Category: Satire
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Detroit: Progressive Paradise
There is a city in the US that has not had a Republican mayor since 1962 and no Republicans on its city council since 1994. Not surprisingly, this city is a beacon of prosperity and a shining example of the triumph of progressive public policy. I am speaking, of course, of Detroit.
Detroit did everything right: they have a high minimum wage, a large and well-paid public sector workforce, strong unions, high education spending, and a tax system that makes sure the rich pay their fair share. Is it any wonder that Detroit has the lowest rates of poverty and unemployment in the nation?
Detroit’s strong gun laws have also made it America’s safest city. It has the lowest homicide and crime rate of any city in the country. Detroit’s high education spending has led to it having the nation’s lowest high school drop-out rate, as well as the lowest rate of illiteracy. For these reasons, people have been flocking to Detroit and its real estate market is booming. This teeming metropolis is also a bastion of racial harmony with its many mixed neighborhoods.
The city’s car factories are thriving as well, thanks to the UAW, which helped make GM America’s top exporter. In 2008, GM did so well that it donated several billion dollars to the government to help pay down the national debt. Detroit itself is debt free thanks to the sound fiscal policies of the Democrats.
Other cities and states have decided to follow Detroit’s example. California has been booming ever since it enacted Detroit’s policies. People continue to flock there away from poorly-governed Republican strongholds like Texas.
Despite Detroit’s obvious success, many are reluctant to try the winning formula. So in the next election, remember to vote only for progressives. A vote for progressives is a vote for a strong middle class, good education, and low crime.
Just like Detroit.
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Fair Share
Stick it to the fat cats, man. Winston Churchill said that a nation that tries to tax itself into prosperity is like a man trying to fly by standing in a bucket and pulling the handle. These sort of statements show why he never gained a reputation for wit and remained a minor British politician.
Wealth is like a pie and everyone deserves a slice. Right now, a few rich people get most of it and everyone else gets what’s left. Some only get crumbs. The pie needs to be sliced more fairly. There is only so much money out there, so no one can get richer unless someone else gets poorer. This is why our bank accounts get smaller anytime someone wins the lottery. Right-wing nut jobs will tell you that poverty is caused by poor decisions and bad luck, but the truth is it is rich people who push down the poor. Life is better in countries like China and Cuba where the government takes control. That way the common people, not the rich, are in charge. Or just look at Zimbabwe, Africa’s most prosperous country. There, the government went even further. It printed lots of money and gave it to the poor, and everyone became rich because money is the same as wealth.
Taxing the rich is good for everybody. That’s why the most prosperous period in US history was the 1930s when the top tax rate was 77%. This why the period of FDR’s presidency is called The Great Prosperity. If the government needs more money, it should just raise taxes. The rich people will grumble, but they will pay up because rich people never, ever try to avoid paying taxes by earning less or hiding their money overseas. Also, every time the government raises taxes, the extra money is used to pay down the debt, which reduces the amount of money the government needs to create. This is why everything is cheaper now than 100 years ago and why old people always talk about how a dollar used to be worth a lot less.
Anyone who disagrees just doesn’t understand economics.
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America’s First War in the Middle East
“A Barbary pirate,” Pier Francesco Mola, 1650 By Derpetologist
The first war the US fought in the Middle East was in 1801. This was also the first time the US sent its military overseas. The enemy were pirates based in Tripoli, in what is now Libya. It began when the pirates began attacking US ships and taking the crews hostage. They did this because the US government refused to pay tribute for safe passage. At the time, every other nation, including powerful ones like Britain and France, was paying tribute to these pirates.
US ships sailed to Tripoli and bombarded the city. During this time, one ship ran aground and was captured. It was later burned in a commando raid by US marines to prevent the pirates from using it. This raid is the origin of the words “to the shores of Tripoli” in the US Marine Corps hymn.
William Eaton (1764-1811) After this incident, the US government began a long series of negotiations with the pirate government, led by a man named Yusuf Karamanli. He was a Pasha, or military governor, of the Islamic Ottoman Empire which controlled the area. At the same time, an American army officer and diplomat named Willam Eaton worked to overthrow Yusuf. Yusuf had gained power by overthrowing his brother Hamet. Eaton’s plan was to help Hamet regain the throne and then Hamet would release the American hostages and sign a treaty with the US.
Eaton and Hamet raised an army and marched on Derna, Yusuf’s capital city. With help from the US navy, they captured the city after a bloody battle and forced Yusuf to flee. A few months later, the US government announced that it had signed a treaty with Yusuf which freed the US hostages in exchange for a large ransom. Eaton was recalled and Hamet was forced into exile again. Eaton drank himself to an early death out of bitterness at the outcome.
But on a positive note, the war made a strong impact on public memory, and the US never again waged a fruitless war in the Middle East.
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Raise the Minimum Wage & End Robot Unemployment
This robot killed thousands of humans in the Emoji Wars and was paid a non-living wage. Now he is penniless and works as a night guard in a toy store for room and board. His name is Gilbert. America’s robot unemployment rate is a national disgrace. All across the country, robot engineers sit idle and schematics languish on drawing boards. And why? Because robots are priced out of the market by cut-rate human labor. All this in spite of the presence of millions of dull, repetitive, low-skill jobs which are perfect for robots.
Yes, robophobia runs rampant–it’s the last acceptable form of discrimination. It’s time to move forward and strike a blow for machine rights. By raising the minimum wage, we can ensure that robots and humans will compete on an even playing field.
Moreover, more robots mean jobs for engineers & technicians. Moving to a robot-based economy will revitalize America’s manufacturing base. Imagine going through a drive-thru and being served a perfectly cooked hamburger from a gleaming robot with “MADE IN THE USA” proudly stamped on its metal chest. Picture factories in cities like Cleveland and Detroit bustling once more as they churn out robots. Think of all the happy teenagers and college students liberated from the drudgery of summer jobs.
Other nations like Japan have embraced robots. And Japan’s economy has been in a non-stop boom ever since. All thanks to the magic of high labor costs and robots.
In the US, robots have largely replaced humans on customer service hotlines, much to everyone’s delight. I know I get a thrill up my spine whenever I hear the robot voice say “for English, press 1”. And I never have to repeat myself to a robot the way I do with people. They get it right the first time, every time. Honestly, who prefers talking to a person over a machine?
Raise the minimum wage–it’s good for robots, good for business, and good for America.
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Just a Few More Laws
The US constitution is 4,440 words long. It is the shortest constitution in the world and the oldest still in use.Unfortunately, the Constitution was not quite enough, so over the years, we added a few more laws. By 1925, all of the country’s laws fit in a book 7 inches thick–much more impressive than that flimsy old Constitution. Later came the IRS tax code. It is around 4 million words, but no one really knows for sure because it gets longer every year. It is now longer than the Bible (788,000 words), War and Peace (587,000 words), and the complete works of Shakespeare (884,000 words)–combined.
Not bad, but still not quite enough. Obamacare added another 387 thousand words and its regulations another 11 million words. It is important to remember that laws include both statutes and regulations. The regulations are often much longer than the law (statute) itself. I tried and failed to find a word count for all US laws, including federal, state, and local. I failed because it turns out there are so many of them, no one knows how many there really are. A rough guess is that there are probably around 100 million words total in all the country’s laws.
Now we’re getting somewhere. A Roman orator named Cicero famously said “more laws, less justice.” But those were ancient times. Things are completely different today. The record of history clearly shows that as laws grow more numerous and complex, corruption and crime decrease. This is especially true for vice laws which have successfully eradicated prostitution and drugs. And with no unintended consequences whatsoever.
You see, with every law we pass, we inch ever closer to utopia. That’s why we should be passing as many laws as possible and never, ever repealing them. To repeal even one law is to risk plunging the nation into anarchy. So the next time you hear someone complain about laws, just remember that laws are the only things stopping people from killing and eating each other. Even the laws like the one which banned pinball machines in New York City from 1940 to 1976. Those are the most important of all.
