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  • The states and grand juries, Part Two: Historical vignettes of grand juries under siege

    Introduction

    “No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States…” – Fourteenth Amendment, U. S. Constitution

    “No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger…” – Fifth Amendment, U. S. Constitution

    We saw in Part One how, according to the Supreme Court, the Fourteenth Amendment doesn’t require the states to obey the grand-jury clause of the Fifth Amendment. Most of the Bill of Rights has been applied to the state – “incorporated” is the technical term – but not this part.

    (In its incorporation cases, the Supreme Court likes to talk in terms of “due process,” but here’s Justice Clarence Thomas explaining how the Privileges and Immunities Clause is what we should be looking at.)

    For the most part, when the U. S. Supreme Court exempts the states from part of the Bill of Rights, most states don’t take advantage of this. With some exceptions, the states chose on their own to obey the Bill of Rights, even when the Supremes wouldn’t hold them to it – state courts would sometimes interpret some rights differently than the federal courts, but they admitted the rights were applicable, if only as a matter of state law.

    That’s not the case with the grand-jury clause. Here, the Supremes opened the door for the states to disobey this clause, and the states rushed through the open door.

    Between the Civil War and the end of the First World War, many American states amended their constitutions so that suspects could go to trial for serious crimes without the approval of a grand jury (Michigan had started the ball rolling on the eve of the Civil War). This analysis summarizes the situation as of 2014. In most cases, grand juries were kept in reserve in case the prosecutors, in their discretion, wanted to use the grand jury procedure. Only two states – Pennsylvania and Connecticut (I would probably add Michigan) – banned grand juries even as an option (apart from extraordinary cases). Twenty-three holdout states still mandated that certain serious crimes be reviewed by grand juries, at least if the suspect demanded it.

    Rather than give a comprehensive history of the victories of “reformers” who curtailed grand-jury rights in state after state, let me attempt to give some historical vignettes, and tie these vignettes together with some semblance of narrative coherence. Then later, I’ll give an account of the triumph of the reformers in their battle against the grand jury.

     

    The Plessy Judge vs. Grand Juries

    U. S. Supreme Court Justice Henry Billings Brown came to the Court too late to take part in the  Hurtado case, which said the states could limit or abolish the right of a suspect to have his case considered by a grand jury. But Brown was one of the many would-be reformers of that era who wanted the institution of the grand jury largely abolished.

    "Don't let the author of the post fool you - just because I said something doesn't make it wrong...that's just guilt by association! My being wrong was an accident which could have happened to anyone."
    Justice Henry Billings Brown

    Brown gave a speech to the Ohio Bar Association in 1892 that included the judge’s discussion of this issue. Getting rid of grand juries, said Brown, would make criminal procedure more simple and efficient. Brown noted that he had begun his legal career in Connecticut, where grand-jury indictments were only required for crimes punishable with death or life imprisonment. Then Brown boasted of his fifteen-year legal career in Michigan (1860-1875), where grand juries were rarely used and were never required before a defendant could be brought to trial.

    Brown suggested that grand juries may have been necessary in England to protect suspects against false charges by private accusers, but this problem didn’t exist in America. In America there were public prosecutors to bring charges and judges to rule on probable cause, and with these steadfast public servants on the job, Brown triumphantly concluded, grand juries were no longer necessary to shield suspects from wrongful accusations.

    Brown went on to praise trial juries for their power of nullification – they could spare a guilty defendant, if punishing him went against local community norms. Of course, grand juries could perform that function too, sparing worthy but technically guilty suspects from the ordeal of a trial, not to mention saving them many legal expenses. That did not seem to occur to the Justice. “I think the question whether a man in a particular case should be punished for a crime is a question that is properly left to the public,” Brown said. But under Brown’s scheme, the nullification of an unfair charge would have to wait until the end of an excruciating trial for the suspect, since “the public” would only be able to get a word in edgewise after the trial was over. The public would be kept out of the decision of whether to bring charges in the first place.

    Another defect in Brown’s logic is apparent with the growth of the plea-bargaining system, which requires a defendant to gamble on the possibility of a higher sentence if he wants to try his luck with a trial jury.

    Brown concluded his speech with a boast that “[t]he Anglo-Saxon is a slow-moving race, but it rarely takes a step backward. It makes mistakes, but its progress has been in the right direction. No serious mistakes have yet been made.”

    Speaking of serious Anglo-Saxon mistakes: four years after his speech, Brown again showed his ability to have things both ways and to spin nice-sounding legal theories which were oppressive in practice. Brown gave the Supreme Court’s decision in Plessy v. Ferguson. States could pass Jim Crow legislation separating blacks and whites, Brown’s opinion declared, so long as the separate facilities were “equal” (Justice John Marshal Harlan dissented in the Plessy case – Harlan had also defended the right to a grand jury in his dissent in the Hurtado case). Brown had affirmed the importance of equal protection under the law, while negating this principle in practice with his endorsement of racial segregation. In a similar manner, Brown had praised trial juries for their power of nullification, while calling for the abolition of grand juries which were in the best position to nullify charges against a suspect before he could be dragged through the court system.

    Justice Brown gave a great speech, he wrote a textbook on admiralty law, but do they call him Justice Brown the textbook writer? But give one racist decision...
    Plaque on Homer Plessy’s tomb, New Orleans

     

    Grand juries as scapegoats for police abuse

    The fact that one of the most infamous racists in American judicial history wanted to abolish grand juries hasn’t stopped modern, hip and woke activists from throwing the racism charge at grand juries themselves.

    In Minnesota, a proposed state constitutional amendment on the 1904 ballot would abolish the right to a grand jury and empower the legislature to decide how prosecutions were to be initiated – and it was correctly anticipated that the legislature would allow the elected county prosecutors to bring charges without grand jury approval. This concerned an anonymous “Voter,” who wrote to The Princeton Union to warn against the amendment. This voter was more skeptical about the professionalism of prosecutors than Justice Brown had been:

    The grand jury is a body of citizens who are selected regardless of political belief or creed….[T]he law throws around them secrecy in their actions and they are entirely removed from all political taint or influence. It very often happens that county attorneys are not men wholly competent to exercise powers ordinarily delegated to a grand jury. Much of our politics is run on the “good fellow” plan and sometimes men are kept in office for being good fellows or for various reasons, regardless of qualifications or fitness for office….[County attorneys] are human and to say that their judgment in a case would be as good as as that of the members of a grand jury would be to make an extravagant statement.

    This joke is not intended as criticism of any specific living person
    The “good fellow” plan

    A majority of Minnesotans went ahead and approved the amendment despite these arguments, and the legislature proceeded to give county attorneys the option of bringing charges without using grand juries. Grand juries would still be held in reserve if the prosecutor wanted to employ them, but suspects would no longer have the right to have their cases considered by grand juries. The optional system necessarily gives grand juries a bad odor – prosecutors who use grand juries when they don’t have to do so are often hiding behind the grand jurors’ skirts in order to pass the buck for controversial decisions. And sometimes the public falls for it.

    In 2015, two Minneapolis cops confronted and shot Jamar Clark, who died of his injuries. The fact that Clark was black made the issue particularly volatile. Protesters demanded that the county attorney, Mike Freeman, investigate the shooting without involving a grand jury. Freeman had this option thanks to the voters’ decision back in 1904.

    "Please take away rights from these people we don't like!"
    Minneapolis protesters in the Clark case

    The protesters got their wish. Freeman announced that his office would no longer use grand juries when investigating shootings by police. The president of the Minneapolis NAACP, Nekima Levy-Pounds, said:

    I am overjoyed that in this instance Mike Freeman decided to do the right thing. Mike Freeman is fully aware that the grand jury process has been ineffective here and nationally in holding officers accountable. I believe sustained community pressure played a huge role in Mike Freeman’s decision.

    Then Freeman, without the help of a grand jury, announced he wouldn’t be bringing charges. The omission of a grand jury didn’t placate the protesters. An NAACP spokesperson (not Levy-Pounds) said, “You, Mr. Freeman, did not give a fair and accurate portrayal…and let me tell you: If the city burns, it’s on your hands.”

    Last I heard, Minneapolis was still standing, though the shooting did provoke some protests. Nevertheless, cutting the grand jury out of the loop in the Clark case didn’t ease community tensions, or lead to charges being filed (assuming for the sake of argument that charges ought to have been filed).

    The opposition to grand juries was exacerbated when a grand jury in Missouri failed to charge Officer Darren Wilson for shooting Michael Brown. The grand jury’s decision sparked riots. But the Obama/Holder Justice Department, examining the evidence against Wilson, also decided not to bring charges, and there was no grand jury involvement in that decision. So a grand jury took the rap for taking the same position on a racially-charged police shooting as the country’s two top-ranked race-baiters.

    (Click here for an article about a controversy over using grand juries in police-abuse cases in California.)

     

    Grand juries came first

    The grand jury system was itself created through the actions of a would-be reformer, Henry II of England. The ruler who encouraged St. Thomas Becket’s assassination…

    "Stop resisting!"

    …was not a civil libertarian, but he “built better than he knew” in creating the grand jury. Henry was thinking more in terms of law and order when he decreed that panels of his subjects would be summoned and commanded to report about crime in their localities. What Henry wanted was to root out criminals who had managed to evade justice. Before Henry’s decree, bringing alleged criminals to trial in the secular courts required a private accuser to voluntarily come forward, risking punishment if he failed to prove his charge – and risking retaliation from the criminal. Henry knew that there were criminals running around who were known to the general public, but not known to the courts, since nobody had the guts to make a formal accusation. Not to mention that England was an occupied country whose rulers spoke a foreign language (French) and might not be au courant with the news circulating among their English-speaking subjects.

    So Henry II’s early versions of grand juries were required to name people in their area who were believed by the public to be guilty of serious crimes. The grand jurors were not making their own investigations or reaching their own conclusions, but were reporting what was widely believed among their neighbors. Malicious local gossip need not be reported – just the solid consensus of public opinion.

    King Henry, the scourge of the Church, was actually adapting a procedure used in England’s Church courts. The Church’s jurists and reformers borrowed from Roman law the maxim that the public interest required crime to be punished. This was in contrast to the Germanic idea of using the justice system to mitigate blood feuds. The descendants of the Germans who conquered the Western Roman Empire wanted people who had mortal grudges against each other to resolve their differences without dragging entire clans into Hatfield/McCoy style, multigenerational cycles of reprisal and counter-reprisal. So if angry relatives came seeking an alleged murderer, the matter would be settled with a trial by battle (if the feud was among aristocrats) or by some form of ordeal (if the feud was among the lower orders) – putting your hand on a burning piece of iron, getting thrown in water to see if you floated, trying to swallow a morsel of bread after boasting of your innocence (choking=guilt). If these methods didn’t identify the criminal with 100% accuracy, at least it was an agreed-upon method, presided over by priests, to settle the feud and move on. And if a crime didn’t spark a feud, or if the victim or their would-be champions were too weak, then it was like “OK, forget about it and let’s have some more mead.”

    "Are you sure this is mead? It's kind of warm and vinegary."

    The Church’s reformers noticed that a lot of crime was overlooked in this way, and that trial procedures left something to be desired in terms of accuracy. So the Church courts, at least in England, came up with a procedure which seemed to inspire Henry II. Instead of waiting for a private individual to take the initiative and prosecute, the Church’s judges would identify a suspect and summon a panel of the suspect’s neighbors to see if public opinion regarded the person as a criminal. If the community wasn’t fairly solid in believing that the suspect committed the crime in question, that was the end of the matter – or rather, any crimes would have to be settled in the “internal forum” (the confessional). But if the community witnesses were like, “yeah, everyone thinks he did it,” then that counted as “fama” – the equivalent of a formal accusation – and a trial would begin.

    King Henry thought that was a good idea, so he created his early version of the grand jury to report to the secular courts about those people whom local public opinion identified as serious criminals. If a person was so reported, the accused would undergo an ordeal – apparently the throw-them-in-water-to-see-if-they-drown ordeal – because the criminal trial jury hadn’t been invented yet. Yes, in criminal cases there was only one jury, and that was the ancestor of the grand jury – and unless you put your reliance in the cold-water ordeal, you better hope that public opinion, as reflected by the grand jury’s accusation, was accurate.

    If they weren't immersed in cold water in ordeals, medieval people would never have taken baths at all
    “So if the water receives my body, I’m innocent? And if I float, I’m guilty, and you execute me? It’s a good thing the grand jury correctly identified me as the murderer, otherwise I’d be really annoyed at this whole procedure.”

    The creation of the English criminal jury was kind of forced on England by the Church. The Fourth Lateran Council in 1215, decided that priests should not preside at ordeals – because priests shouldn’t be shedding blood and because ordeals were not always reliable anyway. Without priests to bless the water ordeal, the practice fell into disuse, and so the English started using trial juries to decide the guilt or innocence of people who had been charged by grand juries with serious crimes.

    Another important decision of the Fourth Lateran Council was in clarifying how church courts would go about ascertaining whether a suspect had a reputation as a criminal, so that the court could proceed in the absence of an individual accuser. It wasn’t enough if the rumors against the suspect were generated by “enemies and slanderers” – the public accusations had to come from “prudent and honest persons, not once only, but often.” Commentators gave Biblical examples: the clamor against the sinners of Sodom and Gomorrah, which prompted God to investigate (Genesis 18:20), and the complaints against the steward in Luke 16:1, which prompted the master to demand an accounting from the steward.

    Since the creation of secular grand juries in England had probably been prompted by church-court procedure, it is not surprising that grand juries, acting on the same principles as the Fourth Vatican Council, undertook to distinguish between true and false public opinion. As the grand jury evolved, it came to do its own investigation, not simply reporting what their neighbors believed. Grand jurors were becoming the representatives of responsible public opinion by acting as “prudent and honest persons” and seeking reliable evidence about suspects.

    But at least people who were accused by grand juries could now look forward to a full trial by another jury, not simply an arbitrary procedure like the water ordeal where one prevails only through blind good fortune. Even today, a small proportion of those who are indicted by grand juries go on to have their cases heard by a trial jury (the rest, of course, resolve their cases by plea-bargains, where the result totally isn’t arbitrary).

     

    Works Consulted

    Bab(b)ington Family – Descendants of John de Babington, http://members.iinet.net.au/~billeah/babingdesc.html

    Henry Billings Brown, “Justice Brown’s Address,” in Proceedings of the Ohio State Bar Association, 13:35-51 (July, 1892).

    Rebecca V. Colman, “Reason and Unreason in Early Medieval Law,” Journal of Interdisciplinary History, 4.4 (Spring, 1974), 571-591.

    Nathan T. Elliff, “Notes on the Abolition of the English Grand Jury,” Journal of Criminal Law and Criminology, Volume 29,Issue 1 (May-June) Summer 1938.

    Richard M. Fraher, “The Theoretical Justification for the New Criminal Law of the High Middle Ages: ‘Rei Publicae Interest, Ne Crimina Remaneant Impunita’” (1984). Articles by Maurer Faculty. 1854.
    http://www.repository.law.indiana.edu/facpub/1854

    Richard. H. Helmholz, “The Early History of the Grand Jury and the Canon Law,” 50 University of Chicago Law Review 613 (1983), online at http://chicagounbound.uchicago.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2484&context=journal_articles

    Finbarr McAuley, “Canon Law and the End of the Ordeal.” Oxford Journal of Legal Studies, Vol. 26, Issue 3, pp. 473-513, 2006.

    Kenneth Pennington, “Introduction to the Courts,” in Wilfried Hartmann and Kenneth Pennington (eds.), The History of Courts and Procedure in Medieval Canon Law. Washington, D. C.: Catholic University of America Press, 2016.

    “Proposed Amendments to the Constitution of Minnesota,” Cook County Herald (Grand Marais, Minn)., Oct. 22, 1904, p. 8, column 1.

    “Shall we abolish the grand jury,” The Princeton union, October 06, 1904, p. 3, column 2, http://bit.ly/2strpg7

    Suja A. Thomas, The Missing American Jury: Restoring the Fundamental Constitutional Role of the Criminal, Civil, and Grand Juries. New York: Cambridge University Press, 2016.

    ___________, Nonincorporation: The Bill of Rights after McDonald v. Chicago, Notre Dame Law Review, Vol. 88, 2012.

    Richard D. Younger, The people’s panel: the Grand Jury in the United States, 1634-1941. Providence, RI: American History Research Center, Brown University Press, 1963.

  • Monday Morning Links

    Well we’ve reached the All-Star Break and have two teams with 60 wins after the Astros demolished the Blue Jays yesterday to split the four-game series.  Even money says there will not be a Dodgers-Astros World Series. Any takers?

    And after a couple of close calls on Saturday in the women’s tournament, we are on to week 2 of Wimbledon. And I can see an upset or two happening today.  Probably not in the man’s draw though. I suspect that will hold form until at least the quarterfinals.

    Also, people are riding bikes across France, but I can’t be bothered to tune in. I don’t really know any of the cyclists anymore and there aren’t any of them peddling wristbands for social signaling. And without that, what’s really the point?

    This is what the Phoenix heat does to people

    That’s it for sportzball. Now let’s dive into…the links!

    We’ve pondered making up some Glibertarians hats, but are afraid whichever one of you this was would have kept it on when you went haywire.

    International Olympic Committee to Rio de Janeiro: go piss up a rope. And yet there are still cities and countries dumb enough to beg them for attention.

    Looks like Comey deliberately leaked classified information when he decided to leak his version of conversations with President Trump to the New York Times. Lucky for him the special prosecutor involved in the whole Russian interference investigation is a close buddy of his.

    Due process? We don’t need no stinkin’ due process! The comments aren’t exactly reassuring either.

    BRAAAAAINS!

    That’s an unbearable way to be waken up. I don’t know what else to say.

    This will probably dominate the news day, so I may as well touch on it too. The story as I see it: somebody called on Donald Trump Jr. and said she had damning info on Hillary Clinton. He agreed to meet her and invited Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner to the meeting as well. The lady they were meeting, a Russian attorney, rambled on for a few minutes and then went into a spiel about overturning a law we passed some years ago that led to Russia not allowing adoptions of Russian kids by American families. The meeting lasted 20 minutes and adjourned. Now that person is alleged to have ties to the Opposition research firm the DNC hired that created the fake dossier on Trump about him liking women to piss on him and other stuff, none of which has even come close to being verified. And I’m supposed to be outraged, somehow. Because according to the ranking Dem member on the House intel committee:

    “There’s no reason for this Russian government advocate to be meeting with Paul Manafort or with Mr. Kushner or the president’s son if it wasn’t about the campaign and Russia policy,” Mr. Schiff said after the initial Times report.

     I guess he has a problem with free association. And I’m sure nobody in his party has ever taken a meeting with someone saying they have dirt on a political foe. It was unheard of until Donald Trump sullied the political landscape.  Except, you know, for the fact that the DNC and RNC have both hired people to dig up personal dirt on opponents since forever.
    Anyway, that’s all for the links, except this one. But I’ll warn you: its a sham.
    That’s all for the links. Have a hell of a day.
    Gratuitous “America, fuck yeah!” photo.
  • STEVE SMITH SUNDAY EVENING SUBSTITUTE LINKS

    STEVE SMITH FILLING IN FOR FUNNY STONE HEAD. HE TOO BUSY FLYING AROUND IN CIRCLES… FIGURE 8S? IT ALL SAME TO STEVE SMITH. STEVE SMITH PREFER MORE LINEAR OR SERPENTINE ROUTES, WHEN CHASING DOWN HIKERS TO LOVE. AND BY “LOVE”, MEAN “RAPE”.

    SINCE STEVE SMITH CAN’T REACH YOU (YET) HE GIVE YOU SOME LINKS INSTEAD.

    • STEVE SMITH LONG FOR OWN COUNTRY. STEVE SMITH COULD BE NATIONAL RAPESQUATCH!
    • STEVE SMITH SUGGEST NEW YORK PEOPLE COME TO NORTHWEST WOODS – THEN THEY CAN HAVE REAL “SUMMER OF HELL”. AND BY “HELL” MEAN “RAPE”.
    • MAN WITH MOOBS NOT LIKE ANYONE TO DO THINGS WITHOUT RULES.
    • STEVE SMITH NEED TO GO TO ENGLAND AND RAPE VARIOUS NHS PEOPLE, AND JUDGES.

    STEVE SMITH GO NOW – MIGHT HEAR LUCKY HIKER COMING UP TRAIL. AND BY “LUCKY”, MEAN “SOON RAPED”.

  • Sunday Morning Links of Return

    SP and I go away for a few days and everything goes to shit. Never mind, we’re back from our latest glamorous trip, this time to Kansas City and Eldon, Iowa, and we should be able to handle Missing Links and Site Hacks with a degree of alacrity.

    Now you might ask, why Eldon, Iowa? If, like us, you’re an art geek, that question needs no answer. If not, look up Regionalism, which is my favorite art movement. And of the three great Regionalists (Curry, Benton, and Wood), I have the deepest love for the work of Grant Wood. The setup in Eldon is great- they’ll even loan you pitchforks and costumes to pose in front of the house. SP refused, but I’ll come back with the daughter-unit (webdominatrix) who has no hesitation about looking ridiculous with her dad.

    OK, none of this is relevant when there’s news afoot! But still, art geek here.

    Why does this remind me of the constant stream of stories about how the “number two” in command of ISIS or Al Qaeda or whatever gang has gotten killed? Maybe it’s true this time, who knows. But what is certainly true is we’re still there. Trump seems to show no signs of extricating us from the Bush/Obama Undeclared Forever Wars. This seems to concern Progressives far less than tinfoil hat conspiracy theories about why their warmonger’s campaign tactics last year were exposed.

    And I predict that this latest Ceasefire To End The War will work just as well as the last dozen of them. I’m so happy our last election prevented the interventionist Clinton from escalating our involvement in… never mind. This is one of the most frustrating things about being a libertarian- no matter who gets elected, we lose.

    Nice to know that German progs are just as stupid, annoying, and ineffective as our homegrown ones.

    Unions, always at the vanguard of progress.

    Don’t know if this already got linked or not, but if so, it’s worth doing again. The perfect story to demonstrate why regulation beyond the bare minimum and giving state power to bureaucrats never ends well.

    Feel free to ignore all of this and post kitten and puppy videos.

  • ZARDOZ SATURDAY EVENING LINKS

    ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ GOT IN GOOD PRACTICE FOR FIGURE 8 RACE NEXT WEEK AT WEBSTER COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS. ZARDOZ APPARENTLY HAS STIRRED FEAR IN BRUTAL COMPETITORS. ZARDOZ HEARD THAT BRUTAL FROM MASON CITY IS TRYING TO SPEAK IN DEROGATORY TERMS ABOUT RACING ZARDOZ…SOMETHING ABOUT BIG HEAD WON’T BE SO BIG AFTER DEFEAT. ZARDOZ SCOFFS AT BRUTAL COMPETITOR. BEFORE TRAVELING TO TRACK FOR MORE PRACTICE, ZARDOZ GIVE LINKS TO HIS CHOSEN ONES.

    • ZARDOZ NOT SURPRISED AT DEATH OF BRUTALS, BUT IS SURPRISED AT SEEING TERM “LEBANESE ARMY PROSECUTOR”. ZARDOZ THINKS THAT IS WORSE THAN BEING BRUTAL SLAVE GROWING GRAIN FOR ETERNALS.
    • ZARDOZ APPROVES OF THINNING OF THESE BRUTALS RANKS. REMEMBER, THE GUN IS GOOD.
    • ZARDOZ SUGGESTS TO BRUTAL SCIENTISTS THAT THE NEW PARTICLE BE NAMED THE “ZARDOZDRON”.
    • ZARDOZ LAUGHS AT BRUTAL NEWSPAPERS. OF COURSE, ZARDOZ LOOKS DOWN AT MOST BRUTALS. HIS CHOSEN ONES EXCEPTED, OF COURSE.

    ZARDOZ WISHES HIS CHOSEN ONES A GOOD NIGHT…BACK TO THE TRACK FOR ZARDOZ.

  • Saturday Somewhat Still Morning Links

    Good Late Morning, Glibs.  I am not 100% sure who had link duty, so I am assuming I screwed the pooch and will give some now.

    • If at first and second you don’t succeed…try again!
    • Socialist compassion in the Big Apple?
    • A new terrorist organization/separatist group??? Cornwall…WTF?
    • Er, ma’am, your bum is showing.

    OK, commence to snarking and posting your own links, you rabble!

  • ZARDOZ FRIDAY NIGHT LINKS

    ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. ZARDOZ HAS HAD A SLIGHT CHANGE OF PLANS. AFTER ZARDOZ EXPLAINED TO BRUTAL CO-WORKERS THAT DRAG RACING SEEMED TOO TOUGH, THEY SUGGESTED THE FIGURE 8 RACE. THIS ZARDOZ APPROVES OF.

    SATURDAY NIGHT – ZARDOZ WILL RACE… BE THERE!

    ZARDOZ’S GRAVITONIC DRIVE WILL ALLOW ZARDOZ TO CLEANSE THE OPPOSITION! BEFORE ZARDOZ TAKES A FEW HOVERS AROUND THE TRACK, HE GRANTS LINKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES.

    • THE GUN IS GOOD, THE PENIS IS EVIL AND WINE IS…A BRUTAL PRESERVATIVE?
    • LOOK UPON THE BRUTAL NATION OF VENEZUELA AND DESPAIR.
    • ZARDOZ IS UNAWARE IF THIS BRUTAL ASKED OTHER BRUTALS TO HOLD HIS FERMENTED GRAIN BEVERAGE.
    • CHIEF BRUTAL OF LARGE CITY SHOWS LACK OF SKILLS IN OPTICS.

    ZARDOZ MUST CONTEMPLATE HOW TO GET TATTOOS OF “BABY” AND “HEY”, SINCE ZARDOZ HAS NO ARMS.

  • Firearms Friday: Freedom Free For All

    Originally I was going to post about my experience shooting my new Mossberg Shockwave that I got this week. Unfortunately, after buying $200 worth of ammo and driving 30 minutes out into the desert I find out that it’s closed to target shooters due to extreme fire hazard. I guess all those taxes I pay don’t actually mean they go and put the fires out. Not that I’m bitter or anything. Then I thought I would celebrate Independence day and make a post about the guns of the American Revolution. It turns out that’s actually a pretty boring topic overall, with one notable exception I’ll mention below. So, I’m phoning it in this week with a hodgepodge of random gun tidbits. Think of it like the evening links, but gun themed. ZARDOZ would be proud.

    • The new Tavor 7. Fuck to the Yes!

      The Hearing Protection Act is back! This time it’s called the SHUSH Act. That’s an acronym for Silencers Helping Us Save Hearing. I swear to god I picked the wrong line of work. No idea on the odds of this passing, but I sure hope it goes somewhere.

    • IWI announced they will be producing my favorite gun in 308. The new Tavor 7 will be 100% user reversible from right to left handed and be almost entirely ambidextrous. If this thing comes in at or below $2000 they are going to sell like ice water in hell.
    • Apparently the American Revolution was the birthplace of military sniping. Using Kentucky Long Rifles, American soldiers were able to pick off British officers from the treeline while the redcoats strutted around the open fields on horseback. There’s even one story of a particularly gifted individual making a kill shot from 400 yards, which quite frankly I would be hard pressed to do with a modern gun.
    • Speaking of snipers, no matter how tough you are, you aren’t as tough as this chick. I know I would have needed a new pair of depends after that.

    One final thing I wanted to mention before I go. Someone mentioned this in the comments yesterday so I thought I would take a few minutes to tell you about the can cannon. It is an AR 15 upper receiver that attaches to any milspec lower and fires blanks. What good is a blank firing upper? By itself, it’s fucking useless. The can cannon, however, is designed to accept standard 12 ounce soda cans. It can launch these cans a phenomenal distance and they explode quite spectacularly at the end. It isn’t limited to cans, though. Tennis balls, apples, and just about anything you can cram into the sucker will launch when fired. They even make grappling hooks that load into the can cannon, for all your 80s ninja/mission impossible fantasies. Here’s a little demonstration video.

    While these things look fun, they aren’t cheap. Right now they’re damn near $400 for the regular upper and almost $550 for the XL version. That’s a lot of scratch. I have some good news, though. If you want the fun of the can cannon but don’t have that kind of scratch, NCstar has you covered. For a mere $25 on Amazon you can pick up your very own golf ball launcher. This puppy will thread onto your AR barrel (or any barrel that uses AR threads) and let you drive those balls farther than Tiger Woods from 10 years ago. Just like with the can cannon, you can stuff whatever you want in there and see if it launches, but I would be a little more careful with this version. For one, there’s nothing stopping you from loading a live round instead of a blank, and that could cause some serious damage depending on what you have lodged in the launcher. The other issue is if something goes wrong and the gas can’t escape from the launcher it’s probably going to split your barrel, which will almost certainly wreck your day. Still, for 25 bucks you really can’t beat it, and in theory you can use it on any gun you want, not just ARs.

     

     

  • The Hat and The Hair: Episode 51

    “Are you nervous about seeing Vlad again?” the hair asked.

    “No,” Donald replied waspishly. “Hashtag Fakenews. Sad.”

    “Don’t Twitter at me, Donald,” the hair told him. “You haven’t seen him since the primary and I was worried that you might be a little nervous.” He had been left on the nightstand and the numerals of the clock radio lit him from behind with a soft red glow.

    “I don’t wanna talk about it,” Donald insisted. He rolled away from the nightstand and pulled the hotel duvet over his bald head.

    “Donald,” the hair persisted.

    “Go away,” he mumbled.

    “Donald, you really need to work out your feelings about Vlad before you see him later. You too had a very long relationship that you had to hide the entire time.”

    “Will Angela be there?” the lump of bedclothes asked.

    “ANG-e-la, Donald. It’s pronounced ‘ANG-e-la.’ Imagine you are swallowing a live guinea pig when you say it.”

    “I don’t think Arugula likes me very much,” Donald whispered. The hair sighed wearily.

    “She is in awe of your Presidential powers,” the hat murmured sleepily.

    “Yes, I’m sure that’s what it is,” the hair said dryly.

    “Wear me when you see Vlad, Donald,” the hat said. “I’m not scared of him.”

    “I’m not scared of him either!” Donald groused. The Service Service agent curled up on the end of the bed whimpered.

    “Not scared, Donald,” the hair said. “Nervous. The two of you used to be… together. It can be tough seeing someone like that.”

    “Oh, God,” the hat groaned. “He’s not some teenage faggot mooning over a quarterback. Stop handling him with kid gloves.”

    “Donald,” the hat said from the bedpost, “You go in there and you act like a man. An adult goddamn man. You say, “Vlad, give me what I want or I’m going to fuck you and fuck you hard. I’m going to ride you around this room until with have an agreement on Syria. I’m not going to let up on you one little bit, not even if you beg me.”

    “What’s the safe word?” the hair asked.

    “Safe word? Don’t be an asshole, hairball. I’m talking about hardball negotiation tactics. I’m talking about taking what you want, not asking for it.” The hat was getting louder and louder. There was a soft knock on the door.

    “Mr. President?” a distant voice asked.

    “The Art of the Deal!” Donald yelled at the door. After a moment, soft footsteps headed away.

    “That’s it, Donald,” the hat said. “Give it to them hard!”

    “Isn’t there a 4chan board you should be scanning for gifs?” the hair asked.

    “I’m gonna fuck you up like CNN, motherfucker!”

    “I’m trying to sleep here!” Donald said. When he rolled over and kicked the sheets off, the Secret Service agent hit the floor with a startled yelp.