Glibertarians.com 2017 Archive

Category: Food & Drink

  • UnCivil Cooks – Fish Stew

    Lets see how the resident Glib who doesn’t like anything cooks. We will be making fish stew. This is an improvised recipe that came out of trying to talk myself out of doing something stupid. More or less my first idea was Fish chili. This didn’t sound like it would turn out right, so I talked myself into something less outlandish. Visiting the local mega grocery (that is more than one mile distant from my food-desert located house), I picked up the following items (okay I already had some near the bottom of the list). I’ll start cooking, and sooner or later you’ll be compelled to follow along. Or I’ll randomly switch to first person plural.

    • 1/2 lb perch
    • 1/2 lb shrimp
    • Bacon, 3 rashers
    • 1 onion
    • 1 medium or 3 small potatos
    • carrots
    • 1 bell pepper
    • 12-16 oz stewed tomatos
    • 4 cups vegetable broth
    • Curry Powder
    • Salt and Pepper
    • Corn Starch

    The shrimp I got was pre-cooked. There was a good reason for this – that was the cheapest. There is another good reason – it allowed me to not have to spend too much time cooking the shrimp. So I started out peeling the shimp, the carrots, the potatoes, and the onion. This was a good start, and I followed up by quartering and cleaning the bell pepper. Since I was prepping everything, I carved the perch into two-inch squares. Since it came from Soviet Canukistan, it was still rimed with native frost.

    Here’s what it all looked like before the chopping started in earnest

    Those veggies were too big for the task, to I chopped them into smaller bits, keeping the aromatic and root vegetables separate. This will make later steps easier. I followed it up by moving the pot into the front and cut the bacon into small pieces.

    Chopping Completed

    Now, we could do this next step in a frying pan and move it to the dutch oven, we don’t need to. It’s plenty easy to do all of this in one pan. Start the heat and cook the bacon. We want the flavorful grease to be released, and will be using it as our fat for this part. Once the bacon has given off enough grease, it’s time to add our onion and bell peppers. We cook until the onions start to brown, there should be some browning on the bottom of the pan, this is fine.

    Not Caramelized.

    We need to get that tasty material off the bottom of the pan. After all, it’s bacon, onion and peppers, but mostly bacon. We want that in the stew. We could do some fancy deglazing, or we could just use the next ingredient. Pour our can of stewed tomatoes into the pan, liquid included. We’re going to use the acidic liquid from the tomatoes to deglaze the pan and collect that bacony flavor. To make sure we get it all, let’s cover it with a lid and let it simmer for five minutes.

    After simmering and deglazing.

    All right, we need to start making soup before we can turn it into stew. Lets add the root veggies and three of four cups of the broth. The fourth cup of broth we’re going to reserve for later. This will make sense sooner or later. Some of you might see where this is going.

    Almost soup.

    At this point we have to turn off the burner frenetically, move the pot to another, and clean up a catastrophe in the kitchen.

    Okay, the catastrophe isn’t required, but I did reach into my cabinet, pick up a box of corn starch and promptly drop it. Worse, the lid wasn’t on all that tight and it went everywhere. Half a second of gravity and my kitchen looked like a party at Tony Montana’s house. So I spent too long cleaning up the wite powdery substance, you may see it in the later photographs, because corn starch is pernicious and stubborn.

    Once that diversion has been dealt with, we can re-ignite the burner and put the pot back on the heat. Put it on medium to medium high and set a timer for thirty minutes. Go watch some cat videos on YouTube or something.

    After our timer goes off, we want to check the potatoes. They need to be cooked now, or we’ll have problems. So if they’re underdone, let it cook a little longer. The carrots can be a little crispy, that won’t be a problem, they’re just carrots.

    The content of the pot should look something like this.

    Now the bacon is a nice little bit of protein, but it’s not the primary source for this. So lets toss in our shrimp and the perch. Toss in three teaspoons of curry powder and a liberal helping of black pepper. Mix it all in. The perch will cook quickly. If you have anything resembling a membrane on the fillet, it will curl into nice little tubes while it does so. This is all right. This is also why I’m glad the cooked shrimp was the cheapest, since it allowed this step to go fast.

    Almost there…

    Let’s leave the pot for a while and get a bowl, pour the reserved broth into it and start mixing corn startch in. We want the starch fully integrated and the broth near saturation with corn starch. Once this is done, we pour it into the pot and stir it in until the broth thickens to a gravy. The perch should be fully cooked by now and may start breaking apart while we’re stirring. This is also fine. We’re not trying to serve discrete chunks of fish.

    Here’s our stew.

    It should be done, we can’t forget to turn off the burner.

    We ladle it up into the bowl and … wait a minute…

    Gruel

    Oh, okay, I just mixed up the order of the photos, that’s the thickener from a few paragraphs back before we poured it into the pot.

    Here’s the real bowl. Sorry about the mess:

    Stew

  • Coffee & Prohibition

    “Please sir, may I have some more?”

    I love coffee. I’m drinking a hot cup while I pen this article. Roasting and grinding coffees from around the world is my hobby. Experimenting with different brewing methods in search of the perfect cup of Joe is my holy grail. I even researched planting my own coffee trees here in Orlando so that I could experience the whole process from soil to cup. A hero of mine, Heriberto Lopez, had the same idea in 1985. Mr. Lopez, who owned a coffee plantation in Venezuela, came to the United States so his son could receive treatment for a rare heart condition. He gambled some of his family fortune on growing coffee in south Florida, so that he could work in the U.S. while his son got the treatment he needed. The experts said it would never work. Heinz Wutsher, a researcher with the U.S. Department of Agriculture laboratory in Orlando said, ”I think the whole thing is a crackpot idea.” Well you know what? They were right. It failed. Coffee grows best in the bean belt, 25 degrees north, 30 degrees south latitude. Florida is technically in the belt, but has a deficiency of mountains on which to plant coffee. Mr. Lopez and I had our caffeine fueled dreams thwarted by geography and economics, but I still enjoy learning about coffee. Reading “Uncommon Grounds” by Mark Pendergrast, I was horrified to learn that coffee had been prohibited in various countries at different times. Why ban a harmless drink? Who could be so cruel? Don’t they know coffee is the elixir of Life? Well my friends, let us dive into when, where and why coffee was banned in history.

    1511, Kha’ir Beg, the governor of Mecca, was cruising past a Mosque and saw some dudes getting their caffeine on so they could do some endurance praying–much like some of you would do with Mountain Dew and an all night Dungeons and Dragons session. Beg got bent out of shape for some reason, so he banned coffee under the power given to him by the Koran prohibiting wine. I know you are thinking, “How in the hell is coffee, a stimulant, anything like wine, a depressant?” I’m sure the Saudis were thinking the same thing. So Kha’ir goes to some local Persian doctors, the Hakimani brothers, and buys some expert testimony. The Hakimani boys claimed that coffee was harmful and had no legitimate medical use–a conflict of interest since coffee was used as a natural, inexpensive cure for depression as opposed to whatever expensive pharmaceuticals they were selling. Finally, the Sultan of Cairo stepped in because people were getting cranky without their morning coffee, and declared governor Beg had exceeded his authority to ban coffee and the people rejoiced. Happily, Kha’ir was caught embezzling money and was executed. I guess he skipped the part in the Koran about stealing.

    Continuing in the 16th century, the next group anxious to wield the banhammer are the Italians. Christian Europe had been brawling with the Muslim Ottomans since 1591 and were a little salty. The Pope’s advisors wanted to ban coffee as the “bitter invention of Satan” because the drink was popular with the Turks. Ironic, considering coffee was banned in Mecca less than one hundred years before. Pope Clement the VIII requested a cup so that he may see what all this devilry was about and declared, “This Satan’s drink is so delicious that it would be a pity to let the infidels have exclusive use of it.” The Pope also believed that coffee was less harmful than alcohol and thus blessed the bean. Thanks to the Coffee Pope, modern Italians are free to sip espressos while riding vespas saying, “Ciao.”

    The 17th century saw a new Muslim anti-coffee zealot, this time in Constantinople. In 1623, Murad IV claimed the throne of the Ottoman empire, famous for making little couches you put your feet on. So Murad quattro was a new king and usually you become king by screwing people over and crushing dissent. Coffee has been blamed/credited with fueling rabble rousers, as the king was aware. In fact, one of the HQs for planning the American Revolution took place in the “Green Dragon,” a coffee house in Boston. Americans switched to coffee from tea because screw England, and the founding fathers would drink caffeine and write kick-ass constitutions. Back to Constantinople, Murad knew coffee angers-up the blood and fuels revolutions so he banned coffee. Turns out, people really love coffee and kept drinking it despite the first offense: catching a beating. Second timers got sewn into a bag and thrown into the Bosphorus. Even with these severe punishments, Murad still had no trouble going undercover with his big ass sword, surprise beheading people he caught drinking Java. The ban ended when Murad decided to have a one man drinking contest and died of alcohol at the ripe old age of 28. Maybe he should have had coffee instead.

    Coffee-making paraphernalia in Coffee World museum near Cairns.

    Moving into the next century, 1746 Sweden not only banned coffee, but coffee paraphernalia because people were abusing coffee. I don’t know how you abuse coffee other than by leaving a pot of coffee on a burner until it turns to tar. Gustav the third, king of Sweden, ordered a pseudoscience twin study to prove the harmful effects of coffee. One twin drank tea, the other coffee. They didn’t wait around to get the results because the twins lived into their 80’s. So the Swedes sent goons around anyways, kicking in doors and smashing coffee pots and confiscating coffee beans for evidence (totally not for them to consume or resell). Shockingly, people continued to consume coffee in spite of the ban. Eventually the Swedish government decided enforcement was unmanageable and repealed the bans in the 1820’s. Today Sweden has one of the highest per capita coffee consumption rates in the world.

    Another jerk from the 18th century is Frederick “the Great” of Prussia. In 1777, Fred was concerned that coffee consumption was cutting into the beer profits. Beer was a local product so profits stayed in Prussia. Coffee, being an import good, caused money to flow out of the country. So he proclaimed coffee banned and told the proles to go back to drinking beer for breakfast. In true Top Man fashion, nobles were allowed to continue to drink coffee. Fred liked to drink his coffee made with champagne instead of water, in true baller fashion. Rappers take note, that is how you stupidly waste money. Drinking a hot champagny cuppa in front of the people you are telling don’t drink coffee doesn’t inspire people to respect the ban. I thought ordering a bunch of Germans to drink beer for breakfast was an easy sell, but Fred screwed it up somehow. Freddie had to rescind his order and allow the Prussians their coffee.

    An article about coffee prohibition wouldn’t be complete without mentioning America, the largest coffee market in the world. Multiple attempts by moral scolds and busy bodies to shut down coffee have been mounted, but, luckily for us, they have all failed so I won’t bore you with the details. However, one man was moderately successful in cutting into American coffee consumption, C. W. Post. Post was not a mentally stable person, to put it mildly. He believed in all the quack cures of the day and Grandpa Simpson diagnoses. C.W. suffered from nervous breakdowns and became
    student of John Kellogg, another cereal Barron, that taught him the dark arts of healthy eating to cure his imbalanced humours. Kellogg was a Seven Day Adventist and shunned caffeine and advised C.W. to give up coffee. C.W. became a titan of the breakfast food world because he was the first to understand the power of advertising. He spent a tremendous amount of money pushing his health foods on the public using clever ads that weren’t always completely true. Post started an ad campaign warning about the dangers of coffee and how it is basically killing you every time you take a sip. Unbeknownst to the public, C.W. couldn’t start his day without his big mug of bean juice. That didn’t stop him from telling everyone else to drink Postum, the coffee substitute made from wheat bran, wheat, and molasses. Bizarrely the slogan of Postum was “There’s a Reason.” I guess that did something for the chumps of the 20th century because they bought the stuff. Postum sales surged during WWII as coffee was diverted to the front lines, because nothing kills Nazis better than a conscripted 18 year old with coffee jitters and a M1 garand. If you would like to try this
    abomination of a drink, you can still purchase Postum on Amazon.

    21st century America has not banned coffee, thank the Coffee Pope, but we do have prohibition of drugs. The arguments for caffeine prohibition of the past are the same arguments used to prohibit drugs today: “The money flows out of the country;” “ It makes God angry when you use an intoxicant;” “Undesirables use it and listen to music I find offensive;” “ It causes crime and dissent among the masses;” “Drugs have no legitimate medical use.” These arguments are as hollow now as they were 500 years ago and the banners are as big of hypocrites as ever. Three out of our four past presidents are known to have used drugs and yet happily continued the war on drugs. The true reason for drug prohibition is power and that is one hell of a drug. Currently in the 103rd year of drug prohibition, America has been slow to reverse course, but public opinion is changing and that is what ultimately lead to the reversal of coffee prohibition in Mecca, Sweden, and Prussia. So the next time you’re in the breakroom having a cup of coffee with a coworker, share what you have learned about the tyrants that banned the drink they are enjoying. Maybe you’ll help turn the tide of public opinion.

  • A Theory and Implementation of Drinking Games

     

    Closet libertarians?

    Axiom I:  The perfect drinking game encourages consumption, speeding the participants into a state of pleasant disinhibition as a prelude to philosophizing, socializing, and wild monkey sexifizing.

    Axiom II:  Frequent small drinks are preferable to infrequent large drinks.  Spectacular consumption attempts are temporarily entertaining, but the inevitable failures waste alcohol, and vomit is irritating to mucous membranes.

    Axiom III:  The game should allow moments of conversation with one’s immediate neighbor, but should also require one’s attention often enough to prevent lapses in the conversation resulting from you not actually having anything in common with them other than a vaguely-compatible sexual orientation.

    Axiom IV:  Any non-consumable items involved in the game should be commonly available and either durable or trivially costly to replace.

    The following are the rules to Threeman, probably the most popular drinking game during my time at the redacted house at the University of redacted.

    General rules:

    1. A pair of standard six-sided dice is used.
    2. The players gather around a suitable flat surface, usually a table.
    3. The first player to play is the “threeman.” This status may be determined by any method appropriate to the group (“1-2-3 not it,” random dice roll, headbutting contest, etc.)
    4. Play occurs by rolling the dice. Rolls that cause the dice to leave the play area incur a three drink penalty to the roller (“sloppy dice, drink thrice”).  After the roll, penalty drinks as determined by the particular roll are distributed and consumed.
    5. If the previous roll caused drinks to be consumed, the player rolls again. If the roll resulted in no penalty drinks, then the dice are passed widdershins to the next player.
    6. Any time a three is rolled on either die, the threeman takes a drink. The threeman also drinks on a roll of 2 and 1.
    7. Threeman status continues until the threeman him/her/xirself rolls a three on either die or a roll of 2 and 1. At this point, that player can designate any other player as the threeman.
    8. Doubles: if the same number is rolled on both dice, the rolling player can pass them to one or two other players, who must then roll what they are given, and consume the number of drinks shown.
      1. Exception: on double 1s (“snake eyes”) the dice distribution and rolls are as above, but the drink consumption is done by the player who rolled the snake eyes.
      2. Double doubles: if the penalty roll players from 8 supra both roll the same number on their dice, the dice are passed back to the original player who must then roll the dice and drink double the number shown.
      3. Double double doubles: this pattern of doubling can continue ad infinitum, until finally a stupid or anatomically impossible number of penalty drinks is awarded.  If the player then refuses to make the attempt and throws the dice across the room in frustration, they are expelled from the game and do not get laid that evening.
    9. Penalty drinks are codified on the following table:

  • Classic Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri

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    Classic Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri

    Serves 4 (YMMV)

    This is one of those drinks that when I make it, I say, “why don’t I make this more often?” So easy, so balanced. I freeze strawberries when they are in season, but frozen berries from the store are fine.

    Many people prefer cocktails (and everything else) much sweeter than we do. Adjust the sugar as desired. Most recipes will call for 5-7 tbsp sugar. You can also use simple syrup, but I find it adds more liquid than I like.

    2-1/4 cups frozen unsweetened strawberries, straight from the freezer
    3/4 cup light rum
    1/2 cup lime juice (don’t worry, bottled works fine)
    4 tbsp white sugar – adjust to taste

    Put all ingredients in the blender and puree until smooth. The final consistency should be slushy enough to drink through a straw without waiting, but not runny.

    Happy summer!

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  • Three Boozy Desserts

    Today I present three delicious alcohol-laced desserts. An easy one for bakers, an impressively showy one for stove-top cooks who love heat, and one that requires no talent or ability whatsoever!

    Torta al Vino

    No frosting required.This recipe is by famed Italian chef Lidia Bastianich (although I’ve changed the narrative). Don’t be fooled by the ease and simplicity of this cake. The final result is unexpectedly delicious. It’s also perfect for anyone afraid of decorating a cake, as it finishes to a beautiful golden brown that needs no ornamentation.

    Have all your ingredients at room temperature before starting (unless your a/c is broken and you live someplace like Phoenix!), as it will make it come together much more easily. And don’t skimp on the citrus zest. It really makes a huge difference.

    Either seedless grapes or blueberries or raspberries can be used as the fruit. I used blueberries since they are in season here now and very inexpensive.

    I use a 9-inch springform pan. Springform pans are available pretty much everywhere now, very inexpensively, even at Walmart and equivalent. It will make the final presentation much easier, and this cake does rise in the oven more than a standard 9-inch cake pan can happily accommodate. Splurge on the springform pan. You might even decide to start baking cheesecakes.

    As is the case with many things, this is even more delicious the next day. You’re a grown-up; yes, you can eat cake for breakfast!

    Serves 8-12

    For the pan:

    1 tbsp unsalted butter
    1 tbsp all-purpose flour

    For the cake:

    1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus 1 tsp for fruit
    1-1/2 tsp baking powder
    1/2 tsp baking soda
    1/8 tsp salt
    6 tbsp unsalted butter
    3/4 cup white sugar
    2 eggs
    1 tbsp olive oil
    1 tsp vanilla extract
    1 tbsp orange or lemon zest (I use lemon if using grapes, orange if blueberries are the fruit)
    3/4 cup dry white wine (nearly any kind will work)
    2 cups seedless grapes, stemmed, rinsed and patted dry OR 2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries or raspberries

    For the topping:

    2 tbsp butter, diced
    1 tbsp white sugar

    1. Preheat oven to 375F.

    2. Rub the entire inside of the cake pan with butter. Sprinkle with flour and shake to coat the entire surface. Dump out any extra flour.

    3. In a small bowl, mix together flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

    4. In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar. When blended together, beat at high speed to smooth and lighten. Scrape down the sides of the bowl, and – one at a time – add eggs, beating after each one until fully incorporated. Add olive oil, vanilla extract, and citrus zest. Beat on high for a couple minutes until very smooth.

    5. Scrape down the sides of the bowl. Add 1/3 of the flour mixture, then 1/3 of the wine, beating as thoroughly as you would your “orphan.” Continue alternating the flour mixture with wine, beating completely until all dry ingredients and wine are fully incorporated. Scrape bottom and sides of bowl and beat on high to finish smoothing the batter.

    Sprinkle and swirl, baby!6. Pour the cake batter into the prepared pan, spreading it evenly. Sprinkle 1 tsp flour on the fruit and shake to coat evenly. Sprinkle the fruit over the cake batter, then lightly swirl the fruit into the batter. It doesn’t need to be fully submerged.

    7. Pour yourself a glass of white wine. Bake cake on the middle rack of the oven for 25 minutes, drinking wine while you clean up the kitchen. After 25 minutes, the top of the cake will be set and starting to brown, but the inside of the cake will still shake. Carefully pull the rack out until you can reach the cake. Sprinkle the surface of the cake with the diced butter, then sprinkle the sugar on top. Don’t burn yourself – you’ve been drinking, after all!

    8. Return cake to oven and bake until the cake is set and the top is golden brown, about 15 more wine-drinking minutes. Test with a toothpick inserted into the middle of the cake. It should be clean with no cake clinging to the toothpick when done.

    9. Remove the cake from the oven and allow to cool on a rack for 10 minutes. Release the springform side and remove. Allow the cake to completely cool before serving. Continue drinking wine while you wait.

    10. Slice into wedges and serve as is or add a little whipped cream (try whipping with some orange liqueur for a nice touch).



    Spicy Rum Pineapple

    NOT INTENDED FOR DOOM'S PIZZA I must emphasize that this dish can be made as spicy or as mild as your taste dictates. Make sure you use a smoked pepper powder, or add some smoked paprika to the mix. We like it so spicy (mmmmm habaneros!) that most of our guests don’t even dare try it. Those who do, generally curse us while performing their morning rituals the next day.

    Fresh pineapple is a must here, but you can save yourself some work by purchasing it already cored, sliced and cut into chunks. We serve this with homemade vanilla bean ice cream. (You are definitely going to want that ice cream if you make this right.)

    UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD THIS BE ANYWHERE NEAR A PIZZA. (I’m looking at you, Doom!)

    Serves 4-6

    1 pineapple, peeled, cored, sliced, and chunked (chunks should be about 1/2-3/4 inch thick)
    3 tbsp butter
    3 tbsp white sugar
    1/3 – 1/2 cup dark rum
    Smoked, fruity hot pepper powder (to taste)

    1. Melt butter in a large skillet over medium high heat. Add pineapple and saute until caramelized, making sure to turn the pineapple so both sides are caramelized.

    2. Add sugar and cook until the sugar melts.

    3. While keeping your face and all small children back from the pan, pour in the rum all at once.

    4. After the flames have died down, cook until the liquid has cooked down into a thick syrup. Remove from heat and sprinkle with smoked hot pepper powder.

    5. Divide onto dessert plates and serve a scoop of good vanilla ice cream right alongside.



    Spiked Melon

    Mmmmm melon!Fruit, sugar, sparkling wine, fresh herbs. Can it get any easier? No, it can’t. Don’t bring a boring, uninspired carton of Ben & Jerry’s next time you’re asked to contribute a summer dessert to a dinner party. Really, don’t be that guy.

    A couple great combinations to try: cantaloupe and mint; honeydew and basil.

    Serves 4

    1 cup Prosecco or Cava
    1/8-1/4 cup superfine sugar (adjust for taste and/or how sweet the melon is)
    4 cups melon balls (oh, grow up!)
    1/4 cup packed fresh herb leaves

    1. Pour the sparkling wine into a large bowl. Add the superfine sugar and stir until dissolved.

    2. Add the melon and stir to coat completely. Cover and refrigerate at least 2 hours. (I like to prepare this first thing in the morning for an evening event.)

    3. Right before you serve, roll up the herb leaves and chiffonade (slice into thin ribbons).

    4. Divide melon and liquid evenly into 4 pretty dessert glasses, garnishing each with 1 tbsp of herb ribbons.


  • Heroic Mulatto Has Been Smoking a Brisket Since 5 AM July 4th Open Thread

    Here’s a video about barbecue from another black Jew.

  • On the proper way to drink wine, libertarian wise

    When it comes to imbibing the fine beverages of an alcoholic inclination, libertarians often hold their own. But I do seem to read about a bit of excessive consumption of barley products amongst them. Instead of fine wine, as the gods intended. Wine is in many ways superior to beer. It looks better, it smells better, and it tastes better. Wine glasses are more elegant than beer glasses. Wine takes longer to make and age than beer, another plus when it comes to judging quality. Like a fine aged prosciutto or jamon is better than whatever random ham.

    Now, normal I would drop some of this fine knowledge on you lot during belly up to the bar, but if I am awake at 2 am on a Friday, I am not on Glibertarians, wink wink nudge nudge know what I mean.

    Beer, my fine fellows, in many a circumstance, is not the drinks of the upper classes. As Any Fule Knos, libertarians are all selfish, greedy and, of course, filthy rich, and as such we are the upper classes. The exploiters of the proletariat. There is, I would assume, not one among us with less than 1 million dollars in the bank. And by bank, I mean gold coins in a secret vault, with a bathtub just in case. Otherwise, we would not be libertarians, would we?

    As socially aware individuals, we can’t just go out wearing our finest vintage top hat and diamond encrusted monocle and order up a pint. That just ain’t proper. What you need is the fine nectar of the vines, a good red wine or a good white, depending on the food and weather. It goes without saying that rosé wine is unacceptable, as rosé is for communists and high school kids, people with little understanding of the workings of the world.

    Now, if the situation may find you by the pool or near a grill laden with the flesh of birds and beasts, wearing a casual top hat and a sun monocle, maybe a good beer works fine, as refreshment and hydration. Also if there is somehow a requirement to watch a sporting event or other.

    Going out to eat or socialize with our upper-class peers, wine is a must. The question would be what wine. Even for the person educated in such matters, the sheer number and variety of wines out there means the choice may not always be straight forward. Now I would assume a restaurant a self-respecting glib would visit has a proper sommelier, trained from a young orphan in the fine art of finding the perfect wine for libertarians. In that case, do not hesitate to ask for an opinion, even if you may not take it.

    Some base rules for wine can be listed. Never buy the cheapest wine, like poor people, as that is just so gauche, or the most expensive one, as you risk looking like someone with more money than sense. This is important as you people represent the whole glibertarian community. We are an amorphous collective after all.

    Try to have some idea of countries, regions, and grapes. You can also learn a few random factoids about the major regions, the ones which will likely appear on most wine list. It will give you the chance to appear savvy as you throw a random comment here and there while reading the wine list. Avoid wines with gimmicky names and overly elaborate labels, as you will want to be classy.

    After selecting a bottle, the waiter will hopefully bring it to you and open it. When that happens, resist the urge of doing something profoundly silly, like smelling the cork – as some people, at least in Europe, somehow heard was a good idea. One would presume the waiter will not give you a corked wine, and one whiff of the glass should let you know if this is the case. If a decanter is available you can ask for the wine to be decanted if it is a fairly young tannic red. Or whatever really, if you like to see wine poured into a decanter. The waiter will pour some for you to taste – most decent ones do.

    When you taste the wine – and any decent place should offer a taste before pouring- take a smell and maybe a small sip to see if the wine is in any way defective. Do not describe it, praise it or whatever, as that is not the point of tasting. Just give the waiter a small nod and say fine in a soft voice, glacially accept his offering. You are doing him, after all, a favour for not smashing the bottle to the ground.

    If there is some fault, do not hesitate to return the wine. Now if the wine is fault free but you don’t like it, the opinions are split. Some would say return it anyway and try something else. I am not of this view. I believe if the wine is not defective, proper etiquette is to accept it, otherwise, the restaurant may waste a perfectly good bottle just because you do not know what to order. And that does not reflect well on the rest of us.

    Once the wine is poured, you may want to describe in more detail it in order to impress others. If you are alone, just raise your voice enough so people at other tables can hear you. Start with the basics – oak, tannin, acidity and the like. Use words like mouth-feel, finish, aftertaste… these sort of things. Then casually slip in how you sense a hint of leaf covered forest floor in the Rocky Mountains, in May at approximately 4000 feet altitude after a light rain, at about 7 pm, as there is no smell like it and it is definitely present in this wine. No one will be able to tell you any differently.

    Or you know, ignore the best advice and get a bottle of something palatable and drink it. What do I care? Just don’t come crying to me when your libertarian card gets revoked.

  • SP’s Cooking Corner: Three Bourbon Sauces for Summer

    Bourbon Grilling Sauce by SP
    Bourbon Grilling Sauce by SP
    It’s grilling season here in the upper portions of the USA. I’m not a huge fan of ketchup (too bland), nor many marinades and grilling sauces (too sweet). So I make my own.

    These sauces work well on meat or vegetable proteins, like tofu or the ersatz “meats” from Gardein. The recipes are pretty balanced as written, but everyone has their own taste preferences. Adjust sweetness as desired. I absolutely detest Liquid Smoke, so get my smokiness from smoked peppers such as chipotle, smoked habaneros, or smoked paprika. Adjust the heat level according to your audience. I tend to ramp them up quite a bit from the starting points below.

    As with many sauces, these get better as they sit and blend, so plan ahead for once in your life and make them a day or two before you want to use them. (I’d be looking at OMWC there, but he doesn’t need to make these since he has me.)

    Bourbon Marinade

    1/4 cup bourbon
    1/4 cup water
    2 tablespoons maple syrup (if not a fan of maple, you can sub honey)
    2 tablespoons ketchup
    1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
    1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
    pinch cayenne or chipotle

    1. Whisk ingredients together in a shallow dish.

    2. Add protein of choice and marinate overnight, or at least 8 hours.

    Bourbon Grilling Sauce

    1 cup bourbon
    3/4 cup apple cider vinegar
    1/2 cup ketchup
    1/3 cup brown sugar
    1 tablespoon tomato paste
    1 tablespoon lemon juice
    2 teaspoons liquid aminos (or Worcestershire sauce, if not vegetarian)
    1 1/4 teaspoons minced garlic
    1 teaspoon salt
    1/2 teaspoon chipotle powder or smoked paprika
    1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
    1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
    1/4 teaspoon dry mustard

    1. Combine all ingredients with a whisk in a saucepan.

    2. Simmer until desired consistency, about 45-60 minutes.

    Bourbon Ketchup by SP
    Bourbon Ketchup by SP
    Bourbon Ketchup

    16 ounces tomato puree
    6 ounces tomato paste
    1/4 cup brown sugar
    1/4 cup bourbon
    3 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
    1 1/2 teaspoons liquid aminos (or Worcestershire sauce, if not vegetarian)
    1 1/2 teaspoons salt
    1 1/4 teaspoons garlic powder
    1 teaspoon onion powder
    1 teaspoon chipotle powder or smoked paprika
    1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

    1. Combine all ingredients with a whisk in a saucepan.

    2. Cook over medium heat until boiling.

    3. Reduce heat and simmer for 15-20 minutes. Let cool.

    4. Store in refrigerator, or portion into smaller containers and freeze.



    (Featured image on front page by Flickr user respres.)

  • Belly Up To the Bar – Special Drinking Games Edition

    DOOM’s Drinking Game Guide
    By 1337n00bers – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, Link

    Sometimes, friends get together and make an evening consuming alcohol together. People they don’t know get invited as well, and people start looking to activities to help them drink. Some games we play are social and involve some planning. Games like beer pong or flip cup. Those games, while fun, are a bit too boring sometimes. So I thought today I would share a few of the games my friends and I play.

    First, the games we always play. 24/7, 365.

    Game Of Life

    This one is rather easy, but requires cans of beer. Although they do can wine at this point, so who knows. The rules are simple. The goal is to keep the tab at the top bent to a side. When you open your beer and take a sip, the beer becomes ‘in play’. You turn the tab off to one side, and keep drinking and socializing like normal. An opponent attempts to move the tab back to the 12 o’clock position without you noticing. If you take a sip with the tab at 12, and get called, you finish you beer. That’s it!

    Our house plays this every day. It also helps with ID’ing your beer (my tab always goes to the right, 2-3 o’clock)

    BUFFALO

    Serengeti Bueffel1.jpg
    By Ikiwaner – Own work, GFDL 1.2, Link

    Another game we play everyday all day. This game requires some knowledge of your peers, but is pretty easy.

    You can no longer drink with your dominant hand. All drinks must be held by your off hand, in my case left. If someone catches you holding your drink in your dominant hand, they say “Buffalo!” and you have to take a good swig. It was originally the whole drink, like Game Of Life, but we changed that after a half liter of vodka was being passed around. I suppose it’s mostly on an honor system in the house at this point. There’s a great twist! If someone calls buffalo on you and you were not using your dominant hand, they drink. If you have a drink in both hands, they must drink the beverage in your dominant hand. This leads to great trickery; you can hide your beer under the table and let people call you out.

    I have to note, I was introduced to this game back in Montana- I have no idea where it came from.

    Now some games that require some planning.

    Chandelier

    Warning! This game will get you drunk very fast.

    Players:3-as many as can fit.

    Needed items: pong balls, solo cups, beer.

    Table, preferably round.

    This game needs at least 3 people, I’ve found that 4-6 is pretty ideal. A version of this can be found online, but is far slower than I like. For the ease of explaining, I’ll pretend there are 5 people playing.

    To set up, we need 6 solo cups. Everyone gets one, and one is filled with water*.

    Place the water cup in the middle of the table, and spread the people around the table as evenly as possible.

    Everyone’s cups go in front of them, somewhere near the center cup. I prefer a few inches between center cup and the player cup, but you do you.

    For a game of 5 players, 3 pong balls are needed. This step is the most important when it comes to what pace you want.

    Everyone puts some beer in their cup, and we are ready to start.

    To begin, 3 players grab a pong ball each. They try to bounce the ball off the table into an opponents cup. If the ball goes in an opponents cup, they take the ball, drink, and then shoot at another opponent. They then refill their cup as quickly as possible.

    If a ball is thrown and it misses, it is free game. There are no turns. Whoever picks a pong ball up gets to throw. If the ball goes in the center cup, the whole game changes.

    At that point, everyone playing must play a modified flip cup. Everyone chugs, and places their cup at the edge of the table. They must flip the cup over, so it lands upside down on the table. The last person to accomplish this must drink an extra time.

    The game then resets. Everyone refills their cup, people grab pong balls, and its back to it.

    You should probably do this game in short periods. Maybe with a mandatory water break half-time or something.

    *this cup could be beer to drink after flip cup. I think it depends on what’s being consumed and desire to not share germs.

    Stump

    This game also needs some things.

    A stump or log- ideally 2-3 ft long, and from the base of the tree. A short barstool.

    A hammer- I like a lighter ball-peen

    Box of nails- no finishing nails, people.

    2-6ish people

    If you haven’t played Stump, you haven’t been to a summer party with me. Which is too bad, because I’m pretty good at it.

    The idea is to strike your opponents nail into the stump before yours goes.

    To start, someone puts all the players nails into the stump. The less the better, just enough to not fall out of the stump if there’s a poor hit.

    Players stand in front of their nail, and open a beer, and pick the direction of play (clockwise?)

    The player throws the hammer in the air, flipping it at least 360 degrees. The player can not touch the hammer until it has done this flip. They then catch the hammer, and in one motion, brings it down on an opponents nail.

    If there is contact, and the nail goes in at all or is bent, the opponent who owns the nail must drink (proportional to the damage done).

    The hammer is then passed to the next player, around and around.

    If there is a glancing blow and sparks appear, someone yells “Sparks!” and everyone drinks.

    If you drop the hammer, you must drink and you lose your next turn.

    If the hammer is dropped but lands on the stump, the person the handle is pointing to must also drink with the person who dropped it.

    When the head of the nail is fully below the surface of the stump, that player is out.

    If it is your turn, you can use it to conduct “Home Improvement” and straighten your bent nail. You can take as long as you want but you will be mocked. You can not pull the nail further out. You do not get to throw the hammer if you use your turn for home improvement.

    Well, those are the games I enjoy the most. Next time, I may do one on different drinking games for movies.

    Junge Fichte auf Baumstumpf - young picea on stump - Saprobiont.jpg
    By Neptuul – Own work, CC BY 3.0, Link

     

    Derpetologist’s Spot the Not: Louis Farrakhan

    1. America is in trouble, and I say God is about to wipe this nation from the face of the Earth. I’m not crazy, I’m not drunk, how long do you think a nation can do evil and not face the wrath of god?

    2. You see everybody always talk about Hitler exterminating six million Jews. That’s right. But don’t nobody ever ask what did they do to Hitler.

    3. The Mother Wheel is a heavily armed spaceship the size of a city, which will rain destruction upon white America but save those who embrace the Nation of Islam.

    4. If somebody told me I only had one hour to live, I’d spend it choking a White man. I’d do it nice and slow.

    5. White people are potential humans – they haven’t evolved yet.

    6. Qaddafi is hated because he is the leader of a small country that is rich, but he uses his money to finance liberation struggles.

    “I never said any of those things!”

  • Belly Up to the Bar: Diet Buster Edition

    White Russian Milk Shake

    (it brings all the boys to the yard, and then gets them white-girl wasted)

    All right so I’m sure we’ve all seen the Big Lebowski and are familiar with a classic White Russian*:

    • 1 part coffee liqueur (we all know it’s Kahlúa)
    • 2 parts vodka
    • 1 part heavy cream (variants include half-and-half or whole milk for those watching fat intake…hopefully that doesn’t include any of you)

    My school newpsaper editorial staff used to get hammered on these the night before copy was due. Someone would bring in a handle of vodka and a gallon of whole milk and we’d shoot for the Ballmer Peak, and aggressively miss.

    As time passed, I realized that a great opportunity was being missed for maximal fat-assery and I set out to combine the deleterious effects of both alcohol and ice cream in (probably not) new and (definitely) exciting ways.

    You will need a decent blender, milkshake/malt mixer or food processor for this to work.

    Put your Kahlúa coffee liqueur and vodka in the freezer, buy a vanilla ice cream made from a custard base (eggs should be an ingredient). You want it to be a rich, dense ice cream, but not as rich and dense as Häagen-Dazs. I’ve experimented here so you don’t have to, the frozen vodka keeps the densest ice creams so solid they don’t blend, but isn’t able to keep the cheaper air-beaten stuff–like Dryers/Bryers or heaven forefend a 5 quart pail of generic–thick. I’d recommend Double Rainbow or Trader Joe’s house brand (potentially the same thing).

    Exact proportions are for suckers here. Put as much ice cream as you want in your blender, add as much coffee liqueur as you prefer and turn the thing on. Add in enough vodka to achieve a Frostee consistency (with a high fat ice cream and very cold vodka it’s more than you’d expect) and serve.

    Start or restart your diet the next day.

    *jesse.in.mb. would like to extend his sincerest apologies to those triggered by the terms “White,” “Russian,” or “classic” in any combination, as well as those who are lactose or A2 protein intolerant, alcohol intolerant, alcoholics, diabetics, fattasses,  averse to coffee and alcohol in the same place at the same time, or averse to dairy and alcohol in the same place at the same time.

     

    Derpetologist’s Spot the Not – Bands with Wacky Names

    1. The The

    2. Full Throttle Aristotle

    3. Barney Rubble and the Cunt Stubble

    4. Satanic Clown Orgy

    5. Hitler Stole My Potato

    6. Gee That’s A Large Beetle I Wonder If It’s Poisonous

    7. Iron Prostate

    8. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program