Gather round, young children, and I’ll tell you a tale. A tale full of treachery and intrigue, mighty heroes and dastardly villains, sung to the tune of the USA PATRIOT Act’s Section 326. A harrowing account of your intrepid author’s attempts to perform a simple act, made not-so-simple by the never-ending meddling of the federal government.
Over the last several weeks, it has been my sworn and sacred duty to set up a small business banking account for our Glibertarian enterprise. Setting up a bank account should, in theory, be an easy enough exercise. One waltzes into a bank; puts hands on hips in the lobby and demands in a loud, commanding voice, “Ho, there! I require the services of a money lender! Make haste, for I have pressing affairs to attend to with the apothecary upon the satisfactory conclusion of our business!”; gives some information; and deposits some money. That is precisely how things worked the last time I had to open a bank account.
Of course, preliminary research had to be conducted. Only one of us is actually made of money (I’ll let you try to guess who!), so the majority of my time was spent on the internet and over the phone with different institutions trying to find an actually free small business checking account. The majority advertise themselves as free, but once you get into the weeds a bit during the enrollment process, it turns out they are free only so long as you meet a variety of requirements, none of which are likely to occur with our current business model.
And yet, I persisted. Finally landing upon a local bank that, so far as I could tell, had actual, honest-to-Zardoz free small business checking, I gallantly sacrificed my entire lunch break to go speak with these generous merchants of monetary services. I walked into the lobby which, being the middle of a weekday, was largely empty. A thick-set manager in an off-the-rack suit quickly hurried over to me, vigorously shook my hand, and assured me that his underling would be able to attend to our needs. When asking what our business was, I explained that we run a website giving political and pop culture commentary. Why how wonderful! Did you know that the manager was a journalism major? It’s so important for there to be as many voices as possible giving great, down-the-line political commentary, to fight the nefarious tide of fake news!
Bolstered by his enthusiasm and feeling mightily proud of myself for helping to selflessly bring the hard, unvarnished truth to a grateful readership (though given some of the comments made during his rambling glad-handing, I suspect he would not have been so generous with praise if he knew the direction in which our political commentary flows), I sat down comfortably with his associate to begin the process.
Now, as you may or may not know, the leadership of our merry band is scattered across these United States. I explained that not only myself, but a handful of other individuals in various states would need to be signatories on this account. I thought this could be accomplished through digital signatures, faxes, etc. It is here that the first act closes, and the central conflict begins.
The banker looked at me with a nervous smile. “Is there any chance of your associates being able to come in to one of our branches?”
“None at all,” I replied, “and frankly I think it quite racist of you to ask*.”
“I’ll need to speak to my manager. Please excuse me for a moment.”
*thundering denunciation* “YES, YOU SPEAK WITH YOUR MASTER, VULGAR HIRELING, AND TELL HIM THAT I WOULD SPEAK WITH HIM FORTHWITH!”
Some five minutes pass in hushed consultation. There are no other customers in the bank. I nonchalantly begin to inspect the windows and doors at the edge of my vision, to plan my escape, if it turns out that my growing suspicions are true, and I have wondered into a clan of vampires or ghouls using a regional bank as a front to draw in potential victims.
Meaty Manager avalanches back across the room, with an exasperated look upon his reddened ground chuck face.
“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid we’ll not be able to meet your needs.”
“Excuse me?” I replied, momentarily dumbstruck.
“It’s the PATRIOT Act, you see…” and he then begins to tell me of a curse that the Great Tribe has laid upon he and all his kind.
In 2001 of the Western reckoning of years, as many of you may recall, our great nation was paid a friendly visit by some rather motivated Mohammedans who, through a series of peculiar mishaps, wound up killing thousands of innocent people. The immediate and predictable response to this, was for our Federal Government, Beloved by All, to pass an enormous omnibus bill full of things like indefinite detention and a host of new regulations on a wide variety of industries. If they hated us for our freedom, we had found a most ingenious method by which to defuse their wrath – simply get rid of the offending freedoms.
In this behemoth of a law lies section 326, dealing with the establishment of what is known as a Customer Identification Program. Now before establishing accounts, banks are required to, and held liable for, making strong efforts to establish the identify of their customers. The exact methods by which they do this are left up to the individual institutions. According to the text of the act itself, it sounds easy enough to perform using only legal documents. However, Meaty Manager explained to me that practically all banks, particularly those who are only regional players and who cannot afford to buy off entire branches of government, generally are held to much tighter restrictions by their compliance departments, lest they find themselves on the wrong end of a federal inquiry. And so, without having the opportunity to actually see each of the individuals face to face and have a chat with them, they simply could not pass muster using their bank’s particular CIP rules. There was no way, you see, for them to have faith that we were not drug dealers or terrorists (he mentioned those two professions explicitly, showing an interesting creep from Fighting Terrorism to Eh, the Tool is Already There, Might As Well Use It to Fight Drugs).
Gathering what dignity remained to me, I indignantly declared to him that such was foolishness in the age of internet business, and that surely a great catastrophe (in the form of lack of growth) would befall his institution if it continued in this folly. Meaty Manager could only smile and give me a Gallic shrug, as if to suggest that, if such were the vicissitudes of fate, then he would suffer what he must.
On my way out the door, Meaty Manager did offer one piece of parting advice. He suggested to consult with a bank whose reach extends across all the lands, so that there would be outposts near any person that we decided needed official access. Perhaps then, could their identities be properly ascertained to the King’s satisfaction.
Thoroughly demoralized at this point, your dogged author decided to follow the suited mound’s advice and talk to a big bank. And so, this past Saturday morn, I found myself in the lobby of a Major National Bank. After waiting for some time, I was finally introduced to Paul**, the small business banking representative. I explained to him right away the issue I had had previously, and he agreed it was an obstacle.
There followed two hours, and I am not kidding or engaging in hyperbole there, in which I was interrogated by Paul and his Manager (I was by now convinced that every man who works in a bank has the exact same physical build). I explained more than once what our business did. I showed them the site. I explained about the concept of the Internet, and how it came to be that many different people, only a few of whom have ever met in person, can reside in different states and still all have interest in a shared venture. I was asked more than once some questions that sounded suspiciously like they were going to lead to “gotcha!” moments had I answered differently, some about drugs and some about terrorism. It was, frankly, ludicrous.
I asked why I was being treated this way. Same story, different day: PATRIOT Act, section 326. We don’t Know you. How can we Know your compatriots when they aren’t even here? Was I aware how deeply suspicious this entire thing was? Why, did I know that some young dissidents have used otherwise seemingly innocuous websites to sell the Devil’s own concoctions? What nerve had I, to come in here proclaiming my own innocence, when all of my actions so clearly speak to the contrary!
I shall not bore you with further details; suffice to say that due to some stern negotiations and my resolve to not leave without a deal in hand, one hour after the bank closed, I left with a newly established account, and a series of addendums that I could mail to my compatriots that which, upon completion in front of a notary, would then suffice to establish identity for banking purposes. You see, the Financial Crimes Enforcement Network’s FAQ on the CIP allows for a bank to rely on the good offices of a third party for purposes of establishing identity. However, the bank is held responsible if the third party’s methods are found to be insufficient or unsound. As such, few banks are willing to take such a risk. However, when it comes to dislodging an agitated libertarian from your place of business after the automatically timed overhead lights have already extinguished, it appears they were willing to make an exception.
TL;DR version: apparently starting a small business with partners in different states is now considered to essentially be drug-running or terrorism related unless and until proven otherwise. This helps to preserve our freedom after 9/11. Be grateful the King is there to see all, and to protect us from the evils that lurk in the dark.
All information used to write this article that was not gleaned from my personal experience was obtained here and here, if you want to ruin your Sunday afternoon reading through it. Having already done so, I wouldn’t recommend it.
*conversations may not have occurred precisely as recounted
**names have been changed to protect the barely competent
Comments
145 responses to “Being An Account of My Most Arduous Attempts to Establish a Relationship with International Jewry”
When I saw the title, I thought it was going to be a submission from Mrs. OMWC.
She’s already been screwed by the Jews.
I thought it might have been the story of your courtship.
There was nothing arduous in that attempt.
So, you’re kinda easy, is that what you’re saying?
/looks up the superlative for “easy”
Jews never reveal the deceit and trickery employed in the seduction of gentile women. And with an ass like that, we *know* she’s a gentile.
Should I feel bad about myself for laughing really hard at the caption? Maybe I should go eat a knish for lunch or something.
Don’t worry, I saved the picture and sent it to some buddies.
But did he graduate from Columbia? Well, smart guy?
In the 4th paragraph? What you did there? I sees it.
; )
Gojira supports HRC confirmed!
If you think this is bad, you should try opening a gun store or firearms manufacturer. Most banks treat you like you just said you wanted to open an orphan processing plant.
I clicked, because of the girly picture. But, now I’m confused.
I just really like that picture, and will probably use it in like 1/3 of my posts, regardless of content.
I approve!
Agreed. Suggestion: an entire post of girly pictures. That’s a formal pitch
Well, we do have Thicc Thursday.
Sultry Sunday
Madame and Manly Monday
Ruby Tuesday
Wicked Wednesday
Thicc Thursday
Freaky and Furry Friday
Sinful Saturday
Go on…
JFC…can we just keep Mondays for us cishet women and non-cishet men?
If Ruby Tuesday is gingers, I’m in.
Nope. It’s just video of Rolling Stone karaoke by commenters as they crying in their cars in the rain and drive around.
My friends know that I like that picture because they often tell me, you’re an ass, man.
*applause*
WHAT? AND YOU DIDN’T LEAVE THEM CARDS TO VISIT THE SITE ON THEIR LUNCH BREAKS?
Missed opportunity. What kind of business venture is this?
He suggested to consult with a bank whose reach extends across all the lands, so that there would be outposts near any person that we decided needed official access.
Bank of America; it has America right in its name! They’ll help you, Shirley.
Well done, dope fiend. Your secret is safe with me.
We prefer “meth merchant”.
“…I explained more than once what our business did. I showed them the site. I explained about the concept of the Internet, and how it came to be that many different people, only a few of whom have ever met in person, can reside in different states and still all have interest in a shared venture.”
Did you use sock puppets and stick people to further illustrate the masthead and objective of this site?
I find sock puppets with hair to be most effective.
Minority sock puppets with strangely outdated clothing?
He had some of his orphans explain it via interpretive dance.
You’d be surprise at how effective a whip can be.
Not me.
I’m well-aware. Some might even say “woke.”
But would you stampeded cattle through the Vatican ?
Kinky.
As an Englishman, I can say that no, I’m not surprised at all.
+rum, +sodomy
Don’t forget the public school education …
I showed them the site.
That was the mistake, right there.
Let me guess:
Thicc Thursday was the top post.
SugarFree story.
You know, we’re actually more of a social club than a legitmate business. I’m not saying the giant scaly one is wrong, but we are in fact putting together a site for people who hate the government to collaborate with no apparent profit motive.
Quite, Susan Rice may be listening
Quite, Susan Rice
may beis most certainly listeningI don’t know what you guys are talking about. Didn’t Obama promise to revisit that whole Patriot Act thing in 2008 or something? The Bringer of Light, Receder of Oceans took care of all this.
Chief Bull Shit Talks From Ass handled everything.
“…apparently starting a small business with partners in different states is now considered to essentially be drug-running or terrorism related unless and until proven otherwise.”
The terrorists won in case anyone is bothering to keep score.
You should send a copy of this to Steve Bannon. He’ll know what to do.
A Final Solution to the problem, if you will.
lol
Seriously, that’s the first time I laughed out loud today.
I’m sure he will have the final solution for our banking problems.
I did, discretely, try to recommend a Swiss bank…but FATCA has made that a no-go.
Land of the free, huh.
I undergo something like 16 hours of compliance training annually on the subject of “Know Your Customer”, and another 16 on the anti-money-laundering + anti-terrorism regulations.
And so does almost everyone even tangentially related to the financial services industry, whether they actually open client-accounts or not. (*assistants who work for people who DO open client accounts are similarly obligated).
You have no idea how depressing/entertaining the compliance process is. The standard joke is,
“Allah Mustapha Hussain Osama al Escobar desires to open an account with you, do you =
a) accept suitcases full of bloodstained $100 bills and promise to get paperwork later?
b) accept assurances that “he truly loves America and is not at all offended by its shameless decadence or the whorish women allowed to roam free and uncovered”, and so not worry about his current immigration-status or citizenship?
c) avoid asking embarrassing questions about his “JIHAD IS THE ONLY WAY”-t-shirt because you’re concerned about being “politically incorrect”?
d) [blink tag]Escalate to your supervisor[/blink tag]
hint = the answer is always the one with ‘escalate’ in it. that’s how dumb most people in FS are.
::Takes notes for the 7::
I just want to say that i think it would be awesome if we could have a regular column written in the voice of a medieval aristocratic personage
sorry, mis-threaded
jesus @#$()@* christ i can’t stop doing it.
my reply to you was going to be something more along the lines of ‘series 7 asks questions about suitability’ but isn’t much concerned with the anti-terror/money-laundering stuff
https://www.wnj.com/Publications/New-FINRA-Rules-on-Knowing-Your-Customer-and
FINRA? Bah, I answer to FINMA.
“Will your deposit today be in cash, diamonds, or trainload of jewish gold?”
Meh. The guy with the suitcases is trying to entrap you.
Everyone knows old fashioned carpetbags are what the pros use because the fabric absorbs the bloodstains, especially the ones with red paisley designs.
Sounds like the “training” I receive since I work with health insurance information.
I once proposed to do our entire employee orientation in less than 5 minutes, with a single powerpoint slide featuring three bullets:
*Do what you are told
*Don’t be an idiot
*Unless Bob [our CEO] says otherwise
Even though nobody could really point out any material omissions from our standard full day orientation, my proposal was rejected.
Enough about your stupid story. More Buttgirl plz.
I was more focused on the camel toe
As one should be
If we weren’t on a watch list before, we sure as hell are now.
We’re all on all of the list. I’d actually be embarrassed if we weren’t.
If everyone’s on the list, no one’s on the list.
“We’re all on all of the list. I’d actually be embarrassed if we weren’t.”
This^
You can bet your ass we are on some list, and you can bet your ass we are stalked. I’ve said it before but here it is again. If you want to k now what the left is up to just listen to what they are accusing their enemies of doing. You can bet your last dollar that is exactly what they are doing. Sometime this past weekend I heard some pinko bobble head pol say that one of the way the ruskies stole the election was by hiring an army of trolls on the internet. The first thing that popped in my head was ‘Tony’ and ‘Shreek’ and those occasional lazy drive-by’s.
Did you try the Frostbite Falls branch of the Farmers and Swineherds National Bank? I hear they’ll take *anybody’s* money.
accept suitcases full of bloodstained $100 bills and promise to get paperwork later?
“Suitcase? What suitcase? I’ve never set eyes on this man before.”
Not sure why OMWC didn’t handle this.
Kiss o’ death. They’ve been reading my Jewsday posts.
Always get the money first. I shouldn’t have to tell you this.
Mr. Lizard could have hooked you up as well.
Gojira. Aren’t you related to the Lizard overlords well? Why don’t you just use your secret skeleton key to the treasury you all have? I’m starting to doubt this whole episode even happened. I’m supposed to believe a Lizard and a Jew can’t open a bank account?
Professional rivalry, for the most part.
He could have at least taught Gojira the secret (((hand shake))) before sending him in.
Is this a good time for me to mention that my real life job is BSA compliance officer? Probably not. Anywho, might I ask if why you didn’t look to a credit union* rather than a bank? Credit unions rarely have minimum balance requirements above $10-$20 bucks and typically don’t charge monthly service charges. Through Shared Services the various signors could have transacted business from wherever you are and credit unions are far more member friendly than banks are customer friendly. Just a thought for the future.
*BTW, I work for a credit union.
My my, what a lot of moneygrubbers we Glibs are.
“”compliance officer””
hissssssssss!!
Our compliance team love me. When a business unit has a set of requirements for anything that is even remotely client-facing, my default answer is “No, you can’t have that”.
I’m a real time-saver.
But all our competitors do it! Without it, we can’t compete…
– conversation I’ve had many times…
I went to two. It was my first choice, actually, as I belong to one, as well, and would have preferred to keep it with an institution that I already had a relationship with.
Neither mine, nor the second one I went to, offered business accounts, which is what we needed. I assumed after speaking with the banks that I would have run into the same CIP problems.
I didn’t realize that many credit unions don’t open business accounts. We do but I suspect it is because it allows us to get around being a “closed” credit union. We are only open to members of the building trades unions and their families but if one of those family members opens a business account all of their employees are eligible for membership whether they otherwise qualify or not. I’ve noticed that a lot of credit unions have little exceptions that allow them to get around their membership rules. I have two “closed” credit unions that I’m eligible to be a member of because I live in an “under served” community although my tiny little town has a dozen different banks within a ten mile radius in addition to the two credit unions.
CIP is what it is and there is no way around it but there are ways to make it easier. While we require anything not signed at the credit union to be notarized we would have faxed or emailed documents and would accept faxed/emailed documents in return and opened the account while waiting to receive the originals later. My first gig in banking was at a “super regional” straight out of college. This was a decade or three ago and back then as a loan officer (consumer, mortgage and the occasional small business) we did everything based on the customer’s word. If current day examiners saw how we used to do things the shock alone would turn them into a puddle of rancid water. Things aren’t as bad now as they were immediately after 9/11 but I don’t ever see us going back to the days when common sense ruled the day.
Yo. I’m a compliance officer, too. Just temporarily, though – I’m angling for the noncompliant officer position, which is a better fit for me.
Interesting, I also work in Compliance, only I am the health care variety. Makes me a bit curious does compliance turn one into a libertarian?
Don’t think so. But, libertarians have had to keep a low profile out in public, so its possible some the compliance officers I know don’t present as libertarian, but are secretly working from within to . . . . wait, scratch that.
Oh yeah, I hear yo……………………………………….<>
//black bag over head –thwump–
I never thought about it but it might. I started transitioning from a full blown life long Republican to being libertarian(ish) when GW took office. Almost overnight it felt like things that I had believed my whole life no longer made sense and then I realized that for the most part I still believed the same things but the Republican Party no longer represented those things. For instance, “compassionate Conservativism” bugs the shit out of me. There is nothing “compassionate” about creating dependency. It is evil whether it is done for the “right” reasons or the “wrong” reasons. When they came out with the Patriot Act I came up with the realization that government always goes too far. They can’t help themselves and that is why it is up to citizens to keep them reigned in. Look at all of the strife caused over gay marriage. What business is it of government to be involved in marriage-gay, straight or otherwise? If you and I can enter into a contract with each other without government’s blessing why was there that one exception? As a Christian I don’t want government to compel me to violate my beliefs and I shouldn’t be using the power of government to compel others to adhere to my beliefs. Maybe I’m just getting cantankerous in my old age but I just want to be left alone and to be able to leave everyone else alone.
I got there in a similar way between a gay aunt and being creeped out by the Evangelicals in college (I’m Catholic BTW), but ultimately I think the Air Force did sealed it for me. After five years and two trips to a third world hellhole, it’s hard to put any faith in something that can’t even get your pay figured out.
*Thunderous applause*
I keep thinking of Gringotts Wizarding Bank and the goblin
The one with the long crooked nose?
*Beats Swissy to the narrowed stare*
Euphemisms!
*joins #6 in narrowed gaze*
Thank goodness for ATMs and Paypal – I haven’t done “banking” for over a decade. Though I did get a car loan or two via a credit union.
Thank goodness for
ATMs and Paypalthat Canon color copier in my basement – I haven’t done “banking” for over a decade either ….Knock knock
whodatousside?
Cash me outside?
Well hou bou dah…Vhyrus made a pretty good joke out of that!
*stands to applaud*
*rises and applauds with Swiss*
Well, I did do the set-up.
*claps more*
You make a good straight man, kid. *tosses 6 a nickel*
*bites nickel to see if … urm .. it’s nickel*
OT:
In the 2001–2012 timeframe covered in “Death by China,” when U.S. factories were supposedly being laid waste by Chinese imports, real manufacturing value added in the United States rose by $290 billion, or almost 20 percent. Real output did fall in factories making furniture, paper products, textiles, apparel, and plastic and rubber products, while output rose far more in factories making computer and electronic products, motor vehicles and parts, chemical products, and machinery.
apparently starting a small business with partners in different states is now considered to essentially be drug-running or terrorism related unless and until proven otherwise.
Given all that I’ve witnessed from Libertarian websites, how is this not accurate?
Well, we… For starters, I… Umm….can I get back to you on that?
There’s a big difference between running and using, is all I’ll say.
My wife was asked by CBSA if she was a gun runner during her NEXUS interview.
Well, if we weren’t on a list before, we are now.
Thanks Gojira
We were all already on a list.
You think Preet didn’t get us all “othered”?
Or…what Kevin said
A thick-set manager in an off-the-rack suit
Gilmore hardest hit?
Bank managers *should* wear boxy, ill-fitting, untailored suits. lest they start putting on airs of superiority.
New derp of the day I ran across, written by a black young woman. Supposedly. (this is the internet, I have no idea if her photo/info is real or not):
I stopped using the phrase “white passing” because 9 times out of 10, the person referred to is clearly “of color” and the only people that actually think that they’re white are well… white people.
It’s a bit clunkier, but I tend to just go “[x person/character] has conditional access to whiteness” because when people of color are talking about these “white passing” characters or celebrities, they are usually talking about the access to whiteness or white acceptance.
oookay…
I had to look up “white passing” to make sure I wasn’t missing something about the *ahem* white lines on the road. I would use the term “can pass as white”.
I guess I really am a cis-shitlord.
I Can’t even comprehend thinking about people in those terms.
RACIST!
That’s actually an interesting way to look at it even if I can’t see using the phrasing she suggests. Were I less lazy I’d dig up some of the 19th century passing narratives and reread them in that light.
It’s sort of how like if you don’t announce your libertarianism, people assume that you are “passing” for normal. Oh, sorry… “[x person/character] has conditional access to normality.”
the person referred to is clearly “of color” and the only people that actually think that they’re white are well… white people.
Well, we’re the ones who matter, right?
Wow – I didn’t think ‘passing’ was even a thing anymore. It’s literally been decades since I’ve come across a non-white person who didn’t want to be recognized as such. In fact, I’ve known far more white people desperate to identify as anything at all other than white than people actively trying to identify as ‘white.’
Given her use of “character” I’m going to guess the original context came about from the prog obsession with “representation in media” and the occasional shouting matches that break out between those who think an actor’s racial heritage should ‘count’ even if the character they’re portraying doesn’t appear to identify as part of that group. But I’ve seen more than a few of those discussions and I haven’t noticed the actual “white passing” term being used, but eh, the poster claims she was using it herself, so I guess it’s out there someplace. But no, among actual people, it doesn’t seem to be a thing.
But then a lot of progs seem to think we’re still in the 70s, so maybe that’s all it is, too, I have no idea.
But don’t those usually go the other way – i.e. white people portraying non-white people, like Emma Stone playing the Hawaiian?
I strongly suspect. It seems common among academics (which I assume this young woman is). When I was in grad school in the 90s I couldn’t help but notice that whenever my fellow students would start talking about something like labor unions, they would talk as if it was still the 1930s, having no clue about how the relationship between unions and companies had changed since then.
People have a hard time with the concept that the world constantly changes. We tend to accept the paradigms we experience in youth and then never again revise them.
access to whiteness
That’s some top-notch gibberish, there.
I read Glibertarians dot com for the articles, honest
There’s articles? I came here for the footnotes.
I come here for the pictures of hot chicks
Me too, bro.
Where da wymen at?
Sucker. There are no libertarian women. Or glibertarian women.
This erasure of the experiences and narratives of female libertarians (aka Flibertarian) is abominable!!!!11!
Or you could end drug prohibition and it’s gang related violence.
http://hotair.com/archives/2017/04/04/how-bad-are-things-in-chicago-try-bullet-proof-vests-for-school-children/
Or one of them recently invested in this company.
I refuse to take anyone named “Jazz Shaw” seriously.
He’s a statist but does sometimes write about topics of interest even if he does often take the wrong side.
A thick-set manager in an off-the-rack suit
Honest to God, I have never seen a branch bank manager who this does not describe.
Beautifully written, Gojira.
Query for HM on the front page pics for this article:
Is she thicc?
Considering she was Thicc Thursday’s 2nd Week’s girl…yes, Jessica Tsai isthicc .
Section 326 has been the bane of my existence since it was passed.
*shaking head at how naive Gojira was*