Category: Satire
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Florida Man Episodes IV
Florida Man shook himself awake to the sound of cops banging on the door. Shit. Pausing only long enough to see whether he had pants to keep the police dog from chewing on his nuts if it was going to be that kind of chase, he staggered away from the sound of knocking. Where the Hell was he anyways? It was like he was in a boat, but it wasn’t rocking. Fuck. He hoped it wasn’t the FWC. The Grouper Troupers have all sorts of fun motorized vehicles that make escaping on foot (or by swimming) hard.
Oh look, Florida Man, thought. I am in a boat. It’s just grounded. That makes sense, but you can’t assume things about what people will build for a house in Florida. Throwing a leg over the side, FM saw that there were cops waiting for him.
“Please, bro. Don’t tase me!” Florida Man called, throwing up his hands and falling to his knees. “I’ve got a bitchin’ headache, my mouth tastes like a bus driver’s ass smells, and people spent all day yesterday punching the shit out of me.”
A deputy approached and said, “Sir, is this your boat?”
“Nope. Never seen it before in my life.”
“So you don’t know whose boat this is? Because it seems to be lying on its side in the middle of a beach. Do you know how it got here?”
Florida Man thought fast.
“No, sir. I, uh, had just come aboard right before you got here to see if anyone was here or hurt. It does seem strange to come upon a nice boat like this on Daytona Beach.”
The deputy was giving him the cop stare, hoping Florida Man would get nervous and say something else. The silence went on for half a minute. Then one of the other deputies walked up and said, “Hey, aren’t you that guy who got beat up yesterday at that softball game?”
FM nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “That was me. I’m a little unclear on the in-between. I had, like, a bunch of 4Lokos and blacked out.”
The second deputy said, “Well, anyone who is friends with a Polk County Sheriff’s deputy is friends with me. We ain’t kick your ass for trying to a good deed up here. You can go and have a nice day.”
Florida Man turned and started walking away, amazed at his dumb luck.
“Hey, boy!” A deputy shouted.
Florida Man tensed to run, but turned around, his face a rictus grin of fear.
“I think you dropped your cell phone and your wallet while you was in there!”
Florida Man walked back to retrieve his phone and wallet, certain he was going to jail yet again.
“You okay, boy?” The deputy with his possessions asked.
“Yeah, I, uh. Bad seafood. I’m gonna have to find somewhere soon.”
Florida Man retrieved his phone and wallet. He did a fine impression of a man with a bad shrimp about to paint his pants walking away. Thank goodness that the average Florida cop was recruited from the same pool as his minions, he thought, scrolling through his phone. It was the only thing that gave him the slightest hope of one day ruling all that the Mouse did not claim.
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Florida Man Episodes III
Florida Man returned to consciousness to that special headache and muscle pain that he knew from experience as the after-effects of electrocution. Judging by the pain in his back, someone had either jammed a taser or live wire into the base of his spine. He tried to move his right hand to explore the spot, but it wasn’t moving. Oh shit! He was paralyzed! Never to shoot a block of tannerite from way to close again. Wait, wait.Maybe… maybe he wasn’t paralyzed. Maybe this was the OTHER kind of hospital he was in. Yep, given a moment to get his bearings, the arms weren’t moving because he wearing a straight-jacket. Thank The Mouse! Florida Man knew exactly what kind of scams go on in nursing homes to paralyzed patients. No way was he going to be a living sex doll for some oxycodone dependent semi-literate nursing home attendant to pimp out. Straight jacket, taser wounds, Florida Man could deal with that. It smelled like Lake County Hospital. Yes. Okay. It was starting to come back.
His minions had roughed up Papa Voudoun, who was also a Medicare fraudster. Florida Man could see now that just because a Santeria priest made a living by Medicare fraud didn’t mean that he didn’t have some powerful voodoo. Those two minions came back as flesh-eating zombies. Or maybe they’d just gotten into a bad bag of bath salts, but the timing was awfully suspicious. At any rate, he’d been forced to flee his lair and made the mistake of speaking openly about his fears of having his intestines eaten by his former minions. Officers were called, tasers were deployed, Florida Men were arrested.
“Hey!” He called.
“Hey! I’m not crazy anymore and I want to call my lawyer!”
A skinny little ferret of a redneck in a corrections uniform came to get him.
“You get ate up by any o’ them zombies?” The CO asked. “Heh, heh.”
Florida Man dialed up his lawyer. Actually, the CO dialed his lawyer and set the phone in the crook of Florida Man’s shoulder, the straight-jacket still being in place.
“Listen, Pam, its Florida Man. I’m in the Lake County jail and I need out.”
“What?! What do you mean, cash-flow problems?!”
From out of the phone speaker the tale emerged.
“It seems, uh, FM, as if the woman you put in charge of skimming Gainesville may have taken some liberties with your money. It does appear that she might have used some of the money for, uh, cosmetic surgery.”
Florida Man swore. “I’ll fucking rearrange her ass for her.”
“Well, she paid a doctor a lot of money to have that done.”
“What? Fuck. Fuck! Get me out of here.”
“Okay, okay. Its going to take a little while. You know I don’t front money to clients. I’ll have to get in touch with some of the others and maybe pawn a few things. What about the airboat?”
“No. No! Do not pawn or sell the airboat.”
“Yeah, okay. You’re breaking up, I’ll get someone down there, probably by tomorrow.”
Florida Man let the phone drop to the floor. He kicked it across the room and started beating his head against the wall and chanting, “I’ll kill her. I’ll kill her.”
Suddenly there was a sharp pinch and the warm, relaxing feeling of a lorazepam and haloperidol cocktail washed over his body. Florida Man was in jail for a while, and he didn’t care.
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Florida Man Episodes II
Six feet of asphyxiating love “Goddam invasive species!” Florida Man shouted, firing several more rounds into the python that had just strangled his goat. “Fuck you right in your… do pythons have asses or just a single opening?” Several of his minions looked at one in particular. What was his name? DeWayne? DeWitt? Whatever his name was, he was apparently into snakes. Sexually.
“No, boss, they just got one opening. Its got a reallll good squeeze if you know what I mean.”
How in the hell could he ever rule Florida, driving the old and the tourists before him, making the Seminole tribal wealth his own, establishing the seat of his power at the top of the phallic Capitol with minions like this? Florida Man shot DeWhatever until the slide locked. The minion twitched, kicked, and gurgled for a ridiculously long time. Some of these minions were harder to kill than a palmetto bug. Probably the fact that some of those guys couldn’t possibly have a functioning brain. It was like watching Paul Reubens die in Buffy.
We bring in the goats to eat the kudzu, we bring in the pythons to… The goat being dead was a problem. A Santeria priest was supposed to sacrifice that goat in the dark of the new moon to remove any curses from Florida Man’s soul. That goat. Not another one. He’d already lost two minions to chupacabra duty (or maybe a hungry Skunk Ape — there wasn’t much left of the minions or the animal — hard to believe anything would like the taste of that weary keyboard warrior) and killed another who thought it was dinner on the hoof. And now a damned python had strangled it. Fuck!
Pulling his cellphone from his utility belt, Florida Man called the priest’s 900 number. Papa Voudoun was the most in demand curse-lifter in Southern Florida. Weirdly, sometimes Papa Voudoun sounded Haitian and sometimes Hayseed. Like maybe he was possessed or something.
“Papa Voudon, Florida Man.
“No, no. THE Florida Man! Right! Yes.
“Listen, I have some… news about that goat I was supposed to get you… It got strangled by a python…
“I know… They totally should have an open season.
“Absolutely… Criminal that our delicate ecosystem is being raped by these invaders…
“Like the boys from the Islands? I thought you… Ohhh. Right. Yeah. Those Puerto Ricans…
“So about that goat…
“Wait, it transferred its power to the python? But I shot the python!
“The curse is worse?! How do I get it removed?
“A new goat and a $5000 pair of cayman-skin boots size 11EE?
“Papa Voudoun! Did the police just knock at your door? Anthony Jefferson?! That ain’t no voodoo name!
“Medicare fraud? You… Monster!”
Florida Man turned to two of his minions. “Get yourselves down to Miami. Punch a cop. Get arrested. I want you to find Anthony Jefferson in the jail and see if he really knows voodoo. Beat him until he curses you and see if you die badly. Go.”
Florida Man jumped on his airboat. He’d heard stories of a more aggressive Nile crocodile in the swamps. Fake voodoo priests! He’d feed that fake priest to an invasive crocodile and then kill it and have boots made. And then give them to a Puerto Rican! Maybe that would break the curse.
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The Progpocalypse
And I saw when the pan-sexual, differentially-abled, undocumented Person of Color opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
2 And I saw, and behold a white privileged horse: and the shitlord that sat on him had a semiautomatic assault rifle with a black thing that goes up; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth kinetic actioning, and to utilize authorized military force.
3 And when xe had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see.
4 And there went out another horse that was a non-revolutionary red: and power was given to the cis-het patriarch that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should microaggress one another: and there was given unto him a great phallus.
5 And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black lives matter horse with spinners on it’s hooves; and the (((racist))) that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.
6 And I heard a capitalist voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of GMO wheat for a penny, and three measures of non-fair trade barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the fracked oil and the wine.
7 And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.
8 And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Discrimination, and Anthropogenic Global Warming followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to hurt with words, and with food insecurity, and with lack of single payer care, and with the fascists of the earth.
9 And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of Bernie, and for the testimony which they held:
10 And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O DNC, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the primaries?
11 And robes of color were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellowtravellers also and their xirthren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled.
12 And I beheld when xe had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of culturally appropriated, braided hair, and the moon became as blood;
13 And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a non-GMO, organic fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty AGW caused wind.
14 And the True Socialist State departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.
15 And the politicians of the earth, and the Top. Men., and the rich kulaks and wreckers, and the chief captains, and the mighty fascists, and every welfare recipient, and every libertarian, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;
16 And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of Xe that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the pan-sexual, differentially-abled, undocumented Person of Color:
17 For the great day of Xir wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand without government transfer payments?
