or other chile powder)
    • 1 teaspoon baking soda

    1. Prepare a baking sheet with a silicone baking mat. Spray a silicone spatula with nonstick cooking spray. 

    2. Place sugar and corn syrup in a large microwave safe bowl. The mixture will expand quite a bit while cooking. 

    3. Microwave the uncovered bowl  on high for 4 minutes.

    4. Stir in pecans, butter, salt, vanilla and chile powder. Microwave on high for 4 minutes and 30 seconds.

    5. Working quickly, remove the bowl from the microwave and thoroughly stir in the baking soda. The mixture will foam.

    6. Rapidly pour the mixture onto the prepared baking sheet, spreading as thinly and evenly as possible.

    7. Allow to cool completely.

    8. Break the brittle into pieces and store in an air tight container.

    I use a 1100 watt microwave. If using a lower-powered device, you will need to adjust the cooking time.

    The spice level can be easily adjusted by varying the type and quantity of chile powder.

    Clean up is most easily accomplished by first soaking the bowl and spatula in very hot water.

  • Best Damn Fruitcake Recipe on the Interwebs

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    I love fruitcake. My grandmother was quite a remarkable baker, so I never had the horrible commercial fruitcake that many of my friends grew up with.

    This recipe is a compilation, but is the absolute best I’ve ever had, mainly due to the long maceration of the dried fruits and the ripening. Theoretically, it would have been better to start this right after Halloween for Christmas consumption, but it’s still possible to make it for New Year’s Day, if you don’t dawdle, but longer ripening is better. Oh, and the first step takes a week. Hop to it!

    This makes about 4 standard loaf pans, but you can adapt it to any baking vessel. Just make sure you keep an eye on it and don’t over bake.

    Properly attended to, fruitcake can be stored safely for literally years. We recently finished eating the last fruitcake of my batch from last Christmas. I store my fruitcakes in the wine cellar and bathe them with alcohol throughout the year.

    Best Damn Fruitcake Recipe on the Interwebs

    Give up on all other versions. This is the one you need.

    • 2 cups pitted dates
    • 2 cups candied lemon rind
    • 2 cups candied orange rind
    • 1.5 cups dried apricots
    • 1.5 cups dried figs
    • 1.5 cups candied cherries
    • 1.5 cups candied pineapple
    • 1.5 cups candied citron
    • 1 cup crystallized ginger
    • 3 cups raisins
    • 3 cups dried currants
    • 2.5 cups Grand Marnier
    • 3 cups Cognac
    • 2.5 cups flour
    • 1 tsp. baking powder
    • 3 tbsp. cocoa powder
    • 1 tsp. ground cloves
    • 1 tsp. ground cinnamon
    • 1 tsp. ground mace
    • 3 tsp. powdered instant espresso
    • 1 lb. butter
    • 2.25 cups dark brown sugar
    • 9 eggs
    • 1.25 cups molasses
    • 6 cups pecan halves
    • 6 cups walnut halves

    1. Using a large knife, chop the dates, lemon rind, orange rind, apricots, figs, cherries, citron, and ginger. Place in a large bowl and add the raisins and currants. Pour 1/2 cup Grand Marnier and 1 cup cognac over the ingredients in the bowl and stir to mix well. Allow to rest in the refrigerate for a week.

    2. Preheat oven to 225. Grease 4 or 5 standard loaf pans. Line with parchment baking paper. Grease the parchment paper.

    3. Sift the flour, cocoa, cloves, cinnamon, mace, and espresso powder to combine.

    4. Cream butter and brown sugar; beat until fluffy. One at a time, beat in eggs, making sure each is fully incorporated before adding the next.

    5. Add dry ingredients and molasses a bit at a time, mixing well. Don’t worry if the mixture seems to curdle. It’s fine. Transfer batter to a very large bowl.

    6. Stir in marinated fruit mixture with the marinade, and nuts.

    7. Distribute batter into prepared pans. Press down to eliminate any air pockets. 

    8. Bake about 5 hours or until a toothpick inserted into center comes out clean.

    9. Remove cakes from oven and allow to cool for at least 30 minutes. Turn the cakes out onto racks. Cool completely before proceeding.

    10. Brush the tops of cakes with 1 tbsp each of Grand Marnier and cognac. Wrap tightly in plastic wrap and allow to ripen at room temperature for one week. Each day, unwrap and brush the cakes with 1 tbsp of each of the remaining liquors.

    11. After the week is up, wrap tightly in new plastic, wrap in foil and refrigerate for several weeks before serving.

    To increase the absorption of the liquor by the cakes, poke holes in the top with a toothpick before brushing on liquor.

    Other orange-flavored liquors can be used in place of the Grand Marnier.

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  • Thanksgiving Recipes from the Glibs

    Various contributors came together to make this submission happen. Thanks, guys!

    From R C Dean

    Not sure what the name of this one is, but the maple syrup makes it very autumnal.

    3 oz. Rye (or bourbon – I prefer rye for just about any cocktail)
    3/4 oz. Orange Juice
    1/3 oz. Lemon Juice
    3/4 oz Dark Maple Syrup
    4 – 6 dashes bitters (Angostura works, but I also like Woodford Reserve Bourbon Barrel)
    Seltzer (couple ounces)
    Orange garnish (optional)

    I originally saw this “stirred, not shaken”.  In my experience, you may not get the maple syrup to fully dissolve by stirring, so I prefer to make this one in my trusty shaker (also, drinks with citrus are classically shaken).  The RC Dean method is to put everything but the seltzer and garnish in a shaker, pour over ice, top with seltzer and garnish.  Protip:  if you add the seltzer to the shaker, you will get a spectacular mess, so don’t do that.

    From Nephilium

    So here’s a recipe (modified from an issue of BeerAdvocate) I’ll be doing for a dessert this year:

    Pumpkin Imperial Stout Tiramisu

    Ingredients

    1 pint heavy whipping cream
    ½ tsp cinnamon
    ¼ tsp nutmeg
    1/8 tsp clove
    ¼ cup Dry Malt Extract
    1 cup pumpkin puree
    2 cup mascarpone cheese
    24 oz Rasputin Imperial Stout (or any other good Russian Imperial Stout)
    3 packages ladyfinger cookies
    1 cup Simpsons Special Dark Roast Malt, ground to a powder
    cinnamon, ground
    powdered sugar

    Notes: DME and Simpsons Special Dark Roast can be acquired at your local homebrew store.  Otherwise you can substitute ovaltine for the DME, and cocoa powder for the Special Dark Roast

    Directions

    In a medium bowl, add cream, cinnamon, nutmeg, clove and DME.  Mix this until soft peaks form, then set aside.  In a different bowl, mix together the pumpkin and the mascarpone until fully combined.  Fold the pumpkin mixture into the spiced whipped cream until blended (some streaks are fine), and then set aside.

    Pour the stout into a shallow bowl or a pie plate.  Select your serving container (I usually use a 13 x 9 pan, but you can use whatever size you wish).  Then you begin the assembly of the tiramisu.  Dip ladyfingers into the stout for 10 seconds, then flip them, and let them sit for 10 seconds again.  Then place the ladyfingers into your serving container until you have a single layer.  Then take a third of the pumpkin cream filling and distribute it over the ladyfingers.  Dust with malt powder, then add another layer of soaked ladyfingers.  Top the second layer with pumpkin cream and then garnish with malt powder, some cinnamon, and powdered sugar.  Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours before serving.

    If you use a smaller container, you can go to three layers of each, or even four.  Do what you want, it’s your dessert.

    From DblEagle

    AGED EGGNOG

    Dozen egg yolks (reserve the whites for something else)
    1 lb sugar
    1 pint half and half
    1 pint heavy cream
    1 pint whole milk
    1 cup rum
    1 cup cognac
    1 cup bourbon
    1 teaspoon nutmeg (freshly grated is best)
    1/4 teaspoon (((kosher))) salt

    -Beat egg yolks, sugar and nutmeg until falls off a whisk in a smooth ribbon
    -Combine the dairy, booze and salt in different container
    – Slowly beat the booze mixture into the egg mixture
    -Store in glass container(s) for 2 weeks to 2 months* in refrigerator

    Serve in glasses with nutmeg (fresh is best) garnish
    * You can (and I have) drink immediately but the aging time enables the tastes to smoothly combine

    How to Roast a Whole Turkey with Playa Manhattan:

    Don’t.     White meat is well done at 165F.     Dark meat is well done at 185F.    Whenever possible, roast the crown separately from the legs and thighs, otherwise, part of your turkey is going to be overcooked.

    For presentation purposes, if you feel that you must serve the bird whole, there is a workaround:   plumping.     Inject the breasts with enough flavorful liquid to slow down the temperature rise in the white meat.       In addition to a 3 day soak in my brown sugar orange/lemon brine, I inject about 6 ounces into each breast before cooking.   If you like a more natural, plain turkey flavor, I suggest using an injectable called “Make it Meaty”; it’s quite possibly the most perfect plumping solution I’ve ever come across.      As an added bonus, it contains sodium phosphates, which will cause the meat proteins to absorb even more liquid than if you just used a plain salt/sugar brine.    You can find the mix on Amazon here.  There’s nothing worse than dry turkey, so do what needs to be done, even if you consider it cheating.     Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

    From Old Man With Candy: What We’ll Be Drinking:

    SP and I regard Thanksgiving as an excuse for gluttony. At the same time, we realize that vegetarian gluttony may not suit everyone, but in our defense, “vegetarian” does not mean “healthy” or “low fat” or “devoid of flavor.” In recognition of this, rather than spilling our vegetarian recipes (which will be made by exactly zero people here), we’ll talk about the bottles that can grace the tables and lure you into a delightful sense of drunkenness. These may be a bit of a splurge, but hey, holidays deserve better than Beringer White Zinfandel.

    I admit that I’ve never eaten turkey, but I am told that rosé pairs well. In which case, you owe it to yourself to scarf up a bottle of Francois Cotat Sancerre Rosé, made from Pinot Noir grown in the Loire Valley. Current vintage is 2016, and you can’t go wrong. Unlike most other rosés, the Cotat is actually ageable, so if you find an older specimen, it will be very much worth buying. For a red, I like to be patriotic and drink domestic on T-day, and one of the very few California wineries that has avoided the blowtorch oak-bomb style of Zinfandel is Dashe. Their “L’Enfant Terrible” series (or variously, Les Enfants Terribles, depending on the bottling), made from various vineyards, is a don’t-miss. Natural winemaking: native yeast, no enzyme or flavoring packages, restrained oaking. Pure essence of fruit and soil. For whites, we can actually go cheap and grab some Seyval Blance from New York’s Finger Lakes- we have some Bully Hill in stock, which is very good, very inexpensive, and very reliable. If you want to get fancy, grab some Riesling from Michigan, like the wonderful Chateau Grand Traverse Block 12. And while you’re buying it, grab a bottle of their Late Harvest Riesling for dessert. Not “with dessert,” mind you, FOR dessert, preferably served with a fine quality Wisconsin cheddar. If you are having a chocolate dessert, run, do not walk, to a good wine shop to snarf a bottle of Dr. Parce Banyuls. You’re welcome.

    Wherein SP cheerfully ignores OMWC’s comment above about not sharing our recipes

    SP’s Easy Dinner Rolls – Vegan (or Not) – serves 8-12 (or SP & OMWC)

    (Use the ingredients in the parentheses for Not Vegan)

    2 tbsp white sugar (or honey)
    1/2 tsp salt
    1 2-1/4 tsp packet rapid-rise yeast
    2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour, give or take – divided
    1/2 cup unsweetened plain almond milk (or regular milk)
    1/4 cup water
    2 tbsp margarine, and a bit more for finishing (or butter)

    With a small whisk, combine the sugar, salt, yeast and 1 cup of flour in a small bowl.

    In a microwave safe bowl or measuring cup, heat milk, water, and margarine or butter to about 105F (41C). If it’s too hot, let it cool a bit before using.

    Place the dry ingredients into the bowl of a food processor or stand mixer. With the machine running, pour in the liquid ingredients. Process or mix for 2 minutes or so. Scrape the bowl sides, add 1/2 cup more flour and beat or process until a soft dough forms, about 2 more minutes. The dough will be sticky, but should loosely hold its shape.

    If the dough is too soft, mix in the rest of the flour a tablespoon at a time until the dough is still soft but holds shape. Turn the dough out and let it rest on a floured surface, covered, for 10-15 minutes.

    Meanwhile, grease an 8-inch round cake pan. An actual 8-inch pan, not man “8-inches.”

    Divide the dough into 8-12 pieces and shape into rounds. (I am a little compulsive, so I weigh the dough to have rolls of the same size at the end.) Place the shaped rolls in the greased cake pan, cover and let rise until doubled, about 45 minutes.

    While the rolls are rising, preheat the oven to 375F.

    Bake the rolls for 20 minutes or until nicely browned. If you wish, brush the top of the rolls with a little melted margarine or butter. Serve pretty close to immediately.

    And you thought you couldn’t bake yeast breads from scratch!

    From jesse.in.mb

    My family found out I wouldn’t be showing up to Thanksgiving with artichoke dip* and fresh baked bread this year and an aunt has dropped her normal provisioning in favor of hanger-management an appetizer. *A chef friend asked me not to share her recipe, this is will get you close enough though. For the past two years I’ve been making extra batches for the BF’s family’s Thanksgiving which I was invited to and it has been strongly hinted that I should continue the tradition and perhaps bring my Aunt Sheryl’s (PBUH) apple pie. I know everyone has their favorite apple pie recipe, but this one is better and I’ll consider disagreement an act of aggression.

    Aunt Sheryl’s Dutch Apple Pie

    Filling:
    2/3 cup sugar
    2Tbsp all purpose flour
    ¾tsp cinnamon
    ½ fresh lemon
    6-8 tart (Granny Smith) apples pared, cored, and sliced (equaling 6 cups)
    Combine first three ingredients. Put apples in crust, sprinkle dry mix over apples then squeeze ½ lemon over them (can be left for up to 24 hours in the fridge for more flavor).

    Crumb Topping
    ½ cup flour
    ¼ cup sugar
    ¼ cup butter
    Combine flour and sugar, cut in butter until crumbly. Sprinkle on top of apples.
    Bake at 400 for 45-50 minutes

     

  • UnCivil Cooks – Let Them Eat Cake

    I am legally obligated to inform you all that I, UnCivilServant, and a straight, white, cismale shitlord as part of a plea deal to avoid public ruination on the charge of transmisogyny. Turns out when your gay Nazi neighbors start talking about their daughter’s upcoming bar mitzvah, you should not ask if the surgeons were required to model a foreskin for later removal. How was I supposed to know there wasn’t going to be any surgery? Anyway, the other half of the plea deal requires furnishing the event with a cake. So that’s what we’ll be baking today.

    *sigh*

    Now, I don’t know kosher from vegan, so we’re not going to be all that fussy and if anyone notices, it’s their fault for not putting more specifics in the plea text. Since ‘cake’ is a very general term and I’m lazy, we’re going to go with a simple recipe, a basic sponge cake. A sponge cake is in the same family as the pound cake with one very basic difference. Sponge cakes are leavened with baking powder, while pound cakes are unleavened. Other than that it’s the same recipe. Well, it says it right there in the name, pound cakes have their major ingredients measure by weight, and as such so too do sponge cakes. So a kitchen scale is a must before we move on. I know a lot of people don’t bother to get one.

    Not really my fault there.

    So what do we need?

    • 1/2 pound eggs (usually 4)
    • 1/2 pound butter
    • 1/2 pound flour
    • 1/2 pound sugar
    • 4 teaspoons baking powder
    • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

    Oh look, I’ve gone and measured them out for us.

    Ready, Get Set, Cook!

    That chocolate bar there? Well, that will be turned into a garnish later on. [REDACTED] is a great local chocolate shop. This is just a basic bar of dark chocolate, and we needn’t worry about it right now. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

    So we need to start making the cake batter. I’ve already weighed out the sugar into the bowl for my stand mixer. That’s a clue – we start by whipping the butter and sugar together. I am using the whisk attachment for reasons that will become clear later on. After all, the hardest ingredient is the butter, and that should have softened up a bit by the time you’ve weighed everything out. After abusing the sugar and butter, you get something that photographs a lot like mashed potatoes.

    Not Potatoes

    It’s time to add our eggs. As typical, don’t get the shells in. This may be a grudge cake, but even I have standards. Be sure to scrape the sides often to make sure the butter and sugar mixture gets whisked into the eggs. Butter knife and plastic spatula both work for this – just make sure to stop the mixer before sticking anything that isn’t an ingredient into the bowl.

    Once fully integrated, we’ll end up with a uniformity our neighbors might not appreciate.

    Scrambled

    Return the bowl to the mixer and add small increments of flour, making sure it gets as fully mixed in as possible. Then add our vanilla and baking powder and keep mixing and scraping the sides until you get a uniform mass. Hopefully, you’ll have mixed in some air bubbles. Scoop this into an eight inch baking pan. With a half pound cake base, there will only be enough for one pan. If you’re generous enough to want to make a two layer cake, use a full pound base, double the baking powder and vanilla, and split the batter between two pans. Spread it out to cover the bottom of the pan. I ended up with something like so

    Sugar, Fat, Protein and Carbohydrates!

    Drop the cake into the oven and set a timer for thirty minutes.

    When the timer goes off, we have to conduct the dreaded ‘toothpick test’. I don’t know why people insist on using toothpicks. Not only are knives reusable, but the results are easier to see, and the damage done will not be visible on the finished product.

    Anyway, at the half hour mark, the top looked done, but our cake failed the toothpick test.

    Underdone

    As you can see, there is what looks like batter on the knife we stuck the cake with. So back into the oven it goes. Now it becomes a game of waiting a while, stabbing it again, and if it’s still battery, baking some more.

    Here’s what it looked like when the cake was finally done

    Done

    Don’t worry about those holes in the top of the cake. We’re going to frost it – with buttercream.

    Oh the screeching from the neighbors. Pound cakes are so often unfrosted. Oh well, that’s what they get for being nonspecific. We set the cake aside to cool and turn our attention to frosting.

    What do we need for a basic chocolate buttercream?

    • 4 cups powdered sugar
    • 2 sticks butter
    • 1/3 cup cocoa powder
    • 1-2 tablespoons milk

    Let’s wash up the bowl and whisk attachment we used on the cake. (I never invested in a second bowl for the mixer, silly me). And then dry them off. Cut up the sticks of butter into the bowl and measure out the sugar and cocoa powder. It will form an uninteresting heap of ingredients. see?

    It will taste better than it looks when we’re done.

    Alternate between slow runs with the mixer and scraping down both the sides of the bowl and the whisk. If you run it too fast, you get powdered sugar flying out of the bowl and it causes a mess. Once it won’t mix any further, start drizzling in a little milk. Until the frosting starts to clump up into a single mass, stay on the lower speeds for the same reason as before. After it gets clumpy, you can increase speed to whip it together. The key part here is to watch the consistency and to add as little liquid as possible to get the desired texture. Eventually you’ll end up with something resembling frosting.

    See?

    Now we need to wait for the cake to cool off. Ideally it should be at room temperature for the next steps. Why? Because our frosting is made from buttered sugar, and it will melt otherwise. Now, find the bread knife. You should have a bread knife from when we made sandwiches. Hold it parallel to the surface the cake is resting on and slice off the top. We’re not splitting it, we’re making a relatively flat surface. For instance, this:

    The closest we come to hat tips.

    This is not the surface we’re going to frost. Once we have the top level, we flip the whole darn cake over. There’s a reason for this. The part of the cake in contact with the surface of the pan will be tougher than the interior or top. This happens with all cakes to varying degrees. We’re using the fact to our advantage to make it easier to frost. These surfaces are less prone to tearing when you’re spreading frosting over them. Trying to plaster cake divots with buttercream is less fun than it sounds. So having it not rip is a good thing.

    Anyway, frosting a cake is an art – one I have not mastered. I can get it to the point where no one will comment on it at your typical get together. I don’t attend fancy cocktail parties, and if I did, I’d expect them to be catered by professionals. Anyway, after some effort, the cake looked like this

    You can’t even tell the cake is upside-down

    And so we come back to that bar of dark chocolate in the first picture. It was sitting in my cabinet for over a week, and was very much at room temperature. Room temperature being unfortunately close to eighty. In early October. Curse you unproven pseudo-scientific theories about anthropogenic climatological effects!

    Anyway, since it is soft, we can take a simple knife, say the one we tested the cake with, and start shaving curls off the side of the bar. Make sure you have a plate to catch them with, and be careful about the warmth of your hand melting the chocolate. Well, here’s what I mean…

    We’re not making a mess, we’re making ‘Art’!

    We take those little dark chocolate curls and shavings and distribute them haphazardly over the top of the cake. Dub it “art” and the neighbors will be forced to applaud it. It will bear some resemblance to this here.

    ART!

    I hope Xe likes it.

  • UnCivil Cooks – Sandwich from Scratch

    I think I’d like a sandwich today.

    *Yells into other room*

    Oi! Make me a Sandwich!

    *Waits*

    Dammit, I live alone. I have to do it myself. Welp, I guess I’m going to talk the Glibertariat through a process again. Let’s see, do we have any bread…

    Nope.

    I guess that’s where we have to start.

    Garlic Cheddar Beer Bread

    We need some ingredients. What are they?

    • 3 Cups Flour
    • 2 Teaspoons Salt
    • 3 1/2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
    • 2-6 Teaspoons minced Garlic
    • 12 oz Beer
    • 8 oz Sharp Cheddar
    • 1 Tablespoon Butter

    Before we forget, lets make sure the oven is empty, then set it to 350 degrees. That’s Fahrenheit for anyone from a country that measures based on water rather than humans. If you don’t want to do the math that’s 1.77 times the boiling point of water.

    Let’s just toss the flour, salt, baking powder and garlic in the mixing bowl. There’s no special magic this early on in the process. We need to grate the cheese before adding it, or it won’t integrate too well. After that, it should look something like this:

    We’re still doing that cooking-show thing, right?

    Simple enough, now we mix those together. I have a stand mixer with a dough hook, but that really is overkill. We’re not going to knead the dough, the only reason I like the dough hook for this process is that it’s easier to clean in the end, and it still gets the job done. Now we have – mixed powdery substances in a bowl with some cheesy bits.

    Time to add the beer.

    Now Glibs have been known to have massive debates on the topic of beer, so I’m not going to bother telling you what you should pick. If you don’t have a preference, grab a basic American Lager, the cooking and the other ingredients will cover the flavor.

    With the beer added, we mix until we get a fully integrated dough. It will be a wet dough and will cling to pretty much anything. We need a loaf pan either greased with butter, coated with oil, or spritzed with cooking spray, anything suitable as a release agent that you’re willing to ingest. Get the dough in said loaf pan and relatively evenly distributed. I find hands to be the best implment for doing this, but don’t want to interrupt the cooking to wash the dough remnants off again. So I keep a box of disposable gloves in the kitchen for just this sort of thing.

    See:

    Ten cents well spent.

    We still have that tablespoon of butter. Melt it and get it across the top of the dough, either drizzle it, or brush it, or some combination of the two. Usually I melt it in the microwave because it’s fast and I’m lazy. Here, if you have extra cheese from the first grating, you can sprinkle it on the top. This produces an excellent effect when baked. Alas, I did not have sufficient cheese.

    Drop the loaf pan into the oven at about the middle of the space and set a timer for forty-five minutes. While we wait, we have to resist wandering off for a little bit. A proper sandwich deserves accompaniment. Lets put together some classic tomato soup.

    Simple Tomato Soup

    I haven’t got any of the canned stuff, so we’re making this from scratch too. We’ll need ingredients. Where are my handy bullet points?

    • 1/2 Stick Butter
    • 1 Onion
    • 28 Oz Crushed Tomatos
    • Oregano
    • Basil
    • Bay leaf
    • 12 Oz (1.5 cups) Stock

    There they are.

    We need to get rid of the onion skin and chop it into small pieces. Mostly because it would look silly to drop a whole onion in the pot. Cans of crushed tomato come in twenty-eight ounce sizes, so this is one such can. If you want to go through the trouble of processing your own, go right ahead. I’m in a bit of a hurry. Same thing with the stock. I used pre-made chicken stock because I had it.

    All right, time to get cooking. Find our trusty dutch oven and make sure it’s been washed since the fish stew incident. Put it on medium heat and melt the half stick of butter. Once that is more or less liquid, add the other ingredients. If you need to know what it might look like, here’s an example:

    That pan looks familiar

    Stir it up and bring to a simmer. Let it continue to simmer until the bread timer has gone off. That should be give or take forty minutes after it went on. It would be advisable to give it a stir every so often to make sure nothing is sticking to the bottom of the pan. If it does, take the edge off the heat some and give it the occasional stir. Do not cover the pan. We want it to boil off some of the excess liquid. After it’s been cooking for a while, it will start to look a bit like real soup:

    Soupy

    Find the bay leaf and toss it. You don’t want to eat that now that it’s done its part. Now, the soup is perfectly edible as-is, but if you want to have consistancy closer to the canned variety, find a blender. Me? I just moved the pan to another burner and put a lid on it. My bread was done.

    The Sandwiches (Finally)

    Well, the bread fresh from the oven was too hot to slice. And since I didn’t have the extra cheese, looked a little pale. See:

    Just loafing around.

    But, once it cooled down, we could get on to the business at hand from an hour ago – making sandwiches. If you hadn’t guessed already from the tomato soup, I’m making grilled ham and cheese. Okay, the grilled cheese was probably obvious, the ham part is pretty common, too.

    The best way to distribute butter for grilling sandwiches is about as contentious as the appropriate type of beer to cook with. You do what makes you happy. I’m going to butter the bread so that the second side is guaranteed a dose of butter equal to the first. Then we start our construction. On the unbuttered side, we lay out a slice of American cheese (It’s traditional, any melting cheese will work). Then some cubes of ham. I stopped here to take a picture because the next step would be another layer of cheese, then the second slice of bread.

    Okay, so the bread was still a bit warm when I sliced it.

    Find a skillet or frying pan, or griddle, or whatever relatively flat bottomed, low-walled (or no-walled) cooking surface you want to use. Put it on medium heat and wait until you can feel the radiant heat a few inches above the pan. Gently lay the assembled sandwiches in.

    Here’s the hard part – we wait.

    We need the heat to brown the lower surface and conduct up into the cheese to turn it molten. This will inevitably take longer than I expect, leading to me standing there in irritation as thermodynamics thumbs its nose at me again. But once we do have it, we flip it over and…

    Browned on one side.

    Yes it is Browned! I know it doesn’t look it in the picture, that’s because it’s a low-contrast to the color of the bread. Take my word for it, it’s browned, and the cheese melted. We also have to wait for the same thing to happen to the other side. This is usually even more frustrating than the first wait, after all it’s been more than an hour since I yelled for an empty kitchen to make me a sandwich, and it’s still not quite done. But, once it is browned, we cut it on a bias (conservative in my case), array it on a plate and ladle out a bowl of our herb-laden tomato soup.

    Yum

    I need to get me a sandwich-making person.

  • UnCivil Cooks – Fish Stew

    Lets see how the resident Glib who doesn’t like anything cooks. We will be making fish stew. This is an improvised recipe that came out of trying to talk myself out of doing something stupid. More or less my first idea was Fish chili. This didn’t sound like it would turn out right, so I talked myself into something less outlandish. Visiting the local mega grocery (that is more than one mile distant from my food-desert located house), I picked up the following items (okay I already had some near the bottom of the list). I’ll start cooking, and sooner or later you’ll be compelled to follow along. Or I’ll randomly switch to first person plural.

    • 1/2 lb perch
    • 1/2 lb shrimp
    • Bacon, 3 rashers
    • 1 onion
    • 1 medium or 3 small potatos
    • carrots
    • 1 bell pepper
    • 12-16 oz stewed tomatos
    • 4 cups vegetable broth
    • Curry Powder
    • Salt and Pepper
    • Corn Starch

    The shrimp I got was pre-cooked. There was a good reason for this – that was the cheapest. There is another good reason – it allowed me to not have to spend too much time cooking the shrimp. So I started out peeling the shimp, the carrots, the potatoes, and the onion. This was a good start, and I followed up by quartering and cleaning the bell pepper. Since I was prepping everything, I carved the perch into two-inch squares. Since it came from Soviet Canukistan, it was still rimed with native frost.

    Here’s what it all looked like before the chopping started in earnest

    Those veggies were too big for the task, to I chopped them into smaller bits, keeping the aromatic and root vegetables separate. This will make later steps easier. I followed it up by moving the pot into the front and cut the bacon into small pieces.

    Chopping Completed

    Now, we could do this next step in a frying pan and move it to the dutch oven, we don’t need to. It’s plenty easy to do all of this in one pan. Start the heat and cook the bacon. We want the flavorful grease to be released, and will be using it as our fat for this part. Once the bacon has given off enough grease, it’s time to add our onion and bell peppers. We cook until the onions start to brown, there should be some browning on the bottom of the pan, this is fine.

    Not Caramelized.

    We need to get that tasty material off the bottom of the pan. After all, it’s bacon, onion and peppers, but mostly bacon. We want that in the stew. We could do some fancy deglazing, or we could just use the next ingredient. Pour our can of stewed tomatoes into the pan, liquid included. We’re going to use the acidic liquid from the tomatoes to deglaze the pan and collect that bacony flavor. To make sure we get it all, let’s cover it with a lid and let it simmer for five minutes.

    After simmering and deglazing.

    All right, we need to start making soup before we can turn it into stew. Lets add the root veggies and three of four cups of the broth. The fourth cup of broth we’re going to reserve for later. This will make sense sooner or later. Some of you might see where this is going.

    Almost soup.

    At this point we have to turn off the burner frenetically, move the pot to another, and clean up a catastrophe in the kitchen.

    Okay, the catastrophe isn’t required, but I did reach into my cabinet, pick up a box of corn starch and promptly drop it. Worse, the lid wasn’t on all that tight and it went everywhere. Half a second of gravity and my kitchen looked like a party at Tony Montana’s house. So I spent too long cleaning up the wite powdery substance, you may see it in the later photographs, because corn starch is pernicious and stubborn.

    Once that diversion has been dealt with, we can re-ignite the burner and put the pot back on the heat. Put it on medium to medium high and set a timer for thirty minutes. Go watch some cat videos on YouTube or something.

    After our timer goes off, we want to check the potatoes. They need to be cooked now, or we’ll have problems. So if they’re underdone, let it cook a little longer. The carrots can be a little crispy, that won’t be a problem, they’re just carrots.

    The content of the pot should look something like this.

    Now the bacon is a nice little bit of protein, but it’s not the primary source for this. So lets toss in our shrimp and the perch. Toss in three teaspoons of curry powder and a liberal helping of black pepper. Mix it all in. The perch will cook quickly. If you have anything resembling a membrane on the fillet, it will curl into nice little tubes while it does so. This is all right. This is also why I’m glad the cooked shrimp was the cheapest, since it allowed this step to go fast.

    Almost there…

    Let’s leave the pot for a while and get a bowl, pour the reserved broth into it and start mixing corn startch in. We want the starch fully integrated and the broth near saturation with corn starch. Once this is done, we pour it into the pot and stir it in until the broth thickens to a gravy. The perch should be fully cooked by now and may start breaking apart while we’re stirring. This is also fine. We’re not trying to serve discrete chunks of fish.

    Here’s our stew.

    It should be done, we can’t forget to turn off the burner.

    We ladle it up into the bowl and … wait a minute…

    Gruel

    Oh, okay, I just mixed up the order of the photos, that’s the thickener from a few paragraphs back before we poured it into the pot.

    Here’s the real bowl. Sorry about the mess:

    Stew

  • Classic Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri

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    Classic Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri

    Serves 4 (YMMV)

    This is one of those drinks that when I make it, I say, “why don’t I make this more often?” So easy, so balanced. I freeze strawberries when they are in season, but frozen berries from the store are fine.

    Many people prefer cocktails (and everything else) much sweeter than we do. Adjust the sugar as desired. Most recipes will call for 5-7 tbsp sugar. You can also use simple syrup, but I find it adds more liquid than I like.

    2-1/4 cups frozen unsweetened strawberries, straight from the freezer
    3/4 cup light rum
    1/2 cup lime juice (don’t worry, bottled works fine)
    4 tbsp white sugar – adjust to taste

    Put all ingredients in the blender and puree until smooth. The final consistency should be slushy enough to drink through a straw without waiting, but not runny.

    Happy summer!

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  • Three Boozy Desserts

    Today I present three delicious alcohol-laced desserts. An easy one for bakers, an impressively showy one for stove-top cooks who love heat, and one that requires no talent or ability whatsoever!

    Torta al Vino

    No frosting required.This recipe is by famed Italian chef Lidia Bastianich (although I’ve changed the narrative). Don’t be fooled by the ease and simplicity of this cake. The final result is unexpectedly delicious. It’s also perfect for anyone afraid of decorating a cake, as it finishes to a beautiful golden brown that needs no ornamentation.

    Have all your ingredients at room temperature before starting (unless your a/c is broken and you live someplace like Phoenix!), as it will make it come together much more easily. And don’t skimp on the citrus zest. It really makes a huge difference.

    Either seedless grapes or blueberries or raspberries can be used as the fruit. I used blueberries since they are in season here now and very inexpensive.

    I use a 9-inch springform pan. Springform pans are available pretty much everywhere now, very inexpensively, even at Walmart and equivalent. It will make the final presentation much easier, and this cake does rise in the oven more than a standard 9-inch cake pan can happily accommodate. Splurge on the springform pan. You might even decide to start baking cheesecakes.

    As is the case with many things, this is even more delicious the next day. You’re a grown-up; yes, you can eat cake for breakfast!

    Serves 8-12

    For the pan:

    1 tbsp unsalted butter
    1 tbsp all-purpose flour

    For the cake:

    1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus 1 tsp for fruit
    1-1/2 tsp baking powder
    1/2 tsp baking soda
    1/8 tsp salt
    6 tbsp unsalted butter
    3/4 cup white sugar
    2 eggs
    1 tbsp olive oil
    1 tsp vanilla extract
    1 tbsp orange or lemon zest (I use lemon if using grapes, orange if blueberries are the fruit)
    3/4 cup dry white wine (nearly any kind will work)
    2 cups seedless grapes, stemmed, rinsed and patted dry OR 2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries or raspberries

    For the topping:

    2 tbsp butter, diced
    1 tbsp white sugar

    1. Preheat oven to 375F.

    2. Rub the entire inside of the cake pan with butter. Sprinkle with flour and shake to coat the entire surface. Dump out any extra flour.

    3. In a small bowl, mix together flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

    4. In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar. When blended together, beat at high speed to smooth and lighten. Scrape down the sides of the bowl, and – one at a time – add eggs, beating after each one until fully incorporated. Add olive oil, vanilla extract, and citrus zest. Beat on high for a couple minutes until very smooth.

    5. Scrape down the sides of the bowl. Add 1/3 of the flour mixture, then 1/3 of the wine, beating as thoroughly as you would your “orphan.” Continue alternating the flour mixture with wine, beating completely until all dry ingredients and wine are fully incorporated. Scrape bottom and sides of bowl and beat on high to finish smoothing the batter.

    Sprinkle and swirl, baby!6. Pour the cake batter into the prepared pan, spreading it evenly. Sprinkle 1 tsp flour on the fruit and shake to coat evenly. Sprinkle the fruit over the cake batter, then lightly swirl the fruit into the batter. It doesn’t need to be fully submerged.

    7. Pour yourself a glass of white wine. Bake cake on the middle rack of the oven for 25 minutes, drinking wine while you clean up the kitchen. After 25 minutes, the top of the cake will be set and starting to brown, but the inside of the cake will still shake. Carefully pull the rack out until you can reach the cake. Sprinkle the surface of the cake with the diced butter, then sprinkle the sugar on top. Don’t burn yourself – you’ve been drinking, after all!

    8. Return cake to oven and bake until the cake is set and the top is golden brown, about 15 more wine-drinking minutes. Test with a toothpick inserted into the middle of the cake. It should be clean with no cake clinging to the toothpick when done.

    9. Remove the cake from the oven and allow to cool on a rack for 10 minutes. Release the springform side and remove. Allow the cake to completely cool before serving. Continue drinking wine while you wait.

    10. Slice into wedges and serve as is or add a little whipped cream (try whipping with some orange liqueur for a nice touch).



    Spicy Rum Pineapple

    NOT INTENDED FOR DOOM'S PIZZA I must emphasize that this dish can be made as spicy or as mild as your taste dictates. Make sure you use a smoked pepper powder, or add some smoked paprika to the mix. We like it so spicy (mmmmm habaneros!) that most of our guests don’t even dare try it. Those who do, generally curse us while performing their morning rituals the next day.

    Fresh pineapple is a must here, but you can save yourself some work by purchasing it already cored, sliced and cut into chunks. We serve this with homemade vanilla bean ice cream. (You are definitely going to want that ice cream if you make this right.)

    UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD THIS BE ANYWHERE NEAR A PIZZA. (I’m looking at you, Doom!)

    Serves 4-6

    1 pineapple, peeled, cored, sliced, and chunked (chunks should be about 1/2-3/4 inch thick)
    3 tbsp butter
    3 tbsp white sugar
    1/3 – 1/2 cup dark rum
    Smoked, fruity hot pepper powder (to taste)

    1. Melt butter in a large skillet over medium high heat. Add pineapple and saute until caramelized, making sure to turn the pineapple so both sides are caramelized.

    2. Add sugar and cook until the sugar melts.

    3. While keeping your face and all small children back from the pan, pour in the rum all at once.

    4. After the flames have died down, cook until the liquid has cooked down into a thick syrup. Remove from heat and sprinkle with smoked hot pepper powder.

    5. Divide onto dessert plates and serve a scoop of good vanilla ice cream right alongside.



    Spiked Melon

    Mmmmm melon!Fruit, sugar, sparkling wine, fresh herbs. Can it get any easier? No, it can’t. Don’t bring a boring, uninspired carton of Ben & Jerry’s next time you’re asked to contribute a summer dessert to a dinner party. Really, don’t be that guy.

    A couple great combinations to try: cantaloupe and mint; honeydew and basil.

    Serves 4

    1 cup Prosecco or Cava
    1/8-1/4 cup superfine sugar (adjust for taste and/or how sweet the melon is)
    4 cups melon balls (oh, grow up!)
    1/4 cup packed fresh herb leaves

    1. Pour the sparkling wine into a large bowl. Add the superfine sugar and stir until dissolved.

    2. Add the melon and stir to coat completely. Cover and refrigerate at least 2 hours. (I like to prepare this first thing in the morning for an evening event.)

    3. Right before you serve, roll up the herb leaves and chiffonade (slice into thin ribbons).

    4. Divide melon and liquid evenly into 4 pretty dessert glasses, garnishing each with 1 tbsp of herb ribbons.


  • SP’s Cooking Corner: Three Bourbon Sauces for Summer

    Bourbon Grilling Sauce by SP
    Bourbon Grilling Sauce by SP
    It’s grilling season here in the upper portions of the USA. I’m not a huge fan of ketchup (too bland), nor many marinades and grilling sauces (too sweet). So I make my own.

    These sauces work well on meat or vegetable proteins, like tofu or the ersatz “meats” from Gardein. The recipes are pretty balanced as written, but everyone has their own taste preferences. Adjust sweetness as desired. I absolutely detest Liquid Smoke, so get my smokiness from smoked peppers such as chipotle, smoked habaneros, or smoked paprika. Adjust the heat level according to your audience. I tend to ramp them up quite a bit from the starting points below.

    As with many sauces, these get better as they sit and blend, so plan ahead for once in your life and make them a day or two before you want to use them. (I’d be looking at OMWC there, but he doesn’t need to make these since he has me.)

    Bourbon Marinade

    1/4 cup bourbon
    1/4 cup water
    2 tablespoons maple syrup (if not a fan of maple, you can sub honey)
    2 tablespoons ketchup
    1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
    1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
    pinch cayenne or chipotle

    1. Whisk ingredients together in a shallow dish.

    2. Add protein of choice and marinate overnight, or at least 8 hours.

    Bourbon Grilling Sauce

    1 cup bourbon
    3/4 cup apple cider vinegar
    1/2 cup ketchup
    1/3 cup brown sugar
    1 tablespoon tomato paste
    1 tablespoon lemon juice
    2 teaspoons liquid aminos (or Worcestershire sauce, if not vegetarian)
    1 1/4 teaspoons minced garlic
    1 teaspoon salt
    1/2 teaspoon chipotle powder or smoked paprika
    1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
    1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
    1/4 teaspoon dry mustard

    1. Combine all ingredients with a whisk in a saucepan.

    2. Simmer until desired consistency, about 45-60 minutes.

    Bourbon Ketchup by SP
    Bourbon Ketchup by SP
    Bourbon Ketchup

    16 ounces tomato puree
    6 ounces tomato paste
    1/4 cup brown sugar
    1/4 cup bourbon
    3 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
    1 1/2 teaspoons liquid aminos (or Worcestershire sauce, if not vegetarian)
    1 1/2 teaspoons salt
    1 1/4 teaspoons garlic powder
    1 teaspoon onion powder
    1 teaspoon chipotle powder or smoked paprika
    1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

    1. Combine all ingredients with a whisk in a saucepan.

    2. Cook over medium heat until boiling.

    3. Reduce heat and simmer for 15-20 minutes. Let cool.

    4. Store in refrigerator, or portion into smaller containers and freeze.



    (Featured image on front page by Flickr user respres.)